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About Me

  1. Since more than 1 week, my friend is really mad at me and don’t want to talk to me for now. I did a lot of wrong thing, I was too attached to her….I said things about other people that I shouldn’t tell, my behavior towards her but also towards my other friends chocked her. I am not a good person… she did a lot of things for me…and I didn’t know how to say her thank you. I love her a lot and she feels like I love her TOO much. It’s really recent, I wrote a lot of letter drafts that I will give her in a future but I don’t know when. It’s now too recent to give her and come to talk to her. I feel so miserable and guilty, because it’s my fault. I hate my uncontrollable feelings and words ruining everything like it often did. I feel bad because I hurt her and the others and I maybe lost one of my dearest friend. we spent good moments together….Why should I do? I feel so bad…see her distant and angry makes me sad…and mad at me. should I wait to ask her to maybe chat but out of school, just the two of us? How much time it will takes for her to calm down…She doesn’t hate me actually, she is just mad and angry…. I feel like she is hesitant talking to me sometimes, she stares at me or walk by me when she thinks I don’t see her and then leave after hesitated a moment. Maybe she is sad and lost too? Maybe she feels like she was too rude…I don’t know… i know she loves me, or used to..she talked to me like a sister…I ruined everything…I try to becoming a better person now…but it’s hard. any advices ?
  2. And I have to wonder, After all the days and nights that are behind us, The seconds that turned into months; Even years have now passed. Yet here I am. My hands trembling, Just as they always do. My eyes - they struggle to meet yours. For every moment they glance upon you, My mind; It takes me to the darkest of my dreams. The night terrors, They still awaken me. At 2 o'clock when the skies are as black as my broken heart, My body forcing me to choose: Fight or flight. Natural instinct. Do I stay? Do I run? Do I risk it all for your arms around me, Do I leave for the sake of my own sanity. Lonliness may be my only comfort, When the touch of a man is more terrifying, Than the knowledge that i may never know love. The realisation sets in. I may never know love.
  3. When I told you, "I choose you over anything in this world" I was dead serious I need no reason to make that choice It's no love, it's no ideas It's no admiration It's just fate When the world stood against you I would stand on your side We would fight a thousand wars Challenge the gods and rule their heaven Even when you rush into a losing battle I would die before your knees touch the ground I thought it would last forever I thought we would keep sailing under your banner Like pirates on the shoreless sea Riding the tides of time without a care But the same fate that brought me to you Stole me away Dear Lord, isn't it irony? Our life is RPG without saving point Sometimes we win, sometimes we screw up We can learn, we can change But there are stuff that we can't undo There are scars that healing potion can't mend Our story is done here And like how it started There's no reason why it ends It's no love, it's ideas It's no differences or betrayal It's just fate
  4. THE CIVIL WAR The nation is rent asunder. Truculent factions marshal their arguments against one another. In one camp, the confident general maps her route relying on sheer gut. She hoists the banner of your nigh and certain return at the conclusion of your present engagements. She refuses to negotiate with her challenger. Across the battlefield encamps the anxious opponent. She is chary to trust the cries of her heart, for her troops sustained heavy casualties in the last conflict when she heeded such advice. She seeks to rely not on instinct but on intelligence-gathering. Your final words convince her of your desertion. The weary-limbed soldiers have seen pitched battle for days now.
  5. Always be like, What you are like, A little pain You are, A little releif... You are like a gentle breeze or a Passion A little silky to my delight Sometimes you are rough and stubborn and give me a bit of fight But I dont want to change you or mend you not even in the least Without decoration and adulteration Neither more nor less ... I love you, just the way you are Let me drench in your rain and dissolve I want you, just the way you are Let me turn to ashes in your flame, and complete the resolve.. Give me wounds for sure, but later come and Soothe me I would even love a wound like that You are an ocean of mylove Let me sink into that.. Hold my hands, hold these hands as we have to walk together, But you can only hold one hand of mine and walk, what about my right hand which would be left alone.....
  6. The blood flowing, like tears down my face, staining my arm, each stroke of the blade, another emotion freeing, Another thing I cannot control, being let go, left to fend for itself, While I feel stronger, fight harder, vision clearing, dreams strengthening, goals attainable... That's what I want.. But its yet another need I cannot give into, not without falling down through that trap, into the seemingly bottomless pit of self dispair, no help here, just me and the darkness, swirling, swarming, chasing, haunting... I cannot go back there... But how else can I see clearly, think freely?
  7. Now I enjoy reading and interpreting poetry, but I'm not exactly the best poet haha I just thought this one up when I was eating lunch and decided to write it down. Nothing complicated, just a simple one. ------ "I Wanted to Tell You I Love You" I wanted to tell you I love you, When your eyes first met mine, I wanted to tell you I love you, But I knew there would be time. I wanted to tell you I love you, All the hours we spent together, I wanted to tell you I love you, But waited to know you better. I wanted to tell you I love you, Through every argument and fight, I wanted to tell you I love you, But wasn't sure if it was right. I wanted to tell you I love you, As I saw you walk away, I wanted to tell you I love you, But my voice remained the same. I wanted to tell you I love you, Sitting here alone, I wanted to tell you I love you, But was too afraid to phone. I wanted to tell you I love you, As they laid you to the ground, I wanted to tell you I love you, But thought you'd always be around. I wanted to tell you I love you, Now stuck in listless trance, I wanted to tell you I love you, But have lost my final chance.
  8. This is one of my poems that I wrote about my childhood sexual abuse. I hope that someone will read it and know that they don't suffer alone. Writing my feelings down seems to help through the darkest days in which I still have many of. So here goes. I was just an innocent child when the worst of my life began, My parents took me where they thought I was safe as I fell victim to my own kin. A loving grandmother who worshiped me and cuddled with me each night, Did not know that monsters would sneak in and force me to leave her side. They took me away in another room where there I became of their use, And I was just an innocent child, learning to suffer from years of abuse. They threatened me by saying that if I told, bad things would come my way, Like never seeing my grandmother again so I had to say okay. She was the one I thought loved me the most and was my keeper right from the start, So I had to endure the pain I was in to make sure not to break her heart. I can remember the fear inside of her catching them as they lured me away without denial, I tried to be quiet as they entered each night and touched the foot of this innocent child. Now I'm an adult but robbed of so much, like the knowledge of love that one should know, For me it's like a roller coaster ride, it goes up and falls below. I let people get close to me but there's a wall that won't come down and stay, Which has made me struggle with falling a victim to most everyone that comes my way. They took away my ability to be assertive and lowered my self esteem, But as I still fight, I will find the might to let go of those awful things. My road has been rocky but I'm still a Survivor and now the must fight the war, My need for recovery will continue I know but I'm not the Innocent child no more.
  9. Fall upon your knees, he said Please hang your head in shame Your worthiness is dubious Your character the same Your choices full of pleasure seeking Your question-minded soul You never thought to think of after For that, you pay a toll You never thought to worship me I barely crossed your mind Consumed with all your worldly cares I suppose you hadn't time Now judgement shall be harshly passed For merciful I'm not Turn the other way, my friend Join the wretched lot Upon my knees I will not fall I said, and did not bow Blindly I will not adhere Neither then nor now Your arguments are questionable Your logic sorely flawed Yet I who do not understand Should mindlessly applaud? Questions I indeed have asked I'll indulge my intellect And if your position is not to do so Then you I can't respect I did not need your laws to guide me I was guided nonetheless For the capacity to judge right from wrong I believe I do possess And sacrificial I have been For to be selfless I do strive But sacrifice not for hereafter It is now that you're alive And I have loved entirely Wholeheartedly and pure My existence is meant for nothing else Of nothing I'm more sure So, tell the masses, I will do so As I emerge from sleep We must not follow blindly leaders We are not shepherd's sheep
  10. In the midst of it all I endure the pain I stand in the fire and call out the rain Want me, need me, love me once more Cause anything worth having is worth fighting for
  11. I stare into the air as if it were a masterpiece; my eyelids unwavering, my pupils wide awake. When someone talks to me, I answer back as if I were the recording on an answering machine; my voice is not affectionate nor endearing, welcoming nor warm. However, no one seems to notice it or maybe they got used to it too. I try to connect to my surroundings, but the chord seems to be unwhole; I’m simply disconnected from myself and the rest of the world. Suddenly the numbness overcomes me, I try to ward it off, failing after the first trial but I never give up. In the darkness you will find me, searching for an exit into the light. Eventually I do find it peaking through a narrow window. However, it’s not the authentic whiteness; the one that’s infinite, but a small glimpse of what I’ll soon experience after I win this strenuous fight.
  12. I read this online & just wanted to share with others. I Have Learned - by Kathy Kane Hansen I've learned - that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. I've learned - that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back. I've learned - that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it. I've learned - that it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts. I've learned - that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something. I've learned - that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do. but to the best you can do. I've learned - that it's not what happens to people that's important. It's what they do about it. I've learned - that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life. I've learned - that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides. I've learned - that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be. I've learned - that it's a lot easier to react than it is to think. I've learned - that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them. I've learned - that you can keep going long after you think you can't. I've learned - that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel. I've learned - that either you control your attitude or it controls you. I've learned - that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place. I've learned - that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences. I've learned - that learning to forgive takes practice. I've learned - that there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it. I've learned - that money is a lousy way of keeping score. I've learned - that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time. I've learned - that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up. I've learned - that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel. I've learned - that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love. I've learned - that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. I've learned - that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated. I've learned - that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it. I've learned - that your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't biological. I've learned - that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. I've learned - that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself. I've learned - that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief. I've learned - that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become. I've learned - that sometimes when my friends fight, I'm forced to choose sides even when I don't want to. I've learned - that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do. I've learned - that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions. I've learned - that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change. I've learned - that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever. I've learned - that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different. I've learned - that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process. I've learned - that there are many ways of falling and staying in love. I've learned - that no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves get farther in life. I've learned - that no matter how many friends you have, if you are their pillar you will feel lonely and lost at the times you need them most. I've learned - that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you. I've learned - that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help. I've learned - that writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains. I've learned - that the paradigm we live in is not all that is offered to us. I've learned - that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being. I've learned - that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. I've learned - that although the word “love” can have many different meanings, it loses value when overly used. I've learned - that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe.
  13. Stalemate Hypocrisy and disaster Slither underlining through the board, Gather spikes with their spawn And remain concealed to the pieces above. Yet those figures who live caught up in light, Who lay hidden under a blanket of lies; That safety of ignorance, Glide further away from common sight. These characters eyes lock once, Impacting each with a different stance, And the years withdrawn commence. One moves forward One moves back One moves right One moves left One moves bent One moves straight. Yet when finally they collide. Nothing occurs, But confusion begins to creep inside. One moves forward One moves back One moves right One moves left One moves bent One moves straight. Finally I push forward, But you pull back...... Till we hit that grey area, Stalemate. That ever consuming abyss, Which disbanded said fight, But made way for another era, Another learnt chapter in life. The futility of us.
  14. As I listen to a familiar tune, My mind is shadowed by the darker side of a familiar moon, And I travel back in time to the days where it didn't make sense, Where I think about things at my sanity's expense. Letting out a sigh, All too familiar, I wonder why I'm back again, To a place I've left behind. I can't forget my past, Nor should I try, Because it's what made me strong, The present is where I belong. As the familiar tune ends in a familiar way, I run out of things to say, And move on with my night, Another day, another fight.
  15. Value the future (for Gene) What is the value of me in your heart? How do you feel Now that we are apart? What do you think Now that you are alone? Do you wander the floor? Maybe look at the phone? I hope you are taking this time to ingest To open to thoughts That you need to invest For me I am fighting To make myself whole While you begin wisely The search in your soul I know in my heart That surely someday Our souls will unite I feel this is the way Though paths become separate But just for a time I welcome the day That they later entwine
  16. This decaying pendulum inside Feels almost ready to halt. These emotions play with its rhythm, Cause it to readily rust And break to powdered pieces. * You still selfishly carry the key; Keep it buried away from me Refusing to part with it * Yet unwilling to save what you can. You could cajole it back to life, Fight back those weeds entwining it; Save it from the deepest darkness That has now become the fashion. But oh how you love to watch us burn.
  17. I walked through woods back home through feelings, emotions, pain, and anger of fighting, and crying, and defeat I walked through drunk, forgetting How is it that I still remember when I'd die to forget How is it that I can still love you, when we haven't truly spoke in ages. How if I could I would still hang onto to each of your last words But I'll never have that chance again, and it bothers me so much that though we've had closure I just want to open that chapter again and relive I could go on and on about what I wish, and what we did and I could live with what I've done and what you did but truth is that I feel utterly alone, and with you... at least there was someone I knew I could count on.
  18. As the title states, I'm Buddhist and she is Christian. Even worse, her father was a Pastor, now retired. He is a very religious person. She was also before we met. We've been together for over 6 years. Since we've met she is slowly been missing church, so on and so on. I feel bad as I feel it is my fault she is drifting away from her religion. I've never been a religious person. Just recently, her father has found out about us and has requested that we have dinner and speak about our future. We did, and he wants us to get married, and in the mean time, wants to educate me on Christianity with the hopes of me converting. I don't know what to do. In one hand, I do love her and am willing to convert if need be. But I don't want to lie to myself and to anyone else by saying that I believe. I recently found myself at her fathers house on a sunday for bible study. While they were reading, so many doubts and questions came into my head. I felt fake, as I did not believe in what I was reading. I put up a fake face as I did not want to offend anyone. In a really naive way, I felt as though I betrayed Buddhism, although I am not an avid follower. At the end of the session, her dad asked me if I was ready to accept Jesus. I didn't know what to say. I told him that I was not ready. And that I need to really think about things and learn more about Christianity before I decide. He agreed. Just yesterday, she asked me if I was going with her to her dad's again. I declined as I didn't feel comfortable and was tired. She got so agry, she started up an argument over nothing. We almost got to the point of ending it. I guess I didn't realize how important it was to her. But am I wrong for declining and being reluctant? I don't know what to do. Again, I am willing to convert, but if I do not believe in the religion, then how can I? Perhaps only time will tell if I can accept Jesus or not. Confused.
  19. ok for like 9 months this guy ive been with off and on has been messing with my head and emotions but i dont know what purpose it serves him to do it. so heres the story maybe you could help. please read it. we'll say im abby and hes josh. i met josh last summer and i basically took his virginity. hes 18 im 21. at first everything was ok. then he broke up with me so i slept with my ex while he was around in my apt. complex. he got upset wouldnt talk to me for like 2 weeks. then we barely got along. i had gotton into a fight with a frien and he over heard me screaming, well im freakng sorry i fallen for someone and gotton myself into something i shouldnt have but i cant help how i feel and jsut because he doesnt care for me doesnt me i dont care for him adn it doesnt give him a right to just treat me like crap. he then came tome later that night drucnk and practically in tears saying he was sorry that he hurt me and he didnt mean to. then we started getting along again right before he went on vaction in october and we messed around. then he came back everything was ok for like 3 days then we were back at square one. about a month passed, the whole time we were giving kisses goodbye and hello and hugging alot. then one day a friend that i will call shannon was like "oh well josh has this girl in school that hes always kissing an hugging and holding hands with and such" that really hurt me. well about 2 days later he was like oh im going to hang out with my friend (who was a guy) in the development in our town. the next day when i went to get my friend from school i saw him holding her ahnd and kissing her. he was unaware that i seen this. he came to me and was like im going with that kid and then the girl came up grabbed his hand and kissed him. my first reaction was to cry. and that i did. i continued to cry all the way home. then when i got here i punched a whole in my apt. wall. he later on was at the local quick check by my apt. and i went there to take my neighbor son to get milk. he saw josh and was liek ya know abbys really upset about leigh (thats what we will call her). josh was like "i dont freaking care!!" then he came to my house and decided to drink bacardi 151 with one of my friends and get completely trashed. he then continued to pick a fight with me and tell me i was nothing more then sex. thats all he was looking to do. and so on and so forth. then he said that he never wanted to come over ever again. that crushed me. but what crushed me more is the fact that shes 14!! i mean yea what a 21 y.o. doing with a 18 y.o. but honestly thats nto nearly as bad as a 18 year old boy doing messing around with a 14 year old girl??? then i thoguht to myself i am i being punished for what you basically had me thinking. he then came over 2 days later and apologized to me for acting like a jerk. about a week alter we decided to have a party. he got drunk and i appraoched him asking to do some naughty things. he was starting to sober up but denied it. he was like ok when we come back from taking everyone home(me being the nice one and being the designated driver at my own party). we came home and continued with what we had planned. i gave him 2 huge hickys ont eh side of his neck knowing very well he would have to see his "girlfriend" the next day. he went to school came home said nothing. im guessing since he was wearing a hooded sweat shirt she did not see them. well that same day my friend shannon came back over and was like "josh told me you 2 had sex, he told me today during math class" i found that extremely unusual considering he never tells ppl. about what we do especially shannon. anyway, the next day i pick him up from school and he was like "leigh saw my neck today." i was like "well what did she say" he said "she like who gave you those and i was like my ex girlfriend abby" he then continued to say how she slapped him accross the face. hes like "whatever shes freaking 14, whatever i dont care about her." then he grabbed my hand and squeezed it. we were fine until thanks giving i had been bad and read his AIM logs that keeps track of his conversations with ppl online. he said some really messed up things about me. he said i was gross and ugly and he would never touch me ever again. then he told me how this girl from where he used to live and that was his ex girlfrined was coming to our town to spend the ngiht at his house. i didnt take to that to well. it was eating me alive finally i got the nerve to be like do you like her? his responce: no. then i was liek are you gonna sleep with her? his responce: yes. do you have feelings for her? his responce: no. i was like ok. ill deal. he got mad as usual and barely talked to me. one night he was being a dick and i partied a little to much i took alot of things that shouldnt ahve been mixed together and was in danger of going to the hospital. he had gotton mad at that and him and another one of teh ppl. here went to his house around 4 am while i went to the store with a friend. i had blacked otu by that point and drove my car 1/4 mile down the road to his house and was crying hysterically saying im sorry dont leave me (yea i know how pathetic). then my friend i was with befiore at the store came to his house and told him to drive me in my car to the hospital. he tried to and on teh way i remember him rubbing my leg being like honey stay with me i dont want to loose you. i cant lose you. then i blacked out again and came to by the hospital and started saying if you care about me you wont ake me. youll take me home. if you love me you wont take me there. he was like i do care about you and thats why im taking you there. i was like ill get out and i opened my door. and he was like ok well if i dont think youre getting anybetter int he next 30 mins im taking you. i was like ok. he took me home and sat me down and was like eat this bread. i was like no ill throw up. hes like i know. but if you lvoe me youll do it. i was like dont do this to me. he then threw the bread and was like whatever. and looked like he wanted to cry. i was like i jsut want to lay in bed. he sat the checking my breathing for 4 or 5 hours while holding me in his arms until i fell alseep. needless to say the ex girlfriend didnt come over and he barely talks to her now. i was still seeing all the messed up things he saying about me to his friends. but thngs were getting better. we spent the holidays together. they were fine. in the beginning of janurary we messed around once again. then about 2 weeks after that he said alot of nasty things about me to our mutaul friend tom. i called him on it and was like its just guy talk thats not something that i can say to your face. i was like if it couldnt be siad to my face then it shouldnt be said at all. and we had this huge fight and he went home saying he was jsut trying to get some. thats all. so we continued arguing the whole way to his hosue and i asked if he was gonna come back and hes like maybe. then we tryed talking again and continued to fight and he took all his stuff home. clothes ps2 everything. so then i tried getting him repeatedly to hang out with me and apologize, he didnt care. then one night at like 3/4am he came to my house to apologize. adn he did hes like im really sorry for being really mean to you. i had no right. and gave me a hug. i then told him i accept your apology but i dont want to talk about it now. he then went threw my AIM logs and read how ppl thought he was using me and how i kept that int he back of my head. he then woke me up to tell me he was pissed and leaving i ws like are you gonna come back he said probably not. i then chased afer him and got him int he car and i was like i dont think youre using me. everyone else does. and i basically poure my heart and soul out to him and he looked like he wanted to cry but he listened. a few hours later around 8am i went to his house. and i went to his room and we made up. he apologized so did i. everything was fine. around the 3 of this month (march) we started to mess around again. alot. it was like how we were back in august. one night he had asked me for some "oral" i apartently made it seem like i didnt want to and hes like dont do it if youre gonna think less of me. i was like i wont. (keep in mind one of the things he had said about he was that he felt like i was gonna bite "it" off while giving him oral compinsation.) so i did it and in the middle of it he was like can you rearrange your ahnd so it can feel differently. i was like ok and then he waslike whats wronge and i just put my head on he stomach and saind nothing. hes like no whats wrong and i was liek you dont like it. hes like no i do but.. i cut him off and was like then why did you say all that stuff about me then. he was like because i was mad i was just talking stuff. then he was like you know you are really special to me. i dont know where i would be without you. that really freaked me out so i turned away and hes like honey, honey. and i just stayed there with my back towards him. then he rolled away and i heard sniffiling. so i rolled over and he was all upset and i was like honey im sorry you jsut really freaked me out and im just really afraid youre gonna hurt me again. you really messed em up with what you said about me. and now im scared. hes like dont be im not gonna hurt you and im sorry that i did i really mean it youre really specail to me. then i was like i lvoe you honey hes like i lvoe you to abby. then i went to finish what we started and hes like no even thoguh he was still hard and was like i jsut want to hold you and go to sleep. so about like 10 mins later i tried again adn he laughed and was like what are you doing i was like playtime??? and hes like no silly cuddle time. and for about a week or so after taht we were ok. but then one morning its like he decided to wake up and stop. a week after that him and my sister got into a fight and he left and alot happened that he feels responsably and apologeticv for. but honestly i wouldnt have let it happen if he didnt say what he did to me. the say after everything ahppened i asked him if he loved me still and hes like as a friend. that killed me completely. and now 2 days agao. i called his house 3 times in the course of 6 hours his mom freaked out said i got him kicked out by their landlord. and that im risking her alcoholic soberitey. and that i runed her faimly. he was like dont scream at her and his mom was like josh shes ruining evrything. and he got mad threqw his ps2 controller and was like stop freaking screaming at her and shes like but josh!! and hes liek [Profanity Removed by Moderator] you im leaving. he then later told me not to be sorry and not to cry. and that he like being at my apt. with me. and last ngiht instead of sleeping in my bed with me he slpet on the couch. so in a nut shell we make nice nice, fight about it, he apologizes, keeps his distance, comes around again, we make nice nice, and then it all happens all over again. please help me with this. i know he does love me but why is he doing this. and how do i get him to commit. or will i ever?
  20. Hello all. I just found this forum about 5 minutes ago, it seemed there were some helpful people on it. Anyway, to my problem... I met this guy a while back, we became friends. I think it was, over 3 years ago. Anyway, he would always brag about his girlfriend who would "give it up" all the time, etc. Eventually he confided in me that he cheated on her, etc. He was pretty abusive, manipulative also. Anyway, I met her and we begin chatting online, he got jealous and asked her to block me. She did. Things went by for a while, then she found logs of him talking to a girl online, telling her he loved her etc. He asked me to lie and say I did it under his name cause I thought it was funny, so I did. Eventually I felt guilty and told her about how he really is, she kind of new but wasn't willing to accept it. I didn't really want to be the friend of a guy like that, so I didn't care anyway. But eventually me and her began to hang out and such, and she started to like me. We started dating and such not long after they broke up. He would call her and freak out and cry and he proposed to her etc, he seemed kind of insane about the whole thing. But she got through it, and we started a relationship. She was always a Very great girl. The nicest person i'd ever met, she even looked great. She always treated me way too good. We got along perfectly, never a disagreement about Anything (Even for like, the first year of our relationship). After about a month she told me she lied to me about something, not too big of a deal but kind of private. After that I realized she was capable of lying etc but I still thought of her as a perfect angel and thought she'd never do it again. It took another year or so before I found out that wasn't true, and she became very guilty, and started to try to remember everything bad she had done to me and every night she would come up with like 5 or 10 new things to tell me. I thought, if she cares enough to try to remember everything then she must be wonderful. So I was a bit bummed but I took it more well than I thought. Even at this point, we were insanely close. We got so close so fast (had sex on our first night together, and we didn't want each other for sex or anything, it was actually an accident, funny story, but, again, private. Anyway, we were inseperable, she moved in after about 4 months of us dating but moved out again, she told me it was because her mom was making her (turns out, she just didn't feel comfortable living with me yet and not her family -- she told me during the time that she began to confide in me about everything she did, a year or so after our relationship start, that she asked her sister to come pick her up, it was her own free will). Didn't bug me too much, still. She would go through these phases, where she would become, kind of... independent... She would try to get friends and such. For our relationship, that was odd. we basically sacrificed all of our friends so we could be together 24/7. Eventually we started hanging out with the mutual friends we had before we started dating (all guys, though...) Anyway... I'm sorry this post is so long, I haven't even got to any of the important parts yet! I'ts just, i'm trying to paint a good picture of what we were like, and I really need some help, so it would be great if someone could understand where i'm coming from. Anyway! we were together all the time, eventually we would hang out with friends and stuff, we went through a lot together too, a week or two after we started dating she found out she was pregnant, I stayed right by her. I was very serious about her. we thought it might have been ours, we realized later it was her ex's more than likely, she was too far along for it to have been mine. Anyway, she had a miscarriage so we never got to find out what would have happened (we would have stayed together, surely. Just wondered about what would have happened to her ex)... Anyway. she had issues, I think she is bipolar, and I think she has some strange chemical imbalance due to the fact that she goes through those weird "phases" for months at a time and her opinions about everything change, then a couple months later goes back to normal! or a couple weeks sometimes. She had a lot of problems, her ex and her had an abortion on their first pregnancy, it really messed her up. It killed her to think about. I don't blame her. She and I still got through everything beautifully though. We became very jealous, not wanting the other to hang out with people of the opposite sex (or sometimes, anyone). I didn't mind it, we were so close that it was great and normal for us. She did so many romantic things, she saved up a bunch of money for a guitar one time for me, on my birthday. and when I went to her house she showed me. and it turns out, although she had no musical knowledge she spent the last week or so trying to learn the birthday song on it, and tried to play it for me when I came over. It was possibly the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for me, with the exception of other things she did for me as well. I was like that to her, too. And we were great. then after about 2 years of us dating maybe 1 year and 8 months or 10 months we started to argue pretty badly. I dont really know why, it's just that when you become more used to someone you tend to open up to them more, even in negative ways (kind of how like if you meet a new friend they won't really say mean things or argue a lot, they seem pretty nice and understanding, but then after theyve known you for a year or so you might argue every so often or have dumb fights)... Anywho... Sometimes we said Really mean things. nothing like I hate you or anything (Quite the opposite, ever since the first few months of our relationship we told each other we loved each other like every minute! It became like, something we would say after every sentence almost, sounds kind of crazy haha but we were like some crazy relationship out of a movie. Everyone admired us for being so close. Anyway, she had gone through some phases where she seemed to be attracted to other guys or really wanted some friend time (without me). She even thought she was a witch for a few months (it was a phase, I supported her through it even though I don't believe in that kind of thing). But anyway, we would sometimes have real bad arguments and say things we didn't mean, those things in a normal relationship are like every day I think though, i can't remember much of what we said. But anyway since like 6 months ago she told me to shut up once I think and we said it since then like a dozen times each. was weird for us. but we were still unbelievably close. We met this guy, a while ago. Maybe a month or so. He seemed pretty cool. Weird at first, takes a lot of meds and sees a shrink for mental problems etc, I thought he was pretty cool though. Actually I liked him a lot. he started picking up on my behaviour ( a lot of people do that, all of our circle of friends kind of act like me now, It's hard to explain but I act very specific and weird, just kind of goofy )... anyway. He started to act like me completely, and I found out we knew about all the same things, liked the same shows and movies and games and he was almost like a duplicate clone of me. it was weird, some core things were still different though, his beliefs, etc. So anyway, after about 2 weeks ago maybe a little bit more, she started talking about how she felt weird around him. She said she had kind of "feelings" welled up for him when she was around him, and she promised me she didn't like hiim though even her co worker and her mom and stuff said she did. Eventually she described it more, she couldnt stop staring at him, wanted to be around him etc. This was quite possibly the strangest thing that had ever happened to us in our lives. We were so unbelievably close, like wanting marriage and kid close (we weren't financially stable yet, though. so I convinced her to wait. I dont know if that was a mistake, though. =(.. anyway). I couldn't believe she liked some other guy. I told her, she did. I kept trying to explain to her she's just denying it because i'ts an unbelievable thing in our relationship. She eventually admitted it, and we agreed to stop seeing him because we didn't want it to mess us up. Well, I wanted her to wait a while and all because I didn't want our friends and family and such to find out, and it would be akward and I was embarrassed for him to find out, we hung out with him quite a bit (They both liked hanging out with each other, I should have let her cut it off with him right away) and we got closer to him, we would go swimming like everyday or watch movies or whatever and she told me the longer she waited the more she would grow towards him. Eventually it became very bad we would argue about it, she wanted to tell him soo bad that she liked him, I think a lot of the reason was because she needed to find out if he did too. Keep in mind, he's an overweight, not a handsome at all guy, with huuuuge coke bottle glasses, a social outcast virgin type of guy, lives with his dad, etc. Has pet rats who pee all over the place, has no job. Basically, most women would reject him. I'm kind of the same way. Overweight, live with dad, no job. Etc... So, she could definitely see past things like that, which just reinforced the fact that she was a good person, not caring about looks or money, when she could have. She was quite a looker, too. and just a great person. I was lucky, and now he is. Anyway, she would tell me all the time she was the lucky one and didn't deserve me, I felt like she was blind. Ever see the movie "Shallow hal"? I'ts like that. Anyway, like four days ago I told her to go see him and tell him, she asked if she could go alone because it would be her last time seeing him and she cared about him a little and it hurt a bit. I told her okay. even though it killed me (you have to remember how close and jealous and loving we were... her hanging out with any guy alone was pretty bad, but a guy she admitted to liking? ick). Anyway... she stayed there til late ( my brother and some friends were at a friends house with the guy, she was goiung to visit her mom who doesn't live far and she went there late to hang out with them (and to tell him, but our friends didn't know). They sat around on the couch, i'm sure she stared at him a lot, etc. And eventually they kind of fell asleep (They were both pretending I later found out, neither knew the other was). And they kind of layed with each other.. her arm around his waist, etc. Once again, unheard of for us. So anyway, they both heard one of our friends remark (I'm glad Jake isn't here, he wouldn't like this). The guy she liked probably started to realize something was up about then. I didn't get to talk to her that night, unfortunately. Things might be different if I did. she asked him for a ride home at like 3am and they talked til like 4. I was asleep. It might have been later. He told her he liked her too, since he met her. she went back to her moms and called me in the morning. I picked up the phone, relieved and glad to be through all of this and back to the amazing wonderful relationship we'd had for three years. She told me, just that last night she would never leave me, and we'd get through this. she was being so close, and wonderful. We even did some sexual things that night... Anyway, I forgot to mention.. we had been talking about breaking up and having pretty bad arguments for the last week or so, but we always said things we didn't even come close to meaning so neither of us took it seriously. Anyway, she called me up and told me she couldn't stand not to be around him and how bad she felt. She kept saying we should break up because we had so many problems (Arguments I guess). She didn't at all say anything about being with him. But she had told me if we did break up or take a break she would stay at his house, she felt weird being around her family during all of this. I guess it was kind of a big thing I didn't really realize it but that's not cool. Anyway, we broke up. She told me she couldn't do it, and I knew she needed to. Even as I said it I knew I didn't mean it at all (I figured we would be back together the very same night!) She told me she could never move on, even if i did. But that week she told me if I Did maybe she could.. with him...That hurt, a lot. Basically we had resigned ourselves to the fact that if one of us died we could never even consider moving on. We'd wait to die to meet the other one in wherever you went where you died (we were just a tiny bit religious)... Anyway, she and I hung up afterwards, and I couldn't stand it so I Called her back in a while. Her sister told me she was at his house. I freaked, I couldn't breathe, etc. I didn't know I would feel that bad. so I called. no one answered, I kept calling and it turns out he turned the phone off in case she didn't want to talk to me.. That messed everything up. If she had talked to me she wouldn't have done all this stuff, but I hopped on my bike and pedaled acrross town in the night and rain and finally got there. I was going to knock on his window but, although I trusted her completely, I decided I Wanted to look in to see how she was acting, even had a thought they would be doing something sexual or something and lie about it if I asked, and the only way i'd know is to see for myself... even if It was just a crazy thought in my opinion. I was going out of my mind though. So I collected myself and walked up to the window, I saw his head moving funny but that's all I could see. I freaked out. I thought this might be the end. I felt like I was going to die. so I walked back to the driveway and summed up the courage to go back and look inside, I was quiet and I got close enough to see them making out. I had never felt anything like I did just at that moment. I couldn't move, I didn't want to see it and I was almost pleading with myself for it not to be true. but it was, i couldn't stop watching. She was looking so lovingly and passionately grabbing his hair. Turns out, it took her a few hours to move on from her unbelievable 3 year relationship with someone who honestly was like a sibling, best friend (we both agreed) and lover and almost parent to her. The closest two people in the world we thought. It only took a couple hours to move on from that, to making out with some guy she has known for maybe a month. So. I couldn't believe it. Everything about her moving on, it was a lie. Even if she didn't know it at the time. I was breathing incredibly heavy and I almost fell down in his driveway. I collected myself for maybe 5 minutes and walked back to the window and tapped on the other side where I couldn't see them, I acted like I didn't know. She came out looking guilty and such, and told me right away. I was like yeah I know, I saw. She apologised, told me she didn't mean for it to happen. Basically she was acting pretty distant from me. I was quite upset. I had been kind of keeping things from her for the past 2 years, I would look at porn every so often. It made me feel better. But not in the way that it would seem. I just did it because It kind of made me feel like we were equal. I almost felt like she actually WAS a bad girlfriend (she told me all the time and I told her of course not). and I felt bad about it, more bad than anything the whole time I ever did it. But I did it to get back at her in a way, sometimes I felt angry. We had never said we were angry at each other, always denied it. Even at the end. But anyway, I kind of knew subconsciously I was doing it to preserve the notion that I don't deserve her, and she shouldn't treat me so good, a staple of our relationship was that we felt that way about each other. Also, she did this to me during the beginning. I was a tad bitter for it. I told her I have been doing that, she really freaked out. I thought she was ready to hear it because of her, you know, with another guy. It still upset her very much, and I felt very bad. She told me she had to go, and didn't want to hear any more about it. I asked for a ride him and she asked him so he drove me. We talked for hours. It made me feel better, I wasn't mad at him and I felt like i'd gotten over her. But I knew, as soon as I stepped out of the car I'd feel as bad as I did before I stepped in. So Eventually I went inside and couldn't sleep, or eat. I still haven't been able to sleep more than an hour or so a night. and all i've eaten is a couple of cheesy bread rolls and a third of a sandwhich(this is not normal for me, i'm a freakin' pig!) Anyway, the day afterwards I talked to her in the morning, she was very distant. I was hurt a lot, that night she wouldn't kiss me or tell me she loved me or anything. And when we talked, she was acting like either I was a stranger or someone she didn't like, but she was still being friendly. So anyway, I asked her what's happened so far, I guess she had slept in his bed with him that night, you know holding each other etc. She told me she wouldn't have sex with him or anything but I believe later that day she said she would do sexual stuff with him, not quite that much though. I think it is very wrong and not morally right (the word that comes to mind is S.L.U.T. even though I don't really think that of her, some of our friends do.) that she would be willing to go down on two different guys in like 40 hours. But anyway, the next day or so they told each other they loved each other. And the night after we broke up I think they decided to move in together. all of that stuff is insane for a normal person, I think... She was talking about moving her stuff out etc. So since then I've been calling up a lot and he is probably very annoyed. I keep asking her if they had sex or anything and she says no, finally though I guess they kind of fooled around last night. she told me he touched her chest, and they did something else but it wasn't a big deal and she wouldn't tell me. It kills me to think about. I wish I knew what it was. I wish she wouldn't be with him, at least. If she wasn't with ANYONE I wouldn't feel so rejected. I'ts funny how in like 6 hours someone can change from your mother sister best friend lover and soul mate to some distant harlot. I still feel the same way I ever have about her. And I feel like if true love is there then even if she does things like this I should forgive her for it. I know couples who have gotten through affairs etc. She keeps telling me there is no chance of us getting back together and when I say you sure? she says yeah kind of. so I keep getting the impression that there is a chance, and it drives me crazy. I hurt, all the time. Not like depressed, I've been that before. But a stabbing pain I can't deal with for more than one second before I have to get some alcohol or find someone to talk to to get my mind off of it. I don't know what to do. I want her back. I pray every day and I tell her that all the time, that we should be together I tell her that this is too much to throw away for stupid reasons like this. She feels like they are going to be together forever. and he's never even kissed a girl, he has never had anything like this. he feels like it's true love. although I had been terribly inexperienced when I met her as well. She took my virgnity. Her ex took hers, though.... Anyway... We met when I was 16, and she was 15. Turns out she went to school with me in 7th grade but we didn't know each other well. It was odd to think of, because we felt like we knew each other our entire lives. Now i'm 19 and gonna be 20 in jan. she's 18 and is going to be 19 in november. There is a million things I forgot to say, i'm really beat and tired and can't think well at all. I don't think I have began to describe the first half of our amazing relationship nor do I think I have listed all of our problems, no one could understand what we were like, the things we said to each other, promises made. Things that aren't even said in movies. It was more than that. We were meant for each other, so we thought. I still kind of do. Every time I think about one of the really sweet nice memories of her (all of them, very fond) It hurts the worst. Worse than when I think about her with Him even. We live in a pretty big town and the time we've spent together we have been to every square inch of it it seems I went downtown today and every bench on the way there for miles, every building, every tree seemed to hold a memory of us doing something romantic with each other, or even just being there (which is romantic seeming anyway). Every ten feet I would remember a new experience we had or time we shared. And it's not the fact that i'm reminded of her that kills me, it's the great memories, they hurt too much. Bad ones don't, if I felt she was a horrible person this wouldn't be as hard. But it is, and I have to remember the most warm and unbelievably good feeling constantly when i'm reminded of the great things we've done. I'ts too hard to believe this is close to being worth throwing all away for any of the reasons she might think (She keeps telling me she's doing it to keep from hurting me, but I've gotten over petty jealousy stuff now. I told her that, I was supremely happy even in our worst times or even when I said or thought I wasn't, but now she kind of acts like the reason to throw it all away is because she loves him. Anyway... Not even our friends knew what we were like although they had a decent idea, no one came close to understanding us. I loved every minute of it. I loved making her feel better, the spiritual guidance, the sexual things even, or the gifts or everything. We had names for our kids planned out, and all. Only reason we hadn't gotten married is because I wanted to save up some money first. Anyway, I have to go. I'm going to her work to meet her on her lunch break (The only way to see her alone without him is to surprise her...) I'm forgetting like 9 / 10ths of the situation probably so this is going to be very different seeming to everyone who reads it than it really is. I mean, she didn't have a job or anything until like 2 months ago, and when she got it she started to change a lot, "Grow Up" she calls it, I don't think so though. I'ts like she's been in one of those constant phases for the last year with about a month long break 5 months ago or so where we didn't argue at all. I don't know, I still need her, a lot. I'm trying to get my brother or one of our old friends to tell her she's making a mistake since she won't believe me. But anyway, I need some help. I don't know what to do, I can't let her go. I need more so badly. I wish she still needed me. I'm going to miss my bus. I'm very sorry for the long post (I always hear that on the internet but it always is like three paragraphs heh, I think this one is actually pretty long). I'm also sorry if i'm not making much sense, or if this is the wrong place to present such a problem. I'm just tired and worn out and not thinking very well. I'm going to try to have as good a time as I can though. i'm meeting one of our friends and my brother downtown to surprise her, she will probably be upset and so will her.. Boyfriend.. Well, anyway. I gotta go, thanks to anyone who actually read all of this! heh. it's basically as much of my life story as I can remember (the situation is so much more unbelievably complex, and goes back to before where I started, maybe another time i'll type the whole thing out but it would take months I think, heh). Anyway, if anyone has any advice on how I could get over her or even if it is a good idea to or how I could get her to see what she's doing or anything I would be eternally grateful. Any help is appreciated. Thanks very much, all. I'm going to try to make it down there to see her now. I emailed her a long letter telling her how much I love her and reminding her of our good times, etc. She's kind of upset now because it made her sad but maybe it made her feel better about me. She is possibly throwing away the dream life, with a good house and children and dog named spot and SUV in the driveway and soccer practice and everything we were going to have together. And she's taking my life with her, since she is my life. I've got to give it one more shot. I'll let you know how it goes if i'm still alive when I get back =/... Wish me luck! -Jake
  21. "Stupid". By me. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- I feel so impatient when you're around, in body or of mind. A loss of words strikes my lips heavily, and it leaves me blind. What is it about you that weakens me so? That paradoxical mind frame I've come to know... I don't hate you but I'm not sure I like you, back and forth like an ocean, I just can't find an even flow. For years and years we fight and befriend, slowly, but surely, I thought I'd found a trend. Withdrawn unto my shell to find a place to mend, After all: you wound me, intrigue me but I feel I must defend. Often you seem so arrogant, but I wonder if it were a front, to hide a weakened self in you, Do excuse me if I seem too blunt. I only mean to sympathize, my words not meant to chastise, but often mistaken I wish you'd realize, I'm not what the world sees. Alas it's something I'll take with me to the grave, my ashes you'd cast upon a crimson breeze. You make me feel so worthless, stupid and alone. The face you stare upon me with is solid like a stone. A pedestal your on, I can't reach you upon that mighty throne. I feel so little in your presence, insignificant to the very last, you and I both know it's everything to do with what happened in the past. I hate this meager existence, and I cry for something more, but by now I fear my plight to you is just too much a bore. I'll just sit here feeling stupid, pondering the stars, what my place upon them is, and will I ever get far? By now my words may have upset you, as they often do, I guess that's just my way of reacting, because I'm confused by everything you do. I never was good at understanding, such a thing I should be able too, So I'll walk away in silence, pretend to myself I know what I'm saying though I know this not to be true. Devastating every time, I'm sorry but I just can't seem to hate you. I Guess. That just makes me. Stupid.
  22. There was a time when I could have said It feels like we’ve known each other forever. Now, I might say It feels like we’ve never met. Friendships That feel like dreams— Did we really Once flop over in the yard, sitting cross-legged, sharing different shades of pink nail polish? Was it real when we Played hide and seek and hid in strangers’ back yards, feeling clever and triumphant and mischievous and hoping we weren’t still waiting to be found when the sun went down? Can you remember when we Argued over who got to be the pink Power Ranger? Isn’t it funny how we Wrote notes to each other in sparkly gold ink and folded them into cute little origami shapes? Wasn’t it weird when most of our conversations Were about boys and kissing and wanting to be all grown up? Wasn’t it strange when we Started getting into trouble?—not the kind of trouble where our parents grounded us, but when the police caught us and the judge sentenced us? Wasn’t it surprising When we realized they were all just memories, buried, fading, the way dreams begin to fade upon waking? Isn’t it sad how we Share these memories but It feels like we’ve never met?
  23. I hope you get something from this... It made me feel better writing it... You are weak, and I am a wonder I am immovable, and you were a blunder Never again will your ears hear the sound Of my voice or the words of me coming around Your eyes will not rest or gaze upon me Our lips will not touch, this moment I'm free It was you who choose this, it was not I I've pined and I've prayed and I've hoped I would die But no more - it ends now, you cease to exist And shall be wiped clean from my mind, I'll persist And I'll fight and I'll shut you out And the memories, and wine, and us rolling about Are erased, extinguished, and sapped of their joy And the base hopes of a simple, soft boy Who wanted and needed and waited and pleaded And greeted you every moment and day Will lay by the side of the road and decay Like an animal who froze and was crushed Cracked and broken, those words in my stomach Never again to be spoken I'll never look back at this path that you chose I'll be gone, gone, gone, away and away Not waiting and hoping to again be your prey I'll be gone, but I'll be there the same Like a cancerous tumor that grows in your brain And grows to a point of pressure and pain When you realize the wonder you tossed aside And all of your fancy new dreams subside When the cheap pleasure you chose to replace Will stare you down in your old woman face You'll slip back to that wonder I was And you'll cry and feel that anguish Each day 'till you die
  24. where life meets no end, and the purple sky has boundaries, where the resting reins, and the awake sleeps helplessly, Breathing, Grasping for air, reaching, pulling, Where are the hands to grab, and where have the weapons gone to fight, are we left alone here, are the purple skies falling? Panic, or panic not, Scream for help, is there any? Take a deep breath of Air no more, Where has the little things gone, and little air left breath, such a big deal, such little time, The dead awake, they move, helplessly attacking all they can find, but who is left to destroy, We seek and seek? To find our graves? Or to find air? Has the purple sky swallowed it all? We dance for freedom, as we fall to the ground, no air even to breathe for our freedom. The purple sky smiles with glee, and dances for the suffocating, Tormented, motionless souls, bring to them a real breath? sky of white! I kinda just wrote this when I was in blank mood....It just one of my little crapy poems...hoping you might like it...
  25. *This disclaimer tells you that there is no set way or structure to what I write, just an assembly put into text, it isnt poetry or a short story, it just..is* Your bloodstream was laced with alcohol, you threw yourself onto me, I picked you up, carried you home, tucked you into bed, and placed a cold compress on your head, "YOU'LL FEEL BETTER IN THE MORNING KNOWING YOU NEVER SLEPT WITH ME" I said "C'MON MAKE ANIMALISTIC LOVE TO ME" remarked the girl with the soft, cold, watery towel on her head I tucked her in, kissed her cheek, and watched eager-eyde as she drifted to sleep. Hours later her eyes opened with a small peep. "Thanks for getting me home safely" she said with a curious smile All the while, fighting denial "Did I push myself onto you"? yes you did, but I didn't take heed, I wanted you to be in a clear frame of mind should you choose to sleep with me, no regrets, no "good lord what I have I done", just clarity. She looked at me, pained and hungover "Nobody I know has ever respected me like you have done, I dont even know you but would have regretted the fun, I dont sleep around, never wanted to and never will, and for you to resist me on a plate, shows great character and will" I smiled She remarked "I have this song stuck in my head, it's real relaxing" It was the lullaby I had sung her whilst tucking her in. I looked worn, keeping vigil to make sure she didnt swallow her tongue made me tired "Come under here, hold me, and tell me about yourself" Said the girl with the now-warm-compress on her throbbing head.
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