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About Me

  1. Dear Catherine Angelina Marie, You were a miracle to have been conceived at all and I am so blessed to have been your mother. I know it maybe be silly to some that you have been named and that I would make a journal for you. I may have only known about your existence for about a week but you were still every bit my child and I love you. I have no idea if you were a son or a daughter but I have named you a girl. I am happy you have the company of your other siblings in heaven. You can be sure mommy thinks of you and loves you.
  2. My wife and I were living in Japan for quite awhile. We got married there and had two children. After the extremely lengthy visa process, my wife finally was granted a visa and we've moved to America. While living in Japan, I barely made enough money to survive. The last couple years there I was only able to get by because of the US stimuli and the Japanese stimuli. Without those, we would have been in some hot water. Anyway, we made it to America, and I just got a job. It pays much better than my Japanese job, but I can't really afford much, due to inflation and all that. My parents helped us to move to America, and we are living with them. My wife doesn't have a driver's license here, nor does she have a job. Even if she got all those things, we'd have to put the kids in daycare which, in Japan, was like $300/month total, for both kids. Here, it's around $1,000/month per kid. Crazy. So, she is just staying at home, cooking and cleaning, and taking care of the kids. However, my mother is driving her crazy. She is insulting her cooking, insisting that she is raising the kids incorrectly, and just making nasty comments that hurts my wife's feelings. My wife ends up crying every night. At the same time, she tries to not let it show. So, when I said that I would confront my mother and try to get her to stop, my wife refused the help, telling me that she would be upset if I said anything; she just wants to leave. Even so, I can't afford an apartment yet, with the crazy inflated prices. What should I do to deal with my toxic mother?
  3. My(20f) Bf(20m) and I have been together a year and a half. It has been up and down but we do love each other a lot and genuinely have a great time in each others company. However, I'd be lying if I didn't say there were red flags. Most recently last night something came up that is making me question myself. My Bf has been on a vacation abroad for the past month and returns tomorrow. Since the beginning of December we've been planning on taking a romantic getaway to reconnect/ celebrate our anniversary. Our getaway will be the 27th-29th so really nothing huge. I footed the bill for our Airbnb and did most of the planning as he's out of the country. Before we booked our place I told him to make sure his mom was alright with him going. She said it was fine to him and even mentioned to me that it was fine. Last night while on the phone my Bf informs me that his mom and little brother are now going to come along. He says they will be staying with his relatives that live in the same city we're going to and we are just going to drop them off the first day then when we come home all ride home together. He said his mom asked and he agreed. Consulted with me about none of it. Now if I say anything I am seen as a selfish girl trying to distract him and take him away from his family. I am sick of being cast in this light. I try hard to build a bond with his family and mother particularly but I feel like this is sort of a slap in the face. I'm upset at his mother for asking. She knew this was a vacation just us yet she still asked. If we just dropped them off it wouldn't be a huge deal but I was looking forward to the drive there with him. Also I have a suspicion that what will actually end up happening is his mom calling him constantly and asking for us to all go do something or for a ride somewhere in the city. I hate being put in this position where I have to say no about his family but this was supposed to be for US. This issue has brought a bigger problem to my attention. My Bf's dynamic with his family is extremely different than mine. I am the youngest, he's the oldest. His mom is super involved with him, my parents are more hands off. His family takes vacations, my parents travel by themselves. I feel like I have a lot more independence than he does because his mom coddles him. He makes comments about how cold my family is and really makes me feel sad about it. I have always been insecure about how distant my family is but that's just how things have always been for me. I wished my family was more "fun" and did things like his but my family is small and we're all grown children now.
  4. When I was young, my dad said a lot of because of me, he stayed in the marriage with my mom. He wasn't appreciated at all by her. He was not happy with my mum... Could that be called love or is it a cheating? Of course, he was dating with a woman when I was very young and my mother was very angry and they fought a lot on that but in the end, the marriage eventually stayed. I very much stood by my mom, but after many years, my auntie revealed that my mom once brought a man that she held hands with to visit my auntie. I feel my parents are in the end staying together for me, but I feel they both are cheaters.
  5. Hello. I will try to explain myself as simply as I can. I had some relation problems in July and I asked help from here. Firstly, let me summarize that relationship: I had an online relationship, then we have seen each other several times in reel life, we had some jeaolusy problems and someday i couldn't give enough care and time to him because of my own problems. Then, on June, he decided to end our relationship, and I tried to get him back with a trick: I wanted him to be jealous of me. I wanted him to regret his decision about ending this relationship and I wanted him to try to win me back. This childish idea obviously didn't work and he left me completely, and I couldn't win him back. Until last week, I begged for 3 months to win him back, but no mather what I did, it didn't work. Finally, I got tired and gave up. I deleted him on everywhere and I didn't see him later. And I made a promise to myself; I won't see him ever in my whole life. At this point, I tried to focus on the other things in my life. Like my family and my school. But hey... there was a problem. I was so preoccupied with my relationship problems that everything else was "secondary issue" to me. Even myself and my mental health was a "secondary issue" to me... I thought that if I could get my boyfriend back, I could handle everything else. And now, I have to face and deal with that crooked idea. First of all, I explained the whole story to my mother (firstly I have to admit I had an online relationship, yes I prefer "admit" word because it is a "no-no" in her opinion). I did this to end all my feelings for him and create a point of no return... She was very angry (as always) and she threatened me with my father. She said "I will tell everything to your father and he will beat you. Because by talking to people you don't know, you put not only yourself in danger but also us." I begged her a lot and finally she changed her mind. But my father already understood the tense atmosphere at home and kept asking what was going on. So I made a deal with my mother : We told him a fabrication lie about one of my girl classmates and my mother acted like "an overprotective mother", and I acted like "a stupid girl who believes to everyone so quickly". We said "my girl classmate wanted to meet me at a very suspicious place, and my mother was damn right to not allow me to go." We never mentioned that there is a man or love in this story. My father didn't believe at first, but my mother and I kept pretending and eventually "case closed" on the very same night. I also had to deal with my school problems. Today, I went to my school and I "learned" that I would be dismissed from the school, because I could not complete my classes on time. I thought I still had a year to finish my school, but it wasn't. Problem is about my lessons, not about my thesis, actually. If I had completed all my courses in 2 years and had to submit only my thesis, I would have had 1 additional year. But I could not complete my courses and my thesis in 2 years. And because of my failed courses, they won't give that additional 1 year to me. So I had to first deregister at the school and then re-register. And it means we have to pay extra "money". Actually, I've asked my school-advisor about this topic before. But maybe I didn't ask correctly, or maybe he misunderstood me... Somehow, here is the situation. I can't do anything to fix it. I came home, trying not to throw myself in front of passing cars... Because, only 4 days ago, my mother literally told me these very sentences : "This is the second and the very last chance I'm giving to you. There won't be a next chance. So make up your mind and don't do other stupid things anymore." -- Additionally, that first chance was my first relationship in the university and she said for years that I'm so lucky for she didn't kick me out of the house. -- [I have to describe my relationship with my mother right now: It always scared me that she was so tough and angry. She had literally minimal tolerance for me, because of the problems she had with his own family and my father. I remember very-well, I was a primary school girl and my mom told me about her marital problems and wanted me to "understand" her and not tire her. She always said that, I was the only reason she was still married, and it always made me feel on edge. I had no right to make mistakes, I just had to be grateful for the opportunities my parents gave me, go to school and get a job.] Anyway. Luckily I was alone at home and had the opportunity to think about the situation. Unlike other days, today my dad came home first and I explained my school problems to him in my mother's absence. I wanted his help. I suggested keeping it a secret, but firstly we had to create "a believable lie". Thus, for the first time in my life, I shared a problem with my father. Surprisingly, he didn't react like my mother had told me for years. He didn't hit me. He didn't shout. He was even not angry. He did not humiliate -or- insult me. All I saw was disappointment, though he didn't say that, but I could tell it by the tone of his voice. He just listened to me with patience and offered me a way out when I finished my speech. I told the first part of the lie we prepared tonight, everything went well so far. I hope my mom will believe me when I say the other part and I can get away with it without she messing with it anymore. [By the way, I'm not as bad as you probably think... I feel so ashamed and regretful in my deep. I will never ever lie to both of them anymore, because all of this process is so painful and all I can feel is remorse, guilt and fear.] Now my question is... If I can get through this situation before my lie is exposed, should I tell both of them what they don't know after it's all over? Should I explain everything in the end? Or is it best to be dishonest and stay in the shadows for a lifetime? Or do you have any other ideas? Please feel free to share your thoughts with me, it would be really appreciated, because I need all different viewpoints in my situation. Thank you for your precious time. I hope you never have to lie to your parents because it really feels so guilty, especially when your last activity before sleeping is give them a good-night kiss
  6. My boyfriend's mother died very suddenly and unexpectedly 5 months ago, leaving him an orphan at age 36. His mother had raised him by herself and his father had remarried but died just a few years ago. His stepmother and half-siblings stopped talking to him after his father died, so it was as if he suddenly had no family left at all. When his mother died, I was the first and only person he turned to, and I held him all night and listened to him talk. He had to fly to another state to take care of arrangements and I offered to go with him. He tried to book a flight for me but nothing was available, so he asked me to come in the future to help him pack up his mother's house and be at his side at the memorial service instead. I tried to be as supportive as possible over the phone while he was away. We were in frequent touch and he told me everything about what he was feeling and going through. But when he came home 10 days later, he was very distant and strange. He seemed confused and said he didn't know what he wanted. He abruptly said he needed to take a break from our relationship and asked me to leave his apartment. He said I had been the most wonderful and sweetest girlfriend and that he loved me but that he just couldn't be in a relationship with anyone during this time. But he also kept saying that he didn't want to make a rash decision and to give it some time. I knew I had to set my feelings aside and allow him whatever he needed, even though I was devastated. I tried to give him space but also still be there for him, so I'd occasionally (every couple of weeks or so) send a short and kind email or text message. I did speak to him by phone for about an hour a few weeks later and he told me that he felt like a basket case and couldn't sleep. I tried to go help him with his mother's house but he turned me back home after our flight landed. Finally, 2 months later, he sent me a very terse and cold email that simply said there was not a possibility of us getting back together and that he felt there needed to be considerable time and distance before we ever talked again. No explanation or any words of kindness whatsoever. He sounded so different from the person I once knew. I'm having trouble accepting that this could really be the end. I keep wondering if there was anything I could've done to prevent or save this - whether I wasn't there for him enough in the beginning, if I gave him too much space or not enough, if it was a terrible mistake to get on that flight to try to help him, etc. Everyone tells me that doing that was an amazing selfless act of love on my part and wasn't inappropriate, but it seems like he was upset and disturbed by my gesture, perhaps due to his mental state while grieving. I only had the best of intentions and it doesn't seem like it should be a reason to push someone you care about entirely away and just completely refuse to talk. It was as if I had wronged him deeply but I don't know what I did that was wrong. Over the months I've read so much about grief and tried to understand what he is going through, but I still can't understand how his feelings could have changed so drastically when we had a great relationship before and he always seemed so deeply in love and sure of our relationship. I know he had to deal with a harrowing and traumatic experience, but why would he turn away from my support and cut me out of his life without explanation when he can still treat everyone else in his life as normal? How can he not miss the life that we had together? We were in a serious relationship and the love we felt for each other should mean something and not just evaporate into thin air. Can anyone help me with insight as to why he might have done this and whether it's likely he'll ever come around with time?
  7. Whenever my teenage sons play Grand Theft Auto, I get depressed and make them turn off the sound. I had been separated from my husband for about 3 weeks, and the children and I had been in our new rental home for less than a week. I had the weight of the lives and futures of our four small children on my shoulders. The phone rang; it was my mom. She told me that a little while before, a plane had crashed into one of the twin towers in NYC, and the building was burning. No one understood how a huge plane like that, full of passengers, had gotten into the wrong airspace. While we were on the phone, she said, "Oh no, another plane has just crashed into the other tower!" While we were crying, and trying to sort out these horrors, she said the news was reporting that a plane had just hit the Pentagon, which is about 10 miles from my home. She said there was a fourth plane missing. The authorities were afraid it was headed for the White House or Congress. After we learned the whole story, each subsequent detail unfolding as we spoke, I said, "You are kidding, right?" She said, "I wish I were. I am so sorry, honey." Incomprehensible. So much carnage, so much hatred, so much loss. The rest of the day, there was no sound anywhere in the entire region. No airplanes, no helicopters, no traffic, no music. The only sound, relentless all day and the next two or three days, was of sirens. Everywhere, sirens. Never a break from the sirens. I cannot tolerate more than 2 minutes of Grand Theft Auto, or my heart is dragged defenselessly to that clear September day.
  8. TUG O' WAR And so the reaper and I, we're in a showdown. Each of us standing on one side of my mother, And for every pull and tug his Deathness gives her I am there to pull her back and tell him NO! NOT TODAY. Yes, she will need to move on and I understand that. But whatever force of nature carried her through life Unscathed through so many things that would kill the rest of us Is still there living within me, burning like a flame I can't put out. I'm tired, she's tired, and then we see the look on Death's face, And we burst out laughing and vow to give the old bag of bones a run for his money. It's a stupid tug of war, but it's our tug of war, and we've never been women who behaved.
  9. I have had this idea for a while now... These two characters are pretty well developed in my head. This is kind of a prolog to later events. They will meet again. And, this is only a first draft, written tonight in all of an hour. Enjoy. (And if you don't enjoy, feel free to rip me apart. I love a good critique. ***** "So I'll see you in two weeks, Kimberly." Dr. Shmidt smiled at the adolescent girl, seated accross from him in the small office. She was a thin girl with chin length hair dyed blue-black. She wore all black clothing and black Converse tennis shoes. "Yea." Kimberly said softly. "I'll need to talk to your mother for a few minutes before you go." "Ok." she answered, smiling back at him. Her mother was outside the door waiting to go in. Kimberly passed without speaking, on her way to the waiting room. The waiting room appeared empty as she exited the long hallway. The receptionist had gone home and an eerie quiet had settled in the office. The she noticed a dark clad man, seated in the corner. He wore black jeans and a black hooded sweatshirt. The hood was pulled up, slightly concealing his face, but long blond hair spilled from beneath it like a golden waterfall. She could not see his eyes but wondered for a second if he was asleep. He sat so perfectly still, his head tilted down. One of Kimberly's favorite things to do was make up stories. She was told she had a vivd imagination by, well, everyone. She didn't see anything wrong with it, but others did. In the past when she was waiting a long time to see Dr. Shmidt, she would alleviate her boredom by making up stories about the people in the waiting room. There was the grown wmoan she saw once, who was morbidly obese, with her hair in ratty pigtails, carrying a cabbage patch doll. Kimberly decided she must have killed her husband, but got off on an insanity plea and now thought she was a child. And then there was the man who sat in the office quietly rocking back and forth and holding back his tears. She imagined his wife just left him for another man and he was crushed. But, most people in this office seed normal enough. Se wondered if anyone sitting there ever made up stories about her while she sat waiting. But this man seemed different. It would be hard coming up with a story for him. She kept her eyes on him and she made her way to a seat, watching for some sign of life. She sat accross from him. As she sat, he lifted his head slightly, and for a split second their eyes met. She almost was startled by the site of his face. His eyes were so strikingly blue, framed by an angelic, handsome face. She stepped back and stared for a second or two, then felt a wave of embarrassment wash over her. Now that he had seen her she felt like she had to speak. Impulsively she blurted out, "Your hair's really long. Mine used to be that long but my Mom made me get it cut." He looked at her inquisitively, "That stinks." His voice was deep, but his way of speech was odd and foreign. "You talk funny." she said quickly, and then put her hand up to her mouth. What was she thinking? "Yes." he said softly, "I am from another country. I didn't grow up speaking English." "Where did you grow up?" "accross the ocean." "You're really handsome. Does everyone accross the ocean look like you?" Now it seemed he was the embarrassed one. He laughed softly and looked away. "I'm always afraid of coming here because I'm afraid of being locked up in a home." "I wouldn't worry about that, " he said, leaning forward a little, "They only lock people up who are dangerous." "My Mom and my teachers say I have an attitude problem." "Well I don't see one." He said, giving her the slightest hint at a smile. She smiled back, flattered and mildly swooning. "Kimberly!" Her mother"s voice shot off like a canon. She jumped up from the chair. "Let's go." She turned around and waved while walking away. "I told you to never talk to anyone in this office didn't I? Why can't you listen?" She hung her head and her face flushed red. She knew the man could hear her mother. She turned around one more time to see him walking toward Dr. Shmidt in the doorway. As they walked out the door she knew she would probably never see this stranger again. She sat in the passenger side of her mother's car, watching trees and buildings go by. Suddenly her mother's voice broke the silence, "Kimberly, I don't want you talking to anyone in that office from now on. Some of the people Doctor Schmidt sees are nuts. Now I'm not going to tell you again." "But he was nice." she pleaded. "How do you know he wasn't a pedophile?" "I..." she trailed off, searching for words. "See. You don't know. He could have kidnapped you and molested you Kim." "Don't call me Kim. I don't like being called Kim." "I birthed you. I'll call you what I want." She reached accross the seat and patted Kimberly's dyed black hair. "We're going to wash all this color out of your hair this weekend." Kimberly liked her black hair. Though her mother was furious when she dyed it. "Twelve is too young to dye your hair. When you're 16 you do what you want with it. You can shave your head for all I care. But now you'll follow my rules." Kimberly nodded slowly. Frustration building deep within her. "And no more talking to people in the shrink's office." She waited a few seconds and then asked the question she had been dying to ask, "Am I nuts?" Her mother turned her head sharply, with a look in her eyes that could have been surprise or anger, "Why would you think that?" "Because I see a shrink. And you even said the people Dr. Shmidt sees are nuts." Her mother took a deep breath, "You're not nuts. You're different. You just need a little help." She turned her head to look back out the window, tears forming in her eyes. Her thoughts drifted back to the stranger in the office. She wondered why he was there. Was he nuts too?
  10. Here's a story that I've gotta let out, A boy and a girl is what this story's about. It started in the summer of 2006 Her first real boyfriend decided to hit it and dip She felt used and abused and wanted him back So she changed who she was to pick up the slack Upon recognising the New person she became She realized she could do better in the relationship game. And so came the boy whom she began to love They'd sneak off at night and watch the sky up above It turned into a ritual, that summer of 06 They'd walk into the night and end it off with a kiss. Summer came to an end but they kept their bond They then became intimate and grew more fond of each other And then a few months came and gone, The girl was quite mean Which made it less fun He did everything for her but she blew him off She thought she was better since he was too soft. About a year later, Christmas of 2007, She realized she needed to change and made a New year's resolution. "I'm gonna start treating him better" is what she told herself His resolution was to stop letting her damage his health And so they switched roles, she was nice and he was mean She figured she deserved it considering she used to play on that team So she put up with her majesty time and time again He would blow her off and instead choose other girls to befriend. That summer of 07, he had people at his mom's place Upon these people was this girl with a pretty face He kept his eyes and attention on her the whole time Forgetting his girlfriend was there watching him check this dime. And that's when their relationship went down the hill They would break up and make up, the usual drill. This happened for another year until they finally had enough They agreed to move forward and keep the past buried in the dust. Now here's the interesting turn that happened between the two, New year's eve 2008, they we're stuck to each other like glue They were wasted, woke up naked, all of which was a blur. The deed had been done, although none could recall what occurred. Then came Valentine's day and all was relatively good He lit candles, they watched movies and cuddled as close as they could Soon after his friends took over and changed their whole streak Upset, she informed him of her missed period and began to weap The girl took a pregnancy test and she held her breath... "If I'm pregnant I better be prepared for death." So there she was, peeing on a stick in front of her sisters As soon as she was done they grabbed it and started to whisper. For some odd reason she felt a strong warm sensation. Bubbles started to fill her chest and she waited to hear a confirmation. Her sisters started to cry and gave her a warm embrace They said "congratulations, sis." And smacked her a kiss on the face. Her heart began to melt and she felt her whole world flip 180 She told her sisters not to tell anyone that she was having a baby Immediately she told the boy and he began to freak out He told her to get an abortion or he would leave without a doubt "You're ruining my life, I hate you." He continually said Her heart was torn in two, she wished she would just end up dead. The man whom she loved threatened to leave if she didn't abort And all she aimed for was to get his love, attention and support. The two families conflicted- one was pro, the other not She hated being in the middle, she felt so distraught. Weeks went by and she locked herself in her room She would sing to her tummy and talk to it too She grew so fond of this little tiny thing in her belly She relaxed in her bed, cuddled up watching the tele. She read all these books about how to care for a child Her mind was up, even if it made the boy go wild But soon the girl began feeling lonely and scared To try to ease her pain, she met the boy whom baby she shared He convinced her to make an appointment to get it done She cried and cried the entire time, she wanted to keep her daughter or son The counselor informed her she didn't have to make this decision just yet She felt as though the girl was pressured and doing it would lead to regret So the girl walked out with a big enormous smile The boy asked how it went and she said she needed a little Furious, he stopped the car and kicked her out on her feet During this time it was winter and snow covered the street She felt abandoned, abused, and completely alone She went home, cried and picked up the phone She held her body tight and said "baby, mommy loves you so much, Oh how I wish you'll know, how I long to feel your touch." Just then she felt a flutter on the left side of her belly "Baby, is that you swimming around in there like jelly?" The girl began to cry, a little more subtly now She knew her baby could hear her so tried not to be loud. "I'm sorry little one, but mommy has to let you go... You'll like it where you go, it'll be the best of the best home." The girl kept her hand on the flutter and eventually feel asleep The next day she went in, her only love she will no longer keep. All she remembered was feeling drowsy, depressed and ashamed Everything was a blur, tears fell down her face untamed The boy took her home, put her to bed and went out to drink He left her by herself to celebrate while in bed she weaped Enough was enough and she decided to leave the boy for good He turned her whole world upside down like no other person could She lost all hope and joy, she felt suicidal She wanted to end it all, not just for a little while Seeing her child was the only thing she could ever think of She looked to the sky and wondered if she was staring from up above "Baby, mommy made the worst decision she's ever made, If I could be with you My entire life would be saved. Mommy doesn't know what to do and daddy keeps asking for her back, Baby give me the strength to start over, find a new path." And so months went by and the days were getting easier to bare Until one day the boy showed up- he just happened to be right there He told her he was sorry and he would never do that again He told her he loved her and that he would help her poor heart mend The poor, poor girl needed love so she embraced his offering She thought things would be different, he would help to stop her suffering Things would go great and out of nowhere he would fall Back into his old ways like she didn't exist at all They both went to a party and the boy was completely drunk The girl ended up taking care of him and woke up feeling punked You see, the girl put the boy to sleep on the sofa She even tucked him in and asked him to move over But he denied her so she went to sleep on the love seat instead When she woke up, boy, how badly she wished she was dead She seen the boy and a girl cuddling up beside each other They were both naked, asleep and under the covers The girl next to the boy was the same dime the boy crushed on Years earlier when they were all at his mom's having fun The two woke up and the girl had the nerve to ask her if She had seen her pants The boy tried to cuddle beside her, pretending like he had a chance The funny thing is the two girls were actually friends But after that incident their relationship would never mend. The boy repeatedly told the girl nothing happened and they were both drunk He said he thought the dime was his ex- what else would he have thunk He said she crawled up beside him and she looked like his chick So he put his arms around her and went to sleep. She felt so sick. The girl wanted nothing to do with the boy after that day But like the idiot she is, She took him back to everyone's dismay Like a routine, this vicious circle kept on repeating Years went by and still they both denied ever leaving Things were going okay, for awhile things seemed top notch The boy would work early, go home, shower, cook and fall asleep on the dot Every night, 630pm, is what he told her each morning, first thing She believed him and felt proud that he was so hard-working Until one day her friend called, and she heard the ugly truth again "Baby, I have to tell you, you're man's been hitting on my friend. When we mention you, he changes the subject and asks about her She'll tell him to stop- he's being unfair to his girl." So the girl and this friend whom the boy attempted to pursue Met up for some drinks to confirm what was true Confrontation arose and the girl decided to up and move away Better her life and to finally decide its not worth it to stay Back to school she went and did far better than she ever imagined She came back the next summer and managed to stir up past sins She got back together with the boy and they made love once again They did it without protection even when the girl recalled the time back then He said he didn't care and if they had a baby he would be there He wouldn't do that again, it just wouldn't be fair She protested and protested and then the deed was done Two months later she felt the side effects and wish she could run She took the test and kept it a secret from everyone she loved Except for the man and her God up above She knew she wouldn't be accepted if she came back pregnant She was doing so well and it would ruin the whole arrangement. The boy made it clear that he would be there but he would rather she did the deed "It would be better in the end, So You could finish school and succeed." So she booked another appointment and off to the clinic she went This time her emotions were drained- She couldn't even vent She went on late night walks to spend some time with her little bun She slept at the park and told the baby of nature and the kids at the park having fun She explained in detail the things get baby could not see She wished he could in time, but again she wouldn't plea She cried in pain and she could feel her heart tearing up inside She wished she ended her life So she wouldn't have life drain her pride Even more than that she wished she could take her baby's place She wished it was her who would stare death in the face She went through the procedure and her boyfriend supplied the drugs Alcohol and cocaine, She did it until she was completely numb After all, She was a murderer. She let her baby's die It was her choice to make, it was hers, not the guy's. She felt horrible and insane and wished she had an endless supply of drugs She thought of using her body for the benefit of thugs A few days later she left town to go back to school She became more depressed and felt like such a fool The boy was once again out of her life and she was alone She looked up the best method to commit suicide and picked up the phone She called numerous centers to try to get help But none understood her pain and her tears flew off the shelf She called the boy and he didn't know what to do He didn't even want to talk or listen to why she was so blue Finally she sought after advice from her teacher After he told her he was worried that he couldn't reach her Her teacher referred her to a place that he thought could ease her pain Which it did for awhile, but her main guidance was God. He made her sane. She started to feel better and worked hard at school Then she was ready to come home- after all she had been doing so good A few months went by and she was content with not seeing her ex But that soon changed after he fed her "I love you" texts She began seeing him and they would go for lunches and dinners They both agreed to be friends and see how things unwithered This was a horrible decision because he kept insisting on having her back "I wanna be your man, I wanna get it back on track." They would fool around and feelings came sprinting around the corner at full charge She fell back in love, and they made plans to work on living life large "We'll get a house and all support you while your in school All I want is to be with you and prove I'm no longer a tool" He sent her pictures of the place he was aiming to buy And told her they'd spend the day together, but instead hung with the guys She was upset, curious and confused altogether He called her and said he booked a romantic trip to make her feel better But she couldn't go, she needed him to prove he was being serious, So she asked him to talk to her parents and he grew absolutely nervous. At first he agreed as long as she initiated contact He didn't wanna sneak around even if her parents hated him for all the facts So although she was hesitant, she told her parents the truth Her mom said "fine, but he needs to talk to your father too." And so she told him what happened and he refused to do it. He said he was confused, hated them too, and caused a fit He said he'd always love her and she'd always have his heart But he was not happy and they needed to be apart She fell for him, even after she knew she shouldn't She told her parents and now she totally blew it She felt like an idiot and started feeling suicidal Everything she did, she was still sent to the dump, collecting in a large pile Unwanted and rejected she considered her whole life All she wanted was for him to one day make her his wife She felt like she threw her life away to make him happy But it was never enough and this made her feel real crappy He comes and goes when he pleases not knowing how much it hurts her She sits on the couch while her sight is nothing but a blur As tears run down her face, she sits there writing a poem about a boy She feels nothing but used and thrown it like a used, useless toy...
  11. You have to see the world through rainbow colored glasses, My mother once said to me, Because if you don’t, the world is plain, But with them on you see… The colors in the sky, instead of just the blue, The rainbows in the clouds, shining there for you, But pay attention now, cause this is also true… It’s possible to see, the colors of LOVE too... What is love? I asked my mom, Oh honey I hope you see, Love is everything around you, Starting with you and me. Love can be your kitty curled up at your feet, Love can be your teddy bear, you even named him Pete. But love is also Mom and Dad, brothers and sisters too, It can also be Mom and Mom, or Dad and Dad, it’s true. You see, like a rainbow, the colors blend, There aren’t any clear lines, So no matter where you fall on the curve, Honey, that’s just fine. Imagine a world of black and white, Where love was not so free, I want to be able to love you, I want you to be able to love me. Take a look through rainbow colored glasses, There’s more than what you see, Because Love is still Love, Whether them, you, or me.
  12. Do you awaken with a smile yet fall asleep in tears? Or is it just indifference towards that which isn't clear? Can you sing redundant lullabies without knowing what they mean? Are your dreams just gifted mysteries showing you all that I've seen? If green is truly yours does blue belong to me? Do you represent the earth while I hold favor with the sea? And when you begin to tremble does it comfort you that I'm near? Does your tectonic disregard for us spawn from truths of which you fear? With time being our sacred father does he have to keep a wife? Didn't I hear them call you mother while you rid yourself of life? If the sun no longer shines for us is everything a blur? You told me it's a new day but how are you so sure? How could you be so bold? You're growing far too old How could you be so bold? You're growing far too old
  13. Author's Note Stephen King, Cervantes, Dan Brown , Shakespeare, Dr. Freud. None of them has contributed entirely or partially to this work. PREFACE To me, for having endure all those unwanted and unnecessary headaches. PROLOGUE Monthly female menstruation…I want one of those! With all its discomfort and moods swing. Who cares! I just want one of those. Simple. I heard some women got terrible pains, lots of tummy cramps and so on. Still, I want one of those. I bet its gotta be less painful than reading on the Dating Forum how your 100K salary or your new Lamborghini is gonna miraculously solve your dating life and improve your knowledge about the Venus inhabitants. It is sad but could you possible blame them for such idiotic thoughts ? Society hasn’t been this shallow in our entire human history. And times haven't been this fast since the light speed. I want a girlfriend but not now…yesterday! To succeed in today's dating scene one must think back on his mother and on the times she was working at home : multitasking. Otherwise how could you possibly talk to a woman in a bar while sipping your drink, replying to your whatsapp message along with checking your facebook and replying to your email ? Indeed, mothers are one of a kind. The Queens of the multitasking. But our male brains are wired in a way that we panic once presented with the challenge to execute two jobs at the same time. I have tried this at home several times with no success. Cooking always ends up with the fire brigade at my front door. And yes, the world is gone mad. Men behave like women and women keep wondering where all the real men are. The few male survivors got left with nothing more than astonishment and bewildered about what to do next. It's all very confusing. We need to reset ourselves to our primary instincts and to regain our male traits that once earned us the respect not only among each other but also from the female population. I was thinking about a monthly reset, like a constant reminder, something like you can't avoid even if you wanted to. Like when you were a kid and your mother took you by the ear to make sure you got to school…and on time. I keep thinking and thinking…and the more I think about it the more convinced I am that I want one of those : monthly menstruation. CHAPTER ONE : THE USUAL SUSPECT He is loud, got no manners and on the look for any iHole moving around. Given the chance, this guy will sexually assault the Teletubbies. A successful life means to him having had sex once in his life with the promise for more. His usual "working-place" is the crowded bar or pub located on the corner of any given city. And yet, this is my favorite candidate, the one to excel beyond imagination. Sooner rather than later, he will hit rock bottom to find himself lying down on the sofa of a depressed psychologist who promised him to rediscover and find himself in some kind of third dimension beyond the Solar System. After some bucks and disgusted by the office smell, he will decide to take a grip of himself and do what smart and conscious people do at their lowest point : hit the brakes and let that airbag punch you in the face. This is his reset time. His friends get worried because he is not being the usual moron of the group. Clowns are quite noticed. His mother thinks he has been possessed by the devil. Granny writes to the Pope. But our usual suspect has been handed over the key to the matrix and Neo doesn’t rule there. His brain is recollecting all useful information and reliving the shameful moments. Adjustment is taking place and realizations are being accepted. Our man is ready to hit the dating scene. CHAPTER TWO : YOUR DATING EQUIPMENT …coming soon.
  14. This is a poem i wrote to a girl i was with recently. I had noted all the little things she did and what i saw in her and tried hard to put them in a rhyme. It should be called..."this girl i know". I know this girl, with long blonde hair, she twirls it on her finger, as she sits in her chair, reading a book, or on her laptop, whateva the pose, this girl is hot, I know this girl, so gentle and kind, with a beautiful smile and an intelligent mind, I know this girl, so cute, so funny, as sweet as sugar, covered in honey, I know this girl, and shes a mum, you wouldnt believe, how great shes done, her kids are wonderful, happy and bright, a sure sign, they have been brought up right, I know this girl, she fills my mind, shes taken me almost 15 years to find, I know this girl, and she's got style but how can she not, with that gorgeous smile, I know this girl, i want to take to dinner, so from accross the table, i can watch her eyes shimmer, to take in her beauty, and stare like a dork, not paying attention, and miss my mouth with the fork, I know this girl, and people say " she suits ya" and i say " i know, i see her in my future", I know this girl, so soft like a breeze, stroking the branches and caressing the leaves, I know this girl, but does she know me, I guess in time, we will soon see, Because i know this girl, deserves the best, and i am definatelty not, like all the rest, I know this girl, for who i love and care, when she's down, i want to be there, I know this girl, who i always miss, I know this girl, i want to kiss, I know this girl, and you know her too, This girl i know.......baby it's you.
  15. Written in Def Poetry Style... Hey yo, I thought I forgave, I thought I was free These things from my past just won't seem to leave I cry out to God, I'm beggin him please These things from my youth just won't seem to leave Why didn't I just do it Suicide my option, but I couldn't go through with it. And I'm still cryin out hoping one day I change Hoping one day God rids me of this heart ache and pain Molested twelve years.... Equals a life of fear and a whole lot of tears. But I'm not crying now least not in defeat gave my life to Jesus Now I bow at his feet But it ain't finished yet I strayed off the path the devil had set He had a plan for me it ended six feet below But it started in a good or a "Functional home" Mom and dad were working while my brother raised us kids No one ever thought to think of what the problem is... I'm cryin when you leave, I'm cryin when you come home Still no one seemed to listen in our so called "Perfect home" Until police came to our door and opened up your eyes Now for once we finally see behind the dark desguise A life of lies to hide behind, A life of secret sins A man a child in our home, when did this begin? Did you know the pain you'd cause, brotha did you think? Did you know how mom would cry how often dad would drink? Did you know you'd leave that child lost hurt and confused? And everything we've ever known in one day we'd lose Did you know the drugs I'd use just to numb my pain? And how many times I'd come so close to a bullet in my brain? Did you know the choice you made would bring me to know Christ? And what the Devil meant for wrong would give eternal life? That's life it's just not perfect Some times I wonder if it'll ever be worth it?
  16. How would it sound if you were a poem? Wouldn't it start with "You Are Home"? How would it look if you were art? A beautiful Goddess with a heavenly heart? If you were a song, could you be sung? Only angels could sing you in their mother tongue. If you were a place, would you be a beach? An ocean? A planet? Are you within reach? If you were my star, how bright would you shine? Would you twinkle for me? Make the planets align? If you were a grape ripening on a vine, Could I taste your flesh? Could I drink of your wine? If I could kiss you, what would I taste? Would all other flavors be slowly erased? If I could touch you, what would I feel? Something celestial? Something surreal? If I could have you, what would I do? I'd give you myself and always be true.
  17. This is my first post on here. I can honestly say I don't want to be here anymore. Im 18 and my life doesn't seem to get better. My life gets worse daily. I have friends but because of prior things that happened in my life I feel I can't trust anyone. I have so much inside of me but don't trust anyone to talk to. I have no emitions because of being hurt in the past/present. I put up a wall and let no one in. I hate college. My parents might even being taking me out of college and I don't know why. My dad is cheating on my mom and my whole family knows about this. My mom cheated on my dad with my sisters, friends, dad. I can't talk to my parents cause I feel I can't trust them. I hate being home in my house. I get angry and the littlest things and I can't stand it anymore. Why go through all of this? Doesn't seem worth it to me... p.s. Sorry for any spelling/grammer mistakes. Don't feeling like proof reading right now.
  18. I've had bad luck before but recently I crashed my car and a chain of bad luck started to happen. Many times I would hurt myself some how or do something wrong or get picked for something that would hurt me. I just realized that now so I can't remember much of what has happened to be but I've been depressed for over 2 months. I swear to god everything works against me, even god. I crashed my car nearly 2 months ago and after a week my brother got one of his friends to fix it real cheap ($1100). Good luck? no. One month later he returned the car but it was sent back because he forgot to fix the the back door (up to $2100). 3-4 days ago my mom was suppose to pick up the car while I was at work. I came home to more bad news. The car now has some sort of wheel problem --> back to the shop. sigh...when will I drive again. I swear to god no one ever pay back money they borrow from my. Every time I make lemonade I would find that I have a cut on my squeezing finger. god that's painful. Not to mention the gene pool I came from. Anyone know if a lucky charm would help? I can't decide from a Yarobi Luck Ring Lucky 7 Amulet or a Lady Luck Amulet
  19. Hi, I am here because, I want to know how to overcome my dilemma of commiting suicide. I have had a hellish life, everday from, 1 to 24, I have seen hell. However it is not the hell, that is driving me to suicide. It is the absolute lack of purpose in life. No matter what I do, I just can't fill this emptiness inside me. I have tried everything, socializing, pursuing interests, academia, relationships, activities. Yet, no matter what I do, I am always feeling empty, chasing winds, running like a gerbil on a wheel, getting nowhere - a state that is not either living, or dead, somewhere in between. Absolutely nothing to drive me. It's painful to continue to live like this. For 2 years, I have gone into isolation, living with my single mother, I have not even stepped out of the house. I have become quite a burden on her, and she on me. I have told her, how much pain I am enduring by living, but she emotionally blackmails me, telling me, how much I will hurt her, if I commited suicide, how selfish I will be, and how she will do the same, If I do. She says she understands my pain, but whenever I discuss suicide, she lashes out at me instantly, and it's always the same selfish desire, "Don't hurt me, you hurt me when you say that" I have stopped discussing this issue with her, and this has given her some false sense of security, that as long as I'm not talking about it, everything is ok. It's not OK; it never was. The fact, that im confined in the 4 walls of my room, and that I am doing nothing, and that I am hurt is irrelavant to her. You know the extent, of how much she does not understand me? She brings food to me every few hours, sometimes fruit, sometimes dinner, sometimes take-away, and I tell her, I feel insulted, that she's doing this. Yet, she does it anyway, even when I repeat my words to her everytime. She's actually physically rendered me inert, as she mothers me, nutures me, that I cannot even amass the energy to do anything anymore. She is content in doing this, and continuing this, feeding me, keeping my alive, assuring herself, "I am ok" and playing on the role of mother for an indefinite period of time, when she cannot understand how it's actually hurting me, bruising my self-worth and ego, and making it much harder for me to end my life. She has even got me psychiatric help, and she naively believes, they are going to cure me. When there is nothing wrong with my mental health, something even they testify too. It is just my philosophy of life, that is not compatible with me leading a successfull life. Whenever I arise the will to kill myself, I am faced with the dilemma of my mother. Yet, if I live, im living, only to keep her content, but for myself, all I have to endure is pain, sustained pain, for the rest of my life. Then there is another part of me, that actually wants to live, and find meaning in life. I have researched extensively, into science, religion, consciousness, reincarnation, soul, to find the purpose in life. Yet, it has only further proved there is none. In fact, our very existence is just an illusion in an infinite space time continum, that consists of infinite realities and infinite parallel realities. I wish there was a switch, I could just flick, and cease to exist. It's just not that easy. I need to make an effort to commit suicide, and I just can't make that effort. Is there something I can do, that will just end me, instantly. I thought about jumping of a high-rise building, but I do not have the impetus to make myself do that. I want something that will put me to sleep, and from which I will never wake up again. I don't want to feel physical pain. I have endured pain all my life, and I don't want to willingly become a center of pain. I know I have to come terms with death, as it is a certain event in life, and it's easier when death comes to you, but I can't wait that long - I want to go to death myself. Yet making this choice is not easy for me, and I don't know how much longer I can take this. Please offer me advice.
  20. Some amazing photos here while at the same time it's scary what mother nature can bring. I feel bad for the people that lost their homes; as the area is not considered a flood zone, many didn't have flood insurance. link removed
  21. please someone help me. its very hard to explain and im 16 years old, i feel that im in love, and when your in love you just cant let go... ive been going out with this kid for 9 months...and we always talked he told me everything and we where just so great together, i hung with his bro, his mom, dad...he came over my house went to the mall with my sister, it was just great, he told me he loved me before and after sex and everything... seriously...it was great and the last past weeks hes been like avioding me and i new what was up...he said he wanted to see other people and i said ok thats cool. than i found out hes already been talking to other people, than he goes iwth my 2 friends the next day...out to the mall, nobody informs me...than i ignore him and i call him a week later like whats up u know? and hes like whats up i missed u jess i made a mistake and i like u and jess (my best friend) and i donno what to do... i though of u all night weither or not i should have dumped u in the first place... could u come out with me tomorrow and we can chill... i said sure and than the next day came and my mom said dont go jess just wait awhile make him wait...so i did and he said u know what im going out than... i said ok ttyl tonight... and than i got on and said hi and he just kept avioding me again than my best FRIEND said I GO WITH UR MAN... and i said wdf DO U (to my boyfriend) he kept saying no no no i dont and than i said...im sick of your lies...yes or no ...he said YES yes i do...and i said but u wanted to do something with me today...and he said No i enver said shit to you quit making up stories... what the hell is that? someone please i am in love with him ...its been 3 weeks and we havnt talked at aLL and the girls on vacation tillt he 8th...so 5 more days... should i wait...or move on...and u know what... iwot move on...cuz i wanna be with him and only him...help me soemone please.... and im not gonna forgive my friends...well the people i though was my friends...and im not calling him back... is there any guys out there... will he ever call me back? please...help me...im driving myself crazy... and its crazy cuz my dasd dying from hepititus... and my dogs dying...my moms going crazy... and its like...god could he put this on me at a better time? and like when hes ont he internet hes always depressed like "NOT HERE" n stuff... i dont know man...please! PLEASE someone please!
  22. You GOTTTAAA BEEEE KIDDINGGG MEEEE! My father gave me his old cell phone and i have been using it for the past 2 months now... out of the BLUE before my father and mother are leaving to go on vacation i get a txt. msg from a FAMILY FRIEND!!!!! NO i didnt misinterpret it!! it said "i can't take it that ur no lnger spking to me" "didnt i mean anything 2u?" "i nd 2 see u agn" At first i was about to call back and scream.. or drive to her and punch her in the face. How dare she???? SHE WAS EATING DINNER AT MY PARENTS HOUSE NOT MORE THAN 2 MONTHS AGO? I txtd her back and pretended i was my Dad. i said "well how long has it been now since we've been 2gther anyway 4u 2b so upset?" the *** responded "oh God, im srprsed u responded" "we hvnt spoke 4 months" "u alwys ignore me and it hrts to much" "i dont want people 2 suspect, its scandalous" (yes.. she used the words scandalous.. ) I didnt txt back and i cried and cried. Guys.. my mom and my dad.. are like.. the happiest couple everyone's ever saw. he always takes her on dates.. buys her things.. hell i HEAR THEM HAVING SEX ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they just left to go on a 2 week VACATION together CELEBRATING THEYRE 25TH ANNIVERSARY!!!!! i want to drive to this womans house NOW and BEAT THE EVER LIVING SNOT OUT OF HER!!!! SHE COMES TO THE FAMILY PARTIES.. SHE PLAYS WITH MY CHILDREN!!!!!!!! SHE SITS AT THE SAME TABLE WITH MY OWN MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DONT KNOW WHETHER TO KILL MY FATHER OR HER!!!!!!!!!!!! Theres NO NO NO NO NO NO way i can tell my mother!!! i CANT!!! Oh My GOD it would kill her!!!!!!! how can i hold this in for 2 weeks till he gets back??? It's already 10:15 now ET in ny.. i know where this woman works.. i swear im going to meet her at her job and confront her... oh WAIT.. she WORKS WITH MY FRKN DAD!!!!! fine.. ill just wait for her at her house. can someone please calm me down before i get arrested
  23. I love my father For he gave me life And I love my mother As he loves his wife For if ever there was evil it surely must be The curse that can run through a family Holding back truth and hiding ones heart Awkward on meeting and empty we part, If never given love you can never give love If you never stop to realise and look to above, So we build up our alibis and they seem to fit In the world which we live in and the way we live it, So who is the man? Who will stand up and say- "I know this evil; For I've lived this pain".
  24. Some lyrics i find inspiring and helpful, I love you Mom. Artist: Puscifer Lyrics: Maynard James Keenan.........TO hear a beautiful version of this song and have some great context in reading it check this out... Wake up son o' mine, Momma got somethin' to tell you.... Changes come, life will have its way, with your pride son...... Take it like a man Suck it up son of mine, storm is on your horizon, changes come, keep your dignity, take the high road.... take it like a man Listen up son o' mine, momma got something to tell you, all of our growing pains, Life will pound away where the light dont shine son, take it like a man Suck it up son of mine, storm is on your horizon, changes come, keep your dignity , take the road..... take it like a man Momma sed like the rain, like a kidney stone, its just a broken heart, son this pain will pass away, this too shall pass away, this hate shall pass away
  25. Leaving Us With Love As you lay down to a lovely long sleep, Still ever present in our hearts as we weep, Dear little Kitty, looking down from above, We know you are leaving us with love. We shall not soon forget the warmth you spread, Nor those soft cuddles each night as I put you to bed, Dear little Kitty, the memories of you, forever our own, Shall never leave this our humble home. For many years we smiled at that twinkle in your eye, Your soft purrs as you longed for that last piece of pie, How you loved to stretch and play in the yard outside, Now a permanent shrine in which your spirit shall reside. How soon you became part of our family name, A mother, father and a little brother, we were all the same, Blessed we were to just know you were always there, Our little bundle of furry joy, with everlasting fun to share. As we awake tomorrow to a brand new day, We will surely still feel your presence in a very unique way, Dear little Kitty, looking down from above, We know you are leaving us with love.
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