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  1. (I got this idea from another forum I visit frequently, if one like this already exists by all means ignore / delete this one.) OK, it seems a few of us have had a rough time with the darned NC. I had fantasies today of unloading all this anger, longing, and "W-T-F" onto my ex. I am creating this thread as a place for all of us in pain to post instead of contacting Ms/Mr ex. It could actually be kind of fun, at least a release. What would you like to tell him or her? Even if it's been building up for years, post it here! Rage-fest! Longing-fest! DO NOT CONTACT that frigging ex, put it all here!!
  2. Thread continued from here Hello everyone at eNotAlone, I suddenly had a great idea...( scary huh? ) Let's start the SuperDave 71 NO CONTACT CHALLENGE... Here are the rules: 1. When you accept this challenge, post here and your time/date stamp will be recorded for accuracy. 2. No Contact will be initiated for ONE MONTH from the date that you post. This mean NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER...and I mean NONE. (Including going to picture sites and myspace/or like sites) 3. If you work with your ex, you can still accept the challenge. You cannot do ANYTHING to contact your ex UNLESS it is work related ONLY. 4. If you accept this challange, I would like a post everyday on how you are feeling and what you are doing to pass the time. I am hoping by doing this, others will read and try to help themselves is they have a moment of weakness. **Remember** No Contact is for you 5. If you have contact with your ex BY YOUR DOING..YOU MUST POST WHY YOU DID IT AND HOW YOU FEEL RIGHT AFTER. No exceptions. 6. If your ex contacts you, UNLESS IT IS AN EMERGENCY, or there are children involved, you cannot respond. PERIOD. If you do, see rule 5. 7. If an ex comes over or tries to see you physically, this DOES NOT COUNT AGAINST YOU, BUT you MUST POST. 8. After the month of No Contact has past, you must reread all of yoru daily threads and write a conclusion based on what you felt when you started and how you feel 30 days later. 9. When you post daily, please put what day number you are on of the 30 day challenge so that other members can see how you are doing. NEW RULE SuperDave71 has permission to duct tape any breaker of NC to a chair and throw broken twinkies at your head. If ANYONE out there can come up with more rules, PLEASE PM me so I can update them. I will be happy to listen. I would like for this to happen because I want other to read the progression involved in the NO CONTACT process. If you do NOT feel you are up to the challange, ...wait until you are. I wish you all the best....and GOOD LUCK. If you accept my challenge, you will be very surprised at the end result. Your friend, SuperDave71
  3. Understanding the Concept of 'Breakup No Contact' Embarking on a 'breakup no contact' period is a strategic decision many take after a relationship ends. This approach involves deliberately avoiding any form of communication with your ex-partner. It's not just about ignoring calls or texts, but also about creating a physical and emotional space to heal and reflect. This period is often seen as a crucial step in the journey of moving on and rediscovering oneself. The concept is rooted in the understanding that continuous contact post-breakup can often lead to more pain, confusion, and hinder the healing process. It's about giving yourself the time and space to process your emotions, to grieve the loss of the relationship, and to start rebuilding your life without your ex's influence. 'Breakup no contact' also helps in breaking the cycle of dependency that might have developed during the relationship. It can be a powerful tool for gaining clarity, understanding what you truly want, and setting the stage for future relationships that are healthier and more fulfilling. However, this approach isn't without its challenges. It requires a significant amount of self-discipline and emotional strength. The key is to understand that this period is not about punishing your ex or yourself; it's about focusing on your own well-being and personal growth. Key Takeaways: Understanding 'Breakup No Contact': It's a method of completely cutting off communication with an ex to aid healing. Focus on Self: This period is for personal growth, healing, and gaining emotional independence. Challenges Involved: Requires discipline and emotional strength, but focuses on long-term well-being. The Emotional Impact of a Breakup The emotional aftermath of a breakup can be profound and far-reaching. It often triggers a whirlwind of feelings including sadness, anger, confusion, and sometimes relief. This emotional rollercoaster is a natural response to the significant change in one's personal life. The end of a relationship can feel like a loss, not just of the partner but of the shared dreams and plans for the future. Many experience a sense of grief, akin to mourning the loss of a loved one. It's a period marked by questioning self-worth and reevaluating one's life choices. This introspection, although painful, is a crucial step in the healing process. It can lead to personal growth and a better understanding of what one truly seeks in a relationship. Another common experience is the feeling of loneliness. The absence of a person who was once a significant part of daily life can leave a void. This loneliness is often accompanied by an urge to reach out, which can prolong the healing process if not managed properly. It's also important to recognize that everyone's emotional journey post-breakup is unique. Some might bounce back quickly, while others take a longer time to heal. Acknowledging and respecting this emotional process is vital for moving forward in a healthy way. Reasons to Choose 'No Contact' After a Breakup The decision to initiate 'no contact' after a breakup is not just a reactionary step but a strategic one, grounded in several important reasons. First and foremost, it creates the necessary space for emotional healing. By removing the constant reminders of the ex-partner, it allows individuals to process their feelings more effectively. 'No contact' also helps in breaking the cycle of dependency. In many relationships, especially those that were long-term or particularly intense, individuals often become emotionally dependent on their partner. This separation is an opportunity to rediscover one's individuality and independence. Another key reason is to gain perspective. Being in constant touch with an ex can cloud one's judgment and prevent them from seeing the relationship and the breakup objectively. 'No contact' provides the clarity needed to understand what went wrong and how to avoid similar issues in the future. It's also a powerful tool for breaking unhealthy patterns. Whether it's continuous arguing, emotional manipulation, or other toxic behaviors, 'no contact' puts a stop to these cycles, allowing both parties to reflect and grow. Lastly, 'no contact' is often a step towards moving on. It's about looking forward, setting new goals, and opening oneself up to new relationships, without being held back by the past. How 'No Contact' Can Aid in Personal Growth The 'no contact' phase after a breakup isn't just about distancing oneself from an ex-partner; it's a profound opportunity for personal growth. This period can be transformative, allowing individuals to develop a stronger sense of self. Without the influence of a relationship, you're free to explore your own needs, desires, and values in a way that might not have been possible before. One significant aspect of this growth is the development of emotional resilience. Facing the pain of a breakup head-on, without the crutch of your ex's presence, can be incredibly challenging. However, it's through these challenges that one learns to manage emotions more effectively, cultivating a stronger, more resilient self. 'No contact' also allows for self-reflection. It's a time to look back at the relationship objectively, understanding both its strengths and flaws. This reflection can lead to invaluable insights about what you truly want in a partner and what you won't tolerate, guiding future relationship choices. Additionally, this period can be used to invest in personal interests and hobbies that may have been neglected. Reconnecting with these activities can provide a sense of joy and fulfillment that is independent of any romantic relationship. It's also a time for building new relationships, not necessarily romantic, but friendships and networks that can enrich your life and provide support. These new connections can offer fresh perspectives and help in broadening your horizons. Furthermore, 'no contact' can be instrumental in redefining life goals. With the shift in life's circumstances, there's an opportunity to set new objectives, be it career aspirations, personal development goals, or travel plans. Lastly, this period can lead to a renewed sense of independence. Rediscovering how to be comfortable and happy in your own company is a powerful outcome of the 'no contact' phase. It's about understanding that your happiness doesn't hinge on someone else, but comes from within. Navigating the Challenges of 'No Contact' While the 'no contact' rule is beneficial, it is not without its challenges. One of the biggest obstacles is the temptation to reach out. Whether it's out of habit, loneliness, or moments of vulnerability, resisting the urge to communicate can be extremely difficult. Another challenge is dealing with the initial emotional turmoil. The first few days and weeks can be the hardest, filled with intense emotions like sadness, anger, and even regret. Navigating these feelings while maintaining 'no contact' requires a great deal of emotional strength and self-discipline. The silence and space can also lead to overthinking. With more time to yourself, it's easy to fall into the trap of ruminating over the 'what ifs' and 'could haves' of the relationship. Managing these thoughts is crucial for mental health and well-being. Seeing your ex-partner move on, especially in the age of social media, can be another significant challenge. It can evoke feelings of jealousy, inadequacy, or longing. Staying committed to 'no contact' in such scenarios is essential but can be immensely tough. Additionally, mutual friends and shared spaces can complicate the 'no contact' rule. Navigating social situations where your ex might be present requires tact and emotional readiness. For those who shared a life together, like living together or co-parenting, implementing 'no contact' can be logistically and emotionally complex. Finding a balance between necessary communication and emotional distance is key. Lastly, maintaining self-care routines during this period can be challenging but is crucial. Ensuring that you are looking after your physical and mental health is vital for successfully navigating the 'no contact' phase. Setting Boundaries: The Key to Successful 'No Contact' Setting clear boundaries is fundamental in making the 'no contact' rule effective. Boundaries are not just about physical distance; they also encompass emotional and digital boundaries. Clearly defining these limits not only helps in healing but also in maintaining personal integrity and self-respect. Physical boundaries involve avoiding places you know your ex frequents. It's about creating a physical space that's safe and free from unexpected encounters. This might mean altering your routine or finding new places to hang out, which can also be an opportunity to create fresh experiences and memories. Emotional boundaries are about safeguarding your heart and mind. This involves being conscious of your thoughts and feelings, and actively steering them away from your ex. It might mean seeking support from friends, a therapist, or through self-help resources to help manage and process your emotions. Digital boundaries are increasingly important in today's connected world. This means unfollowing or blocking your ex on social media, deleting their number, and refraining from checking up on them online. It's about removing the digital reminders that can trigger emotions and impede the healing process. The Role of Social Media in 'No Contact' Periods Social media plays a significant role in the dynamics of 'no contact' periods. The constant connectivity and access to an ex-partner's life can make maintaining 'no contact' more challenging. Seeing updates from or about your ex can reignite emotions and hinder the healing process. The temptation to 'check up' on an ex can be a major hurdle. It's natural to be curious about what they are doing or who they might be seeing, but this curiosity can be detrimental to your emotional well-being. It's important to resist this urge and focus on your own life and healing. Posting on social media can also be a tricky terrain. There might be a temptation to post content aimed at getting your ex's attention or evoking a reaction. It's vital to resist these impulses and use social media in a way that promotes your own well-being and positivity. Social media can also be a source of support. Engaging with positive communities, following inspirational accounts, or even taking a digital detox can be beneficial during this time. It's about using these platforms in a way that supports your growth and healing. Another aspect is dealing with mutual friends on social media. Navigating these connections requires tact, especially if they post about or with your ex. It might be necessary to mute or unfollow certain accounts to maintain your peace of mind. Last but not least, social media can be a reminder of the need to live in the present. Instead of dwelling on past memories or what your ex is up to, it's an opportunity to create new memories and share your own journey of growth and discovery. Reconnecting with Yourself: Self-Care and Reflection Reconnecting with oneself is a vital aspect of the 'no contact' period. This time provides an opportunity for deep self-reflection and self-care, which are essential for healing and personal growth. It's a chance to get back in touch with your inner self, understand your needs, and rediscover what brings you joy and fulfillment. Self-care is not just about physical well-being; it also encompasses emotional and mental health. This could mean adopting a new fitness routine, eating healthier, or engaging in activities that relax and rejuvenate you, like meditation, yoga, or creative hobbies. Reflection during this period is equally important. It involves looking inward to understand your emotional triggers, your role in the relationship, and what you can learn from the experience. This introspection can be guided through journaling, therapy, or even quiet contemplation. Reconnecting with your passions and interests is another key aspect. Often in relationships, we sideline our hobbies or interests. Now is the perfect time to reengage with these activities, or even explore new ones, to bring back a sense of individuality and joy. Building a support system is also crucial. Surrounding yourself with friends, family, or support groups who understand and support your journey can provide comfort and encouragement during this transformative period. Lastly, setting personal goals can be a powerful way to move forward. Whether they're career-related, personal development, or travel goals, having something to work towards can provide a sense of purpose and direction during this phase of self-reconnection. When Is It Okay to Break 'No Contact'? Deciding when to break the 'no contact' rule is a crucial and often challenging decision. The key is to ensure that you are doing it for the right reasons and that you are emotionally ready to handle any outcome. It's not about a set time frame, but rather about your personal healing journey. One valid reason to break 'no contact' could be if you've achieved the personal growth and emotional stability you aimed for. If you feel that you can interact with your ex without old patterns and emotions overwhelming you, it may be the right time. In some cases, practical reasons such as co-parenting, professional interactions, or dealing with shared assets may necessitate breaking 'no contact'. In these situations, keeping the interactions focused and professional is essential. If there's a need for closure or clarity on certain aspects of the relationship, breaking 'no contact' might be beneficial. However, it's important to approach this with a clear mind and realistic expectations, understanding that you might not receive the answers you're hoping for. Finally, it's crucial to consider whether breaking 'no contact' aligns with your long-term well-being and goals. If re-establishing contact does not serve your personal growth or threatens to undo the progress you've made, it may be wise to maintain the distance. Dealing with Mutual Friends and Shared Spaces Navigating mutual friendships and shared spaces during the 'no contact' period can be complex. These shared connections often pose a challenge, as they can bring you into indirect or direct contact with your ex. Handling these situations with grace and tact is key to maintaining your emotional well-being. The first step is to communicate your situation to your mutual friends. It's important they understand your need for space and boundaries. Honest communication can help in ensuring that you aren't put in uncomfortable situations, like unexpected encounters with your ex. Deciding how to interact in shared spaces like work, school, or social clubs is crucial. Planning ahead and setting internal boundaries on how you will handle any interactions can alleviate anxiety and help you maintain your composure. In some cases, it might be necessary to take a break from certain social circles or events. This doesn't have to be permanent, but giving yourself time to heal without the risk of running into your ex can be beneficial. However, it's also important to maintain your social life. Completely isolating yourself can be detrimental to your emotional health. Striking a balance between avoiding your ex and keeping your social connections alive is essential. Lastly, remember that mutual friends are often in a delicate position. They may care for both you and your ex, so it's important to avoid putting them in the middle or forcing them to take sides. The Long-Term Effects of 'No Contact' on Relationships The long-term effects of adhering to a 'no contact' rule can be profound and varied, impacting future relationships and personal growth. One of the primary benefits is the development of a clearer understanding of what you seek in a relationship, leading to healthier relationship choices in the future. 'No contact' can also lead to improved self-esteem and self-worth. By focusing on your own needs and healing, you develop a stronger sense of self, which is crucial for entering into future relationships with confidence and clarity. Another long-term effect is the ability to set and maintain healthier boundaries. Having experienced the benefits of boundaries during 'no contact', you're more likely to implement them in future relationships, leading to more balanced and respectful partnerships. For some, 'no contact' leads to a realization of the patterns and behaviors they wish to change. This self-awareness can prevent the repetition of past mistakes and pave the way for more fulfilling and mature relationships. In terms of emotional resilience, those who have successfully navigated a 'no contact' period often find themselves better equipped to handle relationship challenges and conflicts. This resilience is a valuable asset in building strong, lasting relationships. However, it's also important to note that 'no contact' can sometimes lead to lingering feelings of unresolved issues or questions. In some cases, individuals may need additional support or therapy to fully move on from their past relationship. Lastly, 'no contact' can influence how you view relationships as a whole. It may lead to a deeper appreciation for the value of companionship, or it might inspire a greater focus on self-reliance and independence. Either way, it's a period that can significantly shape your approach to future relationships. Moving On: Life After the 'No Contact' Period Moving on after the 'no contact' period marks a significant step in the journey of healing and personal growth. This phase is about embracing the lessons learned and applying them to create a fulfilling life, post-breakup. The transition can be both liberating and daunting, as it signifies a return to a world where your ex is no longer an off-limits subject. One of the first steps in moving on is reevaluating your perspective on the relationship. With the distance and time provided by 'no contact', you can see the relationship more objectively, understanding both its positives and negatives without emotional bias. Re-engaging in the dating world is another aspect of moving on. It's important to take this step when you feel ready, not as a means to fill a void or to make your ex jealous. Dating should be about exploring new connections and experiences, not about rebounding or reliving the past. For many, this period is about focusing on personal goals and aspirations that were sidelined. Whether it's career ambitions, travel dreams, or personal projects, pursuing these goals can be incredibly fulfilling and empowering. Maintaining the self-care routines established during 'no contact' is also crucial. These practices should continue to be a part of your life, as they are instrumental in maintaining emotional, physical, and mental well-being. Lastly, embracing the changes in yourself and your life is key. You've likely undergone significant personal growth, and it's important to recognize and celebrate this. Moving on doesn't mean forgetting the past, but rather learning from it and looking forward to new opportunities and experiences. Frequently Asked Questions About 'Breakup No Contact' 1. How long should 'no contact' last? The duration of 'no contact' varies depending on individual circumstances. It's more about reaching a point where you feel emotionally stable and healed, rather than a set time frame. 2. Is it okay to respond if my ex contacts me during 'no contact'? Generally, it's best to maintain 'no contact' unless there's an urgent or practical reason to respond. The purpose of this period is to minimize contact to aid healing. 3. Can 'no contact' help in getting my ex back? While some people hope that 'no contact' may lead to a reconciliation, it's important to focus on healing and personal growth, rather than on the potential of rekindling the relationship. 4. How do I deal with the urge to check on my ex on social media? Unfollowing or blocking your ex, along with filling your feed with positive content, can help. It's also beneficial to engage in activities that distract and fulfill you. 5. What if we work together or have to co-parent? In such cases, keep communication professional and focused on the task or child's needs. Setting clear boundaries is essential. 6. How do I handle mutual friends during 'no contact'? Communicate your needs to your friends and set boundaries. It's okay to ask them not to share information about your ex with you. 7. What if I feel worse during 'no contact'? It's normal to feel a range of emotions. Seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist can be beneficial. Remember, it's a process and it takes time to heal.
  4. I remember this forum was really important to me when I was going through a breakup back in 2011 (check my post history for the play-by-play). It helped me process my thoughts and feelings, and it was great to read advice and share my viewpoint with other people going through the same things. It was like a form of therapy, and I remember learning some valuable lessons on this forum. I also remember sharing some really good advice IMO, and it felt good having people validate my thinking and concerns as it related to their own lives. Regardless, as I've gone through my life, I've wondered about posting back on here at various milestones. Needless to say, I got back with my girlfriend, who became my fiancee in 2016, wife in 2018, and we have a wonderful 1.5 year-old boy right now! Lots of ups and downs throughout our relationship. Some of the down periods were just as hard as anything I had ever been through (especially learning to become parents together). Overall though, none of that would have happened without some of the valuable lessons I took here on my journey. I don't know if this thread will have any staying power, but I hope that it gives a signal to anyone else looking for a success story as a sign of hope. Anyways, I probably won't check on this thread or have much to contribute back to this forum, but I wish anyone reading this the best of luck and the strength to persevere in your own journey!
  5. If you're reading this, it's likely you're considering reaching out to your ex after a period of no contact. First off, know that it's completely normal to still have feelings for someone you've been deeply involved with. Relationships are complex, full of ups and downs, joys and heartaches. A part of you might be yearning for closure, while another might be longing for a fresh start. Either way, it's important to approach this with a level head and clear intentions. It's crucial to note, however, that the aftermath of a breakup isn't always the best time to reconnect. Hurt, anger, confusion—they can all cloud your judgement. That's why the 'No Contact Rule' is often advised as a first step post-breakup, allowing both parties to heal and reflect on the relationship. This rule is not about ignoring or forgetting your ex; it's about finding yourself and reassessing your needs and desires. Remember, it's okay to think about your ex, but reaching out should only come after you've given yourself time to heal and reflect. As a man who's been in your shoes, I've navigated the troubled waters of breakups and the No Contact Rule. It was a painstaking journey—filled with countless mistakes and self-discovery—but it also led me to some profound realizations about relationships, communication, and emotional well-being. And so, I bring you this guide—not as an all-knowing guru, but as someone who's experienced the confusion, pain, and uncertainty that comes with a breakup. The No Contact Rule: Breaking it Down Before we delve into the texts you should send your ex after the no-contact period, let's first understand the principle behind the No Contact Rule. In essence, this rule entails completely cutting off communication with your ex for a specific period, usually around 30 to 60 days. The main aim is to allow healing, reflection, and personal growth. It's important to remember that the No Contact Rule isn't a game or a manipulation tactic. Instead, it's a time to focus on yourself, rebuild your life, and redefine your goals. When used correctly, it can serve as a bridge between your past relationship and a potential future, whether that's with your ex or with someone new. The aftermath of a breakup can leave you feeling like an emotional wreck, making it difficult to think rationally about the situation. The No Contact Rule allows you the time and space needed to gain perspective. It's also a test of resilience and determination. If you can resist the urge to contact your ex during this period, it signifies your readiness to take the next step—reconnecting. Reaching Out: A New Approach Once the no-contact period is over, the urge to reconnect can be powerful. But before you pick up your phone, remember that how you reach out is as important as the decision to do so. In the following sections, we'll explore seven surprising texts you can send your ex after the no-contact period, providing an insight into why these messages can be effective. Text #1: The Memory Jogger This text involves sharing a memory that you both cherished. The goal isn't to invoke feelings of regret or nostalgia, but to remind your ex of the good times. It's a subtle way of communicating that you're not stuck in the past, but rather, appreciate the moments you shared. This can be something as simple as: "I walked past the old cinema we used to visit today. It reminded me of our film marathons. I hope you're doing well." Text #2: The Growth Acknowledgment Let your ex know that the break up has been a learning experience for you. Show them that you've grown and understood the issues that led to the split. Be careful not to make it sound like a plea for them to take you back. Instead, express gratitude for the growth. For instance: "I've done a lot of thinking and realized how much I've learned from our time together. I've been working on being more understanding and patient, qualities you always embodied." Text #3: The Apology If you were in the wrong during the breakup, now might be a good time to apologize. However, this needs to be done without expecting an apology or even a response. It should be an honest admission of your mistakes. A simple, "I'm sorry for the way things ended between us. I now realize where I went wrong and I'm truly sorry." can go a long way. Text #4: The Catch Up After some time has passed, it's okay to show interest in their life. This shouldn't be intrusive, but a casual catch-up, a text that opens the door for them to share if they feel comfortable. For example: "I was just wondering how you've been. I hope everything is going well for you." Text #5: The Casual Invitation Once the conversation is flowing, you may want to suggest meeting up. Keep it light and non-committal, like: "Hey, there's this new café in town that I thought you might like. Would you like to check it out together?" Text #6: The Feel-Good Message Send a message that will bring a smile to their face, even if it's something small. An inside joke or a link to an article or video you both would enjoy can do the trick. For example, "Remember how much we laughed at those cat videos? I just saw one that you would love." Text #7: The Emotional Check-in Lastly, let them know that you're there for them. But remember, you should only send this if you genuinely mean it, not as a way to get back together. "Just wanted to say that I'm here if you ever need to talk. We've been through a lot together, and I still care about your well-being." Conclusion Reaching out to your ex after the no-contact period can be a daunting task. However, by employing the right strategies, you can effectively communicate your intent and pave the way for a healthy conversation. Remember, every relationship is unique, so take the time to reflect on yours and choose the approach that fits best. The goal should not necessarily be to reignite the romance but to establish a healthy connection, whether as friends or perhaps something more. Either way, always respect your ex's response or their decision to not respond at all. Keep in mind that reconciliation is a two-way street—it requires both parties to be willing and open. Breakups are tough, and so is the journey that follows. But remember, the path to growth often begins with a single step—or in this case, a single text. So go ahead, take that step. Further Reading and Resources "Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You" by Susan J. Elliott "Reigniting Romance: 5 Reasons to Consider Reuniting with Your Ex" - Psychology Today "How to Fix a Broken Heart" - TED Talk by Guy Winch
  6. Dear eNotAlone: After 13 years of a tumultuous relationship, my partner and I have finally decided to part ways. We have been through ups and downs, like the ebb and flow of the ocean, but now we find ourselves at a crossroads. Our love has weathered many storms, yet it seems that our journey together has reached its end. As we prepare to embark on separate paths, I am faced with the question of whether to implement no contact (NC) or to maintain a connection with my former partner. While I understand the benefits of NC, I cannot help but feel the weight of our shared history and the longing to preserve some semblance of the bond that once tethered us together. Please provide guidance on whether to choose NC or not, and how to navigate the uncharted waters of life after such a long-term relationship. Thank you. * * * 1. Weigh the pros and cons: Begin by considering the potential benefits and drawbacks of both maintaining contact and implementing NC. Reflect on how each choice may impact your emotional well-being, personal growth, and ability to move forward. Keep in mind that the optimal choice may vary depending on individual circumstances and the nature of the relationship. 2. Assess your emotional state: Take stock of your emotional state and evaluate your readiness to maintain a connection with your former partner. Are you able to engage with them without feeling overwhelmed by negative emotions, such as sadness, anger, or jealousy? If not, implementing NC may be the best course of action to facilitate healing. 3. Establish boundaries: If you choose to maintain contact, it is crucial to establish clear boundaries and communicate them openly with your former partner. This may include setting limits on the frequency and nature of communication, as well as discussing any topics that are off-limits. 4. Consider the impact on new relationships: Maintaining a close connection with an ex-partner can create complications in future relationships. It is important to consider how your ongoing contact with your ex may be perceived by potential partners and how it may impact your ability to build new connections. 5. Focus on personal growth: Whether you choose NC or not, the end of a long-term relationship presents an opportunity for personal growth and self-discovery. Engage in activities that bring joy, fulfillment, and self-awareness, such as pursuing hobbies, joining clubs or organizations, and seeking therapy or counseling. 6. Maintain a support network: Surround yourself with a strong support network of friends and family who can provide encouragement, guidance, and a listening ear as you navigate this transitional period. The strength and resilience of your support network can be a powerful anchor in the stormy seas of life. 7. Evaluate and adjust: As you proceed on your chosen path, continuously evaluate your emotional well-being and the impact of your decision on your life. Be open to adjusting your approach if it becomes necessary for your mental and emotional health. The choice between implementing NC or maintaining contact with your former partner is a deeply personal one, shaped by the unique contours of your relationship and your emotional landscape. As you ponder this decision, remember that it is not set in stone, and you can adapt your approach as needed to support your healing and growth. The sun may have set on your 13-year relationship, but as the night sky gives way to a new dawn, so too does the potential for growth and transformation emerge. Embrace this period of change and reflection as an opportunity to embark on a journey of self-discovery and healing, allowing yourself the space to grieve, learn, and flourish.
  7. Dear eNotAlone: I have recently gone through a breakup, and I had managed to maintain two weeks of no contact with my ex-partner. However, I couldn't resist reaching out and ended up breaking the no-contact rule. Now, I am feeling even more upset and lost. How can I regain control of my emotions and maintain no contact with my ex-partner? What steps should I take to heal from the breakup and move forward? * * * First, recognize that breaking the no-contact rule is a common experience for those navigating the aftermath of a breakup. Like the sudden gust of a tempest, feelings of longing and vulnerability can sweep you off course, leading you to reach out to your ex-partner. It is crucial to acknowledge these emotions without judgment and remember that healing is a nonlinear process. To regain control of your emotions, begin by practicing self-compassion. Like a lighthouse guiding you through stormy seas, treating yourself with kindness and understanding can provide a beacon of hope in the darkness. Recognize that healing takes time, and forgive yourself for breaking the no-contact rule. Next, seek the support of friends, family, or a therapist to help you process your emotions and maintain no contact. Like a crew of experienced sailors, these individuals can offer valuable insights, encouragement, and camaraderie as you navigate the treacherous waters of heartbreak. Do not be afraid to lean on them for guidance and reassurance during moments of weakness. In addition, establish healthy boundaries to minimize the temptation to contact your ex-partner. Like the sturdy hull of a ship, these boundaries can protect you from the corrosive effects of lingering attachments and negative emotions. Consider blocking or unfollowing your ex on social media, deleting their contact information, and distancing yourself from mutual friends or activities that may trigger memories of the relationship. Moreover, focus on self-care and personal growth to foster healing and resilience. Like a lush, fertile island amidst the vast ocean, nurturing your physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being can provide a haven of restoration and rejuvenation. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment, set personal goals, and practice mindfulness to cultivate inner peace and self-awareness. If you find yourself struggling to maintain no contact, consider implementing a system of rewards and consequences. Like a seasoned captain steering their ship through uncharted waters, rewarding yourself for maintaining no contact and imposing consequences for breaking the rule can provide motivation and accountability as you progress on your journey. Embrace the possibility of new beginnings and opportunities that may emerge from the end of your relationship. Like the vibrant hues of a sunrise on the horizon, the future holds the promise of growth, renewal, and discovery. Remain open to new experiences, relationships, and adventures that may enrich your life and foster personal growth. Regaining control of your emotions and maintaining no contact with your ex-partner requires self-compassion, support, healthy boundaries, and a focus on personal growth. By charting a course towards healing and embracing the potential for new beginnings, you can navigate the tumultuous waters of heartbreak and steer your vessel towards the calm, serene shores of emotional well-being.
  8. No-contact is a concept in psychology or relationship therapy that involves ceasing all communication with an individual or group, often as a result of a difficult break-up or a complicated relationship dynamic. Many people fear the idea of going cold turkey with their ex and worry about the associated implications, such as obsessing over their partner or even “stalking” them through social media. In reality, no-contact can strangely be the best thing for you after a difficult breakup, allowing you to focus on yourself without the external distraction of your ex. Below, we explore why no-contact is the best thing for you after a breakup and how it can lead you to a more rewarding life. The Benefits of Going No-Contact When a relationship ends, it can be incredibly difficult to let go and move on. As we all know, the more we think about someone, the harder the situation becomes. This is why no-contact is so important — by cutting off our source of romantic thoughts and by removing the external distraction of our ex, we can start to rethink the breakup objectively and try to think about what it means for our personal lives. Another benefit of no-contact is that it gives us an opportunity to focus on our own well-being. While we may still have feelings for our ex, intense emotions can be draining and can make it difficult to focus on anything else. By avoiding contact, we can direct our emotional energy into ourselves and start to properly heal from the breakup. Furthermore, no-contact is beneficial for our future relationships. By taking some time to reflect on the past and focus on one's own emotional needs, we can “reset” ourselves and be better prepared for the next relationship, whether it be a friend, significant other, or family member. This emotional healing can actually be more beneficial than continuing to rely on our ex for emotional support, as oftentimes this contact only hinders an individual's progress in terms of recovery and personal growth. No Contact and Mental Health No-contact also has significant implications when it comes to mental health. According to a recent survey by the American Psychological Association, 84% of respondents agreed that technology plays a role in placing a strain on relationships. As a result of this technology, people are more exposed to their exes and struggle to reach closure after a breakup. Moreover, when we are constantly reminded of our ex, it can trigger relapses of our emotional wounds and cause psychological issues, such as depression or anxiety. Although every individual is different and hence handles break-ups in their own way, it’s important to take a step back and truly assess what’s best for your mental health — and sometimes, that might mean going no-contact. One study suggested that no-contact can improve an individual’s overall subjective satisfaction, meaning that they’re happier and more content with who they are post-breakup. How to Implement No-Contact Although at first it might seem daunting, it’s important to keep in mind why you’re going no-contact, for both your own mental health and for the furtherance of your relationship with your ex. Here are a few tips on how to correctly implement no-contact: • Remind yourself that this is for the best. • Unfollow and unfriend your ex on social media. • Avoid places where you might see your ex. • Don’t talk about your ex to friends and family. • Find a hobby or task to occupy your time. • Ask loved ones and friends for support. Overall, no-contact is an incredibly powerful tool when it comes to navigating a tough breakup. Depending on the situation and the individuals involved, it can be used both to heal the people involved and to cultivate healthier relationships after the fact. Although it might be initially difficult to let go, implementing no-contact can help you move on and become the best version of yourself after a difficult breakup.
  9. My ex girlfriend 32 and me 35 took a break after 10 months of dating because I needed time to clear my head as a recent divorcee and was scared because we had a really strong love connection. we both mutually agreed that we shared the strongest and best relationship we’ve ever had. We remained in contact through Halloween. However during that time, she met someone else around the 15th of November. I came home from thanksgiving ready to confess how much I loved her and that I was ready we had a long phone conversation about how she wants to explore her new relationship. It was hard but she said that she felt that I shouldn’t reach out anymore and I’ve respected her wishes since Nov 29th. I went into strict no contact but can still feel her and she looks at my stories all the time (I don’t look at hers) I’m not mad at her, but really want to put an effort in to get her back while there’s still time. Do any women have advice on what could work on someone who has rebounded but I know loves me still?? Should I stay in no contact until she reaches out or should I do something like have a conversation face to face coming completely clean about how I feel?
  10. My (F,26) ex (M,24) dumped me back in July for coldly and harshly. He was so mean about it. We were together for two years. Come to find out he was cheating on me. He never told me that in the end but instead made a bunch of excuses and was just really mean to me. 2 weeks after dumping me he immediately got with someone else - a girl who used to shoot up heroin, has assault charges on her for beating up her boyfriends, etc. I went full no contact from the start. No begging, no pleading, no calls, no texts, nothing. Last Wednesday, at around noon after 3 months from the breakup he texted me and asked, “Sorry to ask but do you happen to have any of my carrhart sweatshirts?” And the weekend prior to this, all of our mutual friends had a bonfire and my name got brought up - I guess he was being super anti-social at the bonfire and when I got brought up he quickly made an exit after that. I don’t even know what to say. And after 3 months, why is he contacting me about his sweatshirts? I have not responded and I do not have any of his stuff.
  11. hey kids, i just want to extend a big thank you to all of you who have been helping me get through my break up these past few weeks. this site has done more help than anything else. my story is...i have been broken up with my ex for almost 2 months because i wasnt sure where it was going or what i wanted, and i havent seen or spoken to her for basically the entire time. i heard she was in a car accident last night, she is fine...was able to walk away but her car was totaled, we never established "NC" but we naturally went into that mode...should i call or make some sort of contact??
  12. Hi guys, so I am M(24) ex F(22) we were together for 18 months and lived together for around 1 year of that. She first broke up with me 2 and a half months ago but she immediately regretted that decision and we got back together 1 hour later. That lasted 2 weeks then she broke up with me again. After 2 days of begging I went No contact and have not reached out since. After the breakup, It took her only a week for her to go on holiday to a different country and move into her 'friends' place who she's know for 5 years and become a official relationship on facebook with this guy. So she's living her dream - living somewhere free, no job and this guy is spoiling her. This guy is not her usual type. Throughout the next month she has blocked and unblocked me a couple times, bearing in mind I have not even reached out in any way. So I find out they are now engaged! Exactly 2 months after our breakup. A day after her engagement announcement she unblocked me from Instagram! This is when I start to realize she is most likely a narc and started looking back on the red flags. I just want your opinions / thoughts. This is all very new and painful to me. Is she a Narc? How can you move on that quickly? Why unblock me to see? Will they ride off into the sunset? Thanks in advance.
  13. To cut a long story short I was in a serious relationship for 4 years - bought a house together and seriously talking marriage. He broke up with me citing incompatibility with what we want in life at the moment from understanding what he wants now this feels like a quarter life crisis where he's questioning himself and what he wants and making big life choices (selling our house, quitting his job, not wanting to commit to anyone and travelling for the foreseeable future). I now see he was right as I have a job and studying that I can't leave and at the moment I don't want a relationship, I want to work on myself and become the person that I want to be by pushing myself. Now he hasn't left for travelling yet so we are still tied by the house, and I've tried to set up boundaries to ensure that there's as little of this talk as possible as this is a sore spot for both of us. However, we still talk to each other at least once a week and im struggling because we still 'click' and can talk about nothing for hours. We always finish the conversation and i feel like there's so much more to say. I've asked him why he reaches out and he says its because he cares, i mean a lot to him, I'll always be close to his heart and that we are significant to each other. Now to me that sounds like someone with conflicting ties - one to freedom and adventure, and the other to love that they feel for someone. Thoughts? I've done a lot of introspection and know that where we were in a relationship last time was not at all what I wanted there was too much pressure on us and we're both in our 20s. I also know that I don't want a relationship either right now because I know I still love him and want to put myself first in my growth for now. I've asked him where he is at emotionally and he says he wants to focus on rebuilding our friendship and that he doesn't want any pressure for there to be anything romantic but that we have feelings for each other that are more than friends. My question is should I continue to keep in contact with him (he says he wants to talk on the phone once a week and text) because I'm really liking the person he's becoming and we both want and enjoy talking to each other? As a side note - We've agreed to keep checking where we both are and what we want emotionally in the future, so if we are misaligned we can pick up on it asap. Or should I cut all contact for the foreseeable for fear of being led on? Whilst cutting contact will hurt me and be very hard, I am scared that contact will keep us stuck in this position we've found ourselves in for good. And with his current life uncertainty there's no guarantee of anything in the future (but I guess that's life) - whether he'll come back it want a relationship in the future.
  14. New to this forum but have actually read quite a lot on the ex back and NC topics. Long story very short... 6-year relationship, she's 19 years younger... call me a cradle-snatcher, but we really understood each other for most of those 6 years. Lived together for 2 years. I should have seen it coming as all the signs were there and she actually tried to tell me many times - only I didn’t (want to) hear it :-(. She moved away in March this year but we saw each other every couple of days and she’d spend at least one night of each week. 8 weeks ago she just called it quits. Was a very cold shower and total surprise. I was upset at first and didn’t talk to her for two days, then we texted some there and back. But she was suddenly a different person - cold, non-understanding, not willing to talk about anything. All the usual stuff that you read about that a dumper does after the fact. I called her once but all I got was a brick wall. Sent a long email asking for some explanation and if we could work it out. Not sure she even read it. As I suspected, there is also a guy at play that she has been seeing / flirting with (maybe) since April. Not sure I would call this a rebound but I believe at some point in June, she would be torn between the two of us - more inclining to the new guy (for all the obvious reasons). She did keep in irregular contact a few times a week after that - saying she wants to stay friends as she cares too much for me and I mean a lot in her life. Kept telling her I am not her friend because simply I feel more than that. I went and read tons of stuff (never really been dumped in my life, haha). Went NC 4 weeks ago. Immediately started doing stuff - I’m not short of hobbies - do lots of sports but added a gym and personal trainer to occupy the mind and tire the body. Been playing the piano and guitar a lot lately (after many many years), been playing computer games in the evenings, reading advice on this forum and elsewhere. She contacted me after 2 weeks, asking to see me, which I (a bit reluctantly) agreed to, I said I would bring her magazines that were delivered for her to our place. I was never mean to her, only a bit cold I’d say. We met at Starbucks and I was trying to be upbeat and not display any sense of urgency, pleading or anything. Tried to look real busy at work (which I actually am now). She didn’t say why she wanted to meet - maybe she didn’t feel the situation was good or maybe she just wanted to meet as buddies over coffee, don’t know… She acted a bit annoyed, especially later when she asked if I was going to come to our sports trainings and events and I said I didn’t plan to. She also seemed a bit pressed for time towards the end, though she said she had plenty. I am sure she went to see the other guy right after that and maybe didn’t want to keep him waiting. We parted ways with a hug. I wanted to kiss her like I used to but she just wanted a friendly kiss, which I said no to. So we just hugged a bit more and she left. I texted her later saying it was good to see her and she should stay in touch if she wants to. She texted back that obviously I can’t have contact with her now so it’s me who needs to stay in touch. I said maybe she could come over one night to watch our favourite TV show. She said she’d like that. I left it at that and went back to NC. She texted again a week later (yesterday actually), calling me my sweetheart name and saying that a new series of our favourite show would be screening next Monday. I replied (nicely) that I would definitely watch! And she said - “you definitely should”.
  15. This ‘guide’ has been written to give people here guidance on what to do after a break-up. This has been written using my own experience, and also drawing on the experiences of others in my personal life, and also from these boards themselves. This is the healthiest advice that I can give – both to help someone recover from a break-up and to give the best chance possible of being reconciled with an ex. There are no ‘games’ or ‘tricks’ contained here, it is not a quick-fix nor a magical solution – it is straight-forward and all about helping the dumpee heal and move on, with or without their former partner The Break-up and Reconciliation Guide Goal The goal of this post primarily focuses on two things: To maintain the dumpee’s self-respect and dignity To avoid being pitied by the dumper If these two (interrelated) goals are achieved, it will have a two-pronged effect. It will assist the dumpee in moving on It will increase the chance of reconciliation Stereotypical Post-Break-up behaviour When someone that you love unexpectedly, or even expectedly ends a relationship, then you may find yourself losing control of rational thought and entering ‘survival mode’. This can manifest itself in numerous ways, but the most common appears to be losing their inhibitions and saying *anything* in order to reverse the dumper’s decision. Begging, pleading and promises of change are high on the dumpee’s behavioural agenda. These behaviours do not work, and on the rare occasions they do, the second chance is generally short lived. Why? Because a dumper may return to the dumpee out of pity – and pity has no business in an equal, loving relationship. Another reason for failure is because the dumper may feel as though they are doing the dumpee a favour by returning, and thus it makes the responsibility they hold in making the relationship work significantly less – it is easier for them to walk away (again). It would be completely unreasonable to expect anyone, especially yourself, to be able to control the initial impulse to beg your ex for another chance. So if you have done so, forgive yourself – but vow that you won’t do it again. Today is the day that you take your first step forward in moving on. What to do differently If begging, pleading and promising change is the ‘wrong’ behaviour to exhibit, then it stands to reason that the ‘right’ behaviour is the opposite. So, what is the opposite behaviour? Well, let’s dump the begging, pleading and unreasonable demands you have made on yourself under a broad heading: “Undignified” – because that’s exactly what it is – undignified. So, the opposite is……that’s right, “Dignified”. As hard as it is, as much as your heart, head and soul wants to scream “Take me back pleeeeeaaaaseee…I’ll do anything….I can’t live without you…..” to your ex, you must NOT…and instead act dignified. By all means, let your ex know that you are upset and that you would like a second chance – there is nothing wrong with discussing your feelings and desires (initially). Once you have done so however, consider your side of the break-up complete. Do not rehash the conversation and do not throw things that your ex may have said back in their face. Telling your ex: “But last week you said you loved me, and wanted to be the mother/father of my children” will ultimately achieve nothing except cause conflict. An ex’s words are not a binding contract and as such, can not be used to tie them into an agreement that you thought you held with them. Arguing logic with someone who is making a decision based on emotion will prove fruitless. No matter how much logic you attempt to apply to an emotional decision, emotions will *always* win out. For whatever reason, your ex’s feelings have changed and they have made a decision based on that – respect that decision, just as you would respect decisions they made within the relationship….and accept it. “True love doesn’t need convincing, true love knows.” That means letting them go, and switching your focus to picking up the pieces and moving on – without them. What happens next? You will now find yourself at the crossroads – with a decision to make: Stay in Contact, or initiate ‘No Contact’. There are some situations where contact is a necessity (children are involved or you work/go to school with your ex). There may be others, but these are the primary ones. In these cases, keep contact to a minimum and remember that you have already told your ex about your feelings and your desire for reconciliation, so do not under any circumstances have these conversations again. Keep your interactions with your ex as brief as possible and keep any conversation completely related to your reason for being in contact (children, work, school). This will be hard, but again, you have to remember your goal – maintaining your dignity and self-respect and avoiding your ex’s pity. Do not compromise these for even a second. Stay strong, and prepare yourself for each interaction with your ex: “Proper preparation prevents poor performance”. If you have no obvious ties with your ex, you are still at the crossroads – staying in contact or breaking contact. In the majority of scenarios, your ex will suggest ‘staying friends’ – they may even do more than suggest it, they may actually start to beg and plead themselves. Some dumpees are willing to enter a friendship almost immediately and some are emotionally ready to do so. Some relationships were built on friendship and many successful friendships have been born out of failed relationships – BUT, and I must stress this – these are the *exception* to the rule. I will say this again – the moment that you poured your heart out to your ex and expressed your desire for a second chance was the turning point in the break-up. That is the moment that your actions became motivated by one thing and one thing only – what is best for YOU….not for your ex, not for the hope of reconciliation – but for you, and you alone. You should never enter a ‘friendship’ with an ex as a means to ‘get them back’. If you have *any* desire to get back with your ex…even if you try to convince yourself by saying “Well, maybe one day but I’m happy with being friends in the meantime”. Don’t do it. The truth of the matter is that you are lying to yourself, and the situation will end with more pain (for you). Relationships (including friendships) are founded on equality – equality of feelings and equality of expectations. If one party desires or expects more than the other, it will lead to conflict and quite possibly the destruction of the relationship. You’ve already lost your intimate relationship, so why enter another one (friendship) that is doomed to fail from the very beginning? Being friends with an ex means being happy to hang out with them and their new boyfriend/girlfriend/person they are sleeping with/husband/wife. If the thought of that gives you an empty feeling in your stomach, don’t do it….at least not yet. Despite these warnings, some may decide that they want to stay in touch with your ex. You’ll tell yourself that you’re strong enough, that you can handle your ex seeing someone new, and that you don’t care if you don’t get back together with your ex – and some of you will be right. Some however, will be lying to themselves: Before deciding to stay in contact, or stay friends with an ex – sit down and have a really hard think whether it’s because you genuinely want to be friends, or because you are scared of letting go. If it’s the latter, don’t stay friends with your ex. This is about what is best for YOU remember, and sometimes doing what is best for you is the hardest choice to make. Letting go is hard, but is also the healthiest thing you can do after a break-up. Everyone will let go at some point after a break-up – some people will do it themselves and heal quicker, whilst others will fight and fight – until, in the end, the decision to let go is taken from their hands – and they *have* to do it. Let go now, while you have a choice to do so – it’s empowering and it also links in with the goals stated at the start of this thread. If you do decide to take the: “I think I can win them back by staying in touch” route, consider yourself warned and then… No Contact (NC) If you’ve read this far, then you are at least thinking about No Contact (NC)…so, what is No Contact? That thread covers a lot about NC and various scenarios, however it probably doesn’t stress one point enough: No Contact is NOT a tool to win back an ex. Again, everything you are doing right now is focussed on what is best for YOU. If you want to use NC as a tactic to win an ex back then by all means try it, but you will find yourself praying, hoping and wishing for the day that NC finally has its desired effect…and that day may never come. So initiate NC knowing that it is NOT to bring your ex back, it is all about allowing yourself space and time to heal. If you enter this period knowing that, the results will come – if you enter it expecting it to bring your ex to their senses, you face disappointment – and you may even find yourself resuming the ‘stereotypical post-break-up behaviour’ covered at the beginning of this post. No Contact is difficult and at times heart-wrenching – but healing will occur if you tough it out and hang in there. Contacting your ex may bring you temporary relief, but it only makes things harder in the long run – it’s akin to scratching chicken-pox. You will have an almost overwhelming urge to scratch and scratch…knowing that while it may make you feel great momentarily, it will ultimately delay the healing. What happens if I break NC? Quite simple – you start again. You don’t beat yourself up about it or dwell on it – what’s done is done. If you contact your ex, and the conversation goes well – ask yourself: “What have I really achieved?”, “Am I ready to be just friends?” or “Am I closer to reconciliation?”. If none of your answers are positive – resume NC and don’t look back. If your ex makes promises, but provides no evidence that they are going to back them up with actions – resume NC and don’t look back. If you attempt to contact your ex and your attempt is ignored, do NOT follow up with another call/email – resume No Contact and don’t look back. If the ball is left in their court (via your attempt at contact), leave it with them – they know how to find you if they do wish to contact you. What if my ex breaks NC? If your ex breaks NC and expresses anything but a heart-felt, genuine desire for reconciliation, you resume NC and don’t look back. If your ex states that they miss you, are confused, want to be with you “one day” etc, you resume NC and start again. Your ex, if expressing things such as though as stated in the sentence above, has entered their own version of ‘survival mode’ – where they are willing to say (almost) anything to get what they want – you in their lives. This is the dumper seeking what *they* want – you in their life, but not a relationship with you. Remember again, you are no longer doing what is best for your ex – you are doing to what is best for you – and if your ex is offering false hope when you want a solid promise, you resume NC and don’t look back. If you have already explained your reasons for NC to your ex, there is no need to do so again (no matter what your ex says) – a simple “We’ve already discussed why I need to do this, take care *click*” will suffice just nicely. If your ex continually breaks NC against your wishes, and expresses no concrete desire for reconciliation (if that is what you are seeking), then block their calls, emails…take any step you have to cut them out of your life. Again, it is about what is best for YOU. Avoid getting into a NC/Breaking NC cycle (regardless of whether it is your ex or you breaking NC). You are the only one that will have the power to stop it, your ex will (more than likely) keep the cycle going for as long as you allow them to. Be strong, cut all ties and maintain NC. Even if it means being rude. What do I do to help myself heal during NC? Your options are limitless – you are now a single person with no-one to answer to. Meet up with friends, take up a new hobby, work-out, go on holiday…do whatever it takes to make you feel good, and whatever it takes to make you feel good about yourself. Do not sit at home dwelling on the past and do not think of ways of ‘accidentally’ bumping into your ex. In my experience, Sunday evenings are the toughest – work/school beckons the next day and the weekend is over. Try to plan an activity to keep you occupied on Sundays if you can – even if it’s meeting up with a friend to get some dinner or watch a movie (preferably a comedy). Should I date others? Only when you’re ready. Casual dating is great and can build self-confidence and also show you that maybe there is someone else that is just as nice, if not nicer than your ex. However, do NOT enter a relationship unless you are certain that you won’t go running back to your ex at the drop of a hat if they reappear in your life. A new relationship introduces someone new to the scenario – a person with feelings and desires, just like us all. They deserve honesty and to be treated with respect – so do not use anyone else to make your ex jealous or as a replacement for your ex….someone is going to get hurt, and it could be you – physically You may find that dating someone new, instead of taking your mind off your ex, actually makes you miss them more – that is natural, and normal – and is your sub-conscious telling you that perhaps you aren’t ready to date just yet. Hang in there; the day will come where you will be. Should I break NC for important events? No, nope, negative. There is no reason to do so, unless it is life-threatening. No good will come of it. What about Reconciliation? There are no magic fixes to a broken relationship, no tricks, no secrets and no guaranteed methods to win an ex back, but there is plenty you can do to *decrease* your chances. For some guidance, look no further than SuperDave’s brilliant thread Successful reconciliation is something that will not happen for the majority of people who have been ‘dumped’ – that is the cold, harsh reality of break-ups and indeed life. We don’t always get what we want. I can tell you this however, those who do reconcile successfully with an ex are those who ‘get themselves back’ before getting their exes back. The people who maintain their dignity, self-respect and avoid being pitied by their exes are the ones that bounce back quickest and make themselves and attractive relationship prospect for the opposite (or same) sex. And that's why this guide has been so focussed on letting go and moving on - *genuinely* letting go and moving on, *really* taking back control of your emotions and your life - these are the things that give you the best chance of reconciling with an ex. Focussing on your own healing, rather than focussing on what effect your actions will have on an ex - these are the things that can bring an ex back. Sure, there are 'methods' that can be applied (The Perfect Plan Mach II) - and yes, some of them may bring an ex back. But this thread is about more than that - this is about *successful* reconciliation, not temporary fixes. Temporary fixes don't fix problems, they merely disguise them...and eventually, just like any 'make-shift' measure - they will fail. What if my ex wants me back? It’s the moment you’ve been waiting for – your ex contacts you out of the blue and says the words you’ve been wanting months to hear: “I made a mistake, I love you and I want you back.”. Brilliant – you grin from ear to ear, tell your ex that you love them and live happily ever after, right? Not so fast there kid – the hard work has only just begun. First things first – you have to evaluate *why* your ex has had a change of heart – is it because they genuinely miss and love you, or is it because they themselves were dumped and are returning to ‘familiar territory’? Or perhaps they are going through a but of a rough patch in their life at the moment? As with break-ups, each is unique but all have commonalities – and the above are seemingly the three main reasons that an ex ‘returns to the scene of the crime’. There may be all sorts of emotions to work through before it’s all smooth sailing. You may feel anger that your ex put you through such an emotionally draining, traumatic experience only to change their mind. You may be apprehensive – afterall, they dumped you before, what’s to stop them from doing it again? Some people can work through these issues, view the relationship as a new start and get on with it. Others may not be able to. Insecurity and anger are the two biggest issues to overcome (in my experience) when reconciling with an ex. Repeatedly bringing the past up in an (unrelated) argument can sound the death-knell for a second chance. Letting go of the emotions associated with the break-up (whilst not forgetting them) is the key to moving forward when reconciling. Only you know what you can deal with – and sometimes it won’t be apparent what you can and can’t deal with until you enter that ‘second chance’. As with reconciliation – there are no magic tricks to work through these issues, other than honest and open communication from both parties…and a resolve to work on the issues that lead to the first break-up. If you can’t work through them or get over them, that is not a sign of weakness on your part – it is a part of your sub-conscious that is protecting you from getting hurt again, and sometimes that sub-conscious has a point that should be listened to. Most importantly, if you do embark of a ‘new beginning’ – just as you should start any new relationship slowly, you should be extremely vigilant when reconciling. Jumping into the relationship too quickly, because you know each other so well, can see each party possibly falling back into the same old routine….and before you know it the issues that caused the first break-up are back. Slowly, slowly, slowly….that’s all I’m sayin’. Best of luck.
  16. I have observed what goes on outside the french window so many times with more curiosity than just plain noseiness. Today the sky is bright blue and there is hardly a cloud in sight. The large trees that surround the street stand tall with thick chocolate brown trunks and long branches some thich and others thin. The wind sways the bright green summertime leaves back and fourth. So many different coloured flowers that only bloom in summer, colours of white, yellow, raspberry pinks and lilacs surround front gardens, some you can see planted in the soil others you can see peeking out of bushes twinkling like gem stones. I don't suppose many people would be that interested in writing about what they see every day, most people get up at seven in the morning maybe sip coffee whilst they get ready to rush of to their nine to five lives, most people care about the more practical, logical things like making sure the tank in the car is full with petrol, others rush so they don't miss their buses or trains. There are very few that see things that are hidden, undiscovered and those things, the unseen things are the most beautiful of all. You would think I would be outside the window inhaling the fresh air and enjoying the way the sun feels on my skin. You would think I would have a daily routine like most people do. You see all of us have options I could choose to go about every day life I could travel in the rush hour if I wanted to, I could do what I should be doing but I choose not to. You want to know why?, because if I choose to step outside I have to ask myself a question. Who am I really when I step outside into the world?, If I could go back in time and observe me from outside the window I'd say I don't make eye contact with anyone just the floor, my body language is uncomfortable and the way I'm walking means I just want to get today over with and fast. I stay hidden in a crowd and on a one on one basis. When I'm out there I wear a mask and a imaginary shield protects me from everyone and everything, I don't feel anything apart from the breeze in my hair and the sun on my skin. I could say who I am isn't who I'm meant to be, but maybe it is. Maybe the parts that I hate so much about myself like being socially awkward, maybe I am just meant to be that way. Maybe I wasn't born to fit in, maybe I was born to be the observer, the writer. Most days I see the same three men walk past my house. The first man always walks past my house in the morning sometimes at nine sometimes at ten. He is tall and slender and looks in his thirites. No matter what the weather he always wears a long leather coat that flys out at the back when he walks, it kind of looks like a cloak. His black hair is always slicked back in that old fashioned way and his skin is so white and flawless and he always carries the same intense look on his face. He feels like an outcast, like he doesn't belong I can sense it from him. I don't see him as what other people might label him as, I look at him and I see hes just misunderstood with an old fashioned charm about him. The second man walks past my house in the afternoon and he is young, in his twenties and he is lovely looking. He either wears a gray or a baby blue jump suit and I know he's a mechanic. He is a average size with blonde short hair and blue eyes, he always looks thoughful whilst he smokes his cigarette, I always feel like smokers smoke for a reason and that reason isn't to look cool. The last man that walks past my house is also tall his skin is a light olive tone and his face has so much bone structure to it he wears glasses and a hat with a dull green coloured coat and a dull colour gray rucksack, I can't sense as much from him as I can sense from the other two but I can tell he's not like most people. Whenever I see these three men walk by I feel a kind of connection to them and I feel like maybe they feel alone like I do. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to open the door and walk up to each of them and tell them that I see them walk past my house every day and that I can sense their emotions, but that would be just weird. The truth is I don't know anything about them and I never will. We will never know absoloutly everything about everyone, we think we do but we don't. That's the mystery, the beautiful thing that is unseen.
  17. I posted about 6 weeks ago, stating how I had told my ex that he must stop contacting me so I could heal. We had lived together for 5 years, and have now been apart 7 months after he suddenly up and walked out on me. For the first 6 months he kept contacting me (see previous post by me for history). Well it's been 6 weeks now as just stated without any contact at all. God it still hurts like hell. I still think of him constantly. Sometimes I am having angry thoughts - stuff I would like to say to hurt him. Other times it's thoughts of what he is doing and how much he is enjoying is life; is he thinking of me still, does he still love and miss me. Most of the time I hope today will be the day he returns. I have these fantasies of him coming back, what he would say/do etc. It's tying me up in knots. Do others experience this also or I am nuts? I am trying my best to move on with my life and accept it is over. I go out and socialise lots, always bright, bubbly and happy with my friends and told I am the life of the party - but I am crippled inside. I come home at the end of a night out and crawl into my empty bed, wishing he was there. I wake every morning and think of him as I climb out of bed. I have learnt to adjust to being single to a certain degree and try to make the most of this situation, but I feel I am living groundhog day - every day just hoping he will come back, but knowing he won't. Will this ever end?
  18. I've been doing the "no contact rule" for close to 3 months now. It is harder since I still see her kids, but I've still tried. I must admit that I have broken the rule a few times and sent her an e-mail or two which in turn left to numerous e-mails being exchanged between us that day. Nothing serious in the e-mails - just generic stuff and some mild flirtation. In any case, her birthday is approaching and I would like to see her and spend some time with her. I understand that is a big no no, but we kind of share a special sentiment when it comes to bithdays. Is this a wise move or am I going to have to go back to square one again? Some of my female friends have suggested no, while others have said yes, but make it brief so that she'll know that you remembered her, to have her miss those past birthday moments, etc. Even link removed suggested not forgetting her birthday: link removed Some have even suggested to me that I should stop this no-contact rule. Why? Since we our both stubborn and ego/pride driven, it's like a game and we are both willing to see who would hold out the longest. It's as if we are just playing a cruel trick on each other - all for the sake of pride and holding out. I don't know...this is just an example of how difficult it can be going through the no-contact phase. People have told me to fight for her and knock that stubborness out of her head. I still want to see her though. She has said that I am welcome back to her house anytime and there are so many times where I just want to take advantage of that. I need reassurance.
  19. The only way I made my commitment phobic BF want to live with me and then accept marriage was to leave him. I did not threaten him or say I would leave if he didn't propose. I just left him and stopped taking his calls. He came back after a while with a different song and we bought a house together. We are now getting married in July/05. I ask myself: did I manipulate him by leaving? He did not HAVE to come back. He chose to contact me (Actually he tricked me because I had stopped taking his calls) and make plans. He knew how I felt and why I left. But I never said he had to commit to me. But after talking to him several times and him being flaky about it, I realized there would be no honey coming out of that flower (or no pearl coming out of that oyster ha ha). So I left and decided to move on. I was strong and did not contact him. He came after me. Still, I wonder (and always will) if he was conned into marrying me in a way, since after 5 years he was still avoiding commitment talk. He now seems ok with the marriage plans even though he is leaving it mostly to me, since we are mature and it's our second wedding for both. He doesn't seem overly enthusiastic but he doens't say anything negative or critical about it. But I wonder.
  20. My G/F of 8 years left me 2 days before Xmas. i had no idea anything was wrong, and right up until the last day she would say she loved me, we went out and did Xmas shopping together, she spent lots of money on my presents. When she did it, it absolutly broke my heart. She is such a gorgeous, sweet, caring, lovely girl and I love her with all my heart. I'm finding it so difficult, not just with the fact that she just 'doesnt have the same feelings anymore' (jeez thats a killer), but I just so miss the physical contact. You know, holding hands, lying in each others arms, that comforting hug, that lovely evening cuddle in front of the tv, that soft, gentle kiss...to know I'm never going to experience any of that with her again is just impossible to take in. I dont know, it is so bad, and worse to know that it is going to be so long before I get these things again, and it will probably be with someone else....
  21. I am so scared that I might have an obsession. I was dating a guy for a couple of months. I started to really have strong feelings for him, because I felt comfortable around him and I thought we had a lot in common. Everything seemed cool, until we got until a disagreement (see the forum "I ruin a potential relationship"). He got mad at me and broke it off with me for a reason til this day has left me confused. Here it is almost two months later,and I still trying to figure out how what is going. He won't give me a clear answer on why he decided to quit the relationship all together. I keep hearing rumors about what he and others have said about the situation, but I want to hear whats going on from his mouth. Not a day goes by where I don't think about him and wonder what is going on. I didn't call him much during this time, but I tried callling him two separate weekends (a few weeks apart) several times, but he still won't talk to me. When I see him in school, I say very little to him and I try to not be in around him (even though it is hard to do in a small school to begin with), because I feel that he will think that I'm stalking him. The only thing I did that was off, was drive by his place, only because I'm confused about what happened and I want answers. I ended up just deleting his number from cell phone and took him off my contact list so I wouldn't be tempted to contact him, but I still think of him. I feel ike its gotten worse, because I sometimes start crying. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I've been in situations where a guy breaks up with me and I move on just fine. However, it scares me that this guy occupies so much of my thoughts when I've only know him since January. I even dream about him sometimes, too. I try to find stories that relate to my situation, but I can't. I think somethng is wrong with me. I really don't know how to let go and accept the fact that I may not get the answers I need. I'm really afraid. Please help me!
  22. First of all I would like to say a big thank you to everyone who has been giving me advice. It has been really helpful. To anyone out there who is a guest and not a member I recommend this site highly if you have just been dumped and are going out of your brain. What I have gathered from reading the posts on this forum is that the ex who did the dumping will call you if you use "no contact." This seems to happen in almost all cases. But why does the ex always seem to always call? Is it because they miss you? or out of curiosity? or what?
  23. My ex and I have been broken up for about 2 months now. The breakup was the hardest thing for me because my ex just wasnt happy and had met someone else that she said she already loved. She had sex with him the same night she broke up with me. Well, her and I talked about things 2 weeks after the breakup but then I just told her it was better we cut all contact because my feelings are still strong. Its been several weeks now with no contact in any form. I work at the same building as her too and I dont even see her there. She is doing her best to stay out of my life. So here is my thing. I have been doing fairly good at moving on- meeting new girls, getting numbers, and staying occupied by hanging with my closest friends. I even do the things that my ex and I used to do together such as gambling, dining at the restaurants my ex and I enjoyed, and even taking vacations. The problem I have been having is that I feel like I have been moving on, but every morning she is the first thing I think about. I have a dream about her every night. Sometimes it is of me beating the crap out of her new boyfriend, and others it is her and I back together. But every morning I think about her! And this has occurred every morning since the breakup! I dont really think of her when I go to bed, but what are my dreams telling me? I have come to realize that my ex and I were two different people all togther so that has helped me to move on. But, why am I still having these vivid dreams? These make it so hard for me to try to move on. Is something telling me that I miss her? Am I trying to cling onto false hope? Thanks for any feedback! Bryan
  24. Hey, I've maate sevearl girls over the past month or so... I usually meet them while there working at a retail store..I usually get into talking to them, they'll flirt and smile and have a constant eye contact with me...So hear comes the part of asking her phone number, which I do and usually, there willing to hand over there phone number to me...After few days, I would call them and talk to them for a while and ask them out on a date..But they eventually say there busy or some excuse..Is there something that I am doin wrong, or am I asking them out too early? Somebody please help me Thanx
  25. Hi, We have been in a committed relationship for almost a year, and I care a great deal about this girl. We have even been making plans to live together and eventually get married. However, I recently discovered an email from her exboyfriend that indicated they had been keeping in touch. I confronted her & she denied everything. The next day (Friday) she came over to talk and told me that they had gone out for coffee 2-3 times, and that the relationship was strictly plutonic. That same day we had makeup sex, and she stayed over the entire weekend. She assured me of her love for me and apologized profusely. She gauranteed me that she would immediately cut off all contact with him. We had a very passionate weekend to say the least. Well, it's the next week and my feelings of distrust have re-surfaced. It got to the point where I asked her to take a polygraph test yesterday to confirm her story and she is reluctant. This resulted in a fight. I don't know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.
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