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  1. So I've been best friends with "B" for 13 years. I'm 38 and she's a bit younger, 33. We are super close besties and she has been there for me over the years and I have for her. She has bipolar disorder and suffers from depression and anxiety. She was seeing a new psychologist and the psychologist said something like that she either has borderline personality disorder, or she has BPD traits. B was really angry that the psychologist was suggesting anything about BPD. She said the psychologist was a total a - hole and changed to another psychologist. The friendship has mostly been smooth sailing but there is one thing about B that really bothers me. I actually do see it as potentially a BPD trait but I'm not a doctor obviously. When B feels upset about something (sometimes imagined), what she does is she deliberately ignores your messages and sometimes won't reply for a number of days. So being passive aggressive and giving silent treatment. For example, one time we were texting a lot back and forth and I was replying immediately to all her messages. We talked for a while and at the end she said: "I'm feeling depressed today." I needed to do something so I accidentally forgot to reply. Then maybe 1 - 2 days later, I messaged her and said: "Hi, how are you going? How are you feeling now?" And I received zero response for three days. I messaged again and I said: "Is everything OK? Are you upset I didn't reply that you were depressed?" And she was like: "Yeah I was annoyed you didn't reply." So she ignored me deliberately but I was actually the one who reached out asking how she's doing. Also last year I was in the late stages of my pregnancy and she knew I hadn't really taken many pregnant photos of myself. We were going to a cherry blossom orchard and she said her boyfriend at the time was coming with his professional camera and was going to take nice photos of us. I thought I had noticed that since I got pregnant I wasn't hearing from her as much and she seemed jealous. I messaged her saying: "Hey sorry if I'm wrong but I just noticed I'm not hearing from you as much since my pregnancy." She texted that she was really hurt I said that, etc. I said well sorry if I got it wrong but I just got that vibe but maybe I was incorrect. Anyway, on the day of the cherry blossoms festival, she messaged me that she wasn't coming. Our mutual friend told me that she told him she wasn't coming coz she was mad at me and "we had a fight." I didn't even think we had an actual fight and obviously she didn't come to punish me and probably didn't want her boyfriend to take photos of me, as was originally promised. Anyway, fast forward to now. My Dad isn't that old but he's currently dying of late stage terminal cancer. We aren't that close coz he never took much interest in me. I always found this very hurtful and really wanted a relationship with my Dad. Which my best friend knew. My Dad became severely unwell but refused to go to hospital or allow anyone to come and see him. He was in very bad state and my Mum was doing 24/7 physical personal care for him and hurt her back. Finally he agreed to be hospitalised and they put him on morphine and all sorts of other things. He calmed down on morphine and said I could visit him. So I immediately rushed there and spent three days staying with my Mum and visiting my Dad in hospital. The doctor said he didn't have long left. So my Mum and I went to see two palliative care places and a church and cemetery. I wasn't really replying to my best friend much during that time. But I did let her know exactly what was going on. When I returned home I was messaging her and asking after some cats she's fostering. She asked me if I want to come over to see the cats. I forgot to reply for a day so she messaged saying she's not happy I didn't reply and she wants a yes or no. I said I'm sorry and that I hadn't been good at replying to people but I know that's not an excuse. I said I'd love to come see the cats. She sent me a message saying something like: "It's really hurtful that you take so long to reply to me. It makes me feel like you're not interested in me and especially if it's about me or my life. I already made other plans but I was just telling you how I often feel." I sent a bunch of messages in response saying I thought I was showing interest because I was asking her questions. But that it's true that I'd dropped off due to what was going on with my Dad. She didn't respond at all. A couple of days later I messaged asking would she be free to go for a Christmas picnic with our friends. She didn’t reply for 1+ days. So now I asked if I can discuss this with her on the phone or in person. She said we can have a phone call tonight. I'm actually really annoyed that she gives me the silent treatment. I want to set a boundary that it's not OK to do that. I think because of her mental health she sometimes takes things really personally and thinks it's about her or it's deliberate. I could be wrong but I think this might be why her last two relationships didn't work out. She said if she felt upset with her boyfriend, she deliberately took long to reply to his messages. And when her last boyfriend wasn't in the mood for sex, she'd be like: "Why don't you want to have sex? You don't like me and don't find me attractive?" But really he probably just wasn't in the mood at that particular time. What do you think I should say to her? I feel like I need to be careful what I say because she's really sensitive.
  2. Understanding Social Security Death Benefits: An Overview In the United States, the Social Security Administration (SSA) provides benefits to spouses and children of deceased workers who have paid into the Social Security system. These benefits, known as survivor's benefits, are a crucial part of the social safety net, providing financial support to families when they need it most. But the rules surrounding these benefits can be complex and sometimes misunderstood. The purpose of this guide is to demystify spouse benefits following a social security death. We'll delve into the specifics, examining lesser-known facts, and unpack the rules that determine eligibility, the amount received, and how to apply. To begin, it's essential to understand that Social Security isn't merely a retirement program. It's a family insurance plan that provides benefits to workers and their families in case of retirement, disability, and death. When a worker dies, their spouse and children may be eligible for survivor's benefits to help replace lost income. Knowing how this works is critical, especially when you consider that almost one in three 20-year-olds will become disabled before reaching retirement age, and one in eight workers will die before age 67, according to the Social Security Administration. The Basics of Spousal Benefits After Social Security Death Before we delve deeper, let's cover the basics. Spousal benefits are calculated based on the deceased worker's earning records. If a spouse has not yet claimed their own Social Security benefits, they are eligible for 100% of the deceased's benefits. If they have claimed, they can receive an amount that will supplement their benefits to reach the deceased's full benefit amount. But, there are age considerations to bear in mind. For instance, a surviving spouse can begin to receive full benefits at their full retirement age (FRA). If they choose to start receiving benefits before reaching FRA, the benefit amount will be reduced, with the exception for those who have a child under 16 or disabled from a condition that started before age 22, in their care. Importantly, these benefits are not automatic. They must be applied for, and the process can be compleIt involves proving your relationship to the deceased, demonstrating your eligibility, and navigating a bureaucratic maze that can be daunting, especially during a time of grief. Having a grasp of the basics can equip you to better navigate this journey. Now, let's delve into seven surprising facts about spouse benefits after a social security death. Fact #1: Spousal Benefits Can Apply to Ex-Spouses Divorce does not necessarily end a spouse's eligibility for survivor's benefits. As long as the marriage lasted for at least ten years, an ex-spouse could still qualify for survivor's benefits upon the death of their former partner. This is an often overlooked fact, but it can be of critical importance, especially for individuals who might have been relying on their ex-spouse's income. However, there are conditions. If the surviving ex-spouse has remarried before age 60 (or 50 if disabled), they cannot receive these benefits. If they remarry after those milestone ages, they can still receive benefits based on their ex-spouse's record. This, too, is a little-known fact that can dramatically affect people's lives. Fact #2: The Benefit Amount Varies Depending on the Age of Claim As mentioned earlier, the age at which a surviving spouse claims benefits can significantly influence the amount received. If they claim benefits at their full retirement age, they can get 100% of their deceased spouse's benefit amount. But if they claim earlier, they will receive a reduced amount. This reduction can be significant. For example, at age 60, a surviving spouse would only receive about 71.5% of their deceased spouse's benefit. This increases gradually each year until they reach their full retirement age. Understanding this can help individuals make informed decisions about when to claim benefits. Fact #3: Children Can Also Receive Survivor's Benefits Children can be one of the most vulnerable groups when a parent dies. Fortunately, the Social Security Administration provides benefits for eligible children of deceased parents. Unmarried children under the age of 18 (or up to 19 if they are still in high school) can receive benefits. In some cases, benefits can also be received by children who were disabled before age 22 and remain disabled. Benefits for children are 75% of the deceased parent's benefits and can be a vital financial support for the surviving family. It's a lifeline that, while not fully compensating for the loss, can provide some financial stability in a challenging time. Fact #4: Benefits Can Be Paid to Parents, Under Certain Circumstances Many are surprised to learn that under certain circumstances, a deceased person's parents can qualify for survivor's benefits. If the parent was dependent on their child for at least half of their support at the time of the child's death, they might be eligible for benefits. This provision acknowledges that older parents often rely on their adult children for financial support and that their loss can be financially devastating. However, this benefit is not without its stipulations. The dependent parent must be at least 62 years old and cannot have married since the worker's death. Moreover, they cannot be entitled to an equal or higher Social Security retirement or disability benefit based on their own work. This provision can be a significant relief for elderly parents who depended on their child for support. Fact #5: Lump-Sum Death Benefit A lesser-known benefit is the lump-sum death benefit. When a person who has worked long enough to qualify for Social Security dies, a one-time payment of $255 can be made to their surviving spouse, provided they were living with the deceased. This payment can also be made to a child if there is no surviving spouse. While this benefit may seem small, it can help cover immediate expenses after a death. This benefit often goes unclaimed, primarily due to lack of awareness, and can be a small but crucial support in a challenging time. Fact #6: You Can't Collect Both Survivor's Benefits and Your Own Retirement Benefits in Full Many people assume that they can collect both a survivor's benefit based on their deceased spouse's record and their own retirement benefit in full. However, this is not the case. Social Security will pay the higher of the two benefits, but not both. This can be a rude shock to people who are planning their retirement finances. However, there is a strategy known as "switching" that some surviving spouses can use. If you are entitled to both your own retirement benefits and survivor's benefits, you can choose to take one benefit first, then switch to the other benefit later. This is a complex strategy that should be considered with expert advice. Fact #7: Benefit Amounts May Be Adjusted for Inflation The Social Security Administration adjusts benefit amounts each year to account for inflation, a process known as cost-of-living adjustment (COLA). This means that the survivor's benefits you receive may increase over time to help keep pace with the rising cost of living. This adjustment is based on changes in the Consumer Price Index for Urban Wage Earners and Clerical Workers (CPI-W). In 2022, for instance, the COLA was 5.9%, the highest increase since 1982. While this doesn't guarantee that survivor's benefits will keep up with your individual cost of living, it does provide some protection against inflation. The Importance of Planning for the Unexpected Planning for the future is always wise, but it's equally important to prepare for the unexpected. The loss of a spouse or parent can be financially destabilizing. Understanding Social Security death benefits can offer some peace of mind that there's a safety net in place. While navigating Social Security may seem complex, having a grasp of the fundamentals can help. Remember, each situation is unique. It's recommended to consult with a financial advisor or a Social Security representative to understand the best course of action in your individual case. Now that we've explored these surprising facts, it's evident that the Social Security system plays a vital role in providing financial support to the families of deceased workers. Its complexity underscores the importance of obtaining expert advice and careful planning. Seeking Expert Advice and Planning Ahead Understanding the rules and provisions of spouse benefits after a social security death is not just a matter of intellectual curiosity - it's an essential part of financial planning for the future. The details can be complex, and it's easy to overlook critical facts or misunderstand the rules. For this reason, seeking expert advice can be invaluable. Financial advisors, especially those specialized in retirement planning, can help you navigate the intricacies of Social Security and develop a plan that maximizes the benefits you can receive. Furthermore, there are numerous resources available that provide information about Social Security benefits. The Social Security Administration's website is an invaluable tool, with detailed explanations, calculators, and contact information for SSA offices nationwide. Don't underestimate the value of early planning. Even if you're years away from retirement, understanding these benefits can help shape your financial planning and provide peace of mind. Conclusion: Navigating the Maze of Social Security Death Benefits The Social Security system is a vital part of the American social safety net, providing critical financial support to the families of deceased workers. However, it's also a complex system with many rules, exceptions, and caveats. Understanding these can make a significant difference in the benefits received by surviving spouses and other family members. The seven surprising facts we've explored in this article shed light on some of the lesser-known aspects of spouse benefits after a social security death. Armed with this knowledge, you'll be better prepared to navigate the Social Security system and maximize the benefits you receive. While it's a topic no one likes to contemplate, planning for the unexpected can make a profound difference in difficult times. By understanding the ins and outs of Social Security death benefits, you can help ensure that you and your loved ones are protected, no matter what the future holds. For further information on this subject, consider the following resources: 1. "Get What's Yours: The Secrets to Maxing Out Your Social Security" by Laurence J. Kotlikoff, Philip Moeller, and Paul Solman 2. "Social Security For Dummies" by Jonathan Peterson 3. "The Social Security Answer Book: Practical Answers to More Than 200 Questions on Social Security" by Stanley A. Tomkiel III
  3. Losing a mother can certainly take its toll on anyone's life, but it is an especially trying experience when a person's mother has given her life for her children. In such situations, guilt is bound to be one of the first responses, especially if the children "ghost" the mother, in other words if they turn their backs or ignore anything that might remind them of the loved one they have lost. This article will explore what one can do in order to cope with the emotions associated with surviving such a life-changing loss and adhere to the mother's legacy—the ultimate sacrifice she made in the name of love. It can be difficult enough to process through the various stages of grief without having guilt as an additional burden. The guilt that accumulates in this kind of situation stems from a strong belief that the children should repay their mother for the ultimate sacrifice she has made for them and, therefore, this debt should not be taken lightly. As much as some would like to deny the presence of such feelings, such is the power of guilt that it tends to seep into the consciousness of those affected. It may include the idea that the children failed to protect their mother during her lifetime, leaving them questioning why did they survive and she had to give her life and why are they not doing more to honor her memory afterwards. The answer to these questions can be as simple as this—because life is unfair, and sometimes our circumstances and choices are beyond our control. Although it is impossible to alleviate these feelings of guilt all at once, there are steps one can take to mitigate them. First and foremost, it is important to acknowledge the natural passing of time and its part in helping one comes to terms with such an overwhelming experience. Nevertheless, it shouldn't be seen as an excuse to simply forget about the losses that have occurred; rather, it should be seen as an opportunity to remember the beloved mother who was taken away too soon. Another crucial way to manage through difficult grief is thoughtfully making sure to connect with the mother's legacy. Experiencing sadness is one thing but turning it into something meaningful and empowering is another. One can do this by finding ways to remember the mother. Examples include, but are not limited to, joining organizations in her memory, volunteering for causes she valued, or simply talking about her and sharing stories with others. It can also be helpful to find creative ways to celebrate her life every now and then, such as setting aside a day to tell stories about her, honoring her by collecting pictures from family and friends, lighting a candle, etc. Doing so will not only help one remain connected to her memory and identify positive traits worth celebrating, but it will also serve as a reminder of the unconditional love the family has lost. Most importantly, it may be beneficial to remember that while ghosting the mother in a sense may temporarily provide a sense of relief, long-term solutions should be constantly sought. It is okay to take a break and grieve, however, closure is essential for healing and for allowing the family to adjust to a "new normal". This can be done in a myriad of ways, from building a shrine in tribute to the mom, writing a letter expressing all the emotions one is feeling, or simply seeking out a trusted therapist to talk about it. The goal should be to overcome the guilt associated with the mother's ultimate sacrifice, remember her legacy, honor her through loving memories, and continue committing to celebrate her life. Although it may still be hard to come to terms with the departure of a treasured person, it is important to recognize that the mother's love was still very much present in the lives of her children, and the possibilities to remember her are essentially endless.
  4. It is almost impossible to imagine the depths of pain a couple must face when their child has died. The unthinkable tragedy of losing a beloved child can leave both parents feeling overwhelmed and helpless in their grief. It is natural for both partners to experience the anguish, despair, and loneliness associated with such a profound loss. While it may be difficult, each partner needs to find ways to cope through this difficult period while also supporting the other partner in their own grieving process. When your partner is facing the loss of a child, they may need to be reminded that they are not alone in their grief. While it is OK to have different methods of coping, each partner should recognize that their spouse’s need for support and understanding is of the utmost importance. They should be there for each other in moments of sadness, holding each other up when the grief feels too agonizing to bear alone. It is particularly helpful for a couple to join a bereavement support group or to talk openly about their feelings with friends or family. They can also seek professional help from a therapist or counselor if desired. In the midst of their pain, it is essential for each partner to make time for self-care as well. Engaging in activities that help to alleviate stress can be therapeutic, even if the opportunity for joy or relaxation feels brief or non-existent. Whether it’s taking a walk, spending time outdoors, reading a good book, meditating, or listening to calming music, self-care can provide some much needed respite from the heaviness of grief. One of the most powerful ways to cope with the death of a child and support your partner is to create a support system. Whether it’s meeting regularly with friends and family, attending bereavement support groups, or simply talking with a sympathetic ear, it’s important to remember to reach out to those that can offer solace during this painful time. Creating a safe space through the aid of others can help to lift the burden a bit and lead to a greater sense of healing. Couples who have suffered through the loss of a child will need to grieve on their own terms. It is important to recognize that no two people will use the same coping strategies and it’s important to remain understanding and supportive when one partner’s healing process looks different than the other’s. As long as each partner takes the time to nurture themselves and finds solace in their partner as well as their support network, they will eventually heal. Despite the unimaginable pain that comes with the death of a child, it is possible to move forward, together.
  5. sorry for the upsetting subject matter bellow. i don’t know if i’m allowed to post this here. i’ve attempted in the past and failed twice. i took a bottle of ibuprofen a few years ago but all it did was make me sick for a couple days. i have very little prescription meds as well as about 48,000mg (two bottles) of advil pm. would that be enough to kill me? ive been incredibly nauseous lately so i don’t know if i’ll even be able to keep down half a bottle. are there any faster at home methods? i don’t have access to a gun or that would be my option. there aren’t any tall buildings or bridges close to me either. any response is appreciated
  6. I have gone through this before. Im on my 4th breakup with my ex. But the worst feeling in the world is having feelings for someone who no longer wants to be with you, hang out with you, see you or call you. It happened suddenly, I was not expecting it. I feel lots of pain, and though I wont do anything stupid the impotence is so much that I just wish I was dead in order not to feel this. Help me cope please. I miss him and want to move to his city and do anything posible to make it work again, but I know he has blocked me out and that there is absoultely nothing I can do to change it. I think of him every day, all the time. Pleople are getting sick of me, and there is nothing I can do to change his mind and make him love me. Help me please
  7. My boyfriend's mother died very suddenly and unexpectedly 5 months ago, leaving him an orphan at age 36. His mother had raised him by herself and his father had remarried but died just a few years ago. His stepmother and half-siblings stopped talking to him after his father died, so it was as if he suddenly had no family left at all. When his mother died, I was the first and only person he turned to, and I held him all night and listened to him talk. He had to fly to another state to take care of arrangements and I offered to go with him. He tried to book a flight for me but nothing was available, so he asked me to come in the future to help him pack up his mother's house and be at his side at the memorial service instead. I tried to be as supportive as possible over the phone while he was away. We were in frequent touch and he told me everything about what he was feeling and going through. But when he came home 10 days later, he was very distant and strange. He seemed confused and said he didn't know what he wanted. He abruptly said he needed to take a break from our relationship and asked me to leave his apartment. He said I had been the most wonderful and sweetest girlfriend and that he loved me but that he just couldn't be in a relationship with anyone during this time. But he also kept saying that he didn't want to make a rash decision and to give it some time. I knew I had to set my feelings aside and allow him whatever he needed, even though I was devastated. I tried to give him space but also still be there for him, so I'd occasionally (every couple of weeks or so) send a short and kind email or text message. I did speak to him by phone for about an hour a few weeks later and he told me that he felt like a basket case and couldn't sleep. I tried to go help him with his mother's house but he turned me back home after our flight landed. Finally, 2 months later, he sent me a very terse and cold email that simply said there was not a possibility of us getting back together and that he felt there needed to be considerable time and distance before we ever talked again. No explanation or any words of kindness whatsoever. He sounded so different from the person I once knew. I'm having trouble accepting that this could really be the end. I keep wondering if there was anything I could've done to prevent or save this - whether I wasn't there for him enough in the beginning, if I gave him too much space or not enough, if it was a terrible mistake to get on that flight to try to help him, etc. Everyone tells me that doing that was an amazing selfless act of love on my part and wasn't inappropriate, but it seems like he was upset and disturbed by my gesture, perhaps due to his mental state while grieving. I only had the best of intentions and it doesn't seem like it should be a reason to push someone you care about entirely away and just completely refuse to talk. It was as if I had wronged him deeply but I don't know what I did that was wrong. Over the months I've read so much about grief and tried to understand what he is going through, but I still can't understand how his feelings could have changed so drastically when we had a great relationship before and he always seemed so deeply in love and sure of our relationship. I know he had to deal with a harrowing and traumatic experience, but why would he turn away from my support and cut me out of his life without explanation when he can still treat everyone else in his life as normal? How can he not miss the life that we had together? We were in a serious relationship and the love we felt for each other should mean something and not just evaporate into thin air. Can anyone help me with insight as to why he might have done this and whether it's likely he'll ever come around with time?
  8. Over time I have discovered that I love writing .. poetry thoughts..love life death birth...many topics. Where is a good place to write anonymously ? I have been told blogs are the best way to write and develop that more. Advice thoughts recommendations?
  9. I always had disturbing dreams About your now faded smile Your blue eyes now turned to grey You stood there unmoving Unchanging with the seasons Your skin cold to the touch Somewhere between city escape and the boulevard of broken dreams You died inside I used to almost cave into my sorrow I tried to save you from drowning in your mind Your broken will to stay strong, too survive The darkness succumbed to all your needs I moved forward Taking with me a happier moment in time When you used to dance amongst the Suns rays Not let the rain weigh you down I take that still frame bliss with grace I now move on For you are just an old shadow on my wall Beneath the pale moonlight There was no saving you Only saving myself I broke free You no longer haunt me Written By: Lisa Ducharme
  10. When I told you, "I choose you over anything in this world" I was dead serious I need no reason to make that choice It's no love, it's no ideas It's no admiration It's just fate When the world stood against you I would stand on your side We would fight a thousand wars Challenge the gods and rule their heaven Even when you rush into a losing battle I would die before your knees touch the ground I thought it would last forever I thought we would keep sailing under your banner Like pirates on the shoreless sea Riding the tides of time without a care But the same fate that brought me to you Stole me away Dear Lord, isn't it irony? Our life is RPG without saving point Sometimes we win, sometimes we screw up We can learn, we can change But there are stuff that we can't undo There are scars that healing potion can't mend Our story is done here And like how it started There's no reason why it ends It's no love, it's ideas It's no differences or betrayal It's just fate
  11. I wake up at the dawn, searching for the warmth of your hips over my body. I want to kiss every bit of your skin, loosing my self with you in an endless passion ... I want to touch inch by inch your chest ,getting high on your breath, wrapped up in you,.living at the shadow of your breasts and feell the beat of your heart against mine. I want you to feell all of me trembling and giving me the luxury of burning in the fire of your body and stopping the time in our existence. I want to draw your smile in my mind,leaving my prints of this madness in your desires and drink every drop of it. I m thirsty for you,of closing my eyes and traveling to the heighest points of the horizon without fear of falling... I want you my love, without fear of an end without fear of the death...
  12. Hey guys! I have recently gone through a heart-breakingly sudden break-up and have decided to divert my attention to something I can control - myself and my goals. I am writing a novel/working on a project that I has been in production for nearly a year and a half now. I had since paused my working on it due to stress with my relationship/work, but have recently found the motivation to start again! If you're a fan of Stephen King/Tim Burton then my story will be right up your alley (think Sleepy Hollow)! Please give me your honest feedback! Thanks, guys! =) Prologue The echoing ring of silence came to an end, suddenly, as the horses began clacking their hooves with heightened determination. The whispering darkness became increasingly overwhelming as the moonlight, while ever persistent, struggled to penetrate the impossibly thick fog. The animals of the forest; the bats and doves, squirrels and muskrats, deer and moose, scurried away in fear as the men yelled to one another for guidance. Paths became bends, forks became paths, and bends became dead ends. The unusual, eerie atmosphere began eating away at the men’s confidence like termites feeding on a hollowed log. “Shouldn’t we hear them? Shouldn’t they hear us?” whispered one of the men, a once brave man now turned coward. As they attempted to navigate through the haunting, spiraling maze of trees and brush, a slight beacon of hope could be heard, faintly, through the sound of the stream’s rushing current. North; they were heading north. A small opening through the trees allowed the men to pass through, in pairs of two, into the curved streambed. There was a brief moment where the moonlight finally burst through, revealing the blackened substance that had polluted the river. The leader of the battalion, a tall, portly man named William, was the first to notice the bodies; “Who could do such a thing? We’ll have the head of the bastard who did this! Don’t let the horses drink! We’ll have to give them some of our own!” he exclaimed. The plagued water splashing against the jagged, aged rocks, nonetheless, created a beautifully calming melody as the horses leaped from stone to stone, trying to retain their rapidly fleeing stamina. The river, serving as a faithful guide, continued to lead the men northward, the reflection of the night sky dancing on its surface, illuminating what was once dark in the forest. The trees held a frightened appearance as if they, too, were trying to flee from the escalating madness that was taking place in the Western Woods. “There! Do you see them? Do you see them over there?!” William rhetorically questioned. The watchmen began to grow sickeningly aware of their situation as more and more yellowed glares revealed themselves through the blackened nothing that awaited them on the horizon. Their thumping hearts could be heard as the eyes, each holding a stare of hopelessness, grew larger and larger as the horses fearlessly stormed on. A brief perforation in the woods divided the battalion into two groups as they began scaling muddy slope after muddy slope, the mares desperately struggling to keep their footing as if their legs were wobbling stilts. Time seemed to crawl as the two squadrons finally reached the top of the incline; rest at last. Though the marsh proved to be a difficult climb, few men fell, and those who did were able to remount with esteemed pace, as if the ground was built upon springs. The brief pause in their campaign allowed the horses to quench their thirsts, a reward that was long over-due. The men, too, were rewarded, with a brief sense of relaxation, as they admired what used to be a beautiful landscape. It was not an appropriate time to reflect on their surroundings, however, as time was of the essence. They had to save as many of them as possible. The wind, once violently unpredictable, stood expectedly still, its roar shrinking to nothing more than a puppy’s growl, as they raced into the northern farmlands. The farms were vacant, their once green and golden crops being reduced to nothing more than grayed, ruined waste. The stench of death grew stronger as swarms upon swarms of flies began hovering above the rotten vegetation, feeding on their last ounces of existence as if to cruelly parallel what was occurring to the people of the forest. The only sign of life stood ragged through the fog in the form of a withered log-cabin. A dull glow swayed softly in the air, a lamp, in front of the structure, although its flame was stumbling for stability in the cool breeze. Its dancing, faded, light revealed a series of locks which secured the small cabin from intruders, ironic given there was no one left who would intrude. A quick shake was all it took to pry the door open as a cloud of old dust filled the doorway. Years of carelessness and neglect could vaguely be seen on the walls, through the thick dust, as the first few men made their first steps inside. However, before they could fully enter, a sudden cry of terror from the southeast halted their push forward. The signal came from the youngest of the group, a new recruit named Thomas, who had the misfortune of riding the battalion’s plumpest and slowest steed. His echoing cry was as true as the steel on his spurs when his eyes met one of theirs through the naked autumn trees; “NO! Why on earth is this happening?! What is wrong with her?!” he continued to cry. His fear stemmed not from his inexperience, but from an utter sense of disbelief as the thin, gloomy figure inched closer to him. The young girl, standing no taller than three feet, innocently smiled at him as her dull blonde hair fell over her white, colorless face. Her eyes had a lovely shape, though what color remained had been overwhelmed by a pale, gray yellowing hew, reminiscent of a crescent moon hiding behind storm clouds. Thomas could begin to feel the hairs on his spine standing on end as he struggled to make the right choice. His first instinct was to pick the girl up in his arms and rush her safely home back to her mother, while his second instinct was to reach for his rifle. “What is wrong with her? What in God’s name is happening?!” Thomas thought, his mind overwhelmed with emotion. A sudden ruffling of leaves was all it took to influence his decision. In a flash of instinct and uncertainty, the young girl was knocked into the air and, falling ever so delicately like a feather from the sky, into the cold, blackened river. Blood and adrenaline began to fill Thomas’ heart as he began realizing what he had done. His cry of regret filled the air, “Oh, no! What have I done?! Someone, please help! She is going to die!” The young recruit was faced with yet another fateful choice; to stand and do nothing, or plunge into the plagued water to save the child’s slowly fading life. Before he could decide the fate of the girl, a seasoned patrol named Edward came rushing to his aid, carrying a musket the size of an ore and riding on a glowing white stallion. His horse, named Marshmallow, danced through the thicket in a hypnotizing display of perfected acrobatics, its brilliantly white color emitting more light than even the stars themselves. A sense of urgency filled Edward as Marshmallow leaped logs, ducked under low-hanging branches, and tore through shrubs and bushes that tried to swallow the courageous duo. ---------- I have about twenty pages thus far, but I haven't edited through the rest quite yet!
  13. TUG O' WAR And so the reaper and I, we're in a showdown. Each of us standing on one side of my mother, And for every pull and tug his Deathness gives her I am there to pull her back and tell him NO! NOT TODAY. Yes, she will need to move on and I understand that. But whatever force of nature carried her through life Unscathed through so many things that would kill the rest of us Is still there living within me, burning like a flame I can't put out. I'm tired, she's tired, and then we see the look on Death's face, And we burst out laughing and vow to give the old bag of bones a run for his money. It's a stupid tug of war, but it's our tug of war, and we've never been women who behaved.
  14. When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in an Australian country town, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value. Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, They found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital. One nurse took her copy to Melbourne. The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas editions of magazines around the country and appearing in mags for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem. And this old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging accross the Internet. Cranky Old Man What do you see nurses? . . .. . .What do you see? What are you thinking .. . when you're looking at me? A cranky old man, . . . . . .not very wise, Uncertain of habit .. . . . . . . .. with faraway eyes? Who dribbles his food .. . ... . . and makes no reply. When you say in a loud voice . .'I do wish you'd try!' Who seems not to notice . . .the things that you do. And forever is losing . . . . . .. . . A sock or shoe? Who, resisting or not . . . ... lets you do as you will, With bathing and feeding . . . .The long day to fill? Is that what you're thinking?. .Is that what you see? Then open your eyes, nurse .you're not looking at me. I'll tell you who I am . . . . .. As I sit here so still, As I do at your bidding, .. . . . as I eat at your will. I'm a small child of Ten . .with a father and mother, Brothers and sisters .. . . .. . who love one another A young boy of Sixteen . . . .. with wings on his feet Dreaming that soon now . . .. . . a lover he'll meet. A groom soon at Twenty . . . ..my heart gives a leap. Remembering, the vows .. .. .that I promised to keep. At Twenty-Five, now . . . . .I have young of my own. Who need me to guide . . . And a secure happy home. A man of Thirty . .. . . . . My young now grown fast, Bound to each other . . .. With ties that should last. At Forty, my young sons .. .have grown and are gone, But my woman is beside me . . to see I don't mourn. At Fifty, once more, .. ...Babies play 'round my knee, Again, we know children . . . . My loved one and me. Dark days are upon me . . . . My wife is now dead. I look at the future ... . . . . I shudder with dread. For my young are all rearing .. . . young of their own. And I think of the years . . . And the love that I've known. I'm now an old man . . . . . . .. and nature is cruel. It's jest to make old age . . . . . . . look like a fool. The body, it crumbles .. .. . grace and vigour, depart. There is now a stone . . . where I once had a heart. But inside this old carcass . A young man still dwells, And now and again . . . . . my battered heart swells I remember the joys . . . . .. . I remember the pain. And I'm loving and living . . . . . . . life over again. I think of the years, all too few . . .. gone too fast. And accept the stark fact . . . that nothing can last. So open your eyes, people .. . . . .. . . open and see. Not a cranky old man . Look closer . . . . see .. .. . .. .... . ME!! Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within. We will all, one day, be there, too!
  15. by Poet Stevie Smith Nobody heard him, the dead man, But still he lay moaning: I was much further out than you thought And not waving but drowning. Poor chap, he always loved larking And now he's dead It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way, They said. Oh, no no no, it was too cold always (Still the dead one lay moaning) I was much too far out all my life And not waving but drowning.
  16. By Saidwhattha (N.G.) Transport of steel and flight The road of great escape When waking from the crash Lost traction made in the night Still wishing an arrow of direction Fleet footed the accident had won When freed from the crash The glass embeds it's mark Speed was the words spoken A map keyed in questions When walking from the crash No ones in the backseat waiting Hairpins taken on angered motive The Navigator lost the stars When crying from the crash Found bleeding on the shoulder Shotgun shock and withdraw Wrecked and silent admission When she saw him in the crash Guilt gut checked wheeling her away Tire-spun realized finality The aftermath and carnage of love's physics Rear-viewed memories of the crash The road side forever scarred All was left on that road Oil stained grave marker Living the crash Regretting her charge titled Pilot Her sleep hides in the curves Her Navigator, her love forever lost The crash is wrecking her insides It's force to much Everything is crashed Crashing in keeping When waking from Crashed
  17. Dear roommate, Here I am, sitting no more than 10 feet away from you, but it might as well be 10,000 miles. You'll probably never read this, or even come to know how deeply I have fallen in love with you, but alas that seems to be the fate of romantics the world 'round. No, I have no grand illusions about what might be hidden underneath your confident yet gentle facade. Everyone has their dark side, their mysterious past full of regrets and unrealized dreams. We all have that voice that reminds us that life is hard, that pain is constant, that it is easier to be cynical than hopeful, no matter how hard we try to ignore it. I'm sure that you are well-acquainted with your own doubting, pessimistic self. I'm sure that she manifests herself in the dead of night when feelings of fear and loneliness are at the forefront of your mind, when the world takes on a more sinister demeanor, when hope becomes that which is reserved for the fools of the universe. I have no doubt that you sometimes find yourself identifying with this voice, listening to her every word and pause, rudely ignoring the heroine of optimism as she lies dormant in the darkest recesses of your consciousness, desperately trying to wake herself from a slumber so deep. Of these things I am sure. But I am here, I have always been here, and despite all sh*tty things I do I would like to think that when the chips are down I would always be there to pick you up, dust you off, start again from scratch, over and over again. I know that our lives are swirling maelstroms of chaos, but at the end of the day, despite all evidence which would seem to indicate that romance died long ago, I believe in love. I have to believe in us, even if we never come to fruition. I have borne witness to hopelessness, despair, agony and frustration. With these things I am well acquainted. But I choose you instead. You, who represent all that is good about the female sex, whose laugh lights up my day more than you will probably ever know. You, who takes long showers after jogging and makes legendary cappuccino. You are flawed and human more than I will probably ever know. But I love you. I love every part of you. The you who gets angry when our wireless internet disconnects, the you who laughs at my stupid jokes even though they're not funny, the you who considers me a good friend. And if the only way to show you how deeply I love you is to let you go, then that's what I will do. But I am always here. I have always been here. You make our place our home. -S
  18. It has been years. I have returned to share a piece: Mind Apocalypse rain drops splatter loud storm thundering there goes my crown hit the ground crumbling life fades too fast check point throw coins free paid fines for the golden pass step back big sorrow steps bring back wasted time spent wish you would've went so fix the past f*ck it next time go no blind toughen up never deaf listen enough pilot mode on auto switch to grand theft audio red flash meant go until there's nothing really left yeah and here I am still standing with my sad face wife hates no place no bliss no grace all punk no poise no nothing no toys child cry broken empty harsh full tank words spoken drilled echo pain full noise heart pain burst feign silent dream shot flash brains car crash scream passed bad past revolution failed evolution big name waste clean waste bad taste that solution never came go wait empty plate spoiled humor fed stupor generational raid with a hint of blue sued turned red countless dead blank heads spoiled mind bow tie all blind no sight click it first class ticket short flight dead end free fall police calls violent fight no bed long nights riots bleed angry earth fed crowd moist wrong spilled splat blood web tears flow bombs off friends die moms cry fathers ask why pride ends kids fly white gates, locks, clouds shed loud wings storm in dark sounds pockets full posey stained fluent with a rose red cause what goes around comes around then we all fall down enough said
  19. Something we can all relate to at some stage in our lives, hope you enjoy it, my latest. No Shame in Crying To those who plead for another go, And the many who crave for a chance to grow, Tears of despair and hope filling their eyes, How admirable they may be for trying, There sure is no shame in crying. To the man on the street corner pleading for a simple dollar, Yearning for the donation of a passing by scholar, Aimlessly they appear to wander without a single care, Whilst the man's hopes of redemption are slowly dying, He sees no shame in crying. To the girl who simply seeks to eradicate adversity, a star in the making, Slowly her hopes and dreams are awakening, The whole world her stage, she's relinquished her lifelong facade, As her friends occupy their materialistic minds with each pair of shoes they are buying, She sees no shame in crying. To the men and women who witness the changing of lives, Of mothers, fathers, children, husbands and wives, Each day a symbol of persistent pride and triumphant tenacity, Their courage and service to humankind never denying, They see no shame in crying. To the teenage romantic who's doing it tough, Tired of being belittled and told they aren't good enough, The genuine battlers whose hearts are made of pure gold, Forget the doubters and keep on trying, Because there really is no shame in crying.
  20. When I was little boy, my parents bought a book about nature. It taught me many things, from collecting rocks to watching birds. Suddenly I wanted to be a biologist or a geologist. I wanted to travel the world, camp in the woods, watch the colors of the world. Then my parents bought another book about scientific facts and discoveries. With it I learned a lot about physics, from gravity to electricity. I was sure I wanted to be a scientist. I wanted to make cool inventions like the transistor or the telescope. Then my parents bought a computer. I started designing and programming. Everything could be created and tested virtually, without any consequences to the real world. I was going to be a great computer and software engineer. It was so cool to build anything out of nothing. Sometime after that, my sister started studying nursing and I read several of her books. Being a nurse was so cool. It was like being a biologist, a scientist and an engineer all at the same time, fixing ailments and creating wellness out of nothing. Time was running and I had to make a choice. I chose to be a nurse. I wasn’t completely happy with that decision, but I couldn’t spend the rest of my life looking for a career. I graduated. I got a job. I got married. My wife and I, we’re happy together but we still think we’re not ready for parenthood. Now I work as a full time ward nurse. I get to help a few people, some go home better, some die. It’s a job where half of my effort disappears with people. It’s an OK job. I do for people whatever they need at their worst moments in life but, sometimes, people go and I’m left with doubts. Every day I need an escape plan to forget the hospital. I used to come home and take care of my garden. I sowed all the grass, planted some trees and grew corn, tomatoes, watermelons and peppers. Due to some awkward and heavy tasks in my job, when I get home, my back and legs are in pain, so I don’t garden that often anymore. I had great fun playing videogames, imagining that I had free will, being a space soldier, saving the galaxy, romancing an alien. In the end, videogame writers managed to spoil five years of fantasy. I no longer play videogames. I find them repetitive, unrealistic, limited. It was time for a real hobby. I was going to be an amateur radio enthusiast. I bought a radio and started logging broadcast stations, ham operators and utility signals from all over the world. Very soon my radio died due to a static discharge on a very tiny chip. Shortwave stations around the world are dying too due to budget cuts. Religion is dead. People no longer gather together, there’s too much of everything – too many options. Technology is not connecting us, it is scattering us. Now I go outside at night leaving everything behind to look at the sky. I no longer look at it with the same awe. It’s just a huge black unknown filled with opportunities, wishes, dreams. It makes me feel unique but forgotten, unused. Suddenly, I understand. I am a stargazer. I am not meant to create, develop or imagine. I am only supposed to enjoy all that is around me. Time will pass. Generations will come. Everything and everyone will be replaced and forgotten. I'm just a forgotten stargazer.
  21. I missed it somewhere, some place, not viewable to the human eyes, not interpreted through the human brain I should of threw a spare, in this case, its not viewable through the human face Its not interpreted through so much space, its not viewable and not easy to replace this feeling of a waste of space, this feeling of the room closing in, getting smaller and smaller- Like being trapped inside an elevator, like hopeing and wishing to get off of it alive I always wish to hear from you late, while im waiting its a matter to survive Its a matter to get through this period of withdrawal, like a drug I can't let go I can't keep waiting, yet thats what I do, the time just becomes so slow like a clock that doesn't work, like a blinde person who needs Gods help to see I can't go on feeling so hurt I can't go on feeling so hurt I can't go on and if I do, Ill hurt myself and also you Picturing a bridge which is my escape driving 100 miles, ready to escape Ready to escape all the pain and agony inside, every thought of you and every fear of death escapes my mind in my car with the windows down, seat belt off, ready to drown I drive off the bridge, last thing I see is thoughts running in my head of you and me.... I slam my breaks, but it's to late this is the outcome of waiting, this is my fate--- __________________________________________ I'm bleeding and you can see that I am, yet you stick the knife deeper I am overwhelmed, and its because of you, i can't even look in the mirror without something to do with you I thought id be the everything inside of your life your soul companion, your future, your wife instead I seem to be just a toy that you like to play with playing with my life, my dreams, why can't i be the one you want to stay with? But on second thought, wish you'd go away, but as soon as you do, I beg you to stay and you cause me to love you again why can't you stop making my head spin why can't you accept everything i offer why don't you choose me instead of her?
  22. These times we shine through All the bad and the unforgiving too Where do we stand in the end, Is all of this too much to mend? We are better than we were before, Time has been needed and given, now how much more? Trying to be patient, and wait for answers, Feel like I’m dying, due to small cancers The love I have for you is immaculate I wouldn’t be me without it. When I think of who I want by my side, It is you, and, only to you I’ll confide.
  23. The mind is in meditation, without any motive, without any action, It is without directions, Without desires, Without illusions, Out of silence, comes the words, not touched by experiences of the past, Its a state of inaction, and therefore the only true action, Ceased now, all the images, all the devils, all the sages, its neither control, nor concentration, Pure observation, Pure attention In the state of emptiness, love resides, I have not found it, but will it be a surprise? out of total Death, comes new beginning, new life, new regeneration.
  24. This is the tale of two trees, two complete different types, with much in common. Both are considered chicken trees by some people. What is a chicken tree, what does that term mean? It is the term used for a tree whose usefulness is in doubt. It is a term used some, to justify their opinion on what constitutes the worth of a life. Two trees, two stories, one meaning. First Story/Tree The Walnut Tree In my yard there stands a Black Walnut Tree, It had been labeled as a chicken tree by some. I disagree; the tree to me is a symbol of strength and resilience and hope. It stands solitary, a lone reminder of the once proud grove to which it belonged. This tree has been topped, yet continues to grow. It has been hit several times by cars driven by drunken people who were visiting my neighbors, yet it still stands. It survived ice and snow storms, hurricane force winds, and droughts. Then this tree was struck by lightning, it seemed this was to be it’s death knell. With great eagerness, those to deemed this tree to be a chicken tree, circled around like sharks and consorted with one another on how to dispose of said chicken tree. I great cry rose up from within me, “No, this is my tree and I say leave it be”. I wrestled with those who opposed me over the fate of the tree, “Its dead they said, an eye sore at best, if you let us take the tree, we’ll share the money with you, you’ll see it’s for the best”. I couldn’t understand why the urgency, this tree was not in the way and of no harm to anything or anyone, to me, it had been a living symbol of strength and hope. I couldn’t give up just like that and turn my back; I had to fight for mine and its rights. I prayed, cried, begged, and pleaded; and in the end they conceded. We had a year, the tree and I, a year for a significant show of new growth. My heart sank, hopeless I thought to myself, but never the less tended the tree. Spring was on our heels, what would it bring, the answer literally meant life or death for the tree. As the days rolled on and Spring marched in, the day of reckoning was at hand, would the new growth the tree produced be sufficient? As I anxiously awaited the verdict of self-appointed judges , I prepared myself for the worst and was preparing myself to bid my beautiful symbol of strength and hope goodbye. As the judges bussed around the tree, the disappointment was apparent on their faces, could I dare to hope, did this mean what I thought it could mean? It was time, one chose to be the speaker for the rest, “We have decided to leave this tree be, for the time being.” Oh joy unbound, my tree was safe for the time being, my prayers were answered, my symbol for hope and strength continued to stand the test of time. Note, this story can be taken many ways, no I don’t worship trees, it was merely a symbol that I identified with and viewed it as bearing the characteristics of strength, hope and resilience. Strength in the face of adversity and hope; hands held high, always reaching upward and outward, even though times of great darkness and devastation. This tree is a reminder of the things I hold true, a reminder of those whose lives bore witness to these truths, people I’ve known personally and people I heard about. I am grateful for these things. The story of the tree is based on a the true story of a tree, it was hit 16 yrs ago by lightning and by all appearance was dead, by the next Spring it did indeed bear new growth where none was visible before. This tree still continues to grow and produces much fruit for one black walnut tree. Rosel
  25. He sat under the tree in deep meditation, He was determined to find out the truth or else never open his eyes again, He wanted to end suffering for him and for all, He wanted to determine the causes that one couldn't forestall, He was born as a king and yet he left all his kingdom, He had a wife and a son and a world full of possession, He saw sickness, old age and death and started questioning, Why does the world suffer and what is its beginning, Then he saw a monk who seemed happy and content, And he started the journey towards that which is hidden and latent. He suffered long and hard in this great discovery, He begged to have his meal, but it was no misery, He learned the art of silence, from the teachers he came accross, But never became satisfied as it did not cure the loss, So he decided in the end to walk on this path all alone, Be a light into oneself and do not ever become a clone, He saw others fasting, and he did the same, He ate so much less that he became lean and mundane, He realized that its a waste and had the milk from a boy, He accepted the service of the lady who wished him best of luck for future joy, And then he sat on the sheet of straw under the tree in deep meditation And he saw truth all at once and the beginning of compassion I bow my head in reverence at your feet, O' lord of compassion, You are the first human being to shatter the conditioning of a thousand years, all the suffering, all the possession.
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