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  1. Through a series of awkward events I have a suspicion my male coworker (let’s call him Ash) thinks that I like him. Which I do not, he has a family and I respect that boundary entirely. I really don’t know how to handle this either. My work place has always been an odd and uncomfortable environment due to a lot of people being two-faced and super gossipy. So I generally opt to keep to myself and just talk about work. In my industry we work in pairs to accomplish assignments and I believe my partner is a narcissist sowed the seed for all this drama. We’ll call her Narc for the story’s sake. I got assigned to work with Ash this was my first time working with him. We worked on a couple projects over the span of two weeks. Every time we were working on Narc felt the need to butt in with personal stories while Ash and I were just trying to finish the assignment. Whenever Ash was gone Narc kept randomly bringing up that her planner design reminded her of Ash’s kickball team and kind of hinted that I should tag along with him to one his games. I kept shutting it down every time she brought it up. I thought to myself this is a man I just met, I have no rapport with, and he has a family (she knows this). It just seemed so out of left field and weird. *Narc also keeps bringing up the idea of dating coworkers which I always tell her I don’t sh*t where I eat. I even told her that most of the guys here are relationships and her rebuttal was that “guys that age are always in relationships so it isn’t a big deal”. She’s single and 17 years my senior I feel that she just wants to see a train wreck. Then one day while Ash and I are working Narc walk over with her planner in hand and says “Hey Ash this planner reminds of your kickball club you should bring her with you next time”. Then Ash immediately replies with an awkward laugh and says “Oh that’s where I met my current girlfriend of seven years”. I follow up with “yeah I’m not too interested in outdoor sports and I don’t have much free time”. There was an awkward silence then he left. After that he started avoiding me and keeping convos short. Out of respect and optics I did the same, I wouldn’t be rude or anything I’d say hello and smile if I see him in the hall but that was it. I changed my routes around the building to avoid him and put on my headphones when he’s close so people wouldn’t try bring me in conversation they were having with him. It’s been months probably closer too a year now and even though I’ve done all this things still feel off, more so with other coworkers other than Ash. - I Just feel the eyes on me whenever he was near - New people and people who I barely knew kept bringing up his name to me. (Usually after they start hanging out with his group) - I had to help out Ash and his partner, Ash was sick and his partner said to me “As long as you don’t make out with him you should be good” - Another one of his friends would laugh and pat his back and walk away whenever he sees him talking to me - His friend group ignores me when I ignore him and is friendly when I’m friendly towards him. I honestly don’t know how to handle this I really don’t like the optics of looking like I’m a home wrecker. I wonder if I should’ve said something earlier when the kickball thing happened, it could’ve made worse. Even with what his friends are doing it’s all subtle if I call it out I’ll look crazy. I just miss being a wallflower everyone ignored. I’m currently looking for a new job for many variables including this one but it’s been rough my industry is still recovering from pandemic.
  2. For context, I am a woman, mid-30s and my boyfriend is 43. We have been together for 2 years and live together. Around a week ago my boyfriend told me about a co-worker who said she was going to watch a live true crime podcast. I assume he told me because I enjoy listening to true crime podcasts. Cool, never heard of that particular podcast, may look it up. Even told him, “Hey, she and I should be friends.” Since then, he has been bringing her up here and there in normal conversation. He does occasionally talk about his co-workers so this wasn’t that unusual until I saw some messages they had exchanged through Teams. (As far as I know they do not text outside of work-approved communication). I noticed that she asked him if he would be coming to work in person or working remotely one day. He said he would be working from home and asked something like, “Am I going to miss you?” then told her it was okay for her to use his desk while he wasn’t there. He also told her she could help herself to any snacks at his desk. Her response was something like she wouldn’t force anyone to come into the office just to see her and if she wanted to see him she would start a meeting and have him turn on his camera. He then told her she is a “treat.” She replied that she would make a wallpaper of pictures of her and put them all over his office area. This sounded like flirting to me so I told him about my concern. We talked about it calmly and he said he didn’t perceive it that way but since I am uncomfortable with it he will be more mindful of how he interacts with her. He also told me he has referred to other co-workers as “treats” before because they are pleasant to work with. When I asked why he suddenly had been talking about her so much, he said he didn’t realize he had been but admits to thinking about her recently. I asked him why and he said because they had worked together on a project at their employer. He also said he thinks about his male co-workers also. I even asked if he thinks he might have a crush on her and he said he didn’t. The other day she asked him what he was dressed as for Halloween after he messaged her about a work-related issue. She then mentioned that she would be in the office one day coming up and again he told her to sit at his desk because he would not be there since he is working from home that day. He has insisted there is nothing to it and he doesn’t think of their interactions in any particular way. I am trying to make sense of why I am feeling so insecure about this situation. Any ideas?
  3. For context, I work in a paramilitary type job where dating coworkers is not allowed. I am a good looking female in my 30s (in terms of beauty I’m 8-9 out of 10 depending on the day). I’m a kind, introverted person and my work performance is average, nothing special. the guy I like is a couple ranks above me and we work closely together. he is good at his job but has his own flaws like me. But again we work together in an official capacity and there’s definitely a power imbalance. He’s considering leaving the job soon, and I’ve hinted to him that I like him and he’s gotten the message. My gut feeling says that he’s interested but can’t show it (or doesn’t know the extent of how I feel) but again I’m not sure. I am considered to be very good looking and many people in general would call me a catch. Me and him have various things in common (music and tv taste, introverted and rebellious personality) but the fact that he’s seen my mistakes at work (successes too) makes me skiddish. how do I got about getting him to date me?
  4. Sorry it's quite a long post. I am 29 male from India. I used to work as a software engineer in a startup (left two months ago). Last year in November an attractive young woman (25) joined my team as Account Manager. We were all WFH , and it was an early stage startup so all of us used to interact on company groups on WhatsApp. I was senior engineer, and my team had no lead, so I was kind of leading the team. It was a B2B startup and we had MNCs as our clients who would tell Account managers about issues with our products and account manager would call me. Which means she would call me. Now I have never been in a serious relationship in my life till now . When I saw her dp on WhatsApp, I was happy that atleast something interesting is happening in monotonous work life. But I was senior guy in company so I tried my best to be professional in all our conversations. She was quite outspoken, confident, talented MBA grad fresh out of college. And I am introverted shy kind of guy. But we had common interests like movies, tv series etc so sometimes conversation would drift in that direction. And I would crack jokes sometimes which she would laugh at and life was good. On call , she would tell me sometimes about issues and conflicts she faced at work . And I would listen and wonder why is she telling this to me. Then we started having personal conversations on WhatsApp which were mostly initiated by me. Normal stupid messages like have you seen this movie ? Etc. Etc. I guess no wonder how hard you try, your desparation comes out in some form :(. She would reply to most of them but the replies were not that enthusiastic. Obviously we were both working so I didn't mind. And she would rarely initiate personal conversations with me . To which I thought, hey I m senior guy, maybe she is bit intimidated to initiate. Just when I started liking her, one day she informed me of her resignation. She had some conflicts with the senior management. It was bold move as she had no offers, but she was quite determined to get a job within 2 month notice period. I was quite sad, but I felt for her. So I would sometimes ask her about her preparations and upcoming interviews and would give her some advice. I don't know whether it was me trying to help her as a friend, or using it as an opportunity to just chat with her. Maybe it was bit of both. Then one day we had to test out some website we had developed. I asked her to check, it was bit urgent. I personally messaged her to test. She didn't reply. So I posted on the main group. Then after sometimes she replied on the main group. I was bit angry. I asked her. She apologized saying she was preparing for interview so was busy. I thought *** is happening to me. Why I am getting angry over small stuff. I am sometimes very impulsive and the next morning I thought it's better to just tell her that I had feelings for her and get this over with. I thought I had no chance anyway, so just telling her would lift off this weight from my chest. I just said that I had a crush on you, and she very politely declined saying that she saw me as good friend and she was bit surprised by my confession as she saw me as an introvert . And btw my WhatsApp DP was some Monae painting. Which means she had no idea how I looked. lol So after that she worked there for 3 weeks . We had just professional conversations on main group. Also the founder of company told business side not to directly call tech people in case of any issue. So we had no interaction on call after that. I called her up on her last day at the company. She was quite elated as she had gotten a pretty good offer. I congratulated her and told her that I would miss working with her. I was in very vulnerable state then and was expecting her to say something. And she said that I could message her anytime. Which slightly irritated me a bit. It sounded like a consolation. After saying bye, I was very disappointed. I started blaming myself again for being too desparate. And I decided that I am not going to v her again. Ever. 4 months have passed since then and I too left the company for some other reason. I didn't even serve the notice period. I was jobless for around two months. Have just got an offer and I have put up a decent DP too :). In these 4 months there is not a single day I haven't thought about her. We are connected on WhatsApp and on LinkedIn. Tell me , is it too outlandish to expect her to message me ? My ego stops me from sending messages. But I am bit perplexed. I always treated her nicely. Maybe she could have asked me how I was doing? Should I message her ? If anyone has managed to read till here, would love some advice. Because I am not able to move on. Women folks! Please offer your wisdom:)
  5. We work together on a couple of projects. Known each other for 2 years. We are in a sense best friends at work, where we have breakfast lunch and occasionally dinner together. Both of us are married. We acknowledged the existence of our partners and do talk about them in passing comments. We talk a lot, work and personal, on both work chat and texting since we exchange numbers. Started out only during work hours and business days, but weekend we give each other space. As we get to be more comfortable with each other’s presence, conversations increased… past work hours and on weekends. We talk about random things through out the days; some days, he became my ears when I’m frustrated with work, and vice versa; while some days we share things we found online that makes us laugh and discuss the plan for the day when it’s worth sharing. We go out for drinks after work every chance we got, just the two of us. We are comfortable with each other where we prefer to just hangout without the others. A few weeks ago before I took leave of absence for carer leave, I confessed to him that I am developing feelings for him. I explained in such a way that hopefully makes sense as to why it is what it is. However, I don’t want to/ feel comfortable to discuss this with him beyond my confession but I figured it’s best if we talk and he agrees, with confusion written all over his face. I fear even acknowledging whether he dislike or like me. Just the thought of what may come of it scares me so I babbled my way out of this, and did not let him speak to the point where we both have to engage some other way to be coherent. I told him that I am uncomfortable to even talk about this because this confession brings trouble to our friendship, but I am in a state where I want to share without expecting anything back. It is relieving, and I felt comfortable sharing given how transparent we are to a degree that felt safe. I have not chatted him since, and he respected my privacy as per my request to not talk about it until we see each other… unsure when that will be given that my carer leave can be anywhere between 2-4 weeks, depending on situation. What should I do, and what should he do? I am definitely in the wrong to confess, but I’m also looking for some affirmation that our relationship at work has surpassed what is normal, and in a sense want an escape hatch whenever things get stressful at work/home. I hope what I shared provide some perspective to have your help to either reason out of this mess or help me consider trialing fwb - if the latter, how should I approach?
  6. I need to give a lot of context here so I'm sorry if this is long. Also, it may be a lot of rambling that's all over the place so sorry again. So I have a crush on a coworker. He's really nice, understanding, and we have A LOT in common. He would stop by my office or I would go by his and we would talk for the longest time about everything. He and I both just so happen to be really good at keeping eye contact so when we talk, he is usually staring at me directly in my eyes. There have been times when I caught his eyes wandering and there were times where our eyes would meet. For example, one day I was just coming to work and I was driving in the parking deck to the third floor. He had just got out of his vehicle and he locked eyes with me as I was driving up the parking deck. We both are a little shy around each other. We haven't touched once (meaning a gentle touch of the arm or a hug). Also he just recently broke up with his gf (like last week) so this whole time has been just he and I having friendly conversations (out of respect of him being in a relationship). Well, today is his last day here (he is transferring to a new job). Friday, I asked him to stop by my office before he left for the day to say goodbye. He waited until the end of the day (when most of the office was gone) and came by. I told him how happy I was that I got to work with him and I'm going to miss him. He proceeded to thank me for being real and for being a good friend. I gave him a congratulations card. In that card, I wrote a little note that basically said "thank you for being a good friend. I'll miss you" blah blah. I also included my contact information. When I gave him the card, he told me he would read it later and not in front of me because that would be "awkward" lol. No text or email or anything over the weekend which is fine. Well, today, he stopped by my office and gave me HIS number on a note that said if I need anything to contact him. Weird. I did not expect that especially after I just gave him my number. Am I crazy for thinking any of this stuff means anything? Should I use his number? Help. TL;DR: My crush gave me his number unprovoked after I gave him mines in a greeting card. What does that mean and should I use it?
  7. hi this isn’t exactly relationship advice but i don't know where else to post this and don’t know what else to do. so i work at a country club and a few weeks ago a new banquet captain was hired. and over the short amount of time he’s been here he’s put his hands on multiple of the women employees (some underage, including myself). usually he’ll touch or grab our waists or just our backs, he’s put his hands on my face before too. it makes us all feel really uncomfortable and multiple of us have told him to stop before, which he hasn’t. he also calls us all sweetheart, baby, cutie, etc. he’s also straight up told me i was cute before and told me i was being seductive to him when i told him to “come here” in the most normal way possible. i’m 16, he’s 30. this is just everything that has happened to me so far and i couldn’t even tell you all the things he’s said or done to the other girls in the workplace, some as young as 15. but, what my main concern and breaking point really is is that he said racist things to one of the black employees, calling him a “colored person”. i only found this out today but apparently this took place only a few days after this guy started. this is everything that has happened in a matter of about 3 weeks and i’ve gotten to the point where i don’t want to work with him anymore because he disgusts me in every way possible and makes me feel extremely uncomfortable to be around. i like my job and all of my other coworkers besides him so i don’t want to quit but i don’t know what to do. do i try reporting him to the general manager? what do i even say and how do i put it into words? i just want him out of this place because its making my job an uncomfortable environment, and not just for me. i don’t know if they would be hesitant to fire him since he is the banquet captain.
  8. Going through quite an immense crush on a work colleague right now, I need to let this out. And I will ask her out one day soon A lonely desk, time so precious, Each day comes, each day goes, But thinking of your smile, of the time we may next meet, Admonishes the agony, washes away the woes. Deadlines a dash, impossible tasks to tend, I gain strength through your smile, now there's hope, A point to each problem, a method to the madness, At the start of every Monday morning there is a way to cope. Our talks may now and then be trimmed, As we immerse ourselves within the confines of our drastic demands, But nothing will ever give me more pleasure, Than the thought of one day walking with you, hand in hand. If only there were a way, corporate world be damned, To let you know how much I appreciate the simple, special sanctuary of your smile, Surely there is no wrong in how I feel, For even if there were to be, this boy isn't going anywhere for a long, long while.
  9. Listening to you on this phone, Telling me what you've done, Needing the solace of anothers' voice, As you reach the end of your run, It might be what I volunteered for, That dosent mean I won't mourn you, The fact we've never met in person, Dosent make your death less true, Ragged breathing growing raspy and weak, You're sensing the ending near, Why didn't you call and talk to us, When you were thinking clear? Instead leaving it 'till far too late, To tell us that you're blue, It make's me cry, I'm human also, And it'll kill your family too. Dedicated to my friends and colleagues.
  10. I'm new to this forum but I hope someone can help me out here. I posted this in Getting back Together but am taking some advice and posting it here also. My boyfriend and I had been together 3 years, living together 2 yrs, by far the best years of my life. Summer came and we had to be apart. Despite good intentions, things went downhill. After staying up all night drinking with a former interest from high school (nothing happened but I still felt guilty), I decided I couldn't take it anymore and broke up with my boyfriend. We had serious communication, or lack thereof, issues, I had commitment issues (my first serious relationship, scared me a lot), and in an inebriated state believed I could like someone else. I felt horrible breaking up with him and took just a few hours to realize the mistake. I spent the next six days or so trying to get him back. I wrote huge long emails to tell him how sorry I was, that it was a mistake and we just needed to work on things, I still loved him to death, etc. Calls to him were unreturned. I got one email on the fourth day from him saying he wasn't giving up on us but needed time to think. Finally on the sixth day I received an email from him saying he had spent all of the previous nights with a coworker (he worked at a summer program, so he lived with his coworkers), but no sex. He said he made a mistake and that although this was an unfortunate way to realize it, he realized that I am the only girl he ever wants to be with. The thought made me physically ill that he had been sleeping and hooking up with this girl the entire time I was desperately apologizing. When I received the email I did the only thing I could think of - I called him. I went into a raging fit about how I wanted to marry him and have his kids, and he has now ruined all of that. His response was a sobbing apology, over and over, about how if he had known that none of this would have happened. Fast forward. We worked things out and are living together again. I have told him how much I love him, how dreams of our future together were scaring me to death (I used to hate kids but now I want his), etc. He apologized over and over for giving up on us by being with someone else, and our communication issues are no more. Of course there is a 'but' to this matter. I cannot get over that he slept with this girl. I feel as though he ruined our 'innocence' that we had together, the purity of the relationship is forever tainted. Never in a million years would I have believed he would have done something like this, and so I have lost so much hope in our relationshp. Every time there is the slightest disagreement I worry he is going about how he will react. I already was not fond of this summer program simply because it forces us to be apart every summer, but now everytime someone asks about it I can barely hear the answer ebcause I am so heartsick about what happened. He plans on doing this for at least another year or two and the most casual "why can't you just not do it" sends him on a rant about how much this program did for him when he was a kid. Then there is our physical life too. Before this summer, it was top-notch. Now it is difficult to be intimate, because just getting to the steps of being naked makes me think of what he did when he was hooking up with this other girl. We have had the same conversations over and over about this summer, he is sorry, I am having trouble letting go of the past. It is getting tiring. Point is, from an outsider's view, I feel as though it is certain that I am in the wrong and I just need to let things go. However, being me and inside my own head, I am finding that so much harder than I thought it would be. I would love any advice, as this issue is beginning to tear us apart and that is the last thing I can handle right now. Sorry for the long post.
  11. First off, i am 18 years old and i feel disgusted with myself at the moment because as of yesterday, i have slept with 7 guys. To some people it is a big deal, to others its not, but to me..it is. I have been in one serious relationship in my life (16 months)...which in all honesty i wasnt very serious about because i slept with 2 of the 7 guys while i was with my boyfriend. I'm not the type of girl who can just sleep with someone, without feeling anything or getting attatched, either. I slept with a coworker of mine in october..and i thought we could hit it off. Nope. I slept with another coworker of mine last friday...and i thought that WE could hit it off because he has alot in common. Nope. I always go and sleep with the guys and then that ruins everything because i have learned that most guys arent going to want a relationship with a girl who "gave it up" so easily. I dont know if i am just attracted to the wrong kind of guys..or if i am just a pathetic, desperate mess. My friends have told me that i am just falling for the guys who tell me exactly what i want to hear. The guys i have slept with were all pretty boys..you know. Which is why in my head, i think i felt so attracted to them and wondered to myself if a relationship could develop. I guess what i am getting at in the post, is that i dont know why i sleep with all these guys. I feel like i really get to know them because we talk about EVERYTHING for days/weeks before anything happens. The last guy i slept with, we had an 8.5 hour phone conversation which is why i think i developed feelings for him and felt like i really knew him. How do i control myself? I love dating and having fun with guys..but i always end up feeling hurt and used. I know i will probably get the typical response.."just control your hormones because you are only 18." But i think i need a little more insight..i feel like it goes deeper than that. Help?
  12. OK, so my squasi-in-laws (sisters and mother) are throwing me a shower at my place this weekend. It's coed and previously, I had only intended for my family and really, really close friends to be present. But I have been informed by a coworker that my work is throwing me a surprize bash to, and frankly, I didn't want to send out invites to a shower to workmates because I thought it might look like I was ASKING for gifts. I guess after inviting four workmates to the party, I feel compelled to invite them all (because feelings so often get hurt). Now, my question is, would you do that (this is TWENTY-FIVE people)? It's actually possibly MORE, but hmmmm, what should I do? SLIPPERY SLOPE INDEED and the party is in only four days!!! THANKS IN ADVANCE FOR YOUR HELP! I kinda wanna make a decision thsi morning. By the way, I was told it would be fine to invite others.
  13. ok, so im really frustrated with my coworkers now. both are married and about 25-27. and they start talking about how women are supposed to have all of their children by the time they're 30. i realize that there are some risks associated with having children after that age but i was offended, especially since these words were coming out of their mouths (both claim to be very open minded people). part of the reason i was offended was because i am 26 and single and doubt ill have children by the time i'm 30. and not just that, i would hate to rush into something like having a child with someone i'm not completely in love with just to make sure the child is healthy. wouldn't you rather have loving parents than parents are only together in order to have kids before they're "old and dried up"? also, several of our coworkers are older and single and some have kids. and, in this day and age with better healthcare resources that are pretty widely available, how can you say something like that? what drives me crazy is that in the aisle next to us are very religious people, who are all single and in their late 20s and mid thirties and would never dare make an offensive comment like that. yet these "open minded" coworkers are always disagreeing with them about things and criticizing them. i'm pretty liberal and laid back adn completely disagree with my "open minded counterparts" on their views of childbirth and marriage. i feel like they're fake open minded. i wish i knew how to approach my coworkers and either avoid this topic or to better argue my point.
  14. I'm asking especially those who are in careers or are typically very busy and organize their daily lives with schedules. Preferably, I would appreciate the opinion of people in corporate environments but not only. Do you ever feel as if you lack the freedom of discovering new things (passions, opportunities, artistic and cultural interests) spontaneously, i.e. "by chance"... since you always have to follow a routine, have to be on time, and have no liberty to "look around"? Do you sometimes feel as if your personal interests (in arts/culture/entertainment) slowly become obsolescent as you climb your career ladder? Last question: Is anyone of you in a job and engages in free-time activities that are entirely different from those typically done by your colleagues?
  15. There is this lady I like at work. I would like to gauge how she feels about me. This girl is really cute and she seems pretty bright. She has a good sense of humour and a very distinctive laugh. The exchanges vary. I don't know if one of us is setting the tone. Sometimes we will talk to each other and have friendly exchanges, and I will crack a joke and she will laugh, but other times we walk by each other and don't even look at each other. Sometimes, I see her smile at me and I smile back and vice-versa. Sometimes, we walk by each other and we are barely looking at each other but I would make a sidwise glance at her to see her looking at me for a second and then looking away. One time, I was getting a water out of the soda machine and I looked back and saw her, gave her a shy smile, which she returned, then I got out of there. Then there are the times we joke. When we were at a going-away party for another coworker she and I talked a little and she dared me to down a small glass of beer, which I did. We have joked about a movie we both like, "Office Space", and both have an interest in politics, which we haven't discussed with each other yet. She'll notice when I get a haircut. I just get so shy around her and I have always been shy around women. We have our moments, and then things shut down again and I don't know.
  16. I wonder if anyone has experienced this with someone: the person who is wonderful, perfect, empathetic, and your best friend when right in front of you, and yet a jerk at a distance? I'm friends with a colleague who works on the other side of the country, and every time I get sent to his office we are like, best friends. We go out together, we laugh, we discuss office politics. He's so close to me at these times and there's no-one in the world I'd rather speak to. But at a distance... his emails are cold, on the phone he is stilted and can't talk about personal stuff. He gave me terrible, horrible advice about the recent break-up with my boyfriend which shocked me so much I had to quickly hang up the phone. My question is this... how can he be a *totally* different person when I'm not with him?
  17. In work I get on with most people but I've never had a good rapport with this one guy. I find him over the top, attention seeking and annoying. I've never said so to anyone at work because most like him because he's outgoing. Most of the guys humour him whereas I just try and get on with my work. He finds me a bit annoying too and prefers people who can follow up his one liners with a witty response whereas I'm quieter and not fantastic at the one liners. Unfortunately for me he is fast becoming the main guy in the office on a social level. He is now best friends with my best friend in work which as you can imagine is awkward. They are meeting up outside work and socialising but I'm not included because, in my friend's eyes, I'm not fantastic at drinking. Obviously my work colleague is glad because I'm never involved. He is now moving into a house near work with three other people including one other work colleague and my work friend's best friend. This again is helping him get a hold over things. This weekend I believe is his birthday and before he left he couldn't resist saying 'I'll see some of you tomorrow night (for the birthday bash) and the others I won't see I'll see on Monday'. Obviously he never invited or mentioned this to me and then proceeded to invite one of the elder staff members out to his birthday party -basically only to make a point of inviting someone else in front of me. There were only two of us left in work then and again he said 'I'll see some of you tomorrow night and the others I won't see I'll see on Monday'. He is so catty and * * * * *y with his remarks, always looking to leave me out of things. Yeah OK we don't get on fantastically but is there a need for these * * * * *y schoolgirl type remarks and actions? I have never given him the satisfaction of saying something or being jealous or acting left out when he's been inviting my best friend at work out because I don't want to give him the satisfaction but oh boy he's still trying his best... I can see the workplace soon becoming his gang (apart from me) and I really want to get out before this happens while I've still got some friends left. I know he'd be delighted if I left which would mean he would win but it's not something I want to stay around for. Any advice on what I should do? Please..
  18. So my girlfriend got a new job today, she and I are both very excited. I decided to go get her some flowers and a card to wish her good luck and give them to her when she picks me up from work. Is this to much considering that Valetines was last week? My coworkers seem to think so. But I feel I am just being supportive. She was really exicted about getting a new job. I just want to be supportive. But I dont want to smother her with gifts! I'm confused!
  19. Hello Everyone, I've been looking all over the net for advice on needy friends, but it seems that the standard answer comes from short-tempered people who suggest simply hanging up on them... I thought this forum might be different. I have a friend with serious problems. In fact, I feel a little like I have been swindled into being her friend in the first place. When I first met her, I noticed her tendency to cling to me in social situations, be reluctant to say goodbye, even to the point of following me around. At the time it was no biggie, and then the boundary stuff started to happen. She'd tell me that my boyfriend was flirting with her (he wasn't) when in fact it was much the other way around (she relates to most men like this, even, once, horribly, with my boss). She told everyone at work that we were best friends, like a high school kid. She would mimic my mid-west accent and claim it was unconscious because of 'all the time we spend together'. Sometimes she would tell complete strangers that we were lesbians. I couldn't say 'no we're not' on these occasions (I mean, how high school!) so I would just act irritated and hope the message came accross. It didn't. Then she had convinced herself that we were best buddies and started to call me at all times of the day and night with ridiculous crises. (11.30pm, 6am, etc). Once she called me and was so depressed I was scared she would hurt herself, so I dragged myself out of bed at midnight, drove all the way accross town, and stayed with her until 4am. I didn't think there was anything else that I could do. She wanted me to stay and sleep in her bed with her, but I refused and went home. So... this clinched it. I'd done this great thing for her, I must be *such* a good friend to her, right? This triggered the 'I have best friend rights' phase, where she would tell me exactly what she thought of my other friends, boyfriend, etc. And it was never favorable: she basically told me I should dump my boyfriend of 5 years after I'd known her about 3 months. We can be single together! (er... what?) She integrated herself into my department at work, found out when the department night out was being held, and turned up (she works in another department of my rather large company). Professionally this was bad because everyone assumed I had invited her to a closed party. People whom I work with, who don't like her, have started to shun me in the office. No hints, or even straight telling her to back off, have worked. A year after I met her, one of my colleagues left and I took on some travel responsibility, and got away from her for large chunks of time. This helped, but she still called me at all times of the day or night (I rarely answer). Now, I know she has a lot of problems, she has therapists and drugs and what-not to cope with all her issues. And on good days, she is a nice, giving person who is great to be around and a good friend. But... this last is awful. My boyfriend and I did break up, after 6 years, and I'm pretty devastated. I'm coping, but I'm not very happy. I told my friend this, only because she called me for something else and I was crying. Now she has decided to take over. She calls me every day and asks if I've moved out of our shared apartment. She looks for apartments for me and has been talking behind my back at work about how I'm 'coping'. She declared that we would 'do this together'. And I can't cope with that. I just escaped from one unhealthy relationship and I can't deal with her as well. I keep getting ruder and ruder and telling her that I'm fine and she just says, 'no you're not, I know you'. She comes over all the time uninvited and tries to give me advice. And she keeps making plans for what we will do together, inviting my colleagues to my 'cheer up' parties without telling me they're happening, all in the 'I'm her best friend, this is my role' mode. Given that she is very sensitive and unstable, how do I get her to back off without crushing her completely? Any advice would be very, very appreciated. Rabbitskin.
  20. (I apologize for how long this turned out.) My boyfriend of 2+ years is having a very difficult time at work, and I can't figure out how to help him. I'm having a really hard time trying to be positive about the whole thing. We had been dating for a year+ when he moved accross the country to take a new job. I encouraged him to do so, since it was a great opportunity and I'm a believer in taking leaps of faith. He's not really a risk-taker, and his family, who lives here, vehemently opposed him leaving the area (and me). He decided to take the job for two years to make more connections in the industry before moving back here and making a change into a related career (which he has been wanting to do for a while). Unfortunately, it didn't turn out the way I had hoped. He works 100+ hour work weeks, and he says that his coworkers hate him and think he is terrible at his job. At least three days a week he calls me near tears about how his coworkers have made snide comments or how he just can't get enough done. Of course, all I have to go on about his coworkers' behavior is what he tells me. On the other hand, I've seen glimpses of his work and I'm kind of disappointed. He is really disorganized at work, he is an extreme procrastinator, and he's had me review documents that are terribly written. The entire time, his mother has been begging him to move back to this part of the country. At first, I thought that was no way to encourage him to succeed, so I tried to be positive about the situation, that it was just the shock of change. But it's been a year and I'm still hearing the same things from him. In addition, I'm having a lot of difficulty with him painting a picture of himself as a persecuted loser. In his world, everyone is always picking on him and he is always doing a terrible job. It's really getting to me and making me lose respect for him, since he doesn't seem to have any for himself. I've convinced him to seek out a therapist, who he is going to see for the first time this week. (I've thought about doing the same, to work through some of the issues that this has brought up.) I am really at a loss for what to do. Has anyone here had a similar situation? How can I best help him through this? It really kind of shocks me to see him be so miserable at work and not stand up to his coworkers. And that after being in the same industry for so long, he hadn't really developed essential skills like organization and writing. And I'm not entirely sure why this concerns me so much! Thoughts?
  21. Heres my situation: I've been working with this girl for about a couple months now. There was always a level of attraction that I could feel right away. As we worked more and more together, we would flirt and talk a lot more. She would give me signs such as love taps, joking around with me, and giving me the eyes. My last day of work was last Saturday and all of my coworkers went out and drank that night at a bar. This was the first outing that me and this girl had together. She gave me her number and I gave her mine. I called her on Sunday and we talked for a good hour. I know she was enjoying our conversation because she was laughing a lot and told me how funny I am. I asked her out the same day but she said she had a ton of homework and had to go to church as well. She had to leave and said "I'll talk to you later." Well on Superbowl Sunday I got plastered and drunk dialed her at 2am, she didn't pick up, I assume she was sleeping. I then tried calling her the next day and she still didn't pick up. I even left a voicemail and she didn't call back. It's been about 4 days now and we haven't talked to each other. I know I'm being overly analytical with this stuff, but when do you guys suggest I call her? I know she's attracted to me because all my coworkers and her friend have told me as well. Do you think I called her too much already? I know she's pretty busy all the time and maybe I'm just overreacting. But why hasn't she called? Is it normal for girls NOT TO CALL? It's just that Im not use to the girl not calling back. In my previous experiences, they'll call as much as I do. Suggestions?
  22. Hello, all. I hope this finds you feeling happy! I've taken another step in the grieving process over my ex. I overheard a snippet of a converstation with her and another coworker this evening that leads me to believe she is seeing someone else. Confession time: I broke down and asked the coworker whether my ex is in fact seeing someone else. Let the ena flogging begin...now! SuperDave, you can be first. I deserve it. It was a moment of weakness. It broke major NC rules. Isn't it incredible what heartache and longing can lead you to do? The coworker is one of the nicest people in the world and she was so sweet and understanding even though I put her in a terrible situation. In the end, she said she understood what I was going through but couldn't betray my ex's confidence. But just have that feeling she is seeing someone. I've tried to steel myself for this moment, but damn, it hurts. I really loved this girl and she dumped me just after Christmas because she said I was too selfish. So I'm not only brokenhearted, but I have to live with that regret of what I could have done not to lose her. The kicker, of course, is that I have to see her five days a week at work. She is leaving in two weeks, though, so the real healing begins then. Just wanted to share this in hopes of getting some support. I'll admit it: I'm still weak and pathetic, even after six weeks, and I couldn't make it without you guys. Much love to all... Tony
  23. I've been thinking a lot about the way I dress. And I've been thinking that maybe it has been harming me (more than helping me) in regards to girls. I notice that I tend to dress very formally compared to many of my colleagues at school. Maybe it puts girls off, I don't know. I generally wear dress shirts, usually with jeans. Don't usually tuck in the shirt, but sometimes, if I'm feeling really spiffy, I will. I will occasionally wear different types of pants, but very rarely. I never wear hats, especially baseball caps. I don't even own one! lol I usually wear a dark trench coat, which right off the bat puts me in the minority. I don't mind being different from the pack, not at all (I used to pride myself on my individuality, nor would I like everyone to imitate me), but I get so many looks from people (girls AND guys), I have to wonder if I'm doing something wrong. As I said already, I dress quite differently from most, if not all, guys I go to school with. With girls, there's mainly two types of girls at school, in terms of dress: Girls who wear sweats, don't fix their hair or wear make-up. They're pretty common, which is fine. (I understand, why dress up just to go to class?) And the other type is the exact opposite; wearing nice, fairly fancy clothes, make-up, doing their hair, etc. And they're not uncommon either. (I guess they want to look nice, in case they meet a cute guy... or just for themselves.) And that's cool, since I tend to be the same way. But it's different for us guys. There's pretty well only one type of guy at school: He shaves everything third day, wears sweatshirts or t-shirts and jeans. Oh, and always baseball caps. I haven't seen too many other guys (if any) dressing as I do. So it's a problem, not because I want to fit in, but because I think it may only be hurting me with girls. After all, people are going to be put off by the oddball who dresses oddly. No one wants to date the oddball. Or maybe I'm being too self-conscious, I don't know. It won't affect how much I continue to try with girls, I will still be the same me with them, and work to approach them and overcome my shyness with them. But I was thinking about this today; maybe I dress 'too nice' for them. Maybe it's like I try to hard. I always shave, always wear a little cologne, always make sure I'm wearing clean, nice clothes. Maybe it's too much? Maybe it's time I tossed the ol' trench coat in the closet, put the dress shirts away and threw on some old t-shirts and stopping shaving for a few days, huh? lol
  24. I work for a company that has many women and because of that I decide at frist to socialize with them only professionally (you will know why in a bit). For example, I say hi, how are you, and bye to coworkers not in my department and may be a bit more to others in mine and a few people whom I am close to. If there is something about work, I will then talk more. I go to lunch alone (unless it is work-related lunchoen, which I will join) because I don't like waiting for half an hour for everyone to get ready and I like to go a little early to avoid the crowd at the cafeteria. Culture of the company is strange. Some people (like myself and some in my department) have so much responsibility and work so hard, while others can just show up in the office, litterally don't have to do anything but walk around in the office gossipping all day. A lot of time they make loud noise and tease each other, sometimes they shout. A coworker who sits next to me is often on her personal phone calls (using office phone, of course) to order cakes/cookies, talk to her mechanic, call her husband, check up her grown up son, call her firends to schedule a get together, call her maid, call her broker, call her doctor, etc., you get the picture. That is annoying but I will just close my office door if I really need to concentrate with my work. Mind you that in my culture, closing office door may be considered 'rude' to some people. At the end of the month, we all get paid and at the end of the year, everyone passes performance evaluation. sigh. Just recently someone whom I am close to told me that others have said something about me not socializing (e.g., not gossipping or not going to lunch with them - they never ask anyway). I am happy the way I am and I think it is better this way. I have a lot of work to do and I don't like gossip. How do I deal with this?
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