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I think most of us could use some emotional support through the pandemic. To be clear this is SUPPORT , criticism and blaming is not needed. I know some us out here are high risk or normal risk. If you need a warm fuzzy today, I love you ❤️ Virtual hug.

Hi, So, I am here with a wimpy heart over a seemingly very small thing, but it hurts. I prepared a very small yet touching gift for my BF's birthday and used some creativity, and went overboard with the efforts to make it look as good as possible. On the day of the birthday, I presented him with the gift, and all her reacted with, 'Did you use a saas tool for this? because you can't come up with something like this' He loves sarcasm, and I am learning things along the way, so I replied in a humorous way, 'yeah, I used that. I did x, then y, then z, and boom, here is the result' And he laughed a little, and that's all. To me, the gift was the most emotionally touching thing I could have done, and I am so disappointed that he didn't even praise my efforts. I am feeling so bad that I just cried over this little thing. I am not-co-easy to cry, but I am feeling so wrong here. I don't know if my feelings are normal, whether I should do something about it, or let it slide, whether it is a big thing or am i making a fuss. I don't know.

I've been dating this guy for two and a half months. We've made it official and had the boyfriend girlfriend talk. I've noticed that he has suddenly stopped talking about wanting me, or anything sexual and he's stopped telling me he wants to see me. He used to say he wanted to see me all of the time. Even if he wasn't being entirely serious, it was a cute way to flirt and show interest. We saw each other once or twice a week for the most part. There was one week where he hinted at us getting together but never asked. I finally told him I was trying to finalize my weekend plans and asked if we were going to hang out. He told me he had half a plan to see me. I felt disrespected by that but I just told him I would hang out with my friend instead. He was supportive of that decision. I told him later that I felt disrespected by this "half plan". Then about two weeks ago we went out with my friends and he and I were intimate that night and morning, Thursday and Friday. Then he left for a trip to see his friends a few hours away. He came back Sunday severely hung over as expected... but he really didn't seem to want to see me. I made a quick exit. There was a half hearted hug that I attributed to the hangover. So I gave him space. He knew I was off Monday and he didn't have work the next two weeks. He didn't try to make plans with me and he didn't buy plane tickets for an upcoming wedding he said he would buy before his trip and send me details. Wednesday came around and I told him I was worried he didn't really want me to go. He said he forgot. He lives in walking distance from a bunch of bars and he went out Mon and Tue. Told me met some cool people. Wed he got excited to hear that I was at his fave bar and said he was sorry he couldn't make it because he was streaming. Odd because I didn't invite him lol. Four days, and he didn't try to make plans to see me. Then Thursday he got sick. Then Monday rolled around and he finally bought the plane tickets and sent me a pic of one ticket without a name on it. He hammered out details with me. He's still feeling sick but much better; worried he's contagious. But he has only talked about how he really wants to go out again. He hasn't said he misses me, he hasn't said he wants to see me, no plans, no sweet talk. It's been two weeks. I told him it made me feel like he's losing interest but I wasn't sure if it was my anxiety. He asked if he was doing something wrong. I said no but told him his sudden lack of affection concerned me. I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that something isn't right and I don't know if I'm overreacting. Am I just traumatized and hypervigilant or is this something I should be concerned about?

Taking a page from the Healing after breakup and divorce forum, where we can post to our exes to keep us from contacting them. That is where I first posted this. I should have posted it here. I just read a list 20 Tips to do when you are grieving, and one is to write a letter to the deceased. Well, that is when it finally struck me that I am avoiding the grief of a loss. I need to face that loss directly. I need to talk to my long deceased ex. Maybe this thread can help you too. I encourage you to post here as a place to speak freely about our deceased friends, lovers, and family members. This is a safe place to say things that maybe we don't want to say to others so as not to hurt them, or to appear mean, or to reveal information that we have been keeping private. Here, we can yell at the deceased if we need to, or we can admit that we didn't treat them well, or we can yearn for them yet again. There will be no one to shush us with an Its okay or Its time to move on. This is a safe place to say what we want to say, without reproach. __________ The 20 Tips are pasted below, for an added reference. ___________ Talk about your loss with friends, family or a professional. Grief is a process, not an event. Grief is work, requiring time and energy. The memories, meanings and fulfilled needs provided by the lost loved one take time to work through. Let yourself enter the emotions of grief. Grievers tend naturally to avoid the painful emotions. Losing someone close to you means you deserve to allow yourself to feel all your emotions - sadness, anger, intense longing, guilt and others. Consider writing your loved one a letter. Say what you would tell them as if it were your last chance. Even if you never share the letter with anyone, writing it may help you work through your grief. Resume your life but leave time and space for grieving. Life marches on for the living. But try to resist the temptation to “throw yourself” into work or other diversions. This leaves too little time for the grief work you need to do for yourself. Take care of yourself. You have been wounded. Something very valuable and dear has been taken away from you. Give yourself time and space to begin healing. Get enough rest. Eat nourishing food. Give yourself a break. Resist the temptation to use alcohol or drugs to numb your pain. These can interfere with the grieving process by delaying it or covering it up. If you have any religious inclination, consider contacting your place of worship. All religions recognize that grievers need special help. Consider taking advantage of these services even if you have not been attending regularly. You will not be turned away. Consider seeking out other grievers. Someone who has also been through grief can empathize with you, and vice versa. Organizations like Compassionate Friends or THEOS recognize the value of sharing in a group setting. Don’t feel obligated to join groups if they are not for you. The grief process is highly individual. Some people prefer solitude or reflection rather than group work. Do what feels right for you. Don’t neglect your own health. Grieving puts a heavy burden of stress on your body. It can disturb sleep patterns, lead to depression, weaken your immune system, and worsen medical problems that had been stable, such as high blood pressure. Take prescribed medications and get regular check-ups. If you suffer from disabling insomnia or anxiety, see your doctor. Sometimes short-term medication can be very helpful. Get help for severe or persistent depression. Someone once said: “grief is not a disease but it can become one.” Grief can lead to serious depression. Consider getting professional help if you feel overwhelmed, hopeless, or helpless. Other signs of depression can include sleep impairment (too little or too much), appetite or weight change, low energy, difficulty concentrating, and feeling listless or agitated. By all means, seek professional help if you have suicidal thoughts. Grief work can become complicated. Mixed emotions (positive and negative feelings), unresolved emotional turmoil and losing someone after an argument can complicate the grieving process. Sharing these feelings with a professional therapist can help. Grief therapy need not be a long-term commitment. Even if you don't see yourself as the kind of person who seeks therapy, this may be beneficial. Anger is common in normal grieving and certainly justified when a loved one dies due to the malevolence of others. Try venting your anger in a letter. Consider channeling your anger into constructive action. Volunteer to work for causes that seek justice and prevention. Spending your energy helping someone else can help you in the process. Allow time to grieve. One to two years is not a long time to allow yourself to work through grief. We need to remind ourselves that the healing process cannot be rushed; it will proceed at its own rate. Be patient. The grieving process often includes setbacks. Don’t expect to set an “I’ll be over it” deadline and succeed. Often, grieving resumes after a time, sometimes even months or years. Reminders can trigger a flood of emotions. Don’t be surprised if this happens, and don't consider it a sign of weakness. Instead, your psyche is telling you more grief work needs to be done. At some point those who have lost a partner or love companion will face the decision of whether to be open to a new relationship. Consider imagining the situation reversed. That is, if you died and your lover or spouse survived, what would you want them to do? It may help you to see your situation from this angle. If you feel stuck in your grief, try a new approach. We are creatures of habit who learn very quickly how to avoid painful situations. However, this may hinder working through the entirety of your grief. To “jump start” the process, consider reviewing memorabilia, photos, home movies, or videos. Talk about your loved one at holidays when his or her absence is most obvious. Don’t avoid it so as not to spoil the festivities. This is the perfect time to check in with other family members about how they're doing with grief work, and share mutual support. Create your own memorial service. Celebrate their lifetime accomplishments, values, and principles. Consider carrying the torch of a cause they believed in as a memorial. Start a scholarship, plant a garden, or make a donation in their name. The grieving process has run its course when you feel weary of rehashing events and memories and finally accept the fact the your loved one can remain with you only in spirit. For some, the process never really ends; it just gets easier over time. You will know you are ready to move forward when you feel you can reinvest the energy once invested in your loved one in a new place. This takes time. Good grief means being good to yourself during the process.

I have gone through this before. Im on my 4th breakup with my ex. But the worst feeling in the world is having feelings for someone who no longer wants to be with you, hang out with you, see you or call you. It happened suddenly, I was not expecting it. I feel lots of pain, and though I wont do anything stupid the impotence is so much that I just wish I was dead in order not to feel this. Help me cope please. I miss him and want to move to his city and do anything posible to make it work again, but I know he has blocked me out and that there is absoultely nothing I can do to change it. I think of him every day, all the time. Pleople are getting sick of me, and there is nothing I can do to change his mind and make him love me. Help me please

! : English is not my primary language. Some texts that i write here are copied from another person that express exactly how i feel but in a better way that i could write myself. I am a bi guy and I get these feelings of jealousy with regard to lesbians. So much that nowadays I don't even watch movies or tv shows with lesbian characters. I don't have the feelings when it comes to gay men. For example in the show "Arcane", i really enjoy it, is great, i like the character of Vi and the one of Caitlyn and they are cute together but, I wouldn't call them intense feelings, I just feel a bit uncomfortable and jealous. Is this a form of homophobia ? How can i work on it ? Other informations : - I think i'm okay with my actual gender - It is not particulary from that show but in all show, note that i have no female who is in a lesbian relationship actually - I have a lesbian friend and i never have this kind of feelings towards her

I was wondering if there are any opinions on Enotalone forum online. I googled them and I'm surprised. I understand everywhere people tend to give some % of negative reviews - after all, people who are dissatisfied (justly or unjustly) have more motivation to write about it. But I'm surprised there are almost no positive reviews for so many people feeling hurt. I understand people here are not professionally qualified to help and they dedicate their own personal time for free to help out somebody. It's a kind thing to do, as risky as it is to give strangers advice. However, having read the opinions, I have now doubts if this community has the healthy dynamics that people asking for advice need. The problems seem to be: - Moderation - close to 100% of reviewers are deeply unsatisfied with moderation, saying banning is too restrictive and there is no discussion possible after being banned. Some users comment on unhealthy power balance. - Insensivity - various terms including accusations of systematic cyberbulling in private and public talk. Some quotes I found on review pages: "A lot of individuals on that forum lack patience, compassion, and open-mindedness-- all qualities important for a healthy, lasting relationship. If everyone listened to their advice, no one would be in a relationship." "So the purpose of this app is to vent and my express your feelings. Well on here it's not happening as majority of the people are very judgmental!" "(...) thin skinned people who give bad advice and are most likley bitter on life. " " First few times I used this site, it was good. People were nice and actually gave good advice. Then everyone started giving bad advice and on top of that they gang up on you like you're the bad guy when you were the OP and just want advice. They were mean and rude and turn up against you and says it very bluntly that's its your fault. Yes maybe it is, but help guide someone to make the right decisions not freaking just blame it on them and there also very one sided." "(...) and they do this by berating posters who they perceive as either not being as strong as the supposedly healed berater or as being someone who represents the person who hurt the berater in the past" "made me feel harassed" "the people on there just tore me apart verbally" "(...) were incredibly rude and intentionally used it for nothing more than a platform on which to cyber bully. " "eNotAlone. You have made me feel more alone than ever" "You are NOT getting advice from any of the professionals" "However, the people usually just bring out the negative and leave it at that." "the people that post the most are very insensitive and suggest just about everyone who is the OP to seek therapy. Everyone should have a therapist yes. But the way they go about it is just disrespectful. " "Very few solutions are ever presented and relentless attacks to the OP are a given." Like I said, I understand that some people are bitter after not hearing what they intended to hear, etc. but the opinions are just so consistent. I used this forums many times over years. Sometimes as an advice seeker, sometimes I got advice that helped me to make decisions, some advice made me feel bad for a few days, but I always was grateful for people's time and thought it's about my bad chemistry with some people, or you know, my psychological mechanisms, not about the general forum dynamics. I've been a few times the advice giver as well. How do you feel as advice givers on this forum, if this is apparently the impression of so many forum users? :( I'm not sure if I could do it anymore after reading that. I feel incredible guilt about idea of overusing my psychology degree to help people in ways that do not help them. While I know people here want to something good by helping others, there may be some group dynamics on this forum as well, a specific forum culture encouraging judgement/talking down to people as a means to "shake them", and other things a professional psychologist or a therapist is trained not to do with their client. Or some trends of advice in general. We are social beings after all and every group is influenced by mechanisms studied by social psychology, and not all of these mechanisms are positive. How do you feel about it all? Do you feel with all your heart it's ethical for you to participate in a forum that while wants to help, apparently also hurts so many people? :( Do you think it could be that the "harshness" that is in fact not therapeutic (as so many users claimed in these reviews) but coming from advice giver's personal needs, is somehow encouraged in this community? That the feeling of pride of being an active member for a long time, of wanting to be "the star" of community somehow makes people less focused on the individual needs of the vulnerable person? In my opinion, every good helper is a person open to feedback they get back. A person who reflects on it and tries to change something to do better next time. If you are convinced ENA community does way more good than harm, do you have some reflections what could be changed for the future to make people more emotionally safe? Would it be possible to have a section of the forum dedicated to feedback and open discussion what could be enhanced here, for these hurt users to have a space for speaking freely? Thank you for reading and reflection.

Hello, Recently I have noticed patterns of irritability and anger. I try to control it, but each time I fail. Yesterday, I lashed out at a woman at the Drivers License center because she was very rude to me. I was so upset afterwards and cried in my car because I’ve never stuck up for myself like that. Although I did that, I let it get to me the rest of the day. There’s other situations where I feel angry and I want to blow up, so I go into a quiet place to cool down and take deep breaths. I do consider myself to be communicative, but sometimes I feel like I am not heard when I express myself, which is probably why I feel angry. I have noticed that some situations in the past have made me an angry person. I didn’t always use to be this way. I was always the nice person, but I’m now the complete opposite and have a zero tolerance/patience level. My anxiety has worsen and I let the small things get to me. I want to know if anyone is going through this and if you can give me any helpful tips to control my anger? Thank you.

Back and fourth. I go back and fourth in my thoughts and feelings. I feel the crisis of choosing one path or the other. When this side is tough and nasty I try and look over to the other. Sometimes I'm convinced I should turn around and go back around. Maybe this is the farthest I've made it, but I still think about going back toward the other. Friends and enemies they seem the same sometimes. One minute to the next what I thought I believed suddenly feels delusional, and I remember the peace I felt before. I guess this is the way it's supposed to happen, easily translated into metaphor and archetypes . Classic story. I don't think I'll turn around anymore, but I'm sure I will definitely think about it.

I think that sometimes it's easier to express feelings and thoughts non-verbaly. Sometimes it's easier to keep a secret when you share it with the world. Sometimes stories canbetter be narated without words. And always, as long as the music plays on, you are never trully alone... This is the memory of a dream. Wanted to share it with you. Hope you enjoy! And remember: The show goes on. Always. [video=youtube_share;8xBGlZt2-R4] ]

I feel like I’m doing time for a crime that I did not commit You know, going through emotional conflict I feel like I’m going round in circles forever reaching roads that lead to nowhere I feel so lost, I need help but when I call out no one is there So I carry on alone Because that is all I know I put on a front so my feelings don’t show I don’t want to be just another person that settles for less I’m not certain of anything so I always hold hope close to my chest Mama says I need that 9 to 5 to survive But what’s the point if it doesn’t bring happiness to my life? When I fall into a permanent sleep and I can see beyond this haze I don’t want to have wasted the beats of my heart wishing for something better every day I know I was not born to feel this much sorrow Maybe I will be better tomorrow

THE SHOW WENT ON So in a world of “ones” and “zeroes” No place for “twos” no place for heroes Well, that’s how it goes And in a city full of strangers No queen no throne Just hold my hand so we can dance alone… And carry on – the show goes on So take me home – before it’s gone A thousand ends and still beginning Everyone scores but no one’s winning Still, we’re keeping score The show goes on and nothing changes Please stay a while Go wear your face and find a matching smile And put it on – let’s dance alone The show goes on – and then it’s gone And where it goes – nobody knows So take me home – before it’s gone Just let it go – it’s just a show We dance alone – then go back home …………………. Go with the show every night and be clever Strike a pose and be gone with the wind Go till it’s gone for it goes on forever No one got hurt no one sinned Sleep every night in your morningless places Wake every day in a new different bed For now the show goes on inside your head And there it stays – the DJ plays That famous song – we’ve danced along Take of your face – we’ll find a place To call it home – the show went on Oh! The show went on - (the show went on) ……………………… But I don’t want to go with the show, on and on, on and On, I’ll stay here waiting, dancing and dancing alone ……………………… The show went on – be brave and strong The DJ plays – his final song Inside your head – the show goes on So you can stay – but I’ll be gone Before you know –a brand new show We dance alone – then go back home (Lyrics and music are mine, G. Paloumpis [photo] does the singing) As long as music plays and people share their feelings, no one is ever trully alone! B good! [video=youtube_share;NdC0Ila2Dqs] ]

Jotted down a thousand words describes the way I feel When I read them, I come undone every feeling real Thunder, lighning and tons of rain skin cut deep and lots of pain fun times ruined friends forgot so much accusin of so much throught Minds are connected, souls are sewn Earth so big , feeling alone tired soul is resting, love so far away faithfulness is testing, go or stay Feeling so restless, so much pain feeling so in love, yes my eyes they rain so loving and caring, yet selfish and vain Earth is so unsteady while layers of skin unpeals...

Anxiously awaiting the culmination of desire, to quell the deep sea of emotion which ne'er allows definement. Your eyes, a portal to your soul, show me what you yearn to be. Your touch, the power caused shudders through my spine; Echoing and reverberating through my body and mind. Just then I could feel your soul touch mine ever so slightly. At last, the lips of lovers danced an eternal dance. A vortex of desire poured into my body, seeped down through my chest and made me weak. I held you tighter and you embraced my shattered ego with a natural nurture. The physical boundaries dissolved and fizzled away. I looked in your eyes once more and suddenly I came to a realization. I like this girl.

Haven't written in a long time, So this poem might be incoherent, But my feelings are clear, And my thoughts are fluent, On my quest to be a better person, I know I've slipped up many times, But the drive in me never stops, It climbs, The mind is dysfunctional, Poisoned by society, A dark muse for our ego, An enemy to sobriety, I want to be a better person, Burn bridges no more, I want friends not enemies, Be rich in the heart even if I'm poor, To change myself as a whole is a journey but, I'll never forget a saying by a teacher of mine, How do you eat an elephant? One piece at a time.

Yep, another one This one is a song I wrote. It has more care and effort put into it than most of my other poems/songs. I hope someone else (or more) enjoys it. It's called Misplaced. I see disillusioned lies, When I look into your eyes, It's like soaring through the skies, But never understanding why. I think it's time I guess I'll try And when I gaze upon your dreams, Will I discover what they mean? I guess things aren't as they should seem, I'm falling back down on my knees. It's hard to find An open mind Take from me all that you will, You've got the ink, you've got the quill, Why are you feasting on me still? I should be running for the hills. Can i escape? I'm 'bout to break My bones are bruised, my skin it bleeds, Is this insanity? It just may be. You're not the one they think you are. I see the path and yet it's still too far. I need to rediscover me, I've got time to let things be, Would you look back at us in glee? Or would the feelings make you flee? Why am I scared? I'm not prepared The world's not my favorite place, We rush this life like it's a race, I'm going at my own free pace, And putting on a happy face. Just take a break For your own sake Catastrophic as it is, I know the pleasures that it gives, I have my armor and my shiv, Is this enough for me to live? I'll hold your fear And keep it near My bones are bruised, my skin it bleeds, Is this insanity? It just may be. You're not the one they think you are. I see the path and yet it's still too far.

I guess I could write a poem to express my feelings and fold 'em In my spare time or during lunch I could write a bunch. Some would make sense Other times nonsense. Today is the day when you don't have to pay for dessert-- Go berserk. Oh lord i'm too bored.

i picked out some of my favorite parts from the book from my relationship and what were going through and thought i would share Nothing irritates others as quickly as being rude. However you look at it, no one enjoys being around a rude person. The truth is, love does not get angry or hurt unless there is a legitimate and just reason in the sight of God. Love makes you kind. And kindness makes you likeable. You will never learn to love until you learn to demonstrate kindness. Love is built on two pillars that best define what it is. Those pillars are patience and kindness. Patience is a choice to control your emotions rather than allowing your emotions to control you Patience is where love meets wisdom. And every marriage needs that combination to stay healthy. Few of us do patience very well, and none of us do it naturally. But wise men and women will pursue it as an essential ingredient to their marriage relationships. That’s a good starting point to demonstrate true love.

The blood flowing, like tears down my face, staining my arm, each stroke of the blade, another emotion freeing, Another thing I cannot control, being let go, left to fend for itself, While I feel stronger, fight harder, vision clearing, dreams strengthening, goals attainable... That's what I want.. But its yet another need I cannot give into, not without falling down through that trap, into the seemingly bottomless pit of self dispair, no help here, just me and the darkness, swirling, swarming, chasing, haunting... I cannot go back there... But how else can I see clearly, think freely?

This is a piece of freestyle poetry i wrote in one of the worst times of my life... It's kinda got a weird beat to it, but anyway... Please tell me what you think, any and all comments are appreciated. It's one of the first poems i ever wrote, so please be kind. Constructive criticism is allowed, just don't go crazy. Thank you in advance NOTHING MORE Just one tear. Full of emotions, a drop of sunlight in the shade. A single streak of wetness, wiped away as quickly as it was made. When i lay alone at night, i think of what i've become, the things that have been changed. I think how my whole life has been stopped, restarted, stopped again and rearranged. The joy in my life has faded and all that remains is a bland existence. Ironic that all those months ago i though that i could go the distance. Was i crazy for loving somebody? No, but "be more careful" is the message they all say. I just wish i still had a heart left to break, there's just a hole every night and day. She took parts of me and broke them, and i'm left with just a piece or two. How can i rebuild myself if i can't get back what's due? Give me back my life, my love, my things, my body and my heart. Give me back everything i gave you, this time there's no restart. Let me live what's left of my life alone, like you want me to. I'm doing what you told me, isn't that enough for you? Stop hurting me, just stop the pain, get the hell out and let me be. No matter what you put me through i will not let you see. The single tear upon my cheek, that splashes on the floor. For you, because of you, one tear, just one... then nothing more.

The End/Rebirth It is fizzling out finally Having scorched all in its path for many a year. Flecks of flame flicker here and there But can’t take hold for earth is bare Blackened, twisted charred and eerie Stunned beauty silent and weary Skeletal limbs belie a truth That deep rich layers lie underfoot Where soul remains intact, unscathed While heart is roasted , feelings strained She’ll start again to sprout life a new A different landscape for all to view The rains will nourish along the way Gods Love and Grace assured each day No time to ponder man’s cruel hand There’s work to be done, and proud she’ll stand. CD

I Cried Today I cried today because you didn’t call I cried today but now I stand tall I cried today thinking what could have been I cried today but no more energy can I expend I cried today because I still see visions of you here I cried today in hopes that my pain would disappear I cried today though alone I still sit I cried today may the Lord fill this pit I cried today of the moments we once shared I cried today but my heart shall be spared I cried today knowing someone else will fill your void I cried today but no longer can my emotions be toyed I cried today of the wonderful that makes up you I cried today but I have to fix you know who I cried today because your touch is what I crave I cried today but my affection I now must save I cried today because the memories of you I must sever I cried today but maybe tomorrow will be better Written by: BCASE 12-31-2011

I have observed what goes on outside the french window so many times with more curiosity than just plain noseiness. Today the sky is bright blue and there is hardly a cloud in sight. The large trees that surround the street stand tall with thick chocolate brown trunks and long branches some thich and others thin. The wind sways the bright green summertime leaves back and fourth. So many different coloured flowers that only bloom in summer, colours of white, yellow, raspberry pinks and lilacs surround front gardens, some you can see planted in the soil others you can see peeking out of bushes twinkling like gem stones. I don't suppose many people would be that interested in writing about what they see every day, most people get up at seven in the morning maybe sip coffee whilst they get ready to rush of to their nine to five lives, most people care about the more practical, logical things like making sure the tank in the car is full with petrol, others rush so they don't miss their buses or trains. There are very few that see things that are hidden, undiscovered and those things, the unseen things are the most beautiful of all. You would think I would be outside the window inhaling the fresh air and enjoying the way the sun feels on my skin. You would think I would have a daily routine like most people do. You see all of us have options I could choose to go about every day life I could travel in the rush hour if I wanted to, I could do what I should be doing but I choose not to. You want to know why?, because if I choose to step outside I have to ask myself a question. Who am I really when I step outside into the world?, If I could go back in time and observe me from outside the window I'd say I don't make eye contact with anyone just the floor, my body language is uncomfortable and the way I'm walking means I just want to get today over with and fast. I stay hidden in a crowd and on a one on one basis. When I'm out there I wear a mask and a imaginary shield protects me from everyone and everything, I don't feel anything apart from the breeze in my hair and the sun on my skin. I could say who I am isn't who I'm meant to be, but maybe it is. Maybe the parts that I hate so much about myself like being socially awkward, maybe I am just meant to be that way. Maybe I wasn't born to fit in, maybe I was born to be the observer, the writer. Most days I see the same three men walk past my house. The first man always walks past my house in the morning sometimes at nine sometimes at ten. He is tall and slender and looks in his thirites. No matter what the weather he always wears a long leather coat that flys out at the back when he walks, it kind of looks like a cloak. His black hair is always slicked back in that old fashioned way and his skin is so white and flawless and he always carries the same intense look on his face. He feels like an outcast, like he doesn't belong I can sense it from him. I don't see him as what other people might label him as, I look at him and I see hes just misunderstood with an old fashioned charm about him. The second man walks past my house in the afternoon and he is young, in his twenties and he is lovely looking. He either wears a gray or a baby blue jump suit and I know he's a mechanic. He is a average size with blonde short hair and blue eyes, he always looks thoughful whilst he smokes his cigarette, I always feel like smokers smoke for a reason and that reason isn't to look cool. The last man that walks past my house is also tall his skin is a light olive tone and his face has so much bone structure to it he wears glasses and a hat with a dull green coloured coat and a dull colour gray rucksack, I can't sense as much from him as I can sense from the other two but I can tell he's not like most people. Whenever I see these three men walk by I feel a kind of connection to them and I feel like maybe they feel alone like I do. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to open the door and walk up to each of them and tell them that I see them walk past my house every day and that I can sense their emotions, but that would be just weird. The truth is I don't know anything about them and I never will. We will never know absoloutly everything about everyone, we think we do but we don't. That's the mystery, the beautiful thing that is unseen.

You are capacity. There is a lot of things inhabiting this space Thoughts, feelings, senses, images. It's all happening right here. Remove all the things that are happening Remove the people you know Remove everything you see and hear In a vacuum, what are you? Without the things outside, out there, There is nothing to be found that can be called you Existing all of it in relationship to you You then, are space, in which it is happening What then, is the difference between all of that and you? Where does out there end and in here begin? Look at your hand- it's out there isnt it? Just like that person over there. Can you find anything that isnt just out there Watch it all, let it all pass through. This is the goal. And then you are free.

I don't think im very good but my counselor said its a good way to free my emotions Cold nights make me come to terms with the burn I gave myself no amount of money equals the wealth I felt when I held yourself now I have no live with the hand I delt myself so weather its a poker hand with 5 joker guys or a craps roll with snake eyes I did this to myself now I cry cold lonley and by myself hoping we have a child and I can make up for my past self