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  1. Dear eNotAlone: I find myself trapped in the suffocating embrace of severe depression and suicidal thoughts, feeling as though I am drowning in a sea of despair with no lifeline in sight. The weight of the darkness threatens to consume me, and I fear that I may succumb to its siren call. Can you offer any advice, strategies, or resources to help me navigate this treacherous emotional landscape and find hope amidst the chaos? * * * 1. Seek professional help: Like a skilled cartographer charting the vast and unexplored terrain, a mental health professional can help you navigate the labyrinthine complexities of depression and suicidal thoughts. Be it a psychologist, psychiatrist, or therapist, these experts can offer a lifeline, providing insight, support, and potential treatment options tailored to your unique needs. 2. Reach out to your support network: As the saying goes, "no man is an island," and even in the darkest depths of despair, it is crucial to remember that you are not alone. Reach out to friends, family, or support groups – these individuals can serve as the bedrock upon which you can anchor yourself amidst the turbulent emotional seas. 3. Develop healthy coping strategies: When the maelstrom of depression and suicidal thoughts threatens to pull you under, it is vital to cultivate an arsenal of healthy coping strategies. These may include mindfulness meditation, breathing exercises, journaling, or engaging in hobbies and activities that bring you joy and a sense of accomplishment. Like a beacon of light amidst the storm, these activities can help ground you in the present moment and rekindle your connection to life. 4. Cultivate self-compassion: In the throes of depression, it is all too easy to succumb to the siren song of self-blame and self-criticism. But like a gardener tending to a delicate flower, it is essential to nourish the seed of self-compassion within. Be gentle with yourself, acknowledging the immense strength and courage it takes to face the darkness and seek help. 5. Embrace the power of incremental change: The road to healing may seem insurmountable, but remember that even the most towering mountain can be conquered one step at a time. Embrace the power of incremental change, setting small, achievable goals that can help rebuild your sense of self-efficacy and resilience. 6. Consider medication, if appropriate: For some individuals, the chemical imbalances that underlie depression may necessitate the support of medication. Consult with a mental health professional to explore the potential benefits and risks associated with medication and whether it may be an appropriate adjunct to your healing journey. 7. Create a safety plan: In moments of crisis, it is crucial to have a safety plan in place, outlining the steps you can take to mitigate the risk of self-harm. This plan may include emergency contact numbers, a list of coping strategies, and a commitment to reach out for support. 8. Nurture your physical health: The intricate tapestry of mind and body are inextricably intertwined, and as such, it is essential to prioritize your physical well-being. Engage in regular exercise, maintain a balanced diet, and ensure that you are getting adequate sleep – these simple yet powerful practices can have a profound impact on your mental health. 9. Learn from the stories of others: Like the chorus of a thousand voices, the collective wisdom of those who have walked the path before you can offer solace, hope, and inspiration. Seek out books, articles, podcasts, or support groups that share the stories of individuals who have grappled with depression and suicidal thoughts and emerged victorious. 10. Embrace the journey: While it may seem counterintuitive, sometimes the most potent antidote to despair is the acceptance of the journey itself. Recognize that healing is not a linear process, and there may be setbacks and obstacles along the way. Embrace the journey with patience and perseverance, knowing that each step – no matter how small – is a testament to your strength and resilience. Dear traveler, know that the road to healing from depression and suicidal thoughts is indeed a treacherous one, but it is also a journey that countless others have embarked upon and emerged stronger and more resilient. By harnessing the tools and resources outlined above, you can navigate the stormy seas of despair and chart a course towards hope, healing, and a renewed sense of purpose. you are not alone in this journey, and there is a veritable constellation of support awaiting your outstretched hand.
  2. Hey, there, I’m so, so sorry in advanced for the long post, I’m having trouble putting my thoughts down in a cohesive way. A million thanks to anyone that can trudge through this entire post. I (28F) and my bf (30M) have been together for 5 years. I love my bf very much, but some circumstances have made it so that I don’t think it’s healthy/feasible to be together anymore and I don’t know what to do. My bf has a history of mental health issues. Things like severe depression and anxiety to the point of being borderline agoraphobic, OCD, and at one point they even suspected he had schizophrenia because of hallucinations. He has attempted suicide several times before we met, and has thought about it seriously enough a few times during the course of our relationship to the point where he’s contacted the suicide prevention hotline to talk him down. His mental health has always been a challenge in our relationship. We’re also pretty confident that he may be on the spectrum, though he’s never been tested. I’ve always tried to be supportive (I have my own issues though—ADHD and ASD—so it was rough in the beginning of our relationship, but we eventually settled into something that worked well for us), and have helped him with finding therapy and resources online. For context, I do not and have never had depression or anxiety as a diagnosed condition, though I do occasionally experience them as a symptom of my diagnosed conditions. I want to make it clear that I in no way am blaming my bf for having to deal with his mental health issues or that I don’t have my own trauma/issues as well. I don’t want to come off as though my bf is the only problem here because he isn’t. Here’s where the dilemma is. I’ve made a huge decision. I’m re-enlisting in the Army after being out of service for 6 years. He and I talked about it and we’re both onboard with the idea. We decided the best course of action to continue our lives together would be to get married. We have 3 beautiful dogs that we consider to be our children and a gorgeous kitty. We’ve built an entire life together. He’s very excited about our future once I’m back in. Recently though, the more I’ve been thinking about what that future is going to look like… the more I don’t like it. I know I need to talk to him, but I really have no one else to talk about this with first or bounce ideas off of, so it’s been difficult understanding how I feel about this. So, my bf is asexual and I am not. This is fine, I knew what I was signing up for when I pursued this relationship. I do not ever expect any form of sexual experiences with him, although they do sometimes happen when he is in the mood (which is not often). I also, up until recently, have not thought about other people in a sexual or romantic manner, being that I was completely satisfied with our arrangement. I am dad that i don’t get that kind of intimacy often, but it’s been worth it until now. The issue is that, due to his mental health, he neglects his hygiene severely. He has lost parts of his tooth that came off because of a cavity that got really bad due to not brushing and although I’ve talked to him about how serious this is (he says he’s also sure he might have gum disease) and how I’d be happy to help him pick out a dentist (he hasn’t been in over a decade due to fear and anxiety about dentists) to help him get that fixed and offered to accompany him or drive him or whatever he needs to feel comfortable, he says he will but then doesn’t make any effort. His fear has overridden any rationality he may have had about this. He says that it’s better if all his teeth were pulled/gone and that he get dentures because then he wouldn’t have to take care of them. This statement was very… concerning and disturbing. He has said something similar about his body dysmorphia and wanting to cut off his genitalia. This has also really disturbed me and made me extremely uncomfortable. The tooth thing has been especially concerning for me. His mouth smells bad and I no longer like kissing him or having his mouth near me. We’ve talked about it, so he’s not unaware. Even though we’ve discussed it, I still find myself having to ask him to please brush his teeth and then feeling bad that I’m drawing attention to his insecurity that I’ve already talked to him about and that he knows is an issue. In the rare moments that he wants to get frisky with me, I feel bad about saying this, but I feel genuine disgust. I’m pretty squeamish, so it’s a reaction I wish I didn’t have, but I do. I always brush off his advances, and then feel bad after. I’ve started having fantasies about being desired and loved on romantically and sexually by someone else (not an actual person, just a fantasy), and I find myself not sexually or romantically attracted to my partner anymore. I don’t get taken out, I’m solely responsible for paying all the bills because he’s too afraid of making phone calls or he’ll forget about the bills, so I feel like I’m pulling a lot of weight alone, he has no ambitions or goals aside from video games which he plays quite literally all day when we’re not working, so I’ve learned to be very independent, and there’s a lot more. These were always things that didn’t bother me much, but because of how I’m feeling, these minor things have become tangled in the mix of problems I’m noticing. He is also very self aware and has asked me several times if I’m sure I want to be with someone like him for the rest of our lives or he wonders why I haven’t left him yet. These thoughts have been more vocalized lately (past two months or so) and it’s what has gotten me thinking about our future together in this way. I always tell him that I love him (I do, but I realized recently that I’m not in love with him anymore) and care about him and that I just want what’s best for him. I can see myself deflecting his questions here. I think he can feel how I’ve started pulling away though. In any case, I’m sooo afraid of what will happen if I tell him all of this. I’m afraid he’s going to lose it. He’s said before that he wishes he was homeless because he hates money and hates working and he’s been homeless before and it wasn’t that bad. I’m scared for him. That he’ll hurt himself or end up on the streets. The thought of him out there fending for himself fills me with dread and forms a pit in my stomach. One good thing is that he had a breakdown (the breakdown is not the good part) a couple of days ago and I talked to him about getting better and he emailed not one but three therapists. I told him I’m very proud of him. I feel that I’m the only thing keeping him sane and safe. He’s clearly still very in love with me, he makes sure to tell me often lately. He’s been more vocal about how special I am to him and how I matter more than anyone else in his life. I’m scared that I’m being selfish by being with him, by not telling him how I’ve been feeling lately, but I don’t feel ready to tell him yet. I’m scared of what’s going to happen. I don’t have any support except for him, so I’m on my own. I’m also scared of the guilt I’m feeling, making me not think clearly. I’m scared that I’m going to not stand up for myself and do what’s best for me because I’m worried for him. I’m so torn. I’m also really scared about what will happen to our pups. I can’t keep them in the army if I’m not married, unless I’m rank E-5 or above because then I can live outside of the barracks as a single person (I’ll be an E-3 so I’ll have at least two years before that can happen). I trust him completely with the pups but I don’t want to burden him if he’s going to be alone while I’m off doing stuff in the Army. I’d want to help him with any costs related to them. I don’t mind a marriage of convenience where we’re married on paper so he can use my benefits as a soldier to get the help he needs, so long as we sign a prenup and can get divorced without hassle when the time is right. We were planning to get a prenup anyway. He’s not a slob, or a bad person, or a nutcase. He’s mentally ill and I care about him a lot. I want to make sure that when I leave for the Army, he’s set up for success. I don’t know what to do or how to bring this up. I know I can’t be responsible for the decisions that other people make, but it still scares me what he could do to himself. The situation is more complex than I’m typing out here, but this is the best I could do, and even then, it’s so verbose. Please, what would you do if you were in my shoes? I need some serious advice. I feel so lost and alone. I care about him so much, I feel so hurt by all this.
  3. From an early age, children today are exposed to various forms of screen media. Unstructured screen time is thought to have particular benefits for youth, including problem solving skills and social interactions that would otherwise be physically expensive. But with 24/7 access to the likes of smartphones and the internet, comes the ever-present risk of overindulgence, particularly in seniors. A recent study from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has found that excessive screen time in preteens is linked to suicidal behavior. Preteens who spend too much time glued to their screens are more likely to be depressed, have poor school performance, sleep problems like insomnia and poorer physical health. The CDC research set out to assess whether the amount of time preteens spend on screens could increase the risk of suicidal behavior. The results showed that preteens who reported spending more than 4 hours on screens per day were more likely to have suicidal ideation. They had almost a threefold risk of attempting suicide, compared to preteens who reported spending less than two hours on screens a day. This suggests that too much screen time can lead to potentially harmful behaviors over time. So why is this phenomenon happening? Researchers suggest that too much screen time may be associated with feelings of isolation and loneliness, which in turn can lead to depression. Other issues may come into play, such as increased access to digital content promoting violence or self-harm, and social media sites that can be places of cyberbullying and trolling. All of these could be contributing to an increase in suicidal behavior. It’s not all doom and gloom though. Along with appropriate limits, parents can also present positive activities for their preteens to engage in. With the risk of social unease so prevalent in the current climate, encouraging children to find solace in healthy outlets is key. Encouraging physical activity can be hugely beneficial, and there are plenty of activities available to suit all interests - like art classes, sports teams, theater and music. During the pandemic, parents have been getting inventive in this arena, setting up virtual art classes and zoom game nights, so that kids can still interact and stay engaged. Another great way to foster connection is conversation. Talking to preteens (not at them) and really being present in conversations helps them to understand and process their emotions, build confidence and make meaningful connections with adults and peers alike. Such conversations take practice and should be encouraged. In addition, adults should be aware of the online spaces their preteens inhabit and know how to appropriately intervene should they become concerned. Remaining in close communication with parents, teachers and peers could alert an adult to any sign of mental distress. It’s important to remember that preteens are still learning and developing. It's natural that they will explore the world around them, both offline and online. But understanding that having unlimited access to screens and the potential dangers that holds can help adults create safe and healthy boundaries for today’s preteens.
  4. My heart stopped when I read the text from my partner: “I have to do this, goodbye.” I never expected those words to be followed by a single gunshot. Shaking, I grabbed my keys and rushed to the scene; only arriving shortly after he had taken his own life. My mind raced with so many questions. Why did he do it? What had happened? What could I have done differently? As my emotions took over, so did a daunting suspicion. Could he have cheated? The thought of infidelity felt like a dagger through my heart. The idea that he had been unfaithful was unbearable. But if I were honest with myself, there were signs. Signs that I should have listened to or noticed but instead chose to ignore. It was hard to process these feelings of betrayal and grief at the same time. How can someone feel so love and anger simultaneously? So, what should I do if I think he might have cheated? First, it is important to remember that no matter what we discover about him, there is still a need for self-care. The overwhelming emotions that have arisen are valid, yet should not be allowed to consume our lives. Second, it is worth acknowledging that our doubts may not be correct. In any case, there is no way to know for sure. My partner is gone and I must accept that his secrets have gone with him. Third, it is necessary to seek out professional help. Finding a support network or talking to a therapist can help give us a safe space to work through our feelings as well as to understand how to move forward. Finally, it is essential to let go of all the “what-ifs” and “whys” that plague our mind. Turning guilt and regret into acceptance can eventually lead to a peaceful healing process. These steps may not provide the answers that I am searching for. However, they can offer some form of closure and give perspective on how to navigate my chaotic emotions.
  5. By Margarita Nahapetyan There is a number of factors which can contribute to the risk of suicide, such as psychiatric disorder, drug or alcohol abuse, previous self-harm, upbringing, smoking and so on. Among employed individuals, doctors (in particular, female), veterinary surgeons, pharmacists, nurses, dentists and farmers are all at most risk of committing suicide as they have easy access to drugs or poisons which can be used for killing oneself. These are the findings that have been reported in the latest issue of the medical journal the Lancet. More and more people commit suicide during a current time of global recession. Suicidal attempts also increase during springtime, making this spring a dangerous combination. Each year, nearly 1 million people commit suicide, which accounts for 1.5 per cent of all deaths throughout the world, according to researchers Keith Hawton of Oxford University and Kees van Heeringen of University Hospital in Gent, Belgium. The scientists also found that there is a great difference in suicide rates between countries and regions of the world and even across different latitudes. Within Europe, rates are generally higher in northern countries compared to southern countries. Finland, Latvia, Hungary, China, Japan and Kazakhstan all have exceptionally high rates of suicide, 20 per 100,000 people or higher. In Lithuania the rate is almost 40 per 100.000 people. Suicide is a major concern in former Soviet republics, the study says. More than 30 per cent of all suicides worldwide occur in China, where 3.6 per cent of all deaths happen by suicide. This number is far above its proportion of the global population. In developed countries, the male-to-female ratio for suicide is between 2 to 1 and 4 to 1, and the numbers seem to be climbing up. Asian countries typically show much lower male-to-female ratios, but these might also be increasing. However, in China more female than male appear to die by killing themselves. Just below the world average of 15 suicides per 100,000 people are the United States, Canada and Australia, while rates dropped below 5 per 100,000 in Greece, Mexico, Brazil, Iran and Egypt. In the United States, white individuals have higher suicide rates compared to Hispanics or African Americans, though this gap is narrowing due to a surge in death rates among young black men, the investigators say. In most countries, senior citizens have the highest suicide rates, however, in the past 50 years rates have risen in young people as well, and particularly in men during springtime. Differences between the two genders show up in methods of suicide chosen. In general, men prefer to choose more violent means for suicide, such as fire arms and hanging, while women opt for less violent means, such as poisoning themselves. Different populations use differing suicide methods. For example, women in South Asia commonly set fire to themselves to commit suicide. According to one theory, the reasons behind suicide are biological, with the change of season after a period of extended dark days without sun, provoking some as yet unknown neuro-chemical imbalance. Another theory is social: witnessing other individuals who seem to be more happy with their life may be especially hard to take at that time of year. Suicide, not surprisingly, is quite common among people without a job, though there may also be a secondary association with mental illness or psychiatric disorder, which can often be a barrier to finding and maintaining a job. The authors said that future studies and research on this matter must concentrate on the "development and assessment of empirically based suicide-prevention and treatment protocols. The challenges of preventing suicide in developing countries need particular attention, because most research comes from developed countries, but most deaths by suicides happen in developing countries."
  6. By Margarita Nahapetyan Individuals with chronic sleep problems are at an increased risk of attempting to kill themselves, suggests a new report by U.S scientists. The more types of sleep disturbances a person has - such as waking up too early, at least 2 hours before the alarm goes on, difficulty to fall asleep or walking in the night - the more are the chances of suicidal thoughts, planning a suicide, or committing it, researchers reported at the World Psychiatric Association's international conference in Florence, Italy. About one out of 10 people have insomnia, said Dr. Alexandros N. Vgontzas, director of the Sleep Research and Treatment Center at the Penn State College of Medicine in Hershey. Previous studies have shown that people with insomnia have increased levels of the stress hormone cortisol, as well as greater activation of the sympathetic nervous system, and develop psychiatric problems such as anxiety and depression. Very often lack of sleep has been associated with depression and other mental disorders, but it has not often been studied as a possible reason for people feeling suicidal, the experts said. For the new study, a lead investigator, Dr. Marcin Wojnar, a research fellow at the University of Michigan and an associate professor of psychiatry at the University of Warsaw in Poland, and his colleagues, involved 5,692 American volunteers, both male and female. Of all the participants, a third - 35 per cent - said that they had at least one of the three sleep problems during the preceding year. These included either difficulty falling asleep, trouble staying asleep or waking at least two hours earlier than desired. The authors took into consideration factors that have been know to trigger suicide risk, such as drug abuse, depression, mood disorders, cancer, heart disease, lung disease, stroke, gender, age, and financial and marital status. After all, they found that: People who woke up too early in the morning were twice more likely to develop suicidal thoughts in the preceding 12 months, compared to individuals with no sleep problems. They also were 2.1 times more likely to have planned suicide and 2.7 times more likely to have attempted to kill themselves. Those who found it hard to fall asleep were 5.1 times more likely to think about killing themselves, compared to those who did not report sleep problems. They were also 9.1 times more likely to have planned suicide and 7.5 times more likely to have attempted suicide within the past 12 months. And finally, people who kept waking in the night and took an hour or more to get back to sleep had a slightly increased risk of contemplating about suicide and attempting it. Scientists have associated sleep deprivation with an increased suicidal risk in people with psychiatric disorders and in adolescents but it is uncertain whether the link can be attributed to the general population, the researchers said. The experts say that it is not clear yet why lack of sleep raises the suicide risk, but they assume that it may make the brain work less efficiently, leading to poorer judgment, less impulse control and increased feelings of hopelessness. According to the World Health Organization, suicide is a huge problem worldwide, with an estimated of 877,000 people killing themselves every year. Mental-health experts at the U.N agency report that way more people - perhaps 10 to 40 times more - try to commit suicide than actually kill themselves. The study was funded by the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, the U.S. National Institute on Drug Abuse, the U.S. National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism and the U.S. National Institute of Mental Health.
  7. By Margarita Nahapetyan There is a new evidence that summer jobs for teenagers appear to be much more than just a way to make some extra money. A new study from the University of Iowa has found that summer jobs can significantly reduce suicidal attempts in at-risk teens, developing self-esteem in them. According to the research, conducted by Rob Baller, associate professor of sociology at the UI College of Liberal Arts and Sciences, and Kelly Richardson, a data analyst at the Iowa City Veterans Affairs Medical Center, summer employment and receiving monetary compensation provide teens with more satisfaction than having a job during the school year, being a part of a church, participating in sport activities, or living in a 2-parent home. The scientists said that the benefit of summer job is primarily associated with development of self-esteem in teenagers, who feel less isolated and more important when they can contribute something into their home. In addition, summer employment does not interfere with school work and attendance in the way a job during the school year would. The experts also found that at-risk teens are more likely to develop suicidal thoughts if a friend of their friend attempts or commits a suicide. According to the estimates by The National Institute for Mental Health, there are ten other suicide attempts for every one suicide death of a teenager. Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of mortality in teenagers. There are many risk factors that can increase teen suicide attempts, such as heavy alcohol drinking, physical fights, extreme overweight, same-sex relationship issues and rape victimization. Among teens who experience some of these risk factors, getting a paid summer employment with at least 20 hours per week, can be very beneficial and helpful in creating immunity against the friend-to-friend diffusion of suicidal thoughts and behaviors. Younger at-risk teens, who are up to 16 years of age, can work just 10 hours a week in the summer in order to get the same benefit. The more teens integrate socially and are being exposed to other people, the better for them, said Richardson. However, she noted that currently, at the tough time of economic recession, it might be harder for teens to find a job in summer. The percentage of unemployed teens climbed nearly to 22 per cent this year, far higher than the rates for adults, according to the latest U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics. The UI experts suggested that finding a job within the home or from a family friend could be considered as an option of a summer work for teens. Researchers were careful and warned that while summer employment can be helpful and beneficial, it should not appear as another reason which would expose at-risk teens to additional problems. "If the work is isolated, [teens] still have the structure but no integration," Richardson said. Working teenagers can be vulnerable to workplace harassment because of their inexperience and the ease with which they can be replaced, Baller said. Therefore, teens in the work should never tolerate any harassment or force, and should be encouraged to immediately speak openly with their parents and supervisors in case they experience it, he concluded. The findings of the study are an analysis of the information from the 1994-1996 National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health, which included friendship networks of 2,000 students at 15 junior and senior high schools. The study will be published in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior.
  8. By Margarita Nahapetyan Childhood abuse can permanently alter the way DNA works, leaving victims with lasting effect on their brain, and therefore making them more vulnerable to stressful events throughout their lives, and even suicide-prone, reports a new Canadian study. According to researchers at Montreal's McGill University and Douglas Institute, abuse and traumas at an early age, as well as bad maternal care, lead to a later development of anxiety and depression. The scientists found clear changes in the brains of people who were abused as children and who committed suicide compared with those who were not abused and died in suicidal accidents. For the research, Prof. Michael Meaney of McGill University and his colleagues at the Singapore Institute for Clinical Sciences, examined the brain tissue of 36 males in Quebec. The study looked at 12 suicide victims who were abused as children, 12 suicide victims who had no history of such abuse, and 12 other people who had just accidental deaths. The abuse included severe physical abuse, sexual abuse and severe neglect. The investigators found that there were different epigenetic markings in the brains of the abused victims. In their report they wrote that these markings control a stress-activated biological mechanism known as the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA), a function in the brain which regulates stress responses. It has been known for a certain time that HPA pathway can have harmful effects with its higher activity linked to mood disorders, schizophrenia and an increased risk of suicide. The glucicorticoid receptor gene affected by abuse at an early age normally acts as a brake on the pathway of HPA. Less activity of the gene leads to an overload in HPA, causing therefore, greater risk for negative emotions. Epigenetics is a process in which gene activity can be permanently altered by influences of the environment. With more and more evidence, scientists are coming to the conclusion that it can have far-reaching influences, even reaching down the generations. Suicide victims with a history of child abuse had lowered activity of this gene, compared to men who died from a sudden, accidental death and who have not been abused in their childhood. The scientists did not also find any of such differences among suicide victims without a history of childhood abuse. The researchers are now trying to find out whether other genes and behaviors are being affected by abuse. "Individuals who are abused are also more likely to develop obesity," said Meaney, who plans to determine if that also may be related to genes being turned on or off in response to early traumas or abuse. Further research on brain tissue can help investigators develop intervention and prevention programs in order to help people, the researchers added. Earlier, negative experience at an early childhood has been shown to cause long-term genetic changes in the stress response pathway in rats, but this is the first evidence to show that the same thing also happens in humans. The research was funded by the Canadian Institutes for Health Research and the U.S. National Institute of Child Health and Development. A paper on the study is published in the journal Nature Neuroscience.
  9. sorry for the upsetting subject matter bellow. i don’t know if i’m allowed to post this here. i’ve attempted in the past and failed twice. i took a bottle of ibuprofen a few years ago but all it did was make me sick for a couple days. i have very little prescription meds as well as about 48,000mg (two bottles) of advil pm. would that be enough to kill me? ive been incredibly nauseous lately so i don’t know if i’ll even be able to keep down half a bottle. are there any faster at home methods? i don’t have access to a gun or that would be my option. there aren’t any tall buildings or bridges close to me either. any response is appreciated
  10. My ex is and what he did is really getting to me, I know it sounds selfish but I wish I could just keep being hurt or me hurting myself non stop as I'm finding it hard and I'm really feeling ***ed up. I honestly, do not know if what he did can keep me alive, I feel so hopeless and alone and my head is full of rubbish I cannot cope I really just want a hug 😭
  11. To be honest at 1st I didn't want to post any of my poems here but im at my lowest and it feels good to know there are people out there who listen This one is about my battle with suicide I have thoughts everyday As the days go by I miss your touch so my dark suicidal thought are a must do I let the noose kiss my neck or the blade hold my vain some say my thoughts are selfish and vain but you not understand my pain should I let the gas shut my brain down or jump from the highest thing in town my lovely suicide my lovely suicide why wont your thought subside
  12. Every moment is a constant struggle Every moment is a constant huddle Thinking if I get over it Somehow I can just make it Then something gets in my way And I spend all day Trying to make it go away See I smile, but it hides A pain that I keep buried inside It's under lock and key and can't be released Filed away in my memories I can remember when I first thought about suicide Age 10, wishing I could die Didn't want to slit my wrist Didn't know you could die like this I saw on tv that a doctor killed the elderly Assisted suicide, somewhat of a felony Its illegal thats what the law says Thought if I knew the guy everything would be okay 15 years later and still dreading everyday This ain't no suicide note so don't be stressing Just writing about the pain that's been festering There are times when I can't get out of bed There's a pain throbbing in my head I look over at the girl next to me Numbing all my misery She looks at me with those beautiful eyes Just another reason to live this lie Maybe one day I grow up and be big Fans coming asking for my sig Till that day I won't be content Just another negro late on his rent
  13. You heard of Suicide Letters and Cliff Notes Now I'm picking up the tempo I wanna die Shotgun blast right through my eyes Cut off ties I don't need you and you don't me Just leave me to contemplate my misery You never cared so what's it to you A woman made of lies I wish I could have seen right through you You came built me up Feel me up like I gave a You with my head Sprawled naked on my bed Legs up, Causing all kinds of ruckus Under the covers Now you leave With me on my knees I gave up everything for you I only live to adore you I'm mad depressed Getting off my chest I left my family because of you Left my job because of you Left my friends because of you Even made friends with the people you introduced to You were my queen Now you a bad dream Tearing at the seams I just want to scream I wanna get rid of all this hurt Of all this dirt Damn it hurts How could I be so dumb Chalk it up to being full of cum I wish I could go back in time Click stop and hit rewind Then I find you are an imposter Like Mr. Brooks starring Kevin Costner So just to reiterate You are the person that I hate.
  14. Hello There seems to be alot of people round here with depression. I know that loads of people between the ages of 15-30 end up dead because of it and as the long days and longer nights slowly pass by I can feel myself getting closer to the edge. I am 20 years old and think I have a social phobia that has prevented me from getting very far in life, and will probably only hinder me in the future. Maybe my social phobia is my depression or maybe they're the same thing. Anyhow, whatever it is, it won't leave me alone and will always keep me from knowing anyone. Suicide is not a good thing, I know, and if anyone out there is thinking about it, just send me a message and we can chat. Y'know I feel so weak and lifeless but I also know I'm not the only one. It's the same old story the world over. I don't want to be remembered as a guy who walked off a cliff one day coz he was tired of it all, but the fact that I'm not scared of doing it is the really frightening thing. Maybe this is a cry of help, I mean why the hell have I come to this site anyway? I don't know if it'll ever change, in England life is always grey. "The game of life is hard to play, I'm gonna lose it anyway". Phill phillipcranmer@blueyonder.co.uk [/b]
  15. Hi, I am here because, I want to know how to overcome my dilemma of commiting suicide. I have had a hellish life, everday from, 1 to 24, I have seen hell. However it is not the hell, that is driving me to suicide. It is the absolute lack of purpose in life. No matter what I do, I just can't fill this emptiness inside me. I have tried everything, socializing, pursuing interests, academia, relationships, activities. Yet, no matter what I do, I am always feeling empty, chasing winds, running like a gerbil on a wheel, getting nowhere - a state that is not either living, or dead, somewhere in between. Absolutely nothing to drive me. It's painful to continue to live like this. For 2 years, I have gone into isolation, living with my single mother, I have not even stepped out of the house. I have become quite a burden on her, and she on me. I have told her, how much pain I am enduring by living, but she emotionally blackmails me, telling me, how much I will hurt her, if I commited suicide, how selfish I will be, and how she will do the same, If I do. She says she understands my pain, but whenever I discuss suicide, she lashes out at me instantly, and it's always the same selfish desire, "Don't hurt me, you hurt me when you say that" I have stopped discussing this issue with her, and this has given her some false sense of security, that as long as I'm not talking about it, everything is ok. It's not OK; it never was. The fact, that im confined in the 4 walls of my room, and that I am doing nothing, and that I am hurt is irrelavant to her. You know the extent, of how much she does not understand me? She brings food to me every few hours, sometimes fruit, sometimes dinner, sometimes take-away, and I tell her, I feel insulted, that she's doing this. Yet, she does it anyway, even when I repeat my words to her everytime. She's actually physically rendered me inert, as she mothers me, nutures me, that I cannot even amass the energy to do anything anymore. She is content in doing this, and continuing this, feeding me, keeping my alive, assuring herself, "I am ok" and playing on the role of mother for an indefinite period of time, when she cannot understand how it's actually hurting me, bruising my self-worth and ego, and making it much harder for me to end my life. She has even got me psychiatric help, and she naively believes, they are going to cure me. When there is nothing wrong with my mental health, something even they testify too. It is just my philosophy of life, that is not compatible with me leading a successfull life. Whenever I arise the will to kill myself, I am faced with the dilemma of my mother. Yet, if I live, im living, only to keep her content, but for myself, all I have to endure is pain, sustained pain, for the rest of my life. Then there is another part of me, that actually wants to live, and find meaning in life. I have researched extensively, into science, religion, consciousness, reincarnation, soul, to find the purpose in life. Yet, it has only further proved there is none. In fact, our very existence is just an illusion in an infinite space time continum, that consists of infinite realities and infinite parallel realities. I wish there was a switch, I could just flick, and cease to exist. It's just not that easy. I need to make an effort to commit suicide, and I just can't make that effort. Is there something I can do, that will just end me, instantly. I thought about jumping of a high-rise building, but I do not have the impetus to make myself do that. I want something that will put me to sleep, and from which I will never wake up again. I don't want to feel physical pain. I have endured pain all my life, and I don't want to willingly become a center of pain. I know I have to come terms with death, as it is a certain event in life, and it's easier when death comes to you, but I can't wait that long - I want to go to death myself. Yet making this choice is not easy for me, and I don't know how much longer I can take this. Please offer me advice.
  16. Need some comments and suggestions... A friend asked that I illustrate his short story, the end scene of which is the lovers in a final embrace after they have both committed suicide. I've reworked the woman's neck a couple of times and have become frustrated. I don't want to do any more work on it because the integrity of the paper will start to suffer. I'm wondering if it is realistic looking as is or if I do need to change her throat (maybe some suggestions as to what its lacking). link removed
  17. Human Through the heart's yearning I've felt a place where souls bathe each other in unconditional light Eternal warmth flows through caresses enfolding; they nurse the deepest, vilest scars only with certainty that you and I are the same Credit is no currency, only the privilege of giving and receiving And if that fails to comfort, the vision of possibility radiating as a sphere amidst a field of whispers, illuminates darkest doubt. Doctors, merchants, lords, an aviatrix gather in silent conclave with spirits of the past - a Joan of Arc, a Lincoln, a child, lovers, a nameless suicide, a murderer condemned... What would the dead tell us if we gave them voice? Ask again: who's to say what tomorrow holds? Adrift in a universe whose secrets we cannot plumb, we bumble like astronauts whose only contact with Home is a small and crackly radio Today I may fly, as in dreams we share to visit you, bouquet in hand Nevermind that cold stone - The Great Wall of China could not reach here, nor touch that inner freedom to paint sapphire skies upon the world's cold oceans. Through the mind's eye I've seen a place free from pinning daggers of circumstance, free from shackles of static failure... Each of us may pioneer her own piece of the Divide, employing broken bones in sanctuaries of sturdy truth ...Would you meet me there? Would you grant me bliss of your presence? Perhaps we may unearth that ancient art, and wielding its power unfold what it means to be Human
  18. Fade to black Whiskey and pills No way back Lost will, forever still World in past Blood spilled My life I have killed Kids laugh and cry Love destroyed never to return Suicide in my eyes So many ways So many reasons Life faded away Heart torn and betrayed No more tears no more laughs Joy and misery combined Another world left behind God tried to take me once Now I want to go Me he no longer wants
  19. My girlfriend cuts herself and i don't know what to do... She hadn't cut herself for a while, because i said "if you cut yourself again, I will too," but last night, she asked me if it was o.k. if she cut herself... and i said that i really don't want her to, but then it is her body, and she can do what she wants... but it really makes me worried about her, I love her more than anybody in the world, and i just don't know what to do... she's depressed, and she says she wants to kill herself... i said that if she killed herself, then i would too, because i can't go on without her. she thinks that she's not worth it... and... yeah... i just want her to be okay.
  20. hi i am 17 years old and last year my mum commited suicide. i am finding it hard to cope and cut on a daily basis. i want to stop but i am stuggling with lots of other things in my life that are making it impossible to focus on stopping. i get images in my head of my mum burning (she set herslf on fire) and i dream about her all the time. i had alot of problems with my mum when she was alive as she was mentally ill and was an alcoholic but i now feel guilty for not helping her enough to be able to let her know that i was there for her. i cant stop thinking that it is my fault that she is dead and i feel really bad for my little sister who is now in foster care. i visit my sister once a month and she asked me things about our mum. i dont know what to say to her as it just upsets me. i have a psychiatrist, psychotherapist and i go to anger management sessions . i am also on medication but nothing seems to be helping me. i have also recently started to see people around me burst into flames which sends me into a panic attack. my teachers at college know of my problems and support me but i feel that i am letting everyone down. please help, i dont know what to do. is this normal for someone who is grieving or am i just crazy?
  21. I am flying on wings, Made in heven, By those who miss me, In the brilient white, Surrounded By your everlast love, Doing all I wished to do, Flying to abroad, Seeing those, Who long ago passed, Sitting on the sofa, Beside you, Watching, Everything we used to, I'm talking with you, Even when, I thought you hated me. I sometimes wish I hadn't passed, To be beside you this very day, To hold on to you, Protect you our family and eachother. Do not remember me in vein, I am an angel now, Looking over you, Forever and always. i know it doesnt rhyme, but i just wanted to post it.
  22. thx for clicking i have two questions , i have been going thrugh a lot latly , my g/f cheated on me , i have been cutting myself worse then usual i cant get enouph, im pretty much obsessed , i have dreams , flashes , and desires to kill people , for a while i stoped feeling the killing desire but it came back and i dont enjoy anything that i used to , the best parts of my day are when my parents go to bed and i can be bymyself and no one talks to me but these are the times i cut myself , i can hardly eat or sleep i have like one meal a day and i usually force my self that , i feel like i have no one to turn to absolutly no one ! my question is does anyone think its a bad idea to tell my mom she is probly the best choice but she still callls me her baby i would hate to tell her everything, i dont like my dad very much he flips out over the stupidest stuff , but at least he doesnt hit me , my sis or my mom , so any ideas on what to do ? and my second question is does anyone know any songs that might resemble my prob or might help me out ? music usually makes me feel better if i can relate thx for reading this far and if you post
  23. Wendy O. Williams 1949 - 1998 image removed image removed image removed Final Days (Another Angry Tribute) You were rocking in the aisle at the Perkins one night Gunpowder burns in a hot white spotlight Leaped from my seat and we danced and I knew It didn't mean a f___ing thing to you Queen of shock rock Bi-color Mohawk A pig that wears a wig Is a big blonde pig We all would eat it Everything's pretend But the animal's best friend Had nothing to defend You were rocking down in London town with Lemmy and his band But it wouldn't be your plan to "Stand By Your Man" Just a bunch of words and you laughed and they knew That nothing meant a f___ing thing to you Did you have to shoot? Did Lemmy wear a monkey suit? I wonder what you wrote In your suicide note I wouldn't read it Powder burns again Wasted in the end There's nothing to defend
  24. It started 5 years ago when we first talking on the net, well 3 years into our online chatting things got personal..we started talking about meeting eachother, but we were never able to cause of the obstacles like high school and jobs kept us trapped..in april 24th, i took an airplane down here(WV) to meet here, exactly one month from that day i went to california and took her with me, and i grabbed all my belongings and moved here..to be with her, well we had the most awesomist relationship, i loved her so much and i still do, its august now, and shes saying she wants a break from all this, and she wants us to be broken up, i know i should respect her for that..but deep down it kills me, and i have been thinking about suicide...cause i have nothing in california, and ill i have here is her, i know not to tell her that ive been thinking of suicide cause i dont want her to think shes stuck with me cause of that...all i know is i want her back..and if i cant have her...ever then i will probably most likely kill myself...she is my only true love..she will always be my true love...but thats just to me..
  25. Well, you have coaxed a few more out of me.....I'll insert some of the shorter ones so as not to bore This one is just a contemplation one i suppose. Inspire Hello to the earth, and all of its creations. I know we've never met before but you're my inspiration Every little leaf that moves, and every bird that sings. Helps me on my way to learn many special things. This next one was written for my best friend who's dad committed suicide. SILVER Silver shadows follow you, to you they must seem dark. Shining lights are showing you, to you there must seem none. Loving hands will comfort you, like the earth grows from the sun. Golden thoughts will shower you, from down here and from above. This one is just, well, i'm not sure, it just is. FLEA What a life it would be living as a flea All my food and all my rent I would get for free Never paying money No bills nor ills you see, Wouldn't it be great, living as a flea As is this one.... HOW How can a landmine be misused? How can a child be slightly abused? How can an eye be worth an eye, if from one two shall die? This next one was from the darker side of my "depression" I have a lot like this, more about contemplating what i would be thinking if i was to die Final Passage All i hear is my breath, it belongs to me no more, for the passage has been travelled, and at the end there is a door. I do not want to open it, I fear the other side, All the little sins i have, all the little lies. Is it heat and fury from Satans wicked charm, Or is it golden rays of light, where God will hold me in his arms. This one is a self justifaction for lying, which i tend to believe. Truthless What is the truth to hear as it echoes through your ear. Is it worth it, all the fear or would a lie prevent the tear. Last one for today is the reason its a good idea to let go and cry sometimes After the storm Cry....please cry, you musy cry until your dry, as the tears will flow they look clear, but with each tear, is an ounce of fear, a part of hurt and a piece of shame, as the tears relieve your pain. Let them create the raging rivers, spilling down your chin which quivers Create the storm of emotions, as after which is the calmest oceans. Blooopity bloooop blooop, thanks for reading
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