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About Me

  1. Dear Reader, a little about your mind , a little about your thoughts is all you need to put yourself in a hole of never ending doubt. how it makes you feel less , how it makes you feel incomplete and how your mind rips the very chord out of you. self doubt ,suicide and dropping down to your own floor , never wanting to get up again. These are my demons , these thoughts holding me back theses dark days in a mind which is a dark sky that never seems to lighten up. How there would be a wish of just clearing it all, if it was only possible to turn a switch off in a mind strangling your very YOU and telling you how you will fail... This YOU is a mind of self doubt and restriction on possible freedom of becoming more but it makes you rip every happy , every luck and replace it with shroud and self conflict. How i would wish to find another to see thru this non stop darkness...
  2. Please don't judge this too harshly. I'm not a poet. Dreamscapes Merge With Lifescapes challenging old ways of thinking, with an elegance. just letting it go letting it stay in my inner world pursued by the relentless whip bearer the poor girl i'm the girl. the poor girl ready to come out of her cave, her prison she will try again and again to climb out of the pit it's not that deep the world shakes and changes the eyesight shifts its all up and down now up, now down left and right left right real unreal clear and foggy ecstatic, tranquil, terror, boredom, mundane like tremors puzzle pieces shifting to recombine into new disorienting forms puzzles don't do that my endless shame, the lacerating prison, the hell that en-cages me suddenly is hope, liberation the illustrator of lush, sensuous dreams a firm restraint blocking my path a partner in this dance to learn his body to push back to dance with elegance joy love ideals i strive to discarding the self molding it anew witnessing the process handling it with care with love with attention the kind I never got
  3. My eyes soaked red, my heart bruised blue, These words can't sum the pain left by you. Dropped by the world, that which was you, disabled it left me, my time was due. With nothing to turn to, nothing to lose, I welcomed the Devil, all Hell broke loose. In my recluse, I found but one friend, substance abuse, I was nearing my end. I threw myself into Pandora's box, who would've known that this place had locks. The days felt like years, but all in my head, the world didn't care, time goes on instead. Trapped in this box, the prison of my mind, my vision of the world is that of the blind. Monsters and demons eating away at my soul, At this point, there's no way that I may ever feel whole. If my life were a train, this must be the end, the tracks had two paths, I chose the dead end. Years gone by, I was still stuck in the past, but now I'm breaking through that nightmarish vast. I can finally see the sky that is blue, the dark clouds are fading, and so did my desire for you. Decided to write this poem on a whim. I can't even remember the last time I ever wrote or read a poem. I'm just trying new avenues to express myself and gauge my abilities to poetry. I really don't know what possessed me to even write this, I really don't know. Anyhow, thought I'd share. I'll admit it's not a great poem, I think it's too predictable and simplistic. Now I'm really starting to wonder why did I even write this. Guess I must be pretty out of it.
  4. Never knew I could feel like this again As if I forgotten what the sky looks like Forgotten what the birds sound like I am free Free from the shackles you placed on my heart From this prison you put me in when I was innocent Free to give it to someone who deserves it Unlike you. You let the fire of our love die out It can never be lit again Somedays and forevers have come and gone and now all you are is a memory You carved your name into my heart But it moved into the back of it Nothing but a distant memory of love and loss. This is goodbye. Good bye to the person I thought I knew Good bye to the person I didnt Good bye to the love I once had for you Good bye to the tears i wasted over you Good bye to you.
  5. Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror And wondered is this really you Is this really what you've become Thru all the everyday battles and struggles Is this how your gonna live your life Im still a victim of my past It haunts me everyday It feels like forever since i felt normal I dont really know if i ever even felt normal for me Its just everything isnt the way i thought it would be Nothing turned out alright I sometimes ask myself what do i have to live for I still ask myself that I live in a prison of broken dreams and empty promises My life just goes in one big vicious cycle and i dont really see a way out I just dont see that stopping me I havent really wrote like this in years I could show you what i was writing before and it was like i was crazy I dont even know if i really was or wasnt Everything is all mixed in gray Nothing is black or white I look at myself or try not to look at myself everyday I just really dont want this to be the truth of my life I wanted so much more but i can barely make it out of my front door now Im just lost in this type of vertigo phase where nothing seems real or fake Its all in just bits and pieces Nothing is clear I just hope that somewhere along this life of mine that things fall into place Ive been thru too much to always have to struggle like this all the time Its just i dont really know if thats the type of life i was born to have All my life its been one hardship after the other I guess that will be just another chapter in my life good or bad but will the main character in my story make it or will he just be another tragedy waiting to happen
  6. The ride home from work It seems so pleasant The wind in your hair the driving music, oh so loud Then it hits you! Your stomach gurgles Then it goes away Phew, thank God You're so far from home Traffic stops, must be something ahead It hits you again It doesn't go away this time Don't panic, deep breath Oh no not gonna make it, need a bathroom Please protect me as i weave in and out of traffic I'll get a ticket if i get on the shoulder I don't care, im gonna go for it Speed up the shoulder, pray nobody opens their door Pray theres no police around If they only knew my dilemma Next rest stop one mile ahead Gurgle gurgle gurgle, im not waiting Floor the gas, Oh there it is, THANK YOU Oh no, the reason for this traffic, the guy in the shoulder, stalled gotta get around gotta get around gotta get around ok got around, back to the shoulder ut oh, there's a cop he spotted me, here he comes get a ticket, and go in my pants or make it to the rest stop, go, get a ticket and maybe arrested i'll gun it heres the rest stop run run run to the bathroom theres a line, oh no, oh my God, what am i going to do i can see the policeman outside, he's probing around for my car i've got 30 seconds left to do something or it's gonna get messy look at the men's room, long line, i push through the line, surely all the stalls aren't taken one stall open, yes yes yes, oh my god photo finish oh my god door slams open covered with pee, hair and a foul stench unimaginable run get some towels, wet them, lil soap man runs into my stall SIR SIR SIR SIR, Please sir i really have to go So do i Sir you don't understand, i'll give you money, please let me go how much? Here's ten dollars, please please, let me in, excuse me drop the money on the pee covered floor, umm sorry ........... ten minutes later slooowww down back outside, done, no pressure, feel so much better Oh my God, my CAR! the Cop! what if....... phew, there it is And there's the officer, leaning against my door, sippin coffee Heres your ticket son, you got a bad tail light, get that looked at, hope it all came out ok...
  7. alone in this world i shall be a captive prisoner, yearning to be free as though my life was cursed with a spell i continue to wish upon an empty well i trip over rocks on the road each night but cannot see for there is no light forgotten, alone and hurting to die with a soul so empty i cannot cry like a black star on a dark, cold night knowing it will never be alright i am drifting away and tearing apart from a broken life and a lonely heart i am a wilted rose with deadly thorns i am dying inside ,yet no one mourns and my dreams for tomarrow are fading away i pray to god, but the sky remains gray i am waiting here with patience thiinning just to find out it is only the beginning i fall on the road with existence unclear but yet remain unwanted
  8. From the Eyes Of Cecil Manner: from the Oakland correctional Facility Oakland, California 11:19 am Reporter: where here to take an indepth look at a man who had it all but now realizes what he really wanted was love but went the wrong way to find it...... ------------------------------------------ guard: who are you here to see..... Reporter: where the men sent from Long Island, New York to film the life of One Cecil Manner guard: Men From Long Island?.... Reporter: *flashes badge* guard: Ohhhhhh ure the guys from Long Island, right this way Reporter: Thank You sir guard: Alright Mr. Cecil is on Maximun Lockdown, you can only spend an Hour here.... ----------------------------------------------------- Reporter: Hello Mr. Manner Cecil: *gets up from prayer* hello there young man, you must be the guys from New York.....we'll we only got an hour, i'll fill you in on my life.... ------------------------------------- [verse 1] The Early age Of Cecil Manner: Age 12-19 about face and moveout, blackout phaze and shootout..... killin innocent people yet again we r takin dis same route..... I live as an x-con tryna make the world a better place..... but the human race is obnoxious and evil we embrace.... i retrace my life and see my actions a young male in Oakland.... hopin for White skies and peace, but saw fight arise and increase..... my frieds now deceased, we fought for nonething tryna kill police.... i took shots at em n cried, think if they shot me and i died.... but pride tied my mind until me and the real me had to devide.... i lived n dopehouses, and scopein to rape spouses...... im full of hatred and evil, im the devil times a thousand..... riots are what i lived for! bashin and smashin windows then dashin.... im trashin my community and not caring if ure asking.... ----------------------------------- {Skit} Reporter: Mr. Manner.... Cecil Manner: Call me Cecil young man Reporter: Ok Cecil is their anything that you regret in life Cecil: The actions i made as a young child, i thought i was cool n all i got the girls and the cars but what i didnt realize is that i was internally dying every minute that i was living.... -------------------------------- [verse 2] The Downfall Of Cecil Manner age 20-22 never thought i would get caught, i was the one screamin "F" the po-po..... but on the lo though, my friends was snitchin out my every move..... confused now i ask myself why did i want to hang witht the crews.... im livin as ah youngster, i dropped outta high school to work the streets..... slangin dope to eat, but number one on my list was Money and whores.... i adored the life of those who did what it took to gain more.... there was nonething i didnt have, sex with the finest hoes.... excuse my language let me expose the rest of what happened.... at 22 i was sentenced to life in prison on to many accounts to name.... im the one to blame, look at the monster that i became!!!!!!!!! where are my frineds now, thay havent even payed a visit...... vivid memoried, play in my head how we would hang together.... thru any weather my friends said they would be down for whatever... but when tha cops came, the fled, left me with a pistol an a man layin in red..... i ran from block 2 block firing shots tryna to kill these cops...... i stopped at the intersection takin the wrong direction still shootin 4 protection.... im down to one bullet, i put it to my head but i refused to pull it.... i admit i was nervous and shakin, cuz the penatentary was waitin.... i told em to come get me, take me dead or alive i shout....... i listened to pride, and shot tha last bullet thats when my soul cried out..... ------------------------------------- Reporter: wow Cecil thats really unfortunate to happen to you sir.... Cecil: nonething was unfortunate, i was dumb back then and i deserve every bit of what i have gotten..... Reporter: so is there any other moment that made you feel bad Cecil: *Starts to cry* when my mother seen me get my sentence..... Reporter: what did she say Cecil: Anytime your mom is behind that glass its an awful feeling, she cried her heart out and it made me look at my life, she knew she wasent gonna see her son out of jail ever again, *wipes a tear from his eye* and then i said momma i promise that i'll be out....... Reporter: ummm did you........ Cecil: naw my mother died 6 years ago of a massive heart attack, i failed on my promise, and it hurts until this day, but i know that im not going to give up........ Reporter: well theres only about 5 min left anything else you want to add? Cecil: all i can do now is go back to prayer.......... ---------------------------------------- [verse 3] Tha Prayer Of Cecil Manner: 33 yrs old attack of the Unholy rage and impure slaughters claimin lives of mothers n daughter, victims of opression.... depression constraints the mind n attacks the featus.... Oh Jesus can u help our community, its poverty strick'n... az problems thicken, children grow up evil n untaimed... cerebral wiff da aim of hatred as shells R dispersed n flamed.... reverse tha blame, the corruption of tha human society...... innocent people in jail, and elderly are hit with anxiety..... holy thoughts are aborted, as evil is steadily supported...... church is deported..the lamb of Christ is viciously defamed and acclaimed as unreal and people care not bout his sacrifice.... the afterlife of those who strife, will be in ah lake of dispair..... for the sake of those who care, i speak on the blessing of life depressing if u strife, ure life is to kill those who try and gain.... ure the ones who cause pain, and drag em to their execution.... thats not the solution, u'll end up juss as miserable as before.... and as u fall to the floor, u realize u claimed innocent blood..... and will b pnished from above, for the murder of creation.... this evil nation..........
  9. I would like some feedback on this poem. I am thinking of presenting it at a Poetry thingy at the end of May. ******************************************************** Midnight Sun accross the horizon a spirit breaks, A casting gray light, Foretelling of fate. A light of cold, As midnight comes, An unholy sight, The midnight sun. It turns the world around it, A dull blue gray, Creating a biting breeze, The one of pained fate. When you first feel it, This light of embrace, A warmth beneath your skin, A luring exchange. But this is a betrayal, This warmth that you feel, Is of your goodness being taken, The taking concealed. The warmth against your skin, Is not what it seems. It will leave you empty A shell of what could have been. The midnight sun Will entrance and take away, Taking all that is good And leaving you to decay. It will corrode your heart, And leave you cold Showing you a path, Compelling you to go. The path that it shows you, is that of gothic nightmares, Where darkness dwells Living on fears And on this path, you will see; Your mistakes, Your failings, And a future to be. The cold gray light will wear at your soul. Leaving you empty, And nowhere to go. It will only show you, The path it has made, Ignoring all means and possibilities, Nowhere to escape. The midnight sun will lead you through Shutting you in a world of hopelessness So cruel. For as long as you cast your gaze upon this light, The midnight sun you cannot fight, You are a prisoner of its fate. Blinded, forsaken. The life you exchanged. You won’t see the lives of those that you’ve affected, The ones of admiration, Feelings and hearts indebted. So close your eyes, Don’t give into its power. See the world around you, And what it has to offer. Building opportunities, From your strength within. The power to create a world, And begin again There is not just the one path revealed, There are many fates, Resting at your heels. The future is open, A gift at your hand, Which way will you take it? A fate to be had. Ignore the midnight sun, And the future it tells, It is of illusions, No logic, don’t fall for it’s spell The fabled fate it showed you, Was that of lies and deceit, To make you fall, Break you at your knees. Do not worry, You can stand, Create your own path Your future to have.
  10. The walls of the prison stand tall and firm They surround me now and close me in As my sentence is handed down to me My head hung low, it now begins To be so lost and so alone, it makes me numb right to the bone I can't change a thing, theirs nothing I can do But to live in pain, all my life through I never knew love the way it was meant to be Now the sky turns dark, I cannot see The pain is a reminder of who I once was Adn justice has been handed down from above My body is weak and this life of mine now fades I will always be looked at as an outcast A liar, cheat and now a slave My Body smells fowl from an ugly past As people avoid me and talk behind my back My wife, My boss my family my friends Wouldn't ever care if my life came to en end This is what I leave behind, the emptiness is all that you'll find Gary
  11. I forgot who I am This place inside me Blind folded and grimmed No time to dream So dangerous outside of you This place we've found We fall into danger As our desires go down I could sense it And I don't know how to move I could ignore it But I'm just in no mood I could speak it Unfold myself But the loss of change Has left the shelf I am dying for you now And I've found the clues The deciphering codes That lead into you I tend to lack communication And the cure for everything I can't make up my mind Instead I leave all these thoughts behind It's in the way you move Baby what you doin to me Can't stand it, can't hold back Everytime I see ya get Beautiful, Beautiful -- I am a prisoner of your guilty air May we agree at hand and heart In your eyes, through your hair The dark stage stands unbare Our mute reminders, what do we dare? In this world of waves Sacrificial tares in our brains I'll win or lose Either way, you blew the fuse Face to face Messages, from outter space I wont give it back At what I've done I wont embark I wont speak, I'll gather with my part -- "I Can't Wait to See Eachother Again" I don't know, what more to ask for Going out of my mind, just to be yours Cause I been through this before Heaven has been to far behind When everything else is a fade Like a star accross the sky It's not a secret anymore I can't wait to see eachother again From tonight I know your part of the plan It's a wonderous game When your giving chase I'm your biggest fan, And I don't want this to change I can't wait to see eachother again Your all that I need You cure me completely I've got my eyes shut It's deep in my soul How I'm touched My heart what you stole I can't wait to see eachother again -- I'll love to be forever Only for your assistance Hold on to me Dont let go of the resistance I shout and scream and I try But nothing seems together Now I'm fine But totally mad It makes me sad My doubting intensions Scared of devotion Lost in confusion Deep down inside my spirit dies Deep down inside your perfection survives Lately I been lost in unimaginry muteness Disturbed by the vibrant tone That's left me dowered with sickness It's beyond my resistance, while im alone So I point out to you, The explosions are prominant Not written in stone Vitalizing my memory, just for you, gold! So here is my vision If I am the storm, will you still wonder? If I am your control, then dont take me under If I am your recognition, then why leave me with depression? If your going to play me a dream Then change my visions.... And see what I see
  12. Hello my fellow prison mates!!!!!! I say prison mates because that's what it seems like. We're in this prison of heartbreak that our ex's put us in, someone we loved so dearly basically threw us in a prison cell of hell and took the key with them. Little do we know that we hold a duplicate key that we can chose to open up the cell, walk out and be FREE!!!!! Some of us chose to stay in the cell hoping the one we loved comes and sets us free, those of us that chose to stay in the cell call out to our ex's to save us, set us free, help us, come back!!!! All they say is "NO"..it's to late I'm done, I'm not in love with you anymore..... What gives these people we loved and trusted the right to smash our hearts into pieces, walk away and be happy????? Some may say that the dumper feels remorse and heartbreak too but it's really hard for me to believe this because I've been the dumper in 2 relationships and even though you feel bad you walk away happy because it's what I wanted. People don't do things on purpose to make themselves sad or unhappy so why would a dumper be sad after dumping us, they did it because tehy wanted to and thats what was going to make them happy. All I can say is that my ex shattered my dreams and future hopes of having a family with her and my son and our daughters. She chose to try it alone or take a chance with someone new. Relationships take work and if you're in a stage of relationship where things are tough then you work together to fix the problems and build a better relationship. The wrong thing to do that so many people seem to do these days is take the problems in the relationship as a sign, a sign that the relationship wasn't meant to be and is looking for that intial high you get when you meet someone new. In my case, I'm not sure if there is someone else or not but my gut feeling tells me there is even though she's denied it. If this is the case I wonder what the future will hold because all I can think about is her, the new guy and the kids being one happy family....... and I'm here alone left to pick up the pieces of my heart, my life and my soul with barely enough strength to move on, I love my son and her daughters, why would she chose to cut me out of their lives. Life is so unfair, especially when you loved someone that wasn't always the greatest person to you but you loved them to no end. Only for them to step on your heart and smash it into a million pieces and then walk away with no remorse. I havn't spoken to my ex in over 2weeks and it feels as if I just vanished off the face of the earth to her..... Why do these people get off the hook so easily and we're left in this prison of hell trying to fight our way out??!!!.....It's just not fair!!!!! Sorry for rambling but I had to get it out...today's been a bad day for me!!!! Houdini
  13. I at my age (yes 33) have developed an insecurity problem. I have anxiety issues that have caused me major setbacks in my life. I have these issues and yet I give people hypocritical advice on how to deal with such problems. Ever since then, the thought of worrying about what others think and say about me has plagued me for 5 years. I do not know where it has come from. I even have created self doubt in my abilities as a whole. Since these thindgs have occurred, I am unable to maintain or develop long lasting relationships with others. I feel tormented by others who choose to wickedly harass me everytime they see me at my school with vicious comments that effect my way of thinking and I have tried to handle the problem but with poor results. Sometimes I would react by lashing out, through violent attacks, crazy outbursts or approaching them unexpectantly by slapping them or making them shut up instantly. However, this approach does seem exhausting and childish. I need an effective way to handle the situation. I have not done anthing to harm these people or said anything to cause them to treat me this way before (except harming them or threatening in self defense)but after awhile it makes me wonder what did I do to deserve this? Have I trained or taught these people how to treat me? It has gotten to the point of avoiding others while also treating people badly to get rid of them with erractic behavior and lack of trust. I thought that God should fight your battles for you. I thought that by showing that you are unmoved by their taunts or comments that they would eventually become bored and give up altogether in behaving this way. Or am I living in a fantasy world? Could it be that others hate you tremendously because you choose to be different and you won't change for anyone? Or is it because deep down they are truly insecure themselves and are going along with everyone else's attitude to avoid being left out of the fun? I have tried to go to church for answers on how to be more calmed and less panicky on this and other things, but it is very hard to be dedicated to the lord when the devil (negative people) tries your faith and brings you down. What is the best approach to this situation? WHAT is the difference between assertive and aggressive? How can I overcome this dilemma? Am I mentally unstable and truly sick for feeling and thinking this way? I need your help. I am very optimistic, but I do not need this kind of stress hanging on my head when there more important matters to be concerned about. Please help free me from my emotional prison. This is what has caused me not to move on from anything I needed to be removed from. I know as a grown woman I should be passed from this, but it is a lot more deeper and harder for me to deal with. Thank you to all opinons and all thoughts are welcomed.....
  14. Now, I dont have long on this computer, so I am going to be brief(I am at the library). I am abused by my parents. I have tried running away, but that ends up getting me into jail, then getting beat at home when I get out of jail. Is there any way for me to escape? Any shelters I could go to, that wouldnt call the cops or my parents to come pick me up? Please dont recommend the adoption homes, I have been to one of those, and I gotta tell you: Getting beat down by a 50 year old man isnt anywheres as bad as getting beat down by several 17 year olds who just dont give a crap. I am 16 years old, and I live in Mississippi. If it helps, I have a friend in Louisianna whos mom is willing to take me in.
  15. I don't know what came over me but I've been very bitter and depressed since I found out my ex was a sleaze and cheated on me. I have not been able to cope at all. So I've been playing stupid games with him because I wanted to get even soo bad! I've been calling him nonstop excessively just to p*ss him off. I went on his myspace page and deleted his account. Now I have to stop and ask myself what was I thinking? Anyway my ex called to tell me that he was calling the police to file a lawsuit against me for harassment. He says that he's already showed the police my calls and he told them about the myspace page being deleted. I'm scared and now it hits me that I've been acting very reckless and stupid without thinking.I don't know what came over me. I had found out that my boyfriend has been sleeping with prostitutes and he is a sleazebag. He was the only there for me and I considered him my best friend. I nearly had a nervous breakdown when I found out about him cheating and I acted irrationally and now I may have to face jailtime for him being a jerk. I'm really scared and I don't know what to do.... I've never been so messed up in my life. I've reached a terrible low.. I've stooped to my ex's level.
  16. well i split with her just before crimbo,i got abit sick of how she wud handle life,she wud go work and come home then watch tv till bed time.i am 20 years old and she is 19,we sud be out having fun doing things.well anyways i had put up with this for nearly 2 years i had been saying to her she needs to get a hobby and start doing stuff but she never listen and it made me so unhappy cos all i seen was her doing nothing with her life.anyways i asked her to come into the ketchen and i said claire will you please change the way you are please please get a hobby or something i hate seeing you watching tv 24/7 it makes me unhappy and she said no i wont change.so i said well thats it i cant do it anymore. so then the next day i felt like i made a big mistake but anyways she told me she was going into town to go shopping so i told her ill come with ya.but she had stated that we was going to be friends and i was fine with this,as soon as i got into the car things started she was shouting saying why aint u doing ya driving test and some other stuff moaning like GIRLFRIENDS do but we r going friends i stated.so she stopped talking.we got into town and she was speed walking away from me....i told her why u walking away from me she said i dint want you to start asking me back out lol well i dunno.anyways things got more heated in the car back home i told her i wanted her back and that i had made a mistake i think she was loving me asking her so maybe thats why she kept saying no no no.then we got back to mine and she said ok bye ill see u around,i told her i want ya back claire i really do am sorry and she was trying to hurry me out the car cos she had to get to the picture's cos her mum and dad had payed for tickets for her. cos she dint give me answers i started getting really mardy and started refusing to leave the car....i told her about my ex trying to kiss me and then things really started to kick off. she tryed draggin me out the car but i just dint wanna leave her in this state anyways she has never liked my mum and dad for some reason i dont know but she said something about them and it really pissed me of so i hit her windscreen with my fist and smashed it well she started to cry then but for some reason i was crying aswell and i tryed getting out the car and she was trying to stop me lol. anyways thats the end of all that.i was in 2 minds weather to get onto my bike and just ride ride ride and never stop but i never wish i has now but about 1-2 weeks later i tryed texting her and ringing she wud not answer my calls or even text back...left it another week or so then she came on msn and said look i love u still but i just cant be with u anymore cos my dad has said am not allowed to speak or see you.but ill be friends with you over msn i was like okokok no problem. then about 1 week i went out into town and i seen her the nightclub i was in. once i steped in there she was with her m8's and all i heard was omg then she stormed off i never spoke to her at all.i was always dancing and she wud be there watching what am doing all the time dancing near to me.then after they left i tryed calling her but she dint answer so i left it there. then about another week later i got a phone call from the police saying that am harrishing her and that i need to leave her alone else ill be arrested but am finding it really hard cos i miss her to bits and wen ever i look or think about the things we had done together it breaks my heart. so yea am not allowed to call or even text her or go to see her else ill get arrested but theres a BIG but i owe her dad some money for a motorbike that he got me.hes not been chasing me for the money at all so i can just do a runner but i cant do that to her family after all the things they have done for me.but what i was think is sud i call her dad and see if he wants to go for a drink and tell him i have some of his money for him but only give him around £300 then more at a later time just so i still have a reason to stay around and that claire knows am still around and keeps thinking about me. i know this all sounds sad and crap but i am deepy in love with her and i know she is.........but its her dad thats stopping things...i know for a fact she wud of never of rang the police and got that stuff put agaist me cos she's a caring girl and loving at that....so its clear its her dad thats put her upto this. i am joining the army soon so am going to keep my head down and get in there and then after my training am going to go back and turn up in my uniform and show her thats ive changed and that i wanna be with her forever well what am asking is am i crazy lol but is love crazy or is it just me please help cos i think am going to get my self into troble today cos i wanna go and see her at her work and i know ill get arrested but then again i want her to see what ill do for love
  17. My situation is one that is complicated and different but I'll go ahead and explain it anyway. I turn 17 this Friday and I absolutely hate my parents. Hate is a strong word but that's truth as I am moving out when I turn 18. It's been like this since June 2005 and they don't understand why but it's like prison here. Won't let me do a lot of things and don't understand my POV. I look at things on the gangsta side while they are two folks who do everything by the book and disagree with all of my opinion's. So with me having to live in this hellhole for more year...it's gonna be tough. I was wondering if there's any way I can talk to them about setting boundaries? Like, basically what they can't prevent me from doing and what rules will have to take place for the next year. Plus about me stating my opinion and them getting mad. Help, please. I want to get through living here in 2007 and not have it become a mess. Thanks!
  18. Ok, I will make this short and to the point. Me and my buddy "E" were at a bar last week. Not trying to pick up anybody, just sitting at the bar, drinking beer, eating hot wings, playing that trivia game that alot of bars have, and talking with the regulars. Well, this lady starts hitting on E. He makes it quiet clear that he is not intrested (he is going through a divorce much messier then mine). It is painfully obvious that this lady was NOT intoxicated, but over the next 4 hours, she will not leave him alone. E being the kind of guy he is, is too kind to be rude to this person. But I got to thinking, if this were reversed and he was annoying her for 4 hours, he would be sitting in a jail cell with a restraining order against him, lol. Why the double standard?
  19. I have the kind of relationship everyone dreams of. The list just goes on and on.. communication, understanding, AMAZING sex, common interests (like you wouldn't believe), and just plain love to the highest degree. He is the kind of man that your mother tells your to score before someone else does because he is just PERFECTION. Hard working, clean, chivalrous, respectful, outdoorsy, generous (I get a new piece of jewelry just about every week "just because" he loves me) and he's an amazing parent. So who amidst all this perfection would come THIS close to screwing it up because of my little jealous rage? ME. That's who. I am insanely jealous of my fiancé’s ex wife/ex life. They've been separated for quite some time now and are in the process of a divorce. They have a 6-year-old son, which my fiancé has custody of. However, not only is she completely out of the picture she's OUT OF THE STATE in Tennessee! And the thing is that it's not really her I’m jealous of, I’m jealous of the fact that she had him for as long as she did, and that they have a child together. He was 20 and she was 18 (or so he thought). She got pregnant and holy crap it turns out she was 15! Next thing you know he's arrested, taken to jail and told that if he doesn't marry her immediately he will have to serve up to a 3 year sentence and register as a sex offender. So what happens? That stupid mom drives the lovebirds to Vegas for a quickie marriage so that my fiancé could avoid jail time. SEVEN years they were together. Seven years of basically my Fiancé having to raise a 15 year old brat with a baby while her mother is MIA because she was arrested and thrown in jail for manufacturing drugs with intent to sell. OH MY GOD. I find myself getting genuinely upset at him because he got her pregnant. I believe I said the exact words of "It's not like you didn't know that she was going to get pregnant, you know how babies are made, were you trying to have a baby with that trash?" Ouch. They weren't even together when she got knocked up; they just had a casual hook up type of thing. (Not only that but it was SEVEN YEARS AGO) I have to get over it. He tells me constantly that for almost the last decade of his life his goal was just to stick it out with her for the sake of their child. He knows that if he had just left her after the charges were dropped that his son would be surrounded by trash and countless of his mom’s boyfriends. And yet, every time I hear about a story, whether they were fishing, hiking, hunting just doing anything with her I get insanely jealous. I ask him, "Did you even have fun with her?" "I bet she would just talk to you the whole time" "did she even like being out with you?” And the truth is that she didn't and neither did he, she was mentally unstable and just plain trash and he just dealt with it. But I don’t want to have him stop telling me thing because I don’t want him to feel restricted. Knowing that it was horrible up until he met me, that he hated her, that the was only reason he was with her was because of their child, she cheated on him countless times, tried to make him look like a dead beat dad to the courts at their first custody battle, why am I so jealous? WHY??? Because it wasn't with me. Why didn’t he meet me first? Why didn't I get pregnant with his baby? Why did she even have to exist!? Why did she get the privilege of living with him, and having him as her husband for as long as she did when she didn't even deserve him? I have to realize that he is with me NOW. And we do all the great things we love to do together NOW. We are engaged NOW. We love each other now and forever! When will I just get over it? When she's back in town for the divorce? When I see her face-to-face and just laugh at her and polish my diamond ring right in front of her? Is that what it's going to take? Because his constant reassurance only gets me there half way. What is it going to take for me to make it the rest of the way to get to the point where I have not a care in the world for her or the past he had with her?
  20. I feel so alone. I can't talk to any friends because I dont want anyone to know. My boyfriend of a year lashed out at me a 2 days ago and I had him arrested for assault. I cried as they put him in handcuffs and took him away. We got into an argument and he punched me in the face. He punched me because of something very mean I said to him and when I said it I knew it would anger him. Immediately after he was sorry and crying and threatened to kill himself because he couldnt live with what he had done. He got me ice and had me sit down. I spent the time between calling the police until they arrived keeping him away from the balcony door where he said he would jump off. Now I feel guilt. I know its not my fault what happened but I just want him to get help. He has been told not to contact me by the police as a condition of his release. Now I dont know what to do. I am not allowed to withdraw charges, he hasnt even tried to call me...I know they said he wasnt allowed or he would go to jail but I so desperately want to know what he feels. This is the first time this has ever happened. He has never laid a hand on me..he had a weak moment and needs counselling to manage his anger but I want to give him a second chance. I know I have anger and trust issues to work on as well and have already enrolled in counselling..my first session is tonight. Has anyone been in this situation before?
  21. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I know u look at my title and ask yourself why you sad I’m about 2 tell you see I just found out like 2 hours ago that the boy I was going wit every since I was 13 and that I’m still in love wit is in jail 4 killing his mother boyfriend because his mother boyfriend was beating on his mother the thought of him in jail is making me so unhappy and I want 2 talk 2 him and see him so bad. I love him so much that I would go see him in jail every time I can this so like eating me up inside that he is in jail. What advice or what would I do about this.
  22. I know u look at my title and ask yourself why you said I’m about 2 tell you see I just found out like 2 hours ago that the boy I was going wit every since I was 13 and that I’m still in love wit is in jail 4 killing his mother boyfriend because his mother boyfriend was beating on his mother the thought of him in jail is making me so unhappy and I want 2 talk 2 him and see him so bad. I love him so much that I would go see him in jail every time I can this so like eating me up inside that he is in jail. What advice or what would I do about this.
  23. Hey everyone i am in a very bad situation and i need some help. Me and my boyfriend have been together now for 7 months. but we've been good friends for almost 2 years. the first 2 weeks into our relationship he was arrested and was in jail for 30 days... when he was in jail i had gotten drunk and there were guys that were hitting on me but i pushed them away... i told them i had a boyfriend and NO i never ever cheated on him... i ended up going home... well i never told my boyfriend because i was scared... he found out and wasn't too happy he thinks that i cheated on him because he knows the guy that was hitting on me... the guy that was hitting on me told everyone that we had did things together.. But i DIDN'T... i don't know if he was telling everyone that because he wanted to brag... i don't know.. but i swear i never cheated on him.... well yesterday my boyfriend started calling me names that i'm a b**** and a hoe and things like that and that he doesn't give a S*** about me...... now today he was alot more calmed and told me that he loves me and he said that things had changed now and they won't be the same... i can't stop crying I don't know what i would do with out him i love him soo soo soo much...i know it was wrong for drinking that night i should have never went with my friends but i did back off and i never ever cheated on him and i don't know why he doesn't believe me.. he says that he doesn't know if he wants to be with me and i don't blame him for being mad and upset but i never cheated.... i don't know what i would do.... please help me because i can't live without him....
  24. Dream.

    Lovesick?

    SIGH, Lately all I've been thinking about is love you know? Seeing friends of mine progress in their lives, experiencing the young love. What makes it worse is I watch these shows with these kinds of situations in them. One can only dream. Is there that "special someone" out there? I want to experience young love. I'm lonely and it sucks. One can only dream. So some might think, "hey, do something about it eh?" Well...things are kind of complicated. I'm stuck in a prison until my hosts die. Complicated. Long story. I guess I'll go back to watching shows, where I can fantasize in a perfect world because reality can never be perfect. At least not mine. I can only dream.
  25. Ok I will explain it as well as I can.... My ex.My abuser.Has been harassing me ever since we broke up.I fought back.Now I have Homeland Security on my tail.They want my computer.He hacked my fiances accounts on both Yahoo and Myspace.He has his mother trying to sue me for harassment to Waffle house (his previous job) and I might have called and told him he is going to prison and telling him his day is gonna come but he called my house to the point where we were ready to report him for harassment.He is sueing me for putting things in his name.They say I ordered $7,000 in merchandise,God knows how much of Pizzas and stuff,and harassment towards him. I did it in revenge.Is that wrong.I wanted revenge on him and that was just one way to lash out.Homeland Security has my IP address and they want my computer to prove it.I wont give them anything because they will get me on my school records for having a knife at a football game(I live in the Ghetto I have to have a knife for protection),then there are the scars on my arms,and the people in town who are scared of me.I was told they can put me away for that as well.So I will lose if I go.I will burn my computer before I do that.I am only 17 and I will not be in Jail.I have had to much mess go on.They told me as long as I clean my act up now I can be ok.Since I am 17.Well I have been.Now he has hacked my fiances account.I messaged him and said that's illeagal and you will be going to jail.Since he is 18. I had a major breakdown last night.It hit me.Everything he did to me.It fell on me like a rock.I have been so mentally strong for so long and I lost it.My mom told me she believed me.She also told me that I just have to let go.His day will come.Which she is right because he got fired from his job which was his pride and that was Waffle House (pathetic huh?).He got caught spitting in their food. He has a girlfriend.He has been with her since she was 14 and he was 17 at the time.Now he is 18 and she is 15.They have been together for a year.She has been harassing me saying I am lying about the abuse.Why are guys like this.She is so blinded like I was and when she finds out what he did to her...she will explode.I never did anything but talk to her about useless things.He likes to get them young and mess with their heads and make tehme the wrong ones.Now I am in a trap. I am scared he is going to edit everything I sent to him and her and try to get me locked up.What should I do?I carry a buck knife with me around the house because I am scared he is going to be there.i just need a little advice on how or what to do with this situation. Thanks for your help!
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