Search the Community

LONG STORY! So I (23F) recently broke it off with my fiancé (27M) of 1.5 years. I am still trying to process how I feel about it; everyone in my life is glad that I ended it and I can clearly see times where I was wronged, and yet I can't help but feel lost and lonely. My ex was a good man, in that he was an independent and deep thinker, unique, very smart, and a "C" type personality.He was also religious and we had all the same values. I, on the other hand, am a very soft and emotional introverted girl. Throughout our relationship, there were a couple rough patches in which our chemistry and connection needed work: we would discuss that we needed to talk more, he would often make me feel bad for being quiet in new or uncomfortable situations (even though we are both listeners and equally to blame), and in general compare me to my more extroverted and lively family. As an insecure person, this made me slightly more insecure, but I plowed through, giving him my all and treating him with so much respect, love, spontaneous gifts, kisses, and what have you, and tried to change to become a better fiancee. He is basically an emotionless guy, his love for me was never expressed in words, but more so through his actions (taking me to dinner, paying for small items, listening to my problems) etc. Over time however, he got more stressed due to social problems from feeling neglected by friends. He also was worried that his chances of getting into med school were slim. When he finally got an interview, he only focused on the negative in that scenario and would self deprecate about himself being a loser and having no friends and that everyone else was rich and perfect etc etc. “I only got one interview, I’m such a failure” . I took on sort of a motherly role and helped him through these struggles which lasted months and are still going on. Over time though, he would take out his frustrations on me: I was never enough for him. My teeth were a major turn off and I needed to get them fixed, my photos weren't as attractive as the real thing "not all angles are worth sending"/ "maybe I just have a low libido", I wasn't fluent enough in his "comfort" home language although I expressed that I was trying to learn and that it would take lots of time. He hid the fact that I have hearing loss from his father for months, as though it was a taboo subject. When his family finally found out, he was so scared and nervous and started overreacting about the chance of my and his future children inheriting it (its just a moderate loss, nothing else). His father started poking fun at intermarriage and the issues it could cause (my parents are cousins, so I guess he was mocking that intermarriage was still in practice and thus I was a byproduct of such a catastrophe). My ex asked for my genetic tests repeatedly, wanting to see what genes I carried and what possible diseases I could pass on. When I was depleted and upset about this and withdrew, he got angry that I had ignored his calls and texts and told me that I needed to stop withdrawing from him anytime I was bothered. So small incidents like this were more commonplace, and it got to a point where every other week these same couple issues that I couldn't change were cropping up over and over again. I just forgave him every time because I loved him, but it chipped at my self esteem over time. A month ago, he wanted to take a break and said that he wanted to explore his options and that I was never engaging enough and that he was bored with me and that he wanted to find someone more clicking. I was of course destroyed. The next day he came back and apologized and said he was just feeling rejection from life and that we would try again. After this recent event, my anxiety was through the roof, i was crying more than I ever have in my life, and I had lost 20 pounds from all my stress. I wasn’t eating a thing! But this is when the relationship really went south and finally ended: What happened was that about three weeks ago he came over. We had a great time, played board games, even got intimate afterwards. The next night, over text just after a silly conversation, he tells me he’s too young and immature for a relationship. Out of the blue. I was like “What the hell..are you serious, you can’t just spring that on someone!” He said, “Yes, I can’t maintain a relationship and I don’t wanna get married for at least five more years” (we were engaged and I was discussing wedding plans for the following year). My heart was shattered, I tried to reason and he started self deprecating and saying that I deserved better and that he was narcissistic and a loser and that he wanted his freedoms: the freedom to do random things with his brothers or potentially move far away and not have to deal with all the crap life was throwing at him. Now I was plenty used to the self pity by this point, but the fact that he had blatantly told me that I deserved better and that he was narcissistic and young and immature and that he didn’t even have prospects and that he feels like an imposter in the relationship really hit the nail in the coffin for me. This was different. This looked to me like the absolute end. I was very upset. He asked me “Why are you sad?” I said “Basically you’re telling me you’re done.” He said “No, but now that you know what’s in my head you can make your own judgment. I went to bed. This was different than all the previous self deprecating night text convos, this one seemed for real, he mentioned that he wanted to reach success then pursue a relationship and that he didn't want to be with anyone. Then the next day I cried to my parents and they saw the texts with their own eyes: they were furious that he had done this. Hours later I texted a long and respectful breakup message through tears. He replied shortly with “No way, I never insinuated I wanted to split. You made it all about you when I was just self-deprecating the whole time. Have my actions never shown you I love you? Yeah I’m young and immature but I can still change, please, you just misunderstood me, you never get me the first time”. I was forced into an apology but before that, I exploded a bit and called him delusional and not normal. He love-bombed me and told me to please think about it and that it was all just some misunderstanding. He begged me to stay and told me he had problems but that he still loved me. The next morning he woke up MAD. He said, “You called me not normal yesterday, you and your mom and your whole family never think straight; why did you even drag your parents into this? I don’t want to deal with your behavior anymore. Think about what you’ve done.” I was flabbergasted. He then gave me the silent treatment for three days. I broke the silence after a day because it was childish to me and I wanted to just talk. He insulted me when I retracted my apology (for calling him delusional) because I realized I had been too kind and I wanted to stand up for myself. That is when he got very violent and abusive and called me very bad things and insulted my intelligence. I was rude, completely lost, beyond repair, and he felt indifferent towards me, saying that I was acting like a boss woman and that me calling him “toxic” was just me and my “stupid buzzwords from TikTok”. THIS is when I finally ended it for good. He immediately tried to switch back to the love bombing to bring me back, but that didn’t work. Then he tried to guilt me, saying, Just remember that you’re going to end a man’s entire engagement just over a few texts and stuff like that. Omg. Just a whirlwind. I can't help myself from going back over the old texts. I don't want to make excuses for him but I love him so much and I keep thinking to myself, maybe it was just self-deprecation, maybe he really does love me, maybe this really DID have nothing to do with me.. my heart and head are being pulled in opposite directions! And recently I heard from his younger brother that my ex is so butthurt over the whole thing and never truly wanted to leave me. I have no idea what to do. I just want to be able to sleep and eat again.

Hi. I'm just starting my third year of university, in the city where I grew up. To save some money and at their urging, I decided to living with my parents. Although our relationship has improved a lot since my high school years, it's still pretty bad with my father. He's not physically abusive, although he was before I graduated high school. Most of the time now he's just verbally abusive, with almost no provocation. I spend most of my time at school since I take a lot of classes per quarter (I'm double-majoring) or with friends. When I'm at home, I'm usually in my room. Frequently, when I stay out late, (past 1am), he'll call me on my cell phone and tell me to come home, even though it's really my decision to stay out if I want to. Usually, I'm just with friends and we're watching movies or having coffee. Once, I was with a friend who lives literally 5 min. from my house, and we were just up late talking and he called me. I said I didn't want to come home, and that I was going to stay over at her place. He then told me that it wasn't okay, and I responded that it was in fact okay, because it was my decision to make. He then asked me how I could expected to get married, because no respectable woman would stay out as late as I do. I got upset and asked him what he meant by that, and he hung up on me. When I home the next morning and pulled into the driveway, I saw his car and didn't want to go inside the house. He must've heard my car because he came outside, and told me to get inside the house. I was pretty irritated at this point so I told him I'd come in when I was ready. He then tried to open the passenger door and I drove off. I got kind of a scary flashback of when he and I used to physically fight. My dad isn't like this all the time, and especially not now that I'm 20, but I can tell that he's irritated that I'm growing up and he doesn't have as much control over me. He's also really condescending (verbally) to my mom, but she strikes back at him, and usually he backs down, or throws a tantrum and leaves the house. With me, it seems like he just finds a reason to bother me out of the blue, and continues saying provacatory statements until he gets a rise out of me. He'll frequently say I'm ignorant, stupid, and idiot, need to listen to him more, and that my academic plan (in terms of majors) is unrealistic and I won't be able to get a job, ever. He'll try to explain to me why my "life is a failure," or why I didn't get into Stanford (the university I really wanted to go to when I was in high school), but my sister did. He insulted me about my eating habits and weight until I became a vegetarian. He's moved onto bothering me about staying in my room too much, and watching movies or talking on the phone when I "should be doing school work". I asked him how he could possibly know what I do in my room, and he said he had ways of keeping track of what I was doing. I've been really good about ignoring him for the past couple of months, since I started taking anti-depressants. I've told my mother, and although she didn't like the idea at first, she's okay with it now. I'm afraid she might tell my dad about the medication. He doesn't believe that doctors/medication do anything and would almost certainly try to get me off of the anti-depressants. Lately, I've finally started to understand that my dad's behavior is abusive. I'm still afraid when he calls my cell phone, or when I come late, like I was when I was a teenager. I also feel angry, like I'm too old to be treated this way. I've tried to explain that much to him, to no avail. He's sexist and a lot of his comments imply that I'm not intelligent or practical enough to make decisions for myself because I'm female. I don't have the money (at least not now) to move out, although I do plan on studying abroad next year. Am I just fooling myself into thinking that I can ignore my dad until then and just hope he will leave me alone?

My ex-boyfriend hurt me in more ways than one. The day that I broke up with him, I didn't shed a tear, I really wasn't upset. That was 3 weeks ago. And for some reason it's hitting me now. He was my first true love. We dated for 2 years, but within the 2 years, we had more bad times than good. He was extremely verbally abusive and a severe esteem attacker. But now, I find myself upset, feeling that I will never find anyone better. I don't want him back. He hurt me to many times, but I still have that feeling of emptiness. He didn't waste anytime, he's slept with more girls to count since we've broke up. I want to get on with my life but how can I get over this person? How can I wake up and realize that I'm a better person than that and I CAN do better??

Hello all- I am having an extremely rough time right now as I am going through separation and divorce (not my choice). To make things even more complicated, since I have been out of the marriage I have started to open up about things to my family, friends, and counselor and it seems that I was verbally and emotionally abused by my husband for years! I am still not sure if it is true but everything I read about this subject seems to be an exact representation of my marriage. It is almost too much to deal with right now. Even though he apparently did not treat me properly, I still feel devastated that he left me and that we are over. All I can think about are the good times. The bad times aren't even that horrible to me (at least until the end) but people are in shock when I tell them things that went on. It makes me feel sick that I want that back in my life because I don't think a normal person would tolerate what I did. But he always made me feel like I deserved it because I was so hard to deal with, overemotional, psycho, oversensitive, etc. He came from an abusive family but I always thought I was lucky to get the "good one" out of the three boys. He could be so charming and sweet and do wonderful things for me. But when he was mean it was terrible. I cried so much of the time, especially towards the end. I am also realizing that he was never supportive of me during hard times like a husband should be. But again, I just thought my expectations of him were too high. It's very weird because I can see a pattern in our relationship. When things were easy and fun, he was great and the verbal abuse was not that bad. But as we took on more adult responsibilities, it got worse. I always just put up with it until this past summer. We had so many external stressors...more than we ever had before. Then his treatment of me went out of control to a point where I confided in a friend about it because I would start every workday in tears and started to get very depressed. She encouraged me to speak up to my counselor, who told me that I should stand up to him and tell him that I did not deserve to be treated that way. I did and I told him that I could not stay in the marriage and be happy unless he started to be nicer and more respectful to me. Guess what he did then......went and had an affair with a skank that he supervises at work and blamed me for pushing him away by saying that I was unhappy. I actually regret speaking up for myself because I feel like we would still be together if I had kept my big mouth shut. But as I am learning more about verbal abuse, I guess he just freaked out when he saw he was losing control of me and ran to someone else because he was too immature to work on the marriage. But he always blames me for everything which drives me crazy. He also says that he got tired of dealing with my anxiety and depression issues....which I never had before I met him. Now I am starting to think that these were caused by his treatment of me over the 11 years we were together. He is a master at manipulating me. In spite of what I am realizing and trying to accept (still not convinced it's all true and is not just me), I still cry every day over him and it's been almost 3 months. How do you get over something like this? Will I ever be able to say that he was bad for me and close the door on him? It seems like such a waste of so many years of my life. I gave him everything and I think I was just an object to him. If he really loved me, he wouldn't be treating me so crappy right now...I think. This is hell to go through...

A majority of the people posting in this forum seem to be people who have been or are being abused. What I don't see are many people posting that used to be abusers but changed their ways. In my last relationship, the one I have been posting about in the Getting Back Together forums, I was for atleast half the relationship, an abuser. Sadly I had terrible anger issues. While I never struck or physically injured her in anyway I was extremely verbally abusive. I felt like I couldn't help it, I knew it when I was doing it, and I would think to myself, why am I doing this? She is crying and I am hurting the one I love, but I would continue to do it. Then one day she had enough, she told me that she was ashamed to be with me and couldn't take it anymore. I was crushed, and there was nothing I could do because I knew it was my fault. It was then that I made a decision to change, not only for her, but especially for myself. I came to the realization that if I didn't change now I would either be like this for the rest of my life or that I would be lonely for the rest of my life. I didn't want either of those two things. Among other things, I started going to counseling. And after 3-4 months I was happy to say that I was in a MUCH better place than I was before I started counseling. The next time me and my ex got into an argument, I stopped myself before doing anything stupid and I went to my parents house to sleep. The next couple of disagreements we had I tried my hardest to see things from her point of view and did not allow myself to verbally abuse her at all. My friends, my family and my ex could all see the changes that I made with myself, for myself and are still proud of me. It was not an easy process at all, but the only way an abuser will change is if he/she decides to change, for themselves, not for anyone else. The support of others will definitely help though. Sadly my ex dumped me about 6 weeks ago, but I am glad to say that it wasn't because of me being abusive. If someone really loves you, they will change. But don't give them too many chances.

This seems to be a great support site. My story is long and dreary but I'll summarise it: Two years ago, a man who had a reputation as a womaniser approached me and wanted to go out with me. He was after me for months trying to convince me that his 'reputation' was false and that he was actually very loving and loyal and just hadn't found the right woman. Fool that I was, I got involved with him, and then followed what I have heard called an 'emotional roller-coaster' and the 'mean and sweet' cycle. From declarations of love, to hurtful verbal abuse, to apologies to mental torment to infidelity, to games to accusations - I was just a basket case at the end. I ended it before the summer as I really had had enough. I was the one changing because of him. I was becoming resentful, bitter, aggressive and very rude to him (probably a defence mechanism). I was paranoid and suspicious of everything he did. So we finished three times. He came back every single time and I took him back. Why? I don't know. I don't want to say that I loved him because that makes me sick. Last week he called and wanted to meet me. I agreed (as he owed me money and wanted to return it). In the meeting, he kissed me and even tried to instigate intimacy. I refused and actually started screaming at him for just messing with my head. He lost his temper and told me to get lost, accusing me of having a foul, terrible, of a temper...(i don't really, not with ANYONE else). It's just that I feel so enraged at him, his ambivalence and behaviour sometimes. I felt bad. Yesterday I called him and apologised to him (the first time I have EVER initiated contact). I said I realised that I had over-reacted but wasn't sure what he wanted. I didn't just want to be a casual hook-up for him but if he wanted more, we needed to really talk and BOTH needed to make compromises. He said sorry but he couldn't deal with my temper, and besides he was involved with someone else!!! The man who tried to have sex with me a night before!!! I just couldn't believe it. I called him a - and he said I've been involved with women on and off all the time - and you know that. So why are you upset? I have left you not for her, but because of your bad temper!!! Ladies and gentlemen. I am ashamed to say that I started justifying myself to him, explaining that my temper was because of HIS mistreatment and whenever he behaved we had a wonderful time and that if he didn't mess me around we would be good together. He said NO NO NO, that it was over, and finished and I was great but NOT MEANT FOR HIM. We were incompatible. I don't know why I was begging him to be with me, since till that morning I didn't want to be with him!! It's just the thought that he made my 'temper' the reason for finishing things when it was so much more than that. I know what everyone will say: good riddance and all that, and I am very well aware of that. I just wanted to say all this so that SOMEONE SOMEWHERE will say this wasn't my fault. That's all I need. Because I feel that I have given it my all and did ALOT of for him - but for him, it just didn't amount to anything. All I got in return was accusations and the feeling that I didn't quite cut it. Sorry if this is long.

Hi everyone...this forum has help me put alot of understanding to everything...but i'm still at the point of anger and still hurting. I had been dating this girl for about 3 mos...things moved really quickly, sex then assumptions we were in a realtionship.She was 24 with 2 kids, which she had very young. I try to be the geniue nice guy and be there for her and kids..unfortunately it was taken for granted. She had gotten pregnant within a month and abortion shotly thereafter. As soon as this happen things really started to change..she became distant from me, verbally abusive, and less affectionate. So last weekend i go to this local bar and of course she is there with friends and another guy. She saw me there but did not acknowledge me and basically put it my face with the other guy. It hurt bad to see her treat me like that after everything we been through. So the next day I txt here saying that i had to say my goodbye. I received no response except the next day she deleted me from her myspace. I have NC since then and really trying hard not to. I want to talk to her so much but alot of me tells me to let her go..what do I do?

I ended things with my GF of 8 months last night. I really do love her, but don't see a future for us. She will not accept it, and has been calling me non-stop. It has now reached the point where the calls are becoming verbally abusive. Do I stop taking her calls? I really am hopeful that we can become friends at some point, but it is looking unlikely if this keeps up. I am leaving for a 1 wk business trip tomorrow which should help.

I really hate my life, I am trapped and I do not know how to free myself. I am a care provider, I live with my client, and she has dementia and Alzheimer's. She is naturally mean, nasty, cantankerous, liar and a few that would get bleep out. This was her reputation before the illnesses took hold and now it is at least 15% worse. I have no family support, except by phone once a night and sometimes that is worse, because they upset her and I have to deal with the aftermath.... She does not understand me having a day off. The other caregivers that relieve me will not listen to what I have to say in order for it to go smoothly, when I come back after having a few hours off, I pay for them with the verbal abuse from this woman… The caseworker that she has is upset because they had her in the nursing home and the daughter got her out with my help… So she won't help me, she is very short and yells at me if I need clarification on anything. I feel like I am in a desert and I found the only quicksand in the whole desert and I am sinking.

I have had a really bad relationship with my mom since I was really young. She's an asian women born into a rich family and when she got married to my dad, (he's white I will mention why I bring uo their race ltr) she had expectations about having the perfect life,money, cute kids, a highly educated husband, basically living the high life. The only problem with me as her daughter was that I was not thin enough. I remember her getting mad at me when I was 4 because she cldnt fit me into these shorts. She made me go jogging all the time from as young as 6 and once she decided to punish me when I had a friend over by not allowing us to go play till I jumped rope for an hour. Of course, there was also school, she wanted me to get into a class for special kids and when I didn't, she refused to speak to me for a week. I was chubby at various times in my life but never overweight and my grades were above average. Things got bad when I turned 13, I became bulimic for 5 years, my grades fell all the way. I hated school, was withdrawn, and everyday I wld just go straight home, hide under my blanket and cry. I confront her all the time when we fight but she just says I only see the bad stuff. She things she has been the best mother since she always provided for me financially. Along the way my younger sister had lukemia and that's whenmy mom changed. She's a gd parent to her but the damage was already done to me. I refused to get close to my sister because I felt it was my way of getting back at my mom ( she really wanted me to be the ideal older sibling). Today, everything is a mess in my family, there is alot of violence and no one is happy. I'm 23 now and I finally moved out. I feel like I can handle most things but I have a huge problem with romantic relationships. I am extremely posessive and obsessive, when I don't fight with my boyfried it's fine but when we do, I get crazy. I get depressed and I wake up several times at night to check if he's called. When he ignores me I call and message him compulsively my record was 58 calls in a row. I won't stop crying and I can't focus on anything else in my life. The thing is I'm only like this when I think I'm about to loose him. If you met us on a gd day, you would see our relationship as completely normal and I would be this confident and happy person. How to I fix this?

Hi all, This is a bit embarrasing but here goes. Not long after i first met my fiance 2 years ago, we went to the pub and had a fantastic night out. We were walking back to my house and as a bit of fun she pushed me into a hedge, i fell through the hedge and as you can imagine it was all very comical and we had a good giggle. Further up the road i gave her a shove into a hedge but kept hold of her hand so she didn't fall (once is funny, and all that). Anyway i cannot recall how or why but as soon as we got in my house BOOM!! I faced a torrent of verbal abuse as she accused me of showing her up, calling her names etc etc. As the torrent got louder and nastier i started to get in a rage shouting back. I am a very placid man and have never been like that before. The following day she reacted as if it was all my fault that we had a huge row and everything i said was turned around and i actually felt guilty and apologised. This happens every time. This sort of thing has happened six times in 2 years. On one occasion she punched me and on another headbutted me causing my nose to bleed. It's always when we have been out, especially when she has been drinking heavily. I would be most grateful for any comments Dave

I'm in sort of a slump today. I'm sure you all know my story, as I feel like I post too much.... I was talking about my whole situation with someone who I don't really know, nor knows my situation, and they said to me, "well maybe you didn't see what kind of person you really were." That really hurt me. I know I was not perfect, but I feel that I tried everything I could to show how much I loved my ex. I even tried at the end, but he had already jumped right onto a dating sight. I guess I'm not really asking any question, just stating the fact that I may have been someone who brought out such anger in my ex. i know his words and actions weren't right, but why did this person have to tell me that. I guess thats why I just need to stop thinking about this situation, stop talking about it, and realize verbal abuse, no matter what, is not right.

Who have been hurt, been in emotionally, physically, and/or verbally abusive relationships: It doesn't end here. For all those times when he: * Let you down, put you down, cussed at you, yelled at you. * Made you feel as though you were nothing. * Gave you cold stares, empty looks of love or care. * The way he looked at you made you feel so isolated and alone. * The way he spoke to you in a condescending tone. * They way he exploded, yelled at you when you needed someone to confide in. * The way he didn't respect your opinions and made you doubt yourself. * The way he snooped around. * The way he made you feel unworthy. Basically, the way he made you feel dehumanized ...There are better guys out there who WILL treat you right, who will make plans, who will make you feel special, who will let you know that they're thinking about you, who will make the effort to brighten your day. There are guys out there who will treat you with class and respect. I just came out of a very emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. I've had a string of abusive relationships that included physical abuse and since I've been recently single, I was able to meet truly nice guys who treat me right. It makes me feel good. Just want to let you know that if you're in a relationship that makes you feel like crap about yourself, there is a guy out there who will make you feel like you're worth something. But you must first look inside and see that you're worth it, to move on from the jerk who pulled you down and finally wake up and say, "Hey. I'm worth it! Someone out there thinks so, too!" To all those who are healing from a breakup of an abusive relationship, you will find better. Don't loose hope!

Terrible situation with mother-in-law who hates me... Nothing I do is right and she verbally abuses me in front of the kids. She has told me "I am the Mother... I am #1... You are #2". She is awful... I could tell so many stories.. Lucily my husband has seen what's she's done as I'm shy and reserved and will no longer tolerate it. His sister says... I married "The family" and how I have to put up with the abuse... by marriage. I say no way. I married my husband, if things work out with his family.. even better! But for me to accept verbal abuse from this woman seems crazy to me just because I married him. I'd like some opinions... We went to counselling and she said my husband can't expect me to have a relationship with her with what she's done to me.. he understands and I support him in seeing his family. I don't want to be included. Did I marry his family?

I know I am in a verbally abusive relationship. It seems to be the theme of my life. My problem is that at the moment I need to stay with him for financial reasons. I am not sure if this is in my head or not because it seems the longer I stay with him the further in debt I go. All I do know is that I am losing my sense of self and my stress level is becoming unbearable. I have found that as of late I can not concentrate on any single thing and this is very disturbing for me since I have a full life with managing a small restaurant/bar, taking classes and raising 3 kids at home yet. Also last week he tried to hit me but friends jumped to my rescue. I now live with nonstop thoughts of when will he try to physically hurt me again and what if no one is there to save me this time. I guess I need some advice and if someone can steer me in the right direction for some help I would appreciate it. There is so much involved I can't list it all I just constantly feel I am losing my mind.

I have a buddy of mine who has a problem. He doesn't like the idea of telling people his problem over the internet so I said I'd do it to get some feedback. So his fiancee/wife of a couple years goes on myspace a lot (go figure). She had a past history of doing certain "things" at an early age (you get my drift), some alcohol problems etc, some verbal abuse from the family, essentially a rough childhood. She comes with a lot of emotional baggage. My buddy is a good guy. Hard worker, dependable, loyal quiet type. He was her first, and was raised in a clean Baptist childhood. They fell in love, got married, they fight alot but they're very happy together. Anyway, he finds out that she added this guy to her myspace. She had.. you know.. with him 2 years before they married, and he's a complete loser. He told her to cut all ties with him (he did this for her), and she refused. He feels betrayed and extremely awkward with her talking to him, she feels like she's being controlled. So, who does the compromising here? I would appreciate any input, it sucks seing my good friend so distressed. Much thanks, Jerome

Me and this girl have been dating for about 3 months....not necessarily going out...just dating (By the way we're Sophomores in high school)...anyway...she was going out with this guy for a year...which of course is a very long time in high school years.....half the school hates this guy...she's a very nice girl...everyone loves her....no one wanted either of the two of them to be together....anyway...he verbally abused her during their relationship...even backtalked her parents...they broke up a while ago but he still calls her cause i think he still "likes" her...but he continues to verbally abuse her....she's always crying over the things he says to her...her parents don't step in and do anything about it...neither has anyone else....well quite frankly i'm getting sick of it...the guy doesn't know that me and her are dating cause we've kinda kept it on the down low so he hasn't been confronted by anyone but her over his actions and he doesn't listen to her...point is this....i'm twice as big as this guy...i could kick his * * * if i wanted too....of course i wouldn't resort to this unless i absolutley, positivley had too...i want to just tell him off...you know...solve it diplomatically...but she won't let me because she doesn't want me getting involved in the fight....i feel like if i ask her out officially and then show him that we're going out...he'll back off and quit doing it...and if not i was planning on saying something to him anyway...what do you think? should i ask her out and kill two birds with one stone by seeing if he's going to back off...or do you think i should just let her work it out either know she's had her entire exsistence of knowing him to solve this issue? some help please!

Here's some background information. I've been with my ex for 2years before we broke up, and he got with another girl for 2months. During these 2years he treated me like crap, always hiding things from me and verbally abusing me constantly. Now after 2months hes come back, he said he loved me and made a huge mistake, that was 3weeks ago. We got back together a week ago, slept together the night we got back together and up until yesterday everything was perfect, he had really changed and i was so happy. Then yesterday he says to me that we arent getting on (?) ok so not a big deal we decided to work through that, but then he said to be that although he thinks im stunning, hes not sexually attracted to me anymore. Well now i really am lost at what to do. Please help me.

why is it that you do this daddy? why do you let her cry? were meant to be your angels daddy have you passed that by? why is it that you do this daddy? scream out with a sting? is it because were flawed daddy? angels with no wings? why is it that you do this daddy? shout out with a blow you know she wont fight back daddy she just leaves through the door why is it that you do this daddy? where does this temper errupt? she feels like a failure at times an angel being corrupt why is it that you do this daddy? i know you cause no pain but do you know she hurts at times? verbal abuse cant be tamed! why is it that you do this daddy? why is she in her room? shes up against the door now daddy singing of her doom why is it that you do this daddy? cant you hear the music blare? its all about death and suicide what if theres a subliminal message there? why is it that you do this daddy? i promise that she tries she does the little things you dont see but you think theyre lies why is it that you do this daddy? your angels really there cant you give into this power? go and comfort her upstairs! why is it that you do this daddy? why cant it be to me? if only she would speak out then maybe you would see why is it that you do this daddy? i wish youd heard her words one day she told me she wanted to be a crayon white- to fade into the world

I just want a little advice on the best way to handle my situation. Earlier this week i told my boyfriend of 5 years that I couldn't handle staying in the relationship anymore - there are alot of contributing factors to the break up ie, verbal abuse, lack of interest, not spending time together and general disrespect in alot of areas. I've explained my decision to him in detail and have tried to be "nice" about it but he's not accepted it. Yesterday in total i received 5 text messages from him saying he loves me and wants us to work through it, I folded at one of the messages that said i love you and miss you, i replied i know you love me and i'm sorry i have to put you through this. I felt just as awful when i got his reply as i would if i'd not responded at all. This is hurting me quite badly to see how much pain i'm putting him through but i don't know what to do or how to handle it. He wants to know if this is it and it's over forever or if i just need time. I am at the reasoning that i can't tell him i just need time becuase what if i have the time and still feel the same, will i break his heart all over again? On the other hand it would make it easier for him to feel that i may come back. So in the end i suppose the advice i'm looking for is if i should not respond to his messages ? And should i tell him it's forever?

Hello all, this is actually my first post but I don't know where else to go. I am in love with this guy who is the most absolute verbally abusive person I have ever met in my life. He is worse than my father ever was and trust me, that is bad. Anyway, we met on a "hook-up" site almost 2 years ago. We seemed to hit it off. During the time that we were "dating" I noticed several things about him. One, he was very verbally abusive to his mother and 2 he had an extreme addiction to pornography. During the time we were dating, he continued to stay on that hook-up site and claimed he was only chatting. OK, first of all, you don't just chat on a hook-up site. That is not what they are made for LOL. At first it didn't bother me but we were supposed to be "exclusive" if that means anything anymore. Well the first time I can remember the abuse was when I questioned him about coming off of the site. He disagreed at first, then agreed to it. There was a 2-3 week period before he agreed to it in which I "investigated" my suspisions. Well I found an email where some guy stated that "he had a great time last night and he was welcome to come back and visit anytime . The he was great in bed." I confronted him about that and he went completely crazy. Cussing at me, calling me names, denying the email and the incident. Shortly after that, he dissappeared for a week. He phone was off, there was no way to get into touch with him, so I just said forget it and was trying to move on. During this time, there was another guy that was pursuing me, so I said yes to a date. We were out on our first "date" and low and behold after a week of nothing, HE calls. I told him I had to let him go because I couldn't talk. He asked if I was with someone? I told him yes and I would talk to him later. He called back I know 20 x's before I had to just cut my phone off. Over the course of that weekend, me and this other guy hung out and had a blast. However, my home phone and cell phone were ringing off the hook. Each night, I had messages that ranged from I love you, I had to go away to find that out, to go to *ell and die! I was like he is crazy. Well when I got to work that Monday, I had an email from him at my work email. It was a very sweet and convincing letter about how he loved me and couldn't bear the thought of me not being his. I asked him then why did he dissappear with no call? He said his phone died and he couldn't call. I told him, you know there still are land lines that people use. He gave me some lame excuse about not being able to call. I asked him where he went? He told me Atlanta. I asked him if he went to hook-up, he said no, but to this day, I still do not believe that one. Anyway I accepted his offer and we went full on into a relationship. We moved in together, everything was going good except for the fact that he hadn't had a job since before we met and he was living off of his mother. We met while his father was sick with cancer and in the course of our relationship his father died and that has been his excuse to not only me but everyone about why he is the way he is. First off, he was that way before his father ever passed and I even heard his father tell him that he hope that his death would change him, it only made it worse. In January of last year, i lost my job as well. I was on unemployment, he wasn't working and I was already completely drained financially at this point because I was having to use everything I had to keep him and myself afloat. Then things took a turn for even worse. One night, in a disagreement, about his "conversations" and porn addictions online, I decided I was going to just disconnect the internet. I turned to do so and he grabbed me by the collar of my shirt from behind and started dragging me down the hallway. It was everything I could do just to muster up the strength to get turned around and start hitting and kicking where I could to get away. He finally let go, only to end it with a blow to my head with his fist. He HAD NEVER been physically violent until that point. Keep in mind, I am 5'9" and he is 6'2". At that point I started questioning, whether his last 2 break ups were really, the "other" guys' faults. I do know that the police were called on him at the end of both of those relationships. Anyway, like and idiot, I stayed with him. During that time, he hit me again when we were arguing. This time because I said I was going to take AOL off of MY computer. We were in each others face, and hauled of and slapped me so hard accross the eyes that I saw stars. I was in complete disbelief at this point. That was Memorial day weekend of last year and low and behold my family was up visiting with my aunt and uncle who lived right down the road. I had no choice but to go visit. Well immidiately when I got there, everyone noticed the black eye. I told them I did, classic come back huh? They knew better and from that point on, he wasn't allowed to come back to visit with the family anymore. Little o co-dependent me stuck in there though. However, after all of the fights, abuse and all the hitting before I decided it was best that I leave. I left only to return to be nice and help him pack his stuff. Now mind you I had even left my computer and my TV so he could entertain himself. Well he got drunk that night, we started to argue again and he hit me again and I literally lost it at that point. I retaliated and when I did, he was screaming saying I was abusing him. I told him he had lost his mind and was crazy. He went to sleep, I packed up everything I owned and left in the middle of the night only to wake the next morning to a message that said, I can't believe you left without saying goodbye. We were on and off again until Sept. of last year when I confronted him about an email that he said was "his pics" and it wasn't, it was someone elses and he still out right lied about it and it didn't matter because I wasn't supposed to see it. Then tells me that he and this guy were just friends. He drank so wine, I started questioning him about the pics and he opened up. As he saw my anger, he only fueled it by adding, "He was a good lay" and it not only happened once but twice after he told me sober that they never slept together. That was it for me. From that point on we didn't see or speak to each other for several months. Well, he would leave the occasional I love you so much messages and stuff, which was part of the cycle he always did. Well, we had a shared cell phone plan and to keep from having to pay a disconnection fee, we agreed that I would send his mother the money for my bill each month and keep my phone on. Well one day we were arguing over the phone through voicemails and what does he do? Blocks my phone so I can't make calls from it. I went and got a new phone immediately and when I get home, I have an email saying that my phone would be cut back on on Monday. I told him too late, I got another one. He was like then you are going to pay the disconnection fee. I told him he was crazy. He cut it off, he was going to pay it. Suddenly I was every name under the moon again. I was a loser. He hoped I died. I was psychotic. I was a basta*d everything you could possibly think of. He called me. We didn't speak at all really until about 2 weeks ago. Since then, it is verbal abuse all over again and most recently, today. Go to hell,*uck you, everything. Because I called when he didn't want me to. This is a cycle that still continues with him. It has never stopped. He finally got a job about a month ago and he has already quit it and is moving to my hometown and wants me to help him move this weekend and he treats me like this. I love him but why does he do this? Why is he so crazy? Why can't I walk away and never speak to or see him again? Thanks for reading this. E

I do have a good relationship here, only actaully hit b/f on two occasions, once in a while do yell, but that's just it. Wut bothers me at times is this that till today still seems fresh in my mind, I'm 20 already but it's like it just happened today, are those words "U know, if u were my daughter I would have killed u already, u look just like ur mother and I hate u" or "I was doomed the day u were born, all I ever wish was a boy, and no, it had to be a girl, I hate u, wish u were dead already". Thought he would apologize afterwards it would be those same mean words. The weird thing with dad is he never hit me nor mom, but the words were horrible, if he got mad, he would say the meanest words ever. Sometimes I thinks words are worst than hitting. Now I'm ok, but it's once in a while those words come back.

I need help. I'm in a relationship with someone and it isnt healthy. He is verbally abusive, calls me down to the dirt, tells me i have no friends, i'm always depressed, i'm stupid, i'm a * * * * *, i have problems, i'm a headcase, i need to check myself into a mental instuition, etc. Also tells me he wants to beat my head in, whats to kick my teeth out, wishes i would just run myself off the road, as he tell me this he grabs me and puts bruises on my body. He tells me that I make him do this. He tells me that if i didnt make him so angry he wouldnt have to do this. And that i'm the only person in the world that he does that to. Today I threatened to go to the police and charge him with making threats against my life and physically hurting me. He just started to make fun of me more and told me that he hates me and that I'm the one with the problem. WHY in hell would i EVER want to be with this person?!?!?!!?!? yet i cant leave. i feel like i have no one else. i feel like i'll just have to put up with this crap so I wont be alone.

Hi..I just recently found this site and i love it already. i have been in a 17 month relationship with my boyfriend Mike. We just recently broke up (last sunday). I have put up with a lot of things from him. He is a 'recovering' alcoholic/drug addict that still tends to relaps every now and then, and not to mention he has an uncontrolable temper, to the point where i have been scared to death. i've been looking up websites lately on verbal abuse and emotional abuse, thats actually how i found this. i finally see the red flags,and the signs that i missed for so long. In the beginning he was wonderful, super nice and actually respectful, but as our relationship went on, he began to become more controling, to the point where he hated my bestfriend because she stuck up for me one day and said something to him he didnt agree with. 17 months later and he is still holding that against me. he also tries to control me with my family, saying that they baby me and dont allow me to grow, and he uses the words hes learned in AA and his couceling towards me like Enabling and whatnot. i dont feel that they are enabling me, i just dont think that Mike can completely understand the difference between caring and completely trying to take over someones life. I had to come to the point where i would have to lie to him to be able to see my friends or even hang out with my family. I know many of you are probably thinking.."Hello" are you crazy for still staying?! I seriously believed at the time that i was doing something wrong...and i would feel bad after for 'being mean' even though he would be 20x worse. And then there is the verbal abuse that has been happening too frequently. In the beginning i was beautiful and wonderful and every good thing my 'prince charming' would say would make me melt...but then it changed i cant remember when but one day it was different. now im a F-ING A**HOLE a C*NT every name in the book. for the littlest reasons for him being angry at me i get called these things... and unfortuanlly there is the physical abuse. that was a major RED FLAG but obviously i thought it would be better the next time, that i could help him or "save him" or whatever, the first time we were arguing and he hit me in the facing leaving an ugly red mark that i had to lie about, and a bruse on my arm that was huge, then there was the time that he pushed me and i sprained my elbow...but for some reason it was my fault so he says because i ripped his pants trying to get MY keys back that HE Stole from me because i wanted to leave. the last time was because i had family plans that interrupted with his and he was mad i didnt tell him before...a big blow out in the yard and there was pushing and yelling and he tried to get me into my car and drive away, but somehow that didnt happen...eventually the cops were called, and when they showed up he was nice..."Olivia i love you...im so sorry it wont happen again i promise" and stupid me i knew he was lying but so wanted to believe it...right after the cops left we went for a drive and he started on me again..."You know Liv this is all you're fault"...is what he kept saying to me...im like you wouldnt let me leave just kept taking my stuff that you knew i needed to just go home.. It has happened so much, that i am just tired of it. i want to be able to have a life a happy and fun one, my childhood wasn't normal this is what my parents did..they fought all the time...and i walked right into the same thing...but im trying to break this ugly cycle. For a long time i couldn't see the control or the manipulation...before him i didnt even know what the word ment but now...thats all i see. im only 21 and so is he...i dont want to rush into things so fast...i do a lot of things, and it seems that hes trying to take that away from me..so he can feel better about himself. He called last night, and at first was wonderful...but then it changed when he asked me why i didnt call him when he got home from work...im like we are not together anymore...i have no reason to call you...and then the yelling started....my mother came upstairs and heard him yelling on the phone with me...shes asked if he always talks to me like that...im like yeah most of the time....everytime i do something that goes against him. basically he just went on to say that...i am giving up on him and the relationship and that he has given so much towards the relationship and i just sit back and not care. which is true now..but in the beginning i sacaficed a lot...more then he realizes i think. and i was just saying its not working...you cant force someone to feel someway if they dont feel it anymore...i went on to tell him that i have seen things and been through things that i never imagined in my life...and it has completely changed me. after awhile he finally calling me a F-ING B*TCH which i knew was coming and i hung up on him...he tried calling back but i didnt answer and he didnt leave a message. i haven't spoke to him or seen him today which is good... Im sorry this is long, but i didnt want to leave anything out. i wanted to share my story, just basically to vent. and maybe to help someone realize that the name calling and yelling and intimidating are signs of abuse so maybe they can get out before it gets worse... Thanks again... LIV

i dated a man (not that he is one) for 2 years who emotionally manipulated me, physically beat me, and verbally abused me. i left. he also did this to his prior fiance, with whom he has a child with. she and i started talking after i left him and began sharing *horror* stories together. while i never saw him physically abuse his child, i saw him emotionally manipulate her and verbally abuse her. i'm not too sure why all of this happened to me. i took he and his daughter into my life with no reserve and treated them all like close family. both the mother and i chock it up to beginning to think for ourselves when we were with him and he lost control of us and just started lashing out. i know i am a great, vibrant, intelligent and very loving person, but to say the least; this has made me very leary of any man. during this time of speaking with the mother of his child, his ex-fiance i learned from her that he started to date someone even before i had left. in addition, he was on link removed etc. in discussion with the mother she decided to tell this new girlfriend about her past with him and warn her. i wrote a letter to her, and the mother gave it to her while she talked with her about the horrific events that happened while she was with him as well. apparently, the new gf and he laughed about it together and call it a "bleeding heart testimonial". all i can say is this girl is in severe denial. i would hate to see someone lose their life because they just ignored *photos* of black eyes, journaled documented entries the day the abuse happened: cold hard proof. i'm sad that there is nothing i can do more to warn her. how could someone ignore the proof and evidence? she isn't going to be the "special one" to change him. his anger is deep rooted and he ignores his problems. i guess i should just walk away?