Want to leave... but don't want to hurt him

I am at my wit's end and desperately need advice. I am a 27 year old female, have been married with my husband for 7 years and am seriously contemplating leaving him. We have had many wonderful years together, he has always been totally caring, always there and I could not have asked for a better husband. But over the last few years, things have not been the same, at least for me. He has always been very happy with the relationship and suspects none of the misgivings I have been having over the last year or so about our marriage. There is essentially nothing horrible or wrong about it, it's not like we argue all the time or anything- but we have become like two roommates, living totally separate lives. I have a very rewarding but busy working life, and so does he, and we have separate friends, hobbies etc. We share TV and dinner, not much else. Sex has also been something that he always initiates, but me, never. I realised recently that I am no longer sexually attracted to him- he is still as cute and good looking as he ever was, but I just do not want to have sex with him, or for him to be physically affectionate, because he has become more like a brother to me than a partner... this has been the case for at least 3 years. I have changed a lot in the last few years- from someone totally dependent on him, emotionally, to someone with my own life, confident and happy... I overcame my physical disability and got my dream job... It's ironic that now that I am happy in my own skin, I want to leave the man who has helped me to become who I am... I feel so terrible, I have been so stressed and the last six months since I started thinking about leaving him has been one of the hardest thing in my life. I want to leave him, start a new life on my own, but I absolutely cannot stand the idea of hurting him, a man I loved for so long. I still love him, but the love has changed- he has become a friend, not a partner.... I know that a lot of couples stay together, even when things are really bad (domestic violence, etc) and when I look at myself, I think that I am being selfish and childish in wanting to leave, rather than work things out. I came to this forum for people's views on my situation, as well as for advice- how can I leave in a way that causes least pain? Should I be honest with him (which involves telling him I am no longer attracted to him), or is it better to tell him that I have met someone else etc.?

I have been losing sleep over this for the last 6 months, and I don't think I can stand it anymore... please advice in any way you can.

You have overcome a great barrier in your life and he was there for you so you owe it to him to let him know how you feel.

At first, he will not accept it but if you are sincere in your conversation maybe things will change. Love and passion are two different things and you must find balance.

I sense that you have experienced new positive forces in your life that you want to persue but the grass is not always greener on the other side.

I feel that you should first let him know how you feel and maybe separate for a while. When you are apart all the old feelings grow and you maybe able to find that spark you were missing.

He seems like an awsome man and I am a romantic at heart. I can assure you that men like him are very RARE. Loyaltly and honesty are important but yes, people do change. If the change is positive I feel that it will only make the relationship stronger!

He has demonstrated that he helped you when you were down, so why not go to counciling?

Regardless talk about it. Good luck.... Sweet heart!

Hi Marina,

I'm pretty new here myself, but based on what you said, I think you may be experiencing a low point in your marriage, but that is not nessecarily a reason to leave your husband.

It is natural over the course of time for a couple to get comfortable with one another and for the passion to wane.... it is normal to pursue different interests and have some separate friends and hobbies. Being different people, you should expect that some of your activities and interests and pursuits will be different. If you had married yourself or someone exactly like you, you would be bored silly.

You say that your husband has no idea that anything is wrong, and that he is more like a brother to you now, have you talked to him about any of this? From what you've said he sounds like a reasonable person and very supportive of you. I know this must be hard to bring up but it has obviously been eating at you for some time.

You got married fairly young, but 7 years is a long time together to just throw in the towel without discussing how you are feeling with your husband and at least considering together whether or not the relationship is salvagable. Maybe you could consider marriage counselling? Alot of times a counselor can offer an objective opinion you may not have thought of and helpful suggestions to bring the spice back into your relationship.

At the very least I do not think you should lie to your husband and tell him you've met someone else. He is your husband, and hopefully he is the kind of person you can share anything with, including this. He may not react favorably at first, but hopefully with time and patience, together you can work out a solution, whether it be counselling, or making some changes yourself in the relationship, or a trial separation....

Please consider the long term ramifications before making any rash decisions. I would hate to see you throw something so valuable away without at least exploring together the possibilities, and allowing your husband to share his feelings and input. He may be more aware of your unhappiness than you think.

Good Luck, and let us all know what you decide

I don't think you don't love him anymore. I think there will be a void in your life. I think that although life has changed for you, that doesn't mean that you have to ditch your old life and start anew with everything! That's basically what has happened.

If you feel like he's your friend now instead of lover, spend more time doing romantic and intimate things together. Go on dates, etc. Most couples hit what you are going through sooner or later. After all, no relationship can stay all lovey and perfect forever. It takes work!

If you're not willing to put forth the effort, then leave. But I assure you, you will hit this stage with anyone and everyone you date/marry.

To me it sounds like you've already made up your mind, but I really believe you may regret this. Life changes, and couples grow. Just because your relationship has grown in a different direction doesn't mean it's over. And by the way, if he is as wonderful as you say, some other girl will gladly snatch him up sooner than you can change your mind.

I completely believe you have hit a low spot in your marriage, and that you are wanting someone new because your life has changed so much and he no longer fits the profile of your perfect life. Work together to work things out. I really don't think that you leaving him will benefit your life in any way, and there's a lot of women who would do anything to have the man you are describing.

I absolutely agree with softmoonlight's feedback. Please, you have a rare gift - a mate who absolutely loves and supports you and has proven himself to be there through good and bad. In short, he's stuck to his marital vows.

It is very, very hard to find this even once in our lives.

It's time to seek couples counseling, I think. Please seriously consider doing so. After reading your post, I am positive that you two didn't keep your marriage your number one priority, which it should always be, no matter how busy your job is, or how many friends and hobbies you have.

I would also think twice before ending this relationship! As you say there is something missing but you say he treats you well and that you still find him a goodlooking guy! Sometimes you have got to be in a bad relationship to realise what is good relationship!

Have you talked to your husband about injecting some fun back into your relationship; such as going out on dates again, weekends away...etc. After you have been with someone for so long it is natural that some of the initial spark has gone, as this would happen with any relationship you have.

Then again if you truly think that you don't want to be married to this person then you have to tell him. Of course he is going to be hurt but it is better for him to know the truth than for you to stay together when it is not what you want!

goodluck

Im young and not married, but i think too you should think twice.

You say you want to leave but you dont want to hurt him. After reading your post i began to think if you left him youd be doing yourself a disservice.

I understand that the magic is fading or whatever, but like a few others suggested it is possible to go to a counselor and talk about this stuff.

What if you bring this up to your husband and hes totally understanding and he puts in as much work as he can to make it right?! You cannot ask for anything more. If you match his effort there then i promise you will both feel awesome

Take the fact you are thinking about leaving him as a sign something has to change in your relationship. You said you are stressed, and it seems when we are stressed everything gets harder. If you are stressed about work, your love life is harder and if you are stressed in your relationship work and hobbies suffer. Id really urge you to take a step to see if this could be talked out and worked through.

I would like to thank every single one of you who responded to my post, I am grateful from the bottom of my heart. It is really good to hear what a third person would say regarding my situation, and I now understand that I have not been fair in reaching a decision (to leave) on my own, without having discussed it with my husband. I was hesitent to raise this issue with him, precisely because I know how much it is going to hurt him (and me, since hurting him means hurting me too).

But the problem is that I feel that I have gone beyond the point of wanting to make it work with him. The only thing I fear is that I leave this marriage without having given it the chance it deserved- I owe it to him, and to the marriage bows we made... but I find it so difficult to do what you suggested- which I have on many occasions tried- like spending quality time together, being intimate or affectionate- the thing is, since I do not find him sexually attratctive, it almost repulses me to touch him now (in the way that you would not want to touch your brother). Can the feeling of sexual love and intimacy ever come back? How do you regain it when your instinct tells you you physically do not want it?

And sorry for being ignorant, but could someone shed some light on the possible (positive) outcomes of separation, and of counselling? Would the purpose of separation be to make me realise how much I love him and cannot live without him? Or for me to be alone? And how would I explain the need to be alone without hurting him badly? As for counselling, I have discussed with my best friends about this, who I feel have been giving me objective advice without judging...

I know I am being difficult- but I would really, really appreciate some more words of wisdom.... thank you in advance.

Hi Marina,

Advice from friends no matter how good it sounds cannot be objective, they know you well and possibly know your husband well too.

A counselor who is trained proffessionally in helping couples like you learn to confront thier feelings and possibly work out a solution would be a good idea I think.

Passion for a partner waxes and wanes, there is a good chance that your resentment of the situation you are in has colored your sexual and romantic feelings towards your spouse. If you were to see a counsellor and get these feelings out, agree on a possible solution, there is a good chance your feelings of romance and sexuality can return.

A friend of mine years ago thought she had lost all attraction to her husband of 7 years also. She resorted to an affair, and left her husband for a week to be with the other man. In the end she realized that she did in fact love her husband and he accepted her back, and within time and with counselling, thier sex life was HOT after that!

If you did decide on a trial seperation, some benefits would be for you to step back and take a look at your situation from a distance, and possibly give you some perspective you might not have noticed while with your husband. Yes, it may also help you realize exactly what you want in the long term, if in fact, you can't live without him, or if after giving it a try you find that you are truly happier on your own.

Regardless, your husband does deserve your total honesty in this situation. From what you've said he has always been fair and supportive of you, and you owe it to him to be as fair.

Good luck, I hope this advice helps.

I can really empathize with your dilema. I have the same type of dilema....see my posting under marriage, i think it is,..."when will life change".....I was wondering though, have you met someone that you are considering going to....I wsih you the bet of luck.

I can totally relate to your situation! I also have been married for 7 years and have come to realize that my feelings for my husband have changed. I also feel brotherly love for him but am not in love with him anymore. He is still the same "great" guy that I married, but I have changed.

I would definitely NOT recommend telling him you have found someone else. I speak from experience. We have had our ups and downs and I have left several times before. I did leave him for someone else one time. I will never forget the look in his eyes when I had to tell him there was someone else. He was devastated! I have never seen such hurt and pain in him before. I believe that is the most hurtful thing you can do to him.

I have decided to leave my marriage but I haven't told him this yet. I know that sometimes couples can work things out with counceling or by "working harder" at the marriage. For me I do not believe this to be the case. I do not believe any amount of "talking about my feelings" will ever change the way I feel about him. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than to live in a marriage that I get no joy from, to stay out of obligation rather than because I want to stay, to pretend that everything is fine just so that others will not be disappointed in me. If this is how marriage is supposed to feel then I think maybe I should not be married. I would rather be alone than to have a "nice companion".

I can offer advice on this subject from what may be a helpful perspective...the other side.

I also have been married for nearly 7 years and supported my wife emotional and financially as she blossomed into a strong, proud woman. We have gone through the same 'growing apart' you describe, as our careers have influenced our lives and our different base of friends -- the separate life of which you talk. I, like your husband, am content with our relationship; I may realize we are in a relative low point, but no where close to needing to divorce.

My wife has the exact same issues you have: she is no longer in love with me, she merely loves me as a person. She feels little sexual chemistry and wants to start a life on her own. Indeed, she is excited about the world of possiblities in front of her. Only difference really, is that she did have an affair...but that isnt all too relevant to your issue.

Having said all that, I must respectfully disagree with the sentiment on this board. Staying with him because you happened to find "one of the good ones" will not solve any problem. You will start to resent his presense and wind up hateful. Counselors cannot re-igniote a fire -- they may placate you for awhile, or confuse your head into overriding your heart. I believe seperation is the only option. In my opinion, if you leave and miss him, you may, on your own, realize that you love him and return with that missing sparkle -- whats old may be new again. Forcing yourself to stay together out of guilt will only create unresolved bitterness.

I strongly think you need to be honest with him. It will hurt and he will cry. DONT tell him you are cheating. That will only add another layer of hurt and confusion on top of the one he is going to feel. Falling out of love is tragic and sad, dont make it worse by adding feelings of betrayal.

I can tell you it is the single hardest thing I have ever faced. But I can also tell you that you are probably underestimating him when you say he has no idea. Your body language and hesitancy should be sending some red flags up for him. He knows something is wrong, and is afraid of what he thinks to be the case. He is paralyzed with fear and self doubt more than likely.

It will not be easy. My heart goes out to him. The foundation of his life is about to go crumbling for no real fault of his own. But unfortunately people fall out of love. Mature adults need to be able to handle these feelings -- and staying trapped in a one-sided or loveless marriage will almost never end up in a life of happiness.

I would never suggest anyone else seek a divorce but i do agree with spencerblue, just because at one time he was the 'special one', people do grow apart. If oyu can save sure.. please do so. Give it every effort, but DON'T do like i have done and STAY IN A MAARIAGE FOR THE SAKE OF IT, it will destroy you mentally. I've been married 20+ years and i'd say i've been secretly miserable for 10+. That is NO WAY To live a life.... so if you dont think you can rekindled that fire..... move on.. A friend with lots of common sense on time told me... when someone pisses on your campfire and puts it out.. its a little hard to relight it..... maybe crude but think about it.. if the fire is out... its hard to relight it.. especiallly if you are like me and you heart has already grown cold to the idea. Good Luck in your decision

What is with this 7 years disaster?. I also got separated after 7 years of marriage.

Well, I just want to say that …when my ex wife talk told me she is going out to a dinner to a guy that I never met during our separation time. It was one of the worst days of my life. Later, she called me and told me that she cancelled the dinner. Who cares any way ..The damage is already done. She could have wait two more days until we both go our separate ways. Even though I accepted and moved on with my life, I still think she abandoned her marriage for selfish family reason without trying to save the marriage.

Good lcuk on your decsion

I think that you are experiencing the 7 year itch. You have NO idea how difficult it is to find a man as wonderful as yours...... you are very lucky my dear, and I'm telling you from experience, you better hang onto him. Sexual side effects occur in marriages... they can be from prescription drugs, hormone changes, stress, children, career, etc...... PLEASE please don't leave him.... normally I tell people if they're not happy to leave their partner but I don't think you have a problem, I think you're inventing a problem just to have a problem because you've never had any problems in your marriage and you probably just can't believe it. We women tend to look for problems subconsciously... it's a fact.

If you don't want to do marriage counseling, then my advice is to at least talk with him and get some books on rekindling your romance. Light His Fire and Light Her Fire are both old books but they are really good, basic information about rekindling a marriage. I think if you talk to your husband and start doing things for the sake of your MARRIAGE, not for YOU and not for HIM but for the UNION, you'll see that you'll make it through this difficult time with him and you'll both be stronger for it, and it will bring you closer together than ever.

I'm wondering if you met someone else who has caught your eye... I didn't read all the replies but I initially thought this as I read your post..... if you have not that is great but if you have, you need to end that immediately, it will benefit no one and nothing will come of it anyway. When you and your husband work together to make it through this tough time, you'll love him even more and you'll be more attracted to him than you ever were.... I believe true loves grows very much when couples overcome obstacles such as this. Please don't throw your sacred union away because you're feeling like flying the coop. This man loves you and yes, you are committed to him and you shouldn't feel like you HAVE to be with him, you should make it so you WANT to be with him.

Good luck, and please get some help and talk to him!!!

Whoa this is so what I think I'm experiencing. I am not not married but been in a relationship for 3 years and just recently broke up recently. I think my ex-girlfriend has been experiencing the same exact thing as the primary poster has mentioned.

I gave this girl everything and would do anything for her, then it seemed out of no where she just didn't love me anymore and wanted to be single. She's just starting out in a new career, made some new friends that she has lots of fun with and shares same interests. I know she really appreciates everything I've done for her and that she still does care for me, but she no longer possess the same love she used to have for me. At first I couldn't believe that something like this could happen since I have always loved her no matter what. After reading this post it is freakishly scarely that she was showing the same signs.

Believe me it hurts like crazy, I am in tremendous pain, knowing that I gave so much but in the end she didn't want me anymore. I feel betrayed as I has always there and supported her throught out everything and then out of no where she just abandons me. I don't know what worse dealing with a broken heart, thinking what if she never said anything and we got married then cheated on me? It's still kinda hard to understand why and how something like this happens. Is there really no way to work things out? If so it makes me so scared to ever get married, the thought that everything can go so well, then for no good reason, your wife just falls out of love with you and wants to leave you; or even worse cheats on you. There's no good reason why, nothing broken to fix, nothing you can do but break your heart in half and let it go.

I'm so glad I found this site, maybe this will help me accept my break-up. Although I'm in soooo much pain, I'm thankful that our relationship didn't go on any longer than it has when it has become one sided. I think this exactly what my girlfriend has been experiencing. The thought of her even coming back now scares me to death, what if she does decide to come back ( i would be so willing to take her back since I still love her so much ) what's to say that she won't feel this feeling again down the road? Can any of you married people make any sense of this so that I have something to look forward to if I ever get married? Thanks!!

I've yet to find a man who thinks the same way I do about a marriage. I am 100% faithful, all ready to give it my all, and I don't even look at other men, etc. and I refuse to jeopardize my marriage for anything. Evidently this is asking too much or I've just met the wrong people. I wish relationships came with guarantees but they don't. Yes it is very discouraging and daunting to get involved with anyone new... no one can guarantee anything. I honestly don't understand people and how they cannot seem to commit or know what they want.... my only advice is to find someone who has had a lot of experience and some years under their belt so you can bet they're not ready to hurt anyone cause chances are they've been hurt and know it's not fun. These people would be the better choice to hook up with because they've already experienced what the younger ones haven't and can base their personal boundaries and preferences off those experiences.

Good luck

Huh?

I can relate to this one...

When I met my GF she was incredibly unhappy. She was stuck on a relationship that made here truly sad. I think I gave her a LOT. I helped her get out of that relationship, then we started our relationship.

She was also stuck on a career that she didnt liked, but her moder had convinced her that she must be an engineer.

Through a lot of time, lots of talking, made her change her mayor to fashion design.

She always had problems of being "fat", got her a membership to an sports club and all that.

What I mean, I always were there for her.

At some point (2 years I guess) I think she lost the feeling, and kept on more for feeling compromised than any other thing.

Worse part, I had lost the feeling just a couple of months after our relationship started!!!

At the beginning I always thought "you gout her out of that relationship and now are going to dump her?" So I staid with her.

To resume, it wasnt as good as it could have been. And the worse part is that I think I missed a lot of oportunities. Sacrificed A LOT of myself, gave her way too much.

I don't regret about that, It makes me really happy to know she is doing better now than when I met her. But I would have liked not to lose everythign that I did.

You really have to act quickly. If you don't love him anymore, no amount of counselling or talking will make you love him again. If you're going to be miserable it will come out eventually that you don't feel the same way you used to feel, so it's best to deal with it sooner rather than later. The sooner you leave him the sooner he will be able to grieve his loss and eventually find someone who loves him the same way.

I agree with hisbabygirl in that I'd rather be alone than be in a joyless relationship. I disagree profoundly with princess777 in that you can't MAKE yourself WANT to be with anybody and in that there is absolutly no point in marriage/union just for its own sake. You HAVE to think about yourself and your partner because that is all that matters. There is no such thing as a "sacred union", there are 2 people who are either content or miserable in their relationship. Sometimes things can be solved with counselling or separation but if you are no longer in love, the only option to preserve your own happiness is to end the relationship.

We are so scared about hurting our partners that we often end up ignoring our own feelings. We soon become bitter, resent our partner and can even start hating them. When that happens we have to be honest with each other, and agree to separate. If your partner cries and/or becomes dramatic when you mention temporary separation, he doesn't really, truly care about you, just about his own needs. He might even view you as his property, his alone. If either side views the other like that or cannot tolerate a temporary separation in oder to let the other breathe, the relationship is already on rocky foundations and is best ended immediately.

This thread is ancient history.

4.5 years old.

this post is very old but i would like to get in contact with marina1976.if u receive a email from my reply,please reply back.i am in the exact same situation and i am A lost! id love to know what u ended up doing and how u worked things out!