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My Boyfriend Thinking other girls are "PRETTY"---h


skier4life

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okay, i'm just going to say it right off the bat, i am insecure...but I am doing this to ask for advice and try to understand, because in reality I just don't get it...

My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost 3 years. Its been great, we have the typical fight, we both have our typical jealousies, just a good relationship. He doesn't go to strip clubs with his friends or hang out with any girls, except when his sisters friends come over he'll hug them and stuff and there are a couple of her friends who did stuff with my ex-boyfriend while him and I were going out, but it doesn't bother me too much, just a little jealousy but i dont say anything to my current boyfriend. There's no point because I know he doesn't care for them or whatever. And I would sometimes find myself, when we'd watch a movie and a girl was naked or in her bathing suit, asking him if he found that girl hot or pretty b/c I thought she looked great and I wish i looked like that. He's always say no. And lately I have gotten worse about asking because he's been obsessed with watching tv until all hours of the night, and he'll leave my house because he says he's tired but he'll just stay up all night and watch something. A couple of times I fell asleep and woke up and he had Howard Stern on and there were, of course, porn stars on there, and I'm just liek why are you watching this. I mean they blur it out but it doesn't leave much to the imagination, its not like a funny show, its sexually oriented. They have other girls touching each other or they touch the girl to see if their breasts are real, but ugh, I just dont understand why he has to watch something like that, i just never thought he was the type of guy to watch that, must turn him on or something? But anyways, we got into a fight recently and he finally told me the truth that he does think other girls are pretty. And in the bottom of my heart it really hurt me when he said that, he's always made me feel like all other girls were ugly or weren't pretty. I really do not find any guys good looking, mean there is a clean look where the person is not ugly but they jsut look normal but not good looking to me at all. I always thought he was the same way, but then he was like yes i just didn't want to hurt your feelings and it really did. I didn't get mad but i cried. Its so silly and stupid but its made me even more insecure. He also said when i asked about other girls having nice bodies, he said that some do and of course that bothered me too. I've grown a lot more insecure, but I haven't been asking questions about other girls because i just dont want to think about it, but when i'm not w/him thats all i think about. Its not that he jsut finds like celebrities pretty, which they are cuz they are all made over and of course technology, but like his sisters friends he told me he never thought they were ugly but of couse he said some are pretty and what not. But this has really bothered me. I know it sounds so childish and i'm a sophomore in college so don't think i'm 15 or something. But i know there have to be some girls out there that understand how i am feeling. I just want to understand why he has to think that way...please, dont be too harsh, I understand that I am sounding pathetic, but you have to understand we all have our own insecurities. Unfortunately, this had to be mine

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Well, I am not really sure what to say...but yes as you admitted yourself you are being insecure. There is nothing wrong with him finding other girls pretty (it is only human to feel so) but he is with YOU and not with THEM so you should feel secure in that!

 

Even if I am involved with someone and in love I don't think other people are ugly/unattractive. I might not be ATTRACTED to them, but I can still think they are ATTRACTIVE. I know the difference might be hard for some to understand, but there is definitely a difference.

 

Your boyfriend is with you as he is attracted to YOU. If he did not find other girls pretty I would think he was not being entirely honest with you or himself! He is a guy, and there are instincts to look, but he is not touching! And obviously by often not telling you how he feels he was trying to not hurt you, and he cares about you...but he probably feels a bit uncomfortable anyway having to deny he finds others pretty too. You are not always going to be the most attractive person in the world by other people's standards, but you can be the one he is MOST attracted to, make sense?

 

Have you ever thought of going for counselling? These insecurities can just grow and undermine a relationship and make it hard for you to ever really trust as well.

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going to counseling? why would i need to go to counseling for insecurities, its not like i dont realize it...my boyfriend and i talk about it, but he hasn't helped my insecurities, i just dont feel good enough. There has been times where ill tell him that i worked out and he'll say what did u do. And i'll tell him and he'll be like why didn't u do this workout. and i ask him why would he say that and he'll say because i want to make sure you are wokring on the right areas, like my butt. and it hurts. his family is like that if they see your flaw they will say something, so it builds up ur insecurities...but when u are with someone i dont understand why you would think other people are pretty or have a nice body

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It sucks because you hope the person you are with has eyes only for you, but to be quite truthful, they dont.

 

We as human beings enjoy things of beauty, and if he tells you another girl is pretty, big deal. If says he wants to go out and sleep with other women, then I would be concerned.

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hey

 

ok im a 19 yr old girl and have been with my boyfriend for like 1yr 7mos.

My boyfriend and I are very in love but at the same time very aware that there are other good looking people out there. He does not tell me when he thinks girls nor do I tell him "woah that guy is hot". Sweetie, we fell in love, we didn't go blind.

 

I love my boyfriend because he makes me feel like the most beautiful girl alive. He's very discrete when we pass a pretty girl in the crowd as I am too when we pass a good looking man. But its natural to notice attractive people.

 

Lay down some rules with your boyfriend, my boyfriend and I have set the rules on porn, strip clubs, spending too much time with the opposite sex and cheating. Thats what bothers both of us. We have open communication and it works out great.

 

I can't make him not look at other girls when im not around or notice good looking women on tv. As he can't make me not notice good looking men either. Everyone has fantasies, and its ok as long as you don't act out on them and keep them to yourselves.

 

I think you need to realize that maybe you're a little too infatuated with your boyfriend. Take a deep breath, spend more time with yourself, go out and see that there are other good looking men. Chances are when he notices a pretty girl he's just like "well she's hot." and then his mind drifts to football or what he's got to do next. He doesn't spend his time thinking "boy i wish i could get her number and be with her" if not he would not be with you.

 

You have to accept that this is normal. If not you're going tobe pretty miserable because any other man you ever date will also find other women attractive because it is NORMAL. If you keep this up you might scare him out of your life.

 

I dont think he should be telling you what areas of your body to work on and you should kindly tell him that it makes you feel insecure when he points your flaws out. Mention how you don't go pointing how his tummy may need a bit more work or how he has chicken legs.

 

I know most people wouldnt say myboyfriend is brad pitt but in my opinion while i think brad pitt is a hell of a man my boyfriend is still the most gorgeous guy in my eyes. just like my boyfriend probably finds those victoria secret commercials pretty sexy, i know he thinks i'm the most beautiful girl in his eyes. THink about it.

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I don't think a recommendation of counselling for large insecurities should be something bad! Lots of people go to counselling to work on ways to improve their self confidence or understand why they do feel insecure. I mean if you can fix it without it, then fine, but you present it as being a large problem for you, wouldn't you rather just be more secure and confident? Counselling can help that..nothing to be ashamed of.

 

It is normal as schatziek said to look at other people and find them attractive and you can't change your boyfriends instincts without making him feel really pressured in the relationship. Maybe him recommending what to work on is not meant to be mean, but helpful? I get training tips and ask for them all the time (not so much to improve physique but because I am an athlete though). Maybe due to being insecure you think he is trying to point out flaws?

 

Anyway, it is normal for him to look, and since obviously you are very bothered by it, I recommended counselling to help you with the insecurities...it is not a personal attack to recommend it to someone.

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sorry, i'm not taking offense to it, its just now i feel like this is a huge problem. I just feel terrible because I want to just ignore it but it does kind of hurt because i always thought he thought like i did. And to think he jsut kept it from me, feels like theres more to it, even though there's not but i dunno. Thanks for the advice though.

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Skier,

 

It isn't enough to recognize the problem that you are insecure...you have to FIX it. That is something you don't know how to do, and a counselor can help you with.

 

Where the problem lays, is the fact that you are uncomfortable with your own body image. That isn't your boyfriend's fault and he can stop watching those shows or going to the movies that have any women in them....but it will not solve your problem. You have to feel better about YOU.

 

Movie stars are gorgeous because they have 100 of thousands of dollars to spend on personal trainers and cosmetic surgery...they are MADE to attract the eye...it brings in revenue. Same with the porn stars on Howard Stern...

 

Here you are jealous of people your BF is NEVER going to meet. And you are grilling him like he's oogling a checkout girl at the local grocery store. He doesn't want to be around you if you are going to treat him like that...he's done nothing to disrespect you...and in fact, you have actually, by your own admission, brought it on yourself by askinghim if he thinks someone is attractive. If he says no, you think he is lying, if he says yes...you get jealousl He can't win no matter what!

 

You need to find a way to find the confidence in yourself...to remember that it doesn't just take body image to be attractive to someone...there was more to you than how you look that has kept your boyfriend with you...but if you continue with such a negative attitude against him, when he isn't doing anything wrong...you are going to push him away...he's already going home on you...

 

if you had confidence in yourself....you'd be watching howard stern right along with him...and poking fun at how airheaded they all are...

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I read your original post, and have some thoughts. Firstly, it's not the body that's important. It's the person. Yes, you should be attracted to someone physically, but that's not the main thing. Society pushes bodies in front of us all the time, but that's just the packaging. If the contents are spoiled, why bother?

 

So even if he thinks some friends are attractive, that doesn't mean much more than saying Mount Rushmore is attractive. Is he going to run off with Abraham Lincoln now? So for your own personal growth, just leave the questioning about "do you think she's attractive ..." behind. Don't go there any more - what's the point? Instead, grow your relationship with him as a human being, and keep the sex stuff in perspective.

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just because someone doesn't say right off in their post "oh I did that too!" doesn't mean they haven't experienced it, or don't have knowledge about what you are going through from possibly having been on the side your BF is...OR someone posting to you could be a counselor...you never know...don't assume.

 

What you need to do for him, is to stop making him feel like he's doing something wrong...

 

you can't shut off your negative body image like a lamp...you have to figure out what makes you feel so badly about yourself in the first place to even begin to stop your negative thought patterns...that lead you to treat him like he's hurting you on purpose.

 

I know you'd like someone to say he's a jerk for saying someone is pretty, or how dare he watch howard stern...but...that isn't the case.

 

Honestly, a negative body image and lower self esteem is probably affecting more parts of your life than just your relationship...

 

Why do you feel going to a counselor is such a BAD thing?

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To be honest with you, the best way to get past feeling the way you are feeling is to focus all of this energy into yourself. Nothing makes a guy notice you more than when he sees you becoming more condfident in yourself whether you do it bycoming off as if you're not interested in him anymore and that you've become the more important person here.

 

Realize that you are still young and the chances of the guy being "the one" are pretty slim. I never knew anyone your age that didn't want to meet other people, especially since the two of you have already been together this long and you are only 20 years old.

 

There are many men out there to still meet, and believe me, your attitiude and standards will change a few times before you hit the end of your twenties. A guy his age probably has several years of porno and stripper bars to go to before he grows up. Are you prepared for this to get worse because I can be pretty certain it will.

 

Don't let him make you think that this is normal and you are supposed to be jealous. Alot of times this is the lazy man's excuse for not paying attention to his partner. He watches his stuff then goes to bed but what about your needs?

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I dont want someone to say he is a jerk at all, but i want someone to say that they have related to this so i can understand where they are coming from, i respect everyone's opinion. But i just feel that the way other people think about the other sex is wrong. He doesn't come out and say o shes hot, but i dont want some attractive girl walking by and him thinking in his head that. I mean I'm human. Doesn't mean i have to go to counseling, i am facing this and i dont just block it out that is why i am asking for advice especially from someone who can relate.

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well, let's put it this way....when I was a teenager I felt the way you did about guys I dated...now, I'm a counselor...and I help people like you get through feeling that way. So my advice is two fold.

 

He doesn't come out and say o shes hot, but i dont want some attractive girl walking by and him thinking in his head that. I mean I'm human

 

You want to control his THOUGHTS? Sorry sweetie, but that just isn't in the cards. Now if any hot girl goes by and he's craning his neck, drooling and howling while he is with you..then there is a problem there...but I highly doubt that is what is going on.

 

I have a very hard time believing that you haven't "noticed" a guy somewhere you have been that stands out. Doesn't mean you want to go jump them...but it's OKAY to find someone good looking!!!! THAT is what is defined as HUMAN.

 

I have a strong feeling you are putting a HUGE double standard on the guy. If you do to a movie and let's say Tom Cruise flashes his butt in it...you are going to sit there and tell me you close your eyes to it? Does it make you a bad person for watching his butt on the screen? Of course not.

 

If you notice they guy serving you coffee has nice eyes or a good smile? Does that make you an infidel? not at all....does it make your BF less of a man? no. Does it change how you feel about him? obviously not...

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see thats what no one understand, i dont look, i dont notice at all....and i've seen movies where a guy is naked and i do look away, i dont want to see it so i look away or close my eyes. I dont think it's appropriate, everything i expect from him i expect from myself. So i do not think there is a double standard.

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you can not and I repeat CAN NOT judge someone on what they do by how YOU would handle a situation.

 

And c'mon...you look away at a movie? I'm not buying that, not for a second...you are trying to justify yourself.

 

If you really DO look away at the movies, then you definitely need to get into counseling...someone, at some point in your life has impressed on you that the human body is something to not be appreciative of. As if it is shameful....including your own.

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i look away when its a female too, i mean i dont think its appropriate, it woudl be different if it were for something educational, but sexual, i just dont buy into it..sorry if u feel that way but dont impress ur opinion about looking at things...and saying that i definetly need to go to counseling because i look away at movies is a little absurd theres nothing wrong with looking away, i dont think how our society has changed into an openly sexual society is okay

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skier

 

it isn't just about the movies...it's about your entire attitude. The whole concept from everything you have written....that comment just pretty much sealed the opinion that you need to get your self esteem out of the gutter.

 

If you and your boyfriend have such a huge difference when it comes to sexuality and views on it...from a socital perspective...that will never change. You have had to have know there was a difference from almost the start...after three years you expect him to change his views to suit you?

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