I want marriage, he doesn't until much later..

Background: dating 5 years, I'm 19, he's 20.

I want marriage so badly. I want it because I want to see him each day instead of ONCE a week (he and I are busy with work and he has night classes, and I have college classes) Moving in together before marriage is not an option because, for one, I don't make enough money because I'm busy with college, and we don't want to waste our money with getting an apartment. Plus I don't think it would be a good idea because it could prolong the time before we'd get married since we'd already be living together. That's how I feel, anyway.

I also want to have a child; I want to take care of a little life made by the two of us, to love and to care for.

I want marriage for the right reasons, I'd say.. but he doesn't want to get married until he's "30". I don't know what "30" means, but I know it means not for years until now. I understand it's different for the guy. For the guy it means more responsibility and all of that, money issues, blah blah..

but is there any way that I could help him to feel more comfortable about it? Or at least not want to wait until we're "30?"

How about certain things I could do? Certain ways of acting? Maybe act more responsible or something like that?

How about ways to make ME not feel like I want it so badly?

I hope I'm not being vague or asking a pointless question.

It's something I want so badly and feel that I need a bit of insight.

I don't have a whole lot of time to write a response right now but one...I don't think getting married in order to see one another every day is a good reason (besides that, without some space, there will be some problems!). Second, how is being married going to solve the financial problems or time problems that you currently have? Or how do you feel it will? And a child costs money too, are you two ready financially and emotionally for that? I just don't entirely understand your reasons or how you feel marriage would solve it.

Marriage is not a solution to problems, or all a big romantic ideal..it is very real, and needs to be a responsible decision. You need to be honest with one another about your expectations and values, and about how you are going to share your lives and commit to the marriage and one another. I think your bf is being responsible saying he is not ready, and I guarantee you making him feel pressured will only lead to resentment.

I feel you dismissing his explanation and his statement he is not ready and wondering how you can "change it" shows you are not ready yourself for the reality. He has been honest with you about why he is not ready and you have to decide whether you think he is being honest and wants to marry you later, or if you want it now and need to walk away. Your choice.

You are both very young, and if you really feel you are meant to be together, you have a lot more time. Enjoy the moment and the day. Don't change who you are, or manipulate him, in order to get him to commit..it won't work and will likely backfire.

I agree with RayKay. Why are you in such a rush to get married and have kids? You are so young and have plenty of time ahead of you to accomplish this things. The statistics say that people get married too young these days and usually end up in divorce. Trust me when I say you don't want to experience divorce!

If you are so sure that you and your man will last together forever, then why rush things? He'll still be around when he finially reaches 30 right?

I want marriage for the right reasons, I'd say.. but he doesn't want to get married until he's "30". I don't know what "30" means, but I know it means not for years until now. I understand it's different for the guy. For the guy it means more responsibility and all of that, money issues, blah blah..

but is there any way that I could help him to feel more comfortable about it? Or at least not want to wait until we're "30?"

How about certain things I could do? Certain ways of acting? Maybe act more responsible or something like that?

How about ways to make ME not feel like I want it so badly?

 

I hope I'm not being vague or asking a pointless question.

It's something I want so badly and feel that I need a bit of insight.

Reading what you wrote guys have different reasons blah..blah. Really throws me off, it just seems your desparate. Is there another reason for rushing this?

I read your message, and I can't pass it up without saying something to you. Why are you in such a rush to get married, what is marriage going to do to help you afford living together? I assume at 19 you get financial aid from your parents income? Your married income with no children will get you nothing to help pay for college.

But if you pay for college out of pocket, how do you plan to pay for living expenses and college at the same time?

How is marriage going to let you see him more often, and children on top of it all?

I say take some words of advice from a girl who got married at 19. It is not easy and is one of the worst things you can do right now. It seems that both of you are on the right track, attending college. Focus on one thing at a time, maybe after you graduate from college and get a steady job you should consider marriage. But, also you have been with this same guy for 5 years? Don't you think you should get to know other guys now that your older, and more mature. DO you really want to spend the rest of you life with this one man?

I think you should maybe set some short and long term goals, first college, then maybe engagement. But, don't force the man into something he obviously doesn't want, if a man wants to marry you, most likely he will tell you and ask you.

I got married at 19 with one yr of college under my belt, and nothing else. My husband is in the military and I moved 1500 miles away from home, we were broke and young!

Marriage is a full time commitment, its everyday, its cooking dinner, washing clothes, meeting family, plus you want children, how will you provide for them?

You have to think further in the future than right now. To top it off why do u want to know certain ways to "act " to get him to marry you. In a relationship shouldnt you be yourself, true in every sense. Don't act, dont lie, but think about YOUR future, cause he is obviously thinking about his if he wants to wait till he's 30.

Hey girl, im just leading some words of advice, sorry if I got to harsh. Believe me marriage is hard, look at the stats.

Totally agree with the other posters here. What you have written in your post shows you are so not ready for marriage. Listen to what your b/f is telling you and just enjoy the next few years without the enourmous pressure of marriage and children at such a young age.

I want marriage badly to see him more since I see him about once a week, and mostly becaus I'm done with everything. I don't care for going out and partying or dating other people. I'm just done with that. Plus it's not like I have friends like the average person. I really don't have any. I don't really feel like I'm getting anywhere right now except towards a career. I know I wont get married now while I'm in college, but I'd at least like to be engaged. I don't know, I think of the future too much.

Do you really want to stay home claning, washing diches... not have time to study... worring about ants all round your house... washing you husbands durty socks and underwear... and cleaning the house? Remember... if you bring a child to this world... you have to take of him... properly... It means that you will need more food, more cloths, more money. You will have to send him to school no and than and if its a boy... oh... thats a huge resposability... he may be the one that has to go defend his country one day... Remember... every boy born, is counted a future defence for the government... and if he does not want to go... its ok... he will just go to jail...

Its a huge resposabilities with babies... if they get sick, its worse. And even if not sick... you have to wake up in the morning like every 3 hours to take care of him... its nuts... and you think you'll get to study with so little rest and so much to do? When will you have fun? when will you go out somewere? Your husband is not making much money now as he could in some 10 years as he said... so think about it...

When you get married... its not just you anymore... its him too, and if you have a baby... its the baby! You may find babies cute and all now... but its not gonna be so cute when you have to change his pampers and have all that pampers ordor on your house and trow up all over your cloths...

You have to look into it... A LOT

Sorry If I ruin your way of seeing things...

I agree 100%

I kind of feel like it replaces the void that not having friends has left me.

I lost connections with people after HS and have just plain not been able to make any since then. I have never been good at it and it is frustrating and boring and I feel dependant on our relationship because I have no friends.

I'm just very bored all of the time and lonely and want to be with him.. I imagine feeling happier being married because I can see him in the mornings and at night because of our working schedule, and maybe on weekends during the day. And in the future years after college we can have a child. I didn't mean to make that sound like I wanted it right now while I'm still at college.

I just noticed I completely forgot to add something to my original topic of wanting marriage.-- And it's because there seems to be so many people my age engaged and living with their boyfriends that I'm just soo envious that they can be with their boyfriends often or everyday by living together, because in my case, we're both so busy that we don't get to even a few times a week.

I dont understand how being married will alolow you to see your boyfriend more.

Why dont you just live together?

I already explained why in my post.

Living together would mean I could see him everyday instead of once a week, if that.

You say that:

1. You want to get married so that you can see your boyfriend everyday instead of once a week.

2. You dont want to live together because you cant afford it.

So what i want to know is how does marriage enable you to see your boyfriend every day if you cant afford to live with him?

Does marriage suddenly mean you can afford to live together? How does it work?

Tell yourself this... marriage doesn't solve any problem at all, instead, it causes a lot of problems.

I tell myself that all the time and I can see a lot of the problems it might cause in my relationship... ^^; I'm still on my way of getting engaged at a super young age of 22 but it's okay.

It's true though, marriage won't help you pay off bills. Instead, it'll give you more bills to pay. The engagement party cost a lot of money, your ring is going to cost a bunch because most rings are like 1k~5k~20k... so getting engaged means your boyfriend will have to work extra hard to earn that money to buy you a ring... working harder to get you that ring means he'll have even less time to see you.

^^: Then, imagine you get married... right now you don't have enough money to live together, so after you get married you're probably both going to have to work in order to sustain your life and the marriage ceremony bill... hopefully you don't make your parents pay for that! that bill is huge! So.. now you're both in school full time and working extra hard to pay off your bills and your apt so you can live together... ^^: it really is a pain, and it'll stress you out so much you might start arguing with each other. Worse, you'll be so busy you won't see each other at all even though you live under the same roof.

Marriage really really really doesn't solve any problems unless if you have a special situation that involves.. donno.. the military and someone with a green card? ^^;

Don't take his "marriage when I'm 30" thing too seriously. what he really means is right now he just can't think about it. Maybe after you're both done with college you can nudge him again about getting engaged... MAYBE then he'll agree to work a bit harder for a year so he can save up for a ring and you can both work really hard and have a ceremony in a few years. ^_^ Then you'll be about 25, right outside of that high failure rate bracket! =D

That's what I'm planning on anyways. I'm definitely working for a year, then next year I'm getting engaged (probably)... in a few years when we can both pay for our ceremony, reception, etc, and when I'm 100% ready to move to wherever he is, we'll get married. I'll probably be 23 or 24... still a bit young IMO but it's okay, I'm done with college so I'll deal with the other stuff.

Think hard though! Without money you won't get to see him much even if you live with him! A couple with no money will really just have super miserable lives. Money is super important... >_> whoever says if you think about money in a relationship you're superficial is just stupid! Without money there won't be any quality relationship.