Is it wise to ignore my ex-bf's messages if I want him back?

1 month of NC today.

 

I think I can pretend to be doing fine in a converation with him, even if I am not, does that mean I can contact him?

 

Reason I am sticking to NC at the moment is that I stayed in contact with him for 4 months after the breakup, and I was not feeling better after it. So I think that if that did not work, try something else, i.e. No contact.

 

After 4 months of NC I will see what made me feel better and take it from there.

 

Well, that's what my head tells me. My heart tells me to contact him a couple of times a day. Wonder who is going to win, but I would not bet money on my head. Has not been very successful in the past.

 

I am constantly wondering what he is doing and when he is going to contact me again. I have whole conversations memorized in case he calls or written replies in case he emails. Wonder if he ever will.

 

I still have a few of his things at my place and I am afraid that I will use them as an excuse to contact him if I dont hear from him shortly.

 

Would that be so bad?

TTBS,

 

You have done very well to make it to one month of nc. when i got to three weeks, a special circumstance came up and i broke contact. our contact has been spotty since. but after three weeks, i was really beginning to change my outlook by not seeing her or hearing her voice. it was easier not to think about what she was doing or (possibly) with whom. my obsession to returning back to what we had was subsiding. i wish i never broke no contact when i did, but most people tell me i did it for the right reason.

 

I think I can pretend to be doing fine in a converation with him

the idea of no contact is for you to get your sh_t together so a conversation is easy and you are not pining and most of all that you don't slip and start talking relationship somehow. because trust me, if you still love them and you start up talking relationship, i don't care how long you did no contact, you are going to get emotional. maybe you should wait for him to conact you TTBS.

 

I am constantly wondering what he is doing and when he is going to contact me again.

this is normal for me too. and i know it is killing me slowly, but the longer the no contact, the easier it becomes. not knowing can be so much easier to handle. when there is contact and you do find out what he is doing it becomes even more difficult. for instance, i know know that my ex's cousin, who lives nearby, is getting married and she is standing up for her....the only one standing up...and she is going to this event single (i think) and will be a target for every single attorney and or boy in the room.....now if i had no contact, i would not know this and thereforeeee not be thinking about it now....worried she is going to meet someone three months before it even happens. stress!!!! do you get my point?

 

 

I still have a few of his things at my place and I am afraid that I will use them as an excuse to contact him if I dont hear from him shortly. Would that be so bad?

are these items substantial enough that he will contact you to get them? if so, i would let him contact you. otherwise, i would hold on to them until you either want to throw them out or you meet someone or he does and you totally have to get over it all.

 

it is all painful no matter if you do no contact or not. i am trying to say that nc is less painful.

After 6 weeks of NC my ex called my landline this monday.

 

I was not expecting this call and was very surprised. He said that he called because he wanted to hear a friendly voice and asked if that was okay. I said yes and so we talked.

 

After some time I could not keep it in anymore and asked why he disappeared for 6 weeks after I had asked him to meet up. He said that he thought I was ignoring him, as I did not reply to the text he sent me after our call. I never got that text.

 

So I asked him if he wanted to meet up and he said yes. We agreed to meet next sunday.

 

Now I think I made a mistake when I asked him to meet. I dont think that he is interested in getting back together and it will probably hurt me to see him if he does not want to get back together.

 

So I think that I should cancel the meeting. Just send him an email saying 'I am sorry to cancel, but something else came up. Maybe we can get together some other time.'

 

What do you guys suggest? Should I give a reason for cancelling? Not suggest another meeting? Go through with seeing him next sunday?

 

I still love him, but I am starting to believe that nothing but a small miracle is going to get us back together and make it work. I dont want to go back to the pain I was in a short while ago, and somehow I believe that meeting him would propel me in that direction.

 

Part of me thinks though that this might be THE chance for reconciliation. Books like 'How to get your ex back' suggest meeting up after a month of NC and to have a good time with the ex.

 

Meeting him would be a risk, but maybe it is a risk worth taking.

 

I am confused and dont know what to do or think anymore. So please, tell me what you think. I appreciate all opinions.

I think you should only meet up with him when your emotionaly strong enough to deal with anything that happeneds. It seems your scared to be hurt so I didnt think it was a good idea to ask him to meet especially with the first contact in 6 weeks. If you cancel Iam sure that will really piss him off and really confuse him. So I would go and show him the new you and dont bring anything up about the relationship. Have a good time nomatter what, if you guys are about to argue stop yourself! Have a good time and keep it short. I only wish my ex will call me its been 6 weeks of no contact also and she has a new bf!

 

hope this helps,Good luck

Hi J,

 

thanks for your post. So you think he would be pissed off if I cancelled? Not a good thing.

 

I wish I had not asked him to meet, but the call cought me off guard and the words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.

 

It sucks that your ex has a new guy, and that after 6 weeks already. Sometimes I feel though that if my ex had somebody new, this might give me the push I need to let go and move on.

 

Still not sure what I am going to do, so if anyone has any suggestions, please let me know.

I dont want to go back to the pain I was in a short while ago, and somehow I believe that meeting him would propel me in that direction.

 

Trust me, it will propel you back into the pain....so expect it and hide it...it is all about what you do together...be strong and indiferent...he will probably be that way...don´t let him show you up.

Trying to be strong wrote:

So you think he would be pissed off if I cancelled? Not a good thing.

 

 

Dont wory or care if it pisses him off, that is his problem. If you feel you want to cancel, then by all means do so. You need to stop worrying about his feelings and concentrate and stick up for yours. It is important to stop worrying about others. He doesnt seem too concerned about your feelings, so stop worrying over his.

Okay, I've just come back from my date with him. In a sentence: I still love him, but he just wants to be friends.

 

Aargh, we met at 6 infront of the cinema, and it was weird. We barely spoke and acted like strangers. We watched the movie and then went to a bar for a drink.

 

He spoke a bit about work, asked a bit about me, but mostly we were staring at the walls and there was an uncomfortable silence between us.

 

Well, then I finished my first glass of wine, and alcohol makes me talkative, so I started talking and asking him questions.

 

Basically he said that he still did not know what he wanted to do with his life career wise, and still felt lost, but that he was enjoying his life much more now than a few months ago.

 

He is going out a few times a week, made some friends and goes to gym regularily. He mentioned that he went to the theatre last week. I asked with who and he told me that it was with this girl he was seeing. That blew me away. I hope I did not let it show. I was shocked especially as he told me on the phone that he was not dating anyone, and it would take another 100 years for him to start dating again.

 

So I asked him about her and he told me that they were 'just friends' as it would be unfair of him to be in a serious relationship with anyone right now. But they meet up once or twice a week and do things together. Well, I dont know what his definiation of a date is, but it sounds like one to me.

 

What really hurt me was when he told me that they had 'so much in common and could talk for hours'. He has always been a loner and found it difficult to make male or female friends. He often told me that I was one of the few people he could talk to. And now he has someone else for this.

 

All these last few months when he was not asking me to meet, and I assumed that he was actually working a lot and not going out much, in reality he was dating her.

 

Ouch, that hurts a lot. At some point he talked about us being friends. I said that we were not friends, but exes. He asked what the difference was in that, and I said that friends want each other to be happy with other people and they are not jealous or hurt if their friends meet the love of their life. I asked him how he would feel if I met someone new, and he said that he would be very happy for me as he truly wants me to be happy.

 

I talked about some movie and he said that he wanted to see it too and if I would like to see it with him. I replied 'Yeah, sure. If I hear from you again before the next 5 months have passed.'

 

At the end he gave me a hug and said that it was really good seeing me.

 

So, how do I feel now? I am hurting. And I am crying. I know that for him it is definitely over, even though he might be interested in being friends. That hurts.

 

I dont know if he is really going to call me about getting together next weekend and see that movie, but even if he does, should I go? He is seeing someone new, even if he does not call her his girlfriend (at least not to me).

 

Oh man, it feels like there were no 4+ plus months in between since I last saw him. My heart is hurting like in the beginning. Why does not he love me anymore? Why do I still love him? What to do? Love sucks!

Wow Tryingtobestrong, I am so sorry for your pain!! LOVE DOES SUCK!! You are at the crossroads right now. Now is the time for YOU to decide what it is you really truly want. If you want to possibly get back with him, or do you want to move on. To move on, everyone knows you have to do NO CONTACT for awhile, to help pick yourself up. I know exactly how you felt when he said he was dating someone else.

 

But if you possibly want him back then you have to stay in the picture from a distance at least. And when you two talk, change the subject if he brings the new "friend" up.....

 

It is not all black and white... YOU have to decide what you really want!!

 

Good luck

TTBS,

 

Listen, I have no idea why he called you out of the blue and agreed to meet up with you even though he is "seeing" someone else. There is no telling where he is at in that relationship, all I can tell you where I think I would be having followed your entire thread. I would guess that he was probably seeing this new girl for the 6 weeks of no contact that you guys had. Probably even longer than that. I would think that the "newness" of that relationship is already wearing off because I am sure it is only a "rebound" thing. I can only speak for me, but whenever I have broken up with an ex and gotten involved with someone new, if I was truly happy and excited about the prospects of it, I never called or contacted an ex again. Why bother? It sucks but reality and the percentages say that exes can not remain friends. Sometimes they can, but more than not, they can't. So my guess would be that he is actually missing you and that is why he called.

 

I can almost hear you ask, "If that is the case, then why did he tell me about the new girl"? I would say because he does not know where you are at with your personal life (assuming you played the game and didn't admit you are still crying your eyes out), so maybe he is playing the same game as you and wants you to see and be attracted to the fact that he can get along just fine without you. That is the entire goal of this little no contact thing, afterall, correct?

 

Of course maybe he is just being brutally honest with you and telling you all there is to tell. In that scenario, he is being very cruel to you by weaving in and out of your life to boost his ego by having you confirm you are miserable without him. Who wants to be with a jerk like that? Just things to ponder. You have been so strong for a long time and it pains me to see you have such a major relapse.

Dear Keefy, good to hear from you again, and thanks for your advice. I must say that it feels good to read what you are saying.

 

Maybe he is really playing some kind of game and tries to show me how independent he is and how good he gets along without me.

 

I really dont understand why he had to bring her up. He must have known that it would hurt me. I can only think that either he was trying to make me jealous or she really is just a friend and he did not think it would bother me to hear about that. When he asked me about it on the phone I told him that I am dating a bit and have made some male friends (not entirely true, but anyway).

 

Something tells me that he met her on the Internet and so I suppose he is really looking for someone new. Even if she might not be the one, should I wait around for him to meet someone? I dont think so.

 

I dont know what to do. Part of me screams to tell him goodbye and to leave me alone. The other part of me says that this might be some kind of a test and if I dont loose my nerves but play my hand cool, there might be a chance for reconcilliation.

 

What should I do? The situation is killing me right now, and I think I need some time to think about it clearly. I know though that he is supposed to contact me tonight or tomorrow to talk about getting together next weekend. I dont want to talk to him, because I dont know if I can keep my emotions in guard.

 

But if I dont talk to him now and dont hear from him for some time again, will I then regret not using this time to talk to him and tell him how I feel?

Hallo everyone,

 

I have not posted in a while and wanted to update everyone who has helped me through my crisis last week.

 

I am sure you guessed it, I met him for dinner and a movie last night.

 

I knew I should not have, and I did not post on here for advice because I expected you all to tell me not to go, and I did not want to go against your advice, when I am practically begging for it.

 

Anyway, this is is what happened. We met last sunday and since then he contacted me daily 1-4 times via email, some sms and one phonecall.

 

He did not bring up meeting on monday and tuesday, but just wrote about different things. I was upset because he said he was gonna call monday or tuesday about it. Wednesday he asked 'if I was free on saturday' to watch the movie. I thought about it for a while and then said yes.

 

After that he still wrote a few times and then we met last night. It was strange to hear so often from him. I am sure I have heard more often from him in the last week than in the last 4 months together.

 

I went to the meeting not expecting anything, and that's what I got. We had a really lovely evening. No awkwardness in the beginning like last week, but we started talking straight away. He told me about what he had been up to last week. He was doing something every night, but he has not met that other girl. (Made me happy, but I did not tell him).

 

He also told me that he wants to change his job and also leave this country. That hurt for a moment, because then he will be far away from me, but I think it will be easier as well, if I want to heal and move on from him.

 

We spoke about many things, also about dreams and hopes we both have for our future and he felt so close, so intimate. During our 'date' I reminded myself a couple of times to enjoy every moment of it because I dont know if or when I will see him again.

 

I am very glad because he did not give me any mixed messages. He did not do or say anything that gave me the impression that he might want to reconcile. He has repeated again that he does not want to be in a committed relationship at the moment, because he has to find his way first. I told him that I understood and that everybody got to do what makes them happy.

 

At the end of our evening he took my hand, gave me a kiss and said that he would call me sometime so we could get together again. I replied that this would be nice.

 

I dont know when I will hear from him again. It would not surprise me, if he took two weeks to get in touch, but after last week and daily contact, I guess I will be hoping for something sooner.

 

I dont think I want to go NC on him. The truth is still the same. I love him, but he does not want to be in a relationship with me right now. I think that this is the part that I have to get into my head. I will just have to tell myself 20 times a day (or an hour) that he does not want to be in a relationship with me. If i can accept and understand that, then I can be in touch with him. I just have to make sure that I dont put my hopes on him, and I have to continue to see other people.

 

It is so strange. If I had just met him, I would be on top of the world after last night. I had a great evening with a guy I really like, he seems to like me too and he said that he would call me again so we could do something together. But knowing that this is not going to lead anywhere, that is the bummer.

 

I am not pretending that I am his friend, I told him so, and if I feel the need, I will tell him again. I made sure that he knew last night was a date and not a friendly get together.

 

So I am okay with dating him, even though it wont lead to a committed relationship, as long as he does not seriously date anyone else and does not tell me about it. If it gets too painful, I will just have to stop.

 

At least I know that he still feels attracted to me, and does not just see me in a platonic way. If that were the case, I guess I would hurt much more. I am trying to accept that this is his problem. He is a commitment phobe, has a life crisis or whatever, but it does not have to do with me. He just cant be in a relationship with anyone at the moment. Maybe one day he will feel ready to be in a serious relationship again, but I know I cant wait or hope for that day.

 

My dad is staying at my place this weekend, and I was really glad about it. My ex was hinting about staying at my place last night, because it was really late already when I got home. If my dad had not stayed there, I would surely have invited him in, and I guess this would have been a mistake. He does not know my dad was there, so he probably thinks that I am strong enough to send him away. If he only knew.

 

Okay, this was rather long, but I just wanted to let you know what happened and thank you again for your moral support last week. I really needed it.

 

It probably wont take long till I am back posting about some crisis, but at the moment I am doing okay. I hope you are all strong too, and please feel free to share any thoughts you have on my situation.

Dear everyone,

out of nowhere I have reached a point where I decided that I had enough.

 

I dont know why, but it is like I had an epiphany and realized that this relationship is over for good and that by staying in touch with him I am only going to hurt myself and prolong the healing process.

 

Nothing happened since my last post, only that he took a week to contact me again. In that period I decided that I did not want that anymore.

 

I have been doing NC for 15 days now and I want to stick to it for as long as necessary. He has contacted me twice since, but I ignored both messages. I hope he does not contact me again, because that's when it gets difficult for me, because I hate being rude and not replying.

 

Other than that I have decided to only look forward and move away from my past. This is something I would not have been able to do a few months or even weeks ago, but now I am strong enough.

 

Thank you all for accompanying me on this long winding road, which has lasted for 6 months already.

Hi,

 

it's been a while since I posted on here, and I felt like and update was in order.

 

So, I have been a good girl and did not break NC. In six days it will be 3 whole months of NC.

My ex kept on contacting me for 3 weeks or so till he realized that I was not going to reply, so he sent me a 'goodbye email' in which he promised not to bother me again. That was 2 months ago.

 

Since then I have had my ups and downs, but I have to say that, in retrospect, NC is the best way to heal and get over an ex. Not that I have forgotten about him. I still think about him every hour and still have my little dreams/hopes/phantasies of us getting back together.

But I am definitely feeling less desperate now. I got back my self confidence and my belief that I can make it and will even be happy again, without him in my life.

 

I also stopped believing that he is the best guy alive and my soulmate, but realized that I loved him and gave my heart to him, and that's why it hurts, but there are surely other guys out there who I might care about just as much.

 

On the dating front, I have not done much, but met a few guys and one or two of them are interested in me. While I have no intention to start a new relationship, as I am not ready for it, it sure feels good to get some attention from the other sex.

 

About my ex, well last week he included me in some mass-email he sent to 50 people. that really upset me as it was the first contact in nearly two months and it was so inpersonal. As a result to this I changed my email address, after I had already changed my mobile and landline number.

 

But this morning I got a mail from him to my workaccount basically just saying 'hi, hope you are doing fine'. He does not say anthing about missing me, loving me or wanting to get back together, so I am probably just going to ignore it and continue to get over him. I have tried the fake friendship for 6 months and it was a pure waste of my time and energy.

 

So as you can probably tell from my post, I am doing much better now and look forward to the days when I will be truly happy again. I would not have believed that 8 months ago, but time truly does heal.

 

Good luck to all of you and I will keep you posted if anything interesting happens

Thanks for the update.

You've come a long way girl. You should be proud of yourself. I think you are going to be just fine.

 

Keep going