Is it wise to ignore my ex-bf's messages if I want him back?

Dear everyone,

my boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me 2 months ago. His reason was that he could not see a future for us as we wanted different things from life. Me marriage and children, him money and career.

The day he moved out he started sending me messages about how sad he felt, that he missed and thinks he made a mistake. A week later he asked for a second chance and I told him that I needed to think about it.

A few days later I said lets try! But by then he had changed his mind. He said that he needed to be by himself to figure out what he really wanted out of life and if I was the one he wanted to be with or not.

We kept in touch via sms and email and met up again a week later or so. In that meeting he told me that he needed more time to make up his mind so I suggested a month of NC. He agreed and said that would be for the best.

He did not stick to it though and contacted me a few days later.

We were in contact and met again about 3 weeks later. Before we met we spoke on the phone and I asked him how he felt about me and us. He said that he did not love me anymore, did not miss me and did not want to get back together in the near future.

Great, we met so I could give him his things and to my surprise had a really nice evening. When I came home he send me a message saying that it was really good seeing me and that I looked really good indeed.

Well, after that I did not hear from him for a week. I nearly went crazy, but did not contact him. A week later he wrote and said that he was superbusy. I replied that it was okay and that I was doing good.

He wrote again the next day, but I chose to ignore his message. After that he contacted me again 2 days later, 5 days later and another 2 days later.

In his messages he is always casual and friendly asking me how I am doing and what is new in my life and telling me what he is up to.

I have ignored his last 4 messages because he did not say anything about us or about missing me in it. I thought that maybe if I gave him some NC he would realise that he loves me and would start missing me.

Now I have not heard from him in 6 days and I am starting to doubt that it is wise to ignore his messages.

I really love him and would love to try again, but I dont know if being available for casual, friendly conversation is going to do the trick.

What do you think? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

it's best to keep with the no contact. I know its very hard. I'm in the middle of it myself right no, and its no fun. He broke up with me two days after Thanksgiving, he came over Friday for the rest of his stuff, and I asked him to come back. He said "no'. Then he started calling every night just to "chat' so he says.

I asked him again if he was coming back, and he said "no". So the next night I unplugged the phone, turned off the cell, so I wouldn't be tempted to pick it up. If they wanted us back, they would let us know. These chit-chat calls are just torture. The best thing is not to answer.

Don't blame yourself for not picking up. Like I said, if they wanted to come back, we'd know about it.

Actually I do think it is wise for you to ignore his messages. He's already told you he isn't in love with you anymore and doesn't see a future together. He's met you a couple of times since the break up and his feelings have not changed. Even though you two had a pleasant evening I don't get the sense that he has changed his mind.

I think you need to use NC to heal. Yes its always possible he might come around. But unless he's contacting you saying he wants you back, it sounds like he really just wants a friendship. And that doesn't seem to be what you want.

If you want, you can let him know that its too painful for you to talk to him right now and that a friendship isn't possible at the moment. At least then he will know why you are ignoring him. But I would focus on healing yourself and accepting the fact that he is gone.

I think it's time you start thinking more about how you feel and not how he feels. You do need to separate yourself from him at this time because he sounds like a very confused man who is only going to hurt you and damage your self-esteem each time he changes his mind.

I would suggest that the only thing you accept from him now is a declaration of his love and desire to get back together...anything less than that and he is still wavering.

Take care of your heart.

If you do decide to keep in contact with him for whatever reason I suggest you resist asking where you stand or how he feels about you... and at the same time keep on moving on in your life. Don't wait for him to make up his mind. You make up your mind not to settle for less than what you want.

Love

Dear Ladies,

thanks for your input, I really appreciate it.

How do I feel about it all? I am absolutely heartbroken. I love this man so much and miss him so much too.

We had been together for 2.5 years, living together for 1.5 and gone through so much together.

I know he was not happy in our relationship for a while, about 6 months. Since about march he told me that he would rather we break up because he does not think that he can give me what I want and need. But I always talked him out of it by saying that as long as we still love each other, we should keep on fighting for our relationship.

He is a really great guy, and I know he hates the fact that he hurts me, but in the end he had to make himself happy. Now I really appreciate that he stuck in for as long as he did and I just wish I had taken the last 6 months more seriously and had realised that this was our last chance.

Even though I start doubting it now and then, I think that he once really loved me, but in the end he decided that I was not the ONE for him.

He never told me that it is over for good but that he cant be with me at the moment and that he really hopes that the feelings will come back and that he will realise that I am the one for him, but at the moment he does not feel it.

It hurts so much, because I really do love him, but I understand him and want him to be happy.

That's why I feel so bad for not replying to his messages. He is a good guy and would never hurt me intentionally, he knows that I love and miss him and probably only wants to make me happy by contacting me.

I know I could tell him to please not contact me anymore unless he wants to get back together, and I am sure he would stick to it, but I am scared that this way he will never change his mind.

I guess I am selfish after all because I don't want to really set him free, but keep some sort of connection by being in contact with him.

While writing this I realise that I am contradicting myself but I just feel very lost right now.

All the books that talk about getting an ex back say that it is important to have contact, so I dont want to cut contact with him all together. But on the other hand I hope that some NC will make him realise what we had and that he really does love me after all.

I am at the end of my wits and really need some advice. What can you do if you loved him and treated him really well, but he just fell out of love with you?

Any guys out there who can offer some advice on how to get him back? Thanks a lot.

The best way to get him back is to ignore him and pretend to forget about him. Why? because alot of people have big ego's and they cannot fathom that someone who loved them could forget about them so quickly.... so they run back to you in disbelief.

Of course if he no longer wants to be with you then you will be setting him free, but do you really want to hold on to a man who has already told you he is not sure he wants you in his life?

Grab on to whatever shred of dignity you have left girl and walk away with your head held high. No sense in asking, convincing or manipulating a man to stick it out when he doesn't want to. You love yourself too much for that...you should.

Love

lol i hope males are welcome here, muneca I did like that line you said

"The best way to get him back is to ignore him and pretend to forget about him. Why? because alot of people have big ego's and they cannot fathom that someone who loved them could forget about them so quickly.... so they run back to you in disbelief. "

I think if you forget about them gradualy things might work slow, but me and my ex talked 2 days ago, i told her once again how i missed her etc, she blocked me but today she unblocked me for watever reason, so its nice and fresh to just disapear REALLY sudden and dont look back, and your line and phrase just backed up my decision thanks.

Dear Detox,

males are definitely welcome on here. I would love to hear a man's opinion on my situation. What is your's?

Well, its true he may want you in his life, he keeps on calling, I think its secretly missing you, the more he has these feelings, i think the more he will just deny himself and just say, you know what i do still love her and i do want her back. I dont wanna give you false hope, but I do think the more he wants something from you and your not giving it to him he will come lookin harder. Another point that mun said was this

"You make up your mind not to settle for less than what you want"

and damn shes soo right, I know my ex wants to go big in her career and its very important to her i KNOW it is, so with that in mind I wouldnt want her to settle less then what she wants, so why should we settle for less then what we want.

Its fact, but at times it doesnt make you feel better, But there is REALLy nothing we can do at this point in time, i know ive tried chasing, and that gets me nowhere, so since i spoke to my ex 2 days ago and she SEEMS to have made up her mind after me confessing how i feel, well i am gonna leave it fresh and just disapear, she might even start to think if she was right. so do the same, keep on at your NC, its a big easier for you, your ex contacts you frequently, mine wont for a while, so with that keep strong!

Det

Hi Detox,

thanks for your encouraging words. One question, what do you mean by "he will deny himself"? Confuses me a bit.

Well what i mean, was that he might sub consiously denie that he still likes you etc feelings, it seems his missing you and hiding it with hi contacts and how are you's?

get what i mean?

but how long can they possible reassure them selfs that they are over you?

but how long can they possible reassure them selfs that they are over you?

According to what I read on this website, a very long time.

But thanks for clearing this up. It really gives me some hope, and even if nothing comes out of it, it is much nicer to feel hopeful instead of desperate.

What are the details of your breakup? Maybe I can give you some insight from my point of view.

Hmm how long can they reassure them selfs, not too sure, ive been told the more they ask them selfs the same questions over and over, and the more they see you are not complying and are doing really well for yourself, there choice just becomes more of a mistake to them, so i think.

and my situation, i dont really wanna go too much into it, im at a point I know what i have to do, and my mind is strong, I wanna do something SOOO fantastic, that the next time i speak with my ex I will just thrill the life outta them, do something sooo good, either a dream, make something really good of yourself, just to show them and YOU, you CAN live without them.

You did all them good things when they were not there, I know that if i found out my ex did something cool, id be real interested and wanted to get back with this cool person, if you kinda get me.

I get you.

I wish you all the best. Keep us posted on your progress.

Thanks for you input

Dang i wrote u something nice and i crashed, waht i was gonna say was that I know how much pain feels like. I try endless things when i hurt, nothing seems to work much.

I saw you cry for help, and i could of at least tried to comfort, so i hope you feel a lot better and stuff

I am in a similar situation, me and my boyfriend "officially"broke up a while back but we still lived in the same house and things were up and down for about a month. Things got really bad and i moved out without telling him...just went on wednesday. he didnt know where i went. Tonight (monday) I saw him for the first time since then. I havent text/called/emailed and he called me on friday. i didnt answer so i got a lairy msg, which i didnt answer, then about 10 mins later i got an apology. i still didnt answer. then half an hour later i got a msge practically begging me to talk. but i didnt. i didnt hear anything more from him until sunday, he tried calling again but left no msg. tonight he text me asking for a cd case back and said he has bowl of mine...seems to me he's making excuses to contact? what do you guys think? i do want him back, but i'm very wary of getting hurt. And its so hard ignoring calls, and angry msgs...i just want to defend myself, or just try and be nice etc. but if i do he'll know im weak and try and control me. whereas now im in control...i can choose when I want to speak to him...when it suits me. Kinda funny, the last thing i heard from him he told me he thought it was best we didnt talk, he doesnt care about me anymore, wants me out of his life yada yada...as soon as i do, he starts to panick coz he's losing control maybe?

hello; seems as though everyone has said plenty here. i sympathise though, and know how you must feel, since the same thing (well, very nearly in copycat style) happened to me.

i agree with the "don't respond" advice; it has only prolonged my getting over it and on with it. you mentioned that you wanted marriage and children eventually; well, if this guy says he doesn't a lot of things are possible. among them:

your guy honestly doesn't want or can't see himself having marriage and children in a time frame that agrees with you. (I was with someone like this; he was a good person and we loved each other, but well, I'm not up to "starting" my family at age 45, and we're nearly the same age now!)

he does want those things someday, but not with you (sorry, but this is true a lot of the time; even he may not really know it)

he knows he doesn't love you but keeps calling because he is attached to the relationship and to you. wanting to have cake and eat it, but in a nicer way than that is normally meant.

he is confused or feeling pressurised about something or things in life and just can't be with you right now.

All I can say is, do YOU really want to focus on all this? Isn't it better to focus on how you're getting along, and work on shaping your life into what you'd like it to be? I think this guy was making an effort to be "honest" with you; unfortunately for some blokes (and women) this can mean just saying what's coming to mind, a bit bluntly and maybe not the whole story--just how much he/she has realised by the time they spit it out.

So sorry for what you're going through. if you need an ear, please pm. I am slow to reply but will give you a better email address that I check more often, promise. You're already thinking objectively about this some of the time. Good job. It's hard. Keep trying!

I am also in a situation like that. He kept calling and I feel it was setting me back every time I talk to him. Now every night I unplug the phone, so I won't even be tempted to pick it up if he calls.

Hi everyone, thanks for all your kind words.

I sent him an e-card last night and just got a reply from him. All he said was: "Wish you all the best for the next year and hope your dreams and wishes come true. Look after yourself and keep your chin up."

Ouch, that hurts. To me it sounds like he is saying goodbye. Does it sound that way to you as well?

Now I am beating myself up for not replying to his messages. He probably thought that if I cant take the time to reply to a short message from him, then I obviously dont care about him. Or something like that.

It hurts a lot. I hoped for something along the lines "Thanks for your card. How are you doing?" But he did not even ask me a question, so now I have no excuse to write back to him.

In my ecard to him I had written: Dear XXX, wish you a happy Channukah. Hope you are doing well. Love, XXX"

I feel really gutted right now. I dont expect to hear from him for a long time now and it hurts like hell. Somehow I wish I had not written to him, but then I would probably be wondering what if I had replied to him.

Ouch, my heart really hurts like now. Does anyone have anything uplifting to say?

Hi,

I'm sorry you didn't get the response you wanted. Try not contacting him anymore and I bet he will call or message you again just like before. Don't panic.. that is the last thing you should do because then you won't be thinking straight. Let him do some work here, if he wants to get you back you'll be able to tell.

Keep your chin up

Mun

HI, thanks for your uplifting words. Even if it does not happen, I think it is important to have some hope. I don't know why people always talk against (false) hope. I'd rather have hope then despair.

Anyway, before I wrote I tried to imagine what the possible outcome of my ecard could be.

1) He writes back something like: Happy Channukah too!

2) He writes back: Hey, thanks, good to hear from you. How are you?

3) Or he does not write back at all.

Option 3 would have been worst and option 2 best case scenario. At least he did reply. I know that I am guilty of in the past not replying to greeting cards of even people I like, so that is a good sign.

I know, i am the Queen of Rationalisation, trying to find excuses for everything, but at least now I am able to smile again, after a bout of crying in the shower just now.

You are right, I have to keep a cool head, not panic and not contact him in any form, shape or size. Channukah was always our happiest time in the year, but I have to not think about the past, but focus on the present.

Of course I hope to hear from him soon, but I tell myself that I have to be patient now and not expect anything for a month or so. My hope is that in a month I will have healed a bit and not care so much anymore if I hear from him or not.

Thanks for all your suggestions and advice, please keep them coming. I would especially welcome a man's point of view. Since 'Mars-Venus' I really believe that men and women are different.

HI everyone,

does anyone else have any input on my situation?

Do you all think that I messed up big time and should not have written him? Or should I have put into my message that I have been in Canada and that's why I have not replied to his messages?

Any views would be appreciated. Thanks.

Trying, don't give him any excuses. He's the one who broke up with you. You don't owe him any explanations. Be strong and don't talk to him. He will let you know when or if he wants to try again.

Yeah, the operative word being IF, and I dont think he will want to try again, and somehow I think it is my fault because I showed him the cold shoulder when I ignored his messages.

I know this is probably really stupid, but right now I think I totally messed up.

If you think you totally messed up then there is one thing you can do. Call him up ONE TIME- when you know you will get his machine- and leave him a message, something like this: Hey it's___ just called to see how you are doing.

That's it. He will probably call you after that. You don't have to ignore every call, you just have to know you will be OK talking to him.

If you think you will still want to talk about "us" or ask where you stand then you are not ready (emotionally) to talk to him. You are ready when you can just as well stay as walk away. It's not about playing games... it's about being in a healthy emotional state.