I need help with my essays for college apps.

Id like some critiqueing and advice, im applying for university of texas.

Essay A: Describe a significant setback, challenge, or opportunity in your life and the impact that it has had on you.

"Follow no one else's path, instead make your own and leave a trail for others to follow." Life is like a race, and we are its runners. And in this race of life there are to be many obstacles and sharp turns to come and bring us down. Opportunities and challenges will come and pass. Many an opportunity I have passed up and let go, and many I regretted not taking. And many challenges and significant setbacks have gone and went. In fact, one setback has made a huge impact on my life, so significant that I have many opportunities.

Growing up with my religiously strict parents has definitely brought me down through out my life. Being unable to participate in school sports, clubs, and other extra curricular activities because of my parents' religious beliefs, I'd have to say, was a major setback for me. Not being able to be with my friends just because they have a different faith has definitely been a downer for me. I particularly remember one opportunity that I have missed out on. Excitement was within me as I opened that letter from Cambridge University, and I was accepted to a prep college in Cambridge.

My parents, on the other hand, felt indifferent. Their decision was set in stone, I could not go because it would be too far from home, and I would be associating with people who do not have the same faith as my parents. I believe I have missed out on a lot of opportunities, but I have learned many lessons and virtues from the past. I have learned to be strong and just grin and bear through it all. And I have greatly appreciated my friends, who have been there for me through rough times, and the education I was able to receive. Education is the best opportunity anyone can have and it is one that I haven't missed out on. And so I have appreciated my teachers who have been there for me when any challenges may arise. Friends and teachers, those are the ones that have helped me get back up when I fell.

In this race of life there are many obstacles to make you fall, and you will fall. But all you can do is get back up, wipe that dirt off, continue running, and enjoy the scenery while you run because all of us are to reach that one same finish line.

Essay B: Many students expand their view of the world during their time in college. Such growth often results from encounters between student who have lived different cultural, economic, or academic experiences. With your future growth in mind, describe a potential classmate that you could learn from either within or outside a formal classroom environment.

I haven't a good idea for this. I'm thinking of describing my ex-girlfriend who has opened my mind a lot.

Both have to have a maximum of 120 lines.

My boyfriend is also in the process of applying for college and I recently edited many of his essays (as he is an adorably terrible writer I'll look over it and give you some tips (sorry, don't have time to give you a full edit). Good luck with your apps!

"Follow no one else's path, instead make your own and leave a trail for others to follow." *You need to back this quote up...who said it? under what circumstances?

Life is like a race, and we are its runners. *Make it a metaphor ("Life IS a race") A similie doesn't work here. "We" is an indefinite pronoun. Who is "we"? The college admissions people don't know what we is even though you and I know what is implied by "we". Don't make the reader guess. Change that.

And in this race of life there are to be many obstacles and sharp turns to come and bring us down. *Edit it to something like "Countless obstacles and sharp turns lurk in every corner, plotting demise as we race down the path of life." (Just an example). Continue the metaphor so that the obstacles are characterized. The sentence takens on too much of a passive tone as well, and the "there are to be" is misused tense. Make it active. Catch the reader's attention. Make them see what is happening.

Opportunities and challenges will come and pass. *Maybe something like "Opportunities slip through our fingers like showers of sand" (Example). Just add something to this sentence.

Many an opportunity I have passed up and let go, and many I regretted not taking. *"Many an opportunity" is a bit too colloquial. Maybe something like "Looking back, I see in clear hindsight, the many opportunities I failed to see then; it is only now that I that I can fully appreciate the challenges and setbacks that I have encountered ..."

And many challenges and significant setbacks have gone and went. *"Gone and went" is redundant. This is not a sentence, it is a fragment. Maybe combine with the previous sentence for paralellism (see above).

In fact, one setback has made a huge impact on my life, so significant that I have many opportunities. *Don't say in fact; it is again, too colloquial. This sentence doesn't really make sense to me. This is sentence is possibly unnecessary. You don't need to state this before you jump into your story.

Growing up with my religiously strict parents has definitely brought me down through out my life. *"Throughout" is one word. I wouldn't say "brought me down". The essay is about a setback that you have overcome, right? So to state in the first sentence of your story that it brought you down throughout your life isn't what the admissions people want to hear. They want to hear that you didn't let it get in your way; they want to hear that you can OVERCOME the challenges you're faced with. Say something like "growing up...has posed a challenge for me throughout my life that I have learned to overcome."

Being unable to participate in school sports, clubs, and other extra curricular activities because of my parents' religious beliefs, I'd have to say, was a major setback for me. *Again, too colloquial, and ineffective sentence structure. Say something like, "It was a challenge to be unable to....because of my parents' religious beliefs. I'd also expand just a little about the general issue with your parents (other than just saying that they are religiously strict. Explain the situation a bit more).

Not being able to be with my friends just because they have a different faith has definitely been a downer for me. *don't say "a downer". Try something like "As a child, it was incredibly difficult to not be allowed to associate with the people of my own choosing, solely on the basis of their alternative faiths."

I particularly remember one opportunity that I have missed out on. Excitement was within me as I opened that letter from Cambridge University, and I was accepted to a prep college in Cambridge. * It's up to you, but since you're applying to a college, it would be in your best interest not to use this example because you don't want to show that you are upset for not being able to attend Cambridge. Colleges don't want a student who "settles" for their school. They want someone who is actively interested and excited to go to their school. How would you feel as an admissions person reading about some kid who was really mad about not being able to attend his first choice school, so he sucked it up and chose another one?(-: Think of another example!!

My parents, on the other hand, felt indifferent. Their decision was set in stone, I could not go because it would be too far from home, and I would be associating with people who do not have the same faith as my parents. *I think you meant that they felt "differently". Indifferent means that they don't care either way. If you change the example, this isn't relevant anyway, of course. I strongly advise you to change the example. If you decide to keep it, the above sentences (as well as the previous one) need revising.

I believe I have missed out on a lot of opportunities, but I have learned many lessons and virtues from the past. I have learned to be strong and just grin and bear through it all. And I have greatly appreciated my friends, who have been there for me through rough times, and the education I was able to receive. *Don't say "a lot". Say "many". Generally, try to use more mature words (don't sound like you swallowed a dictionary. I'm not saying you should sit with a thesaurus and replace every word. If using large vocab words just isn't you, then that's cool. At least take out colloquilisms such as "a lot"; it's just bad writing.) You could say something like "I believe I have missed out on many opportunities as a result...; however, these hardships taught me invaluable lessons, etc. (don't say "from the past", it doesn't make sense). Don't say the next sentence...instead make it sound more as if you learned something from your challenges (not just grinned and beared it - which by the way, is a cliche that you should avoid). Continue with "through all of these challenged, I have learned... . I would not have been able to overcome these challenged had it not been for the support of my friends, and the foundation of my education...."

Education is the best opportunity anyone can have and it is one that I haven't missed out on. And so I have appreciated my teachers who have been there for me when any challenges may arise. Friends and teachers, those are the ones that have helped me get back up when I fell. *Explain why you value education so greatly. "Education is the most invaluable opportunity that anyone is blessed to receive. It is one opportunity that I am grateful for not missing...(don't say And at the beginning of so many sentences. It is okay to break this rule and use it when appropriate, but this is too many). Just continue with something like "These challenges have helped me learn to appreciate...my friends and my teachers have been my support when life's challenges have been..."

In this race of life there are many obstacles to make you fall, and you will fall. *Make it more personal at the end. Try something like "As I continue to race down this path of life, I try to avoid the obstacles that block my way, but I know that if I fall, I am strong enough to get myself up again."

But all you can do is get back up, wipe that dirt off, continue running, and enjoy the scenery while you run because all of us are to reach that one same finish line. *Try "I can continue to run the path, wherever it takes me...because I know that when the race ends, everyone stops at the same finish line" (something like that.)

-Some general tips:

*Correct ALL colloquilisms! This is big! You're not writing note to a friend in class. You're writing a college essay. You don't have to be suit and tie formal, but a little cleaning up will help.

*Use a more appropriate example. This would be a great example if it wasn't about how you got rejected from another college.

*Vary syntax. All of your sentences are short and simple. That's fine for some; but change it up a bit

*Make sure your essay "flows" well, and make sure it would make sense to a reader. Have a few people read it and see what they think. You have good points; make sure they come accross cogently and coherently.Use transitions between paragraphs.

*Use stronger diction. Make your words come alive. Demand the attention of the reader and involve him in your story. You need to make clear JUST how hard your struggle has been, and how you have overcome it.

Sorry, this isn't a full edit. Let me know if you need more help. Best of luck

too late i already submitted it.

you wrote the first post around 10pm and it's almost 2am, and you've submitted already? You expected people to reply within less than a 4 hour time span immediately before you sent it? Well, best of luck nontheless.

too late i already submitted it.

Oh my goodness, and you couldn't even say 'thanks'?! The above poster obviously took so much time to critique your essay, the least you could have done was show some appreciation.

Anyway, Sweatpea4670, you are obviously a very good writer; I enjoyed reading your ideas.

Good luck to you both in your chosen careers.

Hum, darn dude, my major is in English. I'm a first year in college and i'm already doing student teaching for 100 college level English classes.

thanks for the critiqueing, you are awesome at writing, thats like college level

i really wish i didnt submit it but i was behind the november early decision deadline. i was pressed for time. did my writing really suck that bad? yours just blows mine out the water.

Your writing definitely does not suck! I hope that's not what my critique implied. There was just a little room for improvement and I was hoping to help. Let us know if you get in; good luck!