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If a guy really likes a girl, will he always go after her?


pip

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Just want to ask all the men out there: if a guy likes a girl, will he always go after her? Not necessarily ask her out (I know that takes guts), but at least call her/chase her/try to see her/etc?

 

I've been reading that relationships book "He's Just Not That Into You", which basically says that women should not waste their time obsessing over men who aren't interested. The authors argue that if a guy really likes a girl, he will ask her out. They say that men will always go after a girl they like, and if a guy doesn't, it means he's "just not that into you" (hence the title of the book) and a woman should just move on and find someone who *is* into her. She shouldn't chase or pursue a guy, because the theory is that if he likes her enough, he will chase *her*.

 

This theory appeals to me - I've spent too many hours getting upset and pining after guys who weren't really into me.. too much heartache

 

Do you think it's a good theory? What if a guy is really shy? I'd love to know what other people think

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if there shy they usually just glance at you and look away before you see them. and they will do stuff like try to see you a couple times a day like around school and stuff. but if a dude is not interested hes not interested. shy people sometimes its really hard to tell if there interested. when they like you just check if most of the time they always have there feet tapping on the ground around you. sounds pretty childish but for most shy guys this goes away after you talk to them alot. a guy will display signs if hes not interested. NEVER MIXED SIGNALS THOUGH. we dont display mixed signals like well write you a nice letter or note one day then not do it for a long time. it wont really happen if you notice things start to build up frequently after a month, your in luck and the dudes not shy. if you notice things will happen like checking you out usually whenever the dude looks at you theres a good chance he likes you unless your clothes are wacky. well if this happens for longer than 3 months and if hes not a friend and this type of stuff occurs theres a good chance the dude likes you.

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With all due respect Holy Torture (and without meaning to sound condescending) - I think when you're 15, almost *everyone* is shy. I certainly was!!

 

I guess I'm talking about people who've been dating for years - you know, adults who've been 'around the block' for a few years and have been in adult relationships.

 

But you make a good point. You know, you should just go for it and show a girl that you like her - it'll make her so excited inside

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It depends on the guy. If a guy is really shy, he probably won't go after her. If he's bold and confident, you can bet your bottom dollar that he'll ask her out. Shy guys tend to be more passive whereas extroverted guys will make the move. Usually a guy's body language and behavior towards a girl gives it away. If I like a girl, I tend to tease her and bother her a lot. But many guys would never do that to a girl they like - they remain quiet and at a loss for words.

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I think the reason that not all guys will ask a girl out is cuz... that would be A LOT OF WOMEN... I mean... for me I don't "ask out." I just chill, talk to them here and there... see if I like them. I never "ask out" though. Perhaps its cuz I am only 18, and I go to college. The way I started with my ex was cuz she wanted me to get her some alcohol... so i did a run with some friends and brought it to her. I went into the room... and we talked for a bit. Then it was like "we should do this again sometime" sorta thing.

 

I typically don't "ask out" until I know the person. The way I know them is through just normal situations through school... and over time you ask out.

 

Now, I don't chase. I am not chased much, and I usually reject if I am chased (I don't like women chasing me, let me to the initiating... k? thnx). I chase if I am really really intrigued by a girl... I mean I gotta be head over heals. If not then I just carry on like I don't even like a girl.

 

Can I ask people why they would fear rejection? What have you got to lose? some pride? if you lose pride from that, then you need some help.. possibly very insecure.

 

ForAnother

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I think the reason that not all guys will ask a girl out is cuz... that would be A LOT OF WOMEN... I mean... for me I don't "ask out." I just chill, talk to them here and there... see if I like them. I never "ask out" though. Perhaps its cuz I am only 18, and I go to college.

 

I'm out of college and I don't have any female coworkers my age so the only chance I'm going to get to talk to a girl is by asking her out. It sucks because I can't get to know a girl except by asking her out but I have to ask her out before really knowing her and she doesn't really know me so it can be a little nervous sometimes. I don't know why, it just some chemical thing in your brain.

 

Lots of times I think a girl is out of my league, but lots of other times I like a girl and don't want to ask her out because I think I am out of her league

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Hi

 

The notion that there is a direct correlation between a person's fear of rejection and level of insecurity is crap, for so many reasons. For instance, at the root of any sort of acquaintance with another person there is a basis - the perception of shared values or beliefs, shared tangible activities, "chemistry" - something. It happens this way because as humans we are social beings and subconsciously seek acceptance from others and recoil rejection, and are thereforeeee drawn to people and situations where we are likely to be accepted. Its also why most people feel quite intensely nervous just before delivering a speech to a large group, for example. We don't feel like this because we are insecure, it's because it is how we react once we know that we are openly risking our acceptance by other people by addressing them in that way.

 

Now you mix this basic instinct with the instincts involved in dealing with the opposite sex and you're bound to have someone affected if rejection occurs. So it does make sense to consider these risks before "asking someone out".

 

I will go out on a limb and say that by and large guys are rational with their thinking on most things, including this. They'll weigh up both negatives and positives before taking action, which means that they will not necessarily ask a girl out they "fancy".

 

Lack of rationalism here erodes transparency, which obviously means that the risk that something doesn't happen between two people that should, based on the facts, is increased. Mind games, inconsiderate conduct, manipulation - deliberate or not - they're just a few examples of things that don't leave room for rationalism, and thereforeeee transparency.

 

My advice? In your situation I think that you should do exactly what I would do - weigh it up. How much do you "fancy" him? (Remember to base your "profile" on your own deductions, not on others' opinions). If you decide its worth pursuing, drop a few clear hints or even "ask him out". This promotes transparency by enabling him to weigh everything up as well.

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Well, another guy posting

and well, it just depends on the person, you get guys who, if they like a girl, will ask them out within 5 seconds of meeting them, but there are others who are just much too shy to ask, and they are usually the nicest people, just quiet-ish.

I've seen a friend (guy) of mine pursue another friend (girl), who he _really_ likes.. but hes just been too shy to ask her out, and maybe a year after they knew each other, and they got close friends, he told her his feelings.. but she rejected him, and hes been getting worse and worse lately, in general, and towards her... but thats another story.

 

So that theory in the book, in my opinion, is a bad one.. Shy guys might take a long time to tell a girl his feelings, usually only when he knows her better. So theres no way to know really if someone really likes you, theres always probably hints, the way he looks at you, but not much else

 

 

 

gunblade

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My impression has always been that the guys who are truly interested will let you know, either by calling or finding a way to be somewhere where you are and striking up a conversation. I understand really painfully shy guys might have a problem with this, but in all honesty, I probably wouldn't be attracted to someone that shy. I need to see SOME interest after a certain point, plus I'm an outgoing person and really shy, quiet people would not be able to hold my interest for long. I enjoy talking with someone and getting to know them, not have to wring every word out of them.

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OK lotta things here, I might be young but please take my advice to heart.

 

Lots of times I think a girl is out of my league, but lots of other times I like a girl and don't want to ask her out because I think I am out of her league

 

First of all I think it's really lame to consider someone out of your league, you got a whole superiority thing going on there which I think is pretty arrogant and you shouldn't consider anyone "lower" than you it's disrespectful.

 

Second of all SkyFire...she defenition of shyness is pretty much fear. When I say I am too shy to do something...I mean I am too afraid to do it because of fear of rejrection...

 

 

Anyway getting on, I am a really shy guy I guess but I think the stereotypes you are all drawing are really unfair. You don't have to pry things out of shy guys or anything like that. Perhaps acutely shy people are like that or maybe they are just people who don't like to talk. But for me, I talk, laugh, dance, shout, do everything with friends...I'll even go up and initiate conversation with strangers and everything. When it comes to a girl I like though, I have a hard time expressing my feelings. It's not like I am at a loss for words or anything, I have found out that the girls I have been at a loss for words with, wasn't because I was struck dumb by my feelings, it was just because there wasn't anything to say and so frankly it probably would have been a bad relationship. However with girls that I am not at a loss for words with, I will usually carry on regular conversation as if there is nothing new at all. Tell jokes and all and be considering wether I want to ask them on a date. I want a hint from them that they approve before I ask them, if I get a good one I will, if I don't then it all depends on wether I consider the rejection "worth it." And even when I do consider it worth it, it usually takes me a little while to draw up the courage.

 

That all being said ForAnother made a good point, at least in my opinion. It's not that I mind girls asking me out or anything, in fact it's great, but I don't like girls who try too hard. I have been in the situation where a girl would just go out of her way to complement me on the stupidest things and also exclaim several times that she needs a boyfriend and how cool I am in the same breath. That was a complete turnoff and I didn't even consider asking her out. Infact as a response to one of ther usually "I wish I had a bf" conversations I told her not to try so hard. But on the other hand if a girl doesn't show any interest in me at all, and I can foster none, I will not likely ask her out...

 

 

Hope that helped some I mean my point is basically show some interest but don't overdo it and if they pick up they pick up.

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Being shy is afraid of rejection. Man up, grab your balls, and talk to them. Don't be afraid, they are usually flattered, even if they don't show it to your face.

 

Also, depending on a guys mood, if he is looking for some goodies, or actually looking for someone to date... I mean, I don't think i would ask a girl out persay. I would say, "we should do something sometime" if she says yes then... get her number and give her a call later on. Simple as that.

 

ForAnother

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Every man is different in terms of what they want. A man infatuated with a girl will not always go for her, but there is no question that the desire to have some type of connection with the girl exists. It is only up to the guy who has to ask himself if he really wants it.

 

In my opinion, if a guy wants something badly enough, he finds a way to get it. That has been my mentality for the last few years and I am proud to say that it has given me confidence and experience. However, I am just one guy and cannot speak for every other male in the world. But from what I have seen, men tend to let trivial emotions, such as fear and shyness, hold them back. I know it's a hard obstacle to overcome, but the ones who are able to get over shyness are the ones who send signals to girls that they really like them. After all, if one cannot be on personal terms with another, who can say that the man really likes a girl anyways? Because that would most likely be just wishful thinking, although there is always someone who will beg to differ.

 

Just my two cents. 8)

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hi i know what you mean, having a guy that you like also liking you back but hes shy to tell you, he give hints only in class , like tapping his feet on floor, stearing at you all day during class, his legs are cross and faceing your way, making you smile, giveing hints what he likes and hads. Out of class he dont show it, but he says hi any time you see each other ------- like in my case. This kid thats 25 that does these things to me as above. i always approach him and asking him things about class and when i see him outside he puts out his cigt and come over to me. Is it because he respects me when he puts out his cigt. Just the other day in class one of his friends thats a girl said some sexully things to him and he told her to stop and also, hes been giving me hints about him self , like when hes b-day was, and this girl told him to dont relay to much infor about him self to me.

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OK lotta things here, I might be young but please take my advice to heart.

 

Lots of times I think a girl is out of my league, but lots of other times I like a girl and don't want to ask her out because I think I am out of her league

 

First of all I think it's really lame to consider someone out of your league, you got a whole superiority thing going on there which I think is pretty arrogant and you shouldn't consider anyone "lower" than you it's disrespectful.

 

You just know when someone is at a different level than you (higher or lower). Whether that is right or not. Whether you like it or not. Its unavoidable. It happens to everyone. That is all I am saying. But let me add that you should never put that in their face and you should not let it control you too much. Its annoying, and you have to try to ignore it, but its still there. And that is one reason why a person may be nervous to ask someone out.

 

 

That all being said ForAnother made a good point, at least in my opinion. It's not that I mind girls asking me out or anything, in fact it's great, but I don't like girls who try too hard. I have been in the situation where a girl would just go out of her way to complement me on the stupidest things and also exclaim several times that she needs a boyfriend and how cool I am in the same breath. That was a complete turnoff and I didn't even consider asking her out. Infact as a response to one of ther usually "I wish I had a bf" conversations I told her not to try so hard. But on the other hand if a girl doesn't show any interest in me at all, and I can foster none, I will not likely ask her out...

 

How old are you? 16? are you afraid she wants to trap you into marriage or something? obviously she likes you and if she's only 16 too then she's probably a little bit naive and she thinks its the right thing to say all that stuff.

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To return to the question, I think the guy's pursuit will be matched to his level of interest. But at some point, even the most confident guy has to admit when there doesn't seem to be interest from the other side, and he has to know if it's the right time to walk away, to try finding something else. "He's just not into you" has one set of signals, and then "She's not really interested" has another group of signals that guys have to try to catch.

 

And for all you shy guys out there, listen to what Scout says. Think of something about this woman you're interested in knowing and ask her. If anything's going to happen, it's going to have to start with the two of you talking. And if it makes you nervous to talk with her (believe me, I can have the same problems when it comes to talking to someone I'm really interested in), remember that the chances are REALLY high you're going to meet someone else. And that that someone else will strike your fancy in ways that are both similar and different to this woman. Talking to a woman, and getting rejected by her, is not the end of the world. OK, maybe for a couple hours, but not forever.

 

But more than anything just talk to her and find out if you really like HER. Because you might make the mistake of liking only the person you think she is.

 

Sparrow.

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I can only say from my own perspective, but I think lots of people are like this, I am only really shy with people I don't know. I'm perfectly sociable and outgoing with my friends. Once you have exchanged a few words with someone it becomes much easier, its just starting it off that is the hard part.

 

So, someone who is having these problems may not go after someone they like but if they really, really like the person they will usually get around to it, hopefully not too late. It always helps to have a few drinks first (only if you are old enough though )

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Lots of times I think a girl is out of my league

 

You shouldnt think like that. What exactly makes her out of your league? Are you saying she is so godlike that you arent worthy of her? Weird, I have never met a chick like that.

 

Now tell me, why are you "out of her league?"

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I actually bought the book to read just to see if I were doing any of those things and wasn't aware of it. I found that I actually was guilty of alot of the signs that show "I'm just not that in to her" with girls I WAS very into. So, I came to the conclusion that while some of it was accurate, like anything else, it isn't set in stone that everyone is going to act like that. Each person is different so, you have to take that into consideration.

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Now tell me, why are you "out of her league?"

 

well, thats not really what i mean, it's bad wording I guess, its like either she's already got a boyfriend or she's got completely different interests or basically, what I really mean is she is in a different league, neither higher nor lower. Like a 16 year old goth is in a different league but I don't want ot go out with her anyway.

 

I think I'm confusing myself now. Ok, there is not a girl I would like to go out with who I could not go out with if she was available and liked me.

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I mean, I don't think i would ask a girl out persay. I would say, "we should do something sometime" if she says yes then... get her number and give her a call later on. Simple as that.

 

ForAnother

 

Yes, that's pretty much how my past boyfriends approached things. You don't have to make a big production of it, like "Hey, will you go out on a date with me!" Of course, from a female's point of view, we appreciate a call after a day or two of giving our number out. I always directly correlate a guy's interest in me with how long he waits to call. And to be honest, if I'm not that into him, it's not going to matter to me how long he waits. So much for silly advice telling guys to "wait at least six days."

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One more thing, and this is to the poster who is telling the girl that is talking to him "don't try so hard." If someone said that to me, I would be really embarrassed. Especially at such a young age when we're fairly new to flirting and attracting the opposite sex. I think it would be nicer of you to maybe show a little more tact and refrain from such critical remarks. Saying something like that is probably going to make her feel even more insecure.

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Typically I don't consider it a chase. I consider it a "hey I have her number lemme see what she is doing." I typically don't set out for a night and be like "hey i am gonna try and get this girl." Its usually a group of us guys meeting up with another group of people, and if I take interest in a girl I talk to her wherever we go as a group. If she likes me and visa versa, then next time we see each other we have another convo... soon those convos become frequent and turn into whatever it is.

 

My dating experience has always been a random one, I never plan on looking for a girl. If one comes my way, then I have a convo to see if it is worth my try.

 

Don't get worked up about the whole thing, its silly how people are so concerned. I never really had a crush... I just don't see a purpose in it... your only slowly killing yourself. Don't aim for things your not willing to fight for.

 

ForAnother

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