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Thread: Need to vent re: cyber relationship

  1. #1
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    Need to vent re: cyber relationship

    Hello,

    Please pardon how lengthy this email is. I had a somewhat similar situation to Galaxy Girl's. I'm also married, 3 great kids, a great man for a husband. I am also told I look 10 yrs younger and told am attractive. I'm 48. My husband satisfies me sexually, and I'm at sort of a peak in my life in this regard (so, sex is cool!). Oh; 'scuse me.

    But, last May, I met someone on the net. This guy emailed me for business purposes only, at first.... He came on strong and also scared me a little. Something wasn't right. Anyway, we began to chat. But in a few weeks time, we began to fall into an infatuation, carrying on a friendship relationship daily chatting. He also literally drove me crazy, sexually. Though I tried, I could not control my feelings of infatuation.

    Mind you, I don't believe in cheating on my spouse for several reasons I'll not go into now. I think that it's partly that my husband and I were not totally fulfilling one another in various aspects. So, anyway...

    This man and I have a lot in common, as we both are musicians loving the same things, studies, instruments. We have strong chemistry and a strong intellectual affinity. I actually grew to, well, I think, fall deeply in love with him. He requited my feelings. We became good, close friends via internet. We spoke occasionally on the phone. I fantasized leaving and going to live with him. We talked it over and knew it wouldn't work. In a nutshell, we concluded the relationship--him saying "We'd remain fantastic friends and (he) would never forget or neglect me." Man, it was real as real can get. I still don't understand it to this day.

    On another hand, he can also be very manipulative, mean, sometimes cruel. Twice we have had disagreements; and, being that he also needs control, cut off our communication ranting that we aren't even compatible as friends. AFter the first "break-up" ;-), we began to recommunicate via internet, but then he cut it off *again* when I began to mention things about his life that I feel he doesn't want known (secrets--ooh ooh!). There are things about his life he doesn't want known, at least by me. I miss him and almost still feel much affection for him in an infatuatory (a word?) way. I still feel he's just a good friend, or even a brother such as in that type of closeness.

    Anyway, he's a big overweight guy, but very brilliant, mostly sensitive and very artistically talented. He seems out of touch with who he really is and is narcisistic. I had felt he was my soulmate for awhile.

    One catch is that he is into an African relgion. He is a highly promiscuous guy and sleeps with at least 6 women a year. He claims to want stability and monogamy, but doesn't seem to have a sense of other's feelings unless he only can benefit, being slightly narcisstistic. He's 15 yrs. my junior, but in ways more like a 55 yr old man.

    During our friendship, we've talked at length about personal issues, and we concluded he should find a young wife who can have his children. He is a pretty worldy guy; well-travleled; well-read, etc. He recently met a young sweet 20-yr.old gal on the internet with whom he is sleeping with now. I think he seems desperate for sex. This girl sounds somewhat naive, from a one-horse town. I've felt jealousy, but am also concerned for this girl because of the fact this guy sleeps with how many women and will take adavantage of the naivte of this young inexperienced lady. He doesn't practice the *voodoo* part of the religion, BTW. I think he just wants a "bang" partner, pardon the crudeness.

    Oh well. A vent. I will appreciate any of your thoughts. I still would like to stay in contact with him, as I'm somewhat attached. But his being one way one day, and another way another day is what's so strange.

    Too much said?

    Any help and thoughts appreciated. What do I do to keep a good friendship/attachment/platonic/somewhat attracted/whatever relationship going?

    Should I ask him that we should remain friends...again? I miss him a lot, whether romantic, or not.

    11flower

  2. #2
    Member evy38's Avatar
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    I had a friend who's online relationships ruined her marrige. They are no longer together. Just thought you may want to know. I'd stay away from this one. He's cruel and complicated. Why is there even a question on this one?

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    I wouldn't believe a thing this guy tells you. It's the freakin' internet fer christ's sake!!!! Don't let some guy worm his way into your marriage. You made a vow, right? How would you feel if your husband carried on like this? If you really enjoy this relationship you have with this guy, tell him that you want to be just friends, and write once a week. Meanwhile concern yourself with the problems with your husband that allowed that internet disease to fester.

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    HA! Thanks Salvador. You do have a point there and I can't deny you said it right.

    11flower

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    Hi Evy,

    It's because he just has this charisma that charmed me to no end. My husband and I's marriage had suffered a bit. It's something I can't answer, that is, as to the attachment I still feel, as if he is a good friend. But, you're right as to "there's no question". I still just don't get it. I don't completely understand it.

    11flower

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    Member kalshane's Avatar
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    Ted Bundy had a lot of charisma too.

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    No, this guy is a public person who is a professional musician. He's blind from birth and was a prodigy. He wouldn't risk his reputation in the regard you're talking about. He's just a little self-absorbed, such as so many are who have lived a celebratous life, if this makes sense. He's just lost in his world. He can be pretty nice too, and down to earth. I've gotten to know him enough. He just has issues he may never be able to deal with.
    He's not a murderer as in charisma la Ted Bundy. He is pretty weird at times. It's a manipulative and persuasive thing from a brilliantly developed intellect. He's all about himself, unfortunately..one of those neglected during growing up years guys who is a celebrity in somewhat a hollywood world, IMHO.

    11flower

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    Member evy38's Avatar
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    Hi Flower,
    You'll never see him, or this situtation, clearly as long as you are apologizing for this mans behavior. Why are you doing that? You should try to answer that question for yourself really, not me.

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    Hi Evy,

    I don't know, but that's a good question if that's what I'm doing.

    Hm. I recall what Galaxy Girl's experience with the guy up in Wisconsin is and how she couldn't get her mind off him with the strong desire to have him in her life. I haven't been able to answer questions as to the human soul and what the attachment is on my part. He really got under my skin. I don't write him any longer, visa versa. I just feel as if a bond had been created. We are and yet aren't on platonic friendly terms. He can be quite an ass, 'scuse me, as well as one pretty shallow sot.

    Oh well, I'll keep your question in mind. Hopefully this reflection will bring more answers so I can actually let the attachment go.

    Thank you,

    11flower

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    Kalshane,

    I reread your post. You asked, "How would you feel if your husband carried on like this?". Well, I don't discourage him having friends of the opposite sex. He works with women every day at his company, goes to lunch when necessary, and must run into some at one time or another who might be attractive to him. This is normal. People all have attractive qualities. This is God-given and cool with me. If he were to find he felt something for someone over the internet, he'd tell me, just as I kept as much as I could out in the open with him; he handled it very maturely. We'd talk about it. My husband felt it was something I needed to work through.

    And many people, during the course of their marriage at one time or another in individual lives, will go through different things like this. People change and thereforeeee marriages change. After years of marriage things do change, and so it's a matter of adjusting to it; and this is really difficult sometimes, esp. when you feel your needs are not being met, as I had felt.

    I hadn't looked to "carry on" with this man. I just simply found I really felt strongly for him as he has something I was missing. He helped me work my feelings out and even encouraged me to try to work it out with my husband, though all the while voicing that he felt the same strong desire and attraction for me. I found this a commendable action.

    As far as his sex life, I think he's just a horny young 32 yr. old.

    So, of course you are looking from the outside at this situation from what I have shared. I do appreciate your having taken time to reply, and you're not wrong in some of what you shared. Unless you've been through it, however, you really wouldn't know much more about these things.

    The reason I asked for advice is because I miss this man, regardless of how he has treated me. Both of us have acknowledged that we feel as close friends as *result* of our correspondence and experience. This is just one of those things that just happens that you don't plan for. I can let *it* go. It's just that I miss him, weird as the guy is.

    Thank you again,

    11flower

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