Jump to content

Need to vent re: cyber relationship


11flower

Recommended Posts

Hello,

 

Please pardon how lengthy this email is. I had a somewhat similar situation to Galaxy Girl's. I'm also married, 3 great kids, a great man for a husband. I am also told I look 10 yrs younger and told am attractive. I'm 48. My husband satisfies me sexually, and I'm at sort of a peak in my life in this regard (so, sex is cool!). Oh; 'scuse me.

 

But, last May, I met someone on the net. This guy emailed me for business purposes only, at first.... He came on strong and also scared me a little. Something wasn't right. Anyway, we began to chat. But in a few weeks time, we began to fall into an infatuation, carrying on a friendship relationship daily chatting. He also literally drove me crazy, sexually. Though I tried, I could not control my feelings of infatuation.

 

Mind you, I don't believe in cheating on my spouse for several reasons I'll not go into now. I think that it's partly that my husband and I were not totally fulfilling one another in various aspects. So, anyway...

 

This man and I have a lot in common, as we both are musicians loving the same things, studies, instruments. We have strong chemistry and a strong intellectual affinity. I actually grew to, well, I think, fall deeply in love with him. He requited my feelings. We became good, close friends via internet. We spoke occasionally on the phone. I fantasized leaving and going to live with him. We talked it over and knew it wouldn't work. In a nutshell, we concluded the relationship--him saying "We'd remain fantastic friends and (he) would never forget or neglect me." Man, it was real as real can get. I still don't understand it to this day.

 

On another hand, he can also be very manipulative, mean, sometimes cruel. Twice we have had disagreements; and, being that he also needs control, cut off our communication ranting that we aren't even compatible as friends. AFter the first "break-up" ;-), we began to recommunicate via internet, but then he cut it off *again* when I began to mention things about his life that I feel he doesn't want known (secrets--ooh ooh!). There are things about his life he doesn't want known, at least by me. I miss him and almost still feel much affection for him in an infatuatory (a word?) way. I still feel he's just a good friend, or even a brother such as in that type of closeness.

 

Anyway, he's a big overweight guy, but very brilliant, mostly sensitive and very artistically talented. He seems out of touch with who he really is and is narcisistic. I had felt he was my soulmate for awhile.

 

One catch is that he is into an African relgion. He is a highly promiscuous guy and sleeps with at least 6 women a year. He claims to want stability and monogamy, but doesn't seem to have a sense of other's feelings unless he only can benefit, being slightly narcisstistic. He's 15 yrs. my junior, but in ways more like a 55 yr old man.

 

During our friendship, we've talked at length about personal issues, and we concluded he should find a young wife who can have his children. He is a pretty worldy guy; well-travleled; well-read, etc. He recently met a young sweet 20-yr.old gal on the internet with whom he is sleeping with now. I think he seems desperate for sex. This girl sounds somewhat naive, from a one-horse town. I've felt jealousy, but am also concerned for this girl because of the fact this guy sleeps with how many women and will take adavantage of the naivte of this young inexperienced lady. He doesn't practice the *voodoo* part of the religion, BTW. I think he just wants a "bang" partner, pardon the crudeness.

 

Oh well. A vent. I will appreciate any of your thoughts. I still would like to stay in contact with him, as I'm somewhat attached. But his being one way one day, and another way another day is what's so strange.

 

Too much said?

 

Any help and thoughts appreciated. What do I do to keep a good friendship/attachment/platonic/somewhat attracted/whatever relationship going?

 

Should I ask him that we should remain friends...again? I miss him a lot, whether romantic, or not.

 

11flower

Link to comment

I wouldn't believe a thing this guy tells you. It's the freakin' internet fer christ's sake!!!! Don't let some guy worm his way into your marriage. You made a vow, right? How would you feel if your husband carried on like this? If you really enjoy this relationship you have with this guy, tell him that you want to be just friends, and write once a week. Meanwhile concern yourself with the problems with your husband that allowed that internet disease to fester.

Link to comment

Hi Evy,

 

It's because he just has this charisma that charmed me to no end. My husband and I's marriage had suffered a bit. It's something I can't answer, that is, as to the attachment I still feel, as if he is a good friend. But, you're right as to "there's no question". I still just don't get it. I don't completely understand it.

 

11flower

Link to comment

No, this guy is a public person who is a professional musician. He's blind from birth and was a prodigy. He wouldn't risk his reputation in the regard you're talking about. He's just a little self-absorbed, such as so many are who have lived a celebratous life, if this makes sense. He's just lost in his world. He can be pretty nice too, and down to earth. I've gotten to know him enough. He just has issues he may never be able to deal with.

He's not a murderer as in charisma la Ted Bundy. He is pretty weird at times. It's a manipulative and persuasive thing from a brilliantly developed intellect. He's all about himself, unfortunately..one of those neglected during growing up years guys who is a celebrity in somewhat a hollywood world, IMHO.

 

11flower

Link to comment

Hi Evy,

 

I don't know, but that's a good question if that's what I'm doing.

 

Hm. I recall what Galaxy Girl's experience with the guy up in Wisconsin is and how she couldn't get her mind off him with the strong desire to have him in her life. I haven't been able to answer questions as to the human soul and what the attachment is on my part. He really got under my skin. I don't write him any longer, visa versa. I just feel as if a bond had been created. We are and yet aren't on platonic friendly terms. He can be quite an ass, 'scuse me, as well as one pretty shallow sot.

 

Oh well, I'll keep your question in mind. Hopefully this reflection will bring more answers so I can actually let the attachment go.

 

Thank you,

 

11flower

Link to comment

Kalshane,

 

I reread your post. You asked, "How would you feel if your husband carried on like this?". Well, I don't discourage him having friends of the opposite sex. He works with women every day at his company, goes to lunch when necessary, and must run into some at one time or another who might be attractive to him. This is normal. People all have attractive qualities. This is God-given and cool with me. If he were to find he felt something for someone over the internet, he'd tell me, just as I kept as much as I could out in the open with him; he handled it very maturely. We'd talk about it. My husband felt it was something I needed to work through.

 

And many people, during the course of their marriage at one time or another in individual lives, will go through different things like this. People change and thereforeeee marriages change. After years of marriage things do change, and so it's a matter of adjusting to it; and this is really difficult sometimes, esp. when you feel your needs are not being met, as I had felt.

 

I hadn't looked to "carry on" with this man. I just simply found I really felt strongly for him as he has something I was missing. He helped me work my feelings out and even encouraged me to try to work it out with my husband, though all the while voicing that he felt the same strong desire and attraction for me. I found this a commendable action.

 

As far as his sex life, I think he's just a horny young 32 yr. old.

 

So, of course you are looking from the outside at this situation from what I have shared. I do appreciate your having taken time to reply, and you're not wrong in some of what you shared. Unless you've been through it, however, you really wouldn't know much more about these things.

 

The reason I asked for advice is because I miss this man, regardless of how he has treated me. Both of us have acknowledged that we feel as close friends as *result* of our correspondence and experience. This is just one of those things that just happens that you don't plan for. I can let *it* go. It's just that I miss him, weird as the guy is.

 

Thank you again,

 

11flower

Link to comment

ok, its not platonic at all. If you have any romantic or sexual feelings towards this person, that defies the definition of platonic. You are lying to yourself and trying to excuse it away by calling it that. I personally think that you are cheating, if not physically, then emotionally. Its so funny that I can say this so bluntly when I'm dealing with my gf possibly cheating on me right now. Its like the blinders come off or something.

Sure you share something in common with this guy but doesnt your husband deserve that attention as well? Maybe you should try to bring him into your world, rather than seek someone that is already there. Share your interests with your husband, and if you've already tried that, then ask him about his. I'm sure there is something that he loves that you don't give a crap about...maybe thats all the attention he needs. Usually us guys just want to feel like we are understood, or that which we take pride in counts for something. If your husband feels that way, sees you taking interest in his hobbies or whatever, maybe he will be that much more keen on yours. To sum it all up, it seems that you are wasting your emotional energy on someone else by worrying and pining for "friendship". Its a passion you are feeling...leave it alone and work on what you've got. Its not bad to spend time with other people but when there is romantic infatuation it takes away from what you already have going... apparently a good thing. -Marcus

Link to comment

Just looking at your message;

 

I know it's slightly tempting... But I can't believe you'd even consider this...

 

Personally, by having this relationship, I believe you've already committed an absolute, dishonest act towards your 'great' husband, and kids.

 

In these situations, I think people should take a big step back, take a deep breath, and just look;

 

Your family.... Your 'great' kids and husband.

 

Or some overweight guy who really sounds like he just wants a F*** buddy.

 

I know you'll do what's right and just in the end...

 

Ben.

 

XxX xXx

Link to comment

Hey HD, and Strider,

 

Both interesting responses. Strider, I appreciate your intelligence and having thought it through. HaloDestroyer, it sounds good, your judgement that is, from what perspective you have on it. Please keep in mind, both of you, that hard as I tried at first, I could not control my feelings. I tried and tried and reasoned and cried. If you were to go through it, you'd understand....

 

The next thing I'd like you to keep in mind is that I was totally open and honest with my husband about everything I was feeling and the nature of my chats with this man. He sees it as something I had to work through as part of where I'm at in my life.

 

You see, it could come down one day that both of you may experience something similar. When you have been married 18 years and your relationship is suffering, just as mine has been and still is, it's easy for these things to happen. "I can't believe you'd even consider this..." is well put. You know what? Neither could I! Really! This was at first shocking to me, just as your statement put it, HD. Interesting that I'd have been the last person in my mind to have had this happen. I didn't look for it, it came at me like a charging bull. I wasn't out looking for another man. This just out of the blue happened. I am still not looking for anyone else. I agree with the ideals both you have.

But think, try to control something that happens to you when you're weak; try to control feelings and desires when you have needs that aren't being met. Ever try; ever felt needs that just ached and weren't filled? You RUN away from it. I tried to and did. But it snuck up, and then it overwhelmed me. And it was too late. So, weakness happens and human-ness happens. But I think you will learn more as you live longer, as I have than both of you.

 

Strider, yes, I do care about my husbands interests and have been unfailingly supportive of them, and will always, as he does my own. He isn't and hasn't always been the greatest. He hasn't always met my needs and I stayed through it. This is part of marriage and part of life. I did. I got tired. Neither of us is perfect.

 

Have you ever gotten tired and weak from being tired?

 

If either of you ever have to go through it, you may look back and understand. I don't wish this on you. But if you do, you may not be so harsh as to some your responses.

 

Overall, thank you for taking time to read my story. It isn't complete, you know. But I appreciate your thoughts and feedback. I think both of you ideally are on the right track. I hope neither of you will ever have to go through something like this which compromises your conscience and moral convictions. All power to you.

 

Take care,

Flower

Link to comment

11 Flower,

 

Thanks for the response. I was growing curious about how you received our responses.

 

I really hope that this never happens to me also, but I must say that since I've been cheated on...about a week ago, at the moment I'm pretty sure that it won't. Also, I remember you saying something about the relationship being platonic. I didn't intend to sound harsh in my response but if you actually did say it was platonic, I was just trying to get you to recognize it for what it is: a romantic attraction to someone else other than your husband. Its not bad to be attracted to someone else, but it is your responsibility to make a choice and distance yourself from that person in whatever way it takes to save your marriage. I don't know what struggles you have had in your marriage, but I'm sure that you would appreciate it if your husband did the same thing when that flirty young thing at the office takes an interest in him (again, I don't know if that situation may have already happened). Still, you would want him to gracefully decline her advances, right?

 

It's really good that he is allowing you to deal with it alone though, rather than trying to force you to pay attention to him. If someone did that to me, that would actually push me away I think.

 

I lost my focus on this post...if you get anything out if it, great. I can't remember what I was trying to say. I started to write the above paragraphs last night but my friend came over and we went out haha. I left it up on my screen without finishing the thought. Many apologies...

Link to comment

Frankly, it doesn't matter too much what you are saying, as it's obvious to me you are missing many relevant points to my story. My husband has already incurred gestures from other females. I hope he will do the same as I have done, to tell him. He is truthworthy.

 

Attractions happen. You and the other young man have not been married or have been through the changes you might eventually go through.

 

You probably came here to vent your own frustrations as well. Maybe this is the wrong forum for you.

Link to comment

Evy said I could vent all I want and you all would listen. Thanks Evy. I have to get more off my chest.

 

I miss that sucker! I miss that guy who was a friend. He probably has a girlfriend by now; that's fine; it doesn't matter.

 

I just want to be friends, because of the bond I have, because of the connection I have on different levels with this man. I enjoyed so much interesting conversation and mutual affection, even though he was mean. He also said I hurt him, which I still don't get yet, because I hadn't meant to in our conversations.

 

Someday, I'm gonna meet this man. My husband and I both have talked via email with this man when he wrote asking for advice. So, my husband is *not* unfamiliar with this man. And, I told my husband he could and even should come along . No problem. I'm just curious to meet this strange fellow.

 

He is a professional musician. I'm sure one day we will meet him, if not see him playing somewhere. Who knows the future?

 

I miss my friend... Maybe I'm nuts, but I still miss him.

 

11Flower

Link to comment

Flower,

 

I apologize for interjecting my opinion. But I must address this...

 

Frankly, it doesn't matter too much what you are saying, as it's obvious to me you are missing many relevant points to my story.

 

I am not incompetent as this implies. I was simply offering my opinion on how you said that this person drove you crazy "sexually" and then did a 180 and called it "platonic". That struck me as odd. You are correct in that I've never been married so maybe platonic means something else in those circles (bitter sarcasm). You've since mentioned the spiritual connection that qualifies as "platonic" but I was hung up on your earlier description of the relationship. How was I supposed to discern which was more accurate? I picked one...the wrong one.

 

I thought maybe you were flip-flopping in your statements that way because it hadn't been pointed out to you (you know, how love & attraction come packaged with a free pair of blinders)? I threw it out on a whim, but I acknowledge that you weren't asking for my help. Again, many apologies. Too often I try to help when all the person wants is someone to listen.

 

Please don't tell me what I am missing. I almost perceive that as a personal attack on my intelligence. I posted what I did for the above reasons, not because of a lack of understanding. I hope you can see where my confusion arose.

 

I wish you well in understanding yourself and your direction at this crossroads. Perhaps I'll encounter it someday, perhaps not. I'll check the posts to see how it plays out (might come in handy in my future) but rest assured you won't be hearing my "opinion" anymore.

 

-Marcus (striderhiryu81)

Link to comment

Marcus,

 

I appreciate your response. I stated clearly in an earlier post as to your intelligence. There's no doubt there. I thought you were missing some important points I'd made. Nevermind. I thought you came to this forum to also vent something...also, and I don't know...did this trigger something in you? Actually, I don't need to know.

 

Moving on, I accept your apology and well wishes.

 

I've no doubt you will be very successful in your life.

 

11Flower

Link to comment

Ok, so now that we're all clear that I'm a buffoon for not reading the "SUBJECT", line of the forum...

 

I can listen now. Its just hard to listen and not respond especially in this manner (online). There aren't any ways to show that you understand and are listening without giving some form of feedback. In a physical setting that would be a hand on the shoulder or a nod of agreement or a relation of a similar story of your own. I'll pay better attention and try not to offer my "fix" for a situation that isn't broken.

 

Just to let you know flower, if you need to vent,

 

I'm listening

Link to comment

Hi there Marcus, and Everyone,

 

Warning: Looong post!

 

Thanks again for being supportive. Marcus no need, you're not a buffoon.

 

Here's more venting, the way it should be:

 

I finally told this guy off yesterday and I feel so GOOD about it. I hadn't emphasized his abusiveness at times. He's also manipulated many times. I thought we were friends, but since I tell him truths he doesn't want to hear, he no longer wants to be friends. I thought I'd fallen in love with this nerd for a time when it was just my needs speaking due to struggles in my marriage.

 

This guy is a spoiled, terrified, imbalanced man who is a con who loves to prey on people in order to get his way in the even it suits him or meets only his needs. He has acted very lame, can't see what he truly is, and still doesn't get the truth about himself.

 

I encouraged him to get a girlfriend, and he has done this. He's 32 y.o overweight, oversexed bald guy who is predatoring a 20 yr old naive girl who is still figuring out what she wants in life. The girl is from a small town and wanted to escape and was fascinated by this guy, just as I was initially. This guy is well educated, well traveled, and highly accomplished as a musician and several subjects. His ex-wife is 6 yrs. older, and he had 2 affairs on her when married and blames his wife for this. (He is a divorcee of I think 1 1/2 yrs). When not with a steady, he sleeps with at least, I think it's, 10 or more girls a year. It's a wonder he hasn't gotten AIDS or something like that.

 

I've wasted my time with such a nerd, and I was blinded by a blind man. (He is also blind) He is persuasive, charming and that, but he demonstrates hatred and vehemence when angered. He is terribly socially lacking. I pray for this young girl when she sees what he's truly like, that he won't be verbally abusive to her.

 

I am no longer writing or any sort of communication with this con.

 

The girl's name is Kacie. Please keep her in mind and/or prayers if you will. Pray for the guy. I won't reveal his name, but it starts with O.

 

Thanks for listening all. You're all great. There may be more venting about this idiot.

11Flower

Link to comment
  • 3 weeks later...

Okay, this is an update.

 

It turns out that this person and I are not even friends any longer..

 

We are not involved romantically, actually never were. He somewhat became a friend. But both of us have spoken recently and decided we are just incompatible, which we are in ways. Oh well. At least he is a resource for me in some of my musical endeavors and other questions I have about his religion. I still find this person a fascinating person. He is very mean at times, so I will not maintain anything on a personal level, rather a professional level. This works. I've had time to think a lot about everything gone down with this guy, and I was also pretty selfish at times in our email exchange.

 

I have mentioned everything to my husband and we are working on our relationship.

 

I'm glad that there is more peace now. I think with regard to this fellow, things are gonna be alright. At least I can query his brilliant brain about the things I'm interested in.

 

My husband is also brilliant, but he loves me, and is much kinder than this fellow. All's well.

Ups and downs and strange things in life just happen.

 

Thanks again.

 

Lanie

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...