My girlfriend had sex with another guy, What do I do?

Okay, I am a sophomore in college. I've been dating my girlfriend for about a year. Shes still a seniore in HS. Anyway, Im a typical college student, I usually drink once a weekend. But I am smart enough to never get with another girl or even think about because I love her and have planned on marrying her. Anyway, she goes on a recruit trip to University of Michigan this past weekend, and gets completely plastered at a frat and wakes up with her pants off. Come to find out later, she had sex with another man. She doesnt remember anything, couldve been awake, couldve been passed out and raped? My guess is a guy wouldnt say he'd done it if it was rape, so even though she was drunk she may have consented, she has no idea. I love her and want to forgive, it still hurts to think of her with another man though. I want to stay with her and forget it, what should I do?

I had an x girlfriend this happened to. I have always hated Frats because of how they treat people. I started a fight one night when I was drinking with the entire frat house. My friends had to drag me down the lawn and explain that it was not 4 on 1 but 30 on 1. I can't do math in the first place, so being drunk didn't help.

Anyway...I look at it like...this is just a visit? what will happen when she goes there? I would report the incident, because this happens way too much. It is a good possiblity that she did not consent to it. Either way...if she can't control her liquor then she should not be out drinking like that. I'm not the forgiving type, so I would just get rid of her. It is your choice though...maybe you need to talk to her more about it. Maybe even test her by telling her you called the police and they will be coming to take a statement...you can't lie in statements, else it is an offense. So you may scare her into a confession to better help make decisions. I used to do stuff like this..not the same reasons, but I usually persuade them to tell the truth.

Good Luck

DBL

Well, at least in America, legally a person cannot consent to sex when he or she is drunk. We actually had a speaker at my university come talk to us about this case where a girl got drunk at a party and had what seemed like consensual sex with this guy. But she didn't remember anything in the morning. He was convicted of raping her after she filed charges.

Now, you can argue the fairness of that, and while I think it's a case by case thing, if she really doesn't remember, she could get the guy in some serious trouble. Honestly, when it comes to sex, I don't believe you can get so drunk that you don't know what you're doing (while you're awake) - but I'm not a lawyer either.

Yeah, well only she can charge him. But I still say she knew enough to not cheat on someone she really loves. I don't know what to do. I'm torn. I love her to death and know she loves me, but this just hurts so bad.

I know you love her very much, but if she does that to you, I really think you should dump her. Thats really wrong of her to treat you like that.

As for the rape law, it is usually rape if you have sex with someone who is drunk if they are so drunk they don't have sufficient mens rea (free will) to know what they are doing. Its rape, unless the accused took all reasonable steps to make sure the "victim" was consenting.

Dude, you need to find out the truth...try scaring her into the truth. I been to Frat parties and I know what they are like. It is very possible it was not consented. You play you pay.

For all you know they could of drop some e in her drink. I have been drunk enough not to remember what happen. I lasted at that part less then an hour. Drank a 1.6 of southern comfort, vodka and coke, and smoked me a blunt. I was out for the count. Only thing I remembered in the morning was where I hid my 5th of southern comfort. However I did holes in the wall and broken furniture...so i'm sure I did some dumb things.

DBL

Yup, they raped her.

You should really talk to your girlfriend and tell her to stay away from the frat houses.

This frat house on my campus rounded up an entire sorority's initiation group, made them drink up all the alchohol in the house before they can leave as part of the initiaion, and proceeded to have sex with all of them. Do any of those girls have boyfriends? Really, who cares. According to the guys, all the girls enjoyed the night.

... not legal right? They never got prosecuted. The girls were all too embarrassed to report them.

When I heard about that... -_- well, let's just say, I never bothered to apply for a sorority and when i know a guy's in a fraternity I stay 3 feet away from him at all times.

Whether your girlfriend consented to sex that night or not may not have made a difference. I think they'd rape her all the same.

You seriously need to tell her to stay away from fraternities though. If those guys succeed once, they'll think the girls are easy, and they'll try again.

Gosh, make her go to your school or something.

... I wonder if this will be a good chance to sue the school... *hmm* It's their responsibility to make sure student groups do not engage in illegal activities I think...

This is a perilous post and I'm sorry for the incident. I want to caveat that if you know her and she's not the reckless type, it really may be a criminal situation. Technically, it may be criminal no matter how reckless she is.

The facts lend themselves to lots of conclusions, some favor her character and some do not.

This board has a large number of posts that deal with young people transitioning relationships from HS to college and beyond, and the one common theme that can be drawn, I feel, is that young people in college should avoid serious relationships because it is very, very easy for people's worst traits to come out. College is such a trial by fire where young men are encouraged to exercise their manly tendencies and young women are encouraged to be bold, sexy, free, etc..

The short answer, inho, would be perhaps she didn't plan what happened (or planned something less severe), but a good woman who has some foresight and maturity knows her alchohol limits and doesn't push them. While you don't yell at the burglary victim for leaving their house unlocked, it is still clear that they should learn to lock the house. Young women are very often at stage where they enjoy, often require, the attention they get for being young women, and this will encourage them to get a little wacky, a little drunk, etc.

This view also skips any consent issues. Only you know your g/f very well and whether she's likely to conveniently remember things a particular way (most people here have done something really stupid when drunk -- boys just have it easier I think on that front).

It's a bad situation no matter what. I understand why you would be disappointed in her if it's mostly that she just got really drunk and this happened -- no matter what, when she goes to college you'll always know that she is not as careful as she could be. And if she doesn't care to be careful, then you kind of have your answer.

Okay, well she sent me some long emails this morning. She tried to explain she never meant to be in that spot, and how sorry she is and how she would do anything for me not to leave her. She said that she had no idea they were goin to a frat party before she started drinking and wouldnt have gone or just not drank if she had known. I had always told her never go to frats and if you do you better not drink because this is the stuff that happens. It is her fault to dance with a bunch of other guys, dont know if the sex is. But if you get that drunk where you don't remember and you had sex to cheat on your boyfriend...I dont know really stuck on what to decide here still

I would not like to be in your shoes. I'm the type of guy that don't like other guys touching my girl. If she was dropped a "mickey" that is one thing. I personally would be at the frat house taking care of business. In fact I may even go with you if it is located in South Florida. I hate them Frat people...I'm all up for that kind of thing. She better hope she doesn't end up on the internet as well.

Just wanted to add: she may want to get checked for STD's as well.

DBL

She sounds sorry. Look into what you know about her to decide if it was basically something that merely happened to her or something she let happen.

Personally, I would break up with her. Young girls are famous for being "confused" when things like this happen. It doesn't have to be nasty or dramatic, I just don't know that she's ready for a relationship.

Is this the first time anything like this has happened?

Yeah, this is the first time this has happened. So I'm not sure how to react to the whole situation.

You're in College Park, right? There's tons of ways to react, with all the people to hang out with.

Seriously, I would just take a step back, figure out if the way she tells it is right, decide whether that's okay by you (it wouldn't for me -- her story is basically every ONS I ever heard about) then act accordingly.

I promise you though that unless your girl is exceptional, and she may be, this is going to happen again, and worse, things you won't ever hear about will happen.

I have to agree with Cecelius and DBL on this one. Women know what happens in frat houses these days, all they have to do is watch Animal House or Old School. That honestly sums up frats. Back in the day, they used to stand for something besides drinking and putting out Girls Gone Wild videos, but today, they are really just party crews and everybody knows it.

You really have to look at the facts here. She consciously went over to a frat house, and slept with another guy. Do you honestly want to take the chance that something like that could happen again?

On the other hand, she did confess to you about it, when she didnt have to say anything and she was apologetic.

I personally believe that people who use alcohol as an excuse to justify their actions is ridiculous. One of my favorite sayings is "In Vino Veritas" its Latin, and it means "In Wine there is Truth"

Personally, I would move on. But if you do decide to stay with her, make sure she gets tested before you sleep with her again.

I'm not usually one for metaphor, but if you really want to drive the point home with her, do what Iceman says. Tell her you still care for her but her actions are pretty immature and really disappointing, but that no matter what you don't want to have any physical contact until you know she's clean (HIV/AIDS, HPV, etc.)

She will be mortified.

Ice brings up a good point. Did she just come out and tell you this? How did you find out she slept with some dude at a Frat house?

Here is a trick question...Ask her if they used protection. If she can answer this then she is lying to you. I would still make her go to the police and report it before it happens to another unexpecting girl.

DBL

she found out from a girl she was staying with who talked to the guy, he said he did use protection. Im thinking about driving the 8 hours up there this weekend and kicking some ass...anyway yeah, she apparentley didnt know, but i agree, alcohol is the biggest truth syrup, so I dont know

I don't know if you answered this before, but how did you find out? She just came out and told you? I do find it odd that this guy admitted all this to her friend about the condom. I don't know...seems fishy to me, i'm not there asking the questions though. Tough Call like that.

I agree...I would do the 8 hours as well, I would take her up there with me too. I just like to see the looks on peoples faces when it all goes down.

If you go good luck. if it is in South Florida...I'll go, i'm bored as hell down here. I could use some fun

DBL

As much as I hate to say it man, you dont know this guy's side of the story. However unlikely, it could have been consensual for all you know.......you weren't there to see any of this happen.

Also, if you drive up there and confront him, chances are he is going to have 30 of his friends with him. If that happened to me I would want to drive up there and be fists of fury too, but remember you werent there to see what actually went on. You only know what you have been told.

I wouldn't bother, frankly, unless you decide that all your girl did was err on the side of drinking too much and that she's young and naive enough for it to be believeable. Its very fact dependant, but she may have been drinking with a bunch of gals, got hammered then the guy moved in for the kill. You still have to pay attention to the fact that apparently she didn't (or couldn't) let him know she had a b/f.

Nevertheless, only very young girls or shady girls go to frat parties, get liquored up beyond control, don't have a girl-buddy watching out for them, etc.

Either yours is a shady girl (which tells you what you should do) or she's young (which means she has a few years of growing up to do, and do you want to be worried about what she's up to while she's doing it). Either way, take it lightly.

I doubt the frat guy would have stopped even if he had known she had a boyfriend. Those guys are just squirrels looking for a nut.

I agree with Cecelius, she knew what she was getting into, her friends didnt look out for her, she is young and apparently has poor judgement, and my advice is to move on to a girl that respects you enough to not put herself in that kind of situation.