Mother and Daughter

Hello

Here goes,....lately my mother and I have been exploding at each other. I'm going to be 30 soon and she's 65. She's really my grandmother, but when my biological mother disappeared, she stepped up to the plate to care for me. So I call her my mother, because I feel as though she's been more of a mother to me instead of a grandmother. I'm going through a transitional phase, where I'm becoming more of a woman and I have a lot more responsibility and things going on in my life.

For a little background into our relationship: When I was growing up, my mother was an alcoholic. She started drinking heavily when I made 11 and her drinking got worst as I got older and started highschool. She also had a lot of boyfriends over the years. ALL of them were abusive drinkers. They didn't work and she would move these men into the house shortly after meeting them. A lot of times, I would try to defend her when she was being physically abused, but I ended up being abused by the men as well.

I felt as though I had to be the mature person in the house, even though my mother made sure I had food and a roof over my head. It was scary coming home to a drunk mother and her new boyfriend of the year or 6 month span. When I was in highschool, I felt as though she was physically there, but mentally; her mind was else where. She was usually fixated on getting a bottle for the night or night cap as she use to call it. She would recapture relationships with past abusive boyfriends and place their needs above mines. I don't remember having much of a relationship with my mother during highschool. I just remember wanting her to be happy with me even though I wasn't the best student. I wanted to make her happy by graduating.

So I finished highschool and went to college. She didn't seem very happy for me. She started dating a new man and they would drink every night habitually. She married him within 3 months of meeting him and moved him into the house. He turned out to be mentally and physically abusive. One night during one of their drunken episodes, I caught him choking her. I tried to get him off of her with a broom and he grabbed me and choked me. I was so use to it, that I didn't cry.....I just went back to bed. The next week, she asked me to move. She said that I was interferring with her marriage and that they both felt they would be happier if I wasn't around.

In a way, I felt relieved to get out of her house, but I was hurt because I was doing what I felt good daughters should be doing. I was going to school, working and handling my responsibilities as best as I could at the age of 18. So I packed my things in a garbage bag and took a commuter train to my aunts house at 12 in the morning. The marriage to her husband turned into a unbelievable disaster. And she had to come and stay with me for a year. I opened my arms to her, but I was also angry that I had to rescue her after she sorta disowned me over nothing men time and time again.

So now I'm 30 and I still feel a lot of hurt from the past because I guess I'm looking for an apology. I want her to admit that she made mistakes and I most of all want her to get help. I want her to understand how her drinking made me feel. I want her to understand how I felt when she would move strange men into the house. I want her to understand how I felt when she was disgusted with me, yet happy with the alcoholic men in her life.

She no longer drinks (thank God for this) But we are having a difficult time repairing our relationship. I'm having a difficult time being forgiving because I still see the same weakness in her. I want to move on with my life even if it means being far away from her. But I do not want to abandon her the way my biological mother did. I need some advice, Thanks India

I am sorry, but I m little comfused about the story, are you mad at your mom for drinking or is that actually your grandma?

If it is your grandmother, may be she is getting to the point where she needs some privacy.

You realize that you can't control other people, only yourself. As long as you are happy, then she is allowed to have her own life and let her chips fall where they may.