Reuniting my daughter with her dad-causing big problems HELP

I have recently reunited my 6 yr old daughter with her bio dad after almost 1 1/2 yrs. My current partner is furious because my ex was abusive with me years ago, and my bf also has strong maternal feelings for my daughter. I understand he is probably insecure with the whole situation, but there was never an abusive situation with my daughter and her biodad. When we first met I said there would me no contact with my ex or his family. Now I have changed my opinion about all that. My daughter and I visit monthly or even more to see her extended family. My bf is not agreeable. He feels they are not going to benefit us at all - just bring our life down. I also still have unresolved feelings for her biodad. We were together 8 yrs, and due to his past drinking prob he became abusive. That is another fear my bf has, my ex's temper - which was always triggered by alcohol intake. He is straightening out his life now, and doing very well as far as I know. I have been speaking with him for months behind my bf's back. I cant tell my bf, but I just feel such a need to speak to my ex. Its such a different feeling when you share so many years and a child together. I just cant let go. I am so confused.

Now my daughter wants to see her dad all the time. I want this to, but it is causing so much friction. I feel caught in the middle. What my bf doesn't understand is the more pressure he puts on me, the more desire I have to flee back to my old life. My life is so much healthier now I live in a happy household FINALLY! It makes no sense, I really have everything I ever wished for!? But still I always seem to fall back to my ex, as horrible as he once was.

Do I continue to let the visits with my ex and my daughter happen although my current bf is angry?? My daughter wants to be with her father, she was so happy to see him again. I still love him, but I am afraid of losing my current bf as well. I feel like I am spinning....what do I do???

If your daughters father is good to her and there is no possible danger then I think you should let the visits continue. You've said she wants the visits, so let her reaction be your guide.

Technically, your current bf has no say in the matter. This is something that needs to be resolved between the parents. If anything he should be encouraging the relationship because it should be whats in the best interest of the child. That doesn't mean your boyfriend can't still have a close relationship with your daughter.

I'd have to agree with avman. If your daughter is happy to be with her father, that's all that matters. No matter what your current boyfriend may think or say about the situation, its no reason to deprive her of a father. My parents got divorced when I was 10 and I havent seen or talked to my Dad since then...trust me, life is alot harder without your biological father. You just feel empty and alone inside, as if a part of you will always be missing. Don't let that happen to your daughter. And if he's changing like you said he was, then I dont see what your boyfriends issue is. It'd be a different story if he was still abusive. Hope this helps!

JyNx

At the same time, there is some other stuff going on here. Your boyfriend genuinely loves your daughter, and naturally he's concerned because you told him about all the past abuse towards you. It's very natural for men to be protective of the ones they love.

Plus, you say you're talking with your ex behind your boyfriend's back. About what? Just your daughter? Or reconciliation? I'm sure your boyfriend is no fool and is picking up on some vibes here. You say that you are tempted to go back to your old life. It's very important you understand why. Are you bored? Do you feel like your relationship with your boyfriend has stagnated in some area?

The reason I ask, is because I think part of your problem is that your boyfriend senses there is more to this than just letting your ex see your daughter. He senses there is something else going on. If you could resolve those feelings you're having towards your ex, I have a feeling your boyfriend would be more comfortable with the idea of your daughter seeing her biological father.