how do I politely keep my parents off my back?

I am dealing with a problem, that is growing, and I'm not sure the best way to handle it.

I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 years. We're still relatively young, and he's adimately not ready for marriage. I am. He says he will in the future, but has some hurdles he wants to jump over first. Ok, we've been duking it out. Not sure what I'm going to do about this, but right now we're trying to iron it out.

I am at my witts end though, with my parents. I'm an only child, only daughter. They used to love my boyfriend. Saw me marrying him. (since I did as well) Saw me very happy. In the past year, my boyfriend and I have had some rocky points. we broke up for a few weeks, ended up getting separate places (we lived together) and then patched it up. Things are very good, but the marriage factor is still an issue.

Of course when we broke up I was extrememly upset, and made the mistake of crying to my parents. I regret that now, since they have seen us get back together, and now are livid that my guy is stalling on marriage. They think that he's ultimately not going to commit, and hurt me in the end, and I will have invested all this time in him. Fair, but that's my call -not theirs. Small detail -my bf has a son, who I have spent a lot of time with. my bf had him at ayoung age, it has been a lot of responsiblility -so I think that is one of the reasons he's afraid to get married right now.

So now my parents who used to love this guy are now talking s*** about him -that I need to make a decision. My father had the nerve to tell me that we have to sit down and discuss it next time I see them. (they live far away) Are you kidding me? My mom is really upset that I'm spending time with his son, but my bf is not making me part of his family.

My guy is not a bad guy -a great guy, in fact. And we do have things to iron out regarding marriage. but like I said, that's for me to figure out. I of course am not going to blindly do what my parents say, I'm an adult. But it really tears me apart to see them change their opinion on my bf. I love him, and I love them. They have always given me great advice, and are only looking out for me. and it's tough, since although my bf knows how they feel, he has become irritated by it. So I have decided not to bring up this pressure and these conversations to him. what's the point? but it eats at me.

so my question is, what would be the best approach to tell my parents to back off. I've tried the defiant thing, and that doesn't work. I don't want to create animousity, when I have my own issues to deal with in my relationship. honestly, I have a lot on my plate right now to figure out -and them talking in my ear is NOT helping. It's making things worse. I need to constructively tell them to leave me alone.

Hi d346

I'm not sure exactly what your bf's issues are with marriage, but obviously you are both busy working on those between you and you seem happy enough to continue working on what you consider to be your rocky patches.

I don't think it was a 'mistake' to cry to your parents, even though with hindsight you feel it has made matters worse for you. Your parents love you and want what's best for you and want to help you. Sometimes, even with the best will in the world, that crosses over the line into interference. With age and experience (usually!) comes a bit of wisdom and I'm sure they feel that they will pick up on things that you cannot see from within the relationship.

You are right that it is -your- call though. I know your father's 'demand' that you sit down to discuss it with them has got your back up, but I actually think that it's a good idea. Just because he may have gone about it the wrong way, doesn't mean that a talk with them won't be productive.

I think that you can grit your teeth and go over your feelings for you bf with them, and gently explain to them that you realise they are doing this out of love for you, and that you appreciate it, but that you are an adult and if you are going to make mistakes in your life, they have to be your -own- mistakes, not theirs. You can let them know that you're a little hurt by their not trusting -your- judgement in him as a person, after all, you love -them- so you can't be such a bad judge of character

You've acknowledged that they've always given you good advice in the past, and it mightn't do any harm to remind them of that and thank them for it too. You can tell them that you don't want to fall out with them over this either, but that you feel their animosity towards him is adversely affecting the relationship as well.

I would just respectfully let them know -honestly- how you feel and ask them to try and bite their tongues a little and give you the space you need to work on the relationship in your own way.

Hope it all goes ok for you.

Thanks, sounds like good advice. I will be seeing them next week since they're stopping in town on their way somewhere. We're meeting up for dinner. I guess I'll be gritting my teeth and asking for their patience rather than getting defiant on them.

It just sucks, since they used to want to see my bf too. Now they have no interest.

I think most of my stress about marriage has been put in place by them. They have seemed to put this time bomb under my seat, and I'm not sure why. Like I'm super old, and I better get married now, or else I'll be alone forever, or will never be able to have children when I finally do settle down. This should NOT rule my decisions -but it has definitely caused me tremendous stress!