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Thread: My boyfriend raped me and it took me a month to realize it

  1. #1
    meesha87
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    My boyfriend raped me and it took me a month to realize it

    My boyfriend and I had been talking about having sex for a long time while we were dating...He and I dated between March and July...Well in June my mother and 2 sisters went to California to visit my aunt and my dad worked during the night...Well my boyfriend and I had decided that he would sneak over and we'd see what would happen when he got to my house...

    Well when he got to my house he was the same normal guy that I loved and trusted so much...Until we were laying on my bed...He asked if I wanted to have sex with him like a gentleman should...Well when we had talked about having sex on the phone he and I decided that if it started to hurt that I would tell him and he'd stop...

    When he started to put it in me it started to hurt...I thought it was natural so I didn't say anything about it...Well as he kept going it started to hurt more and more and he kept pushing harder and harder...I told him to stop and couple of times, but he didn't...That was the part I was confused on...I just thought nothing of it afterwards...because I didn't try pushing him off or anything...Well I talked to my friends about it and they brought it to my attention that yes he did indeed rape me...

    Well my question for all of you is should I still love him or should I hate him? In the beginning I hated him so much, but he and I talked afterwards and we broke up...Soon after that he sent me cute emails saying how much he loved me and wanted me back...I think I still love him, but I need more opinions...Should I take him back?

  2. #2
    i_hate_the_world47
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    Wow,let me start by saying im incredibly sorry for your situation Your b/f was wrong for not stopping when you asked him.Though,i dont know if it would be considered rape.Anyway,i myself would be mad at him if i were you.I would still love him of course,but i dont think i would take him back.There is no telling whether he he could do it again.My suiggestion,lose him.He is nothing but trouble.Good luck.

    ~Meagan~

  3. #3
    ~Tinkerbell~
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    I didn't try pushing him off or anything
    That one sentence stands out above everything else you wrote. I'm going to disagree with your friends and say that I really don't think you should go so far as to consider it rape, had you have been firm with me and tried to push him off and he STILL persisted, THEN you could call that rape. Trust me, when you're being raped it'll occur to right then and there, not a few weeks later. It's actually pretty common for a woman to tell a man to stop without even realising it during intercourse, because she doesn't realise what she's saying and she's overcome with pleasure. Also, he was probably so occupied with what he was doing that he didn't even HEAR you say stop, or if he did he didn't think you meant it, and since you gave him no signs that you did, it's only natural for him to have continued.
    If this is the only reason you guys broke up then I think you should consider getting back together with him.
    ~Tink
    xxx

  4. #4
    Vert
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    I agree with Tinkerbell. It seems more like an episode of bad sex without proper technique or lubrication (you were scared and thus not producing the necessary natural lubricant for sex). Now, if you would have been hitting him and screaming for him to get off you and he kept going -- that's rape. What you have described is not rape. It's hard to discern nowadays because you can say yes....yes....yes...yes... NO! and then it becomes rape suddenly. You could be literally having sex consentually and then scream "NO!" when you realize you don't want it anymore.

  5. #5
    Derek123
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    I believe its normal for it to hurt during the fist few times a girl has sex or after not having sex for a long time

    He should have stopped but I wouldnt consider it rape he might have been too into it to gather the will power to stop.

    It was wrong but I thinks both of you should get back together. As one of the other members said if you tried to physically get off him and he kept going it would have been rape.

    If you still love him get back together with him.

  6. #6
    the_tiger_striped_cat
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    I have to agree with some of the others. You don't "realize" that you've been raped, unless you don't understand your own desires or don't know what sex is. Sounds like your friends had to convince you of something. Rape is a VERY SERIOUS matter, and the fact that you're so blase about it, seems to say that you were not in fact raped.

    But maybe I'm wrong. If you want to take legal action against him (which is what women do if they've been raped) you shouldn't this post here. If a laywer got a hold of this you would have a HARD time proving that you thought it was rape at the time. Rape is when you have unconcentual sex, you either want to or not. If you didn't want to then you would of known then, if you did want to then he didn't rape you, if you didn't know what you wanted then that's still not rape by default.

    But I'm hoping it's not as bad as your friends think it was.

  7. #7
    behind_these_eyes
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    Rape from a legal standpoint is when somone has sex with someone else without their consent. Not pushing someone off is not a form of consent. So I'd have to disagree and say that legally, yes you were raped. You don't even have to say no for it to be considered rape; an absense of "yes" is a no. I don't know how you want to handle that, because your situation is unique with lots of technicalities. That doesn't change the basic facts though. You're justified in feeling any way you feel at this point, and I hope everything works out.

  8. #8
    avman
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    Legally its rape at the point you no longer consent. And saying "no" is that point. Technically you do not have to push him off or struggle. Saying no is enough.

    Now PROVING it is a whole other story. Its your word against his. And if you two still have a good relationship and you can talk about what happened and resolve it - that will be much better than trying to sort it out in court. Do you still love him? Thats something only you can answer. Do you think he did it on purpose? Does he understand what he did?

    Try and sort it out between the two of you. Unless you feel he is a dangerous person and needs to be locked up.

  9. #9
    the_tiger_striped_cat
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    Ok maybe I said a few things wrong.

    Check it out:
    link removed.viewArticle&ArticleID=913&page=1

    -Absense of "no" is not consent.
    -Even saying "yes" under certain circumstances can be seen as not concenting. For example if it's forced.
    -BUT it's not rape if he thought it wasn't rape. That is, it's not rape if he too thought that her "no" was referring to the feeling rather than the act itself.

    So if he thought he didn't need to stop if he made it feel better, then this wouldn't constitue rape. Replace that "no" with an "ouch" and it definitely isn't rape. I don't know. It seems like a hard call.

    But either way, I doubt it would hold up in court with phrases like "should I love him or hate him?" "I realized a month later that I was raped," "I thought it was natural" etc. I mean how is he supposed to know if it's rape if she doesn't even know.

  10. #10
    theghost
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    Lately you can sue anyone for just bumping into you, no I wouldn't take this to court.

    Its up to you if you want him back. Make sure he understands what he did.

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