Jump to content

Please help me i am completely broken hearted


Recommended Posts

hi there, any advise is welcome!!

my boyfriend broke up with me after 3 years of being together, 2 years of which we were living together. i didnt see it coming at all. i was away on a business trip for 3 days and in that time he moved all his stuff out of our apartment. we chatted on the phone while he was away he even said i was beautiful and he told me his sister had stayed over and he had to put her sleeping on the couch in case he rolled over and cuddled her in the middle of the night thinking it was me.i came home on fri, he collected me from the airport and halfway home he told me he was moving out, i thought he was joking, to say i was shocked was an understatement. he said he didnt think he wanted to marry me and to be fair to me he had decided we should break up. we got back to the fairly empty apartment and talked, well i was hysterical he was talking. he said he loved me, he said he loved living with me but he didnt think we had a long term future. he said we were very different, that we had argued alot in Athens (aug 11-17) and that was when he started thinking about us breaking up. He was working over there for 3 weeks and i went out for a week, yes we did bicker, i was stressed, he was stressed and it could have gone better. im not delusional i know we had problems there but i really thought everything was sortable, for the past year he has been working abroad alot 2 weeks away, 1 week home etc but with the olympics over he was due to be at home for the foreseeable future and i thought we would sort everything out. Anyway he came home on the 25th of aug and i genuinely thought we would work everything out. on the 27th we went to yet another one of his friends wedding. on the sat we went to a bbq, on the sunday we went to a gig, monday i came home from work and he cooked me dinner, tues we went to the gym together, wed i went on my business trip and well fri he dumped me.

some background, it took him 18 months to tell me he loved me, i gave him an ultimatum about moving in and he chose to move in. i had been saying i need to know we have a future, ie i need reassurance here.

im so confused he's telling me its over and he's also saying if he thinks he's amde a mistake he wont be too proud to come back, he's saying to give it time, fate will dictate if it is to work, then he is also saying he thinks he's made the right decision and it is over and it is not a break. Sat i rang him and he came over and i begged him to come back and give us a chance and he said he woulnt make that decision now. Sunday he called over for an hour as well, when he calls over he is hugging and kissing me and saying sorry, he is crying too saying this is horrible and fate and all that. Monday i rang him and told him that i knew i had to stop ringing him but it was just so hard for me. he told me to be strong. i havent rang him since and i feel like im dying of a broken heart. i cant eat or sleep, ive lost interest in everything im crying all the time and hoping he will realise he has made a completely rash decsion and come back. i had no say in this. iwant him back and i dont know what to do. please please help me. i love this guy so much all my hopes and dreams for the future included him and now im destroyed.

Link to comment
  • Replies 325
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

I feel for you. Especially since you didn't even see it coming. Its obvious you really care for the guy. You need to pick yourself up though, and start doing things for yourself for the time being. Start off by making yourself as busy as possible. The more you have to do, the less you will think about him.

Acting desperate will not make him come back. You need to be strong, and distant, but available if he wants to contact you. You need him to miss your company, so calling him doesnt help that. Slowly start calling him less and less, dont just ignore him for 2 weeks if you talk everyday.

If he wants to come back, he will. Begging for him almost never works. If he does agree to come back when you beg, he will surely remember why he left in the first place. So let him come to realize what made you a special person on his own.

There is nothing you can do to remedy this quickly. You just need to look strong, and caring...but not totally crushed. Let him know you still care for him, but dont get all emotional about it. Remain strong. Do things for yourself, and yourself only.

Link to comment

Greetings.

 

I am so sorry this is happening to you and I hear the pain in your voice as you write.... I can tell that you are very surprised at all of this and really didn't know it could happen.

 

I am of course, unsure why he is doing this, but I suspect it might have had to do with feeling pressured from you regarding the status of the relationship.... maybe he is one of those people who thinks that everything has to be perfect, etc.... then again some people don't believe in one person actually leaving them in the heat of an argument, and once that is done, it's difficult for them to leave their heart open to that person again. I think he's built up a brick wall of sorts, since you left him in the past. People dont take kindly to things like that, and I know that we all act out of anger a lot and do things we regret, I'm guilty of that too, I'm too impulsive, but a lot of times it really pays to stop, take some deep breaths, and calm down, no matter how horrible things seem at the moment.

 

Perhaps if you give this man some time without you, he will realize that he wants to work things out and he will come back. He may not, but the reality of the situation at hand at THIS moment in time is that he wants space and you should respect that. I know it's SO HARD and I know it's so difficult not to wonder who he's with, what he's doing, who he's talking to, what he's feeling, etc., but if you continually call him and cry, I guarantee it will push him further and further away.... we all want what we cannot have. At the moment, your only power over this situation is NC - No contact. As hard as it is, many people here will tell you that it WORKS. Not only for the relationship but more importantly for YOURSELF. You will grow stronger this way.... keep reading about no contact in these forums and you will gain support in that department....

 

I wish you well, dear and please hang in there. We cannot control other people, we can only control how we react..... remember that, and react with dignity to keep your self esteem intact, cause at the end of the day, all we have to do is look within ourselves for the answers to everything.

 

Hang in there and keep us posted if you hear from him. But try not to contact him..... remember he can't miss you if you're around.

  • Like 1
Link to comment

Hello there,

I am sorry that you are going through this. I know how much it hurts. It's always hard to accept when our partner breaks up with us.

 

You know what you have to do. As you said, you have to stop ringing him. If he is still hugging and kissing you--is not too proud to come back-- then possibly he still loves you. Maybe he was just overwhelmed or honestly felt that all the arguing meant you were not right for each other. In truth all couples argue at some time--it just means they disagree.

 

I think you should give him space. Take the break up as a break for yourself. Step away from the relationship and take a look at it. Is there anything you would do differently now if you had the chance?

 

I think you should not call him and beg him to take you back. Begging never works-it just make you look desperate--that's not what you want. Instead let it be for now. Let it sink into his mind that he has let you go... let him feel what he has lost. I hope that once you do this he realizes his mistake and comes back to you. If he does not then at least you will be doing NC and helping yourself heal. It won't be easy.

 

Be strong and best of luck to you.

Link to comment

Hello there, and bless you for writing. I understand deeply the pain you are feeling, and I want you to know it is all right to feel this, and it is necessary to experience this grief. This pain is evidence of how strongly and richly you felt for this young man, and rightly so, because you love him and want a future with him.

 

In today's world, many of the cues of love and love's progress are absent. Each person is left to decipher the steps toward love. Gone are the days of courtship rules and milestones. I see in your situation, you saw moving in together as a big step toward a marriage-oriented future. But your boyfriend apparently has not seen it in a similar light--he has decided to move out and re-examine this relationship on his own. In your heart, moving in was a decision that you assumed would lead to marriage. But unlike an engagement ring, this step has so many different meanings for each person. And thus, the shock of your boyfriend's sudden decision to move out. It seems impossible that he would do such a rash thing without any sort of obvious warning. This event is akin to handing over a ring and saying "let's call it off." This is devestating, shocking, and emotionally wrenching to say the least.

 

It seems to me that your boyfriend was not taking the moving-in as seriously as you, and unbeknownst to you, he likely has been considering a move-out for awhile. It isn't fair to you that he did not talk this over in some length before this decision. The way he went about it is indeed surprising and has left you reeling from deep pain and disbelief. Too often, these kind of events drop down like a nuclear bomb, leaving such devestation that it seems our lives will never be healed.

 

Even though you bickered in Athens and had some rough moments, this surely was not the cause of his decision. It appears that there are other issues at hand in your sweetheart's mind, and given time, he should be able to do you the honour of explaining them to you. You and he were together for a considerable amount of time, and for that alone, you deserve to know more about this decision of his. My advice is to let him be for a time, as hard as it is. Tell him you would like to talk about this more, but you want him to call you when he is able to discuss things in length. My guess is he will be more willing to talk about things when he has had some time to adjust to the decision he has made.

 

This situation is so difficult and hard to accept because, as you said, he was behaving quite normally in the days leading up to the move-out. His quick decision seems to be a reactive one, due to some sort of acute emotions and thoughts he was harbouring inside. Once his feelings have settled a bit, I am sure he will think more clearly about things and be able to talk with you about it.

 

For now, hold on, write to all of us here, feel the grief, talk to friends and family. And if this young man remains aloof and firm in his decision, well, then he has decided to walk out on a sweet, caring, devoted young soul. Sorry for him.

 

I believe a man must cherish a woman, and dear, you are one to be cherished. A man who loves you needs no ultimatum my dear, and I am sorry you had to give him one. Too bad he couldn't on his own accord fully commit. I am sorry for this modern world's ideals encroaching on the heart and soul of romance. The soul needs devotion and reckless abandonment when it comes to love. Too many broken hearts arise because of all these individual protocols....To me, you are a girl any man would gladly pursue, never to be wishy-washy. If your boyfriend comes back, make sure he comes back with a sure sign of his commitment, and that should be a ring. That's what you want, and that's waht you deserve. No question about it. You need to be wooed, and you need to know where you stand in his life. Unfortunately, moving in together is not always a sign of committment. It's meaning is so variant. You rboyfirend needs to do something that leaves no questions in your mind as to what his intentions are......and for someone as devoted and kind as you, that should involve getting down on his knees and handing you a ring, my dear. This is the essense of human devotion, and is not just for the old-fashioned. It is for us all. And I can tell how dear you are, and how much you deserve this happy certainty.

 

So please know you have come to the right place for support and understanding. I wish I could smooth over this terrible grief you are feeling, but it is a season of your soul that must run its course. In pain, there is a breaking of our shells, so our hearts stand to the sun. When our hearts are broken, they are broken open so that we may feel more love, so that we may feel more life. In pain, there is a healing of ourselves, an ever deepening of who we are as human souls. In many ways, you are the fortunate one to be handed over this bitter potion, for you are the one who will feel deeply, who will grieve to the depths of your being, and who will know the ecstacies and agonies of love, love in all its totality, not just its peace and pleasure.

 

I hope this has helped in any way....Because I know pain so well, and in my pain, I have learned and continue to learn so much about life. In sorrow, there are the deepest connections. "You may forget those you have laughed with, but you will never forget those you have cried with."

 

Bless you today.........

  • Like 1
Link to comment

hello foz

 

i agree with all the previous post just to add up...what you need to do right now is just accept it as it is (his decision) you can't do anything to change his mind, It will be hard for the first 4-5 days...I've been there i can't eat, sleep, and do anything.

 

try to do little steps of healing like go out with friends, go to the gym, anything that will keep your mind off on what had happened...i would recommend to read some post here and if you feel like pouring your heart out...then please do so...write your emotions here and write all the things you need to know in handling these hard situations...we're all here to help.

 

DONT CALL OR SEE HIM USE "NO CONTACT" you need to heal first.

 

good luck and keep us posted

Link to comment

i know i shouldn't contact him because to be honest by monday i felt like a pest and knew i had to stop and give him space. but its so hard when you have talked to someone every day for 3 years to just stop.

sometimes i just feel so much despair that i just want to talk him. i really cant see a future without him and maybe yes i did see living together as a prelude for marriage and he didnt and he has had commitment issues in the past with me so maybe this is what the break up is. but i didnt want to get married in the near future but not never. alot of his friends got engaged and married this year and maybe the fact that we were at a wedding a week before he broke up with me is significant but how if you claim to be happy with someone can you decide that while you may not be ready for marriage tomorrow you never will be??

when i gave him the ultimatum about moving in with me 1 year ago it was because i wanted something more serious than dating and if he didnt then was his chance to get out. he did say at the time he was wary about it because he wasnt ready for marriage. i said i just wanted us to live together so he moved in. he says now he has never once regretted moving in with me and loves living with me so what is he doing?? i really dont understand!

then he said because we argue maybe we are incompatible, i have tried to explain in the past that everyone argues and it is a good way of clearing the air.

he is 30, i am 29 so its not like im pushing him and he's too young to make a commitment.

i am so confused and hurt. also maybe he is not going to come back to me ever, he did move all his stuff out and maybe if all he wanted was time to sort his head out he wouldnt have moved out his stuff and maybe all the things he is saying about fate and time are just to cushion the blow and ive just stupidly clung on to them.

i just feel like im existing and not living, everything is an effort, it is so hard to wake up in the morning and be in an empty bed all alone.

maybe i should move out of the flat because there are too many memories.

Advice please??

Link to comment

Ah !! An empty bed all alone - I know that feeling all too well. When my wife walked out on me totally out of the blue I would wake up in the morning and my mind would replay all the good memories like a video player over and over until I thought I was going to go mad.

 

These days I quite like to be able to stretch out and hog the whole thing (being 6 foot 5 ins normally ment that some part of me was stuck out getting cold. Lol)

 

Sorry to ask a personal question - but what was the situation with children. Did he want them or not ?

Link to comment

I thought I had read your post properly - I was wondering if his was feeling unsure about committing with the view to marriage, family etc. I was in a similar situation many years ago with a girl who told me straight that she wanted a family ASAP - and I broke up with her because of it. I was heartbroken to leave her as I did love her but I knew deep down I would never be happy with her and a family I didn't want.

 

It's probably not the same situation with you - just my experience.

Link to comment
he said we were very different, that we had argued alot in Athens (aug 11-17) and that was when he started thinking about us breaking up. He was working over there for 3 weeks and i went out for a week, yes we did bicker, i was stressed, he was stressed and it could have gone better.

 

Sorry if I interpreted that part wrong but I thought that meant that when you guys argued, that you left him for a week as a result.....

 

It has been my experience that guys are pretty straight forward... and the fact that he even told you the reason is fascinating because usually they don't say anything at all... you're lucky he told you...... they're not like us females where they have some long, dramatic story about why they want to break up, they are pretty blunt when they do it, and expect you to understand with only a few words like he has given you. He told you why he's breaking up.... he feels that this particular portion of your relationship was a problem for him and he obviously hasn't gotten over it. A lot of guys are really bothered by things like that. I have been with a couple of different guys who told me sort of the same thing, like they got "scared" when we had a disagreement or a misunderstanding, or just because we didn't agree on every little thing that there was no way it would ever work...... everybody thinks differently. Maybe he felt like you got the upper hand in the argument and that he doesn't feel that he can compete with you in an argument and doesn't want to give up that power to you and live like that, maybe he wanted to be more in control. A lot of times it's all about control with men, they need to feel like they're in control, it's in their genes.

 

I think you still have a lot going for you, he's being honest with you, which is great.... he didn't just go out and cheat or something, (let's hope anyway) and he still has a conscience and he cares for you and loves you, that's apparent by his actions after the breakup. I really think it has a LOT to do with what happened in Athens because I don't think he'd mention it if it didn't..... men get over things quicker than women and it is a key component in his reasoning right now. His ego is bruised as a result of this argument, or he wouldn't have brought it up. The only other possibility that I can think of why he's bringing this up and it's not really bothering him, is if he has someone else lined up and it's just an excuse. But by his actions, I doubt that.... it sounds like you two had a pretty stable relationship as far as trust goes and it sounds like he really respects you, which is good.

 

I am sorry if I had interpreted incorrectly what happened in the argument in Athens...

Link to comment

Hi Foz,

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I know how hard it is. The guy I was dating came over to my house and took his stuff and just said "we're getting too close" and all this stuff. I analyzed it for days and days and am STILL trying to figure it out. But, I've realized that I will NEVER EVER know what's in his mind...no one knows what other people are really thinking...ever.

 

And it's hard to give specific advice about this guy cuz I don't know him at all. But, what I DO know is that even though it TOTALLY hurts now...more than any pain you think you've ever felt...he's done you a favour. If he really doesn't see you together in the end, his seemingly "selfish" act of moving out so quickly is actually quite the opposite...selfless. IF what he's saying is true, and he doesn't think he can offer you what you deserve...in the near future or EVER, then he needs to end it. And he probably did it so suddenly because it's the only way he could do it. Like a bandaid...quicker is better. I'm sure it's hurting him just as much. My friend was with a guy for 8 years and he proposed to her, and 5 months later, after 1/2 of the wedding plans were made, he ended it cuz he never really wanted to get married to her, but just did it cuz he thought it was right.

 

I hope, for your sake, that he realizes that he's made a mistake and comes back...but, you can't live every day from now on wishing for that. You have to hurt and grieve and slowly move on with your life. And what ever happens, happens. But, you sound like a wonderful person, and deserve to have what you WANT in life. Imagine you spent 5 more years or something with him and THEN he did this...or you got married and later he decided he didn't want it? That would be much worse.

 

It'll be hard to live every day for a while...but you will get through it. One minute at a time. It will work out. And for now, you will just get through the basics of life...eating, sleeping.....breathing. You'll make it through.

 

Keep us updated!!! And good luck...

Link to comment

hi guys, thanks for your messages. well i dont know what to do with myself, ifeel like everything is a struggle, all i can think about and talk about is him, i wake every morning at about 5 and cant get back to sleep, i cry and i cry but i havent rang him or texted him which is a good thing.

He left a few pictures and wine glasses behind so i put them in a box and put them in the store room. i was going to email him and tell him to collect them this weekend while i am away but then i thought no just leave them there. i think i was going to use it as an excuse for him to have to talk to me but now ive decided to let him contact me if he wants them. also i dont want him to collect them because then it means he really is gone forever. Same way as im afraid to move out of our flat, if i do that im in some way turning my back on the fact that he may come back.

i feel my bickering did make him question our future and now im doing the whole what if thing to myself. i sometimes feel im hanging on to sanity by a thread.

i met a friend last night and i just felt she was cruel, she kept saying, its over move on, accept it, his actions speak louder than his words and his actions are that he has left. I couldnt cope with it,

im such a mess, im going to visit my mum this weekend and just get away and try cope.

Link to comment

I think a visit to your mum will do you the world of good. I spent a week with my parents after my breakup and ranted until I was totally exhausted. They listened, told me their feelings on the whole matter and made me about a million cups of tea.

 

Try to smile at something - anything this weekend. If something funny happens, have a laugh - you will probably feel miserable 2 seconds later but it's all about trying to lighten the mood.

 

I really appreciate a sunrise and sunset now - I never really noticed it for years. The colours, the clouds are all really beautiful - just have look and smile. I often think about how in the greater scheme of things how insignificant my ex really is.

 

But then I'm a bit strange

Link to comment

May I make a suggestion? You say you are afraid to move out of your flat because you feel you are turning your back on him coming back. Please do not be afraid and do not stop your life for him. Trust me when I say that when a man wants to find you --he will search for you until he does. You are doing yourself a disservice by stopping your life at this point and refusing to go forward. Do the things that you want to do, do not stop yourself for the "what if's" .

 

You know, I have a different view of how you should react after a break up. I think you should try your best to show that you are moving forward, making changes and such because I think this is what will truly get your ex's attention and interest back--if it still exists. You show them that you can get along well without them. I just think this is what will scare them.

 

From what I have seen most men run back to the woman when they see that she can walk away--and they may never see her again.

Link to comment

Foz wrote:

 

all i can think about and talk about is him, i wake every morning at about 5 and cant get back to sleep, i cry and i cry but i havent rang him or texted him which is a good thing.

 

Foz - I've been there. My gf of 4 1/2 years broke up with me in March. She also dropped the bomb on my head out of nowhere. On Monday we were having fun as usual at my place and on Friday that same week she told me she couldn't give me what I deserved and 'needed time', meaning it was over.

I feel for you coz I know exactly how you feel. I also felt devastated. The best you can do is initiate NC. It's extremely hard b/c it's against your will but it DOES help you get your mind straight.

I agree with you that everything is a struggle. Although I have been doing NC for almost half a year now I still feel like crying sometimes, but the pain has lessened a bit. Time is a great healer, but you also have to be patient. I know it's easy to give advice but believe me I wish there was a day in my life that goes by without me thinking about my ex...

 

 

Keep strong,

 

Pete

Link to comment

oh god, im at home in my mum's at the moment and i feel like im either cracking up or im going to die. i even went to the docotor yesterday to see if there was something he could give me to get over this but there isnt apparently i just have to through it. im afraid that by giving him space and no contact that im giving him time to forget me. im afraid he will think he's done the right thing and wont come back and all i want is a chance because i had no say in the matter and i really feel that is unfair, why didnt he let me discuss it with him. all i do is cry, im on sleeping tablets and even they are not working and ive to go back to our empty flat tonight and go to work again tomorrow and i just dont know can i do it. i hate life without him, maybei should write him a letter and tell him how im feeling. im so afraid that if i do the whole NC i will never hear from him again!! he's got all these trips arranged with all his mates to keep him occupied and im just dying inside

Link to comment

well i havent contacted him in a week and i know everyone says this is the right thing to do but it is SO HARD. i want to talk to him and figure this out and i dont know how long im supposed to wait for him to contact me. i dont think im getting any better, in fact im driving myself crazy most of the time. when is it ok to contact him and say that i really need to talk to him. i need to understand what happened and why and is this the end??

Link to comment

hi again Foz,

I know how rough it is, believe me. I work with my ex and I'm trying to do as much NC as possible, when all I really want to do is hold him down and ask him a million questions. But, I can't do that...it will just make me look desperate and that's so undesirable.

While you're still in this frame of mind and want to talk to him so badly and stuff, talking to him would not give you the end result you really want. Maybe after a while, some day, you can ask the questions you want the answers to, but sometimes it's best just to leave it alone for a while. I mean, there's a good possibility that the answers he provides you with are not what you really want to hear, and could make you feel even worse than you do right now, and that wouldn't be good.

The only way he might come back to you is for you to give him this space that he needs and has asked for. I know how hard it is...believe me...I'm doing it too, and I have to see him 3 or 4 times a week. It will get easier. It will take time. Keep coming here and venting whenever you need to...we don't get sick of hearing it.

PM me if you need to. It seems as though we're in similar circumstances...

Link to comment

i'm beginning to think he is not coming back, the more time i spend in our apartment the more stuff i see he has moved out which leads me to the conclusion that he is not coming back. He even took a shell that he had got for me while scuba diving on xmas day in mexico. What does that mean?? I really want to text him about the shell and ask him why did he take that??

I still dont understand why he moved out in such a cruel and cowardly way and why after over 3 years together he could not discuss whatever doubts he had with me beforehand and see if we could work it out.

And im also surprised that after 3 years of talking to me about every little thing he did i havent heard from him.

why has he completely destroyed me like he has??

Link to comment

Foz I'm so sorry.

 

I know right now nothing can help you feel better. So just know that we're here for you in spirit, okay? "This too, shall pass." It always does. Know that we all know what it's like to feel the way you're feeling. That's why we answer these posts and try to help one another. Sometimes just knowing that you're not the only one out there who has felt like their world is crumbling down, helps you realize that there is hope for a better future.

 

Try to think about other tragedies that have occurred to you or around you and how things have improved since their inception. Know that you don't need ANYONE to survive, and that you are a perfectly wonderful girl who is still as lovable and is still the same person as you were when you were born..... it's just that things happen outside of ourselves in this world that cause our emotions to come out. That is what is happening. It hasn't changed YOU. Don't allow outside influences to crush your spirit.

 

I wish you happiness and healing.

Link to comment

Foz I know how you feel. It's very difficult to get over a long relationship like this.

 

You must tell yourself that you both needed a break and that this is a good thing for the relationship. As you said, you were both arguing alot, you were asking for reassurances and had given him the ultimatum to move in a few years back. Does this sound like a healthy relationship to you, when you have to ask for reassurances constantly? You were obviously scared and insecure in the relationship. There was something missing or you wouldn't have needed such reassurance.

 

Try to take this time to grow as a person. See the mistakes you both made and learn from them. I do hope he can see this too and come back to you, but for now you should let him go. If he is not willing to come back on his own and work to make this relationship happen, then you don't want him back. He was not giving you something or there wouldn't have been so many arguments. What was it that you needed from him?

 

Work on yourself for now. Get your confidence back, believe in yourself again. This kind of attitude will attract others to you---and hopefully your ex will see it too in time. Be strong

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...