a word to the wise..

How do you ever get to eat again? I am literally forcing myself to get something in - whether it be some applesauce or just some juice. Unfortunately it's noticeable which makes people wonder and ask inappropriate questions? How long until I feel better - REALLY how long?

For a word to the wise - your post is what everyone should do but sometimes its hard to do it until you see it in Black and White so i thank you for that.

As for the not eaters please clear your mind for a few minutes to feed yourself, you can eat, you are convincing yourself that you cant and you are not helping yourself but hurting yourself. I lost my Lover this year and aslo last my MOTHER R.I.P. and I am back on track so I know grief but you need to take care of # 1 so you can move on.

Please count your blessings instead of your losses and you too will heal.

Thanks all!

I can definitely relate to the no apetite thing. I lost 12 pounds in a month because I just didn't feel like eating. I ate, but I didn't taste, if you know what I mean

I totally relate as well. I remember two full weeks of lieing in bed crying. The only thing that got me out of bed was to go to work, because I still had to pay the rent. I didn't eat a proper meal for a long long time, but I knew thatI'd die with out liquids, so that's all I did. And cried.

After a while, I lost the ability to digest solid food. If I DID eat something, I immediately greeted it with a sharp stabbing pain in my stomach, and it took a long time a coax my body to deal with food again.

I lost about 10 pounds in 1.5-2 weeks. The last time I saw the guy that was responsible for this, all he had to say was "You look great"

Thanks, pal...

Since the idea of divorce started, (6 months ago) I have lost 41 pounds. I can eat again- I am better about how I am using food, so I can make sure I don't go on the pity binges again.

My biggest problem is intimacy. I ended up lazy in my marriage because I thought he would always be there and I never needed to try. Now that I am in the real world, I don't remember how to be "a catch" and how to be enticing intimately. I almost feel like I have not had to try for so long that I expect to be with someone new right away and not have to try, to just be me and he will just want me and it will be so easy. But I know that is not realistic and I need to get back to the pre-marriage, playing-the-field games and I don't know how. Any thoughts?

I can totally relate to the "non-eating" problem. Whenmy boyfriend broke up with me this past summer, I lost 22 pounds in 6 weeks. Like the previous replier said, when I saw my ex, the only thing he could say to me was, "You look amazing." But, amazing as the weght loss was, I wasn't healthy; I ended up contracting a peptic ulcer. Believe me, I know ow difficult it is to eat when your heart is in so much pain. All I can tell you is that time will bring your appetite back. In the mean time, be sure to drink plenty of liquids. At least that way you will keep yourself hydrated.

Take care...

It does get better,

Becca

Great words Ms or Ms whoeveryouare

Great Post, definitely words of wisdom my friend thank you those are trully words to the spirit inside all of us, we are all resilient we just hafe to let go of the negativity and pain we are attached too. Only your spirit can pick up our emotionally wrecked self, so let it do it.

Please Please take care of yourselves... You were always self-sufficient before you met your ex, remember that. I know it is difficult, isnt it amazing that you can be so attached it can affect you so detrimentally physically? Its scary you now. Eating is important, i know the feeling please trust me, I do. I know that feeling you have in your stomach everyday, in the morning, when you get up, in the afternoon, in the evening, and at night, just to know that your going to have the same process happen again the next day... but it slowly start to fade and not be so dominating if you make choice for yourself that is that you dont want to be in you own personal hell, and thats what it is cause the ex isnt around to help you up. but like the post in words of wisdom said... thats it, its the challenge of life, that is what character is made from. and we are all in the thick of it right now. So to deal with it, take care of yourself your basic needs, eat, exercise, ( i have to start exercising again), relax, breathe, pray, laugh, write, play/listen to music, get out of the house, all this stuff is vital. So let your spirit guide you all, it slowly comes to you, when ou quieten your mind and allow it too. I have been dealing with a breeakup now for over three mnths, and just recently I have found strength to focus on my own needs, (not that i am being productive as I should be), but I know I am in a transition, I am progressing very very slowly, but its happening without a doubt. I know that I may have some slip ups, but, I will not be weak during them, or after them, I will not let them kill my spirit.

I want to be resilient, i am still iffy about letting go, ill be honest about that, but I know i want to get up to the sunshine everydday, and have an encouraging and simple mental though process as I get up, not a complicated painful mental thought process that I keep beating myself up in as i get up to start my day off. I will get there soon. I ve been thru three of these things and know this process, but in a way, it is a purification process, because in the stability of the relationship you kind of gloss over those insecurities you really still have deep down, you dont deal with those fears you still have in dealing with the real world becaue you dont have to at the time, you are in that bubble, so when the bubble burst you can see yourself clearly and slowly start to deal with things. Let yourself heal...

I just wanted to bump this great advice back up to the top

Would it be possible to make this a sticky? My apologies if this has been discussed already, I have not read all of the replies, just the original post.

There is one thing that I might ad to this list. Perhaps this is unique to me, but I don't think so:

Volunteer. Especially if it is doing something where you are helping people directly. Feeling like you are of value to other people, being appreciated, keeping busy, and simply having contact with others can be tremendously therapeutic. This could even include helping people out with advice on this forum , but direct contact with people would be even better. A lot of people recommend this as a way to meet new people. This is not my point, but if that happens as well, then consider it a bonus Lots of cities have programs for volunteers who can drive housbound people to appointments, or join Big Brothers/Big Sisters, etc.

I think this post has helped so many of us that it would be a shame if we did not carry the torch for the "poster". I think volunteering to help others is a great way of living your life, for we tend to forget that no matter how tough things can be, there is always someone who has it tougher.

I have been volunteering my time for the past two years teaching at BankStreet College a Music Production class to 9-10-11-12 graders. The joy I see in their faces really has helped me a lot even in times like these.

I am not saying that I don't hurt sometimes, and miss my baby but I know it will be ok...just hang in there.

So Mentor make it happen and lets mentor others in needs for in the end we'd be mentoring ourselves.

So Mentor make it happen and lets mentor others in needs for in the end we'd be mentoring ourselves.

+1

I have been a Big Brother for over a year...since my last break-up

0X

I am not saying that I don't hurt sometimes, and miss my baby but I know it will be ok...just hang in there.

Keep us (me) updated on your situation. I am really interestd to hear how things turn out for you!

Peace

Awesome advice, and everyone's contributions are great too. One thing I would add with regard to NC- make sure it is NC in every sense of the word. One thing that I continued to do (and I must admit, am still doing but not as much) is frequenting the forums that I know my ex-BF frequents to read his posts. I don't sign in, he doesn't know I'm there; I guess I felt I needed some kind of tie to him, or way of knowing what he was up to. It didn't help, and it has turned into a bad habit that I know have to work on breaking.

NC means NC- it is so hard, and there were so many times I had my hand on the phone, but now I am happy I resisted the urge. If for no other reason than I cannot be categorized as a "crazy girl"- even though I have felt like one in my head, I never let anyone see it. I'm so glad for that now that I am starting to feel better.

That's wonderful! I can tell you that there is nothing better and more empowering in these moments of vulnerability than knowing that you're standing tall. My special one and I used to share emails, she'd go in mine and I would go in hers just for fun. We knew each others passwords all. So I used to have this crazy urge to go in hers and find out what is she up to. It's insane! I really still miss her but I know that especially now not only would this be a violation of someone's privacy but also it sets up a bad precedent. All my friends have told me that if they were in my shoes they'd do it!!

I want to show to myself that I have the power within me, I have always had it because when you're the one who's been left, you feel like they have the high hand. In reality it is your mind that is taking things so personally and then makin assumptions about them. THus you hurt yourself not by the actions of others but merely because you have a wound that is hurt by what they did. So basically I am taking this time to create some boundaries, make agreements with me that are acceptable, and be strong so that no matter what I don't get affected by what others do or say. This is not easy to do, and I am taking it slow. When I miss my baby, I just try and think about what part of me is creating this feeling...and not thinking about how if she came back my wound would be healed.

So there you have it folks, I think we should refused to hurt and abuse our beautiful bodies and our wonderful mind. I definitely KNOW that I look good!! What about you?

I think I look pretty good too. At least this was not a bad hair day.

To echo what you all are saying: Helping others or at least trying to.. is so rewarding and it does help us move on quicker. Suddenly we have a new purpose, it takes away from focusing ( or obsessing) over our own misfortune.

Love

My special one and I used to share emails, she'd go in mine and I would go in hers just for fun. We knew each others passwords all. So I used to have this crazy urge to go in hers and find out what is she up to. It's insane! I really still miss her but I know that especially now not only would this be a violation of someone's privacy but also it sets up a bad precedent. All my friends have told me that if they were in my shoes they'd do it!!

Stand strong on this one!!! I made the mistake of violating Lisa's privacy once, and regret it deeply now. I feel shame, feel horrible for the betrayal of trust. We need to have the willpower to resist the curiosity. I was weak and failed once. Don't make the same mistake.

Oh and GreatGuy!, check your PMs! 8)

What is PM?????

Regarding PM:

At the top of the page in the center ( next to the profile link) you will see a message that says " you have 2 messages" click on that link to check your private messages.

Thx!

Great post! Very good tips.

Already did some of the steps like getting rid of stuff that remind me of her, and starting to exercise. I still tried to contact her (foolish enough) but she doesn't reply. So it's bye-bye. I'll have a great life either with or without her.

Thx dude.

(And make this sticky!)

I wish I had had the strength to do NC. No time like the present, right? I hate the thought of us never being friends again, but I just don't think I can handle it. I know I can't...I've tried to be friends with him and I always think I can win him back. We don't talk anymore though we see each other out often. That's fun.

I don't know if I cna get rid of his letters. It's not that I read them anymore...I'm sure it's that getting rid of them would be finally, really extingiushing the embers. I loved the relationship when I was in it...I feel horrible getting rid of them. I don't know if I can do it, or which would be worse...to keep them or toss them. I am just terrified of it. I don't want to say goodbye. I never did.

NC does not have to be permanent. It will help both of you move on, and once you are BOTH ready, you might explore where the new relationship will lead you. Once you no longer feel that you want to be friends because you"...always think that you can win him back," you will know that you are ready for a true friendship.

I have not gotten rid of any letters, etc from my past relationships, and I am glad that I still have them. For every relationship that I have been in I keep a shoebox full of the momentos. These have to be put out of sight and mind when you are healing, but one day you will recognize the importance that this person had in your life, and actually be happy that you shared time with them. You will be glad that you have some keepsakes. It is not that I read through all of this stuff, but it gives me a nice warm feeling to know that they are there. That I touched some people through my life very deeply. It is a nice boost to my self-esteem. Burning, throwing out, etc. are irreversible steps. Try to just store them away in the basement for a while or something.

Thanks, Mentor. I have all those lovely things in a box in my parents house back home. He was the first everything and even though it's been two years and I'm in love with someone new, it still hurts. We tried to be friends immediately and now I know it was a mistake. It took me a year to learn that, but nevertheless. We just need a lot more time apart before we can think about being more of friends.

I'm so glad to know I'm not alone!

......................