a word to the wise..

My circumstances are not important, you do not need to find similarities in my story to feel relevance in these words. You are reading this for the reasons we all read this site. Why? Because you don't know what the hell just hit you.. and you're trying to make sense of it all. The love of your life, the man/woman of your dreams just collapsed your world. You are consumed with a yearning for them, for how it was, tortured by thoughts of how they could do this to you, unable to accept that the person you shared all those intimacies with is suddenly the coldest stranger on earth.. this is bad enough, but you can't eat, can't sleep, can't smile. it doesn't get any more *Censored* than this.

a few words to the wise:

1. know this, if nothing else.. All things must pass. no matter how bad you feel, no matter how convinced you are that the way you feel now is set in stone. you are wrong. all things must pass. how you feel now is not how you are destined to feel for the rest of your days. imagine your love like nuclear material. right now it's burning intensely – crushing you. but it has a shelf-life, soon it will be less intense, soon after a little less. after a while, you'll be able to cope, horrible realisations (that you're no longer with them, that you miss them, that life now sucks without them) will still hit you, but everything will be less intense. your current life without them will gradually take over, placing new memories in the way of your old ones..

2. exercise. believe me, I am no fan of exercise. but it will help you no end. it will relax you, take the tension out of your stomach, give you an appetite, release endorphins. everything you need. yes, you're tired, yes you can't sleep, exercise is not appealing, but you must. it will help

3. keep your head straight. don't get drunk, don't smoke weed, don't take anything else – all these will make things ten times worse. to fight this grief, you need to be strong. get smashed/off your face or whatever and the crushing thoughts will take on horrifying proportions in your brain, magnifying your loss.

4. no contact. (this also means not replying to contact, or replying in a way that suggests you don't want any further contact) this is often referred to, rarely followed strictly. I don't want to get into any discussion on whether or not this can bring someone back. If it does, good luck to you. for me, I know that's not the case – no contact is self preservation. I do not want to hear the voice of someone I felt so strongly about talking to me like I'm someone who just called to sell them insurance. they won't call you by the name they used to when they loved you, you may hear no love in their voice, no warmth – this is crushing. don't put yourself through it. if they made a mistake, if they can't live without you, they'll let you know. the alternative is that they feel for you, but don't want to change their mind – this will also screw you. you'll seize on it, want to believe there's a chance. you will beg. don't deceive yourself into thinking that if they could only hear you cry, hear how upset you are, they would come back. wrong. they underwent a mental process to get to the point of ending it with you, often that is quite a step to take, they have now ended it and are in a completely different mental place to you – this contrast will often lead to a disastrous conversation that will set you back. press on. the less you expect contact, emails, texts.. the quicker you can move out of the grief you're in.

5. be cruel to be kind. I removed all numbers from cellphones, email addresses, deleted all old emails, got rid of photos, anything that could remind me. you don't need to see his/her name when you scroll through your numbers, don't need to see those emails or pics from a time when you were so happy together. it is too much of a contrast with what you're going through now. often you don't want to remove traces of them because this is tantamount to admitting its over. the problem is, it is over – look after number one. less reminders equals better mental state. be disciplined.

6. try and spend time with old friends, family, people who care, doing things that are easy going – movies, a quiet drink etc. give yourself time. you will still be gripped by the horror of it every 5 minutes and when you get back to your empty home!! no one said it was easy. but again, remember point 1 – all things must pass. press on.

7. expect this to be (PROFANITY DELETED BY MODERATOR). this is no party. when you wake up from a fitful 3 hours sleep with what feels like a blender in your stomach.. try and smile in the face of it. you are living life. life is glorious, but also more crushing than can be put into words. congratulate yourself for being out there in the thick of it. you are doing what you were meant to do in life – experiencing the pain that often comes with the pleasure. be brave.

8. all things must pass. one day, you won't remember exactly how you felt right now. the worst thing is, other bad stuff may well have happened by then. but guess what? you'll deal with that too..

Great post there...erm, whatever your name is! Excellent advice.

What great advice! There are many wise things in this post.

Remember that life will get better, like the poster said, all things must pass. Just let time do her work on you, and you do the work you need to do, you will come out a new person. It won't feel good for a long time, but one day you wake up and you realize that ten minutes went by and you didn't think about the ex. He wasn't the first thing you thought of when you woke up. The sun will shine, the music on the radio is so upbeat, you're dancing and you're alone and ok with that and damn! life is fine!

Bravo. Standing ovation.

For any of you who've asked "How can I go on?" There's your answer, step by step.

Excellent advice. I hope a lot of people read this. I also deleted all the emails, ripped up the photos, erased old voicemails from my phone....and it helped. Actually, I did most of the things suggested here, and I have to say, exercise is the key. You work off a lot of the anger, helplessness, etc., plus you're making yourself look and feel better.

This is good advice. I think throwing yourself into self-improvement projects really helps. You really have to move on. Still I wish for a miracle.

the truth and nothing but the truth ..... *applause*

Great advice, Although it's hard to get rid of photos, letters and emails.

...and exercise, I just bought some exercise clothes.

very inspiring, thanks for that, I was feeling a little under the weather today, till I read your post.......

Kick butt advice! This should be a sticky or something!

I agree with Oatmeal, this post should be stickied to the top of this page. That was great advice "-". Thanks ^_^

I worship you! lol. That was definitely EXCELLENT advice. I was just crying my eyes out 10 minutes ago over my recent break up. Then I read this and it gave me hope (at least for the moment.) I'm sure that 5 minutes from now I'll be torn apart inside but I'll do my best to remind myself of your words. Thank you so much. If you have anything else to say at all let us know.

I have some advice...every time you feel torn apart, read his/her post AGAIN. Even if you've memorized it, reading it will make you feel better! Good luck.

What a fantastic post - Bravo my friend. Perhaps there is hope for me yet.

Excellent advice. I'm printing it out and posting it on my fridge. Thanks so much!

This is what i've been waiting to read!! it's soooo hard to get over my past relationship. i'm hoping this is the one post that will help me open my eyes!! thanks for the great post!!

Thank you so much.

Sitting at my computer and it's 4 in the morning thinking I'm really being pathetic. I read your post and now I'm going to bed to face a new day tomorrow.

I've been doing the exercise thing, the going out with friends, spending time with the family, busy with the start of a new semester at University and still i think about him everyday and often.

After reading your post the things I've been telling myself but never really listened to now have significance when seeing them written down. Still a long road to go but I've just deleted his MSN messenger off and got rid of any visible signs of him still lingering around (photos, books etc).

Good night, it's sinking in...

definitely worth printing and keeping. Something everyone should read.

This post is even BETTER the second (and third, and fourth) time around. Anyone going through a breakup should print a copy of this post and keep it around to read whenever you start feeling depressed.

KUDOS on some excellent advice.

I saw this a while ago, but didn't find it recently when I needed to re-read it. Thanks for bumping it to the top again, and it's in my sig now so I'll never lose it!

LP

I really needed this advice...no one has given me great advice yet. I am going through a seperation...i am young and have so much to live for, but all i feel is pain. i can't eat or sleep. I just want this pain to go away. Exercise does help..i've been going to the gym the last couple days. It releaves alot of tension..but i still have no apetite. Where do i go from here? I am so scared. But thank you again for this post, very nice.

I really needed this advice...no one has given me great advice yet. I am going through a seperation...i am young and have so much to live for, but all i feel is pain. i can't eat or sleep. I just want this pain to go away. Exercise does help..i've been going to the gym the last couple days. It releaves alot of tension..but i still have no apetite. Where do i go from here? I am so scared. But thank you again for this post, very nice.

Blue Eyes,

I'm so sorry for the pain that you are going through. It takes time to get over a relationship. One of the best things to do (besides exercise - great job starting that!) is keeping busy. Go out with friends, take up a new hobby, sign up for some classes. And when you're feeling down, call one of your friends and talk to them or if it's the middle of the night and you can't sleep... come to these message boards and read/post a message (or any time of the day!) Many times there is someone else who can't sleep either because they are going through the same thing, and it definitely helps knowing that there are others who feel the same way that you can talk to. Hang in there.

Angel

thank u for your advice.

Bravo!!!

Excellent advice if I ever heard any...

Thanks for this insightful post. I am trying so hard to get over my breakup. Unfortunately, I must be co-dependent, because I miss my ex so much/ (Only the good side of course.) I had to file a restraining order against him and other charges against him. He told me pathological lies to me. It was really awful, its like I never knew him. I felt in the beginning he was special, he had a good heart deep down. He was nothing who I thought he was in the end. So obviously for me to continue dreaming about the "false nice person", I must have a serious problem.

I've had breakups before, but dear god, nothing as painful as this one. I am completely devastated. I hope he never finds out this is how I feel, he would probably get pleasure from it.