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My husband loves me but says i'm ugly


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My husband of 12 years recently told me that i'm unattractive. Apparently, he's always found me unattractive. In fact wanted an unattractive partner so he wouldn't have to deal with the issues involved with pretty women ( ie. the interest of other men ).

 

I told a couple of girlfriends who reacted with disbelief, whether at his opinion or his voicing of it, i don't know. They chastised him gently. He just shrugged his shoulders in a "what can i say" fashion.

 

In addition, he often stares at other women when we're out together. He also likes to comment on the attractiveness of women everywhere, be it real women in the street or actresses in movies. He's not shy about sharing his opinions regarding the attractiveness of others with me or anyone else. In fact, (and i know this is just speculation on my part) it seems he sort of wants others to know he doesn't find me appealing.

 

I love him and I don't have any other reason to doubt his love for me. But i think if you love someone you find them attractive...i know i do. So what should i make of his low opinion of my appearance? Does it say something about his feelings for me in general?

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He has no right to say you are unnattractive! As your husband, he should be calling you beautiful or at least treating you with the same respect you give him. Just because hes a male doesnt mean he has the right to bring you down by calling you ugly or commenting on how attractive other woman are. I think you need to bring this up with your husband and let him know that it hurts you when he does these things. If he cannot respect you, then I don't know if he can truly love you. I am only 16 and I am only trying to help. I do hope things work out because the way he is behaving is unacceptable. Take care darlin! -hugs-

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Thats so mean of him!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Maybe ask him what he finds attractive in a girl, and do your best to fit that role. Maybe he prefers a certain type of clothing, a certain type of walking, i don't know. Ask him. And see if there is anything you can change that he might find attractive.

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Yeah, but why should she have to change? Was she not attractive before? I mean, I don't think you should have to change to fit his likes and dislikes. I know in a marriage you have to make comprimises but why make yourself over for him? If he can only love and care for you based on appearances, than something is truly wrong. I still vote for talking these things out because obviously he needs to be clued in. Again, if he cannot respect you I'm not sure if he can love you.

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Husband sounds like a pretentious a-hole. You need to put him in his place. Do not change for him. He KNOWS what he is doing. And honestly, its disgusting. Do not let this affect your self esteem what so ever.

 

How long has this been happening?

 

 

 

 

P.S:

 

My suggestion. Withhold sex.

 

Or maybe to bring it up to him, just as you are about to do the horizontal shuffle, put a garbage bag over your face and say to him, " I dont want you to look at me considering I am that ugly" Do it in a joking matter, which may then lead you into a discussion with him.

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What can I say? Men are dogs, sometimes.

 

I think he is being very mean spirited to say this. If he were my friend, and he said that in my presense, I would tell him to apologize. And he really has no business comparing you to other women. (I don't think there's any harm in his looking-- that's just a part of some dogs, er, guys.)

 

ave you spoken to him plainly and honestly about how this makes you feel? Don't be confrontational. Just state it as simply as you did here. At the very least, he needs to understand your feelings on this.

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I love him and I don't have any other reason to doubt his love for me. But i think if you love someone you find them attractive...i know i do. So what should i make of his low opinion of my appearance? Does it say something about his feelings for me in general?

 

So how do YOU feel about his comments?

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we all knows that he loves her, but at the same time her husband is kinda of a demanding guy, referring to what she said about he keep noticing other attractive ladies, so maybe he has comments about her look for example ! and still he didnt use the right way ! but after all, all of us have the right to comment about our committees looks !

got me ?

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He needs to be punished!! He needs you to tell him that he is ugly and that you don't love him. Just hearing the words should act as punishment enough for him to give up on this little game of his. He needs to get off the pot, if he is just waisting time with you. there are a lot of great guys who need your attention and will love you no matter what.

 

He has a low opinion of himself if he thinks that it is ok to treat someone this way.

 

Read the book: Women Who love too Much. It talks about emotional abuse, that is what his is doing to you. Don't let him do it.

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He has, apparently, always felt this way about me. It's only fairly recently that i learned about it.

 

We talk very openly and he knows how this hurts me. I understand that he's entitled to his opinion re. my looks. What i don't understand is how you can feel that way about someone you love. In my experience love makes you blind to a lot of your partner's flaws. Do other people find their partners unattractive and simply keep it to themselves? Or does love conquer ugliness in most cases?

 

And (here i go interpreting his behaviour again...) he seems to delight in his poor opinion of me. He periodically reminds me of how drop dead gorgeous his previous girlfriends were. He doesn't stick up for me when someone tells him how he "could have done a lot better". And he doesn't believe people who tell him he has a beautiful wife; he says they're just being polite. It's one thing to tell me i'm ugly but another to tell the whole world. Isn't it? We live in a very small community and i feel kind of odd knowing that everyone else knows that my husband finds me unattractive. How should i take this?

 

I've asked him what i can do to make myself more appealing but the list of requirements is loooong. And some things simply can't be changed (without major surgery and/or time-travel that is). It seems that the problem is fairly fundamental.

 

And i can't withhold sex; he doesn't want it!

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I definitely think love makes you blind to certain things, if it's real anyway. My ex has love handles and I think they're cute. No one is perfect, the goal should be to be happy, healthy and surrounded by loved ones. Please don't let his crass insensitivity effect you any more than it already has. As time passes all of us change physically. I understand that we sometimes have to work to keep our mates happy, but that shoud not include surgery or anything really drastic. Love should never be based on someone's appearance. He sounds like he enjoys putting you down and this could be a sign of his own insecurities. Sometimes women put up with way too much in the name of love. I don't know you but you have to be an absolute angel to put up with him, but girl don't make yourself a martyr.

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he could have told you all this before you were married- What a mean person!

 

You cannot go on taking his comments. Otherwise you will start to believe him.

 

He probably loves you in more of a friends type way. He enjoys conversation but is not attracted to you. This is probably why he doesn't want sex either.

 

But even if that is so, why does he have to rub it in your face that he finds other girls attractive and that you don't compare. Im sorry but that is downright mean and selfish and I feel it is bordering on emotional abuse. You cannot let it go on.

 

There are lots of things you can do:

 

1. I would definitely be bringing up penis size. Tell him he doesn't match up at all. Describe your ex's penis and how it satisfied you and how he just doesn't have the equipment. Buy yourself a really big dildo and use it in front of him and make noises that he has never heard before. Start making comment about men you see in the street such as "wow look at that bulge, I bet he is hung like a horse".

 

2. If he mentions your unattractiveness again i would be cutting him short. Tell him "why would you marry someone you are not attracted to, you must have really low self esteem". or better still, just tell him to shut up.

 

3. If you think some botox/ surgery would boost your self esteem go get some. Make him pay for it though. Then dump him afterwards.

 

4. Tell him you are not happy with your sex life as he is such a poor lover. Tell him you faked all your orgasms and that you are off to find someone better in bed.

 

Thats right. I have to say that I think you would be better off with somebody who actually appreciates you rather than somebody like him.

 

 

 

2.

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You know, I think this is one of the most insensitive things I've heard a man say. I don't think he truly loves you. When you love someone you don't want to hurt them on purpose. You overlook their flaws and think they're pointy ears are cute or their crooked smile is kinda charming.

 

What your husband is doing is abuse. No question about it. It is verbal abuse and he knows what he is doing. He even enjoys it.

 

You have a choice. If you stay with him I doubt that he will stop. This is probably going to continue until he has broken down every single bit of self-esteem you have left. Don't let him. You are worth so much more than he is giving you credit for. You don't have a problem--HE DOES.

 

I don't know but I would imagine that everyone who has heard these comments from him knows that he is wrong, but they are not going to say anything because they probably ask themselves why you are still with him. It's your choice.

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"Yeah, but why should she have to change? Was she not attractive before? I mean, I don't think you should have to change to fit his likes and dislikes"

 

why does she have to change?? she doesn't, and i never said she HAD to. BUt if this is really such a big problem, there needs to be a solution. EVERY problem has a solution. Her husband only thinks she is ugly because she doesn't fit his ideal--maybe there needs to be more communication so each understands what they expect of each other. I am not justifying what he said in any way--i do think is a rude and moronic thing to say. But to save a meaningful relatoinship, maybe some changes need to happen.

 

Taking revenge won't work. Telling him that his certain body parts aren't big enough won't work for sure.

 

Say if a girl said i was not good looking enough for her: i would ask her what she expected, and how i could fulfill that desire of hers. I wouldn't crawl on my hands and knees and kiss her feet...lol..but i would give what effort is reasonable to change.

 

HOpe this helps

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Why would someone say, "you are ugly and I am not attracted to you" to their "wife"? This is not the action of a loving partner. This is not the action of a spouse who wants to stay with you.

 

This is the action of an abusive person. Is he ever kind and loving toward you? How was he with you earlier in the relationship? How long has he been saying these evil things to you?

 

Why do you stay with him? Has something about him changed recently, like losing a job or a parent?

 

How much longer are you going to remain in this marriage? I would start to make alternative plans if I were subjected to this!

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I've asked him what i can do to make myself more appealing but the list of requirements is loooong. And some things simply can't be changed (without major surgery and/or time-travel that is). It seems that the problem is fairly fundamental.

 

And i can't withhold sex; he doesn't want it!

 

This is the most disgusting thread I've ever read here, and the fact that you're being so sweet and asking him how you can change is simply unbelievable to me.

 

Your husband is a jerk. I see other people here telling you how you can 'seek revenge' and what you can do to show him how much it hurts you, but I completely disagree with these things (respectively, lol).

 

I am going to give this to you straight - your husband has absolutely no consideration for your feelings. He knows exactly how much he's hurting you, believe me. And the way he's being pompous and proud that he's making you feel this way? He sounds like a saddistic, cruel human being who is actually getting off to seeing you unhappy. I would advise divorce in this case, and I'm usually all for married couples working it out, but I'm sorry - I have never seen a case like this, where a husband is literally going out of his way to cut you down physically. I'm sorry, but I don't believe that your husband loves you. Love doesn't work that way. Let's look back at these things and try to decide if you're in a "loving relationship":

 

1. Apparently, he's always found me unattractive. In fact wanted an unattractive partner so he wouldn't have to deal with the issues involved with pretty women ( ie. the interest of other men ).

 

2. He just shrugged his shoulders in a "what can i say" fashion.

 

3. In addition, he often stares at other women when we're out together. He also likes to comment on the attractiveness of women everywhere, be it real women in the street or actresses in movies.

 

4. knows how this hurts me.

 

5. And he seems to delight in his poor opinion of me.

 

6. He periodically reminds me of how drop dead gorgeous his previous girlfriends were.

 

7. He doesn't stick up for me when someone tells him how he "could have done a lot better". And he doesn't believe people who tell him he has a beautiful wife; he says they're just being polite.

 

8. I've asked him what i can do to make myself more appealing but the list of requirements is loooong.

 

9. And i can't withhold sex; he doesn't want it!

 

I've read some pretty unbelievable things here in my day, but I can honestly say that I've never witnessed such verbal abuse as I have today. You will not change this man, get him to find you attractive and tell you that you're beautiful. To me, he seems like a man of no honour, humility, repsect or heck - I'd even settle for humanity! When I read through this thread, I was literally disgusted.

 

Please don't even try to change the smallest little thing for this man. Why? He does NOT deserve it. He should never have married you in the first place, and mislead you into believing that you were desired. If you stay with this man, you will give him the ability to wear away at your self-respect and self-esteen so much that I fear you may never recover. Hold your head up high, tell him what a piece of garbage he is, and leave this marriage with some dignity before he beats it out of you.

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I'm not sure I can add anything to the other posts here but I find that the most unattractive thing in a person is someone who judges another person through feelings of insecurity in themselves. I am concerned that your husband himself is insecure, and I definitely think that if someone else was interested in you it would bring out all his insecurities.

 

Anyway I hope things work out as you want them to, but do not allow him to put you down.

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Hey,

 

just its not neccessarily true that her husband doesn't love her. Maybe he really does, but is just too demanding.

 

I think what I said about improving attactiveness has been misquoted and taken out of context. I only suggested that maybe the husband and wife in question don't understand each other and what each other want. However I never said that the wife should take radical steps to change her appearance, ect. If he wants her to have plastic surgery, that clearly goes to far.

 

But the reason I suggested what i suggested is that when i was younger people ALWAYS said i was ugly. Not just now and then , but ALL the time. So I decided that I would dramatically improve my appearance. I bought hundreds of new clothes at CHEAP prices (one doesn't have to spend a lot of money to look good..lol...i was very poor then)...and improved my self-confidence. Now no one says I am ugly. So I am not saying the wife has to take radical steps to change who she is. I only suggested that she ask him what he wants. If what he demands is unreasonable, I really don't know what advise I can give. SOrry.

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This is somewhat in response to what "drahcir" said, while I agree that she probably could make some small changes, the way that the husband is communicating to her is what really needs to be thrown out.

 

He is totally undercutting her in public, with friends, and she puts up with it.

 

Loving someone shouldn't be based upon appearances. He should be attracted to her for his own reasons and that can be based upon past and present circumstances.

 

But saying that he isn't attracted to her and has never been, that is what is upsetting to me. Why marry someone and then feel sorry for them? She doesn't need his pitty. She needs to find someone who will respect her for her good and bad qualities.

 

I have a feeling that some of this has been taken out of context, but it is still pretty unsettling; he feels as though "he could (and I think should) be doing better, but instead he is settling for his wife..."

 

This is a very unattractive attitude, which could be changed given different circumstances; but she needs to puts some changes together herself.

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Someone that truly loves you would never say things like that to you - and to do this to you in front of friends. It's not like those things can be taken any other way that hateful. And he knows it.

 

My ex husband was verbally abusive. He always called me fat (I was heavy before we married) and other things I'm not going to say here.

I didn't realize it at the time but he wasn't bothered by my size at all. He had his own self esteem issues and it made him feel better. The smaller I felt - the bigger he felt. Sick and twisted isn't it. It worked for him for 5 years. In that time I totally lost the person that I once was. I felt worthless. I hated myself and I think deep down I had begun to believe what my husband was saying. One day I finally had enough. I gathered up what little strength I had left and told him to get out. It was the best thing that I've ever done.

 

The point is, he may not be saying and doing these things because he really believes you to be unattractive.

 

Also as long as he can get away with it, it will continue. Don't change yourself just to please him. If you do that you are allowing him to manipulate you. Why would he stop this behavior if it got him results?

 

Don't allow yourself to be treated that way.

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My normally verbose self has just been rendered speechless.

 

Honey, get out of that emotionally abusive marriage as fast as you can! This man is malicious and delights in hurting you with his cruel remarks and behavior. Do not--I repeat, do NOT--ask him how you can change for him. He's the one who needs to change--but he needs some serious therapy in order to do it, and that's not your responsibility.

 

My heart aches for you, and for the damage this has obviously done--and will continue to do--to your psyche. You need to get out of this and salvage your dignity, self-esteem and self-worth before it's shattered beyond repair. Because if you continue to live with this man, it will be. Love yourself enough to know that you deserve much, much more.

 

(By the way, you should change your username! By calling yourself "uglypuss," you've allowed him to redefine who you are to the rest of the world. Don't do that! He's the one who is devastatingly ugly--inside.)

 

*hug*

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This is somewhat in response to what "drahcir" said, while I agree that she probably could make some small changes, the way that the husband is communicating to her is what really needs to be thrown out.

 

Of course, making changes based on love and wanting to please your partner is okay. However, I do not believe that her husband deserves any effort from her to change. He has done nothing but put her down and literally crush her self-esteem. I would do nothing for this man. Had he of expressed his concerns with me in a mature, respectful manner, I would probably have made an effort. The whole way he's gone about this is sick to me.

 

To be honest with you 'uglypuss' (try not to feed into his sick mind by agreeing with him), I think your husband may be deliberately acting this way to get you to divorce him. I'm not going to try and sugar-coat this situation because I don't see anything positive. There is no way that you are an ugly person, and although you probably won't believe it at this point, you are deserving of love, respect, and especially - someone who will treat you with these things!! Get out now before you look back as an old woman and wish you did. Life is too short and too precious to waste time on bottom-feeders like your husband.

 

Self-esteem issues on his part or not - gives him no right to treat you the way he does. Stick up for yourself!

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Now this is why women become lesbians. Men can be really insensitive sometimes without even realizing it and say very hurtful things. Your husband loves you, but I guess marriage can get to be a comfortable lifestyle, especially after 12 long years, and so tact flies right out the window.

 

Every person out there has the potential to be extremely attractive if they know how to fix themselves up. You should wear more makeup and have plastic surgery done on your breasts. You're not changing for him, your changing for yourself. Do what you want to do, because ultimately, it will bring you more confidence. And confidence is what is perceived as attractive.

 

Also, tell your husband that you didn't find him attractive when you first met him, but finding out how nice he is made him more handsome in your eyes. This is what I tell my boyfriend because he's really full of himself. It's the truth, anyway.

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