HIS MOM SNAPED AT ME AND HE TELLS ME TO IGNORE IT

It's hard for me to trust my boyfriend of one year. I don't know if any of you have had this problem, but the main reason (among other mundane issues) for my desire to break way from him is due to the way his family treats me. Brief Intro: He has a four year old son and we are in our early twenties. I go beyond the call of duty for his child. I am playful, sincere, and understanding to my boyfriend and his child.

I guess it wouldn't be such a tremendous problem that his mother vividly dislikes me, except that his reaction to her actions are that of a child. His mother is rude to me, for no particular reason, and my boyfriend fails to stick up for me.

For example, one time I was in the pool with his child for over an hour and my boyfriend was hanging around outside the pool; this is at his house. His mother slips into the pool and directs the child as follows, "Child Name, why don't you stop playing with Hannah (me) and spend some quality time with your Father (my boyfriend)." I was bewildered that she could be so unappreciative and rude to my face all at once. I waited for several to see if my boyfriend would stick up for me. He failed to, instead he mumbled something I could barely make out. So I took the courtesy to stand up for myself.

I guess instead, I wished he had stood up from where he was sitting back, and demanded his mother to apologize to me. Or acknowledge that her comment was unnecessary and rude.

That is only one example of the mom-and boyfriend dual I often deal with. I am a student, I study hard, and I am fair. In these situations I feel like my boyfriend is disrespecting me more than his rudely mannered mother, simply because he fails to demand respect for from others.

When I approach my boyfriend and confront him with how I feel and that I wish to end our relationship, he says I should ignore his mother the way he does. Is he actually right!? That's certainly not the way I was raised...

Any insight on this would be really appreciated. I'm really feeling lost and worthless.

Thank You.

If you were married, I'd be closer to agreeing with you. Since you're not, I'm not as close. Sooner or later, you reach a point where the couple has to stick up for each other even to each other's families. Not sure when you get there, but you are asking him to get in between your arguments with his mother. If he is not taking a side, early on in a relationship, it's a vote for you. Later on, it is a vote for her.

If the comment she made is as bad as she gets, then I would ignore it. It's not an insult, and his child should play with him more than you. He is the father. He needs to bond.

My ex boyfriend acted like a baby and his mom would always get into our business and it made me so mad. It was like we couldn't do anything without the approval of his mom. After awhile, I broke up with him because it was getting too much for me.

Your bf's mom may be doing this because she thinks that she'll lose her little boy now that he's in a relationship with you.

I know that it's hard to just ignore it because you don't have to be nice to his son, but you are because you care about him and anyone that he cares about as well.

You might need to think about if you can handle this or not. I decided that i couldn't handle it so i got out. It was still a rough break up (his mom called the cops on me for no reason) but i'm much happier away from them and with my new bf.

Pm me if you want to talk more...

Beec I am a little unclear in what you said:

"If he is not taking a side, early on in a relationship, it's a vote for you. Later on, it is a vote for her."

So, you mean to say that since he is not sticking up for me now (while it may be a vote for me presently), later on in our future ( ) he will stick up for his mother (a vote for her)?

kauaiangirl83: Thanx for showing me that you're out of that relationship. For a week now I have been desperately trying to break up with him. You know, he considers stickin up for me to be "fighting" with his mom. In the past I had already explained to him, numerously, that "fighting" is not necessary, that there is a civil manner in which he can ask his mother, on the spot when she says something rude, to apologize to me, etc. While he still says he won't ask her to do that (because apparently she'll get hysterical- which is not my problem) he INSISTS on staying with me! I can't even do cold turkey with him. He just cries, then I feel bad, but then I know in my heart that a lifetime with him (and his mother) is a lifetime of discomfort beyond belief. I guess I should head on over to "Breaking Up?" Thought i'd ask you before I joined them....since you've been there, done that... Thank you

Hannah

Hi Hannah, it sounds like you already know what to do, as hard as it is to break up with someone. (I felt realllly guilty breaking up with my first bf.) But this situation sounds unacceptable. His mom is being disrespectful to you, I agree, and he's not helping you out by doing nothing. If he's not standing up for you now, I seriously wonder if he would bother sticking up for you ever.

Hey Hannah,

Trust me, you'll be happier in the long run. I know that it's so not easy to break up with anyone, but with time you will heal. Be strong. When i was in the same situation, my friends were totally there to help me. They reminded me that my happiness was not being achieved because his mom was always getting in the way and even when i asked him to "stick up for me" he wouldn't and I realized that he wasn't going to change and that meant things weren't going to change. So stay strong...you can email me if you wanna talk or whatever at email removed...

Beec I am a little unclear in what you said:

 

"If he is not taking a side, early on in a relationship, it's a vote for you. Later on, it is a vote for her."

 

So, you mean to say that since he is not sticking up for me now (while it may be a vote for me presently), later on in our future ( ) he will stick up for his mother (a vote for her)?

 

I mean to say that in the earlier aspects of a relationship, you cannot expect him to argue with his Mom. It is fighting to some extent to correct your mother. When he stays out of your argument with his mother in the early parts of a relationship, it is a definite vote for you. He continues with the relationship and ignores her comments, while staying out of the argument.

I've been there and stayed out of the arguments when all were present, then tried to get my mother to stop while no one else was there. She wouldn't, but I tried.

Later on, especially after you are married, he should stick up for you.

In the middle is a gray area. But the thing is, it is a rare thing before marriage to pick that fight with Mom when you are there. If I got into it with my mother about this, it would be while you were not there. Just me and Mom.

And as I said before, I don't see that the comment she made was so nasty. Nice, no, a true insult is was not either.

Beec:

I guess the thing is that it happens(ed) quite often. It got almost unbearable when she slammed the sliding door in my face (with guests in her house). There was no reason for her to be upset with me, but she was. And this is not my clouded judgement (i was actually told she was peeved with me- later later on it turned out to be "PMS"), a week later I returned to her house (trying to be a good sport, actually having had had your mentality about the whole mother-son relationship before marriage, etc) and when I said "hello" to her (attempting to patch "things" up, WHICH I HAD NO IDEA WHAT HER ISSUES WERE- EXCEPT THAT SHE DIDN'T LIKE ME) she turned her back to me and stalked off. I am a student at a university, adults have always been polite to me, my parents have always been polite, this was a FIRST! My boyfriend and I left then, I told him that I didn't want him to stick up for me right then and there because he had explained to me that she gets hysterical and he'd get embarrased...

But then things just started to go down hill from there, while in the past he would acknowledge her rude comments to me, in the last 3-4 months he simply pretends like nothing was said. There no longer was taking me aside and apologizing to me or telling me not to worry (because I was obviously being singled out.) It got so ridiculous that he even began to DENY it. I am not paranoid, I don't have time for myself to focus on the tid bits of his mother, so the things I notice are sincerely obvious and meant to hurt me.

Lately, he had resorted to saying things along the lines of "i don't understand this war you have with my mother, etc." I DON'T HAVE A WAR. When I confronted him about all this, he ADMITTED, get this, he admitted he just didn't think what the big deal is when his mom snaps at me and is mean. He makes me feel like i'm the one with the problem by adding, "I (my boyfriend) just dont like to live a life of turmoil." This I couldn't believe, so not only was I supposed to deal with the putdowns from his mom, but I was supposed to think there was something WRONG with me for feeling hurt or wanting him to reassure me (or atleast see eye-to-eye with me) on the sideline (notice at this point in our relationship i was fully aware that defending me in her face was out of the question).

Do you still stand by what you said Beec, having heard this? I am so confused.... Does what I say change your view or are the same standards still held?

Thank you Beec, you analysis is very intriguing and makes me think.

Thank you to all the rest of you so far who have written in support.

If he is ignoring the fact that it happens, then that I see is different than deciding not to become involved.

I've choosen to stay out of the middle, where I got stuck anyway. And when out of the presense of others told my other to stay in line. Never acted like it was not an issue. I can see him telling you that he does not want to be in the middle and keeping his mouth shut, but not telling you nothing happened, if she is mean to you.

But my question is what do you want. If you want an excsue to dump him, then you should do it.

If you want him to at least acknowledge the problem and try to figure out the standards by which he should measure his behavior, that's a different story. I can see him trying to stay out of the line of fire for his life, but in that case, I would see you wanting to do the same and jsut staying away from his mother and family, if need be.

So my question is that other than dumping him, how do you change his behavior and how do you get his mother to stop throwing barbs. Not an easy thing. But I think it begins with not being with his family some. I'm thinking about this, because the whole key to him doing it is to make him want to do it.

Yeah, you're right. I know... It's just so much work. But I'll keep trying.

The one thing I don't see helping here is a confrontation with his mother.

But that's the boyfriend's whole point. He doesn't want confrontations. His mom has split personality. One moment she's my biggest enemy with her rudely unbelievable comments, the other moment she is my best friend. So when I did one time (with the boyfriend) attempt to confront her all she said was "I want peace among everyone" and that she was just 'joking hon' et cetera." So, she's definetly not a confrontable individual because frankly, she's fake in many regards. She knows what she is doing is wrong but is clever enough to manuever her way around exposure.

The one thing I don't see helping here is a confrontation with his mother.

In my last reply I thought you said "happening" instead of "helping." Well, that changes things: Yeah, I'm going to have to agree with you. A confrontation with her didn't help ANYTHING. In fact, she got progresesively worse. So what am I supposed to do? Be a good girl and take it like a woman? I do dislike her soooo much! My solution to all this was simply to stay AWAY from the rotten situation. But one time when I did that for an extended period of time, the B-friend got offended... They are a strickly socializing family. They throw get-togethers all the time and EVERYONE is expected to be there, including me (however unliked I am).

My point is that you getting into any confrontation with her is not going to help. All it will do is put him between you complaining about her and her complaining about you. How much will he enjoy that? Not much. What will it get you? Nothing good.

I agree. I've been trying to think about this lately and I believe that the only reason why I want a confrontation between his mom and him is due to the following reason:

In the beginning of our relationship his mom would say outrageous things like don't hug infront of so-and-so, but when she would say these things they would be against the BOTH of us, not just singling me out. AND whent that would happen, the b-friend would grab me and hug me and apologize for her rudeness. When this would happen I was 110% confident in my boyfriend's loyal support towards myself. Often I had begun to think of her comments as immaturely hilarious (while still rude). The need for him to her then was never introduced as a requrement for me then.

Recently, in the past 4-5 months, his mom will say outrageous things directed only to be, often in a way that 'sticks up for her son' or something. These times I feel completely singled out. And instead of grabbing me and hugging me to apologize or simply to acknowledge what was said, the b-friend ignores it and later denies it. I now feel like I have zero support from him. I also now find her comments threatening and as a result of all these new conditions have had the need for him to vulgerly stick up for me, even vocally demand respect for me from his mom.

EVERYTIME I bring this up, he gets very annoyed. I've been with him for a year and have had my share of mistakes (calling the ex-of three years). However, I have done everything in my power to redeem myself and have hoped for his understanding at most times (I began dating the b-friend a month after i ended a three year relationship- at the time I thought I was recovered, et cetera). This is the mistake and the only mistake I have made in this relationship and it was a long time ago.

Whether he has not gotten over it and secretly enjoys his mom treating me fouly or not is a question that I can't seem to answer.

I guess I'm just trying to put forth a qualified amount of effort before I call it quits. He knows I am a part of a forum and is disgusted by the idea of it. However, the way I look at it is that I am attempting to seek help.

 

Whether he has not gotten over it and secretly enjoys his mom treating me fouly or not is a question that I can't seem to answer.

 

I guess I'm just trying to put forth a qualified amount of effort before I call it quits. He knows I am a part of a forum and is disgusted by the idea of it. However, the way I look at it is that I am attempting to seek help.

The other thing that is not going to work is you continuing to complain about it. The squeaky wheel does not get the grease in a relationship, most of the time. The more you complained about it, the more I, if I were in his shoes, would not want to listen to it. How do you expect him to control his mother? How many people can ever do that? So, you need to find another way, if you want to think you are putting in any real effort.

What the other way should be? Not quite sure. In such cirsumstances, I usaully fall back on my idea about why we go for who we go for. We go for those who give us emotional fulfillment, in intervals, while reaminaing aloof and independent. (Your complaining to get him to do whatever in support of you is not aloof and independent, you are being the opposite, needy and clingy.) We become addicted to those who meet our emotional needs, adn we will decide to go for them. The free principles on link removed say this in a similar manner. The way to get what you want from him is to give and withdraw, give and withdraw. If you give and make him happy, then withdraw upon her doing this. (Not immediately.) You'll have a much better chance. How you orchestrate that is a different story.

That's really interesting. Yes, I can be a bit needy at times. I constantly want to talk about the relationship quarks, a lot..... Gee.... I'll look up the website you gave me. Maybe it'll be helpful. I'll try it out and fill you in on how its working. Now that I think about it (which I dont really like to even think of myself as needy) I believe I used to always label myself as "high-maintance," in many of my past relationships. EEEke!! I'm going to think about this concept for a while...!

Thanx Beec, I don't like the sound of most of the things you say, but i'm simply guessing its because the truth hurts. Maybe, i'm the problem? It's still sort of hard for me to grasp that...but I can sort of see. Thanx again.

I doubt ytou are the whole problem. But when you want your boyfriend to stick his neck out, then he needs to be motivated. When he sticks his neck out, he is paying more. So of course, he might want to be getting more. IN a sense, if you give more, he will pay more. But don't give all the time, or you might be taken for granted.

im sorry, mabye i dont have the whole picture, but what your boyfriends mother said doesnt even sound that rude. Mabye have some compassion and empathy for where she stands and you will see it in a different light. No offence but mabye she doesnt realize what she is doing, and by demanding an apology you probably made the situation worse.

yeah maybe