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Dumpees who sent a letter to thier ex - what was the result?


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Just wondering about what was the result of sending a letter to your ex who dumped you. Whether you sent it for closure, to get him/her back, etc.

 

Did most of you get no response, or a negative response, or a pleasant response?

 

Just wondering because i'm still contemplating on whether or not to send one.

 

Thanks.

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Hey herewegoagain,

That's a good question.

I sent an email about four months after we split, supposedly for closure, but there was a part of me that wanted him to reply and tell me how much he missed me, blah...blah...blah. Of course it didn't happen. I sent it but got nothing. No apology for his mistakes (I had apologised for mine), not a how are you? Nothing. But that is probably a good thing, if he had of replied I would have had hope and that way I realized that there was none. At least not then. I still have heard nothing, sent his son a b'day card and did not get any kind of a reply to that either. So I guess when it's over, it's really over with him. 0X

Good luck to you if you decide to send one.

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I received the following response, "I need time to digest your letter but thanks you for all the wonderful things you said." I am not sure if that counts as positive or negative.

 

We broke up because she felt I didn't love her in that and that I would never marry her.

 

That was 6 months ago. In the letter I told her otherwise and reinforced that she was the girl I could spend my life with, I admitted my mistakes and faults, told her how and why I was working on them and how we might try to overcome the hurdles that harmed our past relationship.

 

I waited two months to send her the letter. We are still not back together. We talk everyday and spend lots of time together. She started inviting me to family events and we go to lunch every weekday, etc. She will even bring up the idea of us together in the future. For my situation the letter was something she needed to hear (or see) to help her understand how I really feel about her. Oh and she never started dating anyone else after the break up, there was not a period of no contact and we chose to really remain friends from the first day of the break up. So for me this seems to have been a positive experience…..hope that this helps.

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I dont think it's a good idea to send a letter to an ex. Nine out of ten times you'll get no response, sending you deeper in pain. If they do respond, it's usually not the response you are looking for. Even if it's pleasant, it's not what you really want to hear---that they want you back. It will only leave you hanging, hoping for more.

If you just want to spout off and really want to close the door, then send a letter (though you might regret what you said after you send it). But if your goal is to possibly get that person back, the best route is No Contact.

Instead of writing that letter, go out and do something good for yourself. Work on yourself during No Contact and the time will go faster and be more rewarding.

By the way, when my ex broke up with me, I sent a couple of letters and never got a response back. I felt worse after I sent them. It was when I stopped bothering and did No Contact, he came looking for me.

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If you do send a letter, I would say dont be accusatory or blaming----I don't think those type of letters ever work. Maybe it worked for Napman cause he was positive. It's hard to stay positive though if the relationship ended on a sour note and you really want to tell the ex off!! If that is the case, then don't send it.

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Michelemybell - I already have the letter written, and it basically says that I don't appreciate what she has done, but no hard feelings, etc. i'm trying to be very nice but honest. I don't want to be mean and burn any more bridges. I even give her some compliments.

 

Also, I already know she will not respond, but the letter is really just for me.

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Herewegoagain-

 

Yeah I figured I am the exception rather then the rule. That is why I tried to give some background information rather then just telling you to send the letter. The only thing I guess I can tell you from my experience is that I wrote several different letters. I wrote some angry ones, some pleading ones and some positive ones. I kept the pleading and angry ones to myself and only sent the one that was positive (as Michelemybell said) and did not address any negative feelings I had about her from the break-up. Sorry I couldn't be more help. Hope that whatever decision you make works out for you in the end.

 

Nap

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herewegoagain,

I sent letters like that myself, thinking that I wanted to end it but really I wanted some kind of response. I mean, why else would you want to send it then? And honestly, I think your ex might get a kick knowing that it still bothers you enough to send a letter.

If I could do one thing different after my breakup, it would've been where I didn't send any letters and went into no contact right off the bat. I wasted a lot of time and emotion on those letters.

I know you're tempted to send it, but wait a couple days on it. You might feel differently.

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herewegoagain, I'm one of those people who sent a letter to my ex, but it was about one specific thing. Well, one thing that basically was typical of our whole relationship. I'm glad I sent it.

 

After we broke up, he had told some people some stuff about us that tried to get him support and sympathy, and someone told me about it. Essentially he lied, so I wrote him to make him accountable for that. My letter was firm but not nasty. I had to stand up to him and call him on his actions. Since none of our friends really knew what to believe, I was the one who had to hold him responsible.

 

He reacted swiftly by writing me a denial and justifying all his actions. So typical!

 

I can honestly say that I'm glad I sent it. He did many questionable things when we were going out that I accepted because I loved him, but I couldn't stand to let them go unsaid after the break-up. I wouldn't have written a letter to express everything, but getting a few things out in the open sure didn't hurt. In my view, it was telling the truth, and not sugercoating his behavior -- or my feelings -- anymore.

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When we first broke up I wrote a couple letters. Neither of them were accusatory, they would talk about how I felt, but also about kind of an "autopsy" of the situation.

 

He received the letters, delivered by hand, and since we were in contact we talked about them. For my letters, he thanked me, really appreciated some of the inisight they had and realized I was insightful rather than just emotional lol (these were about some of the things I thought might be going on with him), and wanted to keep them too - I assume to read again one day. We talked the letters over after he had read them, adding his own input (none angry, sometimes just agreement/disagreement, or sometimes some explanation).

 

I don't regret giving them to him, because it is done, and because it helped us talk through some things more calmy and thoroughly, and I know it did give him some ideas on what was going on with him too, that otherwise may have taken him a very long time to figure out. He still needs to solve them, but still.

 

The letters did not make us come back together or anything, and I am still unsure that will ever happen, but they did help us both to open up the communication a bit after the breakup. My situation is a bit different though perhaps than many.

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I wrote a letter days after my ex broke up with me a year or so ago, i needed to get out everything i was feeling about her. I'd never been in a serious relationship like that one, never been on a relationship site or taken advice on relationships etc before (so i was inexperienced), but instinctively i wrote a letter, BUT i didn't give it....

 

Instead i remembered what i said in it, saw her face to face, and told her everything (this was only 5 days after the break up), d'oh . The result? She said she'll think about it, and it pretty finished anything that was left in between us.

 

I kept chasing, basically repeating myself on msn im's, but i could feel it was pointless.

 

More recently, i broke with my ex a few months ago. She wrote me a letter, 4 pages long, handrwitten and said... well you can guess. Her reminiscing and in-depth descriptions of her feelings for me only pushed me away more- it only made me more sure i didn't want that happiness anymore, and in a selfish way i also thought to myself she was still into me so i could go out and have fun and she'll always be there for me if im feeling lonely.

 

unfortunately thats how most dumpers think. If she had not given me the letter, not cried when i told her it was over face to face, and had lived her own life, i probably would have ran back to her. My ex a few years ago would have ran back to me . And thats what i regret the most, really really regret.

 

So, i now preach that no contact is the way forward from that very moment you are dumped, and so is a smile every time you see them from that moment on. If you are going to write a letter, say you agree to what ever they said (you must agree), and maybe a break up is for the best. If not then get in touch, but until then have a good life .

 

Exceptions of course are if they dumped because of personal problems, family etc.

 

Good luck

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vfunkera -

 

My letter basically says thanks for all the memories, and i know we now have to move on in our separate lives, etc. But i also say that if she ever wants to talk about us again, to let me know. Or if she just needs a friend to talk to, etc.

 

So I basically said goodbye, but left the door open for her to contact me someday. Although, I do not expect any response from her. If I send it, I will never contact her again, I will do NC forever.

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I never sent a letter to my ex, although I did think about it. However, I did call her after 3 weeks of No Contact to explain how I wasn't angry with her, and I did understand her reasons for wanting to be single while she was still young. I also let her know that should she have any regrets, or want to talk about us, then she should give me a call.

 

I am glad that I did this, as it took a lot of pressure off my shoulders. I feel relieved that she knows how I feel about her, and I don't have any hard feelings. She also knows that the door is open slightly if she ever wants to try again. However, she also knows that I will be moving on in my life and if she leaves it too long I may well have moved on for real.

 

So in my case, calling her and telling her these things helped me. But I am not sure I would have done this had she run straight to another guy, like in your case herewegoagain. That would have hurt me so much that I wouldn't care about sending her a letter like the one you have wrote. I wouldn't want to keep the door open for any future reconciliation.

 

Noone can tell you whether or not to send it. That is up to you. I just thought I'd share my story with you...hopefully it helped a little.

 

Good luck,

 

Rich

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Vfunkera (or anyone else) What's your opinion on this?

 

I was reflecting today about sending the letter, and I've come to the realization that a big reason why i want to send the letter was to let her know that I am moving on, but would still talk to her if she ever decides to contact me and talk about things.

 

The reason I want to let her know that the door is open, is because i think that she thinks that I would never go back with her after the crappy things she has done. I want to let her know that I still would. Does that make sense? Is that a bad reason to send a letter?

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Rich - good point about "taking the pressure off your shoulders" That's a reason I want to send it.

 

Also, I'm actually not quite sure I would take her back since she went straight to another guy, but it sure would be nice to have that option. Again, i just want to let her know that the door is slightly open - Just as you said.

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Rich - good point about "taking the pressure off your shoulders" That's a reason I want to send it.

 

Also, I'm actually not quite sure I would take her back since she went straight to another guy, but it sure would be nice to have that option. Again, i just want to let her know that the door is slightly open - Just as you said.

Well it sounds like you are feeling the same as I did about 2 weeks ago. It set me back for a couple of days after I spoke to her, but I also felt very relieved. It sounds like you have made your mind up. Sometimes people are quick to say "Don't send it" and a lot of the time they are right. But as long as it isn't a needy or clingy letter then I see no reason not to send it if you are positive that it will make YOU feel better.

 

You sound like you know what you are doing, and you are clear about the reasons for sending it, so good luck with whatever you choose to do.

 

Rich

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- herewegoagain

 

I'd say that if you'd like to win her back you should NOT send the letter.

 

That's what most people told me when I inquired the same thing regarding my ex (including her sister and other people that knew her pretty well).

 

Well, I went and sent it anyway...

 

The reason I did was that in my 'analysis' our relationship had suffered from poor communication, and I felt like being completely honest with her for one final time. I sent the letter after we'd been broken up for 7 months.

 

I felt fatigued at that point because of our continued limbo - with her wanting neither to re-commit nor say the final "goodbye". That limbo was killing me slowly, and I wanted to close the door and put up a proper 'tombstone' of our relationship.

 

It was a selfish thing to do, and possibly somewhat arrogant, but I really thought that my insights in what went wrong between us could benefit her as well. Maybe not now, but later on when she dusts it off and re-read it, which I'm pretty sure she will.

 

She thanked me for the letter and said that it made her feel sad and happy. She also said that the letter expressed pretty much excactly how she felt, which is a bit odd as she obviously concluded something else than me - based on these same emotions.

 

This is getting a bit long, and so was the letter to my ex, but I'll tell you this, herewegoagain: whatever you decide to do, it's gotta be something that you will be proud of in a couple of years time.

 

thereforeeee I'll advise you to be as positive as you can and refrain from even the slightest of blame and accusations - if you send the letter. Otherwise it will probably bother you later on.

 

I don't think it's a good idea to let her know that your door is slightly open. She'll know how to reach you if she has a change of heart.

 

I think that my sending the letter was both good and bad. Good because I got to thank her and say some nice things that she is more than welcome to cherish forever, and because it made me feel good about myself. It gave me peace of mind.

And bad because it most likely drove her further away as she received all these words she didn't know how to respond to.

 

Hope this helped a bit, and I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide.

 

Quintana.

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I don't think it's a good idea to let her know that your door is slightly open. She'll know how to reach you if she has a change of heart.

I understand what you are saying, but I disagree with the sentence above. If you don't let her know that the door is slightly open, then she is far less likely to contact you should she ever have this change of heart. Only my opinion of course, and each situation is different. I am glad that I told her that "my door is slightly open," as I am now more confident that she'll contact me if she needs to. If I hadn't told her that, then I would always be thinking that she might have wanted to contact me to try again, but she was scared to do so in case I had drawn a complete line under the relationship.

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- Rich46

 

I understand what you're saying, and I can relate as I often ponder this same thing. If my being so absolute is making her 'shy' of ever contacting me again.

But, I did it primarily for myself. I gave me some needed self-respect to end things the way I did.

 

I guess it's a matter of how you write it. If you actually write that "my door is slightly open" it can very easily come accross as begging, can't it?

 

But if you tell her in the letter that you love her, that you cherish the time you had together, but that at the same time you respect her decision, then the door isn't completely closed.

 

Only, it's up to her to come knocking on your door, should she ever have a change of heart.

 

Quintana

 

PS: I'm writing this in a hurry, but I hope it makes some sense!

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My ex broke up with me over the phone. I sent one short email to him the night after the breakup telling him 'we' needed to open up in a relationship, not particularly our relationship but the ones that we will have in the future. No begging, no pleading, no blaiming, just a plain simple email. He didn't reply. He was much more open when we had a closure talk in person though. It implied that he read it but just didn't want to respond.

 

A few days later, I felt the urge to send another email to tell him that I loved him, so that I could close the deal and move on. I almost sent it out but didn't. A couple hours after I wrote that email, I came back to read it and realized that it was too emotional and would not do any good or make the situation better. So, now I am back to being me, happy and look forward to something else in my life. It has been a week since we broke up. I would still be devastated if I sent the 2nd email out. I am glad I didn't send it.

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