A Good Father

I lived at Philippines for 9 years with my mother. My father was in America during those 9 years working and living at mother's sister's apartment. He's Ilocano. I never really knew the guy, except the time he went on vacation and visited us in Philippines. He looked quiet and relaxed the first time I met him, but was still a stranger to me. He went back and after a year from his visit, we earned enough money to go to America. We lived in a 2 bedroom apartment and at that time my sister and I understood what kind of parent he is.

He was an authoritarian, the kind that values strict discipline with no questions asked. Once he puts out the word, we have to obey without questions. Once his mind is set on something, it would take a hell of a lot of convincing to make him even question his own faults in his reasoning in which he lacks of. My sister and I were afraid of him, even my mother. We were afraid of getting hit by some person we hardly even know. Over the years, my sister and I have built up a locked door towards our father.

That door is pretty much locked till this day. Once in awhile, it would unlock and seem to open, but whatever we do, whatever we say, he manages to lock it back again. I'm now 20 years old, my sister is 18 and I still feel that he is still a stranger. I have tried to warm up to him because I know he will never try too. Every time I try too, he just does something that pisses me off. I cannot even talk to him without him criticizing, mocking, and raising his voice on me. In-fact, he won't let me talk to him at all without him making me feel like crap. Even if he does have something to say, it usually consists of him yelling and pointing his fingers, because to him, for everything that happens wrong, it's either mine or my sister's fault. The blame automatically points to us because he bases his conclusions on the fact that we're his kids and we're not good enough, thereforeeee putting the blame on us gives him a reason to erupt his volcanic head on his children so that he can remind himself and US how horrible we are.

My father is a hot-headed person and I've really gotten to understand his mentality. He fails to understand that we're mature young adults now and needs to ask himself how can you respect someone that doesn't respect you? The respect we have for him today is based on our fears that he instilled when we were young. At age 20, I have to protect my sister from my father and I have to protect myself from him as well. My sister and my father can't be in the same room for it will surely and most likely involve physical violence. I guess to him, yelling and spanking isn't enough anymore and for that reason he has to result in punching. I'm bigger than my father. I can overpower him easily. There are several incidents where he has punched me and I always choose to not fight back. I don't want to stoop down to his level for one day, when he's living in a health care home; he will regret everything he did to us and he will realize that I never held up my fist against him which makes me a better person than he is. Today, we just got into an argument which resulted in violence. I went down and said we both really need to talk. Acting immature and ignorant he beat me till I was in my room, refusing to listen to anything that will potentially patch things up. My first priority is to move out of this house so I can no longer see his face. I am ashamed of my father; I'm ashamed that his blood runs through mine. When I have kids of my own, I'm going to be someone that he has never been, a good father.

Sorry if the Rant was too long. I just found this forum and felt that it'd be a great place to take the load off my chest.

Sounds like there is on-going physical violence...that means you could choose to get the authorities involved, press assault charges, etc. I can understand if you don't want to do this because of the consequences if you do.

Is there any way you and your sister could move out? Maybe relatives or friends or get an apartment together? Right now, I think the main thing you need to focus on is getting out of that house before it gets any worse.

Some people are just toxic and the best thing we can do is remove them from our lives. Just because someone is related to you DOES NOT give them the right to treat you badly. If anything, relatives need to be held to a higher standard of behavior than strangers. I can't believe some of the things people will turn a blind eye to or accept because the person behaving badly is family. That's not an excuse.

I have not so much as spoken to my parents in 6 years due to a long history of verbal abuse. The final straw was when my mother finally snapped and accused me of a variety of things including Satan worship and breaking into their house and stealing things to support my "cult" (just to name a few) while my father (who knows better) stood by and watched and just let her skewer me. It's been strangely liberating, and I gotta say my life is better and less stressful without them in it. I no longer have to constantly hear what I'm doing wrong, how messed up I am, how I'm just not right about anything..blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

While I can understand the desire to have a better relationship with one's parents, the fact of the matter is sometimes that's just not possible, and the healthy thing to do is cut off all contact.

Right now, you need to focus on your own well-being and sanity (and your sister's) and do what you need to do so you will both be safe and able to live in peace.

best of luck to you,

~s2s

Hello there,

I am sorry that you are going through this. I know how you feel. I do hope that you and your sister are able to move out of there soon. You do have strength of character because as you say you are a better man because you do not want to resort to violence.

You should try to get some help through abuse crisis or abuse hotline. There are support groups and counseling available for people who are going through this sort of thing.

It took me about 6 months of counseling to understand why my father had not been there for my sibblings and me when we were growing up. No one had showed him how to be a father. His own father had abandoned him (to work) when he was 9 years old. He would only come to collect my fathers pay every few weeks. My father slept on the floor of a barn, hardly ate and had nothing to cover himself with during winter. This was his childhood. As an adult he was ill equipped to be a father. He made some bad choices of which he is responsible, but others he made were simply based on his own (lack of )experience. Through therapy I was able to see him as a hurt and miserable child. My sibblings and I, who resented him, are now trying to understand him and forgive.

I hope that you can get some help so that you can deal with this situation. You shouldn't have to go through it alone.

You will also find support here.

My comments are along the same lines as Muneca. First of all, there are many family/adolescent hotlines and service organizations who can hook you up with counseling, shelter, and other resources, and that would be the best place to start. The yellow pages, a local church or the local police station would be places to look for information about such services.

Your father has learned to lock down his emotions as a means to cope, for a number of reasons, very likely because he came to this country as an immigrant and had to discipline himself to swallow a lot in order to establish himself here. Pushing down your emotions inevitably results in explosions. I don't say these things to condone his behavior, only to provide some insight so that you don't blame yourself and can get some healing. Good luck.