Fatherless Daughter Needs Advice

Hi, I'm new to this and I'm hoping to get some input. I am a 21 year old single child and I have never known my father. I don't have a name, a picture, or a clue about who he is or how my mother became pregnant. I asked my mother about him once when I was 7 or 8 years old. I asked if he lived nearby, and to the best of my recollection, she said yes. I then asked if we could go see him sometime, and she said "maybe" or "we'll see." Nothing more has ever been said about him by either of us. When I was nine, she met the man who is now my step-father. For a long time he was not the greatest of father figures, although now we have a better relationship. I'm not a psychologist, but I wonder if the initial lack of a male influence and then a not so wonderful father figure could be a contributor to why I now have trust issues with men. At 21, I have never been in a committed relationship. I learned to do things on my own from the very beginning without a guy, and it's really hard to open up and let one into every aspect of my life now, althought that's what I want more than anything to do.

For many years now I have wanted to ask my mother more, but I haven't been able to work up the courage. I don't want to risk the relationship with her and my step-father, because they're the only family I've got left. I feel a need to know who my father is or was and to meet him if that's even possible. I want to know where the other half of me is from, and where these hazel eyes of mine come from when I'm surrounded by baby blues on my mother's side. I want to know if I have brothers, sisters, or other family out there. I want to be able to say the word "Dad" and be referring to my own.

So, what I'm not sure about is how to approach my mother. I don't know if she'll freak out and run out (which wouldn't surprise me) or not tell the whole truth. Maybe she will tell me everything. I guess I should just be prepared for anything.

I heard on a soap opera not too long ago: "The truth about the past shouldn't be hidden - not from those whose presense it creates." Just a closing thought. Any input at all is appreciated. Thanks for the opportunity to get this out.

I would sit down and tell her exactly what you told us. Tell her WHY you would like to find your birth father and what it means to you. Reassure her that it has nothing to do with her as a mother and you have no intention of hurting your step-father. Tell her how important this is to you and hopefully she will open up.

If she says she needs to think about it - let her think about it for a week or so. She may not have thought about him for a long time and there may be some painful memories for her associated with him.

I'm very glad you are seeking out your birth father. I hope in my heart of hearts that you two have a successful reunion.

You know, you may have trust issues due to your father. I had many of them, but it doesnt really seem to bad, cause you can work on it and i wasnt in a serious relationship until 22 years old. So in its own time it will come your way--probably when you are ready for it---. I think it is completely justified and fair for you to want to see your father. Your mother might not want to tell you, but you are an adult and there are other methods of finding out without her consent. Try looking for your birth certificate of some records of the like. It might seem dishonest, only if you dont ask her first. Personally I think you have every right. You may not like what you see and mabye your mom is protecting you.... But I think its only fair for you to know for yourself.

Hi, I'm 23 & 2 weeks ago my mum finally told me who my father was..

Your post pretty much mirrors a post I made a couple of months ago.. i.e. not knowing where my features came from etc. Well my mum came for a visit & finally caved to my probing & told me who he was.. For example all I wanted for my 21st was to meet my "dad" & call him that.. turns out he was there - I just didn't know it then.. My discussion with my mum presented some ugly truths that needed to be said, and in the end resolved those truths and more..

The bombshell for me was what am I going to do now that I know?! In a way her telling me "joined some dots" (as I'd known him all my life - but not as my "father"), but at the same time raised even more questions that I was by no means ready to tackle. But now, 2 weeks later, I'm trying to convince myself that his role in my life was a minor contribution to who (& in most respects what) I am today. Fortunately for me, I have had consistent strong male role models in my life, so I feel I can't relate in that regard. But at the same time I have trust issues in general, but I think it was more so derived from my mothers keeping such a huge secret from me - more than anything else.

While I can really sympathise with your situation, I suggest you question how the revelation may impact on your life.. others around you aswell - but more importantly your life! From someone whos recently experienced a plight similar to yours I believe it is your right to know where your hazel coloured eyes come from!! (my particular feature was my darker toned skin..lol)

Good luck & i hope it all works out for you.. Thanks, & hope it wasn't too long..