new here.... and need advice badly

I'm 33 and male. separated from my wife since January. I met a girl who is 30 and divorced and we started dating right after I split with my wife. Well I fell totally in love with her. And we hit it off great.. The best sex of my life and hers so she says. And that it was so much more than sex. We feel so comfortable together, like we have known each other for our whole lives. Theres no insecurity with each other and we were able to share all of our darkest and saddest thoughts and experiences.

Time went on and I began to feel that she was hitting a boundary, and she agreed that she has walls up to keep her heart safe. So we went around this issue. Many times I decided to walk away but try as I did I was not able to do it. She would call or I would and ww would end up back in the same spot. Me with huge feelings and her being skeptical, etc. So we decided that we had moved so quick and that she just could not deal with me being in love with her as much as I am but that she wanted to keep it there because she feels something that she hasn't felt with anyone. So we did this. Now understand since my seperation and that i have filed for divorce I am fnacially wrecked. Moved in with my brother and am trying to find a new job..

So we agreed to slow down and we did. We spent quality time together on dates and she had changed.. She became much more affectionate and closer. Then I went away for a few weeks with the military and we were both so homesick. And we agreed that things were finally progressing the way they should be. So I got back a few weeks ago and we went out, spent a few nghts together, had some drinks and dinner with friends. All seemed well. The out of the blue she tells me that we cannot see each other anymore.. For a few months anyway. SO I see shes back at the whole boundary thing again and she starts to cry, so do I and i'm so devastated because shes not budgig on this. So we go round and round crying and talking and she says tyhat she is not ready to be in love and that she loves me but isn't in love with me and that it is because she has these walls up that she cannot control and that she needs me to give her time to sort all of this out alobe, away from any influence of me or us. And that she cannot live with herself knowing how much I love her and me giving that to her while she is back and forth with it for me. And she goes on how she doesn't want to be like this but she cannot help it and it scares her that she is gonna regret cutting me loose and hate sthat she and I will not be together, etc. But she says she just can't do it, she's not ready and needs time.

So we agree to take some time off, away from each other. For me to get back into my life in a positive way and for her to try to resolve these commitment problems and find if she can fall in love with me. SO she asks me to let go, for her, and to wait a while, come back and find her again and see hwat happens and see if we can make a go of it. She cannot promise that this will pan ouyt but she wants to keep this a possibility. I have no choice but to agree.

So it's been a couple weeks now and we have not spoken. I got an email last week saying how much this means to her that I am giving her this time and that it was the best thing I could have done for her. I have spoken with her best friend and asked for adfvice and she says that I should not give up hope but that i should understna that she cannot give a commitment.

This girl went through a pretty rough marriage and divorce. She still tries to make excuses for things that had happened.

I don't know what to do in regards to this time... Should I give up and never contact her? Wait the next 6 weeks or so and call like she wants?

I love her and i have only been in love once before and it wasn't my wife. I do not want to lose this woman and feel so out of control now. I am ready to give up hope. I just don't know what to do. Some of my friends say she will come around as soon as she realizes that she's throwing away a good thing and gets past her commitment fears, others tell me to chalk it up as experience and move on, I just don't know...

My advice - care about her, be there as much as you can (without losing too much of yourself in it) - but move on!

You don't know what will happen over time. In a few weeks, she might meet some other guy and for some reason, she can just jump into a relationship with him - it just feels right. I've been there, done that - seen it happen - felt the pain. I've hated myself each and everytime - believing "i just need time". Sure - there is something there - and wehther or not that 'something' will be more...only time will tell. But for you, my friend, is to let go and move on with your life. If you continue to hope, wait, wonder - if or when she moves on with her life and gets back to you saying "I care so much about you, and I never wanted to hurt you - things just happened and I don't know what else to say - i never meant to cause you pain". Trust me - i've heard it - been there - gone through exactly what you are going through now.

It doesn't mean ignore her, be mean or cold - it means watch out for you. She isn't ready for you - so let her go and go have fun, waiting for the one to come along who is ready for you. Between this time adn that - if she comes around and wants something more - see wehre you stand - maybe by then, you will have met the woman of your dreams and won't think twice about getting involved with her again.

Bottom line - watch out with the "i need time" line. IT's true - and I"m not saying she is using it for bad...but I am saying that 3 times in my life so far, with teh three women I was really close with - i heard the same things she is telling you. All three are with someone else - it just 'happened'.!!!

There's a whole other issue that prevents her from getting into commitments. And being this forum is pretty annonomous I don't feel bad in revealing it is one that sticks with her for the rest of her life.. Know what I mean? The byproduct of an a-hole husband. She has had one other relationship in the 3 years she's been divorced aside from she and I. That one neither had any prospects of long term commitment, mutually.

In our discussions she revealed that she never even considered the feelings she has for me with anyone except her husband.. There's just so much to all of it. She asks me to let her be ad allow her to find a way to get out from behind these walls she has up and make a gop of it.

Which i understand - but i'm just trying to share my experiences with you - which apply to your situation.

I've heard a lot of horrible/sad stories - being mentally/physically abused, women sitting there crying while their boyfriends/husbands ignore them and dont' care what they are going through. I'm not trying to dismiss her problem(s) and how they play on her mind. I'm trying to tell you that you have to watch out for you! I just don't want to see you posting in here 6 months from now with the same stories I've posted - explaining how she said this and that and now she's with someone else and values my friendship and what I gave her.

I'm just saying watch out for you. It doesn't mean you can't be there for her, care about her, listen to her and support her. It means don't sit at home watching the phone to ring, waiting for her to come around, let your life pass you by. I've done that - once for a whole year with one woman, 8 months with another woman and 3 months with another. I'm learning - finally - as you can see - the time I waste hanging around is becoming les and less!

hang in there buddy.

The best advice I can offer you is believe actions over words. No matter what words she tells you - listen to that gut feeling you have. Her actions will tell you exactly who you are to her!

I know thanx I appreciate it. She does act in the way that I am someone to her... But in the coming months the rubber will meet the road and I will know for sure...

I am not going to let this drag me down believe me, I just want to know if I should give up on her. If I should just forget it all and not even try. Her friend told me that me giveing her this time is probably one of the best things I could do to show her that I love her and thatr she sees it as a true mark of what she wants. I don't know but I do know that I have a gut feeling that she might come around.. And I have a gut feeling she won't.

I know one thing... I love her and don't want to lose her. And don't want it to happen twice..

Mcarty, your story reminds me of many women's stories. Usually it's the man who comes with the BS "I need some space" stories.

I will be frank with you, even though it hurts: she doesn't want you. She is just keeping you in the backburner in case her affair with someone else (yes, she already HAS someone else) doesn't work. Maybe for her you're a nice guy and she knows that, but she is NOT in love with you or she wouldn't let you go. She's being very selfish and this "wall" thing is the biggest BS I've heard. The "wall" is just for you dear, but not if someone better (aka..more money, which you don't have right now) comes along.

Forget her is the best you can do. She is probably relieved you didn't create a scene and is not trying to see her/talk to her/stalk her.

Find someone else who is ehad over heels with you. We all deserve that.

well, I don't know what to do.. I feel if I write her off I will not find this again and I know I am going in circles... I don't thionk there is someone else but maybe I'm just blind.

to those who said she found someone else, you were right. I hate women and will never trust another.

to those who said she found someone else, you were right. I hate women and will never trust another.

It's pretty understandable that you would be feeling as you are right now. In fact, I've said the same words myself once or twice about men.

One of the better ways of looking at this is that now, you know exactly what happened, and it seems like hurt and confusion has been replaced with anger and resentment. Anger, for me anyway, is much easier to deal with than having my heart broken.

I went on and off with someone like that. He came on strong at first, but in the end he and I did the whole dance that you are starting to do with her, but for five years. The first time it fell apart, I was devastated because he was everything I wanted and I figured I'd done something wrong. But over the next five years, after time and time again of us getting together and blowing apart, I realized he had a problem. Ironically, every time we got back together, it was at his initiative, with all these promises that this time it would be different. He realized that...yada yada... And even the behavior was better each time, initially, enough to convince me.

But more importantly, I learned that he would always come back, and he always does. But MOST importantly, I've learned finally that it's never healthy when he does. And I'm trying to break away from the cycle (nevermind the fact that he recently got a job where I work...)

My point is, don't hold out for her, because you're only holding out for years of misery. The "need more time" thing...it's real...all too real. It's not that she's a b*tch like some might try to have you believe. But it's that she had a REAL FEAR. Whether it be of intimacy, closeness, losing her options, losing her freedom to do what she wants, losing her private time, WHATEVER...

Lesson learned...the fear is REAL, and it's ALL ENCOMPASSING for them, and they live by it. You may be compelled to try to help her out of it, but don't bother. In the mind of someone who is running from intimacy, think about it...they are not apt to accept help that may catapult them into the very thing they are afraid of in the first place.

I guarantee you she will come back. She'll come back because as for as much as she can't commit to the relationship, she can't commit to letting it go forever. And when she does, say no. My friends and family told me this for years, but I had to learn it for myself. It's the same broken record, over and over again. But each time they get craftier in convincing you that for this time, it's real. And it is, for a short while, then it all starts over again.

Trust me on this one. And if you don't this time...promise me that you will only go through three revolutions of it until you finally agree to smarten up and see the pattern. Sometimes we have to live it until we believe it. I did. And I'm a believer now, five years wasted.

If nothing else, read this book: "He's Scared, She's Scared". It's been an eye-opener for me, not just about him but about myself. Why would someone, who supposedly "wants" to get married and have children someday, hold their heart out for someone who proves time and time again, over FIVE YEARS, that he's too afraid to fly? When I could've healthily called it quits a long time ago, and persued a more suitable person? Hmmmm....

There are parts in the book where it seems to be redundant, drilling the same point in your head with other people's stories again and again. Feel free to skip a chapter if it gets like that and move towards the end of the book, because there's a TON of good advice back there. But reading some of the beginning helps you to see the pattern, in the other person and in yourself.

It's helped me see it for all it is and finally break the cycle.

Heather

Well I confronted her about all of this she is warped... Goes on last week telling a coworker that I'm the best that she could ever hope for and that she could fall in love with me so easily and how much of a great time she has with me etc. Then she adds that she needs me to be able to take care of her if the need arises and that she wants this and that. Then the next day she tells me shes moving on it sover etc. That she never wants me to try and contact her again that she wil not either that nothig between us will ever go past the point it has gotten to hat she loves me but not as I lve her, etc. that she cannot be th one for me. that I need to forget about her and any future chances no matter in this life or the next. She added that she hope that our paths do not cross anytime soon and that we should actively try to avoid each other in hopes that that randome meeting does not occur. This just 2 weeks since we spent a great weekend together and discussed what we felt and how she exclaimed that I could be so dangerous if there was just a few issues I would fix. All these wonderful encouraging things she would say. Now she denies that she had anything more than just a love that is not in love and all the intimacy sexually and otherwise was just her trying to be inj love because she said she really wanted to be that in love with me... I dont know I'm rambling and it is just killing me to figure this on eout. Oh, and the new guy? Just a date she says and has no intemntions of