Jump to content

MOM'S BEAU --- 15 YEARS YOUNGER...


Recommended Posts

my mom met this guy 2 months ago at my cousin's wedding. he is a cop, 15 years younger than my mom.

 

my mom has been widowed 6 years ago. when she confided to me that this guy is courting her, i was kinda shocked. all the while i thought they were just friends, thouhg ive been a li'l suspicious a few weeks ago.

 

wen my 2 younger sisters learned about this, they were shocked and burst out in tears. they have always been firm on their stand that they dont want my mom to have a boyfriend or get married. though it was okay for me for her to have a boyfriend. but i dont want her to get married too.

 

now we're not quite really chummy and sweet with her. although she told us that she doesnt feel anything for him yet, we think and feel otherwise. we discussed about it a few nights ago.

 

i told her why i dont like this guy. first we're like suspicious of his real intentions with my mom. we think that he's after her money. my mom's now expanding her business in his place of work just after two months of meeting. -- he's a cop i think (he mentions an airborne something i dont quite understand). and there are also some things i dont like in him, but my mom seems blinded by these things.

 

now that we've told her what we feel, she wants us to decide if she's going to continue with this guy or end it. we dont know what to say now.

 

a.) she told us that if we say yes, then we'll have to support her all the way, and defend her to my dad's side. however, how are we gonna do that if we in the first place disapprove of it??

 

b.)if we say no, then she'll be really hurt. while we're talking to her, she keeps saying that she has always been a good mother to us, she had always given us what we need and wanted. she says she needs a companion. she said she has never been happy in her life (i kinda freaked out cause that means she has never been happy with us and with my dad though she denied it), and now she wants to be happy. said that she would sacrifice and give up her happines so we would be happy. so if we disapprove of this, we'll be this selfish children who deprive our mom her happines. we feel like its emotional blackmail.

 

now we dont know what to decide. wether to approve of her in entering this relationship or not.

 

on my part, im not against her having a boyfriend, i just dont like this guy in particular. my sisters however, are not just against this guy but the boyfriend thing as a whole.

 

what do we do now? we really really think that she'd just get hurt with this guy.

 

kindly enlighten us... i would really appreciate it. if you need any more details, feel free to ask me.

Link to comment

You are all in a really tough spot. I don't agree with the notion that its up to the children to make the final decision on who your mom dates. I think its really good that she asks for your opinion and gives it serious consideration before she makes her choice. But its not fair to you to lay that kind of responsibility completely on your shoulders. And she's already telling you what decision she wants you to make and laying a guilt trip on you if you say no. I think that is very wrong also.

 

You seem to have some very clear ideas on why you don't like this guy. So I recommend that you lay this all out for your mom. Explain to her what you've seen, why you think the way that you do, and how it makes you feel. Then let her make her own decision. Do not make it for her. She's the adult, she needs to take responsibility for her own actions.

 

You might want to express your concerns to someone else in your family. An aunt/uncle, grandparent, cousin, or just another trusted adult. They may be more convincing to your mother if they have seen the same things that you have. Then at least you have some support from others regarding your concerns.

 

Your sisters will eventually have to get used to the idea of your mom dating again. Its not disrespectful to your dad. Its just your mom's way of moving on with her life.

Link to comment

hi. thanks for the advice.

 

cant find anyone on my mom's side to discuss this with. and she doesnt want dad's side to know about this, so i cant discuss it wth them also.

 

the only one ive discussed this with is my boyfriend, (he's the same age as my mom's "friend", 27 -- not that it matters) and we like kinda share the same views. yet i cant tell my mom about what my bf thinks cause she doesnt like him. so now, i dont have any adult i can confide this with.

 

she really wants us to decide for her, but we cant say what we really want cause its obviously not what she wants...

 

i cant do anything to change my sisters' minds...

Link to comment

Oh ok. Well in that case you are all adults and you aren't under her roof anymore. So I'd encourage you to simply speak freely to your mother. Tell her your concerns. Be direct (respectful, but direct) and just tell her what you see. If she tries to lay a guilt trip on you, tell her straight out that you will not be accepting responsibility for her decision and that she needs to make it on your own.

 

You are an adult, you can disagree with your mother. You aren't required to put on a happy face and tell her you are ok with the guy if indeed you aren't. I think you have valid concerns and they need to be dealt with. But in the end, its your mother's responsibility to deal with them.

 

You may be thinking "Ok, well she will be really angry if I don't agree with her." Well she might, but thats the way it goes sometimes. You are trying to be a good daughter and watch out for your mother's interests. And this requires you to speak your mind about the situation so your mom has all the facts.

 

Your sisters should also speak their mind. I think they are going overboard in not wanting your mom to have a boyfriend at all. But you are right, you can't change their mind.

 

Is this helping?

Link to comment

yeah, thanks, you're words really helped.

 

although we no longer live with her, she still supports us, school and everything. none of us work cause she wants us to focus on our studies first. not that this matters...

 

we know that whenever she'll get mad at us, she'll just keep on opening this up with us, if ever we choose to go agaisnt what she wants. she would just keep saying this again -- "i have always been a good mother to you, i didnt expect you to react like this"

 

she really wants us to try, saying that we wont know if something would go wrong unless we try...

Link to comment

Well the issue isn't whether she was a good mother. Just because she was a good mother doesn't mean you have to agree with all of her actions. Just point out to her that you aren't saying she was a bad mother. In fact you can tell her "Look mom, you raised me to think for myself and try to make good decisions. So I'm doing that right now and being honest with you about what I see and how I feel. Of course its your decision but you asked me for my opinion so I'm trying to give it to you straight."

 

Good luck. I hope things work out for the best.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...