...i cut last night...

Hey everyone-

I guess I can start this out by saying I'm actually 'happy' in life right now, so I don't know why I would have cut last night. But I did. My boyfriend and I aren't having any problems at all, we just told each other we have 'really really strong feelings for one another' so everything is going good.

I think it's been...about 3 and a half months since I even got close to cutting. Back in the end of april/beginning of may I 'scraped' It was never an actual 'cut.' It never bled just scraped, left a welp and then was gone. Last night I got home because I had been at a friend's and I saw my Mom and started crying. She didn't notice right off hand but then she did. And we stood in the kitchen just hugging for 10 minutes. I told her, "I'm sorry I'm like this. I know you would want a regular 14 year old daughter who was still happy and worry-free. I know I'm not normal and I don't like being this way. I'm sorry I have such a bad attitude and it's hard living with me, and I'm sorry for being a little *****." She was just caught offguard. We cried together but then...her boyfriend walked in and she changed the subject.

I don't know but something inside me went off. I walked to my bedroom, into my closet and set there and cried. I took the knife and cut. It was a little cut nothing HUGE. It only bled a little bit. But I wasn't doing it because of *my* pain, but because of my mom's. When that knife was on my wrist I wasn't me, I wasn't feeling my pain...it was as if I was my mom, and I knew all her pain.

It was weird. I'm better now...I think. And I just want some replies. I don't know what you would say...except I'm ate up in the head. I just felt like getting that off 'my chest' -haha.- Thanks for spending your time reading this.

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Hey. What does your mom have pain from? And what does it have to do with you? You shouldn't cut yourself, that's no good and it doesn't help anything. Do you like your mom's boyfriend?

her life...it's just so stressful. It was so weird when it happened. I'm the reason she is mostly stressed, i'm such a ***** towards everyone but I can't help it and i just yell all the time. But I do like my mom's b/f. Everything is going ...decently now.

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Well what makes you be a ***** to your mom? Or whoever else? Maybe it would take some stress off her if you didn't act that way. It's not all your fault though and I'm not sure that any of it is your fault, so don't blame yourself.

Everyone prys into my business and thinks they know how I am or how I feel. But they don't and it aggravates me. We are getting better though, I think. I don't know, I just try to stay out of her way anymore because every time we DO fight and I yell too then I feel bad so I just walk off usually now.

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oh my god lish, you're starting just like me. i can't believe i did this to you...

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You didn't make me this way. It was my choice and I scared the living **** out of myself. It's not your fault, and I won't do it again. Please don't blame yourself. I love you.

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That's good that you're walking away from the fights now. Maybe they wouldn't have to "assume" how you feel if you told them. Do they know? Maybe you should just sit down and talk to them. Tell them your feelings and maybe that you need help. I hope you do tell them and I hope they listen. Good Luck!!!