adult dealing with sexual abuse as child

I need help! My dad molested me for years when I was a kid. I'm 33 now and just beginning to deal with it. I'm scared, confused and have no one to talk to about it. I've tried talking to a therapist but it's not working out. I'm having tormenting nightmares and memories. To be honest, I liked it better when I was in denial. The problem is that while I used to be very promiscuous, I now can't have a normal sex life with my husband because I'm haunted with memories. My family has disowned me, my mom called me a liar. Help! I'm hurting and want to get through this and get it behind me. Is it possible?

Yes, you can get through this.

I would suggest changing to another therapist, since it isn't working out for you. Try to find a psychologist that is specialized with sexual abuse and anxiety patients.

Also seek out support groups for sexual abuse victims.

I'm not good with advice but i would feel bad ignoring this.

I agree with ragingbull bull about getting a new thearpist since this one isn't working for you.

He is right. You can get through this. It isn't easy, what you are feeling is normal. Sexual abuse happens a lot. It is very terrible that it happens to good inocent people like yourself. Someone i know was raped. She fell into this depression and went to get counseling and it helped her. She was able to get through it. She know lives with her husband and they have a great life together. So you acn get through this. It is going to take time but you can get through it. One of my friends was molested by her neighbors. She seems to cope with it alright. I think that it is going to catch up and haunt her though. She has a lot of guilt about what happened. Being scared and guilty are all normal feelings. No one deserves to have something like this happen. When people do that they are taking a wonderful bond between husband and wife and turning it into something hateful. Sex is something that is shared out of love not hate. Your husband is sharing his love for you. It is going to be hard seeing that way with all the tomenting memories, night mares and flashbacks. Its normal for those who went through trauma like that. If counseling isn't helping do get a new thearpist, it should help you cope and you should be able to live a normal life with your husband with counseling. Its going to take time and patience but you can get through it though.

First of all, I'm sorry about what happened to you. No child or adult should ever be sexually abused. I'm an adult survivor of male on male rape. There is very little literature available to people in my situation.

I've found many books on childhood sexual abuse to be very helpful. I would suggest Mike Lew's Victims No Longer and there's a book that a lot of people talk about by Mic Hunter. Sorry that I can't remember the name, but I'd check out both.

Also, there is one website that I think you should join when you are ready. It's link removed. Go and check it out, my friend. There are a lot of people like yourself on the site. It really feels good to communicate with people who understand your pain and suffering.

Lastly, look into therapy. It helps, but it's tough and demanding. Don't worry though, you can do it. Anyone that's willing to face up to their abuse is already heading in the right direction.

Take it easy,

Fusion

hi

i remembered the years of sexual abuse and brainwashing done to me by my father only after my five-year-old son disclosed that my father was molesting him on a regular basis. I was suicidal, grief stricken, enraged, ashamed, guilt ridden, and i lived through the abuse and grew into an adult. Being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse is not easy. Judith Herman has authored some very helpful books on the process of healing what we have been through. You and I, and nearly every woman, young and old alike, have been through a little or a lot of what has happened to us. We don't always have the courage to share our stories with others and thus often feel isolated from everyone else.

what was done to was wrong. there is never going to be a way for you or anyone else to say that you are responsible for what happened. This is an innate truth because when an adult chooses to violate a child in anyway--it is and will always be, about the adult's needs and the their distorted ideas around dealing with their own unresolved childhood.

you are not alone. Look for a therapist who has a background in relational-cultural therapy, complex post-traumatic stress syndrome (not disorder), and an educational focus in the field of traumatology. It also can help to utilize the certain theraputic tools like EMDR, Rapid Eye, or neuro linguistic programming (touch assoicated with emotion re conditioning). All of these methods have helped people in our state of readiness to heal to better take charge of our lives. Relearn things like loving ourselves, dealing with stress, with being loved, with trusting that our feelings are real, allowed, and extremely important to our ability to be loving and healthy inside and with those that we love. Incest survivors often are told that everything that you once believed to be true and real about every aspect of life MUST be re-examined, and often chucked to the curb. Which means that you have an opportunity, arrived at through very painful means and not of your choosing, to become exactly who you want to be. A person whose sense of self is determined solely by what you choose. It takes incredible strength to live through being abused through our early stages of development , so know that you have every once of strength needed to heal from the inside out.

Grieve, love, find hope in times of pain, love, and love you some more, rage and vent at the ones who hurt you (sometimes best if done to a picture of them), know that until you acknowledge that it was never about you--you will look to blame yourself. Know that until you reclaim your inner power/strength--you will look to re-enact the events where your losses occurred. Freedom is in loving yourself, taking care of yourself, being intimate, caring, understanding, and forgiving of you. In steps all things are possible.

love you

me

I am new to this website and noticed that our stories are very similiar. I too was abused as a child, but by my Stepfather. I am 31 now and just told my Mom and Brother about it 2 years ago. My Mom does believe me yet she is still living with him as husband and wife. Being a Mom myself, I don't know how she can lay beside a man like that night after night. I do not have anything to do with my Stepdad anymore, but still talk to his family like nothing every happened. I've never told them, it would be like betraying my Mom if I told his family about the abuse. At every family event, it's always this elephant in the room that my Mom never wants to acknowledge. My older son remembers his Grandpa and asks me why he's not allowed to see him. He is not old enough to even understand why if I told him. Me and my Brother would really like my Mom to leave him!!!! He's having a lot of problems dealing with this too. Neither one of us want our kids anywhere near the man, but we still want a relationship with our Mom. This whole situation is out of control and like you I wish I was still living in denial. I wish I had the opportunity to see a therapist but I'm just not financially able at this time. Honestly, I think my Mom and my Stepdad should foot the bill.

Glad I found this forum, I have just uncovered purely by chance several short video clips that show me as a very young teenager engaged in pornographic activity. I have actually no memory of these events and if not for vaguely recognizing certain room cues and certain body clues I wouldnt even know it was me. It took the better part of two days to convince myself. From the tape it is obvious that I being photographed by multiple people with both still and film cameras. Quality is poor. My questions? Why cant I remember, it's not like I was 6 or7. Would this explain my adult years in terms of hypersexuality, depression and substance abuse while appearing outwardly as a well educated successful person. ALthough since I am just now divorced from wife # 2 after 13 years. I have always had this weird feeling of self loathing that I could never explain. A woman friend of mine describes me as "the prince that thinks he is frog" I would go for long periods of successful achievement only to engage in various forms of self destruction..gambling, womanizing, drugs, etc to dig myself a hole that I had to struggle to get out of it. I cant help but acknowledge that this has happened and it must have been substantive and awful for me not to remember. After a couple of weeks of denial its time to get off the couch and approach this thing with a plan. If Im depressed i am fooling myself, I am sad at lost opportunity but I just want to understand try to fill this hole im in and get on, ive got three great boys that deserve their dad back

Hi,

I am 29 years old and have been living with my girlfriend for about 4 years. I just learned today that she and her older sister had been raped by their pastor as children for a period of several years. She has just recently began to remember and try to deal with these issues and is experiencing suicidal thoughts. I am not sure how to handle the situation and am deeply in love with her and want to help. I can't be intimate with her without feeling guilty, I would probably kill the person responsible if her were not already dead. I feel so lost and helpless, please advise.

kurt

Thats horrable i dont know what to say for advise, i just feel for you, thats horabble, i guess screw your family then if they wont hear you, do whats in your hart and get rid of that poison the best way you can, best of luck to you!

Anyone that needs help in dealing with with sexual abuse of any kind should contact the nearest rape crisis centre. If they cant help, which I think is not possible, they can advise you where to go for assistance.

I was 34 years old when I broke down. I had dealt with denial for a long, long, time. Why not everyone in my family functioned that way. I ended up in pysch ward. I had so much pressure, my daughter was 13 and looked 20, my boyfriend was access incest related porn as well as a multitude of other life related problems.

I see a counsellor - free from CARSA, the rape crisis centre in my region. My life is still messed but I learning to handle it.

Miss Rosie

you are receiving some good advise, just remember you are not alone, and you did nothing wrong. You are going through a hard phase the remembering is usually the hardest, but now you can start to do the healing work, and there are some very qualified and caring therapist out there. I agree with what stream suggested I would be very careful however if you choose NLP as a form of therapist that you get referrals and assure that the practitioner is a licensed therapist and that has some degree, I'm not kidding myne didn't and it did not end very well.

Good luck, you found your way in this forum, and this is a great support group, so keep talking to us it gets better in time.

im 21 and about to embark on my journey to recovery. i was sexuall abused by my god father and a family friend on separate occasions during my childhood and recently i was raped by my partner. my mother was sexually abused by her father when she was a child but has never dealt with it and so im completely alone. im affraid, my past has warped me into a selfish, horrible person who now has no support around her because ive burnt all the people that i care about around me in the name of 'trying to find myself' when in reality ive just been running away in denial. im ready to stop running and start fighting but i dont know if im strong enough to do it or if theres anyone who can really help me

Faithless angel I feel for your feer, it is however very incouraging that you are in this place of putting a stop to your running starting to fight back. You are a survivor, and you are not alone, there are tens of thousands of us out there, you might find it helpful to visit this organization site that can guide you through this process,

link removed

Also I've read a good book that you might find interesting titled Children of Trauma by Jane Middelton-Moz, and there are very good therapists who specialize in the care of adult children of trauma; it always helps to have someone guide you through this very confusing time.

Good luck and keep writing, it helps.

I am 32 years old and I have just come to turms with it. I am not to sure on my age I am guessing 7 or 8. I remember some things that happened to me. There is quite a bit that seems foggy and not sure if its real. He was my aunts boyfriend.

I have had a lot of emotional problems for years, I have never enjoyed sex and always felt ashamed and hated to be touched. I could never understand why because I love my husband, but I am always trying to push him away that he could do better then me.

I have been dealing with depression, when I feel I am doing good then it takes a turn and gets bad again.

I just can't believe that I have finally come to terms with it.

Hey everyone,

My name is Stephanie. I am 17 years old. Don't stop reading just because of my age , because i am here to help.

I am here to share my story with you all.

Ok, from the age of about 5 years old, i was very brutally beaten by my father. My mother was also beaten by him. He is a very scary man and my mother could not stand up to him. He used to pick me up and throw me from wall to wall. He would punch me , kick me , make my nose bleed.He would bruise me , cut me , and then leave me laying on the ground helpless.

I thought my life was hell. Until i was 11 years old. My mother left my father , but also left me and my younger sister there with him. i thought my life was hell before, it was not even close in comparison to what i experienced next. My father began sexually molesting me. He began first touching me.. he would make me perform oral sex.. and if i did not comply with what he wanted me to do.. he would beat me. He did this almost every night, and he would threaten me. i was terrified and never told a soul. When i was 13 years old my father raped me. If this was not bad enough after he raped me , he brutally beat me , with the metal piece of a vacuum cleaner. He continued sexually abusing me until i was 14.

He truly ruined my life. I was emotionally shattered.

At the age of 15 i took my sister and we ran away from him, we went to live with my mother. For a very long time i blocked out the sexual abuse and never told a soul.

This ruined me , it slowly ate away at my soul day by day. I became this monster of a person. I began not going to school.. i started taking drugs and abusing alcohol. I was trying to harm myself , i truly wanted to die.

from the age of 11, until about 3 months ago , i had never had a peaceful nights sleep. I always had nightmares, and getting to sleep in the first place was an ongoing battle. I made myself sick.

Slowly , i stopped the drugs and started rebuilding myself, but there was always something holding me down.

4 months ago , i broke free. I finally admitted to my mother and my step father , the terrible truth. I told them i had been sexually abused. This was one of the hardest things i had ever done, but also one of the best decisions i have ever made.

the very next day my parents took me to the police station and we reported it. Immediately detectives took over and i began the process of freeing myself.

i have also been going to councelling.

One thing that i have learnt that helps me feel strong every day is this:

I did nothing wrong. My father is obviously a sick, perverted freak. He is the one who is going to pay in the end and he is going to be punished. YES is happened, i was sexually abused, there is no erasing it, and the memory will be inside my heart forever.. BUT it is not going to control my life any more !!! i am dealing with it.. and i am the better person !

there is no forgetting it, what has happened to anyone who has been sexually abused. I understand u , i feel your pain. And i know how hard it is to come out about it .. it took me 7 years !!!!!!!! .. BUT .. it is never too late. I was told by detectives about a woman who is 58 years old and has jus reported being sexually abused my her uncle at age 7 !.. it is never to late.. Speak up .. BE HEARD.. let it all out.. there is so much support out there for you .. DO NOT BE AFRAID!!!!!

Also , if you need some inspiration , honestly , Look this up on the internet.. it is an episode or Dr Phil.. ( yes that sounds corny..) but i have never ever really watched Dr phil.. this episode.. chilled me .. I cried.. i felt for this woman emotionally.. but her bravery .. gave me power..

the episode it called..

"A Boy In Trouble"

Anyone who has been abused. I hope you get the strength to deal with it , and make whoever hurt u pay ! and may god bless u !

You need to see someone (a close friend even!).

At some point you need report this and get some justice done.

Hi I am 35, I was sexually abused by my brother and a group of his friends. It started when I was 3 and lasted until I was 13. I thought I had dealt with it and got passed it, but I was wrong. I just got out of ICU from a suicide attemt. I am in therapy and on meds for my depression and anxiety. I know the importance of dealing with it as soon as possible. The result of the stress and anxiety, my health has turned to crap, I have had 33 abdominal surgerys, my colon died and was there for removed, I was told 2 yrs. ago that I only had 2 months left to live, but I have over come that. I did really good up until the couple of months. not sure what else to do...............

to all who suffer from pain of their past. I hope you find strength to keep reaching out!!!! it always helps to hear someone else is going through similar pain. I'm sorry you are still dealing with it....yet know you are not ALONE.

I am also new to this site and am at the moment trying to deal with a similar sort of scenario to you and Molly...

My stepfather inappropriately fondled me a couple of times when I was about 14 y/o. I went to my younger sister after the 2nd time and asked her if anything had happened to her - she said no and never spoke if it again...so nor did I and it stopped when I got my first boyfriend.

I dont know what happened, I knew it was there but didnt dare let it get out. I knew my mother wouldnt believe me and I feared I would be abandoned. Last year my sister and I had a conversation about this and she got very upset because she remembers me asking her for help. She felt guilty and was very upset. I told her I had moved on and now have a life of my own that I didnt want to disrupt and didnt want to lose my mother and asked that she keep it to herself. She agreed. She too knew my mum wouldnt believe it. Well, in a cruel twist, my sister decided to tell my mother and show support to my stepfather. Of course, now everyone in my family knows and not one person has spoken to me since let alone offered support.

I am a grown woman, married with my own children. Why would they think I had anything to benefit by making up something as horrible as this? I am glad I didnt say anything back then, I would have been out on the streets!

My mum has been telling people their side of the story and making up ridiculous lies like that I am suffering a mental disorder or something....it kills me. I have done nothing but be a good daughter to her and a good sister to my sister and yet they have turned on me in the worst possible way. I dont know what to do, I am not sleeping and I keep thinking that I must be missing something?!? Why have everyone I have ever cared about, MY FAMILY, turned their back on me?! I have never done anything that I know of to make them doubt me or mistrust me.

This is the first time I have spoken of this to anyone outside my marriage. Luckily for me I have a wonderful husband. Thank you to you both who have similar stories, I was relieved to see there was someone else dealing with something similar (obviously not happy that you are in this situation, just relieved to see I wasnt the only one.)

How could they turn on me like that? What do I do?

Hi Molly,

Can you tell me how you are going? I am now in the same situation as you were basically. I dont know how I got here and I dont know where I will end up. Our stories are just very similar and I just wondered how you were doing?!

Thanks for posting your message on here too, your the first I have found in the same/similar circumstance and it made me feel not so alone.

I hope all is well with you.

Puppiesmum xo

It is really good to read all of your posts. I have been dealing with similar issues myself. I am now 36 years old and have been making active progress in dealing with my past. I had been raped by a family friend when I was a teenager. I became pregnant from this event. I thought that I had the proof I would need to go to my family and tell them. The only problem was that I confronted my attacker before I could tell my family. It was at this point that he beat and raped me again. Within hours I miscarried. There had gone my proof, and now I had the guilt of being the cause of death to my unborn child.

I have recently started the process of seeing a therapist. However, it will be two more weeks before I can actually get in and talk to them. The nightmares and other feelings are getting really difficult to deal with. I do not want to go to the emergancy room and take the chance they will want to admit me. I have small children at home and don't want to leave them. Does anyone have any suggestions on what I can do until I can actually speak with my therapist? I need to get rest and be able to function.

The similarity to our stories is truly remarkable. I was also sexually abused by my stepfather for many years. I always knew it was wrong, I think, even as a child because I was told to keep it a secret. However, even though I was molested, in my mind as a child it felt more like caring and love from him. (Sounds twisted, but through many sessions in therapy it makes sense to me now) My father had just passed away after my mom divorced him, so there was one person lost that I loved. My stepfather was physically abusive to my mother, which eventually stopped for some reason...but seeing that couldn't of been healthy for a child to see. I did not get the love and affection from my mom, so I took what I could get. I always knew my mom loved me,[/u] but to this day I don't ever remember a hug or a kiss from her or even an "I love you." She wasn't the nurturing type. We did grow closer as adults, but more in a friendship kind of way. She is a wonderful grandmother though. She has her own set of issues, which doesn't relate to this...so I will not go into it.

I was able to grow up fairly normal and popular with my school friends and go to college and get married and have children. I dabbled in drugs at college, and did my partying...but never losing focus of what I needed to accomplish. I always remembered what had happened, but I was convinced that I could live this lie to my grave and no need to bring it up and ruin our rather "large family" I also did not want to hurt my mom. There were many times that I was alone for periods of time as an adult with my stepfather, and I honestly was waiting for just 2 words, I'm sorry. They never would come. I even entrusted him with my children alone because I honestly believed that he would never do it again. Now that I have seen the statistics of reoccurance to other children it's hard for me to think about the danger that I could of put my children in by my own stupidity. I was generous with my family...almost to a fault...I am a GIVER...of time, love and money..always seeking love and approval. (this is what my Dr. told me)

I had some memorabilia of my childhood brought to my home and it sent me into a tailspin. I went on for months in depression and finally spilled the beans to my husband and then my mom. I, thought that we were so close(as adults) that she would believe me. It all took a very horrible turn ~ My entire family thinks I am some crazy, lying, sick person now. The very same lying sick person that was always there for every single one of them when they needed me. I now need them and they have turned their backs on me. It is a very harsh reality to face, and life as I knew it was over. I was so desperate that I took a lie detector test to prove my innocence and passed it, (of course) and still....they took his side over mine. I have never done anything to decieve them in the past, I am not painting a picture that I am an angel, cuz I definetely did my share of gossiping and getting in arguments with them. But...I always felt bad afterwords and tried to make peace, which my mother told me, she found it "very annoying". How can it be annoying that someone is apologizing and trying to make peace is beyond me. As soon as I saw a conflict growing out of control and my mother getting more and more mad...I would immediately try to back track and quel the fire...again searching for her love and approval. I am not perfect, I make mistakes and I am human. Sorry..got off the subject there, but it all ties into how this all came about. The hardest thing is the need for VALIDATION can take over your life, how can they not believe me? How can they believe him when he has many more character flaws than I. I have been told by many that God will give me validation in due time. This has been my toughest thing to conquer, and I struggle every day.

Now, several months have passed...severe depression, a suicide attempt, much therapy and a very wonderful man for a husband, I have realized it is not about them, it is about me and what happened to me. It is a struggle of which was worse, the abuse as a child or the abuse they are now inflicting on me by their ignorance. They are choosing to bury their heads in the sand because believing me would mean they would have to face the ugly reality that their father and husband is a pedophile. They will live their lives without my family and I look at it as they are the ones losing out, not I.

I have become very spiritual and have found that having faith that someday they will have to endure their own judgement day....and I know in my heart that day will come. They will have to face God on their Judgement Day and learn the truth and face the penalty of their unsympathetic, cruel hearts towards me. They are not worth the time I have spent trying to solve this....it is not a puzzle, there is no answer. I have wasted enough time away from my husband and children worrying about them, time that I can not get back. My husband and children have seen me at my lowest. This brought me to my knees, but now I am standing again...I of course have days that I slip but I hope time will heal, God will heal, and knowledge that my immediate family loves me is all that I need to keep a smile on my face. It took me 34 years to come out with this, my psychologist said, "you are too hard on yourself, you have 34 years to face and to do it in baby steps." It is still an open wound, but I am trying help mend my heart and my soul. Not a day goes by that I am not angry, sad, lonely, betrayed, and even hateful.. but then I just try to stop thinking negatively and put things in perspective, my husband and my children are most important and my relationship with God. I do journal to help keep things in perspective...it definetely helps with the anger...write it down...get it out and it is almost a relief! I have this to give to you to read....

(a quote from Revelation 1:4 & 8)

Don't take betrayal personally!

It reflects the betrayer not the betrayed.

Place your hope on a loftier level.

No person can measure your value.

Only the ALmighty can do that.

Forgive, move on, and make yourself a better life.

Christ did.

Oh yes, rejection hurts!

Pick up yourself, and stop your crying

You can't make people love you

Love is a choice can't be forced.

There's one who loves you. Love the Almighty; He's your only hope.

Christ did

Abuse measures not worth!

You are precious, God made you.

Believe and love yourself.

An abuser has only hate in his heart.

Pray for him, he is lost.

Love the abuser, leave; God's your hope

Christ did.

I also would like to add that counseling and medication really helped me get over the "hump", I am hoping to ween off the meds but not the counseling for a long while. ...God has given you a New Life, embrace it, Don't fear it....That is what I keep tellng myself, every single day!!

hang in there y'all. I've read this entire thread and I am amazed at the strength of you all. It wasn't your fault. it truly couldn't have been.

I'm 32, when my parents moved to CO when i was 7, I began being baby-sat by the neighbors. of what I can remember, I was coaxed into doing many things by the two brothers who were older than I was, I'm guessing they were 12 and 14. This was an ongoing situation for about a year. I was basically their plaything. I was also coersed into sex with a 12 year old girl multiple times and had no idea what i was doing. she would basically make me have sex with her. at that time i had just turned 8 years old.

I'm now sexualized in a way that is unpleasing. I have never abused anyone in this way in my childhood or adult life. but i do suffer some side effects which I am currently in therapy for. I have constant issues such as anxiety, depression, hypersexuality, self loathing, substance abuse, self destructive behavior and i am basically now bi-sexual which has taken my entire life to accept. because of the abuse, I followed the trend through my teens and early 20's until i realized that i was not actually gay, but had thought this to be true because of the abuse.

I feel for you all soooo much. Your story's have really opened my eyes to the amount of this that is actually out there. Minigirl, Mimmi, Shiva, all of you, hang in there. you are not your pain. you are not the abuse. you are all beautiful and deserving of love and YOU WERE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE ABUSE.

take care,

J

Hello everyone i was molested by my cousin when i was 5yrs old. He also raped my sister. At first i hated him for what he did to my sister but now i hate him for what he did to me too. At the age of seven i was raped by my brothers friend. I had never dealt with issues till one day i was drunk and broke down and told my girlfriend everything. I was sexually confused for while i blamed myself for what had happened. I explored those feelings with a gay man from work. The next day i felt disgusted with my self i could look at myself in the mirror. So the way started to redeem myself was to go a sex rampage i was having sex with many questionable woman. I just dont really care i was raised for my body to give pleasure to others. I have been with my girlfriend for 2yrs but she tells how can you love me when you dont love yourself. This is the only serious relationship i ever had. I always broke it off when they started to close. I was afraid that they would lose all respect for me. I contemplated suicide but i cant tell anyone i know because they see and think im welll and good. Im going to law school and im goodlooking the whole reason why womanising is so easy for me. B but thats all in the surface my girlfriend lost respect for me when i told her i was with a man this was before her. Shes a good girl but i just cant seem to be faithful and dont to hurt her shes the only person besides my immediate family that has ever love me. my self steem is very low but i hide it well. Im twisted i enjoy having sex with married women not because of the sex but because i enjoy the thought of breaking a marriage up, it also proves to me how people cant be trusted. Those are the issues i have i my childhood ruined my life so i ruin others too just so they can feel what i feel. I just dont know what to do i cant tell my girlfriend what is happening because she will leave i betrayed her trust i dont wanna lose her she is what is holding me together but i never tell her because i got trust issues i dont want her to think im weak. Thanks for listening i hope you guys have some advice for me thank you.

Stick to the truth regladless of what people say or think, and if you have other sisters i think you should try to help them i beat they went through this same thing with the monster, but in the first place why were u in denial? and why you liked it more? why?