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Thread: adult dealing with sexual abuse as child

  1. #21

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    Feb 2009
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    Need hope coping

    It is really good to read all of your posts. I have been dealing with similar issues myself. I am now 36 years old and have been making active progress in dealing with my past. I had been raped by a family friend when I was a teenager. I became pregnant from this event. I thought that I had the proof I would need to go to my family and tell them. The only problem was that I confronted my attacker before I could tell my family. It was at this point that he beat and raped me again. Within hours I miscarried. There had gone my proof, and now I had the guilt of being the cause of death to my unborn child.

    I have recently started the process of seeing a therapist. However, it will be two more weeks before I can actually get in and talk to them. The nightmares and other feelings are getting really difficult to deal with. I do not want to go to the emergancy room and take the chance they will want to admit me. I have small children at home and don't want to leave them. Does anyone have any suggestions on what I can do until I can actually speak with my therapist? I need to get rest and be able to function.

  2. #22
    The similarity to our stories is truly remarkable. I was also sexually abused by my stepfather for many years. I always knew it was wrong, I think, even as a child because I was told to keep it a secret. However, even though I was molested, in my mind as a child it felt more like caring and love from him. (Sounds twisted, but through many sessions in therapy it makes sense to me now) My father had just passed away after my mom divorced him, so there was one person lost that I loved. My stepfather was physically abusive to my mother, which eventually stopped for some reason...but seeing that couldn't of been healthy for a child to see. I did not get the love and affection from my mom, so I took what I could get. I always knew my mom loved me,[/U] but to this day I don't ever remember a hug or a kiss from her or even an "I love you." She wasn't the nurturing type. We did grow closer as adults, but more in a friendship kind of way. She is a wonderful grandmother though. She has her own set of issues, which doesn't relate to this...so I will not go into it.

    I was able to grow up fairly normal and popular with my school friends and go to college and get married and have children. I dabbled in drugs at college, and did my partying...but never losing focus of what I needed to accomplish. I always remembered what had happened, but I was convinced that I could live this lie to my grave and no need to bring it up and ruin our rather "large family" I also did not want to hurt my mom. There were many times that I was alone for periods of time as an adult with my stepfather, and I honestly was waiting for just 2 words, I'm sorry. They never would come. I even entrusted him with my children alone because I honestly believed that he would never do it again. Now that I have seen the statistics of reoccurance to other children it's hard for me to think about the danger that I could of put my children in by my own stupidity. I was generous with my family...almost to a fault...I am a GIVER...of time, love and money..always seeking love and approval. (this is what my Dr. told me)

    I had some memorabilia of my childhood brought to my home and it sent me into a tailspin. I went on for months in depression and finally spilled the beans to my husband and then my mom. I, thought that we were so close(as adults) that she would believe me. It all took a very horrible turn ~ My entire family thinks I am some crazy, lying, sick person now. The very same lying sick person that was always there for every single one of them when they needed me. I now need them and they have turned their backs on me. It is a very harsh reality to face, and life as I knew it was over. I was so desperate that I took a lie detector test to prove my innocence and passed it, (of course) and still....they took his side over mine. I have never done anything to decieve them in the past, I am not painting a picture that I am an angel, cuz I definetely did my share of gossiping and getting in arguments with them. But...I always felt bad afterwords and tried to make peace, which my mother told me, she found it "very annoying". How can it be annoying that someone is apologizing and trying to make peace is beyond me. As soon as I saw a conflict growing out of control and my mother getting more and more mad...I would immediately try to back track and quel the fire...again searching for her love and approval. I am not perfect, I make mistakes and I am human. Sorry..got off the subject there, but it all ties into how this all came about. The hardest thing is the need for VALIDATION can take over your life, how can they not believe me? How can they believe him when he has many more character flaws than I. I have been told by many that God will give me validation in due time. This has been my toughest thing to conquer, and I struggle every day.

    Now, several months have passed...severe depression, a suicide attempt, much therapy and a very wonderful man for a husband, I have realized it is not about them, it is about me and what happened to me. It is a struggle of which was worse, the abuse as a child or the abuse they are now inflicting on me by their ignorance. They are choosing to bury their heads in the sand because believing me would mean they would have to face the ugly reality that their father and husband is a pedophile. They will live their lives without my family and I look at it as they are the ones losing out, not I.

    I have become very spiritual and have found that having faith that someday they will have to endure their own judgement day....and I know in my heart that day will come. They will have to face God on their Judgement Day and learn the truth and face the penalty of their unsympathetic, cruel hearts towards me. They are not worth the time I have spent trying to solve this....it is not a puzzle, there is no answer. I have wasted enough time away from my husband and children worrying about them, time that I can not get back. My husband and children have seen me at my lowest. This brought me to my knees, but now I am standing again...I of course have days that I slip but I hope time will heal, God will heal, and knowledge that my immediate family loves me is all that I need to keep a smile on my face. It took me 34 years to come out with this, my psychologist said, "you are too hard on yourself, you have 34 years to face and to do it in baby steps." It is still an open wound, but I am trying help mend my heart and my soul. Not a day goes by that I am not angry, sad, lonely, betrayed, and even hateful.. but then I just try to stop thinking negatively and put things in perspective, my husband and my children are most important and my relationship with God. I do journal to help keep things in perspective...it definetely helps with the anger...write it down...get it out and it is almost a relief! I have this to give to you to read....

    (a quote from Revelation 1:4 & 8)

    Don't take betrayal personally!
    It reflects the betrayer not the betrayed.
    Place your hope on a loftier level.
    No person can measure your value.
    Only the ALmighty can do that.
    Forgive, move on, and make yourself a better life.
    Christ did.

    Oh yes, rejection hurts!
    Pick up yourself, and stop your crying
    You can't make people love you
    Love is a choice can't be forced.
    There's one who loves you. Love the Almighty; He's your only hope.
    Christ did

    Abuse measures not worth!
    You are precious, God made you.
    Believe and love yourself.
    An abuser has only hate in his heart.
    Pray for him, he is lost.
    Love the abuser, leave; God's your hope
    Christ did.

    I also would like to add that counseling and medication really helped me get over the "hump", I am hoping to ween off the meds but not the counseling for a long while. ...God has given you a New Life, embrace it, Don't fear it....That is what I keep tellng myself, every single day!!
    Last edited by mumofthree; 03-04-2009 at 11:02 AM. Reason: I wanted to add a few things

  3. #23

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    hang in there y'all. I've read this entire thread and I am amazed at the strength of you all. It wasn't your fault. it truly couldn't have been.

    I'm 32, when my parents moved to CO when i was 7, I began being baby-sat by the neighbors. of what I can remember, I was coaxed into doing many things by the two brothers who were older than I was, I'm guessing they were 12 and 14. This was an ongoing situation for about a year. I was basically their plaything. I was also coersed into sex with a 12 year old girl multiple times and had no idea what i was doing. she would basically make me have sex with her. at that time i had just turned 8 years old.

    I'm now sexualized in a way that is unpleasing. I have never abused anyone in this way in my childhood or adult life. but i do suffer some side effects which I am currently in therapy for. I have constant issues such as anxiety, depression, hypersexuality, self loathing, substance abuse, self destructive behavior and i am basically now bi-sexual which has taken my entire life to accept. because of the abuse, I followed the trend through my teens and early 20's until i realized that i was not actually gay, but had thought this to be true because of the abuse.

    I feel for you all soooo much. Your story's have really opened my eyes to the amount of this that is actually out there. Minigirl, Mimmi, Shiva, all of you, hang in there. you are not your pain. you are not the abuse. you are all beautiful and deserving of love and YOU WERE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE ABUSE.

    take care,

    J

  4. 04-09-2009, 11:45 PM
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    Troll

  5. #24

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    womaniser with trust issues

    Hello everyone i was molested by my cousin when i was 5yrs old. He also raped my sister. At first i hated him for what he did to my sister but now i hate him for what he did to me too. At the age of seven i was raped by my brothers friend. I had never dealt with issues till one day i was drunk and broke down and told my girlfriend everything. I was sexually confused for while i blamed myself for what had happened. I explored those feelings with a gay man from work. The next day i felt disgusted with my self i could look at myself in the mirror. So the way started to redeem myself was to go a sex rampage i was having sex with many questionable woman. I just dont really care i was raised for my body to give pleasure to others. I have been with my girlfriend for 2yrs but she tells how can you love me when you dont love yourself. This is the only serious relationship i ever had. I always broke it off when they started to close. I was afraid that they would lose all respect for me. I contemplated suicide but i cant tell anyone i know because they see and think im welll and good. Im going to law school and im goodlooking the whole reason why womanising is so easy for me. B but thats all in the surface my girlfriend lost respect for me when i told her i was with a man this was before her. Shes a good girl but i just cant seem to be faithful and dont to hurt her shes the only person besides my immediate family that has ever love me. my self steem is very low but i hide it well. Im twisted i enjoy having sex with married women not because of the sex but because i enjoy the thought of breaking a marriage up, it also proves to me how people cant be trusted. Those are the issues i have i my childhood ruined my life so i ruin others too just so they can feel what i feel. I just dont know what to do i cant tell my girlfriend what is happening because she will leave i betrayed her trust i dont wanna lose her she is what is holding me together but i never tell her because i got trust issues i dont want her to think im weak. Thanks for listening i hope you guys have some advice for me thank you.

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  7. #25
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    Stick to the truth regladless of what people say or think, and if you have other sisters i think you should try to help them i beat they went through this same thing with the monster, but in the first place why were u in denial? and why you liked it more? why?

  8. #26

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    Originally Posted by alcide
    Stick to the truth regladless of what people say or think, and if you have other sisters i think you should try to help them i beat they went through this same thing with the monster, but in the first place why were u in denial? and why you liked it more? why?
    My sister got help she saw a counselor. I just cant believe that 2 men took advantage of me i always seemed to blame it on me and figured i was gay or else they wouldnt have done it to me. im not attracted to men my mind just always assumes the worse everytime. My mind is my worst enemy right now.

  9. #27
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    how sad this hold dam thing is, i feel like screaming how can a dad a father do this to his own flesh and a step dad oh GOD HAVE MERCY, THEY DESERVE TO DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

  10. #28
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    After what he did to you, how can you think he won't do it to your daughter? how can u allow your daughter to be with this dog unsupervised? You never no, he might have not touch her , but who knows if he licked her or just pass his hands around her? and sperm on her how do you no he didnt,.

  11. #29

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    erections

    when I was young around 11-12 I would sometimes lie down on a bed and my mother would lay on top of me and I would get an erection. I have felt terrible about this and am almost 30 and talked to her about it today and felt it was wrong. She reassured me it was normal for boys that age and I feel sick about it though.

  12. #30
    Member Jenni Lee's Avatar
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    I haven't read everyone elses response yet, but I wanted to have my own without being influenced by theirs.

    I was molested myself. I never had any extra people put blame on me, but my best friend was shunned by her whole family and they called her a liar. Hearing her speak and the pain in her voice is obviously real. I can barely imagine how bad that would feel without wanting to break down in tears.

    I had enough issues with blaming myself for what happened. TO have others blame or not believe would be extremely painful. But I believe you. You wouldn't be here if it weren't true.

    First thing is first.... DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF FOR ANYTHING!!! You weren't the offender. No matter how used to it you got, or even if you learned to go with it, it's not your fault. Children are easily manipulated when they look at their abuser as someone of authority.

    The best thing I found was getting close to my best friend who has experienced a lot of the same things I did in life. It made me feel not so alone and gave me someone who understood my feelings.

    Unfortunately the memories will never go away (they haven't for me), but they will fade. I find that helping others and talking with other is a great way to heal.

    I was promiscuous myself during my teen years and I did get counseling right after the molestation was reported. My mother believed me the moment I said it. How could you not believe a little kid saying "mom, Robert has been having fake sex with me." She freaked! I had no idea what it was really called back then. I just had a neighbor (little older kid) witness it one time and tell me it was wrong, so I finally told my mom. It turns out that there was a whole molestation line in my family and I was the one who stopped it. My little sister was being molested with me, and I feel good that I had helped save her. But I held guilt for a long time for getting that person in trouble because towards the end I was even initiating some of the molestation (like getting out of the bath naked and dancing for him and flaunting myself. It's what I was trained to do)

    The guilt and feeling ruined is what held me back for so long. I slept with people because I felt that's how I got them to like me. I had no self-esteem for anything but my body. When I realized how much I've been used and abused, I wanted to close off.

    Memories started haunting me as sexual things came up.

    What helped me was I realized that the person I am with now LOVES me. He wants my body in a non-sick way. He wants to show his passion and love through natural ways. Eventually those thoughts will take over during sexual encounters with them while the 'being used' feeling fades.

    Just remember someone STOLE your innocence. But you are still a beautiful person!

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