Ask the Expert: Breaking up, Healing, Getting back together

Hello fellow eNotAloners!

Starting with this topic once a month or so we will be inviting professionals from other sites and organizations and host joined discussions focusing on various relationship and personal growth issues. The goal of doing joined discussions and that we can address our questions and concerns to professionals and see learn from their experience and knowledge.

It is important that we try and keep these topics organized and before posting a question for a profession make sure it has not already been asked by another member.

Toni Coleman, LCSW will host our first joined discussion and we will be focusing on breaking up, healing after breaking up, getting back together related issues.

Toni Coleman is a psychotherapist and relationship coach who specializes in working with singles who are trying to create healthy, lasting relationships. Her coaching also focuses on helping people to achieve happiness and a greater level of fulfillment in their present, single life.

Toni has over 20 years of experience in relationship counseling and coaching with singles and couples. She is the founder of Consum-mate Relationship Coaching, a dating and relationship site designed especially to assist singles with their most important relationship goals.

Toni has authored many articles related to meeting, dating, communicating, single life and healing from relationship loss. She designed and teaches the Creating Lasting Relationships class, which is a tele-workshop that teaches singles to define, implement and fulfill their life and relationship goals. Her free email newsletter, The Art of Intimacy, goes out to thousands of subscribers monthly.

I hear this many times...After a break-up some couples try to get back together, many times the "re-kindled" relationship fails not long after it started. I hear a lot that one person or the other, is having issues with trusting the person that left them (i.e. he/she left me once, how do I forgive (and forget) that, how do i open up to them again?)

What advice do you have for this issue?

Thanks!

Tip You do not have to wait Toni to answer pervious questions to post your question.

So if you have a question go ahead and post it.

I've got 2 questions.

The members of this site pretty much always suggest cutting contact with your ex after they break up with you. Do you agree that it's the best thing to do to heal a bruised heart? Is it also the best route to take if we would like to get back together with the person?

Secondly, do you think that couples who aren't doing too hot at the moment should take "breaks"? Should the person who is on the receiving end agree with taking the break or flat out say they want to break up? It seems to me that a break is a breakup with prolonged pain for the person who didn't want it.

How long do rebounding relationships last if they do at all?

dikaia880, this is a very good question.

After a break-up, there is anger, confusion, self-doubt, etc. It can take a while to work through these. It is especially hard because there often is no closure to the relationship- (ie) the "dumper" doesn't communicate openly with the "dumpee" about their feelings and neither person gets to talk it out and have a better understanding of what went wrong.

When they decide to get together again, it's often that the person who ended it expresses second thoughts, regret, etc. Unfortunately, it usually goes like "I really missed you, I realized my mistake afterwards, I really want to be with you, not with (other person), etc. Still, no real explanation of what went wrong.

So, they begin again with this HUGE THING between them that no one is really talking about. There is that happy excitement of getting back together and no one wants to spoil it by going back to the past.

However, that is what needs to happen. The person who feels wronged and unable to trust can only resolve these feelings by discussing them with their boy/girlfriend. If they feel unable due to fear of losing the person, this is a relationship that is being built on a very shaky foundation.

If the other person is unwilling to hear them out and share their feelings honestly- again, not a good sign.

It all boils down to honesty and openess- which is what builds (rebuilds) trust. Otherwise their feelings will fester under the surface and lead to insecurity, anger and resentment. These are real relationship killers.

Hope this was helpful.

Toni Coleman

Toni,

Thank you so much for the insightful advice! My bf and I broke up 2 days ago over the phone. For the past 9 months we were together, I always felt uncomfortable to tell him what was lacking in the relationship due to fear of losing him. I finally got up the courage to share my wants and needs with him 2 months ago. Unfortunately, I did not receieve any feedback nor see any improvement. He never opened up with me, so I started constantly reminding him about my feelings (and no, I don't believe I was nagging). He finally gave up and told me that he was unable to provide the kind of emotional support I deserve. I felt wounded and even had the urge to ask him to reconsider. But after reading your posting, knowing that he may never be able to open up with me, I decided to let it go.

Though I'd like to know what really went wrong in our relationship in order to move on. I have a feeling that there are more issues he was not telling me. I just need a proper closure. So I suggested to meet this weekend which he agreed. Now my question is, consider that he seems to have difficulty sharing his feelings (even when he tried to break up with me on the phone he sounded apprehensive), how do I get him to open up and tell me what really went wrong?

What good questions you guys have!

Duderanomi, this is definitely not a question with a "one size fits all" answer.

If a bona fide break-up has occurred then the person NOT wanting it will be greiving. This requires working through a process that takes us through loss and delivers us whole and ready to be in a relationship again. We cannot begin greiving when the relationship is not yet dead. In other words, having contact will keep the greiving person in a state of hopefullness and suspension. thereforeeee, they will not be able to begin moving on.

If a break-up is not really a firm thing- (ie) we need some time to think about this and decide what we are going to do, etc.- then contact may continue, and perhaps should continue.

Unfortunately, the person who wants a break-up will often try to "soften" it by saying something like "let's be friends" or "I'd like to stay in contact". This will most likely not work for the person who wants more. For they will be on the sidelines watching, while the other person moves on- no good.

If a person "hopes to get back together again", they may be just prolonging the pain. If it's over, it's over. The sooner they move on, the sooner they get on with their life.

If a couple is not doing well, they need to have a very open and honest talk about the problems between them. They could try counseling or one or both individuals could work on their issues, if they are key to the problem.

However, a break is just a break. Things won't magically work out because they have had a break.

Hope this helps,

Toni Coleman

Fantasia2004,

Rebounding is a term that everyone uses. However, you need to be sure if you are in one.

If you are dating someone who IS NOT OVER someone else and thereforeeee is not really available to you, this is a rebound.

If you are seeing someone who recently came out of a relationship, but is moving on and able to form a strong bond without leftover baggage, I would not define the relationship as a rebound.

It's not about the length of time. It's about the state of mind.

True rebound relationships will struggle and falter unless the person with unresolved issues deals with them. No real time frame for this.

Hope this helps,

Toni Coleman

Hello HummingBird -

You sound like a bright woman who will make good choices in this area.

The sad truth is that we can't make anyone do anything. We can try to help create an enviornment that encourages honesty and safe sharing, but that is all.

Using I staements is always good. (ie) I have been having difficulty because I don't understand. I would really appreciate it if you could help me with this.

Men often report that they feel attacked and then become defensive.

Let your ex know how you feel in a non-threatening and non-angry manner- if you can. Let him know how much you need his help with this.

This is your best shot at getting it. However, the rest is really up to him.

Hope this helps, Toni Coleman

Toni is it really possible to be friends with an ex because I did not respect his space and hurt him he is hesitant to trust me again or see me even as he sees someone else.

I am devestated I don't know what to do and I am crying hysterically to him about it.

Hi There - advice and insight would be great here!

I was with my beautiful gf for 13 months.. it moved very fast and we has such a lovely time together. We have very similar interests and cared for each other immensely. It was what I had looked for a very long time... and I finally found it! We were both 29.

She had some issues which she could not open up about... she was seeing a therapist to help her but she needed space. I suggested she have space but she could not be apart for more than 1 day. This happened three times in all... it hurt me but we loved each other so much!

The last time this happened we thought it best she move out and live nearby which she did. We arranged to see each other a few times a week but this did not work. Going from a full blown relationship to a few times a week just did not work at all. She needed space so I gave it to her. She suggested she have a month but i thought it was best she have as much time as required. Then we have problems!

She has her space and she will not have anything to do with me at all. Not even allowed to call each other and say hi... nothing! If I see her in the street I am not allowed to say hi.. this is hard for me! I have supported her so much and I get this! So I send her the odd text etc and she responds but then she stops... NO CONTACT! I don't react to well to this but finally give her NC.

Last Monday i go to dancing class thinking she would not be there. Well she is and i don't know what to do so I try and not be noticed. She sees me trying to not be noticed and immediately thinks I am stalking her... of course it looked that way but my intentions were honorable.

Next day i receive an email saying I do not want to have anything to do with you fro a very long time. This hurts!

Have you come accross this before? If so, have the parties involved communicated after this? I would like to be able to speak to her one day again but not right now!

Also, she comes from a very dysfunctional family. Mum divorced twice, grandfather three times, and plenty of other relationship issues within her family! Does this tend to reflect the way the younger generation behave going forward?

Your insight would be appreciated!

I took the adivce of some and emailed my ex just to say hello. He emailed me back and said he had been thinking of me. Well, I took this as a opportunity to invite him to hangout with my friends and I, but he hasn't replied back. He is a busy person with a very hetiv schedule and I keep wondering to myself if he just hasn't had time to get around to his emails. Should I call this guy? If so what would be the best thing to say?

Tony,

My ex and I lived together 1yr, & 2yr realtionship, he was my first serious true love, he had a 6yr relationship with his ex before me, he left her 4 me, he said he wasn't happy with her anymore, so we moved quickly into ours, very passionate, lots of loving, but also jealosy, and he didn't trust me ( he doesn't believe in guy friends, so down the drain went all my freinships) but I still loved him, and I felt he loved me, 3 months ago he broke things off, we were arguing way too much in the end, I really thought he was my soulmate we got along real good (in the good times) laugh, cry, dance, play, very deep serious times, good and bad, I mean it had a little of everything.

when he left me, i became depressed and got on medication, one week after I left the house he was already with someone else in our house, and she's still with him. not living with him, but already taking all the space she can)

even till this day if he asked i would go back...is this normal?? I'm still so in love with him, although i'm seeing someone now, who by the way is a great guy, i would leave him in a heart beat, because the passion, and urge to see him doesn't even come close to what I had with my ex, (in the beginning of my ex relationship) with this great guy I don't feel the same, but I'm attracted to him, and he makes me feel good, and happy, and myself.

What am I doing wrong that I can't move on, and my ex already has.... and is there a chance that he's on a rebound, and would regret letting me go?

after two months I decided to go off the medications, and do this the natural way, but i'm scared i'm gonna fall into a deeper depression soon.

please respond, I don't know what else to do...

Tony, I just had my gf of 9 months break up with me on vacation. Im 18 and going to college in RI and shes going to college in SC so its far. I've had been through a break up and i never found it easy i cried and cried (yes i cried) but after a few months i met my current ex -gf. We went out for 9 months and then i called her and (we have been havin problmes about her not being happy about college and stuff) she told me she wasn't happy and that it wasn't my fault that she wasn't happy but somehow i knew it was. THen she said that she liked us being friends better. After she said that it was like i kinda didn't even register it and then like a few days later when i got home from vacation i just totally broke down and couln't stop crying i just laying in bed and cried. Now this was a few days ago and im doing better but i haven't talked to her since then we agreed not to talk till today, and i decided not to call her. But i just keep thinking over and over in my mind about how it happened and just kept playing in my head and also i keep thinking about her with another guy and that just makes me almost throw up.

I called my ex a few days ago and told her everything and how i feel. It took a lot of guts to tell her i don't think we could be friends. She said to me that i was running away from my problems and i said that thats how i deal with stuff thats what works for me and i just wanted to move on. We decided not to call each other any more and i'd send her an e-mail within a few weeks. I just feel that every time i would call her or talk to her i would just get all those feelings back. I thought i did the right thing by telling her how i felt, she was a little mad and sad that i didn't want to be her friend. I was always very honest with her throughtout our realtionship except for some things i about my previous long realtionship. I think that was one of the reasons she broke up with me, i kick myself for being like that but if i were to do it again i would prolly do the same thing so. I was honest to her and to myself even if that does hurt her and me, its for the best. Is the " no contact " rule really a good way to get over someone in this "particular situation" or does that just not a good thing to do to yourself? she told me i was running from my problems, the reason i ask this is because i did do that with my previous ex-gf and it worked for the most part and i feel i got over her. sorry for this post being so long its been a tough week. Oh and feel free to add any other advice/ comments. thank you for your time!

Toni,

I have had no contact with my ex now about 4+ months. Since that time I have come to accept that it is over and I'm trying to move on with my life.

But as time goes by, I have come to realize I was so in love with this man that I did not see all the ways he lied to me. He was continually trying to protect himself instead of moving forward with our relationship. I gave up much to be with him and he never really gave up anything. He always hedged his bets. Now that we are apart he is able to pick up his life virtually without a bump because he never actually gave up his former life to be with me. I, on the other hand, have had to start all over again rebuilding a life for myself because I gave it all up for us to be together. How can I get past the anger of being used like that by him? How can I find more compassion for myself for not seeing it sooner?

Hi Sadboy-

Whew! She has really left a mess behind her. It's no wonder that you are confused and probably a bit angry with her. My sense is that you DO have some good insights into what is going on and expressed these in your posting.

She has "issues". She comes from a very dysfunctional family. The key word here is very. We all have dysfunction in our families, but the severity makes a big difference in how we handle our relationships as we move through time.

For reasons she refuses to talk about- and that you can't force her to talk about- she refuses to have anything to do with you. In fact, she appears to be making you a scapegoat for her problems (ie) you are the bad guy now. This is a common dynamic in dysfunctional families, groups, etc.

The important thing here is that YOU know you are not the bad guy. You need some physical and emotional distance right now. It doesn't appear that she will be able to talk about her issues with you, not anytime soon, anyway. Focus on yourself and your healing. Spend time with positive, supportive people. Get busy in healthy ways.

One last thing I feel compelled to ask- Do you have a history of being attracted to needy or dysfunctional women whom you can "rescue"? If so, think about why, what's in it for you and how you can pick women who have something to offer YOU.

Hope this helps,

Toni C.

Hello deeply depressed-

On the advice of your friends, you emailed your ex.

One can assume here that you have been discussing the issue of contacting him with your friends.

My question is- What was your goal in doing this (ie) getting back together? Or are you seeking friendship?

You say he is very busy- who isn't? However, I'm sure you know that we always make time for the things we want and that are important to us.

thereforeeee, it's a good guess that he hasn't responded to you because he either doesn't plan to or isn't sure what your intentions for contacting him are.

So, begin with an honest answer to yourself about what you are looking for from him. Then let him know- if you feel this is appropriate to do in this situation.

Then pay attention to what he doesn't say as well as what he says.

Hope this helps, Toni C.

Hello Toni,

Thankyou for giving your time to help others on this site.

Anyway my question is:

My girlfriend broke up with me just after x-mas after a six year relationship; totally unexpected on my behalf. Now I have been on a few dates with other girls since the breakup, I don't have a problem getting them to go out on a date, but although they have a great personality, funny, goodlooking, I just don't seem to fancy any of them.

I have now stopped casually dating because I don't feel good after being on a date, having to reject a second date...etc

So do you think that the breakup has left a somewhat underlying mental block in me as far as moving on is concerned, for example I might have built up the ex. to be something that she wasn't and no other girl has a chance to compete with that image, or can you think of anything else?

Do you also think it is best for me to stay away from dating for the moment?

Thanks for reading

Hi Rosa-

You began your posting with saying your ex was in a relationship with a woman that he left- for you. I'm seeing a pattern here. Does he have other exes he left this way?

He is exciting, intense, fun to be with, and makes you feel a certain way. Definitely, there was some strong chemistry between you two. But he was unable to really share his feelings about the problems you two were having. He ended the relationship abruptly and moved quickly to someone else.

I suggest you think about what most attracted you to him, and why. Do YOU have a history of attraction to guys like this? If so, I suggest you really look at where it comes from and where it could lead.

I also reccommend that you read my article on this subject on:

link removed

I don't think this guy will rebound back, based on how you have described him.

Get in touch with your needs and wants from a relationship and make sure whoever you choose has these to offer.

Hope this helps, Toni C.

Hey

they say that once the glass is shattered it can never be fixed(sorry if this sounds strange,it's said in greek in my island).Do u think that't true?ONce a couple have parted can they never have a doubt free relationship? Also take a look at this poem"since there's no help" by Michael Drayton

Now at the last gasp of love's latest breath

When his pulse fading,Passion speechless lies,

When faith is kneeling by his bef of death,

And Innocence is closing up his eyes,

Now if thou wouldst,when all have given him over,From death to life though mighst him recover yet.

Tell me what u think!

Hello nighlt234-

Let me begin by saying you should never feel you have to apologize for crying. In fact, I think guys who can admit to this have a lot of guts.

So, you had a relationship that seemed to be going well and yet there seemed to be some problem that she really wasn't sharing.

Then she announces she wants to be friends.

Had she shared her feelings earlier, you would have probably seen this coming. It's unfortunate that she was unable to do this- for your sake as well as hers. Compounding this is her statement that she wants to be friends. That's what SHE wants.

However, she has not asked you what you want, even though you did open up with her- GOOD FOR YOU.

Now, she is upset that you won't just go along with her desire, regardless of what it will do to you. You are not "running", you are choosing what is best for you.

My advice, put your own needs first here. You sound like a fairly insightful guy who works hard to have open and healthy communication with the women you date. However, she is not there- at least not yet.

My advice- Do what you need to do. If no contact works for you, then that is what is best. Spend time with friends and stay busy. You will get over this in time and the next woman could very well be the one.

Hope this helps,

Toni C.

Hi Makaw-

What a great question. I've actually been impressed with all the questions coming in.

You say that it's been 4.5 months and you are accepting the loss of this relationship. I disagree. It really has been a VERY short time- even though it probably seems like an eternity.

The process of greiving has stages- which you are probably at least a little familiar with. Know the hardest one to get through? You guessed it- ANGER. I think you are there now. It will take time, support and some action on your part.

You are not only angry with him- but with yourself. There's an old expression that the "hardest person to forgive is ourself". This is so true.

You should try writing a letter to him, detailing all your feelings. Don't mail it- just get it all out. Also, spend time with supportive, positive friends. Lastly, consider doing some reading about the grief process. There is much written about it that could be useful.

As hard as this has been, if you learn from it, you will take that experience into your next relationship. This will benefit you in ways you can't yet imagine.

Hope this helps,

Toni C.

Hi Toni!

Background: link removed

i was wondering if you could help me understand my situation better.

Here's a brief overview:

ok, well me and my ex, were each other's first love, serious relationship, we went out for 4 years on and off, because we broke up a couple of times. Actually he broke up with me, i never broke up with him. Anyways, he and i fought alot, and he got sick of it. we love each other but said we are too different people. everytime we broke up, he would come back to me when i would implement no contact. he would miss me. but this time around he broke up with me in feb for good. he said i was too clingy and was smothering him and he felt that i didn't trust him,( he gave me reasons for that, he never cheated but I had suspicions.) then after he broke up with me in feb, i was begging and pleading that same day but said he had made up his mind. so i did no contact, he would initiate contact and i would respond most of the time, but not all. so then we slowly started hanging out a lot and talking more and then i thought we were getting back, when the whole time he was thinking we were just more that friends. i felt used because he was hanging out with friends and not putting me as a priority. he hung out with me when he was bored and lonely so i was telling him that and that's when the fights started. then finally in june he stopped calling me as much and he was being cold and rude. he told me he would call me and for me to not call him as much. he was hanging out with friends alot and for what i know there was no girl. then one day he didn't return my phone call when i told him i needed to talk to him and so i couldn't take it anymore and decided to disconnect my number. this was on july 3. the last time we spoke was on june 29. i have not heard from him through email or anything. i just got an email a couple of days ago with his mother concerned about my whereabouts since I was close to the family. I was a good gf. i was loyal, and everything. so that's the story. i would like to hear your input now that you have more details about the situation. right now, he has no clue what i'm doing and as far as he knows i've disappeared from the face of this earth. I feel that he neglected me alot of the times and I don't want to give in soo soon b/c he has taken advantage of my niceness. Thanks again for your help!!

**Details are in my post in the getting back together section, under am i doing the right thing?

****Please answer back and let me know what you think, and if you think he might come back to me? if he's gonna realize what you realized when your ex left? did i make a mistake of disconnecting my phone?

****** I think he might have a borderline personality disorder.

Hi Tony,

My ex and I had been seeing one another for the past 6 years, serious for the past 4, great friends for all 6. She and I met when she was 19 and I was 26; she was a secretary at a law firm where I worked. She pursued me pretty aggressively and during the first year and a half it was not a healthy relationship...mostly an intense physical relationship but I fell in love with her and committed.

Since then we had a strong relationship. I was generous in lending my strength to her and her family (she comes from a broken home and had a lot of issues with her dad who left her and her mom when she was very young) and we welcomed each other into one another's families and were both surprised and very happy at how well we seemed to blend in by just being ourselves.

She is in her last year at the college and itts been a tough couple of years, her being 4 hours away and me working high stress hours as a corporate attorney in a firm. For the year prior to the breakup, she was talking about marriage and the plan was to get engaged this summer. In the course of 4 months that all got unwound leading up to her hitting the eject button 5 months ago.

There were a few pressure points that sprang up in the past couple months, including me pushing to hold to our plan of getting engaged this summer. She also met a new group of friends and was finally feeling accepted at school. I think all these things converging at once, coupled with me being overworked and unattentive (and in a surly mood half the time we talked) pushed her over the edge. She claimed she needed to be independent, felt she was too young to get married, and basically wanted a break. She was EXTREMELY distraught and confused, kept asking me for reassurance that we would be okay, claimed repeatedly that she wanted to be with me long term and have our children, etc. Nonetheless, by break she meant total independence with no limitations on who she did what with though she claimed (and I believe) that her independence was not motivated by a need to see other people, just the opportunity to be independent.

I was floored and wanted nothing more than to be with her, but said that I could not speak to her until she was able to think of me as the only man in her life, and that she should not contact me for any other reason. That was 5 months ago and I have not had any contact with her since.

I'm having some regrets/doubts about the ultimatum I gave, but at the time I didn't think I could have handled knowing that she was free to date other people. I do understand her need for independence and in some ways think that it was the missing piece standing in the way of us forging a relationship that could rise to the next level. I'm moving on, but I am still convinced that the relationship could work and am torn between pushing hard to continue no contact and keeping in touch with her to see where her head and heart is at.

Do you think I should continue to maintain no contact and allow her to cycle through whatever she is cycling through or do you think I should retract the ultimatum and try to find some middle ground that could leave the door open to reconciliation? If the latter, how does one avoid being strung along yet also not slip into the 'just friends' category?

Caveat