To all of those who are going through a break up...

I hope this sheds some light on things....

Earlier this year my partner of 4 years just decided he needed to 'find himself' and broke things off. Only one week after we'd celebrated our anniversary....Oh how I cried! And in front of him too! It was tragic, I broke down, begged him not to leave, I cried and I cried...but after an hour or so of talking (and crying!) I realised he'd made up his mind so I gave him my blessing and said 'do what you need to do'. Then I went home to my family, got drunk with my sister, and poured my heart out to them. Then hung out with my girfriends for the next few days, cried over dinner, cried at work, cried to my boss...I went through weeks of just sleeping, I gave up all the things I used to enjoy, i.e. going to the gym, listening to music, drawing, writing etc. I also discovered around this time that I had an illness that would remain with me for life (nothing life-threatening, but still somthing to be worried about). I stopped doing my uni work, went out most nights of the week clubbing, drinking...I've always been someone who looked after their health but that all went out the window. I started smoking again. Eating junk food all the time...(gotta watch that emotional eating!) I had an affair for a few weeks (and I use the word 'affair' because it was basically just sex), which lost me most of my friends. I hooked up with randoms at clubs and parties....It was like some bad TV show where the main character goes crazy after they get dumped! And the irony is most people thought I was doing fine, and this was all during the no-contact time with my ex.....

BUT....eventually something changed. I woke up to myself. I realised I was going to be in trouble if I didn't focus back on my studies...and I'd tried too hard to get where I was to fail. So it started with that - I threw myself back into my work and hit the books big time. I used all that energy previously spent on self destruction to study, study, study. I started going back to the gym. I quit smoking (again). I started eating properly (again). I surrounded myself with real friends, even though that meant my social life was a bit quiet for a while. I got back in touch with my family, and some old friends I'd neglected for a while. And on on one of those nights, when catching up with an old school friend, I met a really nice guy. Now I don't want you to think that's the happy ending...he is lovely, yes, but its early days yet and it may not work out. But you know what? I've learned that whatever happens, I'll be OK. And I've learned I have some wonderful friends and family that love me regardless. But most importantly, (and I know it sounds corny!) I've learned to love myself. For all of you who are missing someone desperately and think the pain will never go away, it does. You have to have faith in yourself and have faith that things will eventually change...whether that means you get back together or not, life is full of ups and downs, highs and lows. I suggest use the time to really get back in touch with yourself and to those around you...learn things about yourself you never knew, try something different. Travel, explore, treat yourself. Just try not to destroy yourself like I did! (I'm still working off those extra kilos!).

Now I hope I don't sound like a preacher, cos thats not what I'm trying to do....I actually visited this site during my hardest moments and I can't begin to tell you how much it helped to know I wasn't alone in what I was going through. I think that was what really helped me turn myself around. Cos often we look around us at others and feel totally alone...but you're not! So many people are going through the same thing. So I guess what I'm trying to say is thakyou

Anyway, hope it helps!

P.S. The ex and I are now seeing eachother as friends - I think he's shocked at how I've pulled myself together! So for those of you who are wondering how to get them back...making yourself happy 1st really is the best way...he asked, but I declined - decided solo was the way to go!

Cheers oxoxox

Your post will definitely inspire others and let them know the pain and suffering will pass.

More important, I hope they don't overlook one simple statement you made that holds the key to happiness...

I've learned to love myself.

If more people would take the time to really get to know themselves they wouldn't settle for less than what they deserve.

I've always said, "Relationships are not complicated. People complicate them."

I truly wish you the best Shazza.

A great story and as the goodman said, the part about learning to love yourself was crucial. And its also worth pointing out that you're EX DID come around, but this time IT WAS THE DUMPEE that had the last word and had the strength to decline the offer. Many people don't believe this but its that perspective that you gain during that time of reflection that's sooo critical. There were a few bumps in the road, but now you're in a goood place. Congrats and I wish you the very best!

Kip

Question: Do you need to "force" yourself to move on and get on with your life and learn to love yourself? What if this is not how you feel at the time but know you SHOULD do it.

Do you need some kind of spiritual awakening to do this effectively or is the answer just to plunge in there into self improvement land even though your heart is breaking inside?

Might sound like stupid questions but when people say "learn to love yourself", "improve yourself", "look after yourself", "better yourself"..... I often ask myself, well.... HOW exactly?

Do you have to reach some kind of rock bottom for this realisation?

How long was it when you were able to pull yourself out of it. how long did you go through "the mess"

Ive been missing my ex for nearly 3 months now, and i consider that too long.

x

Brandell,

There are usually four options when getting over a break up:

1. Force yourself

2. Sit back and wait for it to pass

3. Lose control and go on a binge

4. Go back with the ex because it's too painful to be without them

In my experience (and others will chime in I'm sure) is to force yourself to move on and get your life back. Even when you don't want to do it.

The hardest part is to get started. Once you start doing it you will begin to realize it's not that bad.

Hitting "rock bottom" is not a good option although it does serve as an enlightening wake-up experience. It is truly a tough road to go down.

You don't actually set out to "love yourself." You attempt to deal with the problems and issues that plague you. During the process you begin to love yourself for you know you deserve more, you know you're not a bad person and so on.

I have noticed there is often a "spiritual awakening" that occur when you begin to love yourself. I'm not sure if it is necessary though. Have to look into that.

moneypennyxx,

Unfortunately, there isn't a timeframe in which one can be guaranteed to get over their ex. If that was the case so many of us wouldn't suffer for so long.

There are so many factors that come into play. With that said, on average, it takes anywhere from three months to two years or more.

This depends on how long you were in the relationship, what you felt for the person and how the relationship ended.

wow very good post thank you!

Brandell,

I don't know what you, or anyone else has experienced, but the week before the breakup, and more so the past couple of days when I pretty much knew it was coming, and then it did come, I have been having these crazy spiritual experiences. And by crazy I mean, I thought all the talk about God (not trying to offend anyone) but I thought it was stupid and silly and so pointless. I thought that people praying were wasting their time. Now I am experiencing and feeling that there is someone out there, and it feels crazy to me...it is so foreign. I am one of the people that I used to look at and think, they just don't have enought strength to do it on their own, so they have to believe in this fake entity.

All I know is that there is something out there and the strange thing is that something spiritual has been happening to my ex too.....his father told me taht he noticed this. And my ex was even more of a disbeliever than me.....just some interesting things to think about.

Also, I have hit rock bottom, I truly have. It's not just losing someone for me, it's losing my whole life as I knew it. We lived together, have a house together, dog together, debt together....everything together. So I have hit rock bottom and now I've realized that I need to change myself before I can truly be happy with him, or anyone else. So my opinion is that as much as you want to change and try to change, #1 it will never happen unless the changes are for yourself and #2 these changes can only happen if you hit rock bottom. The worst possible time in your life so that you realize these changes are nessessary so that you don't continue the same destructive patterns and so that you change your whole life.

I just read your post, and god it's like you're telling my life.

I was also with my boy friend for four years and he went to Los Angeles to visit his family ( he moved here four years ago to be with me) and a night before he was due back, he called me to tell me he wasn't coming back, and that if he sees me it would change his mind. His mother is Jewish ultra orthodox and didn't want us to be together since I am not Jewish, yet I don't know the reason, other than he missed his family too much. He came back to pack his things and take his car and didn't call me. We haven't talked… only once 10 days after the phone call (because he even left La, when he ended with me, he wanted to be alone). When we talk things were horrible, I didn't beg him at all… I was very mad at him, he acted like a coward ! so since then we haven't talk at all. I have been able to access his e-mails, only to find pictures of him and his ex partying together…does that mean anything, I don't know. I know he didn't cheat on me, in fact every body was shocked that he ended with me since he looked so In love and I was sure to have the man of my life in my arms. We were just great, a great team. I am his first true love, he knew he wanted me since he was 13. No at 23, I am left alone, with no answers, not even a real break up to visualize. He is gone, avoiding me and not wanting to hear from me at all.. he's erasing me and most likely seeing his ex again!

I lost sanity!!!!! I miss him every day, yet hate him so much for taking the easy way out and letting me deal with every thing. I wonder every day how he did, and if he will regret it. He' s planning to contact me in a couple of years hoping we will be friends. He knows we can be together, bec f him family and all… but how can he be w someone already?

I lost it the same way you did. I started smoking again as well, party and all, drink, smoke anything that can help. But also every body around me thinks I am doing great and that I am fine, bec I don't want anything to get to him, I don't want him to think I am not ok, maybe it would be good to make him guilty thinking he hurt me, but I have too much proud to let him see how he destroyed me…I keep on telling myself, if he could leave, still pretending that he loves me, then he never truly loved me, he only loved himself! It's so hard… I know…it kills me. I cal in sick every other day. Can't do anything…… I feel the same things you felt!

I am slowing trying to start my life. I am truly but missing him ad wondering about him are a part of my routine… even thus I have had no contact with him what so ever!

Your experience give us hope!

Thank you for sharing it with us!