Anger Management

I'm having an issue with a friend who is a naturally difficult and argumentative person. I've always been a very patient person... if you ask anyone of my family they would tell you I'm the most patient person they ever knew. I rarely blow my patience or lose my temper with anyone- except for when I'm with this friend.

He has this way of talking critically of people in a really loud voice in front of them...thinking that he can't be heard by the people he's talking about. For instance, on vacation a few weeks ago he was insulting a big group of happy diner's next to our table at a nice fine restaurant. Kept saying "Her dress makes me want to vomit." or "Where did she buy that laugh? The dime store?"

I guess the whole table he was insulting could hear him all throughout their meal but pretended not to hear him. After they finished and were leaving one of the men came over and said to him "I'm sorry we ruined your dinner. I hope you don't vomit."

My friend was embarrassed but as the man turned and walked away he said under his voice "You'll make me vomit unless you leave right now." The man turned and waved as he left the room with his friends. My friend was moody all the rest of that night and looked pretty depressed about what he'd done.

Nonetheless, he keeps doing it whenever we go to a bar or restaurant still. I keep telling him to shut-up or else someone would hear him... he says "I don't care, they need to hear how stupid they look."

I'm really tired of his behavior and I've lost my patience with him and exploded about how indecent his behavior is... how do I make him stop?

Personally, I would just tell him that I was not willing to go out anywhere with him with that kind of behaviour. You gave him a warning, next time just get up and leave if he does that.

And if he does this all the time, why are you his friend? Personally, I could not stand to be around someone who would be doing that over and over. Maybe it is his own insecurities, but it is still obnoxious & juvenile.

Whenever I do this he tells me I'm over-reacting and that I need to chill out. I feel like the bad person for trying to curttail his fun. He's said "You never let me have any fun." and I've told him he shouldn't be having so much fun at the expense of others... he says I'm too uptight and goody-two-shoes. That's been my curse forever... I have a master's degree in criminal justice-- I'm smart-- but I've always been made fun of for taking life so seriously.

I guess it's my problem....I do wish he would grow up though.

Now he is just turning the tables on you and trying to make you seem in the wrong.

There is a difference between humour, and being just inconsiderate of other people's feelings. You DON'T make fun of the people at the table next to you. Saying "her dress makes me want to vomit" is what an 8-yr old would do amongst his friends (and that is being generous).

I would not say I am uptight by any stretch, and have a great sense of humour - but I am also respectful. Remember, HIS behaviour when you are with him will be reflected on you by those around you.

Your friend has self-worth issues. He is like the classic bully in the playground, in an attempt to cover their lack of self-worth, they draw attention to someone else's negative aspects. Through this they feel the center of attention, in control of the situation, and better about themselves. Yet, it's a short term solution and, ironically, they feel even worse about themselves after it (as you have seen). Actually, the fact your friend felt bad afterwards is a plus - it means he has a conscience.

I suggest you tell him that he is verbally abusive and you do not appreciate how he treats other people - you wouldn't stand for someone treating him like that and you won't stand for him treating people like that. He's a bully and needs to look inside himself to understand why.

As well, always remember that people will judge you based on the people you choose to spend your time with.

Your question was "How do I get him to stop?".

I am afraid, the answer is that you cannot. I have a small set of personal experience with a co-worker that behaves in this fashion. He manages to alienate, within minutes, everyone around him. I avoid this person as best as possible as does most of my coworkers.

The sad thing is that he, and it appears your friend, tend to put the blame of the problem on everyone else. That is the way they are, and if you do not like it, it is your problem.

Since you have an advanced degree in criminology, you surely can see the anti-social aspects of this behavior.

Sooner or later he is going to make the wrong comment to the wrong person and there will be a tradegy that you read about on the 6 o'clock news. Make sure you are not part of the tragedy.

~AzurePhoenix