48 hours into the break from abusive man

Let me be sure I understood you...Are you saying that you and your ex took each other for granted? If so, I wish you would stop a minute and think about why you are including yourself in those recriminations. I am sure that there were times you took him for granted, but my goodness, how much more has he done to you and how little did he care, or even notice! That is taking for granted...not having the decency to see that your partner is hurt, just following your own agenda.

Honey, stop including yourself in the blame game. I have done it, too. I used to say that I was wrong to raise my voice to him (after listening to the yelling, name-calling, threats for hours), and I believed I was. I held myself to that standard. He never did. I doubt your ex has, either.

We are none of us perfect. But please remember that there are levels of tolerance and levels of abuse. Try to see clearly.

You are going to be fine. Me,too, I hope. Stay strong as you can!

I think I was in an abusive relationship too.

 

Funny how you don't even realise until it is too late and they have sapped all the life out of you.

 

Have you ever heard of this phenomenon: Stockholm syndrome? Look it up on the web.

 

Do you think abusers even love their victims? Or is it something else?

Abuse always takes place slowly. As the victim, it must be a gradual buildup, because any more quicker and you could have realised the abuse, and probably put an end to the relationship. Having recently just left an abusive relationship, I can't believe I let my ex walk over me during the 6 months we were together, while I walked on eggshells the whole time. It happened because I let it happen - I didn't have the courage to speak up (for fear of losing the relationship), and I didnt' have the common sense to realise what was going on.

From my perspective, I believe that my ex truly did love me. I wasn't some Tom off the street that she randomly chose to be with. For everything that she picked on about, I know they mattered to her. And if I were just a (platonic) friend, she wouldn't think about the issue for more than 3 seconds. I believe that abusers just have a different reality of love. To my ex, she wanted near total control, she wanted a one way street.

Hi All,

your right, I do understand that his "taking for granted" was much worse than mine. But I am only recognizing how much the abuse and control had changed me. The longer I stay away, the more I see. I became someone I did not like and as a result I too became abusive or as close to it as I would like. I cannot solely blame him. We make our own choices good or bad and I chose to stay with a person who in a nutshell was bad for me and honestly it was the intense self hatred I had for myself that led to the final straw. I know that this person is sick, and has even managed to find some order in his internal chaos. BUT I do know that this person does not want to be this way. But obviously not enough to change himself. He still believes different scenery will change him. I feel sorry for him, because as we all know you can run, but you can never hide. As far as I am concerned, each day is getting easier but harder too. I cant seem to wrap my head around the fact that people like this exist and I gave my all to one. And it disturbs me more that I truly believe in this life when you get a chance to ammend your wrongs , you do so with all that you are.But than again, how do ammend almost taking someone's life and spirit? So I am choosing to just try to ride along on this new journey that has begun. I have to believe that it will end up somewhere better for me. I got some insider information from a friend of mine who is very similar to him and he basically told me that I was a pawn in this crazy game that people play. I certainly did not know this, I still believe that honesty and trust will get you everything, not manipulation, control and fear.And pretty much, he has found someone who apparently has experience in the game. I deceided that the best way to win was not to play. I dont want to know the rules and how it works.So still n/c and definatly more calm these days to say the least.

This posting has helped me immensely. I too, fell for a guy who had a brilliant facade for about a month. Then he became mean, and pretty much stayed there, obviously injecting some "good behaviors" in. Scary, he even knew when he was "being good."

Examples: "You kiss me wrong" "When you touch me it's like sand paper" "You call me too much" "You want to see me too much."Eggshells is understatement. But reading these posts and just having this forum at 4 AM when all of my friends are asleep is making me realize what an abuser I was with. If, Lord Forbid, I ever tried to talk about our relationship he would stonewall me and allow a total of three sentence discussions, so I was the perpetual Nag. Finally, he told me "I love you but I don't need you, b/c I don't need people." Whatever that means. I figured out tonight he has moved on, and ultimately his new GF will with almost 100% certainty be the recipient of his dreck.

The worst is that I had real feelings for him, so I was always trying to navigate these labrynths. It was a nightmare, the ups and downs, and now things are harder. I want to/have to be with someone healthy, though it's shattering to the ego to break it off and see that they have moved on. This is the hardest part for me, the fear of the future and the feelings of undesirability that I have now, from being ground down. But remember, you did end this. That speaks volumes about you. You didn't have to leave him, you chose to. And it's not going to be easy, for a while. You might feel like a whacko for missing him, if you do, and that's ok. It's ok to feel weak. It's NOT ok to return, but it sounds like you're a million times healthier now. Whatever "good behavior" he enacts with "different scenery" will wear down to his eventual real unhealthy, damaged self. And this has had nor will ever have ANYTHING to do with the people he chooses.

Hi mochaleet,

It's interesting that sometimes we don't realize that our relationship is an abusive one until we see someone else's story and all the similarities. Then it hits home and we are forced to see it for what it is. I am glad that you found this site and it's helped you.

I know what you mean about eggshells and the fear of not being desirable to someone else. My ex used to tell me nobody would want me.(Boy was he ever wrong ! ) but at the time I was so broken down that I totally believed him and I too was afraid. And about them moving on--he remarried 4 months after the divorce ! I couldn't believe it, but then again abusers need the other person or they cease to feel in control--that's my opinion.

Good luck to you and I hope that you continue to post about how you are coming along. We are here for you

Yup! Yup! I completely agree with Muneca. In all of our cases, I see that abusers often want 'control'. It's as if when they don't have control, they try to find alternative means to gain it. One of the most effective ways is 'mind control.' It's funny because in the beginning, you can't really tell who's the abusive type or not, until they reveal who they truly are, when they get what they want. At first, it's sweet talk, sweet words that's used to seduce you. Acting in a gentlemanly manner, being the best that he can be to try and prove some kind of front. Then when you let go and start to trust them enough to reveal about your weaknesses, that's when they reel you in and use mind control. Abusers feed you words that you want to hear. When they're not getting what they want, they literally try to break you down. They'll use your pain and frustrations against you. I don't understand how people can be so sick sometimes.

Of course being that you trust them, it hurts like hell to know how some people can be so apathetic. It doesn't surprise me how prevalent abuse goes hand in hand with those who survived childhood abuse (i.e. sexual and/or physical). Actually, it's really sad. Especially because survivors of childhood sexual/domestic abuse often run into abusers all over again in their adult relationships, when in fact, that's the ultimate scenario that they want to avoid! It's like some kind of curse that doesn't seem to go away. I can't believe the crap that human beings put others through. All of that torment and torture? And to run into it again, when all they want is safety and security? And what do these abusers do? They carelessly take advantage of these victims. They destroy it! Well you know what? In the end, it's time to just say "No."

Remember the "Just Say No" campaign that Mrs. Reagan promoted? Well this is how I see it: use that slogan and slap it in their face. "Just Say No" the next time they come back into your life and try to destroy your well-being again. Kick them out of your life. Drop them like a bad habit!! It's as if when you do gain a sense of happiness and stablitiy in your life, all they want is to rock your boat, and turn your world upside down. Don't fall as a victim to their 'mind-control' anymore. Ask yourself if they are truly what you want in your life? Do you really want to settle for them? Do they really have any kind of promising future going for themselves? (I doubt it. I doubt that abusers will stop abusing. Not unless if they realize how awful they were, and truly take actions to 'correct' their behavior.) Do you really want to forfit your life, your future, your emotions, and your happiness for someone who doesn't have much going for themselves? Just the miserable people, the same people who will get you nowhere in life?

This advice goes for anyone who's been a survivor of abuse, especially childhood abuse. Remember that you're not the same child who's scared anyone. You're an adult now. Your life is in your hands, and no one can take it away from you. Not even the abusers. Find strength and willpower among yourself. I guarantee you, there are lots of other things to be happy about in life, rather than just settling for someone who's going to put you through torment. And keep in mind, there are people who are out there for themselves. So make sure that you're strong and well prepared. Don't allow yourself to fall as a victim. Be strong, and take every experience that you have with you as a way to reinforce your character. Learn from every pain and misery that you've gone through. In some ways, it's kind of like a gift. A life lived without pain is not a life lived at all. Take these experiences and learn from it. We wouldn't know what the meaning of true happiness is, if we don't experience pain. It's an inevitable part of being a human being. Sometimes it takes a great deal of pain to realize what makes us happy.

I wish you guys all the best. Be strong and have faith in yourselves. Please be cautious and take care.-Mahlina

Hi all

a little update. Staying strong and every day gets easier. Almost too easy, but hey I am now at the point where I can see him separate from myself and those feelings I had. And suffice to say I don't like what I see. I am dating - and suprisingly enough, my standards have risen and so are the quality of men I am seeing. I am no where near ready for a relationship but I am ready for fun. To be able to look at a man and not feel those feelings of fear, shame and guilt is better than an all expense paid trip to Bali. Time does heal all wounds. and I have lastly forgiven myself for staying so long and I see more now than not the person I used to be and she ain't so bad. Thanks I will be updating.

Congratulations! Its good to hear from you.

I'm so very proud of how you are doing. You sound so much brighter and free in your post now than you did just a short while ago. You have a bright future ahead. So take your time and figure out what you want. There is no hurry. Be choosy!

There is no better feeling in the world than when you remember how to love yourself

Hey All:

I'm back. We got back and gave it a good shot but his drinking has increased and now he has developed an online gambling problem. He constantly tells me he can't be himself around me. He said that I am only happy when he is lovey dovey and when he has some other interest, I find fault with him. This is untrue. But when we sat down to discuss it, he was drinking and had just lost $750.00 in the last week on online poker. I think he was already upset. He said I was a B*tch and I didn't know how to be his friend. He said that I am the only woman he has ever been with that makes him wish he were dead. he went on and on slamming things, cursing in my face, and finally left, and sped away in the rain, drunk.

I don't even feel bad. I didn't even cry. I think I am just so used to the terrible things he says in agner, that it nolonger effects me.

He called later that night about 10 times, leaving messages, apologizing, bla bla bla. I never called back.

I feel that I finally want this relationship to end. It has no future and now that his drinking is coupled with gambling, I don't want to even try to fight a battle that I will most likely lose.

I am finally ready to let go. I don't care anymore what he thinks and I think this is key for me. I think I always wanted to work it out, because I wanted to show him that I wasn't all those things he said I was. I wanted to prove that I was a good friend and girlfriend.

But the reality is, he will see me the way he chooses to and I have no control over that. I can only control how I respond. I can choose to let it effect me or not.

I am finally choosing to take control of myself and my feelings and to stop giving him all the power.

I know what I am, I don't need some drunk, gambling, abusive, moron to tell me that I am worthwhile.

Lightbulb!

Thanks for listening....

Hey girl,

Glad to see you and know that you are trying to move forward. This is your first step. I know it is hard to let go, for me it felt like a failure even when I knew I had given it my all, the good thing is that you are finally going to do something about your situation.

You are right, you will make it and you can be strong. I learned something from the abusive relationship--I was not the other persons parent, he was not my responsibility, he was an adult and he would not die without me. I seemed to feel that he would not be ok if I left... funny thing is he re-married within months. I guess he really couldn't be alone...oh sorry I went on about myself.

It's not going to be easy, it's an uphill climb but at least you know that you did give it your all, your last try and in the end it was no longer up to you. He is the one that is not willing to change.

Now that you have made up your mind--try not to go back.

You will have a good future. BEST WISHES

Hi:

I'm still hanging on.... Every minute is tough but I am still in control and I like it. Thanks for the encouragement! I'm sure the days to come will be hard. He is still calling, but I am trying to change my old patterns and I am deleting the messages instead of saving them so I can hear his voice (when he is nice) apologizing over and over, etc. This way, I can make new better habits, like not allowing myself to be a doormat anymore. I need to stay focused and remember who he really is and how he has treated me...

I was never able to be alone, and I'm very uncomfortable.

I need to relearn how to live with myself...

Thanks.

Is the dog ok???

What does that mean?