48 hours into the break from abusive man

I appreciate all of your words of truth, but I still am so raw on the inside. If I could just let it go as you say I would not be sending the posts. How do you let it go? I am having panic attacks and can't stop thinking about it. I know it takes time but it seems to be getting worse. I have not contacted him amd will not. But I want this person to do the right thing by ME. I know he never will but how do make peace with this?

You make peace by telling yourself that YOU did nothing wrong. That you did not deserve to be treated like this. That he hurt you and he needs help but YOU could never fix him. You stop feeling sorry for him and tell yourself he would have hurt you more if he had stayed. You tell yourself that you are glad he is gone ( until you believe it)

You need to work on your self-esteem. Abusers break you down mentally and emotionally before the physical abuse starts. They want you to think you need them more than they need you. You lose your sense of self worth and that's how they get to you. You need to get it back by telling yourself that you are a loving person and worth so much more and believing it.

You might want to look into couseling. I don't know where you live but there might be some abuse hotline or something that you can get information. Go to a church, they sometimes have this information for you. Talk to somebody.

Hi all, I still have not made contact & neither has he. I started therapy and I am feeling a little better. How do I get rid of the desire to dial pain? How do I get over missong him still. It has registered that he is no good and I can have more but this burning feeling in my chest is not getting any better.

Time is the best healer for you now. I'm really happy you started therapy. Eventually thats going to help you too. But it will take a little while. These feelings don't just go away overnight (but it sure would be nice - wouldn't it?). You will still grieve a bit. And you have a lot to sort through. So give yourself permission to feel like crap some days. Eventually there will be fewer and fewer days where you feel bad.

How do I get rid of the desire to dial pain?

I'm not exactly sure what you mean by this question. Can you elaborate?

avman

Hi Avman,

Dialing pain, means calling him would cause me further pain. I do realize that allot of issues I had prior had allot to do with this relationship turning into a disaster. But I still want this person in my life, I cant seem to get get past it. In a world where I was alone, he was the 1st person I shared myself with emotionally. It is difficult.

Hi Usedtobestrong, I know how you feel. When I started therapy, I was still with my abusive ex, and that's why I realized I couldn't stay in the situation. But even though I knew what was going on, I still yearned for him. I've been going through no contact and just when I was feeling great again he popped back into my life, and you know what? The part of me that longed for him to be by my side was still there but it wasn't as strong. I was even scared of the fact that my feelings were fading. But ever since I started therapy I've learned how to be honest with myself and not bury things or lie to myself to make myself feel better, and that keeps me out of a lot of trouble. I wanted to call him, see him, have him come over, but I know now that there is no magic reunion that is going to happen. And this past week and a half, I have put so much effort into thinking about myself rather than him, I've gotten too strong to just go back to feeling those old feelings. It really works you know, working on making yourself feel good. But when you're with someone who has hurt you, those spiritual muscles get weak within you. You have to strengthen them, or you can never feel better. It's like when you start weight training, and at first you feel ridiculous, like you're totally weak and you'll never enjoy this, and the next day you're sore and you just want to stay away from the gym. Think of your personal growth like that--you have to keep working at it. Keep telling yourself you're a good person and you're strong, hang out with new people who don't treat you badly. It doesn't happen right away, it takes weeks and weeks of continued conditioning, but one day he'll call, and you'll feel that old twinge, but your strength will overpower it, and you'll go, "oh my gosh! He called and it made me sad, but it didn't take away all the good stuff I've been feeliing all week!" Believe me, it can happen. I was a wreck. Now I can't believe how great it is to find the old me, the me who existed before I even met my ex. It's a slow processs...I saw my ex last night accidently and it sent me into tears again. But instead of crying all night, I only cried for a half hour, and when I stopped I felt a lot better. I didn't feel lost or broken. I just felt the old sadness attached to old feelings.

I'm glad you found outside help.

When I left my abusive ex I thought " I'm not going to make it" but I had a big motivator : my children. I knew I couldn't live like that or put my children through that. I didn't want them to grow up and abuse their children as the statistics say.

Find something that will motivate you to stay the course and not go back. You will come out of this and you will find your strength again.

Love

MY word what an evil s*d this man has been to you.

First of all think about your son. You say in your post that you supported this man and HIS son and shortchanged your own son. Your son needs you now more than ever. 3 years have gone by and gradually his mother has been changing.

You said that you are finding it hard not to pick up the phone - I assume you mean to call the man? - Please don't call him - Not because I'm asking, but please don't call him for your sake.

You are not to blame. He has a violence problem - It is a common thing among men for some reason. My father was the same though my mother got out when I was young. Please think about your son and put him first - Not your ex-violent-partner. What is this man worth to you? - He is nothing. He is violent. He assaulted you. You are worth better than that.

There's not really much more that can be said other than the fact that if you need to talk people are always on this site to help.

-Jamie.

If you want to talk them PM me, email me: email removed or msn me: email removed (No emails to hotmail - they'll bounce).

Hi all,

thanks for your words of encouragement. I appreciate and need them all. I know on all aspects of this you are all right, its just getting my heart to follow my head at this point. Oddly enough I have one dilema. He still has belongings to pick up in the hallway of my apt. he does not have acces on the inside, I have asked his mother to tell him to pick this stuff up for two weeks, but he is just busy.... Its his sons belongings and I dont want to throw them out but I really want to be rid of it all. What to do?

Give him a deadline to pick them up and if he doesn't meet it tell him you will place his belongings outside the apartment building for him to retrieve when he feels like it (or when everyone who wants some of his stuff is finished picking it over). That should get him motivated.

You sound a bit better - I'm very glad to hear that. We're behind you every step. Other members who have been through this have given you some excellent advice. Keep going my friend.

avman

Thanks so much. I find myself forgetting about the violence and remembering only the good. Its funny when its over thats what we tend to do, but really I know I will be much happier this way. I have started to regain my old life back and who I once was but hopefully this time it will be better all the way around. I still have not called the jerk. And I probably won't, but someday soon we will run into each other. He is taking his new girlfriend to my church each sunday and sorry to say there are no other churches for me to attend. I took him there. But inside I am not really ok with leaving things in such a state with anyone. The last time I saw him was the day he hit me with a dog leash and my last words where "go ruin somebody's else's life". I feel the nned for that closure, but I know that he does not deserve it. The heart in the head are a hard thing to sync up. After a lifetime of abandonment, abuse and other issues, he was the first person I emotionally opened up to and thats the part I miss ,the connection.

usedtobestrong,

I just read your entire post from a few weeks ago, and followed your progress over that time. And I can honestly use the word "progress", because you're moving forward. Don't let this "idealization" of who you remember him as drag you down, or keep you from progressing.

I went through this long phase where I had this perfect picture of who my ex was to me, and it included all of the great things I remember about him. But guess what, it didn't include the abuse, being hit, being strangled on numerous occasions, destroying out home. I failed to remember those things. But now I do I better job of remembering them, because I broke no contact a few weeks ago. He even told me that I deserved any abuse that was ever taken out on me. That's the person I don't want to remember, but I have to remember, because that's who he is. Whether or not that's the person I loved, that's who he is. I need to remember to pray more now for his new "girlfriend", because soon she will see that side of him, too.

People who hit can change, but usually they don't. But, it's not worth your life, or your son's life, to take that chance.

STOP making up this false image of him, made up of only good things. I even went so far as to make a list of all of the bad things he ever did to me. I've never looked at this list since writing it. I don't need to.

Remember, there will be someone else out there who you can connect with, and open up to. But, you won't be able to connect with that new person if you're still connected to him. One thing I've noticed about abusers, they want to stay in our hearts/minds, because that's part of their plan, to continue to abuse us even when they're gone. That's the part only WE can stop.

Stay strong.....

Hi again, just wanted to check in with you and see how things were going. I check this posting a lot, because it's true--you have made much progress since your first 48 hours of not speaking to your ex. It gets easier every day, but be prepared for lapses in feeling good, and know you'll think of something new to say to your ex that will make you want to call him, be it for closure or because you think it's time to talk again. Prolong the no-contact for as long as possible. My ex tried to get in touch with me a few days ago, I think I spoke about it in an earlier post, and I had the same feelings you had, about wanting closure. I didn't want our last communication to be ugly or damaging. I ended up calling him but got his voicemail, thank goodness, because it's really better that we don't speak or see each other. I just left him a message saying I was happy, I was doing fine, I didn't hate him but I didn't want to be hurt anymore, so I wished him the best. I haven't heard from him since. The night he tried to see me was Thursday night. He'd left messages saying he'd made a mistake, and now he looks around and realizes what is missing from his life. As much as I would like to believe it, I think he was just lonely at the time, and maybe the other girls he'd been hanging out with weren't around. I don't like thinking of myself as a fallback plan, but the fact is if he treated me so badly when we were together, he couldn't possibly understand how to love me. So why would him saying he loves me now make any difference? It doesn't. He is just sad and lonely, and I would rather by loved by someone who is excited and happy to love me, not shamed and disgusted with himself. These are things to think about when you are alone and there is no one to talk to, and you start missing the times when your ex was in your life. The person you love should be there to enhance your life, not complete it, and if you feel empty when they aren't around there is something wrong. I am working on not feeling empty when I am alone, so the next time I find someone I care about, it will only be positive. But I'm glad you are starting to heal. In a few weeks you will look back and you won't believe how far you've come.

More to the point when he picks up his things try to have as many friends around as possible. He won't feel like being violent in public - Men don't.

Also perhaps you could speak with the local cops - Maybe they can spare 1 or 2 officers when he comes around? - I know it's unlikely but if you explain that he's violent and you are worried they might just help.

Good luck

-Turboz

Thank you all for your words and encouragement. I am still staying strong with no contact and I have decided to donate his sons things he left behind to a group home for boys in my neighborhood. I actually took all of his mail and wrote return to sender. He still is on my mind and each day I pray for the strentgh to not only reclaim my life but to make it the best it cam be. Oddly enough, I finally listened to the messages he left right after the the last incident and he was remourseful and apologetic and he does feel that his being away from me is better for me and for the first time he is keeping his word. But I know now, in my mind that over time my heart will catch up. But it is still difficult .

I broke n/c today. I called and asked him to pick up his things by 7 PM or tomorrow or have them donated. We spoke for awhile. he tried the blame game and he's a the victem but I halted it and spoke truly and reminded him of his part. He acknowledged I will be a hard act to follow and he lost the best women he ever had, but we could not get along and I corrected him stating the the environment in which he created was not condusive to getting along with anyone. He had no way put but to at least acknowledge. He apologized but I said thanks but the apology was not accepted. He tried to manipulate and it was tough, but I am seeing a little more clearly now and I just kept my focus on the big prize which was me. This is a person i gave my all and they gave me less than half. There was apost earlier that said she felt now she would rather be loved by someone who loved them than no love at all and I just kept reminding myself. I wished him luck in his new relationship and said I was happy he found someone and that it all works out( in time I will and hopefully one day when I am I ready I too will have the same. It wasnt that painful and really i feel much better saying my peace. I did let him know that we will not be friends and I have no desire to speak to him again. Strangely enough he kept referring to all of the progress his son had and my response was I miss his son, I wish him the best and hopefully one day when he is older he will look me up and let him know that I love him and this has nothing to do with him. And I left it at that. I am feeling a bit vulnerable now but I do feel like it was the right thing for me. To end it how he ended it would have made me like him. Honestly if he feels better and wants to perceive this as absolution then fine. But I know there will be a day when he will want to call and realize that he can't and then thats when he will see he never got his absolution. All of his ex's are friends with him, but I can't. This is someone who thought my love was worth a dog leash. But truthfully I still wish he would come back and make it all right, but at the same time i knwo that is up to me to make it all right with me and he is not interested and not capable. You guys have been great and really in the darkest hours it has been this website and the posters that have helped me stay on track. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

Good job. I'm glad you are staying strong and focusing on yourself rather than his manipulations.

You are doing the right thing. Perhaps someday he will see what has really happened and make some positive changes in his life. But that is up to him now. You just keep doing what you are doing. You are doing great!

You broke the no contact rule? - Staying strong huh?

I think not.

Have as little to do with this man as you can. He's violent and you know it. Having contact is like asking for trouble.

Best wishes

-Turboz

You are doing good. I understand your need to tell him how you feel and what he did to you. From now on you can focus better on yourself and on your own needs.

You are a prize and no one should treat you this way. In the future just remember not to give more of yourself before the other person has given of himself first. This helps to keep your value in his eyes

You will do great, keep being strong.

Hi all,

you were right. After I broke no contact I felt good for a little while than I went into deep spiral of darkness, i was was desperate for this person and I am struggling with taking 100 % of the blame. The truth is this person was 100 % right in all the things he said about me and what I needed to work on, but he was wrong in his approach. After reading and attending therapy I realized that a) he is an abuser. b) I am abused woman and for almost 4 years I never wanted to admit it. It angers me he still has no clue what he has done or what he is and how actions are charecteristics of that an abuser. But I try to focus on me as much as I can but there is allot of pain, not only from him but my life in general which lead me to this choice. Somedays its difficult, I was so desperate and it scared me. But today is ok, I stayed busy on me. But it is tough, he finally came to pick up his things which my landlord made him call me to make sure it was ok and that just set me off. Truthfully he is toxic and I became more toxis as a line of defense and also suffering from Post traumatic Stress disorder from the death of my boyfriend earlier, but when you care about someone , you are supportive and nuturing not abusing them. he could have helped and he chose to hurt. But strangly halfway through he changed his tune, but by then I had adapted the behavior to survive and sustain. The nights are the worst and for the first time in 4 years I have drwams and nightmares again, unfdortunatly they are aboiut him but mayve someday they will change. Thanks and you guys have really helped me hold it together.

PS the good news is, he believes it was all my fault so he wants to have nothing to do with me. So at least I am safe in that area. He has someone new who he thinks is the answer to all his problems.

UsedtobeStrong,

You are doing very well.

I can only imagine how angry you must feel at this man. It is going to take some time to get rid of this anger.

Just please make sure you do not call him. You need distance and he knows you well enough to push your buttons and reel you back in if you talk to him at all.

He may think it is all your fault at the moment but trust me, his conscience will catch up with him one day and his guilt will eat him away from the inside.

Hi Kate111,

this is the issue I struggle with. He has has no conscious. He is void of that emotion. He runs from place to place avoiding his isues. And I wrestle with the fact that he will never pay for this. Jail has never worked, reasoning has never worked, yelling has never worked. He has an arsenal of enablers behind him. How does this stop. I worry for the next woman, but at the same time I want it all behind me and yet I still want him to acknoledge and ammend what he has done to me and my life. How do I get this?

Usedtobestrong, I hope that you continue without contacting him. I think there is really nothing he can say to you that will make this ok. No amount of apologies will ever take away the fear, anger and hurt that you are feeling. Maybe he has never had to own up to what he has done because he always blames others?

In my case my abuser was a person who thought "everyone is out to get me" "everyone is jealous of me and wants to see me down" That is so unhealthy. He never was responsible for his own actions- it was always "someone else's fault" even if indirectly. I don't think he will ever change.

The time has come for you to heal and move on. Wondering what you could have done different or hoping that he can say something to make you feel better is probably not going to happen.

Best of luck to you !

Hi all,

today is tough, some things are happening with people who are close to me and I feel the need to reach out to him. But I know in my head he is no longer there for me. This is so difficult, to be alone again. My friends are there but they too have their lives and are getting tired. I am feeling very alone.