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48 hours into the break from abusive man


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Hi all,

this is my first post but I am so desperate... I met a man 3 years ago, one year after my boyfriend had died in front of me. In the beginning he seemed like prince charming. After 6 weeks and some unusual circumstances he moved in with me (out of neccesity) and face it I did not want to be alone. Things were going well, he wanted to be in the business I was in and asked for my help within the next month. I was uncomfortable with this and he never voiced exactly what kind of help and when I refused he became violent. 3 years later I have been supporting this man and his son, neglecting ,myself and short changing my own kid and after the final straw a few days ago, when I found out he was cheating and moved his stuff out and changed the locks. He came back to collect a few things and I asked him to leave and he refused where he began to beat our dog with a metal end of a leash and then turned on me. I tried to call the police but i do not want to drag this out. He has been calling trying to apoligize, not to get me back , he wants the relationship over. I understand his need to try to get absolution from this, but I am trying desperatly not to give. But I am still stuck with all these emotions of self doubt, fear and uncertainy and most of all I wish the guy I met in the beggining would re-surface. He does not understand what he does and I cant live like this anymore. But what am I to do in the meantime? I am depressed, sad, lonely, scared. I have talked to several professionals already, but I still have this mass of confusion and I must admit it hard not to pick up the phone.

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I do not see a man which was repeatedly violent calling you up to apologize and meaning it. I may be wrong, but I thought it was very common for abusiers to see the light and offer apologies, then revert right back to the abusice behavior. Stay away, from this guy and being to make yourself a life without him. In order to get yourself strong and make sure you break the cycle you need to stay away. Whatever he offered you that was good is just not worth the bad. More important than what he might do to you is what he might do to your son. You need to to keep him safe and to be ther for him. Good luck.

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Hello usedtobestrong and welcome,

 

You are in a very vulnerable position right now so I can understand all of your feelings. This man has shredded your self confidence and left you questioning your ability to "make it" on your own. Thats extremely common in an abusive controlling relationship. He keeps you dependant on him so that you feel you have no choice but to stay with him.

 

I admire your courage in kicking him out. I suggest now that you get a restraining order to keep him from coming anywhere close to you. If he does show up, call the police. This man does not deserve your respect, nor your consideration. He will only take advantage of any consideration you show him and use it to control you again.

 

The man you met at the beginning was an illusion. A persona that he created to draw you in. That person never existed. You've seen the true man now and he's dangerous for you and for your child.

 

When you feel lonely, or scared - please call a friend. No matter what time it is day or night. A true friend will understand and will race to your side. Or call a family member just to talk and hear a loving voice. And if a friend or family isn't available - then come here and we will sit with you. But do not contact this man. You risk falling under his spell again.

 

Stay strong girl. Its going to be ok.

 

avman

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I'm very sorry to hear you've been put through this.

 

Having been in a mentally/emotionally abusive relationship myself, I can tell you a couple of things that might help.

 

First - the prince charming you saw was the facade, it's not under the surface - that IS the surface. This is the mask the world sees that allows him to get close to people and control and exploit their weaknesses. This is not the real him. The real person, the abusive one, only surfaces privately, after the facade has secured a place for him with someone, and is kept private. I'll bet most people would look at him and think "Joe? Abusive?" and laugh because he "seems like such a nice guy," and a man's man who is good buddies with many, though close to few.

 

Second - apologizing IS a cycle. Whether it's to get you back or not, it's not because he honestly intends to change his behaviour and sees something WRONG with it, it's offering you lip service to reinforce his OWN point of view he has nothing to feel guilty about. And to be able to weaken your resolve that he's abusive, to try to get you to take part of the blame and make allowances for his behaviour.

 

Do NOT call him or contact him. Avoid seeing him alone, if he still has things to collect, have a male friend or relative you trust there, or have the police there; you don't have to press charges to have them there for security purposes. He is a bully who has shown his lack of control and ability to use physical violence against something smaller and at his mercy - do not put yourself or your son at his mercy and take any chances, get him out of your life and keep him there, and if he persists in contacting you, GET A RESTRAINING ORDER.

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I think the hardest part of being abused is the break down of self. Healing from physical blows goes quicker than healing does from the damage done to our minds, hearts and souls. When I left, it was as if I didn't know how to do ANYTHING. I had to relearn the most basic things, this from a one time professional woman! For instance, how to call to have utilities turned on. Simple things! It honestly took me a solid year, with a lot of hard work and help from friends, family, and yes, the counsellors to get back to a functioning adult. And in all this, I felt guilty for leaving! I felt sorry for him and his problems. I put myself down for not being able to love him enough to stay. I felt responsible for his state.

 

I had to relearn how to think of myself first, because I had been "trained" to always think of him first...that was really hard because it's so embedded deep in the subconscious. I had to hear (in women's shelter group) over and over that His thinking was the mixed up one, because thinking anything contrary to him was unfathomable! I obviously didn't know up from down and I had to stay clear of him and his influences so that other's ideas could eventually be considered by my numb brain.

 

Slowly, dawning of what used to be "me" started to come thru. That was scary too, because I no longer trusted my thinking or capabilities. Also frightening because I started to think contrary to him--what would his response be--what repercussions would ensue??? Friends and family were so important at this stage because they confirmed that this "new" thinking was on the right track.

 

It's been 2 years now and he's still the absolutely clueless "victim" (i LEFT him!). I'm back in college. My daughter and I are having fun together and not living in constant fear. She had a fantastic year in school.

 

Don't walk or tiptoe away from this man...RUN!!! It takes time to separate the "him" that is imprinted in you. Know that you are a worthy loving person...relearn that if it sounds false to you now.

 

Someone asked me once "How much rent is he paying?" I'm like, what??? She said, "With all that time he's spent in your head, I was wondering how much rent he's been paying you!!"

 

My heartfelt prayers are with you...Lelu

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Hey, all of the posters of above, all have strong points. I personally, got involved in a mentally/emotionally/verbally abusive relationship, that later escalated into a 'physically'abusive relationship. Trust me. If this guy has the ability to abuse you like that. You can literally lay there in a pool of blood, and he cculd care less about your bleeding! Abusive men only think about themselves. It's true. They do really know how to 'fake it' in the beginning. You'll think that you're falling for 'Prince Charming,' when in reality, they're just the oppossite.

 

I would read carefully through what the above posters say. I couldn't have said it any better. But, I do also have one suggestion to make for you, buy a book on abusive men and abusive relationships. I can't afford counseling, so buying this book really helps. It's called, Ditch That Jerk: Dealing with Men Who Control and Hurt Women, by Pamela Jayne, M.A. This book helps out so much. I don't talk about my problems to my family/friends that much. So, that book is like a personal reference/counselor, if you don't feel comfortable with talking it out to those in person. Also, the author lists out different profiles of 'abusive men,' and 'abusive characterisitcs'. So the next time you decide to seriously date, 'when you're ready, the author lists out 'common characteristics' of potentially abusive men. Go to your local library to check it out. If they don't have it, you can also request for a copy.

 

Whatever you do, stay away from him. I know how it feels. And for almost over a year now, after our 'official' breakup, I'm still recovering. What Avman says is true! What my ex put me through, really ate up my identity. I lost a lot of my motivation, passions, and aspirations. I used to be the 'up & going' kinda person, determined, happy, and uplifted, now I'm just the oppossite. Some days, it's hard for me to get out of bed. The abuse really ate away at my self-determination. So, listen to what others have to say. Save yourself, before he takes the last part of you.

 

Disconnect or change your cell-number. Disconnect ALL or ANY kind of contact that he might have to try and reach you. Sooner or later, he'll realize that you don't need him in your life. This 'unhealthy' behavior is something that no one should tolerate! Stand up for yourself, and fight back through your mind. The road to recovery takes a while, depending on how well each person handles it. So, realize that there is hope, you just have to find it. The first thing to handle your problem, and carry on, is to:

1. Set yourself free from him.

2. Regain yourself- leave time to be autonomous, and balance it with hanging out with friends, or just keeping busy in general.

3. Give yourself time to recover. Time is the ultimate healer. That means no contact, otherwise it defeats the whole purpose of trying ot recover.

4. Get to know yourself again- abuse really strips away your personal-identity. Try to find your motivation again.

 

It's taking me about close to a year. I still get depressed, and do detach away from others around me every so often. But slowly, with the help of friends keeping me company, and parents who are concerned enough to help me to eat, and keep my life in 'balance', I'm glad that I'm slowly recovering, and HOPE that you will too! Hang in there. There are lots of other people who will help you to make your life happier, and he's not one of them. Focus on those who will help to motivate/inspire you. Hang in there. Take Care. -Mahlina

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hi all,

another sleepless night i sat here and read of the replies and thank you. The sleeplessness took place by another conversation with a mutual friend of ours- she too was involved with him 5 years ago and he was never violent in their relationship until the end when she too kicked him out, where he almost took her eye out, but in this case she gave hin the ultimatum to check into a hospital or jail. he checked in to a hospital and faked his way through it. But the most disturbing part of it all is his response of when she told him i ended going to the hositpital. His response was yeah right! whatever! I am still having no contact and it is hard. But it is all washing over me that I am an abused woman who has been stripped of the very things you have spoken of. I am so lost, and most of all it sickens me that people like this exist and sad to say I miss the idea of him, also I am in a different state 3000 miles away from family and friends and alone again. honestly in the middle of the night i panicked and called ( blocked my number) but hung up immediately. I am saddened that someone I gave so much too and shared with for three years I will never speak to again. Oddly enough he has had abusive relationships in the past but none to this degree of violence with me. WHY?

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Why? Why was he more violent with you?

 

Why he or anyone is abusive is not an easy thing to answer. Someone who has really scientifically researched it might be able to give an answer, but I've always thought it was something wrong with them. Something that made them insecure and being abusive allowed them to take someone else down, making them feel more secure. A bully feels big when he is picking on someone.

 

Why was he more abusive with you? Maybe he is just escalating over time. Maybe he had other reasons to feel mroe insecure, such as the reasons that drove him to move in with you.

 

Does why really matter? Sure these answers mgiht make you feel better, but the real reason is that there is something wrong with him. Does it matter if that problem is a chemical problem in his brain, a personality disorder, from someone abusing him, or anything else. Consider him to be like a rabid animal or a rattlesnake, and stay away.

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Day 4 - he keeps calling, all of this after I find out he takes his New Girlfriend to my church that I introduced him too. This leaving me not wanting to go to a place I need to be. He keeps wanting to apoligize. I still do not answer. Although I want to. I am losing my mind, along with everything else he has taken....

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1) if you don't have it, get call blocking on your phone, and BLOCK HIS NUMBER. You don't need to agonize counting his calls, being tempted to pick up, so block him out. If he really needs to tell you something important, he can relay it through a friend. Period.

 

2) Make yourself a "when I'm weakening" list, of things you can do when you get that urge to call. Rearranging your room, the living room, organizing kitchen cabinets, take your son out... anything that both burns energy and burns time is good. If you can get past the "moment" it's MUCH easier to say "thank GOD I didn't call" and rearranging stuff is like a minor way of rearranging your life. If you're not seeing "nice" moments, ghosts of him, every time you look at your bed, couch, etc, it's one less reminder you need. And if he has anything left there, box it up, duct tape it shut, and find a mutual acquaintance to get it to him. One less excuse for him to try to contact you, and more reminders of him out of your life.

 

3) Call those hotline people, and your pastor, and get yourself into a support group. For one, this will give you a WHOLE group of people who can REALLY relate right in your neighborhood - and there IS strength in numbers. And these are people who you can feel you're helping support, even as you're getting ideas and support from them, it'll help you get a bit of sense of self back knowing your experience might be helping someone else resist going back to an abuse cycle. And you'll have a group of people you can start getting to know, meet for coffee at weak moments, and they can do the same for you, and tell you every reason you DON'T want to talk to him again. People who are or have been in your shoes who you won't have to feel embarrassed or ashamed in front of.

 

4) If you're uncomfortable going to your church for services, call and ask the pastor to come to you. It's not an imposition. That's what they are THERE for in a large part, to offer counseling, and support, to the people they serve in God's name. And they would be more upset that you hesitated to turn to them - so let them give you a hand, and guide you to get more strength and comfort from your faith.

 

Keep posting here as well, we're all behind you. We all care, and have faith you can make it through this. Nothing will sound stupid, and we won't judge, but we can and will continue to listen and offer whatever we can.

 

Best of luck to you!!!

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Hi All,

Thanks so much... I am not answering his calls still and he finally quit calling. I came home yesterday and he had moved the rest of his stuff out of the hallway ( I changed the locks) But I still want this person back. Not the way that he is but the way he can be. I know its not right and this is my opportunity to move on, but somewhere inside of me believes there are couples who have gotten help and moved past this and had long happy lives. why cant this happen. I want him to be hurting too but he doesnt. I am still not sleeping well or eating. I wish I could stop thinking of him onnce and for all. It saddens he he trying to recreate our life with someone else.

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I know its not right and this is my opportunity to move on, but somewhere inside of me believes there are couples who have gotten help and moved past this and had long happy lives.

 

You are right, this has indeed happened. But the key word in what you have written is couples. See in your case - he doesn't want help. He doesn't believe he has a problem. thereforeeee it will NOT get better. He is in denial that there is even anything wrong with him. The only cases where things could get better is if he admitted he had a problem and got some treatment. But thats not going to happen in this case. And you my friend cannot seek help on his behalf. You cannot take the treatment courses for him. These are all things he must do himself.

 

Realize this, that he is not creating "your" life with someone else. He is simply repeating his pattern of abuse which he has already had a go with on you. This other woman is not "lucky", she is in danger. I hope and pray she figures him out before anything serious happens to her. Because with abusers, its only a matter of time.

 

avman

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Hey now girl, do not be blaming yourself for HIS failings. And you have no information whether he he broken his pattern or not.

 

People do not break those patterns for others. They have to do it for themselves. To become a better person. To improve themselves and correct their own problems. If they try to do it "for" somebody else it rarely lasts. Especially with abusers.

 

I'm not about to let you take the blame for this guy. This is exactly what abusers do. Lay the blame on everyone else and make THEM feel guilty. So chin up girl. None of this is your fault. And you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Period.

 

avman

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thank you so much... he left me a vm yesterday, saying he would not call me anymore but he wants to help me finacially all I have to do is ask... now I supported him for three years and he doesnt even have the money yet, he is supposed to next week. I am not calling, and he knows this but why the message? he said I was his best friend, he misses me its hard not talking to me, im going to be hard to forget.. it almost broke me, but i deleted it. I am so confused. why must he try to have any link with me.

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Because abusers like to control. So he wants to keep the link with you to keep the control in place. Whatever you do, don't take any money from him. That just allows him to keep control of you and keep you dependant on him.

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Your post of "48 hours" got my attention and my heart really goes out to you. I admire that you are a strong woman. You were on your own before you met him. You were raising your child all by yourself. You produced your own business. It really stinks that this man has let you down, and it's even harder because his son was in your life too. If your child and his were close, then the grief and questions your child has is even more of a burden on you. I truly understand your pain. How long does it take to get over him? How long will it take to get used to him not being there, whether he was being good or bad? It seems like it takes FOREVERRRRR! I wish for you some time to yourself where you can think about all of this and just let it go. I pray that you will be able to cry and sob over the loss of: 1. What you (and your child) had with him, 2. What you hoped it would be, 3. What you now see is the truth and never will be, 4. The anger that it happened to you.

 

After you have been able to do this a few times, the pain will start to lessen and your mind will clear. Accepting the reality that this whole situation is rotten will help, too. One more thing, give that little person who calls you "Mommy" some extra special lovin, kids hurt too.

 

Good luck and stay strong!

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RThanks for all of your support. I still ahve not contacted him and alas he has quit trying. I am scared and desperate. I am trying to do what is best. But I also cannot deny the feelings of codependency I feel towards this man. I just want be able to breathe again. I know that things will never be the way I want them to be, but isnt something better than nothing? How am I ever going to get past it, I know that I will never get over it. I am lonely scared and have allot going on in the upcoming days or weeks, my friends are somewhat supportive but I know I need professional help but cannot afford it. I have good moments but each morning I wake up in fear and anguish and I panic. But I dont call him because I know that it would probably make me feel worse I just want to know that this person gives a damn past his own needs.

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but I know I need professional help but cannot afford it.

 

Have you checked into a church or other house of worship in your location? Many, many of them have counseling programs and other assistance to help you at low to no cost. They can also help by giving you a sense of community and support that you may not have available to you right now through other means. They welcome everyone who is lost, hurting, and in need of support.

 

I just want to know that this person gives a damn past his own needs.

 

The answer to this one is easy. No - he doesn't care beyond his own needs. If he did, he would have never abused you in the first place.

 

Keep talking it out my friend, this is how the healing happens.

 

avman

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Hi all,

the mornings are the worst but by noon I am ok for a few hours. still he has not called & neither have I . I did text message from the web to his phone to pick up his son's belongings today while I am at work. I actually do not know if he got it. but I followed up with a call to his mother, who knows all of what he is , and did not want to know anymore. I packed his sons stuff and it is devastating to me, I loved him as if he were my own. I know in the long run I will be better off but I still wish he could change and we could make everything alright. But i know there is no we, only I. I am in so much pain. I am losing my spirit not my mind.

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I want to call this man and say I still do not know, I know I wont get the response I want want but it so hard. I know I should be channeling my energy and mind into making something better for me and my kid, but this is eating away at my mind.. I am staying strong with no contact but it is difficult and I break down all day. Help.

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One day at a time. Thats all you can do right now. Just get to tomorrow. And then tomorrow worry about the next day. Just remember you CAN live without him - because if you couldn't you'd already have died. See how that works? You can do this. Just set small goals for yourself each day.

 

Try and get yourself out of the house. The less time moping in the house the better. Be around other people as much as possible, even if you dont feel like it. Keep those friends of yours busy on the phone and in person if you can.

 

You're doing fine.

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Hi All,

I am so angry, how can he go on as if nothing ever happened?? How can he be happy with someone else, while I am here in agony and trying to put back the pieces that he shattered my life into? I gave him everything! I am so angry. He may up marrying this girl and be all that I needed him to be, all the while on my blood, sweat and tears. I want some sort of vindication not vengence but I need that. what am I to do. My life is torn apart and his is in tact. I know this is not heathly but I am dying inside.

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Hello there,

Girl you have forgotten who YOU are. Before this man came along you were doing well by yourself with your child. You did not NEED him, in fact he needed you. You took him in and supported him. You helped him out. He did not help you.

 

I want to say for anyone else reading this : When you take a man in and you support him he thinks YOU are MOMMY and he will go and find himself a Girlfriend, because he will see you as overbearing. Sometimes a man needs help in which case you can take him in but he MUST pay his own way and contribute to the home.

 

Girl you must let go of this obsession because that is what it has become. He is not going to change. He is not going to be a good man. He needs help. The best thing you can do is to let him go. Do this for your child- he should not grow up in an abusive home-and do it for you. It seems like it will never end, but it does. One day you will wonder why on Earth you ever felt "sorry" for him( been there )

 

And Never give a man EVERYTHING-leave something for you

 

You will be OK

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READ-actual life telling experience with same problem- Plz do not do it usedtobestrong u sound just like my mother when she was 19.She was in a horrible stage in her life where she had no where else to go and did want to be alone.She had a man who would physically and mentally abuse her all the time.He would shoot bee-bees off the side of the shed and they would hit my mom in the face.She has been very mentally abused and is very sociaphobic nowadays and has many problems.He would physcially abuse her slightly the first time then beg for her to come back then would just abuse her again.He did that about 4 times when finally one day my mom ate some chicken and she got food poisoning where she had to go to the hospital and walk down there 4 blocks.The doctor said if she had came 15 minutes later she would be dead so these things scare me.She thinks that it wasnt food poisining but that guy actually trying to poison her to kill her,he was a ruthless bastard.HE also did things that would effect her mental stability such as with her dog.One day her dog ate some poisining put on the grass and it had to be taken to the vet right away.But the a-hole said no we gotta eat with the family first and my mom was very attracted to this dog and loved it as a great friend as that was the only thing she could grasp on to in life.As she felt there was nothing else to love or be loved by she had to do something to cope with her bad depression.But back to the story on that day they sat and ate dinner as my mom was very worried.then after 20 minutes my om was very ready to go and the nearest vet hospital was 12 minutes away they started heading there.And as they started turning intot he town that had the hospital the dog died in her arms.This guy would not care and basically not care about anything my mom had and was breakign her down mentally.He was a very evil person and sorry my post is so long but its just many factors that may effect other people and just the outcomes.I'm not sayign this guy would be the same way but i wouldnt want you or someone else to take a chance liek this and i know my mom wouldnt because she was extremely effected by this experience.I feel that i might some day want to go down there and beat that guys ass but that would not fix anything.I know i am juts lucky to be here because of my moms problem and my dads problem in vietnam getting grazed by bullets and almost getting shot many of times.Maybe to be careful just dont do it because it might lead into a bad experience that you wish you never got yourself into.Do it for future gernerations because i know im glad to be here and make your life a great thing and god bless.

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