What to do next....please no sugar coating on this one.....

Hi,

I'm 25 yrs old, this last weekend the most dissappointing moment of my life happened. I really need some guidance and advice on where to go.

I gave two years to this man who, we shared a house together.

before us, he had a 6yr relationship, and w/o wasting time we were involved.

We had real good times, we had real bad times, but we had deep loving, I really felt loved, and I really believed this was it for me. We had all those good talks about future, kids, marriage, and life.

We argued plenty but always believed we could work thing out.

I'm more passive, he is very explosive, never phisically aggressive but his temperament is very short. I truly believe he did try to control his temperament sometimes, but it was difficult for him. i always tried to be understanding....but for the past few months anything would trigger an argument.

I moved out two weeks ago, and decided to NC, Several times he called I didn't pick up the phone.

I knew he was already hanging out with his no good friends, doing who knows what, he's a good looking guy, so there is no doubt in my mind of what could happen.

This weekend I broke the rule and picked up the phone when he called, and we set up a date to meet, "to pick up the mail in his house" so he never c/b that night so I went to sleep.

The next day I had a funny feeling and decided to pick the mail up myself, I called when I was at the front door, and painfully found out there was another girl in the house.

This has been the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and I never thougt that it would.

It's only been one week since we were last together, how can someone else be in my bed, and in the house that I gave so much love to make my home??...

At that moment I was calm and just spoke softly to him and said to forget that i ever existed in his world and to please neved call or look for me again.

I left crying....I now feel that this cannot get any worse..but I don't hate him...I know that he will never look for me again.

I have a great job, live in a nice apt. and have supportive friends, but I still feel alone and very sad, and taken like a fool.

I know we were not oficially together, but does that give him the right to be with someone when he last called me was still telling me that he missed me and wanted to see me?? I think he just got busted trying to start playing games, and I just had that weird feeling...

Please give me some real advice withous sugar coating,

I don't know what to do next....

thanks.

Johy

In many ways I have been there.. done that. Not the moving in parts and a few other details but the general feeling is very much the same. *sigh*..

You told him to never see you again. I think most likely you are doing the right thing. He sounds like the kind of guy that will feel no remorse over doing this to you, my ex is as well (how aggrivating!!!!!). So, and I know this is hard, but try to do what is best for you. Try to do what will help you get over him, get out of this emotional turmoil, and what will leave you the happiest in a few months. Talking to him will only suck you back into the sitaution and most likley intensify your feelings. Also, you don't really want to get back together with a guy like that. He obviously has very little to no respect for you.. and he may have even been using you for physical contact if he went and did that stuff immedietly. You deserve so much better then that. We all do.

So, I would say to keep your distance for now or until you can honestly .. talk to him without any resentment or hurt feelings.. or romantic attatchments. If you try to work on relationships with your friends or other guys it may help as well. That way you will at least have something to distract you and people to be around when you are feeling low.

I wish you the best of luck and I'm sorry this horrible thing happened to you. All I have to wonder after being on this forum for as long as I have is why it seems to happen so often?

Take care,

SuzyQ

Hi,

I think he just got busted trying to start playing games, and I just had that weird feeling...

Please give me some real advice withous sugar coating,

I don't know what to do next....

 

thanks.

Johy

you wanted no sugar, I'll oblige ...

You're right, you caught him trying to start playing games ... if he cared AT ALL for you, he won't be messing around so soon after a break up, he's no good ... you did the right thing telling him not to contact you, be strong and don't let him jerk you around ... if he calls, make him sweat big time, answer like every 5th call, and keep the calls SUPER short ... you don't deserve games, no one does ... you may still like him, but obviously his feelings have drifted ... he took you for granted ... I know exactly how this feels, so you're not alone ... I personally wouldn't give him the time of day ...

l8r

Thanks guys and girls, I have been reading thru some stories, and I believe that time can only make things better, as much as this hurts, I need to move on...I just wish I can press the Fast Forward button in my life! (lol)..

That would be great, if there was a magical remote control that could fast forward us through all the pain. But then again, many times, this pain is what defines and molds us into stronger independent individuals.

I know you are hurting, as would many, but you have to look on the bright side of this. You are seeing his true colors, and as many have probably said, actions speak louder then words.

My ex, spoke all too nicely about us, our realtionship and me. Telling me she loves me, she misses me, cant be without me, but her actions didnt measure up to this. She was still seeing someone else, doing things that hurt our love, so in turn, her actions didnt measure up.

You are right, the only thing that truly heals is time. It will be a tough road ahead. My advice would be for you to try and move on from this, and most importantly be aware of his games. You may fall back into a rut, and the cycle may continue( meaning you two may attempt to reconcile), but remember why you guys broke up. You sound like a sweet girl, one day a guy will appreciate you and your love. Trust me, there are men out there , and your soulmate is waiting. There are plenty of guys on this board who would treat you like a princess, so just imagine how many there are in the world.

Heal yourself, and read and truly attempt to absorb the experiences on this website.

I wanted to add one more thing. Right after my breakup, my ex was with someone else. I was destroyed, as were you. In fact, your hurt must have been that more difficult that mine, considering you saw him with another. My realationship was long distance, so I had the luxury of never seeing her with the other person.God, I remember that day, it was the single most painful day I have experienced. I feel for you.

So that I understand you right...umm... You broke up with him or at least you left the man you shared a life with for 2 years? You moved out? You got yourself an apartment? You initiated No Contact Right? He tried to call you and you ignored him am I right? You refused to pick up the phone? You were playing a game....he tried to get a hold of you. He tried to commnicate. He wanted to speak to you and maybe resolve things since you mentioned that he called several times. You did not want to work things our apparently.

What?, did you expect him to wallow in misery like some looser and come crawling back to you? Did you expect to teach him a lesson? Did you think he would sit at home alone and cry like a little baby becasue his love of his life walked out on him? Did you expect him to just rot in the fridge like some leftover pizza until you decided to maybe go back for some leftovers when all other options were exhausted? Did you expect him to blame himself and keep calling you while you slowly started going out or kept ignoring him more until you slowly got over him? Where did you expect this to go?..you not initiating contact. DId you think that maybe after a while you could decide to grant him an opportunity to beg you to return?

I don't think so.

He probably got really hurt, his ego got ruined, he felt betrayed by the woman he loved for 2 years, he finally got pissed, and decided to do something about it. You moved out. You left him. You showed him by refusing to talk that you didn't care about him any longer and that you didn't want anything to do with him anymore for whatever reason. What do you expect? All these people here are trying to be all supportive and understanding and say that he is such an evil man. That is all crap. I don't think so. If you have been with a man for 2 years you don't just move out and initiate NC and expect nothing to happen as a consequence of your actions. To a guy thats like saying "Truck you, I'm done with you."

I think he did the right thing. I would have done the same if my girlfriend just packed up and moved her butt out of my house and refused to talk to me. (I've had some experience with this type of situation)

Don't even for a moment think that what you chose to do, did not hurt him. Don't even for a moment try to displace blame onto him. It takes 2 to Tango. Most pople on here don't have a clue about how it feels to have someone you love just walk out and move out and not contact you. Its the ultimate insult. It is not he who threw away your love and who forgot you so quckly, it is you who chose to throw it all away by your actions.

You probably thought you were in control and you had him in the palm of your hand, and now you got a rude awakening. Your ego got kicked and you got to feel the short end of the stick. If you moved out and got your own place you didn't love him anymore. Its just that now your ego got a little hurt becasue there is another woman in your bed. I don't see you saying how madly in love you are? or how sorry you are for what you did to him...am I right? I don't see you feeling guilty for leaving him. I don't see you being concerned about how he took your departure...you are not the victim here, at least based on what you have said so far.

Since you didn't want any sugar coating, I'm just letting you know that you got what you deserved.

No matter what the circumstances or your excuses are, the simple truth is that there was a moment in time when you had the opportunity to communicate and resolve things and you refused. He tried to call you. Maybe he wanted to tell you that he loved you and missed you. But you were playing games. No matter what the excuse the fact remains that by moving out you showed your man that you were done. He apparently figured it out quick. You did not resolve the adversities in your relationship properly, and you stupidly believed that you were "oh so special, that he could not be without you" You were wrong. Last weekend you got your reality check. Now you get to pay the price and learn the hardway that actions have consequences, and that you should never assume you are irreplacable to a point where you feel you can manipulate events.

But alas girls never figure this one out. They always put the guy under the microscope and always judge whether he meets their expectations and if he stumbles and falls the girl instead of putting in effort will always make some bs excuse and leave, she is history looking for a better guy with a better whatever. She will tell herself "We didn't get along there was something worng with him!" or "I don't think I could be happy with him" or "I was so frustrated I couldn't handle it any more". The grass always looks so much greener over the other side doesn't it?...at least until you realize that the skirt next door can please him just as well as you could have, and that "there" isn't any better then "here". That and when you figure out that he has moved on and that he started to live again it makes you wonder why. Girls always wrongly assume that the guy they leave will be a looser for the rest of his life, and he will be lonely forever and he will just wallow in his own self pity. They want this to come true, they want to believe that their ex partner will always fail, because it justifies their leaving and they can say to themselves "I was right to leave him, he was a total looser". But 99.9% of the time thats not how it turns out. The guy bounces back real quick and the girl might just learn that maybe she wasn't as special as she thought she was. THe best way to accomplish this is to get together with another girl. Even if it takes him a long time to bounce back and start to have a new life, he eventually does and becomes much more then he was and his ex ever imagined he could be. Usually aroud that time she wakes up and realizes she really did love him and wants him back but its too late becasue he is already happy with a new younger and better version of his last girl.

Relationships are cyclical, like business cycles...there are ups and downs....there are times that test the very bonds of what you have built. You said you had your ups and your downs too...some good times and some bad times. Those times are hard and require patience and support, not judgment or apathy or additional stress. You should have known this... You know what a relationship is about? Its about teamwork, and effort on behallf of both parties, where if one person sees the other person fall behind they pick them back up so they can get back into the race. They do not stand around and just watch things deteriorate further. They don't stand by and watch their partner stumble and fall. If they truly care they take action. They never give up on them, because they believe in them even when the other person stops believeing in themselves. That is what a realationship is about. 2 people putting in effort for one another to better and bring out the best in each another. If you truly believed that he tried to control his temper why did you leave? If you really felt loved why did you leave? You won't replace it easily....Apparently he was putting in effort and trying to meet your expecations....if you thought you had "deep love" why did you leave? Why did you give up? Was it easier to leave then to work at it?

Relationships are about acceptance. I heard a saying once that said "I liked my wife for her perfections but I loved her for all her imperfections."

I am not saying that you didn't do anything...I don't know..you didn't say much about that...but....How much effort did you really put in to make him into a better man? How hard did you really work with him? How much did you accept him, and how much of yourself and the things you have built, and your time did you risk for a better future? Or did you just put him down because he didn't measure up to your expectations, nagged about his faults, and expected him to change because you said something or hinted from time to time? What is his side of the story? What did he argue about? What faults did you have that he put up with for 2 years without complaining? Also how did he treat you overall? You said that the last few months anything triggered an argument or his explosiveness. What do you mean by anything? Did you trigger them? What or who was the catalyst? What was your contribution to this equation?

To that guy..in his mind... you probably used him. I am sure it took you a while to distance yourself enough from him to move out. During that time you treated him less and less like a lover and an equal and more like someone you didn't want or care about. Your actions probably did most of the talking. That I am sure in turn made things worse, and if he was dealing with any sort of problems I am sure he was getting ticked. He started to react because in the back of his mind he knew something was wrong but he could not put a finger on it. Guys aren't good with figuring out such things. But he probably knew that something was going on and he felt the pressure you were putting on him. You needed justification to leave, you needed an excuse or several to reduce any guilt you might have had over what you were about to do. If there weren't any excuses or reasons good enought to leave you needed to create them. Arguing and nagging are the best ways to create justtification. You fueled each other, and accelerated whatever was going on. Fights started. Eventually as things tumbled it gave you more reason, more ammunition to leave and made your case stronger....until finally you left. But that probably crushed him...and now he is trying to deal with the pain the only way he knows how.

In your story you downplay your part in this event. You say little about what you faield to do, and you say little about how he treated you overall for the last 2 years. What would he say in his defense if he was on here?

And if there really was a real, unfixable problem and you left because you knew it wasn't the right thing then why are you upset now? Why are you seeking advice? You got what you wanted right? You mved out. Now you got no more arguments, and you got supportive friends, a nice job and a nice apartment. Whats the problem? If you didn't catch him with another woman and he was still a crying begging baby of a man still trying to call you all the time, you would still feel on top of the world and you would never post here. You would still be ignoring him. You would be looking for the next best thing in your life. things didn't turn out quite like you planned did they? But like that saying goes, "be careful what you wish for, you might just get it and then some"

A guy devoted 2 years to a girl and she just moved out of his house and left him. Any guy who has even an ounce of manhood in him won't stand for that crap. He will quickly make her realize the error of her ways, and make her realize how permanent her decision really was, because up to that point she thought that she had the luxury of time to play her game. He will take away the only real power she has, which is sex. After all the best way to forget a woman is with another woman.

And you are right. He might never return to you now. Wounds resulting from such an experience go ever deep, and most guys can't lock up their pride long enough to admit wrongdowing or forgive the person who hurt them. They usually just become angry, bitter and later move on. There is pleanty of tail out there that will treat him better then you. You probably don't deserve him. It would take an act of god for you to win his respect or give you another chance.

You said.."It's only been one week since we were last together, how can someone else be in my bed, and in the house that I gave so much love to make my home??... "

how come you don't say anything about loving him? or giving love to him....why are you talking about the house that you gave so much love to? What about the man? The fine print says it all....I get the impression that love is no longer there for you. You don't care about him at all...You're only thinking of yourself now. He's not playing games. Its not your bed anymore. You moved out. That was your choice. No one held a gun to your head. If you feel like a fool its only because he got the upper hand, instead of you. You probably assumed you would go to his house and see him all miserable, and lonely. That didn't happen. An option you thought you had just got closed off.

The only advice I can give you is that you can either:

#1. Move on, foever leave him behind, and learn from your experience, so that next time you live with a guy things might play out a little differently. (and I am sure this will be tough). Move on and start dating again and look for another prince. Keep yourself busy and pamper yourself so you dont't feel hurt.

#2. Try to contact him, and try to work something out and forgive him for sleeping with another girl and realize that he was hurt by you leaving. Realize that you both messed up. Realize that you can both work things out. If he dosen't want to have anything to do with you then just take a month apart and try again. Wait a while, see what happens and try again. Distance and time make the heart grow fonder. He will not forget you after 2 years. A guy soon realizes that its hard to replace those little things he was comfortable with no matter how much skirt he gets. Start again if you can. Start a fresh relationship on a new foundation. Learn form this. Grow as people. The time apart and the thing that happened on both your ends might just bring you 2 closer together and teach both of you about acceptance and working things out more instead of reacting emotionally.

#3 Move on for now and see what happens. Maybe after a few months or years the 2 of you will meet up again and set off some sparks, and then become one of those couples who stay forever together. Who knows.

Its never too late to try again....that is as long as you still care. If you don't then see #1.

P.S.

He did what he did because he probably assumed you left him because of another guy...

that is so harsh even I would not know how to respond to that.

The truth is always a little hard to swallow. (she did say don't sugar coat it so I didn't).

I was under the impression she dumped him.

WOW!!!

SOMEONE LEFT YOU HUH!!!!

You just opened a can of worms my man!!!

Well obviously if I had to sit here and write my whole relationship down, it would be longer than your e-mail....

First things first,

I didn't walk away from the relationship, that is the last thing I wanted to do, I love that guy with all my life, I gave him everything you can imagine, I did the impossible to keep the relatioship going, I was always the voice of reasoning when his explosive ways would make anyone run...I was in a verbally abusive relationship. Tne screams and the yells, the cursing, it got bad at times...Then I would come back and try to make it all better.

I was there helping him built his house when all his friends were too busy to help him paint, or cut, etc..I was there, because I loved him.

he would come home and dinner was ready, breakfast every single morning, and lunch for work everyday, I loved doing all these things for him, it made me happy.

I was so involved in him, that I slowly lost contact of friends, and even family, it was always his family time, and never any time for mine, after a while...I'm sorry it's just not right.

Millions of times i put my ego down because I loved him, and it didn't matter because I really cared.

I lost a baby with him, it was the most horrible experience...but

we got thru it...... and it made our relatioship stronger for a while,

Then his explosive behavior was the reason for our arguments, not because we couln't work things out, because in the end we always did, but all those hurtfull moments, they just didn't go away.

Emotionally, I tried to see the good in all his wrong, I was not perfect either but I can say sorry when I needed, he said it maybe once, maybe twice...but that's it.

I left because we sat down one day and he said that he wasn't happy anymore, we had been fighting too often and why waste our time?

I had left that weekend before to a family wedding which he didn't want to go to, (but he did party his a** off here in Miami) and when I came back that is what he had to say, and so the first thing I asked is if had met someone that weekend, and he said NO...

I was always there to work things out, even till the end, even when I moved out, I wanted to maybe try it again, because i believe that moving in together was too fast, specially when we were already having some problems.

He knew how I felt, the night before that horrible day, we had planned to see each other, we had spoken on the phone and set a time, he knew all along I did want to see him, so what happened to him??? was it the other girl that messed his schedule? because like you say it takes two to tango right? someone looked for him and he looked for her?

He just GOT BUSTED trying to play games,, I KNOW HE WOULD HAVE TRIED TO PLAY COOL and called me the next day...or next week...what ever the point is that we were not over and he knew it... until now.

He knew I didn't want o let go, he knew how much it hurt...he saw me cry, maybe too much.

When I met him he had a 4 yr realtionship and so i let him go, we saw each other two years later and now he had 6yrs with her, and he left her.

His father left his mom for a "youger and newer version" like you say of his mom, he did it a couple of times actually, and now his son turned out just like his father.

You can't make people change unless they really feel in their hearts to change. No I didn't dump him,

and Digly D what you wrote is not the truth, so I didn't swallow...

But i like your honesty, you are a straight guy!

My original story can be twisted anyway you want, after all averyone is different right?

All i know is that he still has no right to do what he did, and YES, thank God that I have a good job and supportive friends, it all makes this situation better,

Thank God that i was there that morning, because it just gives me more strenght to love myself a little better, rather than love someone who is already loving someone else.

I came accross this website just like you, wanting to know if I was alone, and then you wrote back because you've been there right?

The only thing that I can agree with is that yes some of it can be my faults because I should have know better.....

I'm tired of arguing, I'm here to try to become a better me...

and because I like to know what I'm not alone.

hope you get this message everyone!!!

I'm still looking for the right desicion,

ALL opinions are stll welcome!!!!

see ya!

JOHY

Hey Johy,

I'm sorry you are going through this. A verbally abusive man is not someone you should stay with. Sometimes that can cause more scars than a belt. You did the right thing by leaving. Hell, it sounds like you should have left a long time ago. But you did what alot of us women do, you stick around. You put up with the abuse, the fights, the coldness, the distance. Why? Because you love him. He wasn't like that in the beginning and you keep thinking that it's just a bad spot, he's going through a tough time, that the man I fell in love with will be back and things will be like they were before. But it doesn't work that way, does it? The fights keep getting harsher, the good times are fewer and farther between. Until it reaches a head. Many of us would still take our exes back if they asked even if in our hearts we knew it wouldn't work.

My ex cheated, I never saw him with her and I think that would have killed me. So Johy, you're already going to be stronger than I am. I could never have handled that. You will get through this and be a better person for it. You will. It may not seem like it now, but it will get better.

You have to concentrate on YOU now. Nobody but YOU. It's going to be hard, very hard some days. But you keep going. I'm glad you have a good network of friends to call, you will need them. I'm sorry you suffered a miscarriage and all the other. That can be devestating.

I hope you will know that we will be here for you. Sometimes people can be a little harsh, but alot of us are going through the same thing you're going through and we get up here to give each other support, not tear them down. I wish you all the best and if you ever want to rant and rave, we will listen. Good luck!

lisaria

He probably got really hurt, his ego got ruined, he felt betrayed by the woman he loved for 2 years, he finally got pissed, and decided to do something about it. You moved out. You left him. You showed him by refusing to talk that you didn't care about him any longer and that you didn't want anything to do with him anymore for whatever reason. What do you expect? All these people here are trying to be all supportive and understanding and say that he is such an evil man. That is all crap. I don't think so. If you have been with a man for 2 years you don't just move out and initiate NC and expect nothing to happen as a consequence of your actions. To a guy thats like saying "Truck you, I'm done with you."

Wow, diglyD she did ask for honesty, and you gave her the 'but-naked' 'unadulterated truth' of how a man see's things at the time of a break-up through his kalidascope. Now I can't say too much specifally about the situation of JohY, because she did say somethings about abuse, that are indeed critical, but as a man, I can tell you first hand that alot of your words in the last paragraph are an accurate depiction of what men feel about women when women ditch them. SO WOMEN, I KNOW YOU MAY NOT WANT TO HEAR WHAT HE SAID, BUT IF NOTHING ELSE JUST LOOK AT WHAT HE SAID AND IT MAY SAVE YOU FROM MAKING A MISTAKE IN THE FUTURE OF LEAVING SOMEONE TO PREMATURELY THINKING THAT A PRINCE IS ON THE HORIZON....(And JohY I"m not saying your guy was a prince, he clearly had faults, but I'm speaking more generally to try to put things into perspective for women who believe that there's ALWAYS SOMETHING BETTER OUT THERE. Perhaps there is, BUT THAT'S A CHANCE YOU TAKE AND YOU MAY NOT WIN AT THAT GAME). I always say, "Why give up the known for the unknown? If the known is working or can be salvaged?" Of course that doesn't include bouts of abuse, but in general people have this belief that the grass is greener, when many times it may not be.

But this paragraph Below, should be bookmarked for women to really understand how a man feels when a woman leaves him, and he believes he has done nothing wrong (again johY I'm not meaning specific to your situation, but speaking more generally). TRUST ME LADIES, ALOT OF MEN THINK THIS WAY, AND IT BREAKS OUR HEARTS WHEN YOU DO THIS TO AN OTHERWISE GOOD GUY, THAT MAYBE ISN'T THE PROTOTYPE MAN, BUT IS A 'GOOD MAN' NONE THE LESS"

But alas girls never figure this one out. They always put the guy under the microscope and always judge whether he meets their expectations and if he stumbles and falls the girl instead of putting in effort will always make some bs excuse and leave, she is history looking for a better guy with a better whatever. She will tell herself "We didn't get along there was something worng with him!" or "I don't think I could be happy with him" or "I was so frustrated I couldn't handle it any more". The grass always looks so much greener over the other side doesn't it?...at least until you realize that the skirt next door can please him just as well as you could have, and that "there" isn't any better then "here". That and when you figure out that he has moved on and that he started to live again it makes you wonder why. Girls always wrongly assume that the guy they leave will be a looser for the rest of his life, and he will be lonely forever and he will just wallow in his own self pity. They want this to come true, they want to believe that their ex partner will always fail, because it justifies their leaving and they can say to themselves "I was right to leave him, he was a total looser". But 99.9% of the time thats not how it turns out. The guy bounces back real quick and the girl might just learn that maybe she wasn't as special as she thought she was. THe best way to accomplish this is to get together with another girl. Even if it takes him a long time to bounce back and start to have a new life, he eventually does and becomes much more then he was and his ex ever imagined he could be. Usually aroud that time she wakes up and realizes she really did love him and wants him back but its too late becasue he is already happy with a new younger and better version of his last girl.

I MEAN DO YOU HEAR THIS? Please, if you're a woman that's about to throw a potential good man away in the next day or months and your on the fence and you think he can NEVER LIVE WITHOUT YOU AND THAT YOUR HIS GIFT TO THE WORLD AND HE'LL BE NOTHING WITHOUT YOU...Give this a re-read. We are all replaceable, both men and women. But often times if we just put in the work (and yes a relationship is work, its not easy) whether it be via counseling or whatever, we can get through the tough times so you don't have to finally realize you had a good thing when the next woman now has your prize. Don't let this happen to you...When you have a good guy, don't give up on him....Hang in there...try a different approach...work with him...support him through the tough times and you'll be amazed at how he supports you when your road gets tough. But this is also so true:

Relationships are cyclical, like business cycles...there are ups and downs....there are times that test the very bonds of what you have built. You said you had your ups and your downs too...some good times and some bad times. Those times are hard and require patience and support, not judgment or apathy or additional stress. You should have known this... You know what a relationship is about? Its about teamwork, and effort on behallf of both parties, where if one person sees the other person fall behind they pick them back up so they can get back into the race. They do not stand around and just watch things deteriorate further. They don't stand by and watch their partner stumble and fall. If they truly care they take action. They never give up on them, because they believe in them even when the other person stops believeing in themselves. That is what a realationship is about...

I don't want to start a war of the sexes, but this is like the relationship hemmingway above and oooohhhh so true....I use the analogy of a relationship to a lawn (just a brief anecdote/metaphor a friend told me that has been extremely helpful). In the beginning its easy to maintain your lawn (i.e., relationship)...You mow it (i.e., go out together; spend quality time togehter, etc.), plant flowers (i.e., perhaps have children), etc...However, overtime that lawn can become unsightly rather quickly from outside forces like bad weather (i.e., other women/men trying to induce infidelity), rain and thunder (arguments), lightning (fights, but hopefully it never get to this point), winds (i.e., loss of quality time due to work or other activities), etc...Then at that point, even though beneath all this weathering you still have the potential for a fruitful lawn, it becomes very hard to maintain that lawn. At times both parties may just want to say, "screw it...I don't care about the lawn anymore...If it looks/gets more F*CKED UP I could care less". And at that juncture is when many people may simply give up on working on that lawn, despite the potential for growth, but a type of growth that requires alot of effort! However, what they fail to realize is that lawn once cleaned up again, BECOMES EASIER TO MAINTAIN, NOW THAT YOU KNOW WHAT IT TAKES TO KEEP THE LAWN PROPERLY FERTILIZED AND WELL MAINTAINED. So in essense, if your willing to put in work into that lawn, when the going gets rough (which ironically is when the relationships true worth is really assessed), then once you get things back on track it only strengthens the bond and shows how the two of you, collectively, can maintain, and further cultivate a lawn that all on-lookers marvel at. Please, don't give up on your lawn too easily, because there's nothing worse than seeing a new person MAINTAING YOUR LAWN WHEN ALL IT REQUIRED WAS ALITTLE MORE PATIENCE ON YOUR PART....DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU...

too late I think you already started the war.

anyway do you not think that this can work in reverse?

women dealing with men who left them when they did nothing wrong?

too late I think you already started the war.

I didn't mean to start the war, but I believe what he said need to be really assimilated into how women percieve men they break-up with.

anyway do you not think that this can work in reverse?

 

women dealing with men who left them when they did nothing wrong?

Of course it can work in reverse, but I can't speak to how a woman thinks since I'm not a woman. But I can think/speak of how a man perceives things. I'd love to hear some unadulturated, butt-naked, raw views on what ladies think as well. Perhaps you could provide it for us. I'd certainly be interested in reading about it, especially if it spares men from throwing away a good thing if HE'S on the fence. I'd love to hear it....honestly!

For what its worth, I feel the same way as what the kipster highlighted in DiglyD's message.

Fantasia is correct too - I don't doubt alot of women feel the same way as what the kipster had highlighted in DiglyD's message.

But the thing is, my guess is that we all feel this at one point in our lives - and IF YOU LOOK BEYOND THESE FEELINGS of "why couldn't she/he just support me or be there for me when I am down - or when one is not their "normal" self - why can't we just work through it together - again! - I can be better", etc -you'll just see that its probably because the relationship was just not meant to be at that particular time and place (I know this is the hand wavy answer, but I think its the truth).

Let me expand on what I mean on "a relationship is just not meant to be at that time and place". I mean, people have written tons of books on this, posted here many times and there are numerous reasons why some relationships will ultimately fail (unless both work their gluteaus maximus' off to make the relationship work despite its inherent problems which stem from issues in both partners). But what particularly struck me in your case Johy is that I don't think your partner was much of a "family man" - by that I mean, you and your partner were probably brought up in different types of families - he comes from a more broken family (due to a less than stable father), and you probably grew up in a more healthier family. Alot of people don't realize that alot of relationship issues/conflicts/problems stems from ones "family of origin". By this term, I mean what were your parents like, and their grandparents, etc. Most of the traits you are not fond of in your parents (or grandparents) somehow manage to find themselves at your doorstep when that was the last thing you wanted. And I think in your partners case Johy - he is acting just like his dad, i.e., he inherited most of the not so nice traits his father had (probably including his tempermant). And for you Johy, you probably (please correct me if I'm wrong) were raised in a family that didn't "promote" healthy ways of dealing with anger, e.g., maybe your parents fought alot in front of you, and you just felt really uncomfortable with that, so you always tru to avoid being anger in yourself and your relationships.

Sorry, this got a bit long - and I'm straying - but, what I was trying to say in this post to BOTH men and women is that, don't look to reason's of why "he/she didn't go that extra mile when the going get's tough, or when there is alot of "drama" (as some people would like to put it). But instead, when a relationship ends, look to reason's why it could not have worked at that particular time, e.g., one has not completely healed from their "family of origin" issues, and hence just carry this baggage into their love relationships.

My apologies for the length of this response, and if I have in anyways offended anyone.

Kung fu

Girl it is a big mistake to center your life around a man. You said you cooked for him and cleaned and did everything he liked, helped him build his house, etc. Who did things for you that you liked? Once you stop having your own interests and friends you stop having a life and once you do that you want more of his time to make up for what you are missing. That just becomes a burden to the other person.

It's surprising how fast a man can have a new person in his bed after a break up, and surprising how some women will sleep with a man they have no commitment to but that's another topic.

The best thing you did was to establish NC. Once you break up you have to go through a healing process. This is not playing games this is a time for you to focus on yourself and evaluate the relationship. There were two people involved here and two people to blame for the mistakes. You have to look at it from the outside and see what works for you and what doesn't. He may not be a bad person but he might not the the right one for you. NC is about you focusing on yourself and allowing time to pass ( which is good for both of you) and see if things can be fixed in the future. It's not a game.

Love

Hey people,

Fantasia, you are so right. Men do it just as much if not more than women. Yeah, some of us are not very loving or loyal or caring. But so are men. And guess what...some of us ARE loving and loyal and kind and would and did everything we could for some lying, cheating d^ckh*ad who suddenly decides that it just wasn't good enough and then they go and cheat. The grass is so much greener, isn't it people? It happens to everybody. Not just men. Not just women. EVERYBODY. How many of us have been dumped only to see the sh$@ out the next night with someone new? Men and Women. You can't say it's women who are worse or men who are worse because people are people and there is always someone willing to hurt someone else for their own fking selfish reasons.

If you're honest throughout the relationship and communicate then you know where you stand. But most people won't say what they feel or think because they don't want to hurt the other's feelings. NO, they'd rather decide they are too gd unhappy with the gf/bf and they leave. Too much effort to try and fix things and to be truthful and TELL the other what is bothering them. The one left picking themselves up off the floor knew something was wrong. They tried to do what they thought was loving and what they thought the other wanted and instead they end up clinging and feeling so very needy that it just turns the other off completely. The one leaving doesn't bother putting the energy into this relationship. They just know there is someone better out there. If the one left behind asks what is wrong they just say "Nothing". Or they're "just not feeling well" that day and my favorite "It's not you"-- the one they say if you're lucky enough to get a reason when they walk out the door. You are damned right it's not YOU it's them for not being honest and not trying to COMMUNICATE what they feel.

It does take two for a relationship to work and we get bored and in a rut and there's no excitement anymore. A routine that wasn't there in the beginning. Instead of trying to spice things up with the one who loves you you look for that excitement elsewhere. Maybe it starts out harmless, but there is someone else in the picture that the dumper seems to forget about. Someone that will get hurt. Someone that DOES get hurt.

If you're doing something with someone else of the opposite sex that you can't tell your bf/gf then it's a form of cheating. Because if you have to hide it, then there is something wrong and you know it.

For God's sake, if you care about this person and there is a chance in hell of it being love then work on it. Don't hurt someone else for your own selfish pleasure. Because the grass is not greener and your problems are still with you. Sure the face on the pillow is different and the excitement is there at least for a little while, but it will end up the very same way since YOU are still the same inside. And like I've said before, the one that is left is the one who is growing. They learn a lesson that makes them stronger and wiser. The one who left is still in the same rut. They still have the same problems, the same way of looking at things. Why change if it's worked in the past? And it did work...with the one you just dumped and with the new person. But unfortunately you're still you and nothing will change until you've been hurt somehow. Until you've learned the lesson that all of the exes have learned. Some people go a lifetime without ever growing and learning and they don't mind hurting someone who loves them. But we do. And we are better than that.

lisaria

you know what's messed up?

I just started this new job about 5 months ago, and my partner in the group just declared his love to me, well it was more like, "I'm growing these feelings for you and I can't help it", he has been there thru all my turmoil with my ex, and he has been very supportive... you know what's even more messed up? he's a great person, good looking, smart, successfull, educated, and thought of very highly at work and with friends....I know what you guys might be thinking...and NO i don't like him, I appreciate his frienship and I don;t want that to ruin my career, this job is the opportunity of a life time!!! and last night he declared his feelings towards me, and I told him I liked him a s a great friend, and he understand, I mean, I'm in love with another man, and my job was my gattaway place, now, things might not be the same, i don't know...

so what are you going to do? Johy

Well, he called me and apologized about telling me this, and I reassured him not to apologize because he is just expressing his feelings, and I made it sound like this wont change anything at work....but i think that it might.....and I feel bad that he had to listen how much i'm in love with someone else.....

I have still nc with Brandon, and everyday i wonder more what i could have done better, and why, how,and it frustrates me to sit in this apartment wondering...I want to get out of this stage you know?

what can you do to shut this switch off,

I went out last night, and the night before, and the night before, I meet new people everynight, but I can't seem to fufill this hole, I know not even the nicest guy can help me feel better, and I keep missing the BAD GUY

HOW ANNOYING IS THAT!!!!!

IT'S MEMORIAL WEEKEND HERE IN MIAMI BEACH and I cannot make myself get out of my bed, where i seem to get more addicted to this wesite.

how long did you end your relationship with your ex

It's been 3 weeks since I moved out, and two weeks since we were together...i'm the girl that opened this subject of what to do next, NO SUGAR COATING!!!!

you know that DIGLY D that guy that wrote all those missjudments send me a PM apologizin for all those ugly things he said, I wonder why he didn't post his apology out here,.....FIGURES MEN!!!!!!.......

so yes, its pretty recent, and I don't feel like calling, I feel like seeing him in the scene, like I wrote to you as a PM, looking more beautiful that ever....

I don't think we will get back together, that is the truth, and it hurts...

Well right now if you can stand it and in time it should take time to heal as everyone knows NC is the way to go. Let him come to you when he is good and ready.

For my ex and I If I had done things differently maybe we would not be so bitter and skeptical of each other.

With digly, I thought it was funny but brutal. But of course I am not laughing at you. I am looking at how he worded it. it was awful. I guess he felt guilty.

Don't feel bad he may or may not use those tools that you gave me to help me and others get through this.

Best revenge is beauty.

Right now he is hurting give it time to heal also.

I didn't post misjudgments, I posted the "no sugar coating" response based on what you intially wrote. Don't be upset, or blame me for being "direct" and "honest". You are the one who did not provide enough information to initially support yourself or your case. Even with your additional information I still didn't hear you say anything about "loving him and missing him dearly after you left" and anything supporting his defense or his side of the story. When a girl talks about being unhappy or leaving her man, she always talks about what she did and never even once mentiones what the guy did for her unless its bad. She only says bad things about him, and people in response tell her she is right. It feeds her brain, and creates further reasurance that she is in a bad position. A girl never seems to remember his love just his faults when its time for her to justify her dumping him. I am sure if I asked your rman, he would give me a whole list of things he did for you that made you stay with him for 2 years or however long it was. But of course you don't remember any of that when you make your posts or feel the need to list examples of his goodness, do you? How convinient.

As to the reason why I sent you a PM and apologized...its not becasue I felt guilty or that I care. I don't!. I did what I had to do. I have been warned an the past by the administrators of this site that sometimes my posts are a little too direct, and that some people here have very fragile egos and cannot handle honesty or a direct approach. They prefer sugar coating. I just sent you a PM because I have no idea what emotional state you are in and I didin't want you to go nutso and like start cutting yourself or something like some people on here just becasue of what I wrote. Plus I have no desire to get banned or restricted in my posting. I like this place. ..and as to why I didn't post it on the forum? Well why should I? (see below). Plus I was running off to school as I mentioned in my PM and didn't have time.

...and what is that "Figures Men!!!!" remark? If this is how you stereotype men then no wonder your relationship fell apart. Sometimes there are other reasons behind the obvious of why things happen the way they happen. What? you think I didn't have the guts to post on here? Or I'm the typical guy? Please grow up. I just forgot...plain and simple. I would reccomend that you learn how to look beyond the obvious and don't assume things instantly in order to satisfy your ego. Same goes for your past and future relationships.

I have no problem with saying "sorry". Hey I know that this is a "family" forum and I should be more "nice". For that I apologize here in public. I got no problem admitting that I was a little too brutal and that I might have taken my emotions out on you. But don't for a second assume that you were 100% right and justified in your leaving your boyfriend or correct in your thinking becasue I happened to say "I'm sorry"..and I don't feel that a "sorry" was even justified...after all you did say "don't sugar coat it". This is the problem with women...they ask for something and then get all upset when they get their answer and they find out they can't handle it...just like you can't handle my honest rseponse which was correct based on your first post, and you can't handle the fact that your man jumped into bed with somoene else after you left him.

I still think I wrote what had to be said regardless. You just have a hard time swallowing it even now. I am sure in part I am corrrect. No matter what you think or how bad you think your man was, I am sure you were no angel either. There were times when you were the witch and drove him nuts.

Isn't if funny how you failed to mention that you PMed me your subsequent post on the forum in the first place, and that you never even bothered to reply to my PM. I openned my mailbox and get this huge post from you. I didn't sent you an apology, you emailed me first. That was your choice. What am I supposed to do? I figured you sent me an email since you titled it "hey cali boi". So I replied, and given your additional info said that I made assumptions based on what you wrote and said I was sorry for being nedlessly brutal. I said that I knid of took it out on you and that it was unnecessary and uncalled for. I also thanked you for writing more info and said that it clarifed some unanswared questions and put a different spin on things. I also offered you my help and advice if you needed it. I was just trying to be helpful and in compliance with the forum rules. Thats it.

In addition as mentioned above it was in my best interest to do so, so that I don't get any warnings about my posts form the moderators. You never even bothered to reply to me so why the hell should I make a public apology if you are so rude? Why should I make a public apology when all I ever heard was your side of the story? If your man posted on here and said "I am a good for nothing looser and she is right" I would be the first in line to apologize. But I didn't see him posting and I didn't see you posting anything in his defense. Don't use my absense on the forum as an excuse or some justrification.

I am sure you just "happened to forget to post" key and critical details about your man and your past relationship also just like you forgot to mention that you PMed me first and you never even answered what I wrote. I didn't just apologize to you out of guilt and out of the blue. If you didn't PM me or I didn't get warned about my "honesty" in the past I would have never worte anything to you.

There are things regarding your past relationship that you probably should have posted in "his" defense, but you didn't because in your mind you are "a princess who did nothing wrong except be the best she could be, pure and innocent as freshly fallen snow". You are 100% innocent right? A woman always thinks she did the right thing and is the princess because she convinces herself that this is the truth. She creates excuses so that she can justify to herself that she was in fact corect. Many women have this delusion. Its so much easier to just blame it all on the guy, and his good for nothing friends. Its easier to just think of yourself as an "angel" right? of course...you want everyone to think that you are one too. You're the victimn here right? you're innocent? He was just someone who did not appreciate you right? He just used you right? Then why did you stay with him? Why did he say that he felt it wasn't going anywhere? What did he want that you were not providing? What "right" things did he do for you?....what kept him there for 2 years? why don't you list all the things he did to make you happy, all the times you laughed or felt taken care off just like you listed all the things he did wrong. Why don't you post the work he put into you? Why don't you post what he asked of you and you didn't deliver? The pendelum swings both ways. Where did you fall?, princess.

Your baggage is just as full as his is. Take responsibility for your actions (you choosing to leave your man) and don't look for reasons to support your viewpoint or for blame or to enotalone to displace your feelings for you. No matter what people post here, none of them are corect. Its all different and skewd viewpoints. Many people on here are hurting badly, and their responses relfect how they feel. They are not unbiased. You should not take them to heart, but with a grain of salt so that you can later sit down and reflect on your life and past yourself. That is the only thing that will give you the correct answer. You guys were both wrong and made many mistakes..you both messed up in your relationship.....Yes he was bad...but you too have baggage. This is why girls go to extreme lengths to hide their past from any new guy they come accross. If any guy really knew what you did in the past, and how cruel and cold you can be as a woman (especially once you disassociate yourself from the man you once loved), he wouldn's just walk away he would run and cry for help and warn everyone he could to stay away from you. Its not just you, but any woman in general. Don't get offended by what I wrote or call it a "misjudgment". It was 100% truthful and the no sugar coated special of the day based on what you posted initially. Its just another viewpoint that you might not want to hear. I just spelled that out for you.

Like I told you in my PM if you wrote more information to begin with my reply most likely would have been different.

Digly D

Look guy, I know you are probably still hurting from the last girl that dumped you but you need to let go...soon....it's really running your life and the way you think OK??

Yes I was questioning on why you didn't post your "I'M SORRY" message in the Forum because that first response was absurd, and yes MISJUDGED!

like I said before, If I had to post my whole relatioship in this site it would take years OK? I mean be a little more realistic about your assumptions, all you ever did was assume what happened in my first forum, and you responded the same way...

I guess that's the reason why you have not found anyone...you are a nut case, stop trying to judge me, you don't know me, and I don't know you so let's just leave like that OK?

Now for your info....my ex already is desperate to get back with me, because he knows what he did was wrong, and you know what?? I'm not EVER gonna take him back!!!!!!!!!!

So that should get you more worked up.....

I know who I'm and all I did for that guy, so I leave this story with a clean conscience....

You do need to get a better life, you probably have a nice boring one, when you write such long opinions about other people's lifes.

Anyway, I'M SORRY if I have offended anyone reading this...this guy just has such a low life....

I feel better that ever and I wish everyone good luck in all this love stuff...

see you on my next post!!