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Thread: What to do next....please no sugar coating on this one.....

  1. #1
    Johy
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    What to do next....please no sugar coating on this one.....

    Hi,
    I'm 25 yrs old, this last weekend the most dissappointing moment of my life happened. I really need some guidance and advice on where to go.
    I gave two years to this man who, we shared a house together.
    before us, he had a 6yr relationship, and w/o wasting time we were involved.
    We had real good times, we had real bad times, but we had deep loving, I really felt loved, and I really believed this was it for me. We had all those good talks about future, kids, marriage, and life.
    We argued plenty but always believed we could work thing out.
    I'm more passive, he is very explosive, never phisically aggressive but his temperament is very short. I truly believe he did try to control his temperament sometimes, but it was difficult for him. i always tried to be understanding....but for the past few months anything would trigger an argument.
    I moved out two weeks ago, and decided to NC, Several times he called I didn't pick up the phone.
    I knew he was already hanging out with his no good friends, doing who knows what, he's a good looking guy, so there is no doubt in my mind of what could happen.
    This weekend I broke the rule and picked up the phone when he called, and we set up a date to meet, "to pick up the mail in his house" so he never c/b that night so I went to sleep.
    The next day I had a funny feeling and decided to pick the mail up myself, I called when I was at the front door, and painfully found out there was another girl in the house.
    This has been the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and I never thougt that it would.
    It's only been one week since we were last together, how can someone else be in my bed, and in the house that I gave so much love to make my home??...
    At that moment I was calm and just spoke softly to him and said to forget that i ever existed in his world and to please neved call or look for me again.
    I left crying....I now feel that this cannot get any worse..but I don't hate him...I know that he will never look for me again.
    I have a great job, live in a nice apt. and have supportive friends, but I still feel alone and very sad, and taken like a fool.
    I know we were not oficially together, but does that give him the right to be with someone when he last called me was still telling me that he missed me and wanted to see me?? I think he just got busted trying to start playing games, and I just had that weird feeling...
    Please give me some real advice withous sugar coating,
    I don't know what to do next....

    thanks.
    Johy

  2. #2
    NightLily
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    gosh..

    In many ways I have been there.. done that. Not the moving in parts and a few other details but the general feeling is very much the same. *sigh*..

    You told him to never see you again. I think most likely you are doing the right thing. He sounds like the kind of guy that will feel no remorse over doing this to you, my ex is as well (how aggrivating!!!!!). So, and I know this is hard, but try to do what is best for you. Try to do what will help you get over him, get out of this emotional turmoil, and what will leave you the happiest in a few months. Talking to him will only suck you back into the sitaution and most likley intensify your feelings. Also, you don't really want to get back together with a guy like that. He obviously has very little to no respect for you.. and he may have even been using you for physical contact if he went and did that stuff immedietly. You deserve so much better then that. We all do.

    So, I would say to keep your distance for now or until you can honestly .. talk to him without any resentment or hurt feelings.. or romantic attatchments. If you try to work on relationships with your friends or other guys it may help as well. That way you will at least have something to distract you and people to be around when you are feeling low.

    I wish you the best of luck and I'm sorry this horrible thing happened to you. All I have to wonder after being on this forum for as long as I have is why it seems to happen so often?

    Take care,
    SuzyQ

  3. #3
    goodquestion
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    Re: What to do next....please no sugar coating on this one..

    Quote Originally Posted by Johy
    Hi,
    <snip>
    I think he just got busted trying to start playing games, and I just had that weird feeling...
    Please give me some real advice withous sugar coating,
    I don't know what to do next....

    thanks.
    Johy
    you wanted no sugar, I'll oblige ...

    You're right, you caught him trying to start playing games ... if he cared AT ALL for you, he won't be messing around so soon after a break up, he's no good ... you did the right thing telling him not to contact you, be strong and don't let him jerk you around ... if he calls, make him sweat big time, answer like every 5th call, and keep the calls SUPER short ... you don't deserve games, no one does ... you may still like him, but obviously his feelings have drifted ... he took you for granted ... I know exactly how this feels, so you're not alone ... I personally wouldn't give him the time of day ...

    l8r

  4. #4
    Johy
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    Moving on

    Thanks guys and girls, I have been reading thru some stories, and I believe that time can only make things better, as much as this hurts, I need to move on...I just wish I can press the Fast Forward button in my life! (lol)..

  5. #5
    Michael2
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    That would be great, if there was a magical remote control that could fast forward us through all the pain. But then again, many times, this pain is what defines and molds us into stronger independent individuals.

    I know you are hurting, as would many, but you have to look on the bright side of this. You are seeing his true colors, and as many have probably said, actions speak louder then words.

    My ex, spoke all too nicely about us, our realtionship and me. Telling me she loves me, she misses me, cant be without me, but her actions didnt measure up to this. She was still seeing someone else, doing things that hurt our love, so in turn, her actions didnt measure up.

    You are right, the only thing that truly heals is time. It will be a tough road ahead. My advice would be for you to try and move on from this, and most importantly be aware of his games. You may fall back into a rut, and the cycle may continue( meaning you two may attempt to reconcile), but remember why you guys broke up. You sound like a sweet girl, one day a guy will appreciate you and your love. Trust me, there are men out there , and your soulmate is waiting. There are plenty of guys on this board who would treat you like a princess, so just imagine how many there are in the world.

    Heal yourself, and read and truly attempt to absorb the experiences on this website.

    I wanted to add one more thing. Right after my breakup, my ex was with someone else. I was destroyed, as were you. In fact, your hurt must have been that more difficult that mine, considering you saw him with another. My realationship was long distance, so I had the luxury of never seeing her with the other person.God, I remember that day, it was the single most painful day I have experienced. I feel for you.

  6. #6
    DiglyD
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    ...

    So that I understand you right...umm... You broke up with him or at least you left the man you shared a life with for 2 years? You moved out? You got yourself an apartment? You initiated No Contact Right? He tried to call you and you ignored him am I right? You refused to pick up the phone? You were playing a game....he tried to get a hold of you. He tried to commnicate. He wanted to speak to you and maybe resolve things since you mentioned that he called several times. You did not want to work things our apparently.

    What?, did you expect him to wallow in misery like some looser and come crawling back to you? Did you expect to teach him a lesson? Did you think he would sit at home alone and cry like a little baby becasue his love of his life walked out on him? Did you expect him to just rot in the fridge like some leftover pizza until you decided to maybe go back for some leftovers when all other options were exhausted? Did you expect him to blame himself and keep calling you while you slowly started going out or kept ignoring him more until you slowly got over him? Where did you expect this to go?..you not initiating contact. DId you think that maybe after a while you could decide to grant him an opportunity to beg you to return?

    I don't think so.


    He probably got really hurt, his ego got ruined, he felt betrayed by the woman he loved for 2 years, he finally got pissed, and decided to do something about it. You moved out. You left him. You showed him by refusing to talk that you didn't care about him any longer and that you didn't want anything to do with him anymore for whatever reason. What do you expect? All these people here are trying to be all supportive and understanding and say that he is such an evil man. That is all crap. I don't think so. If you have been with a man for 2 years you don't just move out and initiate NC and expect nothing to happen as a consequence of your actions. To a guy thats like saying "Truck you, I'm done with you."

    I think he did the right thing. I would have done the same if my girlfriend just packed up and moved her butt out of my house and refused to talk to me. (I've had some experience with this type of situation)

    Don't even for a moment think that what you chose to do, did not hurt him. Don't even for a moment try to displace blame onto him. It takes 2 to Tango. Most pople on here don't have a clue about how it feels to have someone you love just walk out and move out and not contact you. Its the ultimate insult. It is not he who threw away your love and who forgot you so quckly, it is you who chose to throw it all away by your actions.

    You probably thought you were in control and you had him in the palm of your hand, and now you got a rude awakening. Your ego got kicked and you got to feel the short end of the stick. If you moved out and got your own place you didn't love him anymore. Its just that now your ego got a little hurt becasue there is another woman in your bed. I don't see you saying how madly in love you are? or how sorry you are for what you did to him...am I right? I don't see you feeling guilty for leaving him. I don't see you being concerned about how he took your departure...you are not the victim here, at least based on what you have said so far.

    Since you didn't want any sugar coating, I'm just letting you know that you got what you deserved.

    No matter what the circumstances or your excuses are, the simple truth is that there was a moment in time when you had the opportunity to communicate and resolve things and you refused. He tried to call you. Maybe he wanted to tell you that he loved you and missed you. But you were playing games. No matter what the excuse the fact remains that by moving out you showed your man that you were done. He apparently figured it out quick. You did not resolve the adversities in your relationship properly, and you stupidly believed that you were "oh so special, that he could not be without you" You were wrong. Last weekend you got your reality check. Now you get to pay the price and learn the hardway that actions have consequences, and that you should never assume you are irreplacable to a point where you feel you can manipulate events.

    But alas girls never figure this one out. They always put the guy under the microscope and always judge whether he meets their expectations and if he stumbles and falls the girl instead of putting in effort will always make some bs excuse and leave, she is history looking for a better guy with a better whatever. She will tell herself "We didn't get along there was something worng with him!" or "I don't think I could be happy with him" or "I was so frustrated I couldn't handle it any more". The grass always looks so much greener over the other side doesn't it?...at least until you realize that the skirt next door can please him just as well as you could have, and that "there" isn't any better then "here". That and when you figure out that he has moved on and that he started to live again it makes you wonder why. Girls always wrongly assume that the guy they leave will be a looser for the rest of his life, and he will be lonely forever and he will just wallow in his own self pity. They want this to come true, they want to believe that their ex partner will always fail, because it justifies their leaving and they can say to themselves "I was right to leave him, he was a total looser". But 99.9% of the time thats not how it turns out. The guy bounces back real quick and the girl might just learn that maybe she wasn't as special as she thought she was. THe best way to accomplish this is to get together with another girl. Even if it takes him a long time to bounce back and start to have a new life, he eventually does and becomes much more then he was and his ex ever imagined he could be. Usually aroud that time she wakes up and realizes she really did love him and wants him back but its too late becasue he is already happy with a new younger and better version of his last girl.

    Relationships are cyclical, like business cycles...there are ups and downs....there are times that test the very bonds of what you have built. You said you had your ups and your downs too...some good times and some bad times. Those times are hard and require patience and support, not judgment or apathy or additional stress. You should have known this... You know what a relationship is about? Its about teamwork, and effort on behallf of both parties, where if one person sees the other person fall behind they pick them back up so they can get back into the race. They do not stand around and just watch things deteriorate further. They don't stand by and watch their partner stumble and fall. If they truly care they take action. They never give up on them, because they believe in them even when the other person stops believeing in themselves. That is what a realationship is about. 2 people putting in effort for one another to better and bring out the best in each another. If you truly believed that he tried to control his temper why did you leave? If you really felt loved why did you leave? You won't replace it easily....Apparently he was putting in effort and trying to meet your expecations....if you thought you had "deep love" why did you leave? Why did you give up? Was it easier to leave then to work at it?

    Relationships are about acceptance. I heard a saying once that said "I liked my wife for her perfections but I loved her for all her imperfections."

    I am not saying that you didn't do anything...I don't know..you didn't say much about that...but....How much effort did you really put in to make him into a better man? How hard did you really work with him? How much did you accept him, and how much of yourself and the things you have built, and your time did you risk for a better future? Or did you just put him down because he didn't measure up to your expectations, nagged about his faults, and expected him to change because you said something or hinted from time to time? What is his side of the story? What did he argue about? What faults did you have that he put up with for 2 years without complaining? Also how did he treat you overall? You said that the last few months anything triggered an argument or his explosiveness. What do you mean by anything? Did you trigger them? What or who was the catalyst? What was your contribution to this equation?

    To that guy..in his mind... you probably used him. I am sure it took you a while to distance yourself enough from him to move out. During that time you treated him less and less like a lover and an equal and more like someone you didn't want or care about. Your actions probably did most of the talking. That I am sure in turn made things worse, and if he was dealing with any sort of problems I am sure he was getting ticked. He started to react because in the back of his mind he knew something was wrong but he could not put a finger on it. Guys aren't good with figuring out such things. But he probably knew that something was going on and he felt the pressure you were putting on him. You needed justification to leave, you needed an excuse or several to reduce any guilt you might have had over what you were about to do. If there weren't any excuses or reasons good enought to leave you needed to create them. Arguing and nagging are the best ways to create justtification. You fueled each other, and accelerated whatever was going on. Fights started. Eventually as things tumbled it gave you more reason, more ammunition to leave and made your case stronger....until finally you left. But that probably crushed him...and now he is trying to deal with the pain the only way he knows how.

    In your story you downplay your part in this event. You say little about what you faield to do, and you say little about how he treated you overall for the last 2 years. What would he say in his defense if he was on here?

    And if there really was a real, unfixable problem and you left because you knew it wasn't the right thing then why are you upset now? Why are you seeking advice? You got what you wanted right? You mved out. Now you got no more arguments, and you got supportive friends, a nice job and a nice apartment. Whats the problem? If you didn't catch him with another woman and he was still a crying begging baby of a man still trying to call you all the time, you would still feel on top of the world and you would never post here. You would still be ignoring him. You would be looking for the next best thing in your life. things didn't turn out quite like you planned did they? But like that saying goes, "be careful what you wish for, you might just get it and then some"

    A guy devoted 2 years to a girl and she just moved out of his house and left him. Any guy who has even an ounce of manhood in him won't stand for that crap. He will quickly make her realize the error of her ways, and make her realize how permanent her decision really was, because up to that point she thought that she had the luxury of time to play her game. He will take away the only real power she has, which is sex. After all the best way to forget a woman is with another woman.

    And you are right. He might never return to you now. Wounds resulting from such an experience go ever deep, and most guys can't lock up their pride long enough to admit wrongdowing or forgive the person who hurt them. They usually just become angry, bitter and later move on. There is pleanty of tail out there that will treat him better then you. You probably don't deserve him. It would take an act of god for you to win his respect or give you another chance.

    You said.."It's only been one week since we were last together, how can someone else be in my bed, and in the house that I gave so much love to make my home??... "

    how come you don't say anything about loving him? or giving love to him....why are you talking about the house that you gave so much love to? What about the man? The fine print says it all....I get the impression that love is no longer there for you. You don't care about him at all...You're only thinking of yourself now. He's not playing games. Its not your bed anymore. You moved out. That was your choice. No one held a gun to your head. If you feel like a fool its only because he got the upper hand, instead of you. You probably assumed you would go to his house and see him all miserable, and lonely. That didn't happen. An option you thought you had just got closed off.

    The only advice I can give you is that you can either:
    #1. Move on, foever leave him behind, and learn from your experience, so that next time you live with a guy things might play out a little differently. (and I am sure this will be tough). Move on and start dating again and look for another prince. Keep yourself busy and pamper yourself so you dont't feel hurt.

    #2. Try to contact him, and try to work something out and forgive him for sleeping with another girl and realize that he was hurt by you leaving. Realize that you both messed up. Realize that you can both work things out. If he dosen't want to have anything to do with you then just take a month apart and try again. Wait a while, see what happens and try again. Distance and time make the heart grow fonder. He will not forget you after 2 years. A guy soon realizes that its hard to replace those little things he was comfortable with no matter how much skirt he gets. Start again if you can. Start a fresh relationship on a new foundation. Learn form this. Grow as people. The time apart and the thing that happened on both your ends might just bring you 2 closer together and teach both of you about acceptance and working things out more instead of reacting emotionally.

    #3 Move on for now and see what happens. Maybe after a few months or years the 2 of you will meet up again and set off some sparks, and then become one of those couples who stay forever together. Who knows.

    Its never too late to try again....that is as long as you still care. If you don't then see #1.

    P.S.

    He did what he did because he probably assumed you left him because of another guy...

  7. #7
    fantasia2004
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    that is so harsh even I would not know how to respond to that.

  8. #8
    DiglyD
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    The truth is always a little hard to swallow. (she did say don't sugar coat it so I didn't).

  9. #9
    Michael2
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    I was under the impression she dumped him.

  10. #10
    Johy
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    WOW!!!
    SOMEONE LEFT YOU HUH!!!!

    You just opened a can of worms my man!!!

    Well obviously if I had to sit here and write my whole relationship down, it would be longer than your e-mail....
    First things first,

    I didn't walk away from the relationship, that is the last thing I wanted to do, I love that guy with all my life, I gave him everything you can imagine, I did the impossible to keep the relatioship going, I was always the voice of reasoning when his explosive ways would make anyone run...I was in a verbally abusive relationship. Tne screams and the yells, the cursing, it got bad at times...Then I would come back and try to make it all better.
    I was there helping him built his house when all his friends were too busy to help him paint, or cut, etc..I was there, because I loved him.
    he would come home and dinner was ready, breakfast every single morning, and lunch for work everyday, I loved doing all these things for him, it made me happy.

    I was so involved in him, that I slowly lost contact of friends, and even family, it was always his family time, and never any time for mine, after a while...I'm sorry it's just not right.
    Millions of times i put my ego down because I loved him, and it didn't matter because I really cared.

    I lost a baby with him, it was the most horrible experience...but
    we got thru it...... and it made our relatioship stronger for a while,

    Then his explosive behavior was the reason for our arguments, not because we couln't work things out, because in the end we always did, but all those hurtfull moments, they just didn't go away.


    Emotionally, I tried to see the good in all his wrong, I was not perfect either but I can say sorry when I needed, he said it maybe once, maybe twice...but that's it.
    I left because we sat down one day and he said that he wasn't happy anymore, we had been fighting too often and why waste our time?
    I had left that weekend before to a family wedding which he didn't want to go to, (but he did party his a** off here in Miami) and when I came back that is what he had to say, and so the first thing I asked is if had met someone that weekend, and he said NO...

    I was always there to work things out, even till the end, even when I moved out, I wanted to maybe try it again, because i believe that moving in together was too fast, specially when we were already having some problems.

    He knew how I felt, the night before that horrible day, we had planned to see each other, we had spoken on the phone and set a time, he knew all along I did want to see him, so what happened to him??? was it the other girl that messed his schedule? because like you say it takes two to tango right? someone looked for him and he looked for her?
    He just GOT BUSTED trying to play games,, I KNOW HE WOULD HAVE TRIED TO PLAY COOL and called me the next day...or next week...what ever the point is that we were not over and he knew it... until now.

    He knew I didn't want o let go, he knew how much it hurt...he saw me cry, maybe too much.

    When I met him he had a 4 yr realtionship and so i let him go, we saw each other two years later and now he had 6yrs with her, and he left her.
    His father left his mom for a "youger and newer version" like you say of his mom, he did it a couple of times actually, and now his son turned out just like his father.

    You can't make people change unless they really feel in their hearts to change. No I didn't dump him,
    and Digly D what you wrote is not the truth, so I didn't swallow...
    But i like your honesty, you are a straight guy!
    My original story can be twisted anyway you want, after all averyone is different right?
    All i know is that he still has no right to do what he did, and YES, thank God that I have a good job and supportive friends, it all makes this situation better,

    Thank God that i was there that morning, because it just gives me more strenght to love myself a little better, rather than love someone who is already loving someone else.

    I came accross this website just like you, wanting to know if I was alone, and then you wrote back because you've been there right?

    The only thing that I can agree with is that yes some of it can be my faults because I should have know better.....

    I'm tired of arguing, I'm here to try to become a better me...

    and because I like to know what I'm not alone.

    hope you get this message everyone!!!

    I'm still looking for the right desicion,

    ALL opinions are stll welcome!!!!

    see ya!

    JOHY

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