Relationship: What is Trust? (Long)

Wow this is really long... I thank anyone who reads through the whole post. Sry if the grammar goes off the charts, let me know if a part is confusing or not.

Hey all. If you have been seeing my posts for the past 7 months or so, you know that I was in a relationship. We had been having sex since the second week of dating (I was her first) and we loved each other, and still do. She is 16 and I am about to turn 18. So 2 year difference. I am headed to college and she only into her Junior year of High school. So perhaps being afraid to lose me is a factor in all of this. But it consists of insecurities. Which do become trust issues so here goes.

About 1 month in I went to pick her up from a party. I was like, awsome a party. I drove up to the place, and what do i know? all guys. Not one other girl is there. There are like 10 guys, and my girlfriend. So I got kinda upset, and I let her know. I said "You find someoen better than me, you go right on ahead."

So from there I began to get a little skeptical about these guys. So we were ok for another month or so, and then she went out with them on the weekend... and I wasn't invited. So I was a little blown away, and I asked her politely "So when can I meet your friends?" And she told me soon, so I was eager to see who these guys were. Well she didn't seem to hang around them for a while so i was ok, and was happy an all. We spent the first 4 months with so much love, and so many fond memories. in the 5th month I even went on a huge trip with her and her family. We had such a great time, however I began to notice we were getting kinda frustrated with one another. Like each little quirk of mine was starting to bother her.

It had gotten to the point where she was like "I am bothered that you are only 1 inch taller than me." I was like "wow, you mad at me for being short?" So, after the 2 weeks straight that we spent with one another, she wanted to take the next weekend off. I was ok with it, a little hurt, but I was ok. So I spent it with my friends and had a good time. My friends were all guys mind you. My girlfriend ended up going to the beach, and partying and drinking with all these guys again. her being the only girl. They had been friends for some time (however remember, I have yet to meet them after 5 months). She got kinda bored (cuz her friends weren't around) and so she wanted me to come down that sunday. I was not doing anything so i went down. on my way down, I started to feel sick, so i got kinda worried.

Well we were ok from the start, talking about our fun weekends... and she had to brag about these guys and how "hot" they were an all. So I got uncomfortable and started asking questions. Well one of the guys that she mentioned many times called her. She went outside to talk... for no reason. So i went outside cuz I was curious. She was laughing, and was like "sure I will meet you there." Well right there that hurt... and I was already feeling sick so it was hard for me to keep my cool. I got upset and told her I didn't trust him. She had gotten all pissed, and so I left and went back home. She called, and I was still feeling that way, and I asked her not to see those guys again unless I had at least met them.

Well her response was "You won't let me spend time with my friends if you don't meet them?" I told her that I was uncomfortable that I didn't know what my "competition" was (in a joking manner). She got upset that I was skeptical. So i said "can you at least let me meet them" and she began to give me hell about the fact that I wouldn't like them. I started wondering, "what kinda friends would be so cruel to their friends boyfriend? why would they get jealous of me if they were "JUST FRIENDS"??" So with that whole argument that week, she started talking about break up and that I was headed to college next year. So the next weekend it seemed like things were reekindled, but I felt a little urk in her.

So that night she said "Oh I am tired, I am going to bed early." i said ok, so I left at 9. She was straightening her hair, so I got curious... so i waited around. 9:45 she came out all dressed up for a party (wasn't she tired and ready to go to bed?). Well I caught her, and her and I had a huge talk and a fight. So we broke up. Well prom was coming up, and I was debating whether to still take her. I felt like I had to so I did, and we got back together. Well then I asked to still meet her friends. We got into a whole other argument about me not trusting her with friends. (This whole relationship has been based on trust... or so I thought). So we ended up letting it go... well 2 weeks go by, and I go down to her house, and she was all over me cuz she was so horny. I told her that I wouldn't have sex with her. Well she started doing all the old stuff that I loved. So I was on top of her, and I told her "Either we get back together, or we remain as friends." She came back with "cant we be friends with benefits?" I was like, "taht means nothing to me." So we sat and talked for a good 20 min. And she i guess, lied to me and said "yes lets get back together."

Right after, she got crying. She said "I used you." I asked her "can't we work this out and see how it goes for the 3rd time?" She sorta said ok.. so the next night we were ok, and we had a great time. Well, then I talked to her and she said we were just friends. So right then I began to get angry at her for a lot of things she had been doing. Especially about her friends. Well I think it was kind of happy to get the things off my chest, because I had been a little frustrated with some of the things she had been doing and saying.

Well I didn't get the whole story until later, when I was talking to her mom. She had been bragging to me that her parents had bought her a new car (a Range Rover). She was like, "Oh its all pimped out and stuff," which i thought was stupid, but acted happy for her. So i was a bit skeptical and went behind her back and asked her mom about it. And she said to me "What car?" So then I knew, she had been trying to brag to me about this thing to make me seem interested or something. Anyways, So i called her, and we had an interesting convo

Me: "Hey, Hun, I have something to say, but I know that when I say it we won't be talking for a long time after this..."

Her: In a demanding tone "what?"

Me: "I have a secret, that I know about you."

Her: "What is it TELL ME"

ME: "So Hows the car?"

Her: "Its still in the shop."

Me: "Hun... you don't have a car."

I can't believe it, I TOLD her I had a secret, and there she goes trying to play me some more. But this wasnt the beginning. I talked to her mom, and she had lied to me about her parents getting a divorce, and she lied to me about a friend that she never had. Her friends name however was the same name as one of her actual friends, just a different last name. So when she referred to her to her mom, I was thinking of the other one. Very strange.

So we haven't talked, and she is seeing someone to try and figure out her problems with lying. The sad thing is, is that this must mean she is mental unstable... am i right? Perhaps so insecure, she isn't comfortable with herself... however I loved her for being herself... I always hated her lies. I always subconsciously knew they were lies, I just accepted them, and said that I believed them.

And again, I talked to her friend and she lied to me about something else, that she did something risky, however she hadn't a part of it. I just don't get this. A girl has to lie this much to stay happy... Well I still love her. I have lost all respect and trust in her, but I love her... can't explain why I do, I just do.

Now I am confused... do I take her back as a friend? Do I even consider friendship? I am afraid of getting hurt. Now its only been 2 weeks since our breakup... almsot 3 weeks. I am not going to see anyone else, becuase I have alot of respect for her in the sense that I don't want to hurt her. Not only that, but I couldn't love some other girl if I tried... love her still and wouldn't disrespect that. So I don't know, can you have a friend that you can't trust? Feelings of anger come back when I see her at times... then others I feel pain. Certaintly no time now to have a friendship... but is it possible in the future perhaps?

Are friendships based on trust?

What can I do now, to help her maybe... just let her be?

Feelin lost.

ForAnother

Hey,

Well I read your post and you do have a pretty complicated situation. For me I would have just ended it after she lied about going to bed but really went to a party. I can't stand people who lie over stupid things. It seems she HAS used you... but it's hard to tell the reason. As far as the "guy friends" goes, yeah that is common among girls. I wouldn't worry about that too much. With trust though, it's very hard to keep a friendship without it. I know you said she is younger, and this time in her life is surely filled with many challenging situations. She's probably not sure with what she really wants to do and you got stuck in the middle of it. I'd suggest you keep in contact with her now without looking for much else. There will be other people you could love, but if you only want to stick with her I'd wait for a while. Once you go off to college, if you truly love her now, you'll love her then. You may be able to patch this up in the future once she calms down. However, if you do find someone else I'd go with them. It may be better to go with someone your own age (not saying it's wrong to go with younger people, my parents are 4 years apart, but you may find it easier to relate to someone who is your age or older).

Best of luck to you, it's really hard to say. I just suggest you seriously think about this before you go away. If you get back together now it's just going to blow up again. Wait a while and see what happens. Sorry, but I don't think you could have a strong relationship again. Just remember though, it's what she did, not you. Good luck!

- Chris

Well, I would say you just asked a really big important question that I have no answer to give you. In many ways, I am in the same situation as you (not perfectly, but direct similarities). I struggle with those feelings of pain and anger every time I talk to my ex. Except, he didn't wait to date somebody else, the day we broke up he had his.. FRIEND.. on his LAP! And then later continued to tell me how now they are dating and how when he asked her if they were she kissed him. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...........

yeah.. I know, I'm stupid, I dated a total loser (for nearly 3 years).

Sorry about that little rant there, I'm a bit stressed out with finals and everything.

So, to get back to your question. I know that you really do want to help her, but I'm afraid that this is a mess that she got herself in. The best thing you can do, in my opinion, is to try to help yourself. Do what you need to to make YOURSELF happy. Trust me, no matter how much you sacrifice yourself for this person that will never change them. No matter how loving and caring you are, THAT will never change her lying or cheating. The only thing that will is something that takes place inside of her. Something that I am completley positive neither of us can control in our ex's. My ex would tell you straight forward that I was a very good lover, but none the less, he did what he did. SOOO.... if that is part of the reason that you want to help her, drop it. It won't do either of you any good..

I think sometimes we feel as though we have to play the martyr for those that we care about. Another lesson that I have learned (the hard way) is that if you let people use you like that, they will do just that: use you. Then, when they are done, they will go back to there old ways and treat you like some dirty towel they simply used to wipe their hands off with. So, again, sacrificing yourself for this girl won't do either of you much good.

(You know, I fear I sound a bit bitter in this post ^_^'. )

As for if you two should get back together or remain friends, I would say definitely don't get back together. It will be hard, yes, but if you really do love her, getting back together with her now will only decrease your chances of having a good relationship with her in the future. And I would say that you should let her know that you are open to talk but not to chase her down. Slowly over time your friendship can grow and become stronger, but for now, if you jump too deep into a shallow pool, all you will do is hit your head (if you know what I mean).

Good luck pulling through this *hugs ForAnother*

-SuzyQ

Oh yes, and by the way ForAnother, Princess Mononoke rocks! ^_^ anata no e ga daisuki desu! (I love your picture)

1. It seems you are nothing but a step in the ladder for her. She is using you while looking for someone else. It seems you are not her type (physically).

You should not allow anyone to use you in this way.

2. She is a liar, she has no respect for you. What if you ever marry (in the best of circumstances) she will cheat on you, lie to you, even worst : lie to your children, who will either become victims (as yourself) or liars like her.

Ran away from her !

Perhaps a BIG part of this that I forgot is that I love her family. I mean her mom is the greatest person in the world. She has helped me through a few things, and she has been understanding. I mean I love her famliy, and I see so many good things in them that I don't want to lose her, because eshe has those traits. I have lost alot of feeling for her in the past 2 weeks. But there is still some attraction to when I see her. Don't know if I can ever help that.

Well, I guess friends is nothing now, so I suppose I will move on. Thank you all for your help. Looks like I lost someone, and she lost me

Thanx again, good luck in everyone elses hard times and relationships.

ForAnother

It is good that you be sincere and that you be capable to attach to others and be capable of feelings. However, don't forget she has lied to you. If she is a liar, her mother cannot be so perfect. They may all be hypocritical. You are young and you must learn to be discerning BEFORE attaching to people you don't know.

Don't ignore signs of negative behaviour. Sometimes, when we meet people we like as partners or friends, we tend to ignore their mistakes, sweep them under the table until they, sorry for the wording, s....w us.

You must learn to open your eyes and ears, and to stop living in denial. You must face reality and see people the way they are. Don't allow people to disrespect you or to do things you would never do to them! Otherwise you will attach to the wrong people and they may hurt you big time in the future.

Take care!