So confused

This is something that has been slowly eating away at me, and I need some positive reinforcement, because I don't see the point anymore. I feel like someone made a mistake somewhere and put me in the wrong place or something. Growing up, my parents were really strict, I didn't really lead a stereotypical 'american girl' lifestyle. My parents immigrated here and so there is this terrible gap between our generations and they don't understand that things work differently here, to say the least, considering they've been in the U.S for 20 years now.

My mom had an arranged marriage, and to her, dating is a sin, and as much as I've tried to ignore her views on american culture, seeing as how I'm living it and she's not, its still had an effect on me. She's very religious and that has also influenced me, but I'm grateful for that because religion has done alot for me. But I can't help but feel thats its impossible to live the lifestyle thats expected of me.

I used to think that it was just my strict mother that wanted to make sure that I didn't drink/smoke, sleep around, stay in school, and get good grades. But after three years of college I've realized that its not just her, its me. Its important to me that I uphold certain values and live a certain lifestyle and maintain my original culture.....or atleast I thought I did.

It seems that everyone else around me has explored themselves and tried different things and seem to have fun doing it, and nothing seems wrong with it on the surface. It makes me think whats the point anymore? Why should I stay "pure", why should I not drink, why should I not experiment with drugs, why should I not have a boyfriend??

Even as I type the answer seems to come on its own, just writing the possibility of doing it is already making me feel like I would be a bad person. Its been pounded it my mind that I would be 'bad person' if I did any of those things and I can't help but carry those feelings over to my friends. I feel really, really, uncomfortable if they're all drinking, or if they're talking about what happened in bed the night before. I can't handle it.

It seems childish, but I don't want to experiment for the sake of experimenting, because I'm not all that curious. It just seems if I did live a more 'modern' lifestyle then I wouldn't feel so out of place right now, and maybe my friends wouldn't act like I was 5 years younger than them. It seems a shame that just because I have certain religious views that people see me as an immature person or younger, and also that I'm having to contemplate my values and belief system for the sake of 'fitting in.'

Maybe fitting in isn't so important, maybe I should just keep doing what I'm doing. But i think some things are definitely wrong though, like needing to overcome the feeling that someone is 'bad' because they're drinking. I feel like I should just throw everything away and do what everyone else is doing, but I shouldn't have to do that.

hey arielle,

Theres much to talk about on this topic. In terms of your parents what you need to understand is that they were brought up in a society that was based on completely different culture and values highlighted heavily by their religion. As long as they may have lived in the US, they were still nurtured and constructed originally by that original society, and so that part of them will never be crushed by this new society they are in.

The same goes for you. You have been brought by elements of their values and culture, and also of American society. Theres a mix, and while your parents may want and prefer you to mirror their culture and character, they cannot make you and neither can you, because american society is a part of YOU and YOUR upbringing. Your education, friends, work are all American, and that does have an effect on the person you are. There is no denying who you are.

There can only ever be a clash in culture if you and your parents make it a clash, because it doesn't have to be a clash. Whats important is that you accept how you've been nurtured and so do your parents. You should be curious and maybe anxious to experience the boyfriends, and drinking etc like you do because its part of the American side of you. Your parents wouldn't have that side, so they obviously wouldn't be promoting such actions and thoughts. You should also have the conscious to think if its bad and wrong because thats the other side of you leaning towards your family and faith. Your american friends wouldn't be carrying that side, so they would obviously really wonder why your not as eager to live and experience like them.

So which way to lean? Fitting in or upholding family & religion? Neither. Girl, YOU are YOU and you do what YOU feel you want to and don't want to do. There doesn't have to be a clash, and there will never ever be a right way to lean or approach.

Use your own intuition. I don't drink (anymore) because my mother and religion is against it completely, but more importantly because I don't enjoy it (whether thats been affected by my family is debatable but i don't do it because i don't want to). I have been criticised as a result, but they're not me are they? Besides friends who do criticise you aren't friends in the first place. I do have girlfriends and sex not because my mother is against it, and not because my friends all do it, but because i want to; because i feel i need to have a girlfriend/bestfriend in such a demanding society, and i need intimacy because of the stresses of life everyday. My parents may want me to be a doctor or lawyer etc, but i don't because its not a job I would particularly enjoy. Etc

You may feel comfertable in some situations and feel uncomfertable in other situations. Either way don't ever change for anyone, keep your essense and represent you because thats the unique individual you are, and there are no excuses or it. Its ok to be conscious because there is a mix your character. You can never please everyone, but you can and should always please yourself.

pm me if you want to talk Good luck

Hi,

congratulations for opening and sharing your story. I think it's a very positive step to talk about this in a "safe" environment.

You're 20 right?

I'll tell you what i see, okay?

There are three wills, desires or set of values here:

The first one is your mother's, family and tradtion

The second one is friends, society

The thrid one is your own. It is what you decide for yourself.

At this stage, it feels like you struggle between following your mother's or your friend's set of values.

What will stay on the long term is what you believe for yourself. Growing up as an adult means establishing your own set of values and behaviors which are not controlled by external sources but only by yourself.

What matters is what you want and what you feel. This is empowering. It gives you a mind set you trust and will use for the rest of your life. Right now, others are still "deciding" for you.

Ten years from now, what will stay is a set of values that you truly own.

That's what I feel you need to find right now. This set of values are like big avenues of behaviors and beliefs.

That's what is struggling to emerge right now. It is a freeing process for yourself.

You always hear about parents educating their children. When you grow up as a young adult, you can as well start educating your parents on your own unique needs and new values. They can learn from you. You have a new set of values which is emerging. Find what they are. Give them power and space. They will be your real guiding forces in the future.

Good luck and stay in touch

vitalcoach

Arielle21,

You know I admire the fact that you have developed a certain set of morals and beliefs that you wish to uphoold, and at the same time I undesrstand how you feel.

I used to be alot of ways like you, finding it difficult to live by what I learned. One day I asked myself "whats the point?" and I decided to try stuff. Many years later after both good and bad times I have found myself back where I started 10 years earlier wishing that I didn't do some of the things I did, and regetting that I didn't do other things that I should have done because I was under the mistaken impression that they were bad, or dirty, or wrong becasue this is what I was taught when growing up. I do wish that I didn't stray from my beliefs. I wish I didn't drink, I didn't smoke for a while, I wish I didn't loose some of my innocence, and I wish I didn't have to face the harsh and ugly realities of this world. I made mistakes and at the same time, I didn't do enough.....but I learned alot both about myself, and about how i fit into the world.

As crazy as this might sound in a way I believe that we all come into this world very idealistic, and full of "purity". Yet life like nature tends to be harsh and full of difficulty that we must overcome if we want to move forward. We grow from these innocent people into people who can deal wit hall sorts of stuff after a lifetime of pain, heartache, mistakes, and struggle. We grow a tough skin, I don't know why, maybe to prepare us for whatever comes next. Either way I think this is a classroom, and the only way to learn is to try, and fail, get up and try again until each and every lesson is learned. But the key is to figure out the best way to learn that complements who you are.

In a way you are still pure, and I don't know whether you will be able to maintain it. Its not an easy road to walk. The world is full of crap and full of beauty at the same time. Yet like they say you got to kiss alot of frogs before you find your prince or princess.

The path you might have to walk might require you to loose some of your innocence in order for you to be able to deal with all the things that life wil throw at you. I'm not telling you that you should forget your beliefs or morals but only that in some ways they might be keeping you from seeing the "reality" of how life really is. Yes its wonderful to be pure, but we do not live in a pure world. If you can find more people such as yourself then it might be easier to hold onto your beliefs, but if you can't you might end up having to re-evaluate whether they are "realistic" and whether they are helping you or stopping you from leading a fulfilling life.

Here is my 2 cents on what I leared over the years...

I learned that its not important to live as others wish you to live. I learned that someone's definition of fun might not be your definition of fun and thats ok. Its not important what someone thinks because in all honesty they don't care. They are too preoccupied with themselves. Its not important to do something for the sake of doing something because it "seems" fun. I would see guys drink and they were having fun, but every time I drank I got sick, I wasted alot of time recovering, it tasted nasty, and even drunk I wasn't feeling like I was having fun. I just kept seeing the same drunk poeple tell the same stories over and over at a bars that all looked the same to impress some girl they wanted to be with. What type of life is that?

I do what I believe and live the type of life I want and the rest of the world be damned. Alot of my current friends still do many of the things they have always done becasue that is what everyone else does, and yet I am the only one who does things differently. When I go to a bar or club I don't drink, maybe a glass of wine but thats it, I don't try drugs, I don't sleep around with every thing in a skirt, though I could if I wanted to. I don't brag about my car, or my home, or about how much I make. I don't try to impress anyone, and I don't think its that important. I don't do things that guys expect me to do and I don't act like they act....and I especially don't do things that women expect me too or assume I should do because that is what every other guy does. And you know what? Many of those friends and even people who barely know me respect me for the fact that I choose to live a life where I don't give a crap what anyone else thinks, and I live a life based on my beliefs and I do not stray from them. But my beliefs are an end result of my experiences, an end result of what I discovered by trying stuff and making mistakes.

Remember that your friends, and the people you see around you who have "explored" themselves, and who are trying "things" and doing stuff and seem to enjoy it, not always do so. What you see is what people want you to see, and people always tend ot believe what they see. WHat you don't see is those people alone at night. What you don't see is the result of their choices, where thier lives lead. What you don't see is the heartache they have when the boyfriend or girlfriend leaves. What you don't see is the STDs that some of them might get but will never share with you or the abuse they make take at the hands of another. What you don't see is them fighting, them arguing, them dealing wit htheir problems. You don't see them when they are vulnerable, hurt, and coping with some of the things that their type of lifestiles bring in addition to the fun and the enjoyment. Remember there are 2 sides to every coin. People's lives are the same...the good and the bad, but all you see right now is just the good. You might not do certain things that they do, but at the same time you don't have to deal with some of the issues that they have to deal with. Its a trade-off.

Remember that some people live lives of illusion and delusion. They do what they do because its expected from them and this is all they know. They have never tried to do anything different. People are afraid of change, and in general most resist change or anything that might take them out of their comfort zone. Then never stop for even a second to think about whether what they are doing they really truly enjoy. They just assume this is how things are and this is how they should be done. Many of them are insecure, and they are looking to "fit in" or looking for someone to accept them. They are afraid to be alone. They wrongly believe that if they act like others that they see they will be loved, and appreicated, and maybe even admired or desired.

I have friends and know people who constantly hang out at bars, get wasted, do drugs, experiment with all sorts of people and things, and basically live a life of conformity that is dictated by the latest fads, magazines, advertising, and their friends. They expect everyone around them to act like they do, and when those people act differently, they are looked down upon or pressured to conform. People are afraid of that which is different because it makes them feel insecure and brings out their flaws into the light. People like you are in some ways better then them, because you hold to a higher ideal. Many people can't relate to that and it scares them a little.

One reason which ties into what i said above why you should stay "pure" and not sleep around, not drink, and not smoke or do drugs because all those things are an "escape" from the realitles of life, and they do nothing to further you as a human being or do nothing to bring you any closer to success. Right now you walk a higher path in a way. In a way you are keeping yourself from getting currupted. You have learned to deal with life, instead of escaping from it. This is one of the major reasons why it is taught that a person should not indulge...so that they are in control of their life, and able think clearly as they deal wit hadversity. Success and fulfilment in life comes from being able to control oneself. This is what enlightment is, and what many people have strived for thousands of years to achieve. The ablity to control one's thoughts, and actions.

Yet, many people have built lives for themselves which they do not like, in which they feel trapped. They live above their means, burried in credit card debt, with partners they married or went out with for the wrong reasons. They feel like slaves living lives in a world they they feel they have no control over. To escape from that reality they spend all their money on toys, drugs, beer, women and clubs. Its a way to forget and a way to feel good even if for just a moment. They open a magazine and see that if they buy such and such thing happiness will be theirs. They see an advertisment for a BMW and think that if they have that car then the girl of their dreams will fall into their lap, or they think that they will have more status and be more respected. In a way its true becasue almost everyone else is part of the same rat race. Yet they never stop for a moment to think that the answers are all within them, and they will never come fro moutside sources. Most people do not realize that ture happiness, and success in life come with overcoming problems, issues, challenges, and circumstances with discipline, control, and following one's inner beliefs and not by escaping from such reality.

Living a free life does not come from comformity or doing things that society deems good just becasue you see it on TV or everyone of you friends is doing it. It comes from being an individual and maintaining your believes no matter what circumstances you find yourself in. Its very easy to do something that everyone else is doing, and yes its hard to do things that go against the crowd, or live a life based on a series of beliefs that contradict the norm, or at least do not go along with whats expected. Its very easy to stand by, and say nothing when someone is being taken advantage off or abused. Its very easy to go along with the crowd and say nothing when an injustice occurs and then just complain about it afterwards. But its hard to be the only one out of the crowd who says something or raises his hand. You put yourself at risk. Many poeple would rather die then do this.

However some of the greatest people in our world were never the ones who did what everyone else was doing just because everyone else did it. These people were great, becasue they chose to live their lives according to their own inner rules, and ideals. They stood against the current, and pursued dreams that 99.9 percent of society told them were either stupid, impossible, or unreachable. Look at Ghandi for example....think of his religious beliefs and the pressures to conform to the status quo.

Do not feel pressured to join the crowd. Continue to walk your own path and do things that agree with that little voice inside you. That is all that matters in life...If it feels uncomfortable then don't do it...whats important is listening to the inner you and following those beliefs. What anyone else says or what anyone else thinks is irrelevent. Remember a kite raises against the wind not with it. You are an end result of not just evolution but also what has been taught to you by your parents and your peers, and what you yourself have deiscovered. This is who you are, and you can't go and do something that in not aligned with your beliefs. If you do, it will lead to dissaster. So if certain actions that you see others do make you feel uncomfortable don't do them. Don't feel like you must. Take a step back and do what you have always done until you feel ready to try something else.

Having said that I do also want to tell you that you should not feel "dirty" if you ever do choose to do something that your friends do or try to experiment or get a boyfriend or fit in. Life is about living and about experiencing everything about you. The only thing you have to be sure off, is whether you are going to be ok with the consequences of whatever actions you choose to do. As long as you are willing to deal with the end result then go for it, but realize that something will always happen. For every action you will have an euqal and opposite reaction.

The most important thing I leared was that you have to live according to your own beliefs and not those of others. There is nothing wrong with having a boyfriend or girlfriend as long as its aligned with what you believe and what you are comfortable with. There is nothing wrong with trying different things as long as they agree with your inner self.

I've said at first for you not too conform to pressure or do things that everyone else wants....but also....Don't cut yourself off from life because someone else has taught you that something might be bad. Remember that one man's potion is another man's poison. Someone else has a different set of beliefs then you do, and they are looking for thier own self interests and not yours no matter what they may say. Even your parents, are looking out for their self-interests, and they might be living their own unfulfilled dreams, and lives that didn't pan out the way they planned, through you. If you succeed in their eyes according ot their wishes they succeed in turn. They can die feeling like their lives were not in vain. Yet this comes at a cost. THe cost is you. This is not success, you loose in this game, because you are essentially living for them. Never forget that what people do, no matter what they say, they always do for their own selfish reasons. Its just human nature. Very few are able to be unselfish in their desires and altruistic in their actions. Always realize that you are here to "live your own life" and not someone elses. The worst tragedy you can do is to live your life according to someone elses wishes and belifes. If you do, you will at some point realize that you lived a life of emptimess that did not bring you true joy. True joy and happiness only comes from expeirencing your own life according to your own desires and dreams and not anyone elses. If you don't live your own life who will? Don't be afraid to try new things. Sometimes you might feel sick and can't handle some of the stuff you hear or see because you have not tried it. Half of those feelings is your own voice telling you that they are not aligned with your inner self and that you should not do these things, but sometimes it might also just be fear of the unknown, or your mind not wanting you to get out of your comfort zone, out from where you feel safe and secure. Learn to distinguish between the two. Learn which is which and take the appropriate steps when the situation arrises.

Look at all the unhappy people around you, all those who did what their parents told them, went to the school their parents reccomended, stayed with the girl/guy the parents approved off, and did the things that everyone said were safe or should be done. They never took risks, they never experimented, they never truly lived. Don't live a life like that either.

The key is balance. The key is just doing what you and only you think is right according do your beliefs.

Hi arielle,

Do what feels right for you. Your parents have valid concerns but they still see everything from the perspective of the society they were brought up in. Just to use one example, dating. In your mum's time and the culture of the society she was in, romantic relations were most likely only established after marriage. thereforeeee, she can't quite see how dating would be of any use. She has a valid concern in something serious coming out of an unplanned moment. However, all you can do is show her you're responsible, and when you feel ready, go out and look for the experiences that are available to you. For all you know, if she had those same options herself, she may have made use of them.

The thing is, make use of the opportunities you have to better yourself. Not all things need to be experienced, like drugs, to have a full life. It's all about priority, responsibility, making smart choices. You can't always please another and you have a better chance pleasing yourself. Just 'cos you don't do as your parents do, doesn't make you a bad person. Just a different one from them. However, having said that, you will take into account what you have been brought up with so you don't have to worry that you will alienate them. You've taken their culture and the culture you're growing up in to make both your own. Lots of times, we all want the same things but we respond in various ways and achieve them differently.

So don't feel bad about making use of the options available to you now. Your parents will see that you can be just as responsible as them even as you embrace ideas they are not familiar with.

I think that I'm a lot like you. I'm also 20 years old female and I came to U.S. when I as 13. My parents are not that strict but I still had a lot of influence form my grandparents and my native culture. I also had a lot of influence from my best friend who comes from a very conservative family. I did find it really hard to fit in as a teenager. It doesn't bother me that much now though. Other people have posted it and I agree: you should live by your own beliefs and do what you think is right and not what your parents believe in or what your friends are doing. There is nothing wrong with your beliefs and maybe it would be easier if you try to find people with similar values as your own. I sometimes also want to forget all that and "experiment" but whenever I get a chance I don't really want to. My conscience is holding me back I guess. I don't even regret not drinking or smoking or doing drugs. I do wish that I had started dating earlier. I never even kissed a guy until I was 19 and I haven't dated anyone after him. A lot of it has to do with that I'm very shy but also because of my lack of experience and different values concerning sex.

Well … I don't know what else to say. I hope this has been of some help

Good Luck