HE WANTS TO GET MARRIED BUT HE HASN'T PROPOSED?

My boyfriend tells me that when we met he knew i was the one person he'd want to have a serious relationship with(he'd dated a lot of women before but never wanted had a long-term relationship) Shortly after dating for a few months he told me he loved me and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. We are so similar, we love the same things in life, we have become part of each others family, we are best friends and have shared alot together, ups and downs. Everything is wonderful and hes everything i could wish for in a boyfriend. We've talked about the future alot and we want the same thing. We're planning to move in together as soon as we can, but we r both very practical people and want our careers stable first and a bit of stability financially before we consider it. The thing is he tells me he wants us to get married and i cant think of anything that would make me happier because he'd make a fantastic husband and father. The problem is, it seems to be all words and no action.

We took a trip together and he said later in a day after visiting a local sight that he felt it would have been the perfect opportunity to propose at that sight we'd been to, it had been a really great day. I was so happy that he'd felt like he wanted to but i was devastated that he hadnt. i dont know why he even told me this. I didnt discuss it at length with him because i would have become upset but i did ask him why he didnt propose and he said it was because he didnt have a ring and he'd like to plan it. He tells me alot that he'd like to get married, and financially he could afford a ring and hes even asked which kind i like, but i dont understand why if he felt as strongly as he tells me he does, he hasnt asked me (its been sometime since that trip)? My boyfriend has to think something is his idea for him to go through with it, so i dont want to bring it up with him again. does anyone have any thoughts about whats going on in his head or has anyone had the same experience.

Hey there,

well I can relate big time. I've been with my boyfriend over a year and half- from the second month in he told me he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life making me happy. We talked in great detail what we both wanted and what kind of life we wanted together once we got married. Went ring shopping, and started planning bits of the wedding. We went on a short trip this weekend too and he said he had planned on proposing that weekend but his original plans to take me whale watching didn't work out because of bad weather. I questioned him as to why he didn't propose (because he told me he would have if his plans hadn't fell through) and he said he wanted it to be perfect. But through the year and a half I've found that with guys, there's no pressing the issue- because I found the more I questioned him on it and asked when he was finally going to propose and put his words into action, he backed away and waited even longer before even considering it again. It's hard, but try your hardest not to pressue him. Don't hint, don't talk about it, just let him figure it out- I guarantee it'll happen faster if you keep your nose out of it. Good luck!

thanks. yeh that's the way i've been thinking, you know, not trying to mention it incase he backs off from feeling pressurised. It's hard to leave it sometimes and not say anything because he builds my hopes up when he brings it up. so it's good to hear from someone else that can relate to it, i think thats all i needed was to hear it from someone else instead of keep telling myself it. so thank you so much, i really appreciate it

No worries- I know how you feel about getting your hopes up and stuff. Be careful, if you get your hopes up and expect it to happen but it doesn't for a while you'll be crushed. So be careful with how seriously you take him when he talks about it.

hi all. just thought id give an update for anyone who read this or maybe in similar situations. A couple of days after deciding to follow the advice of "giving him time", which was probably the best thing to do and was said to me again and again, was that he brought up getting married-AGAIN and took me to the window of a jewellers and asked which rings i liked-AGAIN. Later, after a day of telling myself to keep quiet, i errupted all of my feelings and told him i thought he was cruel for stringing me along to believe he wanted to get married when he had no intention of showing any committment, and so on. I got it all of my chest and this started an argument in which he eventually admitted having planned the whole thing because he wanted it to be perfect and that he was planning it to be on a holiday abroad in the mountains skiing next easter. He admitted feeling that i didnt want to marry him because i was acting strange when he mentioned it and now he knows why. We both feel silly for making each other feel that way about it and i feel terrible for spoiling the plans because it did sound perfect (but we are still going to have the holiday ) but it has really helped. He still says he wants to plan something special because he feels that as the man in the relationship he has to make it perfect, but he's set a time frame of when it will be within and we've started looking for houses together and starting to save for our future. i couldnt be happier but i really should have followed the advice from everyone of giving him time.

I agree, it does feel so good to know that other women are in the same situation. My bf and I have been dating for 2 1/2 years. For awhile he was the one ready for marriage and I wasn't. Now the tables have turned. We talk about marriage but he says he can't afford a ring. I have told him that I want something simple, not some huge obnoxious rock, but I have yet to be asked to look at a jewelry store with him.

It's really painful when he tells me about his friends who have gotten engaged. I've had a few emotional breakdowns to him, and he insists that it will happen but now's not the time. I have become a little obsessed with getting engaged and need some advice on how to take my mind off of it. Any suggestions???

I know how you feel, I feel the same way. I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half long distance (We will both be 25 in a few months). I spent a lot of time agonizing over when we would finally live in the same city and he just shut down and told me he has to work on his promotion, etc. I told him that I would move to where he lives and he said no, he insists on moving to my city, which means that even though I would make plans to move as soon as school is over, the move is in his hands.

I recently moved to his city for the summer (I am in school getting my doctorate) because I know that this is the only way we will be together. We are both so happy to be together but I am sorry that I moved in with him without a committment. Now I feel like he is getting everything he wants and will never marry me. He told me a few months into our relationship that he wanted to marry me. I have never been happier but waiting since then has been torture. It has been over a year since he said that! Now everytime I bring it up he gets mad and says he doesn't want to talk about it and why am I pressuring him.

I try to smile and ask him nicely to avoid conflict becuase I feel like I deserve to know what's going on. I tell him how important it is to me and he walks away. I asked him last night if we could look at rings and he stormed off and left me, in public. I had to walk home alone and I have lived here for three weeks. We talked about it a little this morning and he said he was sorry to get mad but that he doesn't want me to pressure him. He said he knows he wants to marry me and he loves me but he doesn't know when he will be ready. I got sad and he said look, I don't have the money to afford a ring now or anytime in the near future. I take that more as he doesn't want to save for a ring now, or anytime in teh near future.

I am devistated. Does he know how much he is hurting me when he says that? I feel like I am obsessed with getting engaged but all of our friends are starting to get engaged and I feel sad and embarrassed that he doesn't want to marry me. I stayed home during a friend's barbeque becuase they just got engaged and I just can't deal with it. I don't know what to do. I am so sad. Does anyone have any advoce on how I can talk to him about this without it turning into a fight?

Thanks for helping me out.

Ok well I fall into the category on the other half of this issue. Im a guy (as my name suggests LOL) and I'm going to propose to my g/f. I just don't know when and I can honestly say I wouldn't want to be pushed. I like to plan everything properly, so I'd have to make sure everything was set, like the time/place and I'd have to have the rings and everything like already. Believe me, the amount of things that go through a guys head with a decision like this are astronomical. Give it time, if he has said it will happen, it will happen.

I'm glad to hear that it's not all in my head that he's using the lack of money as an excuse. Fairygirl, once during an emotional breakdown I asked my boyfriend if he was using the money as an excuse. He said that if I felt that way then I must not know how much he loves me. That made me feel better, but it doesn't put money in his bank account.

I've been doing the long distance thing with my bf for two years. I refuse to move in with him because my conservative parents would make our lives a living hell. I've been thinking about this alot and decided to keep quiet for awhile. I still talk about things that we'll do when we're married, but don't question him about when it's going to be. A friend of mine gave her bf a date that he had to propose by or she'd leave . Well he broke up with her because she was pressuring him. Maybe you could set a date in your head that you want to be engaged by, but don't tell him when it is. Don't even bring it up. Be realistic though. I know that if my boyfriend renews his apartment lease with his buddy in February then he and I will go our separate ways. I makes me sick to think of that happening, but I don't want to be strung along. Computer guy, am I being a total psycho, or does this make sense?

Countrygirl,

I can understand where you are coming from and yes it does make sense.

Just give the guy a bit of time. It's a well known fact that women start to feel the clock ticking when the marriage topic comes up. I don't know why they just seem desperate to get a bit of gold on their finger and sign their lives and surname away to some guy.

I can understand your mans point of view though - Pressure isn't something any man copes easily with. Men are very bad at coping with pressure and it can make us grumpy - even towards those closest to us. We don't mean to be like this we just are. Back off, don't talk to him about marriage and he will find it a lot easier. Once he gets his mind sorted out and is definite about how, where & when he is going to ask he will.

Good luck!

-Turboz

Thank you for the advice Countrygirl and Computerguy. You're right, I have been trying not to bring it up, but as you know it's really hard. The majority of our friends are getting married next summer and it breaks my heart to have to hear about their plans and know that even though we are in love, we can't tell the world. It makes me feel like he's taking me for granted. I think women feel like if you love us, you wouldn't hesitate. But, I guess there are all of these other practical factors that hold you back. I just wish love didn't have to be about money. I will hang in there, and I have picked a date that I will try to stick to. It would be humiliating to wait too long. Thanks again and good luck to both of you.

This is BS! GIve the guy time.....the more time you give them, the more they will postpone committing. After you have sincerely talked to a guy abouyt bring engaged and he has balked twice, you have 2 options: live with it (do't think he will come around on his own-he won't!! Why buy the cow when she is giving him free milk?) or leave him.

If you wait and wait as I did (6 months, then talked to him, nothing, than 6 more months went by-this is torture!) nothing will happen!

Something will only happen if you want commitment IF YOU LEAVE HIM. Seriously. Not leave him a little. Just cut him out like a cancer.

Two things will happenL either he will come back with the proposal or he will disappear. If he does disappear, it's good for you: you can now find a guy who knows what he wants. If he comes back, do not believe empty promises: you have to get engaged.

I did that: I cut it altogether. He found out he wanted to be with me. We got engaged. Now I am going to have to do it again: he's stalling in the wedding plans. Doesn't want to talk about it. Driving me nuts. Now I have to repeat what I did a year before? Problem is, now we live together and share a house and stuff. More difficult to cut him out!

Luciana,

Tell me more. I'm the guy in your situation. My g/f and I always talked about our future and marriage, she always asked me when we were goign to get married. She nagged me about it alot, to the point her asking me so much was making me postpone the proposal more and more. Now she has requested space from me, b/c she is angry with me. I'm thinking of trying to get back into her life with a ring. Tell me about your situation.

Luciana,

How in the world is blackmailing the man you supposedly love beneficial to a relationship which is meant to last a lifetime? What happens when you get married and you want children but he isn't ready? Threaten divorce? I think the, "I'll leave you if you don't do it MY way in MY timing" is totally selfish and manipulative. It's hard waiting, I waited over a year and a half and did I want to be engaged? Yes of course. Did I consider leaving him? Yeah, but did I ever once threated him that if he didn't propose and do it soon that I'd "cut him out of my life like cancer" ? Despite what the world says, marriage isn't about one person and their watch. If both want to get married but one isn't as ready, the WRONG answer is to threated him and then put him in a position where he has no choice. That's how divorces begin. SOmeone gets pressured and feels he has no other choice, marry her NOW or loose her forever... sadly in most cases loosing her forever would have been the easiest since let's face it- it's way easier to end a dating/engagement relationship than to end a marrige. I really hope you will consider your fiance before you start making all kinds of malicious plans to bend him to your will. You can spend a lifetime trying to control him, but in the end he'll end up hating you for it. As for the previous post, DO NOT get engaged simply because she is in a corner whimpering like a wounded animal because she can't get her way. It's hard being ready when the other isn't, BUT IT'S NOT ABOUT ONE PERSON! If she isn't ready to be patient and give you time and space to really think the decision through (hello, it's LIFETIME comittment, it shouldn't be a quick decision!) then you need to consider whether or not you want to be with someone who will not consider your needs and your concerns equally. You dont want to end up in a marriage where everytime she wants something she threatens to leave if you dont deliver and do it fast. Sounds a lot like a spoiled selfish child who needs to realize that she can't always have everything she wants when she wants it.

I dont know I guess maybe Woman are all like this. I have been with my boyfriend for about 4 1/2 years and I have lived with him for 2 1/2 years. The past one and a half year have been really bad because my younger sister got engaed to a guy that she knew for a year. Then my two best friends got engaged within months of eachother. I can honestly say that I am devestated about it. I dont know what to do. Again, his excuse is that he doesnt have the money to buy a ring, but we have even gone to look at rings a couple of times. He will talk like we are going to get married and call me his future wife but when i bring it up sometimes he gets really mad at me. He is also not saving any money for my ring. I think it is an excuse and if he loves me as much as he says he does, then why wont he propose. His mother even tells me she already loves me like a daughter, he has even asked her before how he is going to afford a ring. But it has been months. He gave me a deadline and then took it away. I am convinced that he doesnt want to to marry me, but her says he does. It has been 4 1/2 years!! I am so anxious and gettin impatient. I have thought about leaving him but i love him and he is one that would never come back. He would just leave. I am miserable because of this and there is nothing that helps.

I have never been in that situation....

But why don't you reverse the situation... and propose to him??

I would never propose to my boyfriend! I want romance- him down on one knee. I don't think I'm alone in this fantasy either.

To all the ladies- I have been away on a cross country trip for three weeks. My boyfriend has been going nuts without me, as he has told me on the phone. Maybe leaving him for just a short while was good for us. I'll keep you posted. I have been really good about keeping my mouth shut about proposals. Planning the trip kept my mind off of it, and taking the pressure off of him was the right thing to do. He even casually mentioned that he put a few thousand dollars into his savings account and I just said, "That's great!"

We need to keep reminding ourselves not to bring it up, no matter how much we want to!

Manylee, you did not get my point.

Not for one second did I threaten him with leaving.

I put a deadline FOR MYSELF.

I first tried to talk to him about marriage nicely and as a friend. He never wanted to discuss it, or got flaky about it.

So after waiting for 2 years and not mentioning it again (even though it was eating me up), I decided on a date to leave him. It's like leaving a job that is not giving you promotions even though you are working hard and trying to get a better job! It's our right to leave a situation that is not healthy for you!

So I chose a date and left him a very nice letter that day. It was not an accusatory letter and I DID NOT ask him to marry me. No threats! I said we had different goals and I was moving on, that I wanted to find someone with the same goals I had (form a family).

HE CHOSE to come back. He could have taken advantage of the opportunity and fled. But is made him make a decision whether it was worth it or not to leave me.

I see no threat on this and you obviously didn't understand my point.

Imagine someone threatening to leave if the person doensn't marry you: no one who is an adult will fall for that! No one can be forced to marry anyone!

Tutty, after such a long time..he should know what he wants. It's fine and dandy and utopic what Mandylee said about giving him time to think because it is a lifetime commitment (not necessarily so-divorce doesn't have to be traumatic), but how much time does a mature man need? If he's 24 I can understand his reluctance, but any man over 35, please!

One or 2 years seems like a good wait (I am against flash marriages), but why on earth does he need 4 1/2 years to think?

Tutty, if you are unhappy and he is stringing you along, leave him. Leave nicely (leave an open door), with no threats and no accusations and no fights.

Then set your mind to find a guy who thinks like you and wants the same thing. Let's no indulge commiment-phobics. I know how humiliated you feel. Even living together you can leave him. LEave happy, even if you are hurting like crazy inside. YOur new life is just about to begin. Have HOPE.

i was with a guy for over three years. we talked about getting married all the time, but nothing ever happened. i know i ended up putting a lot of pressure on him do propose, and he kept having excuses - not the right time, he hadn't enough money for the ring etc etc.

then we broke up and within two months he was engaged to someone else! now, that hurt! but looking back it was the best thing that could have happened, because if he'd asked me to marry him i'd have said yes, and really i was probably in love with the idea of getting married more than the idea of marrying him.

Twinkle, you hit the nail right on the head. I have to remind myself that I want a marriage, not just a wedding. That must've been painful when he proposed to someone else, but you really are better off. As for a divorce not having to be traumatic, Luciana, I find that hard to believe. If a person goes into a marriage knowing that they can just get divorced if things get rocky then the relationship is doomed to fail. Marriage IS a lifetime committment.

Luciana, thanks for the advice. I dont think he is commitment phobic. I dont know. He wrote me a letter in february that said that we would be engaed within the year. I think i have to give him until then. I am not a strong enough person to just leave, even if it is never going to happen. I dont know. He talks so much about our future, but just hasnt proposed. I

would really like a guys opiion. When is too long? My friends that just got engaed were together with their men for 4 years and 5 1/2 years. I am right in the middle of them. I feel sick almost everyday, and by the way i could never propose to him. I want to be proposed to. I dont know what to do, but your advice really hit home. Thanks.

Tutty,

I think your boyfriend and my boyfriend must be related

I am in almost the same situation...

We have been together for about 3 1/2 years . He refers to me as his future wife sometimes and talks about our children etc. Well, last January he told me he is ready and that he is going to propose this year. I never pressured him or anything like that. In fact I was surprised when he said that's what he wanted to do. Well, of course after this conversation I was so excited, I told my mom and close friends. So, for the first 4 months I was on cloud 9, and nervous about every time we went out to dinner or something, because of course you want to look your best when they do decide to propose. However, I started to get tired of working myself up everytime we did something. He had even told a mutual friend of how he wanted to propose. The friend didn't tell me how, just said that I should be ready... So, when the topic did come up again in June, all of a sudden I was pressuring him and he got all weird about it. I only brought it up to him because I will be starting graduate school and a career in the next year & 1/2 and would like to plan a wedding before I start. Well, he started to say, "I don't want to be pressured, I don't have the money to get you a nice ring" and so on and so forth. I was crushed, because he was the one who brought this up in the first place and up until January I was okay with us. Of course I was ready, he is the love of my life, but I was okay with waiting for him. So, I have never brought it up again. I really try and to not think about it too much. The only bad thing is that people close to us know that this year was supposed to be the "year"... So, I will feel a little dumb if 2005 comes a long and I have no ring, but I won't dwell on it too much. His sister is getting married this month, so I think that could be a reason he's avoiding it, because he sees first hand the stress and money it can take to just plan the wedding part.

My boyfriend proposed to me last weekend, it was so sweet and romantic.

Don't give up hope ladies

My boyfriend proposed to me last weekend, it was so sweet and romantic.

Don't give up hope ladies

 

CONGRATS TO YOU BOTH!!!!!