break or breakup , 2 young 4 marriage

Hi all.

this is my 1st post here.

I'm 24 and male.

I have a girlfriend (22) & we've been together for 3 years & it was great.In these yaers she was really nice & honest with with me , she didnt date anyone else & we were 1st close friends & then lovers.She was my 1st serious love so i thought that i should gain more experience , thereforeeee i told her that i will date ppl but i will tell her if i'm going to really stay with one.i didnt do that but i kept her in a situation of uncertainity for this last year. I dated 2 times & it was almost nothing - I didnt like the ppl i met , i have never looked at anyone else , i did this dating thing just to convince myself that ive met enough ppl , i really felt no attraction towards them & thought theres something wrong with me .But now she says that she is spiritually tired of this situation & wants me to go & have my experience & then come back if i want but stay more firmly in our relationship. I dont know but maybe she has found someone else.I know i was a jerk to do that to her but she never told me seriously that she was upset about this , i mean i convinced her everytime we talked.Now I'm really stuck.I am a shy person so i can't START relationships very quick & plus i CANT LIE so it will take some time for me & i fear she may get away until that.But on the otherside i think what she says is almost something about marriage & plus maybe i should meet more ppl.She's really smart,beautifulll,nice charming & very much like me ( soulmate thing ) but She's a virgin & she has this philosophy that she will have FULL sex only with her husband , so that she has something for him.I live in a middle-east country where virginity is an important issue for many.

She says that she's not breaking up & she still loves me but she wants me to not waste my youth & go out & gain experience so that i will really know her value & when i come back , for as long as we will stay friends , i stay firmly in our relationship.plus maybe she should start looking for her husband.for me marriage is not a choice , i can't marry anyone in this age.in all these years i think i was the ignorant & less caring about our relationship ( not about her ).

I'm really stuck & have lost my concentration almost for 3 days , i can't eat & A i can't pursue my MSc studies correctly.I know i sound really incompetent but thats what it is .It's 24 hours since we last talked , before that i tried to stick to no contact for 3 days but couldnt do that for longer than 12 hours.should i stick to no contact ? wouldnt it mean a breakup instead of a break ?

Hi,

I feel there's lots of love between the two of you. She is incredible what she says: "Just go, experience, and come back to me when you are ready..." She is really mature and understanding of your needs.

Whaou!

Right now, it seems the situation does not move because of "expectations" on both sides which can't be fulfilled:

She wants your committment and possible marriage.

You want to experience life but do not seem to be able to live without her.

The underlying dynamic here is bigger than your story: it is the conflict between two tradtions and two ways of looking at relationships:

One says: "go experience life. You are free"

The second one says: "No sexual intercourse before marriage"

It's important to realize that this is a conflict between two mind sets. These two mind sets are conflicting in you and pulling you in two oppsoite directions. You love her but at the same time you can't get away from the idea of making your own experiences.

So, what to do now? She obviously does not want half a partner. She wants someone ready to commit. Having you talking about your "experiments" simply hurts her. That's why she asks you to go.

What to do now?

Now, you are free, you have space, time and energy, go and experience what you said you wanted to experience.

Now, you have the space. Go and do it! I'm serious. You have the possibility now to get exactly what you wanted. So, go for it. Find the power inside yourself to go and do it.

You don't get her support? fair enough. Find your support somewhere else. If within a couple of months, it does not work for you, you'll at least know that it's not her who is stopping you.

Right now, the world is open. You have the freedom you asked for. Try honestly to go for it, otherwise all this was for nothing. Again, if she does not "sponsor" you with that, go and find the support somewhere else.

where? Go to google and search for "dating skills for guys", that's a simple place where to start.

At least try. You'll learn a lot about yourself by just trying.

Good luck and stay in touch

vitalcoach

Hi vitalcoaching.

Thanks for your kind reply.

1st things 1st , maybe it's not THAT lovely that i may have stated here. may be i've stated it badly : she doesnt say that she will wait for me , maybe she will go after her M.One too.So I risk losing her ( & she sees that too ,she said one must sometimes risk for the better ).

well , you talk much the way she talks & she insists that this is for both of us & especially me.after 25 hours of N/C I maintained , I scewed it today but it was worth it cause i found some things i didnt know. but we agreed to stop this relationship for 2 weeks from now on , & i begin thikning of myself & what i should do & see some ppl.Actually she didnt give me any other way , she said she doesnt have the confidence in me she had before & she cant undo what she has started & thought for about a year & forget this & i MUST go & see for myself.Well this way i dont have much of choice it seems.It's really hurting me ( & plus that my studies & course projects one due this monday ) plus all these years i didnt find ANYONE attractive , I mean i didnt felt in a ny thrilling sense for any other girl but actuallu i screwed by not telling her how much i love her & i care for her.so i should go over the next 2 weeks as planned.I REALLY HOPE to be able to hold the N/C.

sure... give it a try

good luck

Hi.

after 36 hours of N/C & crying half of it , yesterday night i called her & said i dont want anybody else but her.she said she cant repair the damage done to this relationship.she said she herself is in great pain & never wants to hurt me , but thinks this is good for both of us & she doesnt have anymore trust in me plus there is no future to this relationship cuz i dont want to marry & she is 22 & should start her life.i told her i love her buti cant marry her , atleast at the moment its impossible & unimaginable for me.she said even with that , i should go & see other ppl & then come back & 'MAKE A NEW RELATIONSHIP OF A DIFFERENT KIND' & 'THIS TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP IS OVER WITH US'.surely enough this is marriage

i'm totally devastated , after 4 years of having a friend like her , & when i was gradually increasing my love this happened.God! i dont know what should i do , i mean i'm falling apart, im sick , cant eat , cant stop thinking of past & future , cant stop thinking of her .i'm so helpless.plus personally i'm someone with problems in my self-confidence & she was the one that gave me self-confidence & encouragement.i cant imagine when this hell will end... i know this is off-topic ... but writtign this may be can calm me just a little ... i'm sorry.

life is the hell itself now.

I know it's tough.

Good you take some time to share in here.

The most important for you right now is to get your power and balance back. It might feel like a battle but don't let this affect the rest of your life. Keep on working, eating healthy, etc. Try to socialize, see friends. etc.

Give it some space and some time simply to get back your focus. It will give you space to move further with a fresh perspective.

At this stage though, focus on yourself and get your power back.

good luck and stay in touch

vitalcoach