yep, I don't like life

I mean each second I breathe I am surprised I am still alive has the world gone crazy or have I?!?!?!?!?!?!? well for one thing one of us has, I was doing better than ever last night I was on top of the moon livin life to the fullest and then out of bloody no-where my life erupted now I have been crying and sxreaming and lots of things....

I missed school today couldnt stand some of the jerks there!

I am depressed, angry at people, angry at myself, confused and annoyed

phht! and this is life?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?? GET REAL....i mean common I spend more time crying than I do smiling, more time sad then I do happy.

I have hurt myself before and dang it felt good I want to do it all over again, peope say it dont help yeah sure I think it is it brings the anger out within....I look to you guys as really the last "resource" before I hurt myself again....last time I looked at you guys for last "resource" not many replies and not enough help found me hurt....Life blows...well this is my poem I write as I announced maybe the "end" its called Spiders Web...

trying to live,

trying to breathe,

feel so nieve,

to Think I coul have trusted you,

to think I couldve been friends, both us two...

caught in my fury,

defending to my personal jury,

caught in your web,

trying to breathe,

feel so nieve,

to have trusted you,

to think of us two,

it wasnt at all new,

it had happened before,

you slammed the door,

you should have heard me roar!

hang me with your noose,

make sure it aint loose,

kill me like a sorry goose,

til my vains turn,

til my heart, it burns,

i know you, its all no big concern,

what matters the most, is im dead,

my red blood, it feeds the earth.

like a memorable new birth,

caught in my fury,

defending to my personal jury,

caught in your web,

trying to breathe,

feel so nieve,

to have trusted you,

to think of us two,

it wasnt at all new,

it had happened before,

you slammed the door,

you should have heard me roar!

you all saw,

my life it flashed so quick,

it all, it all makes me sick!

let my blood fill my grave,

dont let me be saved,

im a mortal sick human to you,

it all means nothing to you too!

life....is this really life...huh?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

What happened to make u so upset ?

>my mums room has two photos of my lil bro and one of my big none of me though

>My friends at school become friends, ditch me, beomce friends, ditch me and so on, to the point where I cried night in night out.

>mum and dad complaining to me all the bloody time I spend say at least an hour or two a day crying now

>I have hurt myself and when I do I want to even more,

>no one really listens to me, and when they do it ends up with someone laughing at me

>love wise, it dont go with me

>I have been called the foulest words you can think of

>all my relatives love my lil bro mitch onfortainitely not me as much

>I have been told to kill myself and people laugh at me cause I might have to go to a phychiatrist

>I hear voices and myself telling me to do things

>I have "unstable mooods" as my dad likes to put it

>I had ot wag school because of the jerks there

>I am suffering in maths, science and art getting the lowest and worst marks I have had yet

>altogether, I cry and scream and scream more than 7 hours per week, and that I am sure

>LIFE, yah sure..."life"

Hey mate its me your mate on messenger I am here also and i will always be there for you to talk to mate you know that. I have also been down the road your going and i know you feel there is no way out but there is. Trust me. Please talk to the kids help line or friends, a preist for god sake anybody just don't hurt yourself. There is a light at the end of the tunnel i swear your 14 you have the rest of your life ahead of you this will and can be worked out just stay strong and believe god will bring you through and your friends and family. Whether your parants mean to be nasty I am sure they do care but if you do not feel comfortable talking to them find somebody that you do feel comfortable but please see somebody and talk.

Talk to you in messenger ok dude.

cheers

kiwiguy ( boofhead in messenger)

and even worse I dont get much help from you guys here its all the same thing i have attempted suicide and by golly gosh would do it again if I had to

I odn't know if this helps you or not but I have been thrugh what you have before when I was in high school. I have tourettes syndrome and when I was at that age it was pretty bad. To make it worse at that point not to many people new what it was (I'm 36 now) so it was in the 80's. Not even the medical profession new much or where able to diagnose it. So all in all at that time I was a freak and found school very hard to and somewhat painfull to go through. My parents weren't helping my dad especially. I can recall one time I was at the dinner table and was having a ritual (thats what they call it when you freak out) my father got pissed and told me if I did it one more time he was going to put his fork in my chest. Well if you know even a little bit about tourettes you know someone with it can't really control it, so I did it and my dad followed through on his threat and I had a fork sticking out of my chest. My father really never seemed to get (he would chastise and make fun of me) until it I was diagnosed with tourettes. I only made it though because I would get pissed of and have to stick up for myself I did have a couple of very close friends to aid me. But with my attitude and there help made it through school. I had thoughts about ending it but I would say to myself that that would be the world and all the trash in it winning, beating me. I had to realize that I had the upper hand in my life and I was the one who could save myself.

If you have to get mad (it sounds like you are) if you have to when the pieces of crap in school give you sh*t stand up and give it back (get a bloody nose if you have to) stand up and take some responsibility for yourself and you thoughts. Talk to your parents honestly and tell them how you feel and your fears and whats going on. Get some professional help (millions of people go to shrinks, counselors and theripist and millions more need to.) It's nothing to be ashamed of, I bet half the people on this site have been to one at one point or another I have it was a great help to me when I figured out I wasn't and abomination. Laugh at yourself sometimes I laugh at myself a lot because sometimes it's just damn funny the thoughts I have and the crazy actions I do. Your young and this time in your life sometimes sucks (believe me I know) but get through school. Go get a deree and get the hell away from your home town and everything thats happened there. I suggest moving away from the town you grew up in to anybody.

Take it from someone who knows Love, you're reasons, or any reasons, are never good enough to take your own life. Talk to your parents about this, and in all honesty, you should see a doctor. There are things that can help you to feel better. Anti-depressants are just an example. Honestly though, every day of my life, I think of each time that I tried to take my life, and everyday I thank God that I wasn't successful. For every reason you want to take your life, I can offer you one why you shouldn't. This world that we live in comes with no guarentees and is often a cruel and unforgiving place, but it's our own faults. If you want it changed, don't set at home thinking of ways to kill yourself, get up and do something about it. Few people will every change this world, but all of together can make a difference...

Jesus i guess your giving us a good show of your mood swings, look i respect what your saying, and sure as hell i react the same way as you do, people try to give you advice, and half the time it does seem the same, you get the ones who are all ''why why'' and others who think they have all the answers, and do you know why its the same, its the same because this is as much knowledge as people could give, its likely some come on here and give you the same knowledge they were given and actually achieved from it, maybe even paraphrased from someone else because they thought it was worth while, and the only reason it isnt to you is because you have lost the meaning of words and life and only realise your alive when you feel pain.

well listen up, people on here have got the time of day for you, i added you to msn but im assuming by now its unlikely that you will actually add me on because of what ive put but lets face it, the only way we can live and get on with the world is not having to expect others to live it for us, go out and by your parents a frickin frame and make the hint at what it is that is annoying you, dont let them allow you to feel the way you do, maybe they would understand why you scream and cry if only they understand that you feel isolated alonbe and penalised by the favoring of your brother, as for education, thats something that we all have troubles with so if you need help with that i am sure i can give you some input there, but dont allow any trivial assets to demotivate you just because they build up. look over what it is that makes you feel negative and build on it, but dont knock others down for trying to help you when you werent impressed by the fact that your friends had turned their backs.

im sorry that i am abrupt in this but i feel that it had to be said, i dont have all the answers, infact its likely you have them, if your not accepting these or appreicating them you must have something bigger and better in mind that you are unwilling to admit.

well im going to go now because i believe i have said far too much, so you can take up the offer of msn and the help or realise its you who pushes others away.

higher your expectations from your family and get what you want or at least tell how you feel, and lower your expectations from here, we say it how it is, we arent a god!!

kel

No offence, but your simple sadness is something I can envy. Oh, cry cry, your family pays more attention to your lil bro. The real problem is that you have a mental illness. You are not bypolar, and I don't think it is depression(because of the voices thing), maybe it is skitzafrenia. sorry bout the spelling. i am currently not thinking. go to a hospital. suicide may be worth it, maybe you are right, but it will really hurt those around you. You love your family. I can tell. If you didn't, then you wouldn't care that they pay more attention to your bros... Do you really want to make your family that sad? There may be no afterlife kid! And there is probably no second chance. But in the end, it is your choice. Nothing I will say can change the fact that it is your choice in the end. Choose wisely, my friend, and be true to your heart. If suicide is your choice, there is nothing anybody can do to change that.

Goodbye,

Hannah

with all do respect I am not getting anything you guys are saying!!! what are you weird people on about anyway!!! gosh LISTEN alright!!! guitar*girl, neva_black_n_white, how dare you!!! and no I wouldnt add such a mean person like yourself to msn messenger!!! If I did die I would be taking you guys with me guitar* girl and neva_black_n_white!!! Dont you understand me I am young and annoyed and what you guys have said isnt worth me nor my time so just get away!!!

one last thing, I dont think Ia m the one with skitzofreenic. You have offended me in more ways then one! if you dont have something nice to say then dont say at all....its really what I needed

okay, ya, all i want to say is, hang out with different people, quit worrien about ur younger brother (i have one too and he seems to get more attention and love too) and those voices, dont listen to them, its as easy as that! lol, ive had the same problems u have had and i have thought about sucide, but imagine wat it would do to ur family... and the ppl who love you, and it would have a great impact on ur little brothers life too, beilieve it or not, he llooks up to u...he does

sorry sorry sorry! alright I am just too annoyed to be happy at the moment and am sorry if I hurt you, in which I probably did but I did NOT mean to, I am not in the mood to be happy and I tend to take it out on people sometimes....sorry for anything that I have done to you and I cant blame you for shouting at me back...good on you

take care and am terribly sorry,

Sam xxx

i obviously wasnt expecting an apology but its nice to see that you hit a nerve with me and reacted differently, i appreicate the way you responded and can see that past posts were obviously written with the state of mind and mood relevant to you, and because of that can see where you are coming from. im sorry if what i said before was very much abrupt but i felt you should see how i felt and saw your responces and this was an example and straight opinion.

it seems difficult to understand that you did not mean to say what you did, due to you putting that if you were to die you would take me with you, but if you say so then its understandable.

you talk about it being hard to be happy becuase your so annoyed, but what are you so annoyed about? if thats not too personal a question. it just seems like your very much like me, aboiding the truth or not wanting to say it and instead replacing it with an emotion and exoecting others to respond.

still i dont feel as if i have much to say but thanks.

kel

the things that get me angry are all of my friends all of my relatives, all of the people around me and alot of it is myself, I just guess I wasnt expecting a reply like that and when it happened I immediately thought that you thought I was a strange person so I decided to retaliate, sorry. and the fact that I get in sooooo many fights at school I dont always be as nice to peopel as I would like to.

And when I wrote the thingy "what are you guys on about, I dont get you!" well I didnt get your first paragraph but when you mentioned that you added me to msn and that I probably wouldnt like it because of what you had said I initially thought you had said something horrible aobut me. Also Guitar* Girls simple "waa waa waa" I didnt get either and alot of things but am so sorry for any misconveniance

Sam xxx

heya sam, i dont mind about the whole misundersatanding and the msn and everything, because i think we all know that no one is perfect, i accept the whole dilemma of you not bieng in too positive a mood, but i learnt when i poke to you that you were a pretty great person.

i dont think i ever wanted you to feel like i was intimidating you, it was like yours a reaction from a reaction, so i think were doing pretty even on this one. and also, hows it going with the promise to keep a smile on your face?

when you say that your parents, family, friends are the cause, why are they? what is it that they do that annoys you so much to make you feel the way you do? have you ever thought about seriously bringing it up with them, acting mature and not confronting but having a conversation? that could help you out?

and what is it that lets you down within yourself? since you mentioned that?

hope your ok, kel x

Hi...

I have been trying to keep my smile up for you but that will probably come later on. I have never been as close as I wanted to to my parents and mum and me would normally end up insulting each other. at a young age dad hit me and my brother real hard with a 2 by 4 piece of wood. We were always getting in fights and then one day I couldnt handle them anymore and then my friends started ditching me for my enemy all 4 of them. I was puicked on for being a "loner" and with no one around that cared for me I simply found it too hard to cope. I strted hurting myself screaming and crying.

I was always a straight-up christian and loved god but I found he did nothing to me I prayed and prayed and prayed every night and cried almost every night so I gave up in god to.

Now all my friends are on the otherside of the world sitting behind computers. Wll not all of them are friends one of them wants me to die he goes "just go no one wants you on this planet anyway!!!" now I look to enotalone to help me out. I dont want to tell my parents when they found out that I was depressed they didnt know I was suicidal but depressed mum says "alright get in your room and youre not coming down!" I am now getting tired of this and I have even had a couple of dreams of me dying..I tell myself to hurt myself and I want to live in peace and quiet

Thanks for everything Sam xxx

dude listen, im new to the forums here but what you just posted made me realise that my life isnt that bad, I feal so sorry that your dad used to hit you, and u think your parents dont love you,

its the same for me, exept its a little worse, i think

leme tell you a story

one winter night ( btw this is a true story ) one winter night i was playing basketball with my cusin, Peter and my mom was at home in her bed causee she had an operation on her feet, ( something screwd up with the bone or something ) anyway, it started to snow, and when i say snow i mean SNOW BAD. I decided to head on home, when I reached the door to my apartment i heard yelling and screaming, I walked in saw my mom on the floor by the tv, she was unconcius , i saw my dad just sitting there , on the couch, pretending n0t to care, i started to yell WHAT THE @$! DID U DO, IM CALLING THE COPS , U @!$(@! BASTARD ...

he said WHERE WERE YOU, i said I WAS PLAYINBG BASKETBALL WITH PETER LIKE I SAID

and he just threw me in my room,

I jumped in my bed and started to cry, i cried for 6 hours ( it was like 10 Pm when i saw my mom on the floor i didnt know if she was dead, or alive or what ) at 6 am i went back to the living room and i saw a gun on the floor, and alot of blood, I had no ideas whos blood it was but my dad was sleaping in his little king size bed in the next room, my mom was on the couch, nose broken, black and swolen eye, crying and talking to her friend on her cell,

I sat next to her and asked what happaned , all of a sudden i started to cry , she said dont worry about it he went crazy again, we have to get out of here

i asked her if she was okay and everything she said not to worry. I just sat by here all night and cried. you should have seen her, her eye , her nose omg it was so scary. anywqay i asked what happaned right? she said he threw her out off her bed ( o yea she couldnt walk ) and started to punch her with his metal gun ( or w/e it was it was a pistol i didnt even know he had 1) any hje threw her out of teh bed, onto the floor and told her to go outside IN THE SNOW and look for me, she said she couldnt walk , he just kept on punching and kicking her.

I figured out that she got shot, in the thigh, she never told me , she didnt want me to worry, the wound got infected, and

2 days later my mom was dead. in the hospital.

the Police came and took my dad away , now i live with my uncle and his wife, its not a perfect life but its bettter what i had with the psycho as my dad

dude i cried and cried. i had no friends, the only person i told THIS story to was my ""Online GF"" which i knew for like2 years. anyway

now the whole worlld can know

dude , i feal so bad for you, please dont kill your self,

Look what iv gone through, iv thought of geting a gun and shooting my self right infront of all my friends, now i spend my time on the PC or playing basketball.

listen man i know life can look bad , but have u thought of this..

theres that 1 person there somewhere, who is your soul mate, the one person your ment to be with, forever, to love .

Here . i might as well tell you what happaned with my online gf too..

we were talking and talking one day right? and my so called "friend" told me to pretend i fell out of a window and was in the hospital dead, he was gona be the nurse,, so i did i was just messing around and stuff. then he said i came back,, so i talked with her and she was crying and everything

i just kept on lieing, thiinking it would make her more atracted to me.

one day i told her,, I begged for her to forgive me She said she will. she said it snowballed.

2 weeks later she said she had a bf. i fell appart. i jumped on the floor and started to cry . she blocke me.

we used to talkj about EVERYTHING , sex school , how we would meet someday , and she would come in her hummer... heh she lives in oregon close to portland. anyway when she said she had a BF i was like. WHY WHY DIDNT U TELL ME U SAID U LOVED ME and i thought she did.. because i do. and she was like now you know what being lied to means.

she was right

it was all my fault ....

Till this day, eveytime i swhich my PC of and jump onto my bed

swhich of the lights, i think of her , heh we used to be Cat and Dog she as the cat i was a Dog we used to say I LOVE U for 20 mins straight, and we used to JINX eachother and we owed eachother kisses n stuff...

dude, I DID try to kill my self and trust me i didnt hav ethe nuts to do it.

I AM STILL DEPRESSED ABOUT HER BLOCKING ME

well im geting way out of here.. its 4.30 am and my uncle is gona be waking up soon so im gona finsh this post of.

dont kill your self

live your life be happy be sad

just know that , one day

you'll meet the girl. and youll thank me

and all the other people who changed ur mind

about life

Your friend ,

life

heya, thanks for trying to keep that smile up, and sorry for not responding soon i reckon my computer has got a grudge against this site, if you know what i mean?

do you know with the whole not being close and then insulting each other that may be the best place to start and maybe work from, if you show a maturer outlook and overcome the anger you have between each other then maybe conversations would flow a little more instead of waiting for one another tp burst you know?

i mean i used to react initially the same way as you, i seemed to take alot out of others and if a simple answer was given to me i wanted to know what lead to that answer and thereforeeee reacted with greater force. so i believe if you can react a little differently, maybe like ive learnt to, then you will be a more positive outlook. what do you reckon?

i can see your reaction, and understand that, kids words are always the ones that hurt the most, do you still get treat that way? or would you say you have at least a few secure friendships or something that binds you positively? what is yoiur relationship with your dad now then? if not physically you must be mentally scarred and reluctant to form a great relationship, or are things different?

as for god and you giving up, i myself have never been one to believe since i always had a question that couldnt be answered, something that caused a fault, but within any bad moment ironically i turned to him and questioned him as if something deep down kept a tie onto him, for every negative thing we dislike or disbelieve we never praise the positive. i have trouble seeing the positive in things and often get worked up i guess over only being able to see these negatives, but once i sit down and kind of recognise whats just happened im pretty sure i could have writeen an essay on the positives.

even though you did cry every night and you did pray and you wanted it so bad and it wasnt given to you, i wouldnt give up hope, if not god then just something you hold close to you.

i think a line that i once liked was

''so when did you find out that you were god?''

''i found out when i was the only one praying yet i could hear it''

and i guess that shows that you in some way have to provide your own support, after me laughing at that since it was phrased better i thought it meant something, so i guess i hope you gain something also.

how canyou call that person a friend if he wishes for you to die? its just a person of very little words with the fewest of morals, people do want you on this earth, i realised that we walk past so many people in our lives that we never have the chance to meet, but do we? yes we do we just dont take that chance, so i can assure you, people you walk past, if given the chance, want you on this earth not just people sat aside there computers for an hour or so

to live in peace and quiet you dont have to be dead, you just have to over come what it is that makes you have negative emotions or deep emotions, to over come what you dislike and if it means screaming it out then do so, but even though its a contradiction, often the best peace and quite is where your comfortable and having the craziest moment of your life, so dony waste it. well i know i wouldnt.

hope this kind of makes sense.

and thanks, you really do enlighten things for me.

kel

x

Hey guys,

Sorry I havent posted lately lol forgot about the thread...

Hey look Im feeling a tad better now which is great I guess! I have a very supportive online friend (thoe only REAL friend) I know of. She helped me alot. her names alex or in other words my sis... I love her to pieces! and am soo happy I have met her...

I just wanted to add, and this is an issuethat disturbs me much... but my dad seems to be how would you say ignoring me er well not ignoring but lately I havent been up and about and dads been hating that... he thinks im "differant" from other kids. I find that hard to cope I mean hes my own dad and yet he acts so much differant... its not a big issue not to worry lol...

I am feeling a little better since my last post and thats all that matters... my skys are blue for now so I'll take that chance and enjoy thank you alot neva_black_n_white for helping me with that... it made me reliase people do care and thank god for that LOL

until next time thanks

aw wow this is cool, your happy, well atleast a tad more as you put it, thats great, and dont worry, any time im glad youve seen a little more of the light.

anyway sorry for not responding, ive been in greece, and might i add i had a mighty good time. still. its cool that your doing better and your on line friend seems really great...as for forgetting the thread, i guess thats a good thing.

see you around.

kel x