FIANCE'S EX-WIFE AND FRIENDS

I think I'm overreacting but its really bothering me. My fiancé is divorced and has a child with his ex-wife. The ex-wife is crazy...she really is you can't even talk to her without her blowing up at you. All of my fiancé's friends and family dislike her, but they still talk to her. It drives me nuts. The ex-wife emails them and they reply back, the ex gets info about me and my fiancé and I really don't like it. I'm starting to dislike all his friends...because they all seem two faced. I feel like if I bring this subject up to my fiancé he will get upset and feel like I'm controlling him. His ex-wife really controlled him and wouldn't allow him to do anything without her. I just feel that if I bring this up to him then he might feel as if I am acting like her. I don't know what do. But its making me sick...I don't want him to hang out with his friends anymore, one of them even told me he thinks my fiancé will get back together with his ex-wife. If I was in high school and he was just my boyfriend I could expect this kind of behavior out of his friends, but we're not. Should I talk him? Should I say something to his friends and family? I don't want to seem out of line...but I am going to married to this guy and I want all the problems resolved now then later.

Well he can't never speak to his ex wife again. They have a child together & it would be wrong of you to ask him to never speak to her again because that would take him away from his child. Just because his friend said that doesn't mean your fiance feels at all the same. I think you should talk to him about his friends behavior. Tell him what his friend told you & how it hurt you & maybe tell his friend that what he said hurt you as well. You can't expect him to stop hanging out with his friends, asking him to do so would be trying to control him & no one wants that. It seems as if your fiances family & friends don't like his ex wife because she was too controlling, you don't want them to not like you for the same reason. Even if his friends seem to be not "real", he needs to figure that out on his own & if they really are like that, then he will need your support more than ever. Right now I don't think it would help to tell him that you don't like his friends because that would just make him feel like he needs to choose between you or his friends.

When you get involved with a guy who has an ex-wife and kid(s), it's a package deal. The ex is going to be part of your life ( I know because I AM an ex-wife and my fiance has an ex-wife). The best thing you can do for your relationship is to try to understand her and even befriend her. Chances are you have a lot more in common than you think you do, otherwise he wouldn't have been attracted to both of you in the first place. Her "crazyness" is probably just really fear. Depending on how long they have been legally divorced, she may not be emotionally divorced from him yet. She's going through the "I don't want you, but you can't have a life without me either" stage. Even if she's the one who left, it's really hard to see your ex moving on and being happy without you. The bottom line is that if you truly trust in your relationship with your fiance, then YOU have to be the mature one ( remember you agreed to take on a package deal, right?) Let the ex-wife grieve for the end of this relationship. Let her be "crazy" for a while. Show your grace, maturity and flexibility. Know your boundries when it comes to the child. Don't step on her maternal toes. Most of all, don't flaunt your relationship in her face. Stay in the background for a while. Let him have time alone with his child without you there. Don't go with him to pick up the child for visitation. Eventually she will come around once she doesn't see you as a threat to the well-being of her child. As long as there is a child involved, they will be co-parents. The child needs both parents to be friendly or at least civil to each other. As far as family goes, you can't ask them to stop talking to her. He's the mother of their grandchild. Even if they truly don't like her, if they alienate her, they may lose contact with the child. If you are truly secure with this man then it shouldn't be a problem. If you can't do this, then you should get out of this relationship and find a man with no kids. Stepfamily siturations are VERY complex and VERY difficult. They aren't for the faint of heart. Over 60% of second marriages end in divorce within the first 3 years and the primary issue is the children and the ex. Get yourself some good books on stepfamily relationships and divorce and start reading. Or better yet, go to family counseling BEFORE you get married. Good luck